Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now it's just path to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to stay.

I've got to relearn the basics.

That I never learned anyway. When will I find someone who understands?

When will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be this way.

Sure, cigarettes and cookie dough are the answer.

You're right. I'll get the Twinkies. I shouldn't be eating any of this. It's

for the baby.

And you know, I'm half bulimic.

Half? I binge. I just don't purge.

You know, I'm just like this Twinkie.

A guilty pleasure that people only want to sneak on the side.

You're so alone.

You're not alone.

Well, I mean, you're alone in the sense that we're all alone, but you're not

alone in the sense that I'm here.

Very reassuring.

Billy, you can't let men define who you are and how you feel about yourself.

Who's going to do it? You are.

Look, Marcus dumping you in front of everybody might turn out to be the best

thing that ever happened to you. Look, if that is the best thing, I'm going to

take a nice hot bath with a toaster. What happened could be a blessing in

disguise. You know what? That is the stupidest saying. I mean, why does a

blessing have to wear a disguise? Is it so cowardly that it has to hide behind a

fucking mask?

Maybe it's a little bit afraid of you.

I know I am.

I'm sorry. I'm just upset right now. Really, don't you see?

Now is the time to explore all your options.

Options? Well, I mentioned the bathtub. I could also leap off the balcony, split

my wrist. Stop! What I'm saying is that now is the perfect time for you to

really get to know yourself.

Oh, I know me. And frankly, I'm not impressed.

Plus, I've heard everything I have to say.

In fact...

I think what I need right now is to listen to somebody else.

Preferably somebody handsome who will tell me how wonderful I am. What are you

doing? I'm going to get a date.

Oh, no, honey.

It's way too soon for you to start dating. You and Marcus just broke up 72

ago. Yeah, well, I can't live in the past. You have to take time to be with

pain. I am always with my pain, Haley. I mean, can't my pain be on its own for a

while? Give me the fucking phone. No guy is worth more than your emotional well

-being.

Even... Jake Newman?

Movie star?

Oh, I'll die.

Don't let the room full of hungry customers disturb you. I'm taking a

break. You do that after the baby's born.

I know.

Hello, gorgeous party of one.

Hey, I had a great idea this morning when I woke up. Then after I did it, I

another good idea.

Let's go to Tahoe this week.

Huh?

Dave, I can't.

Oh. I've got some really bad news.

My visa's about to expire.

You're using American Express.

No, my travel visa.

I applied for a permanent one and it was turned down and I have to go back to

Australia in two days.

What do you mean, for good?

For at least a year until I can reapply. Oh, my God.

You could come to Australia.

Such a pretty country.

Oh, I can't go to Australia. I mean, I've got a business to run here.

What are you going to do?

They have an international plan for phone sex.

I wouldn't work because then I'd be coming a full day ahead of you.

Dave, I don't want to leave you. No, no, there's got to be something.

You can work here. A work visa.

You could be a busboy. Dave, I fly jumbo jets. I flew in the Gulf War. I'll

train you.

We're not.

Okay.

But... I don't know. I can't think of anything. I mean, unless I adopted you

married you.

Dave, that's a really good idea.

The adoption?

No, no, no. The marriage. I mean, it makes perfect sense. I mean, we're in

aren't we?

Of course we are.

Then it would be kind of like destiny, don't you think?

If you think so.

Oh, my God, Dave.

I am so in love with you. I can hardly breathe.

Oh, I'm having a little... I'm catching my breath, too.

I'm going to tell my parents, okay?

I'm getting married.

How do you accidentally propose to someone? I don't know. I don't know. I

one minute we're talking about phone sex, the next minute she's picking out a

wedding cake. You want my advice?

Yes. Get chocolate.

Ha, ha, ha. Four.

Well, okay, then just tell her it was a big mistake.

Oh, no. Tell her you have an evil twin who's playing a prank on her.

That never works.

Well, sometimes life throws you a curveball, or maybe in your case, a fast

to the head. But what I'm saying, man, you've got to look at this thing from

angles. Okay, either I get married or I break it off. Is there any other angle

that you can think of?

No, that's about it. Yeah, yeah. Right.

But, but, do you love her?

Yeah, I do. Well, what's the problem?

Have you met me? I mean, the only thing I can commit to is a hairstyle.

And I'm thinking about getting that cut.

Dave, I hope you're not waiting for you to change before you settle down.

Because tick -tock, baby, pickings are going to be slim when you're 70.

If you want my opinion.

You don't. You can't marry an Australian. They eat Vegemite for

listen to men at work.

Stingos eat their babies, Dave. Don't you have tables?

Dave, Dave, Dave. At some point, you've got to settle down with homo and quit

fucking all the women.

