All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-in.with.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S33E11.Piranha.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

-You know,
I take this job very seriously.

And...

Are you snickering?
-Me?

-I detected a snicker
over there.

-There's zero snickering
over here.

-I take this job
very seriously.

And when we were
putting together this program

of "Jaws" rip-off movie--
Alright, excuse me.

We're not supposed
to call it "Jaws" rip-off night.

When we were putting together
this program

of ecological horror,
we had a lot to choose from.

I mean, we already showed
"Grizzly," which was

an almost scene-by-scene
reproduction of "Jaws"

with a killer bear
in a national forest.

But we wanted to follow that
up with one of the classics,

you know, like "Orca:
The Killer Whale!"

with Bo Derek and Richard Harris

and Keenan Wynn, who was
actually in tonight's movie.

He was a "Jaws"
rip-off specialist.

Or "Bermuda:
Cave of the Sharks,"

the great Spanish, Italian,
Mexican adventure mystery,

amnesiac film,

or "Tentacles" --
John Huston, Shelley Winters,

Bo Hopkins and a mutated
giant octopus,

or "Tintorera: Killer Shark,"
starring Susan George

and directed by the great
René Cardona Jr.,

or "Barracuda," the one where
hypoglycemia research turns ugly

or "Evil in the Deep,"

better known as "The Treasure
of Jamaica Reef,"

starring game-show host
Chuck Woolery,

Pro Bowl defensive tackle
Roosevelt Grier

and Alan Ladd's son.

Or -- I wish -- "Mako: The Jaws
of Death" with Richard Jaeckel

as the deranged Vietnam vet

who communicates
telepathically with the sharks

and fights a morbidly obese
strip-club owner

who wants to use sharks
in the dancers' acts.

-Which would be amazing.

-Yeah, but when you talk
serious eco horror,

you want to go with top-tier
animal-kingdom mutation.

And that means one movie
and one movie only.

And that movie is...

-"Piranha."
-..."Piranha"!

Or if you want to be snooty,
"Piran-ya," but hell yes.

And Darcy, the Mail Girl,
ladies and gentlemen,

here for
your communications pleasure.

Message her,
DM her, e-mail her, tweet her.

Let her know the stories

you'd be too embarrassed
to tell anybody else.

She is the official

"Last Drive-In"
tastemaker and influencer.

She not only knows the piranhas,
she knows her piranha...

You've done "Piranha" cosplay,
right?

She does "Piranha" cosplay.

-You know,
speaking of cosplay,

why are you wearing
a pith helmet?

-Well, thank you for asking
that, Darcy.

-My pleasure.

-Since we're going with
flesh-devouring mutant creatures

tonight, I thought
I would apply some pith.

Like we're journeying
into the jungle, you know?

Um, didn't you say we should do
a Steve Irwin tribute

on a night like this?

-I did, because
the second movie is "Crocodile,"

and he was the Crocodile Hunter.
Get it?

I don't think he wore
a pith helmet, though.

-Well, I'm not
that satisfied with this helmet.

I don't think it has
any actual pith in it.

I ordered it online.

-Pith is a -- is a thing?
-Yeah.

It's supposed
to be made of pith.

That soft wood
from the rice paddies,

the sola plant,
but this is something else.

And can you see this?

But that's not what pisses me
off, really.

-You're "pithed" off, are you?

-Very funny.
-Thank you.

-I ordered this from a place
in Thailand

where they should know
what they're doing

when it comes to pith.

And right away I get
this e-mail and this text back

saying thank you
for your order, blah blah blah.

We have additional products,
blah blah blah.

You get these e-mails
and these texts

that were not pithy, by the way.

And then a few minutes later,
I get an e-mail

and a text from my bank saying,
"Yeah,

we charged your pith helmet
to your account."

And then the next day I get
an e-mail and a text saying,

"Hey, we're shipping
your pith helmet."

So apparently it's a big deal
when you order a pith helmet

because, um, you know,
in less than 24 hours,

I already have six messages
from these pith people.

So I'm thinking, "Okay,

pith people are super anal
and paranoid

because they're sending
me all this stuff."

-Why paranoid?

-Well,
they want to reassure me

that they're really putting
my hat in a box

and really taking it
to the post office

and really sending it to me.

And I don't really need
that assurance,

but I guess they do, so...

-And that "pithed" you off?
-No, it was -- No.

It was the next part
that "pithed' me off.

"Pithed" me off.
-Ah, yes. Got it.

-Two days later I get
this e-mail

and this text saying your
package is inbound into customs.

-And that was irritating?

-Well, I don't --
I don't need to know that.

I don't -- I don't need to know
any of this.

Just tell me
when you think it'll be here

and I'll take it from there.

But, you know,
too much information, so...

-I think they do that

so you don't have to bombard
them with questions about

when your package is
gonna get there,

because you know
they're getting that from you.

-I'm not tracking
my pith helmet on GPS.

You know?

-They want you to know

that they are doing
the tracking for you.

-Okay. Alright.
-They're looking out for you.

-Okay. But listen to this.
Listen to this.

"Accepted at International
Mail Facility, Doral, Florida,

March 14th, 5:58 a.m."

Why are they telling me this?!

-Oh, you want a real answer?
I don't know.

-Yes.
Why are they telling me this?

So I'll know that people
start work early

at the international mail
facility

in Doral, Florida,
because it's 5:58 a.m.

But there's more here.

"Cleared U.S. Customs and Border
Protection Doral, Florida,

March 14th, 6:47 p.m."

Alright.
Is this so that I'll know

that people are messing
with my hat in Doral, Florida?

Did they -- Did they search
the hat for drugs?

I'm gonna assume U.S. Customs
and Border Protection

in the Miami area
is very drug aware.

Right? And it's from Thailand.
And they've seen "Scarface."

So is this so I'll think, "Wow.

13 hours to check the hat
for opium and heroin."

Is that why this is on here?

-I guess they check
everything.

-But do I need to know
that they checked it for that?

-Apparently not.

-Okay. Exactly.
Are they making a paper trail?

Are they telling me this so
that if the hat gets crumpled,

they can say,
"Hey, it wasn't us!

It was those Customs
and Border Protection people.

They mangled that hat."

Okay. But listen up.
Listen to this.

"Accepted at Fulfillment Center,
Miami, Florida,

March 15th, 3:06 a.m."

So it's already been
to three places in the U.S.,

and all of these are in Florida.

I mean, fulfillment.
That's a good word, right?

That indicates maybe they're
fulfilling an expectation,

maybe my expectation
to get my hat, you know.

But they're still basically
telling me,

"We're screwing around
with your hat in Florida."

But now listen to this.

"Picked up Miami, Florida,
March 15th, 6:17 a.m."

No idea what that means.

They picked it up?
Somebody picked it up.

-They picked up your package.
-But then the next one --

"Arrived, Memphis, Tennessee,
March 16th, 4:06 a.m."

They sent my hat to Memphis!

-That's where FedEx is.
-FedEx is everywhere.

But they flew my hat 1,000
miles to a random airport

in Tennessee from Doral,
Florida, or Miami, Florida.

-That's where they sort
all the FedEx's.

-Memphis is not
in the direction of me,

so they're just -- they're
just messing with me now.

They're saying, "By the way,

your hat is now farther away
from you

than it was before, so ha ha
ha!" You know?

-They're just showing you
the progress of your package.

-They're showing me
the regress of my package.

They're running away
with my hat,

and they want me to know that.

For some reason, they want
me to know that it's in Memphis.

- I don't know.
- Alright. Alright.

Continuing.
-Okay.

-"Leaves Memphis."
-Oh, my God. Continuing.

"March 16th, 8:17 a.m." Okay.

Please go in the right
direction. Alright?

They just say they're
leaving Memphis.

They don't say they're
going in the right direction.

Okay. Then the next one --

"Arrive destination sort
facility.

Arrive destination sort
facility.

March 16th, 12:02 p.m."

Alright.
That doesn't sound good.

That's more people
handling my hat.

-The word "destination"
sounds good. Yeah?

-Okay. And they're back --
And I --

Alright, I have to say, they're
back to e-mails and texts now.

They're sending me
all these e-mails and texts

saying, "Get ready.

Your order is almost here."

Which is like,

I don't really need to get ready
to get a package in the mail.

But anyway,

and then the next day,
it says "Out for delivery."

What does that mean?

-It means that they --
-Out for delivery.

-They put it on a truck
to be delivered to you.

-Alright.

But they don't tell me
where that truck is.

Shouldn't they -- I mean,
they're getting specific here.

Shouldn't they tell me
where the truck is?

I mean, up to now,

they've been
pretty damn specific about

where my hat is going.

And then they couldn't shut up
about it.

And even after I got the hat,
I'm still getting e-mails.

I'm getting texts
from the seller,

from the shipper.

"Are you happy
with your purchase?"

You know, you know
how many messages I need

when I order something online?
-How many?

-One! One message!

"We're sending it.

We got your money.
We're sending it."

I don't really need to go on
a transoceanic,

transcontinental journey
with my package.

-Okay.
-And then it gets here.

It's a pith helmet.
There's no pith!

Look at this. Look at this.
Does that look like pith to you?

-That is the most authentic
pith helmet I have ever seen.

-Oh! Come on.
-That's real pith, baby.

-It's not pith.
-It's pith.

-I'm sending it back.
I'm sending it back.

And you know what I'm
gonna do when I send it back?

-What?
Demand your money back?

-Well, besides that,

I'm gonna call up their
customer service department

twice a day and say,
"By the way,

I sent your fake pith helmet
back to you.

It's probably going to Portland,
Oregon first

before it turns
around and heads back to you.

I'm gonna estimate
that at 3:57 p.m.,

it will probably be loaded
onto a sortation center

in Lawrence, Kansas."

And by the way,

that is a word they use --
a sortation center.

Shouldn't it just be
sorting room?! Sorting.

They're sorting.
They're not doing sortation.

See, this is
why the world is going insane.

This is why we're going crazy.

We know too much
about our packages

and not enough about
our prescription medications,

to give one example.

-Oh, good lord.
Is that your final conclusion?

-That's my final conclusion

from this whole pith
helmet ordeal.

-I feel
like we've all learned a lot

about your package
tonight, Joe Bob.

-Well, thank you.

-I don't know if that was
a compliment, but okay.

-Fortunately,
we do have a movie.

-Whoo!
-"Piranha."

Or as some of the characters
say in it, "Piran-ya."

-Because they're fancy.

-The sensitive story
of an Army research project

gone awry that causes
a doofus private eye

and her drunkard helper
to release thousands of mutant,

flesh-eating creatures
into the Texas river system,

threatening
both a middle school summer camp

and a luxury resort
with gory carnage

in what might be called

"Huckleberry Finn
goes to Crystal Lake"

because in this case, the raft
gets chewed into splinters

by schools of voracious tiddlers

that turn the water
into red goop.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it
with Keenan Wynn getting

his feet chewed off?
I think not.

Let's take a look at those
drive-in totals and get started.

We have...

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for Kevin McCarthy

as the scientist
who bioengineers the fish

for saying, "Razorteeth.

You don't know
what you've done."

Barbara Steele
as the military expert

who sneers, "I'm not afraid.
I'm a scientist."

