Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now it's just path to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got a say.

I've got a reason to face it.

That I never learned anyway. When will I find someone who understands?

When will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was sort of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be this.

and you don't want me to see.

Yes, my sex scene was Jake Newman.

Ah, well, I, uh... I thought you said it was just kissing.

I thought you said you weren't going to be jealous.

I wasn't going to be jealous because it was just kissing.

What is this kissing?

It's a penis.

Ah! No, come on, I'm kidding.

Look, I'm an actress. This is a scene.

And if the script says that I have to kiss, you know, People Magazine's

man alive, then I have to.

I may not even want to, but it is my job.

Are you trying to tell me you don't want to kiss Jake Newton?

Because, hey, I would. I mean, he's a fine motherfucker.

Okay. Yes, he is. He is very handsome.

And I suppose if I didn't have a boyfriend that I would want to kiss him.

do, so I don't. Oh, come on. That's a lot of bull. Hey, hey, I have a

girlfriend, and there's still a lot of women I'd like to kiss.

A lot?

You know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

Okay, what I'm saying is it's okay to admit that you'd like to kiss Jake

all right? Because you're a human being. I mean, there's women I'd like to kiss,

but I won't because I'm not running off doing a movie with Jennifer Lopez.

Oh, so you would love to kiss Jennifer Lopez, huh? Even though she's got a lot

of junk in her trunk.

Now, how do you turn this around on me?

Come on, can't you just be happy for me? I mean, I've never even done a movie

before and...

This could lead to other movies with more than three minutes of screen time.

Maybe four.

Yeah, I'm happy to do it.

While you're off kissing, you know, Jake Newman, I'm going to be kissing my ex

-wife's ass trying to get her to sign a property settlement.

No tongue.

I won't if you won't.

Don't worry.

Jake Newman doesn't have anything on you.

Yeah? Yeah. Except for money, power, fame.

Yeah. Except for that.

You did it!

You did it!

You did it! You blew it all up! Damn you! God damn you! What the hell?

Jesus Christ. Planet of the Apes.

Oh, man, that's the best fucking movie ever made.

That was the best friggin' foot rub I ever had. Yeah. Get back to it, will ya?

Listen, I can't afford to give you a raise. It's the least I can do.

You rub my feet like that, you can give me a pay cut.

I love monkey movies.

I love Gorillas in the Mist. I love King Kong.

Didn't Brent Reynolds do a movie with some funny monkey? I don't think so.

He should.

Yeah.

Is it my imagination or are your boobs getting bigger?

They're in a race with my ass.

I hope your boobs win.

Why? Because they're... Well, isn't that what every woman wants? Bigger boobs?

Oh, what women want. Oh, the things women want, Dave.

We want a lot of things. We want love. We want respect.

And if bigger boobs come along, we're not going to turn our noses up at them.

Well, I hope you get everything you want. You know, the love, the respect,

most importantly, the bigger boobs.

I'm very pro -Haley.

Yeah, of course.

We're friends.

Right. Right?

Yeah, we're friends.

Good.

Yeah, we're friends.

I think I'm going to get going.

No, no, come on, don't.

We're going to watch beneath the Planet of the Apes, underneath the Planet of

the Apes, and the bottom of the Planet of the Apes.

Escape from the Planet of the Apes.

One of these has got to have Burt Reynolds in it. Yeah, you know, I think

had enough monkeys.

friendship for one night.

Okay.

I'll see you at work.

I'm acting!

We haven't got much time.

The population system is weak to flow, leaving the entire Gulf vulnerable to a

four -day syntax overcompensation emergency.

My love of my intelligent agents are intelligent.

Your bra is so uncomfortable.

I'd rather get shot.

Funny and intelligent. Sounds like we're a perfect fit.

Unfortunately, we might not live long enough to find out. So we should find

now.

Here's the control panel.

Go.

Talk about an explosive relationship.

Microchip detonator must be on the inside.

Hand me the wire cutters. Any second, this bomb's going to blow.

If I'm going to be blown sky high, I'm glad it's with you.

I'll bet you say that to all the demolition specialists.

We've got to get out of here.

You go. I've got a bomb to defuse.

I won't leave you.

All right, I've got to have more smoke.

