Original subtitles

Police were alerted after residents noticed a semi -naked man acting

suspiciously in nearby bushes.

Appearing in court yesterday, 26 -year -old Benjamin Burkitt.

Right, that's it. I'm changing my fucking name.

When did this happen?

It's not me. It's the name. It's plagued me for years.

Every flasher...

rapist and serial wanker out there. It's for some reason called Ben Burkett.

So you're going to change your name, then? First thing tomorrow morning. To

what? Anything.

Paul Johnson, Dwayne Smith, anything but Ben Burkett.

You have to fill out a lot of forms.

Passports, bank accounts, it takes years.

And even then, you still get the odd piece of post addressed to your former

identity, which really pisses you off. What do you know about it?

After my mum remarried, I took my stepfather's name to pick my dad up.

What was your real dad called?

Jim. How many surname?

Eichmann.

Eichmann? E -I -C -H -A -M -M -A -N -N. Eichmann. Eichmann as in head of the

Gestapo, Eichmann.

Found guilty and executed for numerous war crimes, Eichmann.

I'm not related to the actual Eichmann.

Or I don't think I am. Hang on, why haven't we noticed this before?

Blonde hair.

Blue eyes.

Pale skin.

Fuck me. You're a Nazi.

To be normal.

And I forgot.

How?

How big?

Toby Hillier. What have I done? For a new name.

Tupos. Why don't you keep Ben, but lose Barclay? At least that way, we can still

call you, well, Ben.

Like that, if you're going to do something, you should commit to it 100%.

Trouble Lip.

That's a name.

Too Chinese.

Whatever you choose, you should void the letter R, because you've a speech

impediment. I don't have a speech impediment, do I?

I suppose you're wondering why I'm so tired.

No. No. No.

Ping and I have finally consummated our relationship.

Last night we made sweet love for the first time, and then this morning we did

it for the second and third time, kitchen floor over the banister.

Good morning, everyone.

I'm sure most of you are already aware that the car park is being dug up and re

-tarmacked this week. I'm assured by the workmen that this won't cause too much

disruption, but if it does, I won't...

And you can quote me on that.

One other piece of information. This week is our official race awareness

Tomorrow we'll be holding a themed assembly, and all this week I'm informed

the canteen staff will be doing what they can to offer a culturally diverse

menu. Involve your tutor groups, please.

Liz will, of course, be coordinating events.

Why, of course?

Well, because you're... the secretary.

Thank you, everyone. Mr Waller, could I see you for a moment, please?

I'm concerned that the canteen staff might be overstretching themselves with

their menu this week.

Could you offer them some guidance for me, please?

What? Like how to chop up a mango?

Precisely.

I hate race awareness week.

It's the worst awareness week out of all the fucking awareness weeks.

I quite like it myself.

Always reminds me of my dead granny.

She was racist.

Everybody's grandparents are racist.

It's all people who can't help themselves.

Look at Bob.

Bob can't be a racist. He's engaged to Ping.

Do we need to remind you how they met?

He bought her.

In order to sleep with her. While she ironed his shirt.

That doesn't make him a racist.

Does it?

Boy, do those Orientals know how to show you good time.

It's like the word no doesn't exist in their vocabulary.

Good stamina, too. Goes all through the night and never breaks a sweat.

Says it must be all the rice she eats soaks up the moisture.

Yeah, I'd recommend an oriental woman to anyone.

Every year it's the fucking thing. You can't say this, you can't say that.

your clack up in a yashma.

And they always set up some stupid objective.

Don't forget your objective sheet.

Oh, here we go.

Another brilliant idea from our leader. To be started at 9am today, completely

returned by 4 .30.

Have you had a conversation with someone from a different ethnic group than your

own? So who went and what was the topic of your discussion?

What does that mean, Liz?

Do you find the clues in the question?

Yes. I spoke to Liz at 9 .01 this morning about ethnic diversity.

Liz, can I ask you a question?

Before I take the register, there's something I'm supposed to ask you.

Oh, here it is.

Does anyone here come from an ethnic, non -European background, be it black,

Asian, or mixed race?

Okay.

Well done to all of you.

Now let's move on.

Okay then, I thought we'd start off by having a little chat about people's

ancestral backgrounds.

Anybody want to get the ball rolling?

Anybody?

No?

You're not ethnic, Genghis.

You're special.

My parents were Mongolian.

