All language subtitles for Rude Awakening s03e18 Blessings and Dead Guys

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now it's just path to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to
stay.

I've got to relearn the basics.

That I never learned anyway. When will I
find someone who understands?

When will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be this way.

Sure, cigarettes and cookie dough are
the answer.

You're right. I'll get the Twinkies. I
shouldn't be eating any of this. It's

for the baby.

And you know, I'm half bulimic.

Half? I binge. I just don't purge.

You know, I'm just like this Twinkie.

A guilty pleasure that people only want
to sneak on the side.

You're so alone.

You're not alone.

Well, I mean, you're alone in the sense
that we're all alone, but you're not

alone in the sense that I'm here.

Very reassuring.

Billy, you can't let men define who you
are and how you feel about yourself.

Who's going to do it? You are.

Look, Marcus dumping you in front of
everybody might turn out to be the best

thing that ever happened to you. Look,
if that is the best thing, I'm going to

take a nice hot bath with a toaster.
What happened could be a blessing in

disguise. You know what? That is the
stupidest saying. I mean, why does a

blessing have to wear a disguise? Is it
so cowardly that it has to hide behind a

fucking mask?

Maybe it's a little bit afraid of you.

I know I am.

I'm sorry. I'm just upset right now.
Really, don't you see?

Now is the time to explore all your
options.

Options? Well, I mentioned the bathtub.
I could also leap off the balcony, split

my wrist. Stop! What I'm saying is that
now is the perfect time for you to

really get to know yourself.

Oh, I know me. And frankly, I'm not
impressed.

Plus, I've heard everything I have to
say.

In fact...

I think what I need right now is to
listen to somebody else.

Preferably somebody handsome who will
tell me how wonderful I am. What are you

doing? I'm going to get a date.

Oh, no, honey.

It's way too soon for you to start
dating. You and Marcus just broke up 72

ago. Yeah, well, I can't live in the
past. You have to take time to be with

pain. I am always with my pain, Haley. I
mean, can't my pain be on its own for a

while? Give me the fucking phone. No guy
is worth more than your emotional well

-being.

Even... Jake Newman?

Movie star?

Oh, I'll die.

Don't let the room full of hungry
customers disturb you. I'm taking a

break. You do that after the baby's
born.

I know.

Hello, gorgeous party of one.

Hey, I had a great idea this morning
when I woke up. Then after I did it, I

another good idea.

Let's go to Tahoe this week.

Huh?

Dave, I can't.

Oh. I've got some really bad news.

My visa's about to expire.

You're using American Express.

No, my travel visa.

I applied for a permanent one and it was
turned down and I have to go back to

Australia in two days.

What do you mean, for good?

For at least a year until I can reapply.
Oh, my God.

You could come to Australia.

Such a pretty country.

Oh, I can't go to Australia. I mean,
I've got a business to run here.

What are you going to do?

They have an international plan for
phone sex.

I wouldn't work because then I'd be
coming a full day ahead of you.

Dave, I don't want to leave you. No, no,
there's got to be something.

You can work here. A work visa.

You could be a busboy. Dave, I fly jumbo
jets. I flew in the Gulf War. I'll

train you.

We're not.

Okay.

But... I don't know. I can't think of
anything. I mean, unless I adopted you

married you.

Dave, that's a really good idea.

The adoption?

No, no, no. The marriage. I mean, it
makes perfect sense. I mean, we're in

aren't we?

Of course we are.

Then it would be kind of like destiny,
don't you think?

If you think so.

Oh, my God, Dave.

I am so in love with you. I can hardly
breathe.

Oh, I'm having a little... I'm catching
my breath, too.

I'm going to tell my parents, okay?

I'm getting married.

How do you accidentally propose to
someone? I don't know. I don't know. I

one minute we're talking about phone
sex, the next minute she's picking out a

wedding cake. You want my advice?

Yes. Get chocolate.

Ha, ha, ha. Four.

Well, okay, then just tell her it was a
big mistake.

Oh, no. Tell her you have an evil twin
who's playing a prank on her.

That never works.

Well, sometimes life throws you a
curveball, or maybe in your case, a fast

to the head. But what I'm saying, man,
you've got to look at this thing from

angles. Okay, either I get married or I
break it off. Is there any other angle

that you can think of?

No, that's about it. Yeah, yeah. Right.

But, but, do you love her?

Yeah, I do. Well, what's the problem?

Have you met me? I mean, the only thing
I can commit to is a hairstyle.

And I'm thinking about getting that cut.

Dave, I hope you're not waiting for you
to change before you settle down.

Because tick -tock, baby, pickings are
going to be slim when you're 70.

If you want my opinion.

You don't. You can't marry an
Australian. They eat Vegemite for

listen to men at work.

Stingos eat their babies, Dave. Don't
you have tables?