It dissipates these high ceilings as fast as we can blow it in them. Well,

lower the goddamn ceiling. The building's built already. Don't give me

I don't care if you have to ignite the extras. Give me more fucking smoke!

You were great.

I know, wasn't I?

In fact, surprisingly great if I do say so myself.

And confident?

You're a lot taller than I expected.

Then again, I'm shorter than I expected.

You know, my mom's a giant.

It's good for you to be short.

Yeah!

I actually do have some ecstasy if you need it.

Oh, to kiss you?

I don't need anything.

Except maybe oxygen.

I'm glad that's all you need because kissing scenes still make me nervous.

You do?

Yeah. We don't know each other.

It's an intimate thing and all these people are watching.

Yeah.

I'm kind of glad you brought that up, Jake.

What exactly should I do with my tongue?

Well, you do whatever you want to do with it. I'll follow your lead.

Me?

No, I mean, I can't lead.

I don't know where I'm going. You're the leading man. You lead.

Well, I don't want to do anything to make you feel uncomfortable.

I always feel kind of uncomfortable.

Nancy, what the hell are you doing here?

We had a meeting. Yeah, we have a meeting at the lawyer's office. Look, I

piece of this restaurant. I can come up here when I want to. Hey, that's what

we're going to talk about at the lawyer's office. Well, maybe I want to

about something else. Like what?

Like when Grandma had a stroke.

Shit, how bad?

She's in intensive care.

Hey. I didn't... Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just don't think she's going to

make it. No, no, no, no. Don't put that out there. We don't know that yet.

Okay?

You need that energy.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I came.

I'm so stupid.

Thanks, Leonardo.

What are you doing? Yeah.

Do that.

Come on, you're gonna... You're gonna strain your uterus or something.

Uterus? Well, I see those years of medical school are really paying off for

there, Dave. Thank you. God.

Are we okay, you and me?

Sure.

Yeah? Really?

Because I feel like I did something wrong, you know? I mean, we had such a

time the other night, and then...

And then you got so upset.

Are you going to say you don't know why I ran out?

No.

Dave, how do you see me?

As a great waitress?

Well, we're friends, right?

You're a great movie partner.

See?

No, I don't. What? What do I see? What am I missing? I might as well be

invisible. I might as well be a table to you.

What?

I'm not alone. I'm not a woman anymore. I'm a baby carrier.

Oh, my God. Nobody sees me as cute anymore. Nobody does. It's horrible. I

it. You're very... No, nobody. It's horrible. You are cute.

Okay? You're very... You're cuter now.

You're a very, very cute baby carrier. Really? Yes.

Very. So you're saying you find me attractive?

Yes. And you don't just mean on the inside?

No, I didn't say that I liked your personality. I said that you were very

attractive. You are.

I mean...

I asked you out once, didn't I? About a minute before you blew me off for Billy.

Started going out with Raquel.

Before I was pregnant.

If I didn't have a girlfriend, I'd kiss you right now, okay?

And I'd kiss you right back.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

Hey!

Hey!

Good night, Haley.

Hi, Marcus.

Thanks for the raise, Marcus.

Night.

Hey, what's up with her?

Oh, I don't know. She's pregnant, you know, and I kissed her.

You kissed her like a kiss on the cheek or one of them big old Dave sloppy

kisses? Yeah, not sloppy, but that one.

Well, no wonder she ran off, man.

That's not why she ran off.

Fuck. Fuck.

What am I doing?

Oh, my God, you know, what am I doing? Every time I get something good, like I

got with Raquel or I had with Billy, I fuck it up. What am I doing? You're

harassing one of our employees. I just hope she doesn't sue you either. I

thought if I said I had a girlfriend, it would stop me from kissing her. It

didn't.

People make mistakes.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Well, I'm not going to have to. Raquel's going

to do a fine job of that if she finds out. And you know what's worse?

Haley's so vulnerable right now.

What? You know now, when someone's going through a lot of emotional shit, you

want to make them feel better.

Exactly. Exactly.

That's right.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

Right, right.

It's not like she didn't want to. You know, she kissed back.

Hey, it's a two -way street.

And, you know, women are very perceptive. I mean, they can tell when

like a one -time thing.