You're terrible.

I've been sitting him at the back of the class with a pack of crayons for the

last two months.

Because you thought he was special?

He told me he was mongrel.

Easy mistake to make. He does have a big face.

How about Jeremy Khan?

For what?

For me.

I'll buy you a drink. I'll buy you two.

All drinks all week. All drinks all week.

Two drinks and you can borrow my coat for the day.

Three drinks.

Deal on the coat.

So what do you want to talk about?

Fuck. What's going on?

Penny can't complete her form until Damien speaks to her.

There's plenty of other black people around, but I don't want to be too

Why should I have to when I've got a perfectly good black person stood right

front of me?

Because he won't talk to you. He doesn't like you.

I'll remember this next time you need to talk to a white person.

She is so lady.

Take a breath.

Thank you.

No. Thank you.

Completed your objective form yet? I talked to that Japanese boy whose

were on the takeaway.

Yoshimitsu or whatever his name is. What did you talk about?

No idea. I couldn't understand a word he was saying.

What have you put on your phone then?

Karate. What's the color for?

Like this. We hate all foreign food. I can't help it if I have a sense of

digesting. You might have an ulcer.

Or stomach cancer, which is probably more likely.

German stomach, that's a problem.

It's always been their weakness. What do you mean?

That's why they kept losing wars.

They insist on boiling everything for hours.

It slows them down.

I am not German. No, but you descend from the Eichmann family.

Maybe you have a Nazi stomach.

Don't be ridiculous.

Sniff that.

Nazi nose.

Let's get this straight.

You descended from Nazi blood. You don't like foreign cuisine.

And you think Bob buying a Thai woman is perfectly acceptable. Well, obviously

I'm a racist then.

I was being fantastic.

When did you start smoking?

Oh, I like to have one after sex.

It's lunchtime. You're in a school. Who did you just have sex with? No, I meant

last night's sex.

And this morning's. Men of your age drop dead during sex all the time.

Especially if they're not used to it.

Yeah, you want to be careful.

If you died on top of pink, she'd never get out.

Unless you gave her a whistle.

That way she could at least call for help.

If you were walking past someone's house and you heard a whistle, would you go

in and investigate?

Good point.

What if it was a rape law?

More appropriate, at least.

I wouldn't go to help if I heard a rape alarm.

You've got to help if you hear a rape alarm.

I don't even know what a rape alarm sounds like.

Isn't it like a fire alarm?

I definitely wouldn't go and help if I heard a fire alarm. So if Bob's house

were on fire, you'd leave Pink to burn to death?

She's trapped under Bob. It's already too late for her.

Should we do something?

We could shut the door.

Yeah, that's better.

You said you wanted to see me.

Yeah, come in.

This is a bit awkward.

You're not going to ask me that again, are you? I never asked you.

I've had a complaint about you.

From who?

The word definition test. You set your year nine.

Adam Grint and Kayla Webb turned in identical answers, but somehow you

to give them different grades.

Oh, I see what this is about.

It's Race Awareness Week. I make one tiny marking error and suddenly I'm a

racist. Actually, you gave Kayla a higher grade than Grint.

Well, then that means that I'm not a racist.

You're going to have to regrade both tests because now Grint thinks you've

it in for him. That's ridiculous.

Is it? Of course it is. If I've got it in for anybody, it's Kayla.

And why did you have it in for Kayla? Because she's an obnoxious little pal.

Happens to be black.

Oh, sorry.

Penny, you're in pink. Go and get another seat.

Fuck you.

Her English is really coming along well. I'm not moving. I was here first.

Actually, Ping was here before you.

But I started coming to the pub before she did. It's not my fault if there's

enough places to sit.

Yeah, but come over here, take all our seats.

Come and sit on Daddy's lap.

Ooh, light as a feather.

I managed to ride off the bed last night.

You see that? See? She can't wait for it, can she?

Daddy's coming!

Fucking hate that.

Yeah, me too.

What? You bring someone new to the pub and they don't even get around him.

Yeah, how selfish.

Not buying any drinks and don't even speak the language.

I suppose, once you've asked her to the goods, it's too late to send them back

to the manufacturers.

Who would the manufacturers be, anyway?

Her parents.

Imagine if they meet him at the wedding.

This is your son -in -law, a big, red -wigged -up monster in a crumpled suit.

Yeah, like they'd care.