Dave, Dave, Dave. At some point, you've
got to settle down with homo and quit

fucking all the women.

That's funny advice coming from you. You
spent your 10th wedding anniversary in

another woman?

All this from a glorified incubator for
two homos.

Oh, hey.

Women. What am I going to do?

I don't know, man.

Maybe this homo communication thing is a
blessing in disguise.

Well, how? Well, if it didn't happen,
you might have let the perfect girl get

away.

That's true.

Or maybe I'm just fucked.

Or that.

Hello?

Strange man in the apartment. Please
remove all clothing.

Dave, come here for a second.

Which one of these says, feel free to
grope me in public?

Oh, this one.

This one says you're going to have to
buy me dinner first.

Thanks.

You're not in a good mood.

Well, why shouldn't I be?

Oh, you mean Marcus.

Holy, I am so over him, I barely
remember what he looks like. Tall, good

-looking, crazy hair?

Doesn't ring a bell.

Probably because I'm preoccupied with
the new man in my life.

Who? Someone you may have heard of.

Someone I like to call Jake Newman,
movie star.

No, really, who?

Jake Newman, the movie star.

And don't look so surprised. I did that
film with him, and naturally he was

awestruck by my beauty and charm and
other things I have that escape me right

now.

Anyway, he asked me out then. I
resisted.

Foolishly, I might add. And of course he
was heartbroken. Of course.

And since we have heartbreak in common,
I figured, what the hell? Billions love

him. Why can't I?

Wow. Very fast. I mean, honestly, I
thought I'd come over here, I'd find you

surrounded by empty Kleenex boxes and
Twinkie wrappers.

How little you know me.

Jake Newman, huh?

Hey, I read somewhere that he slept with
Liv Tyler. Uh -huh. So if you sleep

with him and I've slept with you, then
technically I will have slept with Liv

Tyler. Not bad for a guy who may or may
not be engaged.

What?

Raquel's visa expired and I kind of
inadvertently proposed to her.

Dave. How do you inadvertently propose
to somebody? Did you stumble and fall on

one knee?

No, just stuck my foot in my mouth.

Probably the cleanest body part that's
been in there.

I don't know, just the idea of marrying
anybody is... Nauseating. It's like when

you get queasy from eating bad clams.

It's like you're me.

Well, I'm sure you can get out of it,
and you should.

She's probably just manipulating you so
she can stay in the country.

She's not like that. She's crazy about
me.

No.

You don't really think she's just using
me for a green card, do you?

You know, Dave, people have been used
for a lot less than that.

Look at me.

Don't say that. I'm sure many of the
people that have used you have gotten a

out of it.

Thanks.

How do I look?

Absolutely beautiful, as always.

Really?

Yeah.

Dave, you're such a shit. You've got to
go.

He's going to be here any minute. Come
on.

Well, what about Ratel? Did I go through
with it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you

probably already inadvertently knocked
her up. And I love beautiful children.

Muggletop, goodbye.

Hi.

Hello.

These are for you.

Wow, you brought flowers.

Flattered you even showed up. A
gentleman always shows up.

Sometimes he's even, you know, invited
inside.

Oh, please, come in.

Sorry about the mess.

Gave the maid the decade off.

Then I guess you'll have to put those in
water yourself.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Let's see.

Oh, I must have left it at the summer
home in Compton.

Compton's pretty this time of year.

Yeah, I love to watch the crackheads
change color.

So, where are we going?

I thought we'd start with dinner at the
Ivy and then have a drink at Club 88.

Cool. I've never been to Club 88.

The furthest I've ever gotten is Club
69.

I'm sorry

about

all the fuss.

Oh, I'm used to it. People are always
screaming my name.

Of course, they're usually law
enforcement officials.

Good evening, Mr. Newman.

What can I get for you?

I'll have a shot of your best Napoleon
brandy in a snifter warmed a few degrees

above room temperature.

Of course.

And for you?

I'll have your finest sports, diet, in a
glass chilled a few degrees above

freezing. Are you sure that's all you
want? You can have anything.

Okay. Put a lime in it.

Would you like a Cuban?

Oh, no thanks. The last Cuban I had made
me sick.

And he was mean, too.

It's so great to find a woman in this
town with a real sense of humor.

And real breasts.

But we'll get to that later. I hope so.

I am having a really good time.

Are you?

Come on, Jake. Do you think I go for
this whole shallow, glitzy movie star

scene? Because I do. I mean, it's really
great.

I'm going to go get some matches, but
when I get back, Let's go over there and

hang with Ben and Gwyneth.

We better hurry before they break up
again.

Hi,

Haley. It's me, Billy.

Just thought I would call and say that I
am having the time of my life. I am in

the VIP room at Club 88 with my new
boyfriend, Jake Newman.

You were really right about that
blessing in Skyscraper. I mean, who

blessing would be this wonderful actor
who adores me?