That's funny advice coming from you. You spent your 10th wedding anniversary in

another woman?

All this from a glorified incubator for two homos.

Oh, hey.

Women. What am I going to do?

I don't know, man.

Maybe this homo communication thing is a blessing in disguise.

Well, how? Well, if it didn't happen, you might have let the perfect girl get

away.

That's true.

Or maybe I'm just fucked.

Or that.

Hello?

Strange man in the apartment. Please remove all clothing.

Dave, come here for a second.

Which one of these says, feel free to grope me in public?

Oh, this one.

This one says you're going to have to buy me dinner first.

Thanks.

You're not in a good mood.

Well, why shouldn't I be?

Oh, you mean Marcus.

Holy, I am so over him, I barely remember what he looks like. Tall, good

-looking, crazy hair?

Doesn't ring a bell.

Probably because I'm preoccupied with the new man in my life.

Who? Someone you may have heard of.

Someone I like to call Jake Newman, movie star.

No, really, who?

Jake Newman, the movie star.

And don't look so surprised. I did that film with him, and naturally he was

awestruck by my beauty and charm and other things I have that escape me right

now.

Anyway, he asked me out then. I resisted.

Foolishly, I might add. And of course he was heartbroken. Of course.

And since we have heartbreak in common, I figured, what the hell? Billions love

him. Why can't I?

Wow. Very fast. I mean, honestly, I thought I'd come over here, I'd find you

surrounded by empty Kleenex boxes and Twinkie wrappers.

How little you know me.

Jake Newman, huh?

Hey, I read somewhere that he slept with Liv Tyler. Uh -huh. So if you sleep

with him and I've slept with you, then technically I will have slept with Liv

Tyler. Not bad for a guy who may or may not be engaged.

What?

Raquel's visa expired and I kind of inadvertently proposed to her.

Dave. How do you inadvertently propose to somebody? Did you stumble and fall on

one knee?

No, just stuck my foot in my mouth.

Probably the cleanest body part that's been in there.

I don't know, just the idea of marrying anybody is... Nauseating. It's like when

you get queasy from eating bad clams.

It's like you're me.

Well, I'm sure you can get out of it, and you should.

She's probably just manipulating you so she can stay in the country.

She's not like that. She's crazy about me.

No.

You don't really think she's just using me for a green card, do you?

You know, Dave, people have been used for a lot less than that.

Look at me.

Don't say that. I'm sure many of the people that have used you have gotten a

out of it.

Thanks.

How do I look?

Absolutely beautiful, as always.

Really?

Yeah.

Dave, you're such a shit. You've got to go.

He's going to be here any minute. Come on.

Well, what about Ratel? Did I go through with it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you

probably already inadvertently knocked her up. And I love beautiful children.

Muggletop, goodbye.

Hi.

Hello.

These are for you.

Wow, you brought flowers.

Flattered you even showed up. A gentleman always shows up.

Sometimes he's even, you know, invited inside.

Oh, please, come in.

Sorry about the mess.

Gave the maid the decade off.

Then I guess you'll have to put those in water yourself.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Let's see.

Oh, I must have left it at the summer home in Compton.

Compton's pretty this time of year.

Yeah, I love to watch the crackheads change color.

So, where are we going?

I thought we'd start with dinner at the Ivy and then have a drink at Club 88.

Cool. I've never been to Club 88.

The furthest I've ever gotten is Club 69.

I'm sorry

about

all the fuss.

Oh, I'm used to it. People are always screaming my name.

Of course, they're usually law enforcement officials.

Good evening, Mr. Newman.

What can I get for you?

I'll have a shot of your best Napoleon brandy in a snifter warmed a few degrees

above room temperature.

Of course.

And for you?

I'll have your finest sports, diet, in a glass chilled a few degrees above

freezing. Are you sure that's all you want? You can have anything.

Okay. Put a lime in it.

Would you like a Cuban?

Oh, no thanks. The last Cuban I had made me sick.

And he was mean, too.

It's so great to find a woman in this town with a real sense of humor.

And real breasts.

But we'll get to that later. I hope so.

I am having a really good time.

Are you?

Come on, Jake. Do you think I go for this whole shallow, glitzy movie star

scene? Because I do. I mean, it's really great.

I'm going to go get some matches, but when I get back, Let's go over there and

hang with Ben and Gwyneth.

We better hurry before they break up again.

Hi,

Haley. It's me, Billy.

Just thought I would call and say that I am having the time of my life. I am in

the VIP room at Club 88 with my new boyfriend, Jake Newman.

You were really right about that blessing in Skyscraper. I mean, who

blessing would be this wonderful actor who adores me?

Oh, here he comes. I got to go.