Heather Menzies as
the most aggressive skiptracer

ever for releasing
thousands of mutant species

into the river system.

Bradford Dillman
as the reclusive drunk

turned hero for
being able to hold his breath

underwater longer
than the current record holder

in the world,

and for saying "We'll
pollute the bastards to death."

To the always excellent
Dick Miller as Buck Gardner

for providing the worst time
ever to open a water resort,

and for declaring Ralph
the swimming swine

as practically a national
monument.

And of course, to Joe Dante,
the director,

for doing things
the drive-in way.

Four stars.
Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

Mm.

You know, they changed the name
of Ralph in the movie.

Ralph the Diving Pig
plays Ralph the Swimming Swine.

Ralph was famous
in Texas, Aquarena Springs.

That was the amusement park
where they filmed this movie.

San Marcos, Texas.

And Ralph would dive into
the water several times a day,

swim for a while.

To me, Ralph the Diving Pig is
a much better name

than Ralph the Swimming Swine.

Legal reasons? I don't know.

Besides, why not make
Ralph the Diving Pig more famous

by using his real name?

They also had the dancing
chicken at that amusement park.

They had
the baseball-playing rabbit

and had the Tic-Tac-Toe
chicken.

Chicken could win
at Tic-Tac-Toe.

Um, but Ralph was the star.

I mean, because
most pigs don't want to dive.

Most pigs don't want to swim,
so...

-Did you know

that that's actually
a real thing in the Bahamas?

-What is?
-Swimming with pigs.

They literally have resorts
where you can do that.

My mom went
and did it last year.

-Those can't possibly be
pigs as talented as Ralph

because Ralph
the Diving Pig was special.

He was an institution.

-Did you go to this place
often?

-I wish. No, I lived
far away from San Marcos.

But Ralph, he was more famous
than the Aqua Maidens

that performed
at Aquarena Springs.

The Aqua Maidens were these
girls that danced underwater.

And you watched them
through a glass wall.

They were cute,
but Ralph was cuter.

-Got to lead somewhere.

-Well, let's stop
and make camp pretty soon.

Got your breath?

Yeah. Let's go.

What is this?

-Doesn't look like anyone's
been around here for a while.

Let's go inside
and check it out.

-You think we should?

-Barbara,
who's gonna know the difference?

-Okay.

-Besides, the law-breaking
will do you good.

-I wonder why
this place wasn't on your map.

-Maybe it's supposed
to be a secret.

-Maybe.

Hey.

Far out!

Feels great.

Come on, let's wash off

so it won't be so funky
in that sleeping bag.

-What if somebody catches us?

-Who's gonna catch us?

There's nobody here.

Let's get wet!

Last one in...is a rotten egg.

-Oh, that's really original.

-Whoo!

-Wait a minute.

-What?

-What if this is some kind of
a sewage-treatment plant

or something?

-Idiot.

-Oh, now you're gonna get it!

-Oh.

How is it?

Here I come.

-Hey, that's not funny.

-What?
-You bit me.

I can't believe you
actually bit me.

-What do I look like?

A creature from
the black lagoon?

You are paranoid, kid.

Listen, I'll race
you to the deep end.

-Something bit me!

Barbara!

There's something in here!

-David!

-Goddamn!

-David!

David?

David!

David! David!

Paging Mr. Patrick Hobby.

Mr. Patrick Hobby to the white
courtesy telephone, please.

-Rent a Jeep?

-She'll be traveling on unpaved
mountain roads and unless --

-Alright, alright, alright.
Where do I sign?

The white zone is
for immediate loading --

-Okay. We're all set.

When you get to Indian
Springs, you'll get a Jeep.

The roads are very rough there.

-No sweat.

Hey, look, I can handle it.

-I know you can. I wouldn't send
you if I didn't think you could.

Come on, come on.

-Wait, wait, wait.

Got ya.

I found the bigamist, didn't I?

-Right.

-And the bag check
lady, Mrs. Pilgrim.

-Right.
-And I found Mo Schneider.

-Three times, but
those were all in town.

You're strictly a city kid

and these kids are way
out in the boonies.

-I can find anything, Earl.

I'm two-thirds bloodhound.

I told you that
when you hired me.

Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh. My ticket.

I could have sworn I
put it in my pocket.

Where's my ticket?

I can manage it.
-Of course you can.

-It's money in the bank.
-My money.

Hey, Brandy.

How are you, huh?

Big old man lagging behind.
Huh?

-I'm telling you,
this hike from town

is getting longer every week.

-You oughta get a car, Jack.

-I got a car.

It's up on blocks.
That's where it belongs.

Scotch.

Gin.

Bourbon.

Tequila!

-You're the Seventh
Cavalry, Jack.

You know, I just ran dry today.

-Your corn meal is down there,

but I ain't gonna
walk down there and get it.

-Man cannot live
by booze alone.

In lieu of rent.
-Okay.

-So what's up in town?

-Same as usual.

-I bet you miss it, Jack, huh?

I bet you miss sellin'
whatever it was --

that, uh, that plastic fruit.

-No.

Got the river.

It wakes me up in the morning.

Gives me a bath.

Does the laundry.

Gives me my dinner.

Puts me to sleep real gentle.

I got my river.
I got Brandy.

Paul...

...what have you got up here?

-I got scotch, gin,
bourbon, and tequila.

What's it to you, anyhow?

-Okay.

Okay, buddy.
I'll see you.

Okay. Come on.
Come on. Come on.

-Take it easy, Brandy.

-Ah.

Ow!

Ah!

Hmm.

It's open.

-Paul Grogan?

Hi. I'm Maggie McKeown.

I work for
a skip-tracing company.

-What's that?

-We find missing people.

-Did my ex-wife send you?

-No.

Um...

I'm looking for a
pair of teenage kids.

Some friends of theirs

said they might have gone
backpacking up here.

-Well, I haven't seen 'em.

Did you talk to the
sheriff's people?

-They said it was
a big mountain.

-They're right, it is.

-Well, I figured they may have
followed along the river.

Are there any places
to swim near here?

-Well, if they'd drowned,

they'd be swept down
to the dam, you see?

So you're startin'
at the wrong end.

Boy, you're the wrong end,
alright.

Look, am I
interrupting something?

I mean, this is kind of
important.

-Hey...

you cool your jets, lady.

I didn't ax-murder
your young couple.

I can't help you,
I haven't seen 'em.

-Are there any other shacks
up here?

-Cabins.
This is a cabin.

-Well, are there any more
of them?

Any places where they
might be holed up?

-Well, there's an
old fella named Jack,

has a place down
the river a bit,

but he's not with them.

And there was some
kind of Army test site

way up the mountain.

But that closed down
five or six years ago.

-Come on, let's go.
-Go where?

-You're taking me up there.

-Oh, no, I'm not.

-You think I'm wasting
my time here, don't you?

-No.

I think you're wasting mytime.

You find anything yet?

-Not yet, but it's
still early in the day.

David!

Barbara!

What were they testing here?

-Who knows?

I hiked up here once
with my ex-wife.

They had guard dogs out.
The fence was electrified.

The works.

-B.R.

Barbara Randolph.

-Hmm.

Man, that is cold.

-Their parents said they
were both excellent swimmers.

-Well, wouldn't they be
floatin' up on top by now?

-It takes a while for the
body to bloat with gas.

-Nice business you're in.

-You think there's a way
to pull the plug on this thing?

-Tropical fish?

-Looks Like it's
for laboratory rats.

You know, where they
had to make it through

an obstacle course
to get a reward.

-Hmm.

-It's still warm.

-Come here.

Take a look at this.

-Yecch.

-Let's get outta here.

This place gives me the creeps.

Hey!
What are you...

-Well, they've
been here, alright.

And they never left.

I say we drain the pond.

-Well, now...
Now, wait a minute.

You can't do that

without gettin' somebody's
permission, you know.

-Well, if it still works,

it's the quickest way to
know if they're down there.

-What are you doing?!

You!

-Hey!

Are you alright?

-He's breathing.
-No thanks to you.

-Well, what was I
supposed to do?

He had you by the throat!

-I would have gotten
loose in a second.

Look at this.

You put a dent in it.

-Could I have
a sip of that, please?

-It's not water.

Ugh!

-What is it?

-The water's salty.

-Where does this drain to?

-It was a fish hatchery
before the Army took it over.

It probably drains
underground into the river.

-Uh-oh.

-I think it's a dog.

I don't suppose they would
have fit through here.

-Not in one piece.

You think he's alright
up there?

-Oh, shit.

-Oh, my God.

-I guess I must have
left the keys in it, huh?

-Ohh!

-He's alive.

-He's indestructible.

-Ohh!

-Easy.

Easy, now.
Easy, easy.

-Razorteeth.

-What's Razorteeth?

-You drained the pond?
-Yes, we --

-You let them out?!
-Let who out?

-You okay? What's he doin'?

-You -- You don't know
what you've done.

Untie me. Untie me.

-The question is, what
you've done, mister.

-You don't know.

They breed like flies.

There'll be no way to stop them.

-Would you talk sense, damn it?
Now, what about those kids?

-I can't tell you,
I can't tell you.

Mother of God, they'll kill us.
They'll kill all of us.

-Okay, mister, listen.

They're gonna sweat it out
of you in town.

-They'll kill us.

What have we done?

-Wow,
that's a lot of star power

for a super-low-budget "Jaws"
rip-off movie, right?

Keenan Wynn wanders in
as a vagabond with a dog.

Richard Deacon is
the private eye

who sees Maggie off on the plane

trying to find
the missing teens.

And look who they just tied up.

The silver-haired star

of "Invasion of the Body
Snatchers,"

Kevin McCarthy --
the guy at the end --

You know, at the end

of "Invasion of the Body
Snatchers,"

the guy standing
in the middle of the highway,

ranting and raving
at the passing cars.

"The aliens are here.
They're here!"

And nobody's listening to him.

Anyway here he is again,
ranting and raving

that these idiots
have unleashed the horror.

"They'll kill us all."

How do you get Kevin McCarthy,

Mr. Actors Studio
Kevin McCarthy --

How do you get him
to show up for "Piranha"?

-It's "Piranha."

-You got to know what
indie filmmakers

we're working with here,
I think is the answer to that.

When "Jaws" came out in 1975,

"The New York Times"
film critic Vincent Canby

said "'Jaws' is basically a
Roger Corman movie, but bigger."

And Roger Corman admitted
"'Jaws' scared me

because what Vincent Canby
did not say is that

they didn't just make a bigger
movie, they made a better one."

And so he did not try
to follow up immediately

with a "Jaws" rip-off

because he didn't think he
could match the special effects.

But once they announced
"Jaws 2" three years later,

he said, "Okay, here we go.

There will be massive publicity
before this movie comes out.

We'll take advantage
of the publicity,

come out two months before them,

and make a water-based
creature feature

before Universal's release."

So there was a producer
named Jeff Schechtman

who had already commissioned
a "Jaws" rip-off script,

and it substituted piranhas
for sharks,

and it was considered
a fairly horrible script.

But Roger Corman bought it
anyway so he could own

that concept,

and the first version of it

was written by a guy
named William Elledge,

and the idea was that a crazed
ichthyologist puts hundreds

of piranhas
into Los Angeles swimming pools

in order to avenge
the death of his twin brother.