Good. Okay. So I'm not going to worry about it. No, neither will I. Okay.

for you, you know.

How are you doing?

Well, good.

Hey. Yeah.

We've got to get out of here. No, you go. I've got a bond to diffuse.

I won't leave you.

and let everyone see it.

That's it.

Okay. Now, okay.

Right. More bullets.

More explosions.

More of everything.

Let's go, go, go. Somebody give me a mocha.

I'm going to block jaw.

Can a person dislocate their tongue?

I just want to note for the record that your tongue made the

first move.

My tongue was only defending its tonsils.

Well, she's a very good defender.

Okay.

Guys, we're going to go again.

You, make up. Make sure you get all the lipstick off him. Put some more on her.

And get somebody in there to fix my hair.

It looks like shit.

Altoid? Would you like that breath?

Oh, no.

I mean, in fact, you have the best breath I've ever breathed.

Look, I'm not some weirdo who goes around smelling people's breath.

I was just... Yes, I would love to have an Altoid. Good.

Because, you know, you can never be too minty.

So does your girlfriend get jealous when you do these types of things?

I don't have a girlfriend.

I have girls who are friends and girls that show up naked on my porch. Oh.

But nobody regular.

How about you?

Oh, no, I don't have a girlfriend.

Or a porch.

I love all I believe.

You know what?

I'm here and I am not going anywhere.

Marcus, this is your girlfriend slash movie.

and I just finished my kissing scene with Jake and we're running away

Kidding.

Anyway, he thinks I'm a really good actor and the director loves me and the

producer's giving me a three -picture deal. Ha!

Still kidding.

But listen, I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. I'm really sorry, but

we're working late.

So call me.

I liked him a lot, but, oh, this other guy.

Finally, he invited me over to his apartment, and he rubbed my feet.

Oh, that's nice, honey.

Anything else?

When I asked him, he said I was beautiful, and then he kissed me.

Oh, shit.

It's 8 .30. I gotta go.

He kissed me. Did you hear that part?

Who? The guy that rubbed my feet.

Oh. So do you think he likes me?

Well, hell yes, he likes you. I mean, he kissed you, didn't he?

Now your next step is to get drunk and fuck him.

Hello?

I'm pregnant.

Oh, right.

Well, then get him drunk and fuck him.

I don't think he drinks.

Then just fuck him.

So, basically, you think I should make the next move.

Hayley, you can play it safe, or you can run across the minefield of love and

find your soulmate. I mean, you might get your legs blown off, but at least

you'll never wonder what if.

Wow. That's good.

Oh, thanks.

You know, I can't take the credit for it. It was one of the things my

said in an earlier draft of the script. They should have kept it in. It's good

advice. I think I'm going to go after Day... Mon.

Daymon.

Daymon? Uh -huh.

What is he, friend?

It's Cajun, I think. It's Cajun.

Cute. Uh -huh.

But now, if you will excuse me, I have to go save the free world from Paris.

Go and thank him and be like him.

I mean, he's so sweet and sensitive.

I know.

The old Billy would do things to him that are still illegal in seven states

the District of Columbia.

And what's the new Billy going to do?

I don't know.

But the new Billy really misses the old Billy.

He didn't do anything?

Nope. Nothing? Nothing. And if I make it through without jumping him, Marcus is

going to kiss the ground I walk on because I am the best girlfriend on the

planet.

In the universe.

Or at least in the building.

Uh, Marcus, buddy?

What?

I just saw Nancy getting in her car.

And, uh, you're half -dressed.

And, well, look at this fucking plate.

You got something you want to tell me?

Yeah. I'm a fucking idiot.

You are a fucking idiot. Idiot, you slept with your wife? How could you do

Well, Matt, she was distraught, you know, and her grandma died.

So you fucked her?

Well, it cheered her up. I hope nobody else in her family's dying.

Dave, Dave.

What? Maybe none of this makes sense, right? But what? When I held her in my

arms, she felt good. It was like she never left, you know?

All right, I hate to say this, but if her grandma died a couple months ago,

we might never have broken up.

I hope you're not giving the eulogy.

Look, seriously. Okay. Hey, seriously.

Okay.

What am I going to do?

I don't know. What are you going to do, man?

