All language subtitles for Rude Awakening s03e17 Duck

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now I just have to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to
say, I've got to relearn the basics.

That I never learned anyway. When will I
find someone who understands?

When will this drive ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be there.

I was wondering if we could talk about
that little thing that happened between

us last week. Which thing?

Me, you, pillows, candlelight, butt
naked on the floor, hitting it. That

Oh, that thing.

Wasn't that great?

Yeah. No, I mean, it was, but it wasn't
because... Baby, it can't happen again,

okay? Oh, so you came here to tell me
you don't want to do that anymore?

No, I want to, but one is not the issue.
I can't because I'm just... In denial.

No. In denial about what?

About the fact that you're still in love
with me.

That, again, is not the issue. The point
is, baby, that I am in a relationship

with somebody else.

I know.

Yeah, and you are getting divorced from
me, and I don't know a lot about the

ecosystem, but, you know, I don't think
I'm supposed to be fucking the

plaintiff, you know?

Then maybe you shouldn't think so much.

Yes, again?

Man, you say that like I can't stop
setting nuns on fire.

Hey, I'm not proud of this thing with
Nancy. What's happening?

Look, I just told you because I thought
you of all people would understand. I'm

not judging you. You are judging me,
Dave. I see it.

All right, I am.

Because it's Billy. You know, you've got
to tell her that you're cheating on

him. It's not cheating so much as the
last part of our marriage that we're

getting to now.

We're not so much cheaters as we are,
you know, procrastinators.

You put the fucking off until now.

No wonder the marriage didn't work out.

Hey. Hey.

Haven't you ever heard of a goodbye
fuck?

I think it's a goodbye fuck. And if
there were kids, it wouldn't be allowed

the airport.

Okay, fine.

I'm starting a new trend. It's going to
be bigger than the high five. If there

were goodbye fucks, this would not
qualify as a goodbye fuck because you're

saying goodbye to Nancy. You're just
fucking. Well, I got the first part

I got to work on the second part.

I can't believe you're not being more
understanding. I do understand.

I just feel that by not telling Billy,
I'm lying to her.

Or protecting her.

Hey, how's that feel? Try that on. See?

You feel good now? You're protecting
her. You keep your mouth shut. It brings

out the blue in your eyes.

The point is, you're putting me in the
middle. I'm caught in the middle. Dave,

I'm the one caught in the middle. You're
not caught in the middle. You walked

right into the middle. You slept with
the middle, okay?

You know, you're choosing this problem.
No, the problem is I can't choose.

Even by not choosing, you're making a
choice.

You sound like a fortune teller.

Okay, just do me a favor.

Let me choose to handle this one myself.
And you're going to do that when?

Hi. Hey.

Oh, hey. What is that, Cherokee?

Yeah, it's Cherokee for you scared the
shit out of me. Why are you so jumpy

there, sitting bullshit?

Oh, you want to get the cup? Did I catch
you guys in the middle of something?

No, no, no.

You know, surprise me, that's all.

Oh, and you don't like surprises?

No, it depends on what it is.

Sure. I mean, you know, there's a good
kind of surprise when you open the door

and Ed McMahon is standing there with a
big fat check. And then there's a bad

kind of surprise where you're running
late to a funeral and your car gets

Yeah, and when your car gets towed,
don't you wish that somebody had told

about it rather than making you find out
about it all by yourself? Yeah, but

that wouldn't change the fact that your
car was already towed and the tow truck

driver probably felt really bad about it
and it wouldn't happen again.

Well, the tow truck drivers that I know
usually aren't that sensitive. In fact,

the last guy who hauled my car away
laughed at me and then gave me the

And he was from Roadside Assistance.

Yeah, doesn't it suck when someone you
think you can rely on lets you down like

that? Shit!

Whoa! Look at the time!

I've got to get to the magazine because
I work there.

Hey, I'll see you later, beautiful.

Dave. Dave?

Is it my imagination or is Marcus acting
kind of strange?

Oh, yeah. You know, he's got a lot of
stress in his wife. Life.

Life. Because of his wife causing him
strife.

What are you, cat in the hat?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I think he's stressed out because his
birthday's coming up.

Okay, yeah, yeah. That makes sense.

And that is why I want to ask you if you
think I should throw him a surprise

party.

That's a lot of work, isn't it? No, you
know, if you're gonna throw a surprise

party, you gotta really like somebody.

I mean, really, really like somebody.

Well, I do.