Well, that script was sent
out for a rewrite

by Richard Robinson,

whose main credit was
that he had written

"Kingdom of the Spiders,"
the William Shatner cheapie.

So now the story becomes
piranhas are unleashed

in a river so they
can attack patrons of a resort

on Kern Lake,

which was a lake
in the San Joaquin Valley

that no longer exists, actually,

but it had a bear that chases
children into the water,

and then a forest fire

to drive the bear to chase
the children into the water,

and nobody liked
that script either.

-I like it.

-So Corman assigned
Francis Dole to find a writer

who could work quick and come
up with a good piranha concept.

Francis Dole -- I'm
not sure what her title was

at New World Pictures,

but she was sort of
the story department,

and she got a call
from an agent who said,

"Hey, I have this novelist
who wants to write screenplays.

Do you have anything for him?"

And she said, "Well,
the only thing I have

is this piranha project
that needs a second rewrite.

Who's your novelist?"
And he says, "John Sayles."

And she says, "Oh,

the guy who writes all the short
stories for 'Atlantic Monthly'?

We'd love to have him."

Now, I can guarantee you,

if that agent had called
Paramount or Fox

or Columbia or Universal,

they would have said,
"Who's John Sayles?"

But the people working
for Roger Corman

were the kind of people

who actually read the fiction
in "Atlantic Monthly."

And so John Sayles
comes on board

to write his first screenplay
ever.

And that screenplay was
"Piranha."

Of course,
he would go on to become

an acclaimed writer and director

and sort of Mr. Indie
of the '80s,

but he was a total unknown
in the Hollywood of 1978.

And what Roger Corman
really liked about him

is that he was fast.

He tore up
that Richard Robinson screenplay

and solved the
principal story problem,

which was Roger wanted to kill
every 10 minutes.

Well, how do you keep
the kills going

if people already know that
there are piranhas in the water?

Well, he solved that
with a map and a dam and a raft.

And so New World was
ready to go with this story.

But I'll tell you the rest
of that story at the next break.

And by the way,
did you notice that --

Um, you notice that
little humanoid lizard creature

that skitters across
the countertop

when Maggie and Paul

are skulking around
the research lab?

That creature was supposed
to come back at various times

in the movie,
getting larger each time,

and they were gonna end
with a giant version

of that creature
attacking a pier.

-Wow.
-But they had no money

for all that much
stop-motion animation,

so they just used it that
one time for creepy atmosphere.

But since we're talking
about star power,

that was Phil Tippett
who created the creature.

The effects genius
who was our guest

when we showed the 30 years in
the making

magnum opus "Mad God."

Um, but what did you think
of that mini lizard monster,

Darcy?
-Oh, my God, he's so cute.

They should have gone with
that idea.

-Yeah.
Also, over the years,

people have debated
what those sounds are

that the piranha make
when they attack.

-Dental drills.

-I always heard it was
dental drills. Right?

-I think they did, uh,
distort some dental drill noise,

but I think they
also threw in some other stuff.

Um, when you think about it --

No, I don't think a piranha
would make any noise, would it?

-Yeah, they actually bark.

-They do not.
-Piranhas bark.

-They do not.
They're underwater.

How do they bark?
-They bark loud. I don't know.

-When did you study
marine biology?

-Um, well, unofficially,
since I was born, basically.

Fish are cool.
-Yeah?

You have pictures of yourself
in that shark cage

you went to?

-I would assume so.
Yes, but that was forever ago.

-That just boggles the mind.

-Why?

-Major respect, Darcy,
for getting in that shark cage.

-What? No, it's just
a silly tourist thing.

And you should totally come
next time.

-Alright,
I'll think about that.

-You should.
-Alright, back to the movie.

Do you think piranhas are
as fierce as sharks?

-No, I do not, because
I don't think sharks are fierce.

I think they just do
what's natural.

-They eat things.

-Yeah, but remember, these are
mutant piranhas.

-Right. These are piranhas
bioengineered by the Army.

And I wonder why it was
the Army that did it

and not the Navy since they're,
you know, in the water.

-I mean, honestly,
it should have been the Navy,

because they do evil shit,

like they train dolphins
to be suicide bombers.

-True. Do they still do that?
They still have --

-I hope not.

-Suicide dolphins.
-That's not cool.

-You know what fish
I think is evil?

-What?
-Tilapia.

You know, whenever they want to
pawn off some cheap,

random school-cafeteria
fish on you, they say,

"Well, yeah, that's tilapia."

I mean, aren't there, like,
a thousand different --

It always tastes different.

You have this tilapia
and that tilapia

and this tilapia over here.

Are there, like, a thousand
different kinds of tilapia?

Okay, that looks like
alligator gar.

Nope. Tilapia.

You know, they just use that
to mean, "Here's something

that's basically one
of those fish

that'll eat anything,"
like catfish.

I think it is related
to catfish,

only it doesn't taste
as good as catfish

because we don't know
where it comes from.

We don't even know
what continent it comes from.

There's some fish we had.
We had tilapia.

-I don't really eat fish, but
I feel like tilapia is

actually --
It's a regular fish.

-No, no, it's not.

We should ask
that Hell's Kitchen guy.

Mmm, mystery fish.
We'll call it tilapia.

Put a label on it and sell it.

-And you've actually
thought about this?

-Yeah.

The Army could bioengineer
tilapias

and wipe out
entire civilizations.

Just tell them it's tilapia.

I'm not kidding.

-He thinks someone's
going to kill him.

-He's right.
I am if he steps out of line.

-Do you have any cigarettes?
-No.

Quit a year ago. It interfered
with my drinking.

-Do you mind
if I come in for a minute?

-Sure.

-So did you start
drinking before or after?

-Before or after what?

-Your wife left you.

-What the hell kind of question
is that?

-Look. I'm sorry.
I mean, I was just interested.

Um...do you mind if I sit here?

-Go ahead.

-How long were you married?

-Hmm?
Um...10 years.

She was just 17 when
we eloped in her father's car.

And we thought we had
the world by the balls.

-Where did you live?
-In town.

I worked in a
smelting operation downriver.

Then the government
closed us down,

said we were killing
too many fish.

They give it to the Army.

And the Army sold it
to some resort outfit.

So you know that
somebody was making a bundle

somewheres along the line.

-How do you make a living now?

-Oh. Back pay. Unemployment.

I'm gonna have to go to work
come September.

Yeah.

Keep my daughter
in saddle shoes.

-Does your daughter
live with you?

-Yeah.

-What's wrong?
-Hmm?

-You're so tense.

-Hmm?

I don't know.

Guess I'm not used to being
around people.

-Well, that's obvious.

I've been trying
to hint my way under the covers

for five minutes now.

-You are really something.

There's no way that we're gonna
get this guy down to town

without your Jeep.

-We have to do something.

He might have fractured
his skull.

-We got to get him to the dam.

There's usually a ranger there.
-How do we get there?

-On a raft.

-Come on. Stop kidding.
How do we get there?

-You'll see.

I read my daughter "Huckleberry
Finn" last summer.

We wanted to light out
for the territory,

so we settled on this
as a compromise.

-Looks authentic.

-Yeah.
Cut all the logs ourselves.

Not a single nail in her.
It's all lashing.

-Where's your daughter now?

-Summer camp,
other side of the dam.

-Just how sturdy is
this thing?

-Well,
I think it'll hold three people.

Though, to tell you the truth,
we never tried it.

My daughter's afraid
of the river.

-♪ Boys are made of greasy,
grimy gopher guts ♪

♪ Mutilated monkey meat,
little dirty birdie feet ♪

♪ Sneezed-up snail snot ♪

♪ Bashed-in beetles' brains ♪

♪ All in a bottle of blood ♪

♪ Boys are made of greasy
grimy gopher guts ♪

♪ Mutilated monkey meat ♪

-Suzie. Suzie.
Honey, don't be scared.

You just have to swim
out to the marker and back.

You've probably swum
twice that far in a pool.

Well, if you don't pass
your solo swim,

you can't get your water badge.

-I don't care.

-Well, what is it
that you're afraid of, honey?

-Things.

-You mean like sea monsters?

There's just a few
little fish in here.

They eat plants
at the bottom of the river.

They're not at all interested
in little girls'

fingers and toes.

-Dickinson!
-Over here, Mr. Dumont.

-Letter for you, Dickinson.
That same boy.

-Oh. Thank you.

-Still haven't tackled
your solo swim, Grogan?

-No, sir.

-Oh, she's kind of afraid
of things in the water.

-Things? What things?
Fish?

People eat fish, Grogan.
Fish don't eat people.

Do you want to be the one

to lose the camp competition
for the Minnows?

Of course you don't.

-Ah, she's doing
really well in handicrafts.

-Handicrafts?

Handicrafts don't take any
nerve, any intestinal fortitude.

You know what that means,
Grogan?

-Yes, sir. Guts.
-Right.

-Is there any mail for her?

-Nope. Skunked again, Grogan.

Grogan.

Guts!

-Aw.

Come on, let's go.
We'll play some Monopoly.

Why don't we try it
in an inner tube tomorrow?

Huh?

Come on.

-Hey, Brandy.

I ever tell you about that
other dog of mine called Philip?

Well, Philip,
he was in Baltimore with me.

He was a good dog. He...

He was walking across
the street one day...

...and he walked right
in front of a trolley car.

Trolley car ran over his tail.
It surprised him.

He turned around and
the trolley car...

I'm telling you a story.

Trolley car ran over his head.

Huh.

That's what you call
losing your head

over a little piece of tail.

It's pretty funny, huh?

-What's the matter with you?

You didn't like the story?

Want me to tell you
another story?

Maybe you didn't get the point.

-You getting soft in the head?

Aah!

Aah!

-Okay, my friend.

Number one...
what happened to those kids?

Alright, then, try number two.

What were you doing up
at the Army site?

-Stop that.
-Oh, he speaks.

Hey.

-Keep your hand out
of the water.

-What's wrong with the water?

-Since you're talking
this morning, buddy,

how about a name?

-Hoak. Dr. Robert Hoak.

-What's wrong with the water?

-The water is filled
with carnivorous fish.

Piranha.

Oh, Christ.

-In here?

How did they get in?

-You let them in
when you drained the pond

at the test site.

-Paul.
-Piranha are tropical fish.

Look, this is --
This is cold mountain water.

They wouldn't last
in here for a minute.

-What about that skeleton?

-Okay.

What would piranha be doing
up in that pond?

Huh?

-Untie me.

-Hey, what if I dip you
in the water

a little bit first, Doc,

see if you're making
the whole thing up or not?

Huh?

That's Brandy.

Jack's dog.

-Is he always so ferocious?

-You know, I don't think
I ever heard him do more

than roll over and beg for food.

We better take a look.

Easy, boy. Easy.

He must have dragged
himself this far.

Bled to death.

-I'm sorry.

-Yeah.

Well, I'll get a shovel.

He wouldn't want to
be buried in town.

-Ah.
Why don't you open your mouth?

Ah.

-Alright.

-No.

I just wanted one more.
Okay.

-The third victim
of the piranhas

is the great Keenan Wynn.

But before we get to that,
Darcy, did they have sex?

-What?