You got to tell Billy.

Right?

Yeah. No, no, no.

I will. I mean, it's going to be fucking hard, man. I know, but dude, you should

have thought of that before you were, you know, fucking hard.

We weren't surrounded by guerrilla terrorists.

I make love to you right now.

Oh, you and your excuses.

Last week it was the Hezbollah, the week before the IRA.

No.

God, no.

I love you, Nick.

I love you, too.

Hot!

Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

Hot! Hot!

Hot!

For giving me the best fucking opening two minutes of a movie ever.

So you got it?

Got it. Like Tracy and Hepburn. Like Gable and Lombard. Like Fogart and

Chip and Dale.

Yeah, like them.

Shoot. Why don't we bring Billy back for a dream sequence?

Gil is haunted by dreams of Amelia.

It's very surreal.

Generally, I hate dream sequences. I loathe them generally.

But in this case, you'll think about it.

I'll think about it.

Hey, Graham, I just wanted to thank you. It's been a pleasure working with you.

Oh, it always is.

All right. Can someone bring lunch to my trailer? Is somebody pretty?

What do you want?

What if I was going to think of shit? You gonna wipe my ass? Leave me alone.

You know, nobody's ever done anything like that for me before.

I'd love to work with you again.

Wow, that sounds so much better than you'll never work in the town again.

Would you like to go, um... Do you want to, uh... Finish your sentences for you?

No. Yes, I mean, would you like to go out?

Out where?

Out. Out on the town. A pretty girl like you, I thought you'd know the jargon.

Well, I'm familiar with the jargon.

I can say yes in five languages, even fine.

But you're a movie star. Who's asking you to get on a plane with him and go to

the Montreal Film Festival for the weekend?

I don't know.

Where's Callista with her helpful hints?

She's saying you should go with Jake. He doesn't ask many girls out because he's

shy. So he must really like you.

Really?

Yeah.

How could I say no to Callista?

Or you.

Great. It'll be so much fun.

And hopefully, when I walk you to your room, I'll get to kiss you goodnight

without so many bullets whizzing past.

Wait a minute.

What?

Didn't you hear that Calista saying, Billy, you can't. You have a boyfriend.

Calista, shut up.

Look, I'm sorry. I should have said it before, but I have a boyfriend.

I wish I didn't, but I do.

Are you serious about this guy? Are you going to marry him?

Marry Marcus?

He's already married.

He's getting divorced.

Oh, getting, and here I am single.

Don't do this to me.

Do what? Don't be this charming and logical and persistent.

It's already hard enough.

Okay.

In case things don't work out with this married, divorcing guy.

Oh, right.

I'll call you. You'll probably be in bed with the Swedish bikini team.

I hope that wouldn't stop you. Me? No.

I was on the Jewish bikini team for a while.

But, you know, we felt so guilty beating the competition that we all started

binging. I always wondered what happened to the Jewish bikini team.

Well, now you know.

to stay on the team.

Shalom.

Hi, Dave.

Hey, Haley.

Listen, um...

There's something I wanted to say about what happened yesterday. Yes. Okay.

Why don't we talk that?

Okay, here we are.

Okay.

Let's talk in here. Come on.

Go ahead.

This is better, isn't it?

Yeah, yes.

I feel more comfortable in here, much more comfortable in here. Good.

You know, you ran out before we had a chance to discuss this. I know I

have. No, it's okay. I understand why you did.

But since then, I've really wanted to... Do it again?

Not exactly.

See?

Me neither.

Workplace romances never work out.

Oh.

Don't do this.

Why'd you just kiss me? My hormones are crazy.

Yesterday I started crying over a parking ticket. It wasn't even on my

then I started thinking of Rita, the meter man, and the Beatles breaking up.

I just lost it.

I'm out of control.

Nothing personal.

I'm pregnant.

Enjoy your dinner.

No,

but... Well, sorry.

The best day I've had in a long time.

I mean, I'm not going to be able to sleep. I don't even want to because then

might lose this feeling, you know?

But enough about me.

How did it go with Nancy?

I mean, was it bad? Did she get nasty?

Well, we both did.

Well,

tell me about it. I mean, I want to be here for you.

I don't want to ruin your day.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

This really was the best day of my life.