Hi.

No.

Hey, you want to dance?

Maybe later.

First, I want to do this.

You are so sweet.

Oh. And, uh, heavy.

Jake?

Jake, how come you're not talking? Or breathing?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Someone call 911.

Quick, call 911. Jake?

Oh, my God.

So we have to get a blood test on this.

We have to sign our forms for the marriage license. Raquel, I think this

happening too soon.

You want to go to the bathroom?

Not that, Raquel. I'm talking about the whole nuptial, connubial -style coupling

thing.

You mean the wedding?

Well, you could call it that.

Don't you think that we're rushing into this a little bit?

I mean, maybe... Maybe you should go back to Australia for a little while

we really decide what to do.

I don't want to go back to Australia. I want to stay here with you.

I thought you said we were going to get married.

Yeah, and if the marriage doesn't work out, you still get your green card,

right?

What are you saying?

You know, you hear a lot of stories about girls who marry perfect strangers

so they can stay in the country. I watch a lot of Nightline.

Dave, you're not a perfect stranger.

Although you are starting to act like one. Don't overreact. Don't overreact?

Is that what you think?

That I would want to marry you just to stay in the country?

What, you think I would leave my friends and my family so I could live in

this... smog -filled, pathetic excuse for a city?

Got good Mexican food.

Dave, I didn't even mention marriage. You proposed to me.

Not on purpose.

I was talking hypothetically.

Let's see.

Well, don't worry, Dave. You're off the hook.

And just for the record, I couldn't give a shit about the green card.

I wanted to marry you because I love you.

And I thought that we could make each other happy.

Hypothetically.

Your body parts are going to start falling off.

Maybe we need to leave the house.

Got that?

That's kinky. I'm down.

Come on.

I was thinking more along the lines of seeing a movie.

Okay.

Let's see if we got a paper.

Oh, shit.

What is it?

Billy, she's on the front cover.

Oh, Lord, remind me to cancel our subscription.

Oh, baby, this is serious.

Jake Newman died last night, and she was with him.

You know, I've been worried about her, man.

I'm worried about her.

Does she look all fucked up there?

I don't care. Well, I do. That's a drink.

I'm going to go over there and check on her, man. Wait a minute. Back up. You're

going to leave me here to go see her?

Well, not unless you want to come.

No, I'm not trying to go see your neurotic, substance -abusing ex

Why don't you just call her Billy, okay?

Save time.

Look.

I'm worried about her. I think she might be in real trouble and I feel partly to

blame. You are not responsible for that girl's failings. You know, I'm not happy

that she got hurt either.

Okay, maybe a little bit. But look, we're trying to rebuild our marriage and

can't do that if you run out every time she has a problem. Yeah, and I can't

just stand around and watch a friend go down the tubes and do nothing.

That's not who I am.

You know that.

Well, fine. You know, I might not be here when you get back.

Well, Nancy, then you do what you gotta do, okay?

And I'm gonna do what I gotta do.

Come on, Raquel. I know you're there, honey. Pick up the phone.

Come in.

Oh, shit. I was hoping you were Raquel.

Oh, I could talk an Australian accent if you like.

Actually, I can't.

Have you seen the paper?

No, not since they canceled Beetle Bailey.

Oh, my God. Is that Billy? Yeah.

The late, great Jake Newman right there.

Oh, my God. I hope she didn't flip.

It's my fault, man.

If I hadn't broken up with Billy, she wouldn't have gone out with him. No,

He wouldn't have died and she wouldn't be in this mess. It's my fault. If I

hadn't broken up with her, she never would have gone out with you in the

place. That's what you think.

You're delusional, baby.

Yeah.

You know Billy Frank?

No. What was her relationship with Jake Newman? Sorry, no comment. Come on. Can

you tell us anything? No.

Oh, actually, I know she likes that new restaurant in West Hollywood, Abate's.

Abate's. Real food and reasonable price.

Conveniently located. Come on, Dave. Come on, Dave. Come on, Dave. Thank you.

Okay, that's enough. Thank you very much. Come on. That's enough. Private

property. Get your asses out of here. Thank you very much.

Thank you. That's enough.

Billy! Dave!

And Marcus!

Marcus is here, too, huh?

I just got a key, man.

What? You don't have a key?

Oh, well, nah!

She gave me a key, but, you know, she wanted it back when we broke up. She

wanted me to keep mine.

Yeah, well, either way, she's not here, man. Fuck.

I just hope she's all right.

Are you okay?

I don't think coming here was such a good idea.

Have you read the papers?

I'm the Kathy Smith of the new millennium.

The lady who killed Belushi.

Jim Belushi died?

Hey, look.

It's the lady with the kiss of death.

Hey.