-Did Maggie and Grogan
have sex?

-Oh, yeah.
I think she came on to him.

Yeah.

-That was one of those fades.

Like in the old movies
where it's the next morning

and we're supposed to know
that they had sex, right?

-Right. It's not completely
clear, honestly.

-She says
she's been trying to get

under that blanket.

If -- if you know
what she means.

And I think we do.

-Well, yeah.
Then they had sex.

-So that's the storytelling
genius of Joe Dante.

This is not his first film.

He had done the ultra-cheapie

"Hollywood Boulevard"
previously.

He co-directed that
with Allan Arkush,

and Dante and Arkush

were the 2-man trailer-cutting
team at New World Pictures.

They edited all the trailers,

and so they were perfect
for "Hollywood Boulevard,"

which was a parody
of the place they were working,

New World Pictures.

They used all the stock footage

and the inserts
from numerous New World films

to satisfy a challenge.

Dante told Corman he could make
the cheapest feature in history,

breaking Roger's record
for "Little Shop of Horrors,"

and he did.

I think the whole movie cost
$60,000.

Anyway, in 1978, Corman had two
pictures that he wanted to make,

"Rock 'n' Roll
High School" and "Piranha,"

and he told Dante and Arkush

to fight it out
over who directed which movie,

and they both wanted
"Rock 'n' Roll High School."

Nobody wanted "Piranha."
-What?

-It sounded like a huge headache
to make "Piranha,"

and it was a huge headache.

But Arkush was just
so totally dedicated

to "Rock 'n' Roll High School."

It was his life's
dream to make a movie like that.

So he got that assignment.

But doing a "Jaws" rip-off
is not cheap.

And so the original budget
for this movie was $800,000.

And then two weeks
before shooting,

Roger looked at some
of the second-unit footage

that they were shooting
in Griffith Park,

and he decided
that 800K was too high.

He said,
"Just forget that footage.

We'll use it
on some other movie."

And he canceled the movie.

And so Dante and Arkush and
Francis Dole all went to Roger

and virtually begged him
to reconsider.

And he finally said, "Okay, I'll
make it, but no more than 600K."

And that was when they already
thought they were --

they were short on funds

to pull off
the actual piranha kills.

So Francis Dole suggested
that he bring in United Artists

and sell United Artists
the foreign rights.

So the idea was that
New World would put up 400

and United Artists
would put up 400.

But then Roger changed
his mind again and said,

"Okay, I'm gonna take
that United Artists' 400,

but we're only gonna put in
200 for our part."

Um, and I guess, you know,
the accounting was secret, uh...

After Joe Dante begged
him again, he added $60,000.

So the budget ended up
at $660,000.

And I think they never told UA

that they had those foreign
rights, cost 61% of the budget.

It was supposed to be 50%.

On the other hand,

the movie did better overseas
than it did in the U.S.,

and it did especially well
in South America

because in South America,
people know all about piranhas.

-Good point.

-The key decision
that Joe Dante made

was to acknowledge
the "Jaws" rip-off.

And he does that
in the scene in the airport

where we first see Maggie

and she's playing the
"Jaws" video game.

But -- But then he --
But then acknowledge it,

but then execute the story
without letting the goofiness

of that
overwhelm the horror of it.

And he ends up
with a nice balance

by inserting people
like Paul Bartel,

the Nazi summer camp leader,
but treating the mutant,

flesh-eating fish
as a real menace.

Alright,
let's go back to the movie.

So roll it.

Have you ever been afraid
to go into the water, Darcy?

I can't imagine that you have.

-I was never scared
of the ocean,

but for some reason,

I was always scared
of the deep end of the pool.

-Really?
I mean, not because you thought

creatures were in the water
at the deep end of the pool.

-No. Actually, yeah, because
when you go to the deep end,

it's really shadowy there.

So I always thought that,
like, it could be anything.

I literally thought I saw sharks
swimming around in the abyss.

-At the deep end of the pool?
-Yeah.

-Alright. Interesting.
At my Boy Scout camp,

we should have been afraid
to go into the water

because it was nasty,
but we were not.

It was the Buffalo River

and it was infested
with water moccasins.

And sometimes they
would brush up against your leg

and the counselor
would just say, "Well,

just don't bother them.

Don't bother them,
they won't bother you."

But what does a kid want to do

when he knows there's
a snake there?

-Um...take it home
and make it a pet?

-No! You want to kill it!

We wanted to kill 'em.
We'd try to kill 'em.

But you can't kill
a water moccasin.

-Really?
They're indestructible?

-Well, you can cut
their head off.

That is the only way
to kill a water moccasin.

Otherwise they play dead,
and then they come back to life.

-But that's awesome.

-Well, yeah.
And they hate Boy Scouts.

They have a special anger
towards Scouts.

-I understand that.

-Boy Scouts started in 1910,

so we've killed a lot
of water moccasins.

And they don't forget.
-As they should not.

-We should make that movie.

-What, "Killer Boy Scouts"?

-No, "Cottonmouth, the Movie."

Would you go to that?

-I would, I would
be rooting for the snakes.

-You'd be rooting
for the snakes to kill

innocent Boy Scouts?
-Absolutely.

-Sick, Darcy.
-Puh!

-Even in an inner tube, huh?

-Uh-huh.

-It's almost
impossible to fall in.

-But they can still get you.

-They, huh?

Okay. Okay, if that's really
the way you feel about it,

I'll try and help you
get out of the race.

But we've got to come
up with an excuse.

Do not lie.

-I got poison ivy.

-So does everybody
else in the camp.

Hey, maybe you could
just be getting your...

No, you're too young for that.

-Huh?

-Wait a minute.
I have an idea.

Come with me.

Come here.

Sit down here.

Let's see what we
have in our magic box.

Give me your knee.

Okay.

Get Darlene to take
your place in the race.

Okay? And if Dumont
squawks, limp a lot.

And I'll get you
a huge bandage for this.

-Feels like this thing's
snagged on the bottom.

Got myself tangled in it, too.

-Want me to help?

-No, you better stay there.

You might tip the canoe.

-I thought you knew all
about this kind of fishing,

from when you were a boy.

-Listen, when I was a boy,
we made our own nets

and made 'em right.

Jesus.

It feels like something's
snagged in here.

Ow!

-Did you get bit?

-Ouch! Ow!

-Dad!

-Stay back! Stay back!

-Dad! Dad!

Dad!

Dad!

-The government paid you?

-Of course they paid.

Where there's germ warfare,
the bomb, chemical warfare,

there's plenty of money.

Special agencies.

They pay.

They pay a lot better than
they do in private research.

-For raisin' fish.

-Oh, no.
It's a matter of genetics.

Radiation, selective breeding.

They called it...
Operation Razorteeth.

-What was it all for?

-To destroy the river systems
of the North Vietnamese.

Our goal was to develop a strain

of this killer fish that
could survive in cold water

and then breed at
an accelerated rate.

We had everything.
Blank check.

And then the war ended.

-You sound disappointed.

-They poisoned the water.

After all that work,

they poisoned the water.

-But some survived.

-We developed a lot of mutants

and a few of them were
able to resist the poison.

They ate their own.
Their own dead.

And then began to breed

like some wild species.

Suddenly there were hundreds.

Maybe thousands.

-Our tax dollars at work, huh?

-Well, that's science in the
service of the defense effort.

-Sure.

Spreadin' strains of bacteria
in the subway system.

-You put them in the river
where they could kill people.

Including civilians.

And little kids
swimming in the rivers.

-I never killed anybody.

If you wanna talk about killing,

you talk to your politicians,
the military people.

No, no, I'm a scientist.

-Kids in the water.

-What?

-The dam.

They let the water through
every couple of days,

you know, to keep the level
steady on the new lake.

The resort's down there,
the summer camp.

All those kids.
Come on.

-Hey, stop splashin'!

-It was pure research.

No scrounging for grant money.

No academic politics.

You don't know what that
means to a scientist.

-You fed them.

You kept them alive.

-I continued the experiment.

There was so much more I
could do with the species.

So much further I
could take them.

You're not holding me
responsible?

I think you are.

You pulled the plug and
you're holding me responsible?

Incredible.

You're blaming me.

-I think if you
open your mouth again,

I'll stick this pole in it.

-Do you think they've
opened the dam yet?

-I don't know.
We can only hope not.

-Daddy.

-Let's move it.

-It's sinking, Paul.

The canoe is sinking.
-Yeah.

-Daddy?

Daddy! Daddy!
It's going under.

-Don't do it!
Get outta there!

Come on, Maggie.

-Hold it here!
Hold it!

-Come on! Come on!

Come here!

Come on!

Give me your hand!
-Get the doctor!

Okay, now the doctor.

Easy, Doc.

Here.

Here you go.

What do we do?
What do we do?

How do we stop them?

Oh, Christ.

Campers!

No swinging after lunch.

-So far we know that they
can live in cold water.

-They seem to be
moving downstream.

Gotta find someone who knows
how to deal with these things.

-There'll be a phone at the dam.

We can call on ahead.

Hey.
-What?

-I don't know.

It seems like the
lashing's workin' loose.

-Paul...

there's something under us.

-His blood.

It's the doc's blood.

It's seepin' through.

They're eatin' away at
the lashing to get to it.

-Daddy!
-Let go, son.

No.
We gotta get rid of him.

-No, that's what
happened to my daddy.

-Let go.

-They're eating him.
They're eating him!

-Come here.
-They got my daddy!

-Come here!

You okay, boy?

How about you?
-I'm alright.

-You gotta stay here.

I'm gonna try to get to the dam

before they let 'em
through with the water.

Acres and acres
of reclaimed land

nestled in a scenic
mountain valley,

site of the newly
formed Lost River Lake.

Swimming, sailing, snorkeling,

skin diving, shuffleboard,

and for the small fry,
there's Buck Gardner's

Aquarena Amusement Arcade.

So pack up your RVs,
your station wagons,

your trailers and cars,

and hustle on up to
Lost River Campsite

for a free introductory
weekend.

No charge, no
obligation to buy.

Just be part of a modern
ecological miracle...

-Don't open it!

Whatever you do, don't open it.

-Once again,
I would like to compliment

the storytelling skills
of Joe Dante.

He is telling three stories
at once.

He's with Maggie and Grogan

and Hoak,
the scientist, on the raft.

He's with little Suzie and
her counselor at the summer camp

and their dashboard target,
Dumont, played by Paul Bartel.

And he's with the boy
and his father in the canoe,

which allows him to get another
grizzly kill into the narrative

while bringing a subplot
into the main plot

through Hoak
diving in to save the boy

and then getting eaten
by his own creations.

Dante was an experienced editor,

which served him very well
in this movie,

but he was also working
with John Sayles,

and Sayles made it clear
that he was ready

and eager to do rewrites
and additional dialogue,

especially after Dante gave
him a role in the film,

which I will point out later.

So when I say Kevin McCarthy
as Hoak was Mr. Actors Studio,

I am not exaggerating.

He was a founding member
of the Actors Studio,

and his famous first class
was taught by Elia Kazan.

You don't get any more method
than that.

Of course, we all
remember him

from "Invasion
of the Body Snatchers" in 1956,

but he was already
well established by that time.