I mean, it's a different culture out there. She's probably the eighth child,

her parents only had her so that one day they could sell her.

Shall we add that to the list?

Defended from Nazis, hates foreign food, all Thai women are reared for

prostitution. Why does everyone keep insinuating that I'm a racist?

Let's see now.

I don't have a problem with ethnic people.

Some of my best friends happen to be black.

Oh, cool.

Damien? Fuck off, I'm not your friend.

Can we drink together?

Only because you follow all of us to the pub.

Well, OK, I don't have any black friends, but I could get one if I

No, you couldn't. Could? Couldn't. I fucking could.

And I'll prove it.

I'm going to make a black friend.

A real black friend.

Oh, no.

Why wouldn't a black person want me as a friend?

Why would they?

I have a lot to offer in interracial friendship.

Such as?

I have good friends.

I can keep secrets.

What sort of secrets?

I don't know. Any secret a black friend would want to share with me.

Give me an example.

Anything. Like if they had a drug problem or if they murdered someone.

Or maybe if one of their gold teeth fall out.

I'm just making the point that I can be a good, loyal friend, so black people

should jump at the chance to get to know me.

Help!

Help me!

Do you realise that out of all the ethnic groups, this school only employs

types?

Black and Chinese.

And whatever he is.

I think he maybe makes something.

He's all that.

I don't want a mixed race, friend. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it

properly. You know why ethnic minorities don't like to enter the teaching

profession, don't you?

Laziness.

Are you calling me lazy?

No, I'm saying black people find it hard to adapt to the laziness.

Finish at four, three months holiday.

You don't have that sort of work ethic.

For us lot, it's natural.

I'm as lazy as any one of you fuckers.

He is.

Okay, I admit, you're an exception.

Thank you.

Good morning, Liz.

How are you today?

Fuck off.

Okay, let's be realistic about this. Liz is always going to hate me.

It's going to have to be... Dr Chong.

Gator? What about him?

Penny's going to make friends with him. Good luck. He's a miserable fucker.

On a purely technical level, couldn't we be finding a Chinese man on the sole

basis that his Chinese be construed as racist in itself?

I think we're already beyond that stage.

When was the last time you called Mr Chong Kato?

Through his face? Never.

I warned you. Miserable fucker.

What did you just say to upset Paul?

Paul?

Paul Chong, head of man.

Well, what sort of stupid fucking name is that for a Chinese man?

Brandon, how are you? Fine.

Going anywhere nice?

What game?

I bet you're a fast runner.

No, I'm crap.

But you must be good at other sports, aren't you? What about basketball?

You must be good at basketball.

What are you doing? I'm just having a friendly conversation with a pupil.

Who happens to be black? Is he?

Oh, yes, so he is.

What do you think King's like in bed?

Was that the bell? I didn't hear a bell.

It was 25 minutes.

I mean, they say Thai women are supposed to be, you know...

Nice Tuesday.

More obliging. I just remembered I'm supposed to be somewhere else. Where?

I have to be there right now, so I don't actually have time to explain where it

is that I have to be.

Sorry.

You must be new. I haven't seen you working here before.

My name's Penny, and I love your hairnet.

My name's Penny.

I love your hairnet. Leave me alone.

Can I give you a little piece of advice?

I don't need your advice.

I can make black friends, but not with black dinner ladies.

The advice is this.

She's dark -skinned.

Because she's tanned. Because she's been on holiday.

Because she wanted to get a tan. Because she's naturally fair -skinned. Because

she isn't black.

She just got back from two weeks in the Crossbell Hall.

Do you think Austrian women yodel when they reach orgasm?

Probably.

What about Thai women, Bob?

What about them? What noises do they make in bed?

Well, I can't speak for all Thai women, but Ping's pretty, you know, vocal.

In what way?

Lots of grunting, groaning.

Bobbing. Can we talk about something else?

Just grunting and groaning?

Well, no, it's hard to describe.

Give us an example.

Well, it's like, er... It

doesn't sound like she's enjoying herself much.

It gets much louder.

Can I nominate as normal? It's the lowest point ever.

Oh, erm... I've just got to run to the gents. Could someone get me a drink,

please?

You're round, Ping.

He doesn't understand you.

You buy drinks from bar.

Daddy.

Daddy having a piss. You're round.

I'll come, little Ping. Come along.

You and I haven't had a proper chat yet, have we?

Where, Bob?