The worst I ever did with a kiss was give someone herpes.

Oh, she's got herpes, too.

Oh, great. How many years did I have to break to deserve all this? It's like I

won a shit lottery.

Oh, you don't know, Billy.

It's possible that this is still a blessing and that God... Oh, say it

Healy. I dare you.

Okay, if everybody could take their seats.

Time is money.

Remember Graham Sheridan? Yeah.

The one that directed Jake and I in the movie.

He was really bossy.

The cute... The single?

What can you say about a dead action hero?

People of all ages love to watch Jake Newman blow things up.

Made a lot of moviegoers happy.

We'll all miss him.

Especially me.

Since my picture's not finished.

Anybody else have anything to say?

Hey, uh, Billy Franks, who's also in the movie I directed, which stars

Jake Newman and opens in the fall.

Although, honestly, hon, I think with all the pressure you're getting, we're

probably going to have to cut you out.

The latest windfall in my shit lottery.

You were the last one to see him alive. Why don't you come up and say a few

words?

Hi, I'm Billy, and I'm a mourner.

Look, I just want to set the record straight and say that I did not give

any drugs.

And although I'm a good kisser, you know, I'm not good enough to cause

arrest, at least not to my knowledge.

Anyway, I also just want to say I'm having a really bad week.

Not a bad month, year.

Well, let's face it, life.

But I know this memorial isn't about me. It's about Jake.

And, you know, his life was cut too short.

Right in the middle of his date with me.

And, you know, he liked me a lot.

And I'm going to miss him liking me.

But, you know, at least I'll always have the memory of a really great night

that...

Jake and I spent together that ended.

Okay.

Baby, you packing or unpacking? Marking. Because if you're packing, I just want

you to know straight up front, I'm not taking the blame. Marking. And you think

I'm going to roll over every time you lay down one of your little rules.

Marking. Go ahead, bring it on. I was wrong. See, that's bullshit.

Say what? What?

What? I said I was wrong, and I'm sorry.

Say it again. Say what?

Uh -uh.

Don't make me say it again.

Look, honey, I thought about it, and I realized that I need to be more

Well, you are either enlightened or delightfully inebriated. A little. I was

bored. But really, I can see things differently now.

In fact, I can see two of you.

I like to see two of you with your clothes off.

Come here.

I could be in the mood for a nice menage a trois.

Not that I know what that would be like.

We're going to make it this time, right, baby?

I hope so.

I want to start over.

Me too.

Should I go outside and come back in? Huh?

If you take me with you.

Are you okay?

Oh, my feet are aching. Not you.

Although I'm sorry about your feet.

You're late, by the way. All right.

Where the hell have you been?

I went to a meeting and a funeral. Why?

Oh, nothing.

What?

I don't know. I read that shit about you in the paper, and I thought maybe, you

know, that you'd slipped.

Oh, no. It's not the craziest thing. Crazier things have happened, right? No,

didn't slip.

Good God.

Wow,

I didn't even think about it.

Yeah?

Isn't that weird that all this shit would happen and I didn't even want to

it worse by drinking?

No, it's not weird. It's progress. It's fantastic.

I'm very proud of you.

Boy, I didn't realize you still cared so much.

What are you talking about? You're my best friend.

That's never going to change.

You know, it almost makes it worth going through this whole crappy week to hear

you say that.

So how you doing?

Do you straighten out things with Raquel?

Yeah, she's leaving. She won't return my calls.

That's a yes.

Well, Dave, you know, there's other fish in the sea, and at least now you know

that this one is a founder.

It's not her. It's me. She's going back to Australia thinking I'm a complete

asshole. And you have a bad enough reputation on this continent.

What do you want to be with her for anyway? I mean, she's just a tall, tan

version of me without any of that kinky, slutty stuff.

Who is walking in right now? Oh, Raquel, I called you like 11 times.

13.

I just came to say goodbye.

Well, I'm glad. I mean, not that you're saying goodbye, that you came by.

Look, I owe you an apology.

A big apology.

A huge... I owe you an apology that's so big it's got like a gravitational pull

that could rend a hole in the universe.

Okay, let's hear it.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Okay, apology duly noted.

I just wanted to say good luck with the restaurant and everything.

I'm going to miss you.

Wait.

I love you.

I love you too.

Then what are we doing here?

What are we doing here? We should do something about that.

I think you just need to keep looking for the person that you want to spend

rest of your life with because...

That's what I'm going to do.

Dave.

In the long run, it's better this way. I mean, you and me.

We're just not made for lifelong commitments.

Raquel?

Raquel! I don't want you to go.

There's something I've got to ask you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Will you do me the honor of being my wife?

Yes. Yes? I can't.