His breakthrough was
actually playing Biff

in "Death
of a Salesman" in 1951,

in the version with
Fredric March as Willy Loman.

I always think there are
two American plays

that if you ever make it
to Broadway

in either one of these plays,
then you are an actor's actor.

And those two plays are
"Death of a Salesman"

and "Long Day's
Journey Into Night."

We have both plays
represented in this movie

because Bradford Dillman,
who plays Grogan,

played Edmund Tyrone,
the alter ego of Eugene O'Neill,

in the 1956 Broadway premiere of
"Long Day's Journey Into Night."

And that was actually
what led to his contract

with 20th Century Fox.

But, um...alright.

But Kevin McCarthy first.

Kevin McCarthy was
the brother of Mary McCarthy,

the novelist known
for "The Group."

Does anybody read
"The Group" anymore?

I don't think so.

It was a 1960s novel
that was considered super hip

because it dealt with abortion

and free love and lesbianism
and socialism,

all kinds of isms.

Anyway, that was
Kevin McCarthy's sister,

and they were both orphans
because their parents

were killed
in the flu epidemic of 1918.

But Kevin McCarthy's
first career choice was

to be a government diplomat, to
work for the State Department.

Ironic in view
of this particular role,

but he attended
the School of Foreign Service

at Georgetown University,

which is a ticket
straight into government.

But then he got bit
by the acting bug.

He switched
to the University of Minnesota

because Minnesota is
where he grew up,

and he majored in drama there.

And then he moved to New York

and got tutored
by Lee Strasberg,

who he said was,
"A nasty individual."

But he was already tied
to Actors Studio people

at the time
of his Broadway debut in 1938,

in "Abe Lincoln in Illinois,"
starring Raymond Massey as Abe.

And then he served in the Army
Air Force in World War II.

And then he ended up going back
and forth

between Broadway and film.

And in the movie
"Winged Victory,"

he did the play and the film,

but he ended up portraying a
whole lot of authority figures,

including, notably,
President Truman

in "Give 'Em Hell, Harry!" --
this one-man show

that he performed for
20 years all over the country.

Passed away in 2010
at the age of 96.

-Wow.
-So Joe Dante thought

Kevin McCarthy was
a little toomethod.

He got so carried away

that Dante thought he was
gonna kill Bradford Dillman,

but he didn't really
have to worry,

because the reason

that that raft is getting chewed
up by more than piranhas

is that Bradford Dillman was
also Actors Studio.

He almost always played
shady characters, though.

He made his acting debut
Off-Broadway in 1953,

in "The Scarecrow,"
which also had James Dean in it

and Patricia Neal
and Eli Wallach.

And then after that,

he got that Fox contract,

and then he won the Golden Globe
for "A Certain Smile" in 1958.

And if you want to see --
see him at his very best,

he got the Best Actor award
at the Cannes Film Festival

for "Compulsion,"

the 1960 movie based
on the Leopold and Loeb murders.

And of course, Dillman was
the alpha killer in that story.

Bradford Dillman
never quite broke through

as a bona fide movie star,

but by 1978, the year of
"Piranha,"

he was mostly playing --

He was mostly playing
supporting roles

in big-budget flicks

like "The Way We Were"
and "Lords of the Deep"

and the immortal guilty pleasure
disaster movie "The Swarm."

He was also John Wilkes Booth
in "The Lincoln Conspiracy,"

had many, many TV guest spots.

He spent two years
on "Falcon Crest."

He was still acting on "Murder,
She Wrote" in the '90s.

He died in 2018
at the age of 88.

And while we're describing
the acting chops on that raft,

let's not leave out
Heather Menzies,

who plays Maggie,

best known for playing
Louisa von Trapp

in "The Sound of Music"
when she was 15 years old.

And then for appearing in, uh --

Well, she appeared in an article
called "Tender Trapp" --

Get it? --
in "Playboy" in 1973...

-Oh. That's an important part
of the puzzle.

-...when she was 24 years old.

-Oh, wow.
-Nude pictorial in "Playboy."

Roger Corman really liked her.

She also starred
in the 1973 New World picture,

um, that you can't
really pronounce or say.

It's just a string of S's.

-Oh, yeah.
-"Sssssss."

Is that how you say it?
-That's how I say it.

-That snake movie
that he made.

But by the time of "Piranha,"

she was devoting most
of her time

to raising three children
that she had with Robert Urich,

um, died of brain cancer
at the age of 68, in 2017.

And now we're gonna return

to the 1978 exploitation
classic "Piranha."

Roll it.

Do people even call it
method acting anymore?

Do they still use that term?

-Yeah, I think so.

-But when they say it,
they're making fun of it, right?

-Oh, no.

I think people take it really
seriously, at least in L.A.

I don't -- I don't know.

-See, I think
Lee Strasberg was just trying

to describe how he teaches.

He was given an interview
one time and he just said,

"This is our method."

And somebody picked up on that

and decided that
method means fully committed

emotional acting, you know,
steroidal, right-brain acting.

-Oh, what did you --
what did you just say?

-You know how everybody's
left brain, right brain?

The right brain is emotional.

I think the right brain is
emotional.

Right? Yeah.
The right brain is emotional.

The left brain is logical.

-Yes, but go ahead.

-So a great method
actor can go 95% right brain.

Like when Nicolas Cage does
a berserker role,

they say he's full Cage.

And that just means he's hit
that 95% right-brain point.

He's -- He's got emotions
seeping out of his eyeballs.

-Why not 100% right brain?

-Well,
because Joe Dante is right.

You want to make sure
when you're acting,

that the person you're killing
doesn't get killed.

-Okay. Got it.
That makes sense.

-It can happen.
-Oh, I've seen it.

-Yeah.
Where'd you see it?

-What? The full cage?
-Yeah.

-I mean, I live in Hollywood.

I see that full cage
on the street every day.

Trust.
-You see it on the street?

Okay, dial that sucker back,
man.

-I know, right?

-Alright, men,
off your butts.

Fall in.

Move it!

-You'll forgive our
skepticism, Mr. Grogan,

but we don't come across
stories like yours every day.

-Piranha are warm-water fish.

This is hardly the Amazon.

-But I told you,
these are mutations.

They've already killed
five people that I know of.

-Science fiction.

-You ready with
that bait, soldier?

-Yes, sir.
-Let her go, son.

-Actually, a piranha
was caught once

in a pond in Miami,
in '72, I believe.

But the Fish and Game Commission

poisoned the water, and
that, of course, was that.

-That was that, huh?

-I mean, the rumors persisted,
you know, but...

-Pull it in, son.

Sergeant, tell the major
to start the pumps.

-We should be able to
contain them in this area.

Piranha travel in schools,

and we've brought heavy
doses of rotenone 235.

-Came pretty
well-prepared, didn't you?

-Won't it ruin this
part of the river?

-Sometimes it's necessary
to destroy in order to save.

-What if they realize
they're bein' slaughtered

and head back upriver?

-We're talking about
fish, Mr. Grogan.

They don't realize
much of anything.

-Now, wait a minute.
Who are you trying to kid?

You must've known all along
that these things were here.

You wouldn't have
brought all this stuff.

-Okay, Mr. Grogan, here it is.

You and Miss McKeown are
the only two civilians

who know about this project.

-What the colonel really means

is that he'd like
you to join us.

Become one of our
team, as it were.

-It figures.

-Impossible.

-Look, you're
a full colonel, right?

I assume you can read a map.

Here.

We are here at the dam, okay?

Now look over here,
and you'll see

that there's a stream
that feeds into it.

Okay, we follow the stream back

for about an eighth of a mile
and you see there's a fork.

Take this branch,
follow it downstream,

and you'll see it
empties into the river

on the other side of the dam.

In other words, the piranha

have got a way to get
around the obstacle.

-Even if there's
a chance that he's right,

don't you think you
should do something?

-No.
Even if a bypass exists,

piranha have neither
the intelligence

nor the motivation to find it.

-But you know
what Hoak was into.

He was breeding them
for endurance

and intelligence and...

-Well, Bob was a dreamer.

He, uh...

-Bob?

Dr. Hoak?

You knew him?

-Well, fish genetics is
a very small field.

-You were friends?

-Let's say we were
a great deal more than that.

You're covering up.

Is it Waxman?

Are you afraid of what the
Army might do to you if you --

-No, I'm not afraid.

I'm a scientist.
I'm head of my department.

It's just that there
are priorities, and...

Some things are more important
than a few people's lives.

-That's not how Dr. Hoak felt.

Not at the end.

-As I said, he was a dreamer.

-If anything else happens,
it's your responsibility.

-The situation is entirely
under control, Grogan.

-Hold on now.
What is this?

Why won't you listen to me?

-Would you excuse us
for a moment, please?

As far as you're
concerned, Mr. Grogan,

this project does not
exist, understand?

The piranha do not exist.

-And if I make a squawk?

-Paul...

-The interests
of national security

permit very extreme measures.

-Oh, come on!
The war's over, damn it!

-There'll be other
wars, Mr. Grogan.

-I think for your
own protection,

we'd better secure you
a tent for the night.

-Look who's here.
-Hey, Tom, what's goin' on?

-Nothin'.

-Psst!
Is he still out there?

-Yep.

-Then you'll have
to distract him.

-Why?
-So I can get away.

-So you can get away?
-Shh!

-What about me?

-Alright, suit yourself.

But first you're gonna
have to distract him.

-How?
-How would I know?

Just get him with his
back to the opening.

You know, come on to him.

What if he's gay?

Then I'lldistract him.
Let's go.

Uh...

Hi.

Uh...

Nice night, huh?

Listen, are you gay?

-What?

-Oh...

Well, I was just reading

this article in this
magazine, and...

-What did you ask me before?

-Look!

Up in the sky!

It's Superman!

-Oh, shit!

-What's wrong?
-Have you got a dime?

-Hello?

What?
What piranhas?

What are you talking about?

What?

Are you crazy?
Who is this?

Oh, Grogan.

Yeah, I remember you.

You're not crazy, you're drunk.

No, I don't wanna talk to her.

I'm sure she's as
drunk as you are.

You wake me up again,
I'll have the cops on you.

What?

No, you can't talk
to your daughter.

Sober up, Grogan, and fly right!

Piranhas.

-Asshole!

-He didn't believe you.

-He thinks I'm drunk.

-Can you get through
to your daughter?

-No way.
We gotta get down there.

-Paul, behind us.

-I know.

No way we can outrun
him in this thing.

-Maybe we can talk to him.
Maybe he'll believe us.

-Piranha, huh?

And where did they come from?

-From an Army test site up
on the mountain.

-That's posted up there
there's no trespassing.

-Posted or not, two people
have been killed up there,

and more have been
killed along the river.

-You've gotta believe us.

-Now, wait.

Say, aren't you Grogan?

-Yeah, that's right.

-Uh-huh, I remember.

We had you in on a drunk
and disorderly last month.

-I am not drunk, damn it!

You give me a breath
test, whatever you want,

only please would
you listen to me?!

-I think I'm gonna take
you up on that, buddy,

back to the station.

And while we're there,
you can explain

what you're doing this time
of night in an Army staff car.

And don't you get
any notion, man,

'cause I got my gun in
my other hand here.

Okay?

Okey-dokey, let's go.