You know, when it comes to
relationships, Billy, sometimes it's

you know, not put all your eggs in one
basket. Well,

there's not a lot of baskets lining up
for my eggs these days, Dave. I would

hate for you to miss that because, you
know, you're settling out of fear of a

basket shortage or something because
there's a lot of men out there that

be very happy to hang on to your eggs.

Dave. Leaving the poultry aside, what
the fuck are you talking about?

I'm trying to tell you that you're one
of the most beautiful, interesting,

intelligent women that I know. And you
deserve to be with a man that's going to

love all those things about you. A man
who's going to love you the most.

He's not too keen on the whole surprise
party idea. Why not?

He has his reasons.

And I want to know them.

I don't think I can tell you. Then you
have to.

You promise you can keep a secret? I'm
great at keeping secrets.

In high school, I never told Donna
Rubinsky that Ricky Carson liked him.

never told Ricky that Donna liked him.

Which is too bad, because Donna ended up
marrying Ed Farrell, who beats her.

Look, let's just say that Donna and Ed
are not the only couple who's having

problems.

Basically, Dave told me that I should
leave Marcus and get back together with

him. No fucking way! He grabbed me by
the arms and said I was beautiful,

intelligent, and sexy, and that I should
be with the man who appreciates all

that about me. He did not. He did not. I
don't believe it. I couldn't believe it

myself. I mean, all this time, you know,
he seems like he's so happy with

Raquel, but he's really just never
gotten over me.

How do you feel about that?

I don't know.

I mean...

They've got me, right?

So I guess I feel like anybody would be
kind of happy that he wants me back.

Do you want him back?

No, no. I mean, I'm happy with Marcus.
You know, he's successful, he's cute,

he's sweet. I can trust him, which is
nice.

Then you have to tell Dave it's not fair
to leave him on.

I'm not leaving anyone on Haley. I mean,
it's not my fault that he finds me

beautiful and charming and spends his
nights dreaming about me.

Who does?

Normally it's June.

I spoke to my dad the other day. Mm
-hmm.

He asked how things were going with us.

Uh -huh.

Told him that you beat me.

He's going to come over here and
disembowel you. Mm -hmm.

Hey! What?

I told you my father was going to
disembowel you.

Why?

I don't even know the guy.

I wasn't serious.

Why'd you say it? Because you're not
listening to me.

Oh.

I'm sorry, honey. There's a lot of stuff
on my mind. That's all. Okay. What

stuff?

Nothing. Just drama with my friends.

What kind of drama?

I can't say. I really can't.

Especially now.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Dave, can I talk to you for a second in
private, please?

Thank you. Sure.

You understand? Okay.

Dave, you remember the conversation we
had the other day about Marcus?

Yeah. Well, it just, it seemed to me
that there was something that you wanted

say, but you didn't come right out and
say it. Am I wrong?

Maybe.

Dave, I think I know what it was.

In fact, I do.

Oh, good.

God, because my heart was going to burst
from not being able to tell you.

Really? Oh, of course. You know how much
I care about you.

But how do you feel about this? Well,
surprised.

I mean, when a person says a
relationship is over, you tend to think

So you're going to break it off with
Marcus?

Well, that's pretty obnoxious of you,
Dave. I mean, look, I'm affected by what

you feel, but that doesn't mean that I'm
just going to suddenly dump Marcus.

I would have thought you'd want to.

Dave, this may come as a shock to you,
but I'm happy with Marcus.

Even knowing?

Even knowing.

Okay. I mean, I just want you to be
happy.

I want you to be happy.

Well, I'm happy if you're happy.

Okay. All right.

When I stop being happy, I'll let you
know so that you can adjust accordingly.

Hey, hey, hey, have you seen Marcus yet?
No, he didn't get in yet. Okay, listen,

when he comes in, you gotta talk to him.

Try to get some of the names of friends
of his. I mean, people other than the

ones I know that I can invite to the
party, okay?

Right.

How?

Well, Haley, just try something radical
like talking to him.

I never talked to Marcus. Don't you
think he'll think that's weird? What's

weird? I mean, just pretend you're being
friendly or say you're interviewing him

for some school thing. No. Make
something up. It's just...

I'm not a very good actress. In high
school, when I played Joan of Arc, they

threw Mac his.

Maybe they were Protestant.

Anyway, I've got to get out of here
before Marcus comes.

Oh, Eddie. Hey, Eddie. Hi.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hey, man.

Well, too bad I can't stay, but I have
to get over to the pet store to buy a

cat.