You know, there's no reason why we can't become friends.

Maybe not best friends, but certainly good friends.

Can you say friends?

When?

Friends.

Yeah, let me help you. It's all in the lips.

Friends.

Friends.

Friends.

Friends. Friends.

Friends. Friends. Friends. Friends. Friends. Friends.

Friends. Friends. Friends. Friends.

Damien, try to stop her.

Listen to this, everyone.

Go on, Ping. Tell everyone what you just said about me.

Ha!

No, the other thing. Say the other thing.

Pen!

What did she say?

Listen, she'll do it again.

I'm your pen.

No, still didn't catch that.

Listen carefully.

Pen!

I think you're hurting her.

Oh, for God's sake, Ping, you were doing a lot better at the bar.

But you go out of your way to help these people and this is the gratitude you

get. Fuck you. Oh, fuck you too.

I think you've upset her.

So? So maybe you should apologise.

For what? I was trying to teach her a new word. But can she be bothered to

the effort? Fucking whore.

There you go.

There's a new word.

I didn't want you...

At least I made an effort to speak to her, which is more than anyone else has

done. Look, if it means that much to you to have an ethnic friend... Yes?

I'll keep my eyes open for you.

Don't fucking bother. I don't need a black friend to prove I'm not a racist.

So how will you prove you're not racist?

How will you prove that I am? With three words.

Plate -faced bitch.

How am I supposed to prove that I'm not something? It's like asking me to prove

that I'm not attracted to, I don't know, men who work in fairgrounds. Are you

attracted to men who work on fairgrounds? No.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Well, how do you feel about earrings on men?

Look, forget about the fairground people.

You've put them into the conversation, mate.

Look, it's not about who you know or how many ethnic friends you have. It's

about how you behave around people, whether they be black, white, yellow,

red. Who's red?

Red Indians.

You mean Native Americans.

Whatever.

You're too fat to be that low I would rip it

up and I saw you go I would rip it up and I saw you

go You're too high to be that low

Oh, why don't I feel as though today?

You're hungover.

I don't wish it.

You just threw up in the car.

Oh, yeah.

Here, take this.

Why have you given this to me?

Because it's what mates do.

They give each other things.

I must have had a blackout. All I remember from last night are the words

face and bitch.

It's not healthy to spend so much time on your own, Grint.

I'm used to it.

Why don't you go over and talk to those girls?

They don't like me.

Just because people are different from us, there's no reason to avoid them.

Come on.

Lady, this is Adam Grint, and he would like to have a conversation with you.

Did you know...

If you fell into a black hole, then you could theoretically come out before

having fallen in.

So, if you saw your future self about to fall into the vortex, then you could

grab hold of you and stop it from happening.

We'll give you a five -second head start.

One.

Two. Three. Four.

Well done.

You should be raised relations officer.

Ni hao.

Morning,

Bob. Six times, new personal best.

What?

Lovemaking. Oh, Steve, forget I asked.

Remember, we got through the front door, we were doing it, going all night on

the hall floor like demented animals.

Eventually we had to stop because we were both feeling too raw.

OK, my coat and my locker, I no longer have a reason to be standing here.

Thank you, everybody. This will only take a minute of your time.

Unfortunately, we're having to cancel today's assembly on racial equality as

guest speaker is calling sick.

Nothing too serious, I hope.

I suppose it could be malaria.

Or some form of deadly tropical flu.

Anyway, you can all inform your tutor groups that we'll be rebooking

Agamemnon.

Agamemnon.

Patagotter. Panagotter.

Panagotter.

He's not fucking coming anyway.

If indeed it is a he. I've no idea, that's all.

Oh.

Where's everyone else?

Hiding from you.

Why aren't you talking?

You're not talking either.

Yeah, but I haven't got anything to say.

And you always talk, whether you've got anything to say or not.

You don't think I'm just standing here with you just because you're... Well,

know.

What? A person of colour.

You mean black?

What's black?

Not me.

Partly I'm a person of colour.

When did that happen?

You better ask Penny.

I'm just using the correct term.

What does that make us? People of no colour? No, we're Caucasians.

What about someone who's half Caucasian and half person of colour? What's the

correct term for them?

Mixed race.

What about someone from India?

They're Asian.

OK, what about someone who's half Indian, half Chinese?

Mixed race, obviously.

But China and India are both in Asia.

So does that make them half Asian and half Asian?