-Yes. We've got a bit
of a situation up here.
A very delicate situation.

And you can help us control
it by holding them for us.

-Yes, Colonel, yes, yes.
I understand.

We'll do.

-Make sure they don't try to
communicate with the outside.

We're tryin' to avoid
unnecessary panic.

-Certainly.

Their best interests, I agree.

Well, you're welcome, Colonel.
Uh...

See you in the mornin'.

Well, you best make
yourself comfortable, folks.

You'll be spending the night.

-What about a phone call?

You have to give us
a phone call!

-I don't wanna hear it.
I don't wanna hear it.

I gotta get back
on that road now.

So you folks, you just
behave yourselves.

-Now, wait a minute.
You can't just leave!

My daughter's down there!

There are kids down there,

and the piranhas
are in the river!

Please!

-Okay, I've been complimenting
Joe Dante throughout this movie,

but it's time
for a little negativity here.

Because, Joe,
what's with those stunt breasts?

It's not just that you're using
fake breasts --

the old trick where you insert
some other girl's chest

for the chest
of the main actress,

but it's the roughest-looking,
grainiest jump-cut, insert shot

in the history
of exploitation film.

It's like you just cut
breasts out of a magazine

and had somebody hold them
up in front of the camera.

I'm not even sure
those breasts should be part

of the breast count.

What do you think, Darcy?

-It was a lame move, for sure,

but all breasts
should be counted.

-And Heather Menzies had done
a whole "Playboy" pictorial.

Was that a thing where,
"I'll get naked for Hugh Hefner,

but I won't do it
for Roger Corman"?

-I feel like Roger was really
strict about that, actually.

Didn't one of his stars
get fired

because she didn't do -- She
refused to do her nude scenes?

-Yes, she did.

As a matter of fact,
in "Angel of Destruction,"

they had to invent a new plot.

They killed off the lead

and had her "sister" arrive
to finish the movie with nudity.

You know,
we've talked about that before.

In fact,

I know Roger started
putting it in the contract

that if you accept a role
with breast nudity,

you had to do it

because I think it was
a pattern of women waiting

till they're on the set to say,
"I'm not gonna do that."

And he considered breast nudity
part of marketing at the time.

So anyway, supposedly,

Heather Menzies said
she didn't think

her husband would like her doing
the above the waist nudity

because apparently
she never showed

that "Playboy" pictorial
to Robert Urich.

That was her...
-Right.

-And apparently,

Robert Urich never worked
with anybody in show business

who had done "Playboy"
pictorials, because...

-You're right.

-Anyway, she wouldn't do
the scene.

So they went to
a local restaurant.

They picked out a waitress
who looked like her boobs

were big enough, and they said,

"How would you like
to be in a movie?"

And she accepted
enthusiastically.

Um, so I believe those are
uncredited stunt breasts.

-Welcome to my world.

-If those were your breasts,

if you're listening to
this show,

and if those were your breasts,
please let us know.

We will acknowledge
your two contributions

to "Piranha..."
-Yes, please.

-...in a later show.
But the military policeman

who is so transfixed
by those breasts

that Maggie and Grogan

are able to escape,
that military policeman,

is John Sayles,
the screenwriter.

Sadly, because of Joe Dante's
editing techniques,

he never got to see
the actual boobs.

We talked about John Sayles
when we showed "Alligator,"

but he used money
from his Roger Corman scripts

to make the indie hit "Return
of the Secaucus Seven,"

big indie hit.

He was a New Yorker originally
from Schenectady, New York,

who worked in factories,
worked in hospitals.

He worked as a meat packer
for a while,

while he was all that time
writing short stories

that got him noticed.

And then he wrote a novel called
"Pride of the Bimbos" in 1975,

about a little person
who dresses in drag

and goes from town
to town playing baseball.

Yes, that's what I said.
-Okay. Just checking.

-And anyway, this was
his first screenwriting job,

but he would have many
more screenwriting jobs.

Besides "Alligator,"

he wrote "Battle Beyond the
Stars" for New World Pictures.

That was based on Corman's
idea to do

the "Seven Samurai in Space,"

as well as "The Lady in Red,"
produced by Julie Corman,

about the woman who accompanied
John Dillinger the night

he was gunned down at
the Biograph Theater in Chicago.

But right now, we're gonna
watch Grogan and Maggie,

two of John Sayles'
most inventive characters,

I must say, figure out how to
get out of jail a second time.

First, they escaped the Army.

Now they have to escape
the local deputy dogs

as the piranha move downriver

and the flick moves
toward massive carnage.

So roll it.

What about you, Darcy?

Did you --

Did you ever have to sign one of
those breast nudity contracts?

-Oh, yeah. Of course.

-I've heard this story a lot,
though.

You're on the set
arguing about it.

Isn't that something
that could just be agreed on

before the camera's
ever turned on?

I mean, yes or no.

You're either gonna do it

or you're not gonna do it,
right?

-That happens.

But then the opposite
also happens

where they just throw it
at you last minute.

-Oh, sneaky filmmakers.

-Exactly.

-Yeah.

You need three pairs of breasts
in an exploitation film.

Roger Corman taught me this.

This is the Roger Corman --
Can I tell the story?

-Yes. Please do.
-Okay.

-Um, "Joe Bob, we normally have
one girl

who is nude above the waist
twice,

once near the beginning
of the movie

and once near the dramatic
high point of the movie.

Then we have two
supporting actresses

who are nude above the waist
in one scene each.

If you deliver those
four scenes using three girls,

the average male viewer will
believe he has seen a lot more

than he has actually seen."

-That was good.
-I loved Roger.

-We all did.

-The witch and the
demons of the forest
scoured every corner
of the church,

venom dripping from their fangs.

"Where is he?" hissed the witch.

The demons peeled their
heavy eyelids back.

There he is!

-There's absolutely
no cause for alarm.

It's a complete hoax,
believe me.

Yeah.

I just wanted to
warn you in case

they were able to
get a call through.

Groundless panic of that kind

wouldn't help our
grand opening any.

-Uh-huh.

Well, look, I really
appreciate the warning.

I'll brief my staff.
We'll take care of it.

Yeah, don't worry.

Uh-huh.

By the way, are you
comin' down tomorrow?

Ah, good. Good.

Your presence will lend a
certain prestige to the opening.

Mm-hmm.

Huh?

No.
No, Colonel.

Nobody knows about
your investment.

Colonel, with me, a silent
partner's privacy is sacred.

I swear to you on my honor
as a Texan, nobody knows.

Yes, Colonel.

Good night.
Good night.

Schmuck!

Hey, come on, you guys!
Will you haul ass?

This stuff's gotta be set
by 10:00.

What are you doing back there?

Hide, that's all
they do, they hide.

They drink beer and they hide.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I always like it at night.

-Yeah, me too.

It's like it's resting.

-Hey, wanna race me across?

-To the island?
-Yeah.

Ever since I got here,

I haven't been able to
just swim by myself.

I've always had half a dozen
campers hangin' on to me.

-I don't know. I don't really
feel much like swimming.

But go ahead, I'll watch you.

-What's the matter?
-I don't know.

-Something -- Something's wrong.

-Come on, why don't
you come with me?

It'll do you some good.

-You know,
you're probably right.

-Good, okay.
-Okay.

-Grogan, turn off
that flashlight!

Don't be alarmed,
ladies, it's only me.

There's a rumor
some of the campers

are coming down here
for a midnight swim.

Well, if I catch any of them
swimming, they'll be

in pretty hot water,
I can tell you.

What are you doing
down here, by the way?

-Oh, well, we --

-I thought I heard
some campers swimming.

We came down to look.
-Yeah.

-Swimming? Where?

-Over by the waterfall.

-The waterfall?
-Yes.

-Is that where they're doing it?

What was that?

-It sounded like campers on
the other side of the lake.

-The other side of the lake?

Thank you.

Kim Burrell, is that you?

-Well, there's always
tomorrow for that swim.

-Yeah.
Let's do it tomorrow.

-What are you doin' there?

-Did I ever tell you about
Mo Schneider?

-Who's that?

-He was this guy they sent
me to find one time.

He was a plumber.

He kept running off
and getting busted

for indecent exposure.

-Hey.
What are you doin' there?

-Mo was in the poky
so many times

that he developed
a regular escape routine.

Of course, being a plumber, he
used what he knew best.

-What the hell was that?

-What are you doing?

Are you alright?

Christ, listen.

This, uh, this plan,

whatever it is,
did it ever work?

-No. But he came pretty
close a couple of times.

Pretty damn close.

-Hey, Jesus, what's
all that racket?

Sounds like the roof fell in.

What's all this water from?

-Something's leaking in here,

and I'm gonna catch pneumonia
if it doesn't stop.

-What's the matter
with that sink trap?

-I've tried and I've tried, but
I'm just not strong enough

to put the pipes back together.

-Alright. Stand back,
I'll take a look at it.

What the hell did
you do to this thing?

Tryin' to crawl
through the drainpipe?

-What's happenin'?
What's goin' on?

-He's knocked out,
but he's alive.

-Get his keys.
Can you get his keys?

-They're chained to his pants!

-Well, take his pants off, then.

Come on.

I'd have thought you
could get a man's pants

off quicker than that.

-Got 'em! I got 'em!

-Come on. Let's go.

What did you hit him with?

-A piece of the toilet lid.

-Oh, Jesus.

-Maybe I should have
tried bribing him first.

-Thank you, Mo Schneider.

You don't suppose
that one of those keys

would fit a patrol car?

-I wouldn't be surprised.

-Howdy, folks.
I'm Buck Gardner.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

On behalf of Buck Gardner's

Aquarena Development
Corporation,

it gives me great
pleasure to invite you

this afternoon to our
opening-day festivities.

If you have any questions about
purchasing land up here,

our people will be
mingling in the crowd

to answer your questions,
help you out any way they can.

Just remember, you got no
obligation to buy anything,

only to enjoy yourselves.

Annie?

Right there.

Right there.

Try again.

Nice try, kid.

That's it!

Don't forget, free barbecue
this afternoon at 1:00.

Enjoy yourselves.

We got 'em.

-No comics!
No comics, no discipline.

Water competition.
Muster up.

Time for the water competition.

Put those arrows away.

Put the bows in the tep--

That isn't funny.

-Okay, Minnows, over here!

Come on, kids, let's line up.

Come on, you guys.

-Guppies!
Come on, let's go!

Come on, line up.
That's right, come on.

-Okay.
-Stand in line.

-Straight line.

All the way to the
back, there we go.

-Okay.

We're gonna have a tube race
really soon.

And who's gonna win?

Minnows!
-We are!

-We are!

-Alright.

Okay, you guys.

-You cannot swim with
your glasses on.

Let's turn this way now.
Buddy system.

Arms up.
There we go.

Stand up straight.
Come on.

-Stand up straight.
-Okay.

-Come on, be proud
you're a Guppy.

Hold your stomach in.

Put your arms down.

That's good, that's good.

Hold your stomach in.

Dumont:
Morning, campers.

Fall in back here and buddy up.

-Mr. Dumont, we're
ready for you, sir.

-Arms down!

Alright now, campers.

This is where we're going
to separate

the tortoises from the hares,
the wheat from the chaff,

and the sinkers
from the swimmers.