Oh, here he comes. I got to go.

Hi.

No.

Hey, you want to dance?

Maybe later.

First, I want to do this.

You are so sweet.

Oh. And, uh, heavy.

Jake?

Jake, how come you're not talking? Or
breathing?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Someone call 911.

Quick, call 911. Jake?

Oh, my God.

So we have to get a blood test on this.

We have to sign our forms for the
marriage license. Raquel, I think this

happening too soon.

You want to go to the bathroom?

Not that, Raquel. I'm talking about the
whole nuptial, connubial -style coupling

thing.

You mean the wedding?

Well, you could call it that.

Don't you think that we're rushing into
this a little bit?

I mean, maybe... Maybe you should go
back to Australia for a little while

we really decide what to do.

I don't want to go back to Australia. I
want to stay here with you.

I thought you said we were going to get
married.

Yeah, and if the marriage doesn't work
out, you still get your green card,

right?

What are you saying?

You know, you hear a lot of stories
about girls who marry perfect strangers

so they can stay in the country. I watch
a lot of Nightline.

Dave, you're not a perfect stranger.

Although you are starting to act like
one. Don't overreact. Don't overreact?

Is that what you think?

That I would want to marry you just to
stay in the country?

What, you think I would leave my friends
and my family so I could live in

this... smog -filled, pathetic excuse
for a city?

Got good Mexican food.

Dave, I didn't even mention marriage.
You proposed to me.

Not on purpose.

I was talking hypothetically.

Let's see.

Well, don't worry, Dave. You're off the
hook.

And just for the record, I couldn't give
a shit about the green card.

I wanted to marry you because I love
you.

And I thought that we could make each
other happy.

Hypothetically.

Your body parts are going to start
falling off.

Maybe we need to leave the house.

Got that?

That's kinky. I'm down.

Come on.

I was thinking more along the lines of
seeing a movie.

Okay.

Let's see if we got a paper.

Oh, shit.

What is it?

Billy, she's on the front cover.

Oh, Lord, remind me to cancel our
subscription.

Oh, baby, this is serious.

Jake Newman died last night, and she was
with him.

You know, I've been worried about her,
man.

I'm worried about her.

Does she look all fucked up there?

I don't care. Well, I do. That's a
drink.

I'm going to go over there and check on
her, man. Wait a minute. Back up. You're

going to leave me here to go see her?

Well, not unless you want to come.

No, I'm not trying to go see your
neurotic, substance -abusing ex

Why don't you just call her Billy, okay?

Save time.

Look.

I'm worried about her. I think she might
be in real trouble and I feel partly to

blame. You are not responsible for that
girl's failings. You know, I'm not happy

that she got hurt either.

Okay, maybe a little bit. But look,
we're trying to rebuild our marriage and

can't do that if you run out every time
she has a problem. Yeah, and I can't

just stand around and watch a friend go
down the tubes and do nothing.

That's not who I am.

You know that.

Well, fine. You know, I might not be
here when you get back.

Well, Nancy, then you do what you gotta
do, okay?

And I'm gonna do what I gotta do.

Come on, Raquel. I know you're there,
honey. Pick up the phone.

Come in.

Oh, shit. I was hoping you were Raquel.

Oh, I could talk an Australian accent if
you like.

Actually, I can't.

Have you seen the paper?

No, not since they canceled Beetle
Bailey.

Oh, my God. Is that Billy? Yeah.

The late, great Jake Newman right there.

Oh, my God. I hope she didn't flip.

It's my fault, man.

If I hadn't broken up with Billy, she
wouldn't have gone out with him. No,

He wouldn't have died and she wouldn't
be in this mess. It's my fault. If I

hadn't broken up with her, she never
would have gone out with you in the

place. That's what you think.

You're delusional, baby.

Yeah.

You know Billy Frank?

No. What was her relationship with Jake
Newman? Sorry, no comment. Come on. Can

you tell us anything? No.

Oh, actually, I know she likes that new
restaurant in West Hollywood, Abate's.

Abate's. Real food and reasonable price.

Conveniently located. Come on, Dave.
Come on, Dave. Come on, Dave. Thank you.

Okay, that's enough. Thank you very
much. Come on. That's enough. Private

property. Get your asses out of here.
Thank you very much.

Thank you. That's enough.

Billy! Dave!

And Marcus!

Marcus is here, too, huh?

I just got a key, man.

What? You don't have a key?

Oh, well, nah!

She gave me a key, but, you know, she
wanted it back when we broke up. She

wanted me to keep mine.

Yeah, well, either way, she's not here,
man. Fuck.

I just hope she's all right.

Are you okay?

I don't think coming here was such a
good idea.

Have you read the papers?

I'm the Kathy Smith of the new
millennium.

The lady who killed Belushi.

Jim Belushi died?

Hey, look.

It's the lady with the kiss of death.