Yes. So when you go for an Asian meal, do you call it an Asian meal or an

Indian? An Indian.

But you could be getting Chinese food. This is very confusing.

Yeah, my point exactly.

When was that your point?

It's always been my point.

Excuse me, I've got a class to play.

Oh, a splinter.

Must be from last night.

Flat out on my back on the kitchen table.

Ping. Riding me like a fairground attraction.

Not that I want to get into it, but was this before or after the hallway floor?

Oh, before.

And then after.

And then on the sofa and halfway up the stairs, yeah.

Five times in total.

No, six.

What? Ellie said it was six.

The personal best shag -a -thon.

Right, six.

Yeah, I passed out for the last orgasm.

Slightly technical question. If you're unconscious, how do you know whether or

not you've had an orgasm?

Stickiness. You and Ping are having sex, aren't you?

Yeah, all the time.

Yeah,

she loves it too.

Keeps telling me how I'm the best one she's ever had and how commanding I am

between the sheets and how she just wants to keep going on until we die of

exhaustion in each other's arms. All this from a woman with a five -word

vocabulary.

What are you insinuating?

You're not getting any sex, are you?

No. Thought not.

Look at me.

Fucking Bob fucks up again.

Fucking Bob can't even have sex with a woman he's fucking bought.

Bob.

What a fucking loser.

Well, let's see what everyone says about me now, shall we? It doesn't matter

what everyone says.

Although they'll probably go with the what a fucking loser angle.

What's so wrong with me? I'm not one of these men who just dive in without

any... Warm up. I mean, I'm perfectly prepared to stroke her flower for hours.

As long as I know that there's some lovemaking on the horizon.

Let me touch that.

It's getting so big, isn't it?

Maybe you'll do that.

So unusual looking.

I mean, mixed -race babies are always so striking.

Oh, Chinky.

You mean half Chinese or mixed -race?

Said half Chinky.

Yeah, I heard what you said, and I'm saying to you that Chinky is a very

derogatory term, and you, as the parent of a mixed -race child, should know

better.

She said half his chin keeps bleeding.

He's got a cold sore.

Right, of course you did.

She could just be waiting.

For what?

Me to die?

I mean until after the wedding.

I didn't think women did that anymore.

Pinkham are totally different cultures, aren't they?

Maybe in Thailand they still do.

What do you think, sir?

What, you think she could be saving herself?

No one's ever saved themselves for me before.

Well, Pink could be the first.

Well, if that's the case, she's probably a virgin.

I mean, a real, live virgin.

By the time we walk down the aisle, she'll be gagging for it.

She'll let me do anything.

That's the spirit, Bob.

Can we keep this, you know, between ourselves?

I mean, I'd hate to embarrass her or make her feel stupid.

Or let everyone know you've been lying about getting sex again.

Yeah, but mostly it's the thing about not embarrassing pings.

Whatever you say, Bob.

Do you know what that is?

Sushi, a traditional Japanese dish.

You don't eat fish.

I don't see any harm in experiencing other cultural cuisine.

It's raw.

There is a cue.

Yes, but I choose to ignore it.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Can't we just have some good old -fashioned food again?

What the fuck is a schnitzel?

Well, I'm sure there's something for you here.

Why don't you have some rice and peas?

Why would I want rice and peas?

You wouldn't.

Of course you wouldn't.

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting.

Suggesting what?

Nothing.

Maybe I will have some rice and peas.

She doesn't really want rice and peas. How about some fried chicken?

And a yam. Now you're being stupid.

Can I have some rice and peas? Yes, he can have rice and peas. Why can he have

rice and peas and I can't?

Because you want chips.

Good old -fashioned chips. Everyone eats chips. They're universal. I eat them.

You eat them.

Culturally non -specific chips.

Get out of my fucking way.

She took the rice and peas. You all saw her.

I offered her chips when she went for rice and peas. It was her decision.

Excellent.

Rice and peas.

You know

what

your problem is? You're too white.

I'm no whiter than any of you.

Except you.

But I've always thought of you as white anyway.

Why would you think of me as white?

I don't know.

You're just like one of us.

OK. Now, I'm calling you racist.

Even if she is racist, it's not her fault. Thank you, Ben.

Why isn't it my fault?

Because you're blonde.

And that's an excuse, is it? I've got brown hair because my great -great

-grandmother was raped by a Portuguese tailor.