-Saltwater.
-What?

-I just remembered,
it was saltwater.

-What was?

-In the pond at the test site.

I thought it was
strange at the time,

then I forgot about it.

-So?
-Piranha are freshwater fish.

That means that Hoak must
have developed a strain

that can live both
in fresh and salt.

You know, like salmon.

That's why they
headed downstream.

-And if they get to the ocean?

-There'll be no way
to contain 'em.

They'll be able to swim up
every river system

in the country.

-And what are you
doing here, young lady?

You're supposed to
be out in that race.

-But Betsy told me --

-I don't want to
hear any excuses.

Get yourself a tube
and get out there.

-But I hurt my knee.
-On the double, camper!

Listen up, you kids, listen up!

We're gonna start the
tube race in a minute.

Kathryn! McCarthy! MacBride!

All you campers, come in here.
You're too far out.

-Goddamn Sunday driver.

Ready?

Come on!

This is a race, people!

Jacobson, put
a little muscle in it!

Parkinson, a little effort!

Kids, let's get
a little leg action!

-What's the matter?

-What is that?

Oh, my God, Laura! Laura!

-Suzie! Suzie, no!
Go back! Go back!

-Get on the boat.

-Come on! Come on!
Dig into it!

-Oh! Oh!
-Betsy.

-Betsy!

-And that's the sad moment

when the kind counselor Betsy
meets her demise.

That actress is Belinda Balaski,

who made 12 films
with Joe Dante,

including probably
the one most people remember

as Terry Fisher
in "The Howling."

-Nice.
-But how about the massive

killing of children
in this movie?

Could you get away
with this today, Darcy?

Killing this many children?

-"Terrifier 3" exists,

so I'm gonna say
"Piranha" would be fine.

-Yeah, but, I mean...
-Just saying.

-...they wipe out the equivalent

of an elementary school and two
middle schools in these scenes

where the kids are trying
to get out of the water.

I mean, the piranha
that leaps out of the water

and eats Paul Bartel's face,

I think they wanted to stick
in a cartoon element

just so they could get away
with all that violence

against children.

Alright. Then,
I guess I have to mention

the gratuitous
Barbara Steele role.

-Yes, you do.

-She's the scientist who shows
up to support the military.

And there's a hint
that she was the lover

of the dead scientist
played by Kevin McCarthy.

I don't know why you needed
that character, actually.

It would seem
to be enough just to have

the pompous Colonel Waxman.

Why do you need
two military characters?

And then you have the late,

great Dick Miller
as the resort promoter,

doing what he does best,
being sleazy.

All of Dick Miller's scenes

take place at the
Aquarena Springs Amusement Park

in San Marcos, Texas,

which opened in 1951
but shut down in 1996,

and which every Texan
of a certain age

knows as a kind of
guilty-pleasure place

because it was the home of
not just Ralph the Diving Pig...

-Oh.

-...but the underwater theater
with the Aqua Maidens

and the soaring gondola
Swiss Sky Ride

and the underwater theater
and the Wild West shootout

and the alligators
and the glass-bottom boats.

-Nice.
-It's amazing

people would want to ride
in a glass-bottom boat

on any Texas river.

All you're gonna see
is spotted gar and turtles

and a lot of
underwater vegetation, you know.

But anyway, it was a big deal
for almost 50 years there

at the headwaters
of the San Marcos River.

And they eventually sold it
to Texas State University,

which still uses
those glass-bottom boats

for nature tours.

At its peak, though,

Aquarena Springs had
350,000 visitors a year.

But alas, Ralph the Diving Pig
was downsized out of a job.

-Aww.
-Okay.

Back to the stunning conclusion
of "Piranha."

Roll it.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Forgot to mention Glurpo
the Swimming Clown, too.

When I first heard
they were doing "Piranha"

at Aquarena Springs,

I thought, well,
it's gonna be great

to see Glurpo eaten by piranhas.

'Cause Glurpo,
he worked under--

he worked in
the underwater part of the show.

He looked a little
like Bozo the Clown,

but he had a cowboy hat,

and his real job was to hold the
air hose for the Aqua Maidens.

So if they started
getting out of breath,

they could take a hit
off the air hose.

But he cavorted around

and pretended
to take pictures of little kids

through the glass,

probably terrifying
the little kids in the process.

Anyway, the reason we never saw
Glurpo get eaten by piranha

is that the piranha carnage
was all shot

at the University
of Southern California in L.A.

They have an Olympic-size
swimming pool there

where Rob Bottin did
the effects.

And that was
the same swimming pool

where they had shot
the Johnny Weissmuller

Tarzan movies.

But Piranha would be
the last time

the university ever allowed
filming there,

because
the "Piranha" effects guys

poured 300 gallons of Karo syrup
into the pool

and they dropped about $1,000
worth of aquatic weeds

into the pool,
and after eight days of filming,

the pool was just black

with some kind of fungus
that was growing there.

And when they poured
chlorine into the pool

to try to clear it out,
it made it worse.

And the fungus started eating
the paint off of the fake fish

that they were putting in there.

And the actors -- the actors
started complaining

about ear infections and...

diaper rash,
if you know what I mean,

and I think you do.

-Oh, my God.
-So, anyway.

The pool had to be drained
and sandblasted

to get rid of
whatever new life form

had been created
by the "Piranha" filmmakers.

They had to send experts
from Sacramento

to check it out and make it safe
for humans to enter it again.

-That is actually
kind of awesome, though.

-Indie filmmaking
at its finest.

-Yes, true.

-Never let an indie film crew
near your house.

-Also true.

-Suzie!

-Daddy!

-There's a phone in there.

You call the resort
and warn 'em.

I'll get those kids
out of the water.

-Operator, get me the number

of the Aquarena Springs Resort.

Well, look in the phone book.
It's in the phone book.

-Enjoy yourself.
Enjoy yourself.

Have a good time.
Everything's free today.

Enjoy yourself.
Keep 'em moving, Terry.

Wrong way, kid.
This is the exit, come on.

-Hey, baby.
-Mr. Gardner?

Mr. Gardner?
-What is it?

-Oh, real important.

-Buck Gardner.

-Now listen to me.

This is not a crank call.

I am completely serious.

-Emergency?

-Easy, now. Easy.

I got you, I got you.

Alright.

-Please.

Please, you've gotta believe me.

-Thank you.

-Listen to me!

Look, please, before it's --

-Thank you.

Piranha.

-And they said they're sending
an ambulance from Cable Springs.

-We're gonna have to drive
to the resort ourselves.

-Kids, sit down, sit down.

-Can you handle this?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

-Honey...

Honey, I'll be back for you
real soon, I promise.

So you be brave, huh?

Help out here?

That's my girl.

It's okay, Suzie.

He'll be back.

-We got plenty of targets.
Yes, sir. Right over there.

-By the way, sir,
they've noticed.

One woman thought she recognized

the submarine ride from
somewhere in Florida.

-Of course she did.

I picked it up second-hand
in Coral Gables.

Skyway's from Redondo Beach.

Boathouse is army surplus.

Dancing chickens, I got 'em
from a carnival in Idaho.

Ralph the Swimming Swine?

He comes all the way
from Atlantic City.

-That's just it, sir.
They're saying,

for a new resort,
nothing's looking very new.

-Eh, what the hell do they know?

Ralph the Swimming Swine's
practically a national monument.

That little porker's been
swimming around the steel pier

for more years than
I can remember.

The rest of this stuff,
they just don't make it.

I mean, that submarine ride is
a piece of Americana.

-Yes, sir.

-Maybe they never
heard of recycling.

-I don't know, sir.

-Smile, we're goin' public.

Hello, Senator.

How are you?

-If they get to the media,
we're both screwed.

-Colonel Waxman.

Dr. Mengers.
What a pleasant surprise.

-They busted jail.

-Look, I know.
They already called here.

-Is your staff ready?
-They're all set.

-I think you should call
some of your friends

in the local newspaper
and warn 'em

they might be getting
some crank calls.

-Wouldn't it be better
if we waited till --

-You got your orders, mister.
Hop to it.

-Hey, cool it with the military
crap, will you, Colonel?

I'll take care of it.

Whitney?
-Sir.

-Let's, uh, hop to it.

-General Waxman,
it's been so long.

-It's Colonel, ma'am.

-Colonel? Still?

Oh, I can't imagine why.

-Politics, ma'am. Politics.

Stupid cow.

-Ready?

-Okay!

-Hey, he really does ski great.

He's such a show-off.

-He thinks he's such hot shit.

-Maybe we're not going
fast enough for him.

-I can fix that.

-Hold it!
There's something back here!

Take me in!

Now!

-Hey, I think something's wrong.

-Yeah, we haven't
dumped him yet.

-Stop!

Take me in!

There's something in here!
Come on!

Get me outta here!
Come on!

-Slow down! Stop!

-Faster! Don't stop!

-Wait. He says...

-No!

-Speed up. Speed up!

-Stop!

Aah!

-Damn it!

-No, Bob.
It's completely false.

There's not a word
of truth to it, believe me.

We already talked to the other
newspapers about it.

-Sir?
-Excuse me, I'm on the phone!

-Sir. The piranhas.

-I thought I told you
not even to say that word!

-But the piranhas...

-What about
the goddamn piranhas?

-They're eating
the guests, sir.

-Uh...

Uh, Bob, I'm gonna have to
get back to you on this.

Um, we've got a...

Uh, we got a-a situation
down here.

-Come on.
-Get off!

-You'll tip us over.

-Get off!

-Damn it, get off!

-Help, help!

-Where are we going?

-The lake narrows where
the outlet for the refinery was.

They'll be bunched tight
when they come through there.

-What then?

-If it isn't capped off,

there might be enough waste
left in the smelting tanks.

-It'll kill the fish?

-It'll kill anything.

We'll pollute the bastards
to death.

Oh, Lord.

No!

-What's wrong?
-It's all flooded.

The control booth is underwater.

-What can we do?

-Well, we gotta do somethin'.

Where's that towline?

-It's in the back.

-So, I want you to start
counting slowly up to 100.

Then, whether I'm up
to the surface or not,

you hit that throttle and
gun this sucker outta here.

If I'm not up by then,
it means I'm in trouble,

'cause that's as long
as I can hold my breath.

So, let's count it down
together.

-Okay?
-Okay.

-One...
-One...

Two...

-Three...
-Three...

-Four...
-Four...

Five...

Six...

Seven...

48...

49...

63...

64...

82...

83...

98...

99...

100.

Paul!

-Lost River Lake.

Terror, horror, death.

Film at 11.

-Medic!

-Medic!
-Help!

-What the hell are you filming?

What the hell
are you filming?!

-Try and take some.

-And where do we go
from here, Dr. Mengers?

-Well, I'm personally
going to head

a full-scale investigation
into this incident,

both to discover
who was responsible

and to make absolutely certain

that nothing like this
could possibly happen again.

-As an expert in
tropical species,

what danger is there
in the possibility

of the piranha
reaching the ocean?

-Oh, none at all.

Most of them will
have been destroyed

by pollution at
the end of the lake.

Of course, if any of them
did get through,

there's no way they could
survive the salt water.

There's nothing left to fear.

-Okay, that ending is a little
abrupt, but that's "Piranha."