Hey.

The worst I ever did with a kiss was
give someone herpes.

Oh, she's got herpes, too.

Oh, great. How many years did I have to
break to deserve all this? It's like I

won a shit lottery.

Oh, you don't know, Billy.

It's possible that this is still a
blessing and that God... Oh, say it

Healy. I dare you.

Okay, if everybody could take their
seats.

Time is money.

Remember Graham Sheridan? Yeah.

The one that directed Jake and I in the
movie.

He was really bossy.

The cute... The single?

What can you say about a dead action
hero?

People of all ages love to watch Jake
Newman blow things up.

Made a lot of moviegoers happy.

We'll all miss him.

Especially me.

Since my picture's not finished.

Anybody else have anything to say?

Hey, uh, Billy Franks, who's also in the
movie I directed, which stars

Jake Newman and opens in the fall.

Although, honestly, hon, I think with
all the pressure you're getting, we're

probably going to have to cut you out.

The latest windfall in my shit lottery.

You were the last one to see him alive.
Why don't you come up and say a few

words?

Hi, I'm Billy, and I'm a mourner.

Look, I just want to set the record
straight and say that I did not give

any drugs.

And although I'm a good kisser, you
know, I'm not good enough to cause

arrest, at least not to my knowledge.

Anyway, I also just want to say I'm
having a really bad week.

Not a bad month, year.

Well, let's face it, life.

But I know this memorial isn't about me.
It's about Jake.

And, you know, his life was cut too
short.

Right in the middle of his date with me.

And, you know, he liked me a lot.

And I'm going to miss him liking me.

But, you know, at least I'll always have
the memory of a really great night

that...

Jake and I spent together that ended.

Okay.

Baby, you packing or unpacking? Marking.
Because if you're packing, I just want

you to know straight up front, I'm not
taking the blame. Marking. And you think

I'm going to roll over every time you
lay down one of your little rules.

Marking. Go ahead, bring it on. I was
wrong. See, that's bullshit.

Say what? What?

What? I said I was wrong, and I'm sorry.

Say it again. Say what?

Uh -uh.

Don't make me say it again.

Look, honey, I thought about it, and I
realized that I need to be more

Well, you are either enlightened or
delightfully inebriated. A little. I was

bored. But really, I can see things
differently now.

In fact, I can see two of you.

I like to see two of you with your
clothes off.

Come here.

I could be in the mood for a nice menage
a trois.

Not that I know what that would be like.

We're going to make it this time, right,
baby?

I hope so.

I want to start over.

Me too.

Should I go outside and come back in?
Huh?

If you take me with you.

Are you okay?

Oh, my feet are aching. Not you.

Although I'm sorry about your feet.

You're late, by the way. All right.

Where the hell have you been?

I went to a meeting and a funeral. Why?

Oh, nothing.

What?

I don't know. I read that shit about you
in the paper, and I thought maybe, you

know, that you'd slipped.

Oh, no. It's not the craziest thing.
Crazier things have happened, right? No,

didn't slip.

Good God.

Wow,

I didn't even think about it.

Yeah?

Isn't that weird that all this shit
would happen and I didn't even want to

it worse by drinking?

No, it's not weird. It's progress. It's
fantastic.

I'm very proud of you.

Boy, I didn't realize you still cared so
much.

What are you talking about? You're my
best friend.

That's never going to change.

You know, it almost makes it worth going
through this whole crappy week to hear

you say that.

So how you doing?

Do you straighten out things with
Raquel?

Yeah, she's leaving. She won't return my
calls.

That's a yes.

Well, Dave, you know, there's other fish
in the sea, and at least now you know

that this one is a founder.

It's not her. It's me. She's going back
to Australia thinking I'm a complete

asshole. And you have a bad enough
reputation on this continent.

What do you want to be with her for
anyway? I mean, she's just a tall, tan

version of me without any of that kinky,
slutty stuff.

Who is walking in right now? Oh, Raquel,
I called you like 11 times.

13.

I just came to say goodbye.

Well, I'm glad. I mean, not that you're
saying goodbye, that you came by.

Look, I owe you an apology.

A big apology.

A huge... I owe you an apology that's so
big it's got like a gravitational pull

that could rend a hole in the universe.

Okay, let's hear it.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Okay, apology duly noted.

I just wanted to say good luck with the
restaurant and everything.

I'm going to miss you.

Wait.

I love you.

I love you too.

Then what are we doing here?

What are we doing here? We should do
something about that.

I think you just need to keep looking
for the person that you want to spend

rest of your life with because...

That's what I'm going to do.

Dave.

In the long run, it's better this way. I
mean, you and me.

We're just not made for lifelong
commitments.

Raquel?

Raquel! I don't want you to go.

There's something I've got to ask you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Will you do me the honor of being my
wife?

Yes. Yes? I can't.