Blonde people, on the other hand, are all inbred. I'm not inbred.

Oh, come on. The only way you can keep that hair colour is to reproduce with a

small circle of people.

Sooner or later, you're bound to wake up next to your brother or sister, and

everyone knows inbred people are racist.

So people just assume I'm racist.

That's not fair.

Nothing ever is.

It's like black men having bigger cocks than white men. It's just a fact of

life. Actually, that's a myth.

Is it? No, it's true.

How much bigger? I mean, percentage -wise.

Because 5 % I can deal with it, but closer to 20 %... Are you saying people

prejudiced against me because I'm Aryan?

No, that's what you're saying.

Actually, I did say that this time.

Oh, sorry. I just always assume she misses the point.

That means I'm a minority.

And because I'm a minority, I'm being discriminated against.

I'm a victim of racial prejudice.

Didn't they?

Why would you think that?

People have always had it in for ethnic minorities.

Just for the record, you know, the ethnic minority.

He's albino.

So? So he's got freaky red eyes.

Who else is in this minority of yours?

There's no one that looks to mine.

You can't be the only one.

You've got to have a leader or a spokesperson.

All right, if you insist.

Princess Diana.

Fuck off.

She was beautiful, humanitarian, victimised and blonde.

And she's a bleacher, yeah. You can't say that.

Why can't I?

It's treason.

Why are you staring at Damien's cock?

A lot.

I was looking at the fabric on the chair.

You mean the fabric on the chair underneath Damien's cock?

All right, I admit it. But I've never seen a black one before. I was curious

see if what they say is true.

Of course it is.

How do you know?

Because I've got one.

An enormous one.

That doesn't prove all black men are well hung.

How many have you seen?

That's not important.

Yes, it is. You must have seen other black cocks.

Why must I have?

Because you're black.

That doesn't automatically mean I look at other black cocks.

What about your dad's, then? I've seen my dad's cock loads of times.

Perfect. So, with the exception of Damien's being his own, none of us have

seen a black cock.

Everybody else considers themselves a minority.

Why can't I?

Just because I'm not black or Asian or disabled or dyslexic, it doesn't mean

that I don't have sensibility.

What about Bob?

What about him? He's one of your lot, isn't he? No, he fucking isn't. He's

-skinned. What's left of his hair is blondish.

He has a pink face.

Well, it's because of his blood pressure.

And anyway, all blondes have got pink faces.

You get sunburned in three seconds. I don't dare even try it.

Sorry, you can't fall from your minority just because you've got a pink face.

Why can't I?

It's ethnic cleansing.

It's my minority.

I get to choose who's in it. Those are the rules.

You know there's only one way to settle this, don't you? I'm not showing it to

you. But I thought we were mates. If we were mates, you'd show it to me. That's

what mates do. They show each other their tops.

No, they don't.

Well, I'd show you mine.

I mean, if it was really big, I'd be happy to show it to anybody.

I probably have it out all the time. You're not seeing it, and that's the end

the conversation.

Mr Waller seems to think that he's got something larger

than Mr Doherty and I have.

Has he?

It might be true, or it might not be.

Not that it would bother me if it were true, because I'm very happy with the

size of this thing that I've got.

But it'd be nice to know one way or the other.

Why don't you, Mr Waller, and Ms Diderotty all show these things to each

and then you can see for yourselves who's got the biggest.

I don't think I'd be comfortable doing that.

Is that all you've done?

Three lines.

My hand hurts.

Kayla, this really isn't good enough.

Yeah, but think about it.

The less I write, the less you have to mark.

I thought that would make you happy.

Are you saying that I'm lazy?

I didn't say anything.

But that's what you're insinuating.

Is it?

You think because I've got blonde hair and blue eyes that I must be lazy.

You probably think I'm naturally stupid as well.

I think I should talk to your mother about this. Good luck.

But you are lazy.

In fact, I go far saying you're the laziest person I've ever come across.

Well, it's hardly a surprise Kayla's turned out the way she has, growing up

someone like you as a role model.

Don't you think you're being just a little oversensitive?

My people have had to take this kind of abuse for years.

Lazy, stupid, shallow.

Well, I intend to put a stop to these racial slurs. And who exactly are your

people?

Aryans.

You mean people with blonde hair?

I find the connotations associated with that word have rendered it offensive.

And I would rather you stopped using that word in my company.

What? Blonde?