And it has one of the classic
lines in exploitation history --

"They're eating
the guests, sir."

The most impressive thing to me,
Darcy,

is that they trained those fish
to chew off bikini tops.

What do you think?

-About the bikini tops?
It's impressive.

-No, about the movie.
-Oh. Pfft! Okay.

I agree with you that it's one
of the best "Jaws" rip-offs.

I like the tongue-in-cheek
style,

but it's not a complete spoof,
like, silly, you know?

It's a really solid
monster movie

that just happens
to have a strong sense of humor.

-True.

And it's the only monster movie,
I think,

where the monster is polluted
to death.

I challenge everybody, though --

Try to hold your breath
from the time

Bradford Dillman goes down
into the water

until she pulls him out
with the speedboat.

And I don't care how slowly
you're counting to 100 --

I got to say, that's impossible.

Anyway, you may be wondering
how they got the U.S. Army

to provide all that equipment --

the Jeeps, the uniformed extras,
all that stuff.

What they did is they gave
the military a fake script

that promoted the Army
as the heroes of the story.

And as a result,

the Army provided all that
military equipment for free,

not realizing it was one
of the worst portrayals

of the Army in film history.

So, the movie was
a gigantic hit, even though --

do we ever see a fish actually
eating somebody, Darcy?

I remember a close-up
of a fish eating a foot.

-For what,
one-tenth of a second?

It counts. It's a foot.

-The piranha were
actually rubber puppets

attached to sticks.
-Aw.

-And yet they pulled it off.

It was released
on August 3, 1978,

and both Joe Dante and
John Sayles expected it to bomb.

But three weeks into
its release,

it had recorded $2.1 million
in box office in 196 theaters,

and it became the biggest hit
of Roger Corman's

New World Pictures
up to that time.

It ended up -- it ended up
grossing $6 million domestic

and $10 million overseas,

even though Ebert and Siskel,

who were the two
most influential film critics

at the time,
despised this movie.

Gene Siskel called it,
quote, "disgusting."

He said, "If you like seeing
pre-teenagers yelp with pain,

then you'll love 'Piranha.'"

And they had a feature
on their weekly show

called Dog of the Week,
and Ebert delivered

his review of "Piranha"
while holding a dog on his lap.

Um, Universal Pictures
actually wanted to sue New World

for ripping off "Jaws",

even though
of all the "Jaws" copycats,

this one is the most original,
in my opinion.

Unfortunately for
the Hollywood legal community,

Steven Spielberg screened
the movie and loved the movie,

and so the Universal lawsuit
went away.

The main importance
of "Piranha," I think,

is that it launched
the directorial career

of the pride of Morristown,
New Jersey -- Joe Dante. Joe
had...

-Whoo!
-Yeah!

-Joe had polio as a child,

just like I did...
-Aw, yeah.

-And so he spent
much of his time

at the local movie house.

He had aspirations
to be a cartoonist.

He attended the prestigious
Philadelphia College of Art.

He became a film reviewer
after that,

and then he discovered
his calling in 1974

when he became Roger Corman's
trailer editor.

And I already mentioned
"Hollywood Boulevard,"

the quickie that he did
with Allan Arkush.

He was also the co-writer
on "Rock 'n' Roll High School."

He was the editor on
Ron Howard's directorial debut,

"Grand Theft Auto,"

and then this movie led
to another big, low-budget hit

with "The Howling" in 1981,

and then two big-budget hits.

He did a segment
of "Twilight Zone: The Movie,"

and then he did "Gremlins."

Uh, he actually prefers
"Gremlins 2: The New Batch"

to the original,
I've heard him say.

-So do I.

-Huh?
-So do I.

-He considers that
his best film,

but he's done lots of other
stuff, like "Innerspace" --

Dennis Quaid injected
into the body of Martin Short.

Um, "Explorers" --
-Nice.

-...a sci-fi fantasy
about three kids

who build their own spaceship.
-Ethan Hawke, right?

-Uh, Tom Hanks in "The 'Burbs."

Uh, John Goodman in "Matinee."

Many other movies and TV shows.

He holds the Dick Miller record.

He cast Dick Miller
in every movie he ever directed,

plus four TV episodes
that he directed

and even as late as 2011,

he was directing 10 episodes
of "Hawaii Five-0."

Talk about a guy who continues
to work, work, work, work, work.

He does the
"Trailers From Hell" podcast.

Still actively working.

I think the last thing
I heard that he's doing

is a "Little Shop of Horrors"
remake.

Um, but the sequels and remakes
of "Piranha" did not do so well.

Um, Corman didn't have rights
to the sequel,

so "Piranha 2: The Spawning"
was a flop,

even though it was directed
by James Cameron

and had Lance Henriksen
in the lead.

Um, not to --
not to mention they had

three times the budget
of "Piranha 1."

Some people like the, um,
Alexandre Aja remake in 2010.

-Yeah, I'm one of those people.

I-I feel like you knew that.

-Yeah. Come on.
-I love it! I love it.

-Nobody likes "Piranha 3DD,"
from 2012.

-Well, we're not talking
about double-D.

We're talking about...

-A lot of people
like "Piranha 3D."

-That's the way.
-But not "3DD."

-Alright. You love that one too?
-"3DD"...

-What about "3DD"?
Do you like that?

-Nope.
-Has a couple of good points,

if you know what I mean.
-"A couple of good points."

Great.
-If you know what I mean.

and I think you do.
-Alright.

-Here's an intriguing factoid.

Barbara Steele,
who played Dr. Mengers

in the movie...
-Yeah!

-...um, and was extremely famous
in the exploitation world

because of "Black Sunday,"
"Caged Heat,"

all those great horror roles
in the '60s and '70s.

Barbara was the official
still photographer on "Piranha."

-Nice! I love her.

-Intriguing factoid
numero two-oh.

The casting director
for the film was Susan Arnold,

daughter of Jack Arnold

of "Creature from
the Black Lagoon" fame,

and Jack showed up
to give advice.

And, of course,
Joe Dante welcomed the advice,

since Joe is a film historian

and a fan
of all genre filmmakers.

Alright, intriguing factoid
numero three-oh.

At the wrap party,

Jamie Anderson,
the director of photography,

drove his rental car
into the swimming pool

at the Holiday Inn.

So, I guess working
with special effects

and water and dogs

and crazed method actors
and children

in just 20 days made for
a high-pressure shoot,

so he was relieving
that high pressure.

And speaking of high pressure,
Darcy...

-Yes?
-It's time for a letter.

-Oh!
-Give me a letter.

Give me some mailbag.

Give me some mailbag that kills.

I get depressed that so much
of our mail is so similar.

-What do you mean,
it's similar? Here.

-Well, it's either,
"You're great," you know,

or, "Play this movie."

You know, I want some
hardcore intellectual debate.

Intellectual?

Do you know what show
we're doing?

-Okay.
-Just sayin'.

-Hardcore debate.
-Hardcore debate I'll take.

You will like
the hardcore debate

that is in this letter.

It's from Katie Moore
of Marysville, Pennsylvania.

-Okay.
Where did this come in?

-Um, actually, she -- she put it
in my mailbox at a con.

-Oh, she actually
delivered the mail herself?

-Yes!
-And she was eight years old.

-She says so. I assume
she's telling the truth.

-Oh, dear Darcy.
-Yes.

-This is your hardcore debate.

-I mean, it's the best
I could find last minute,
what do you want?

-"Dear Darcy, I like
when you dress up like animals."

-Yay! Good debate.

-"The turtle costume was
my favorite.

What pets do you have?
And does Joe Bob have pets too?"

-I don't know.
It sounded like debate.

-"Did Joe Bob really eat
turtle soup?

Thank you.
Katie Moore, age eight,

Marysville, Pennsylvania."
-A debate...

whether you ate turtle soup.
-Another eight-year-old.

This is
the second eight-year-old.

What's the debate?

-The best animal costume,
obviously.

I don't know.
-Okay. Exactly.

Okay, so, um...

I guess you've done
animal costumes.

I guess you did alligator
for the movie "Alligator."

-And "'Gator Bait."
I did two alligators.

-Okay.
And bear for "Grizzly."

-Yes.
-And pig for "Slaughterhouse."

-Oh, man.
"Slaughterhouse" is rough, man.

What else?

-Oh, the turtle
for "Cannibal Holocaust."

That's -- that's my favorite,

'cause we actually raised some
money for turtles that night.

-To save turtles.
-Mm-hmm.

-Katie is eight and she's
watching "Cannibal Holocaust"?

-I assume she just saw
our segments,

but I'm not judging.

-I'm calling

Pennsylvania Child
Protective Services on that.

You had two wolves,
for Werewolf Night

and "WolfCop."

WolfCop! It counts.

Rabbit.
-What was rabbit for?

-"Rottentail."

-"Rottentail"! Okay.
-Obviously.

-You didn't do piranha, though.

Too tough to do piranha?

-If I'm being completely real,
I didn't have time,

or I might have planned
something.

But I have something in store
for the next movie

that she's gonna love.
-Alright.

Well, we have another
eco-horror "Jaws" rip-off

coming up right now.

-And I do have
that one covered.

-But to answer your question,
Katie, I have a Persian cat.

-Aww.
-And Darcy...

-Um, right now I have two dogs
and three kitty cats.

-What kind of dogs?
-One's like a Chihuahua mix,

and the other one's a pitbull.

But the kitties run
all over the pitbull.

That's funny. Okay.

-They boss her around.

-Darcy, why are our fans
getting younger and younger?

-I feel like they identify
with your sense of humor.

-Oh, right...
-Just sayin', pith hat.

-Give me some adult mail,
please.

And I do believe
that's it for me.

-You're so picky.

-We do have a second feature,
but for now,

Joe Bob Briggs
and Darcy the Mail Girl

are reminding you

that if you hang a dead snake
on a fence,

it won't stop raining.

And the drive-in will never die.

-What?
-Is that true?

-I don't know,
my grandma used to say that.

Okay.

-Alright, a priest and a nun are
taking turns riding on a donkey

on their way to a new parish

that's way out
in the middle of the desert.

And it's very hot,
and the sun is blazing

and the donkey is struggling.

And suddenly
the donkey brays and collapses

and kicks a couple of times
and dies.

So the nun and the priest
sit down,

and they know that without that
donkey, they're both doomed.

So after a while,
the priest says, "Sister,

I've been a priest since
I entered the seminary as a boy,

and I have never seen
a woman naked.

Since we're gonna die,
may I look upon you?"

And so the nun thinks
for a minute and says,

"Well, I guess seeing
as we're gonna die,

I can't see any harm."

So she undresses
and stands before the priest,

and he stares at her body
and immediately becomes aroused.

And then the nun says, "Father,

I too have led a religious life

and would like to look
upon a naked man before I die."

And the priest says,
"Okay, how could it be wrong?"

Priest removes his cassock
and he stands before the nun,

and the nun is shocked
and she says,

"What is that standing
between your legs?"

And the priest says,
"It's the rod of life.

If I were to stick this into
a woman, it would create life."

And nun thinks for a minute
and says,

"Why not stick it
into that donkey

and we can get out of here?"

Katie, you're welcome!

-I hope the eight-year-olds
are watching.