Yeah, I just remembered that my neighbor
went to Reno two weeks ago, and I...

I forgot to feed her cat, so I'm really
hoping that Petco has a medium -sized

tabby in stock.

Yeah.

She told her, huh?

Would you knock it off? No, no, not yet,
but I will, okay?

Are you sure?

Well, how would I not be sure, man?

I don't know. You don't have a history
of talking in your sleep, do you?

No, you don't have a history of blabbing
when you're awake, do you?

No.

Yo, Haley.

Can I help you or something?

Oh, well, I was just wondering who you
hang with when you're not here.

Yeah, what?

Well, I'm sure that there are people in
your life that you're close to that we

don't know about. I was just wondering
who some of them are.

Well, why are you asking me that?

I can't say.

I mean... I'm doing a paper for my psych
class on...

Divorce. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, divorce. Okay. Well, it's painful
and expensive. Kind of like plastic

surgery. Only when you come out, you
look worse.

Okay? Yeah.

Okay.

And I know that sometimes when people
get divorced, it has a big impact on

social life. Like sometimes you lose
contact with people that you were once

close to. And then sometimes you wind up
becoming closer to people who have

drifted.

Haley, do you know something?

What do you mean?

Did Dave say something to you?

No, other than what he always says puts
the deal.

Did Billy say something to you?

Billy who?

Haley, did Dave recently have a
conversation with Billy where he

very private things?

How do you know about that conversation?

I mean, I mean, I don't know what you're
talking about.

Haley, you were the worst fucking
actress in the world.

Oh, Jonah.

arc all over again?

Dave, my man.

Where'd you learn to keep a secret,
baby? Iliot Kazan?

What'd I do?

Hi.

Wow.

Flowers and candy.

What'd you do?

Yeah. Listen, I'm, um... Look, I'm aware
that Dave, my buddy, revealed certain

things to you recently.

Who told you that?

Haley. You've got a big mouth.

So does Dave. I mean, I wish he'd just
let me talk to you, you know.

Dave discussed this with you?

Briefly, but I told him, keep it to
himself.

Well, don't worry. I mean, it's not like
you're going to lose me. A lot of

people have feelings for their exes.

You're kidding me, right?

No.

I can't believe you're being so
reasonable, babe.

I mean, well, look, you know, you can't
blame someone for still caring about the

person they were in the most serious
relationship of their life with. I mean,

you still have feelings for Nancy,
right?

Yeah. Well, hey, we were married for ten
years. She's my ex -wife.

You know, I mean, of course, there's a
relationship there.

Exactly. And Dave's feelings for me are
no different.

Huh?

Dave's probably just getting nervous
about how serious he's getting with

And like he usually does, he just, you
know, he wants something that he can't

have. Hey.

Oh, uh, Dave told you he wanted to get
back together with you.

Well, not in so many words, but he did
make it clear that he still has feelings

for me.

Are you thinking of getting back
together with him?

No. No, I mean, I haven't forgotten that
we had problems and that there's a

reason why our relationship ended.

Yeah. Those are good things to remember.

Yeah, because if you don't, you end up
living in the past, you know, and I

want to do that.

I mean, especially because you and I
have such a great relationship.

Don't we?

Hell yeah.

Well, I like that I get you flowers, you
know, and candy.

Hello?

I can't believe you told Marcus what
Dave said. I didn't do it on purpose.

How did he get?

I don't know. He just did.

And now the only one that doesn't know
is Raquel. And I'm sure there's going to

be some big, huge blowout. Huge blowout?

Yes. The third one this month, in fact.
I really need new tires.

Fires done?

Great. They hung up again.

Hello?

You know, it sounded like you were
saying something about me not knowing

something.

Well, hey.

What can anybody really know anyway?

Deckhorses, the only things that you can
really know is what you think.

I think that I really need to get into
the kitchen right now. So I guess what

I'm saying is that I think there's more
ice cream.

Get it?

Bye.

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing?

Dave. What? What is going on?

What do you mean? You have been acting
very weird and secretive, and now Hayley

is acting very weird and secretive. Why
don't you just go ahead and tell me what

the big secret is that has something to
do with you and Billy and possibly a car

accident? I have no idea what you're
talking about. Hey, Raquel. Hi.

Dave. Can I speak to you in private,
Nancy?

Oh, more about the secret?

Oh, so she knows there's a secret. Not
that secret. So there is a secret.