I refuse to stand here and be insulted.

Liz has always hated me. Now I know why. She's prejudiced.

Liz hates everyone.

I've got a good mind to report her to Claire.

Good idea.

Claire's blonde, so she'll probably take your side.

No, Claire's not one of my people.

And I'm not a groundsy, discounting twag.

It's not her natural hair colour.

So let's just be clear on this.

In order to be part of your little club, you're not allowed red eyes, pink

cheeks or dyed hair.

In fact, you don't seem to qualify at all unless you're you.

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

You're right, I don't.

Because this minority you've created doesn't... counter the minority.

Why doesn't it? Because it's a minority of one.

And if that's the case, people aren't abusing your race, they're abusing you.

As long as we're doing that, it's fine by me.

Why don't you take a photo and show us that?

I'm not developing a film with pictures of my cock on. You could. We'll round it

on a piece of paper. I mean, we don't need the details.

Why don't you fucking start?

You have to show me. Why do I?

Because otherwise, every time I see you sit down for breakfast in those blue

pyjama bottoms, I won't be able to help myself.

I'm going to be looking at that little flap that pops open just to see if it's

true. You've clearly been looking already or you wouldn't know there was a

that opens.

I mean, it's all right for you. The myth works in your favour. You're not the

one being made to look inadequate.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Come on in, no doubt. Your lesson, your rules.

Buck up and have a fag if you like.

It's all cool with me.

Bob's in with the poison we could lead.

He's convinced himself the only reason Ping hasn't had sex with him yet is

because she's waiting till after the wedding.

I thought they already were having sex.

Oh, no, he made all that stuff up so he wouldn't look like a sad old totter.

Oh, hang on.

There's something I must be telling you.

Oh, yeah.

All of that.

She's never going to sleep with a missy.

Not in a million years.

Hi. Lindley just told me about you and King. Oh, for fuck's sake. It's nothing,

frankly. No, I think it's great, you know.

Old -fashioned values and all that.

But... What?

Well, are you really sure this is what you want? I mean, you're a man, huh? You

have needs.

The love of my life is waiting till our wedding night before she surrenders

herself to me fully. I intend to respect her wishes.

Are you sure that's what you want? I wouldn't expect someone like you to

understand romance and tradition.

After I marry Ping, I'll be getting something that most men can only dream

What's that?

A virgin.

Really? Did Ping actually tell you that she's a virgin?

Well, not in so many words, no, but I imagine that she wants to surprise me

it on the big night.

Wow, that really would be a surprise.

So now are you jealous?

Well, of course.

I mean, how couldn't I be?

Although they do say a woman with no experience is as bad as a woman with too

much experience. Who says that?

People.

Lots of people.

You know, a couple of days ago I was starting to have a few doubts about this

wedding. Am I doing the right thing?

Does she really love me? These are good questions to ask yourself.

And now I know I am doing the right thing.

A good marriage is not just about sex.

Isn't it? No.

It's about honesty, it's about support and trust.

Respect and getting your hands on something no other men have touched

I'm sorry, we don't allow ethnic minorities at this table.

I'm pleased to know I've distanced myself from my Aryan root.

So you're no longer in a minority?

Let's just say I've been contacted by fellow members of the Aryan race and I

want nothing to do with them.

Link?

Point taken.

We should go and talk to him.

Why? So you can find out how big his cock is.

That's a really good idea.

He's more likely to show it to you than us. He doesn't even have to show it. You

go over to him, you have a conversation about being black, and then you just...

Can I beg it?

Okay, I'll do it.

Will you? Of course I fucking won't. We need to find out somehow.

There is an easier way.

After we do this, we never talk about it.

Agreed.

Never talk about what?

That's the idea.

No, seriously, I don't know what's going on.

Come on, let's settle this.

Hold it.

Room for a small one.

What's up with you lot?

We don't want to talk about it. Ever.

Right then.

My round, is it?

Large one, is it, love?

I think I need a black name.

Why? When I ring people up and leave my name, I want them to think he's black.

You know, just to create a bit of intrigue.

What do you think about Steve Mandela?

Great idea.

Change name.

What did she say?

I think she wants to change her name.

Never.

I don't even know what your surname is, Carol.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard you mention it.

Gruber.

Gruber?

Schickl.

Schickl Gruber.

Where have I heard that before?

It was Hitler's father's name.

Thank you.

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