Yes, but I didn't tell her about the
secret, okay? That's Marcus's secret.

actually, it's more our secret than this
mine, wouldn't you? What do you mean by

that? Come on, man, don't do that to me.
I'm trying to be a good guy and not

bring this up in front of your lady.

Bring what up?

I don't care. Do you want to bring it up
in front of Raquel? Be my guest. All

right, have it your way. Dave asked
Billy to leave me for him. What?

Did he do it?

I did not. Then why did you tell Billy
she was beautiful and sexy and

intelligent and that she deserved to be
with somebody who would appreciate that

about her? How do you know about that?
You told Billy that?

Yes, but not because I wanted to be with
her. Yeah, then why?

Because I didn't want her to get hurt
when she met your fucking ex -wife.

Hey, man, tell the whole world. Oh, why
don't you?

You're sleeping with Nancy?

It only happened twice. She's still my
wife for the next couple of weeks.

She's not a rent -a -car, Marcus. It's
not like you can keep rioting her with

penalty until the turn -in date.

Does Billy know?

No, and right now she's the only one in
the whole damn restaurant who doesn't

know. You have to tell her, Marcus. I
know, I know. I'm just messed up. I

want something that never should have
happened to ruin my relationship with

Billy. What are you saying? You're never
going to say anything?

No, I'm going to tell her. I'm just
waiting for the right time and place.

Look, why don't you guys just chill out?

Hard as it is, just pretend that this is
my business.

Got it? You know, the longer you wait to
tell Billy, the more you are going to

have to tell her. Well, there's not
going to be any more, Dave, because me

Nancy are done. Oh, you're done?

Absolutely.

How does this keep happening?

Two weeks ago, you wouldn't take my
phone calls at work, and now you were

me at work. What's up?

I guess nothing spices up a romance like
a good divorce.

That's crazy, honey.

Come on.

We're both trying to move on, aren't we?

Are we?

Well, that is the impression I got when
you served my ass with divorce papers,

yeah.

I guess things aren't as clear -cut for
me as I thought they were.

Well, baby, they don't have to be clear
-cut.

But, I mean, do we have a cutting edge
at all?

Do we have anything with a sharp edge?
Okay, wait a minute.

Don't try to act like I'm the only one
sending mixed messages here. We were

naked. No, no, we weren't. I had my big
-ass shoes on.

Mm -hmm.

What about this white girl you've been
seeing? Have you told her about us? No,

you know, that's not nice. And you know
her name is Billie.

Okay?

And no, but I'm gonna tell her as soon
as the time is right.

Well, what about tonight?

No, I can't do it tonight. I gotta...

It's time for a package. I got a lot of
work to do. I'm not even going to see

the lady tonight.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Well, why don't I come with you, and
maybe while you're working, I can try to

find some ways to relieve the tension.

Hey, girl, what am I going to do with
you?

Because you know I have a lot of
tension.

Can you believe this? What?

Well, that he brought Raquel here. I
mean, you know, you'd think it would be

awkward. Oh, I bet it is.

Look at her.

I feel so bad knowing what I know.

Look at her.

I feel so bad knowing what I know. It's
like I'm some nature photographer who

just stands idly by watching while some
baby emu wanders into a lion's den.

Well, you could say something to her.

Here, now.

It's hardly appropriate.

Even for me, you know, when I once
started a eulogy with a knock -knock

No time is going to be a good time.

You want to know what I think?

What? If it was me, I would want to
know.

I think you should go talk to Dave.

I think you should talk to Billy.

Hey, Bill. Hey, Dave.

So you brought Raquel with you?

Does she know about our little chat?

Yeah, yeah, she does.

And she still came?

Wow.

That's pretty understanding.

Or maybe she's just lulling you into
some false sense of security so she can

wreak some horrible revenge on you.

You know, I'd think twice about it next
time she asks you to handcuff you to the

bedpost. Honey, I've got to clear
something up with you.

What?

You misunderstood me when you thought
that I had romantic feelings for you.

Oh, Dave, I mean, pretending isn't going
to make this any better.

I'm not pretending.

Well, then why did you say I was sexy,
intelligent, beautiful, and interesting?

Because you are.

Uh -huh.

And who were you referring to when you
said I should be with a man who

appreciates all that about me? Just
somebody other than Marcus.

So the whole egg speech with the basket
and all of that... It was my way of

telling you that your relationship with
Marcus is like a basket of eggs that

somebody's about to hurl at you.

Dave, if I were about to get egg on my
face, I hope you'd at least say duck.