Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now it's just path to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to stay.

I gotta relearn the basics that I never learned anyway. When will I find someone

who understands?

And when will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was thought of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be.

Special business. We need a new secretary since Angela's moved to

Man, if the English think they had a problem with mad cows before, wait till

they get a load of Angela.

Any nominations?

I nominate Phoebe. I nominate Stan.

Dan, if the man had a lobotomy, he'd get smarter.

I'm not deaf.

I wasn't criticizing your hearing.

Stan or Phoebe.

Hey,

what about me?

What about you?

The secretary.

Come on.

You've got to get here early.

You've got to open the door.

You've got to make sure all the other positions are filled. You've got to get

speaker every week. I want you to nominate me, not try to talk me out of

Okay. Anybody else? Yes. I nominate Billy F.

Yay!

This is exciting. You know, I've never been nominated for anything.

Well, except in high school when I was voted most likely to conceive.

Okay. All candidates, please step outside.

Go. Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, carry my message. If I don't win, I'm not coming

back. That's a very patchy slogan.

Oh, you know, our new secretary is Billy F.

Come on up.

And then happy.

And, gosh, I mean, I'm really happy that you all voted for me.

Well, most of you.

I hope I didn't win by a very small margin.

Anyway, that doesn't matter. What matters is that you're putting your

me, and I will not let you down.

Here's the key to the room.

I'll see you next Saturday night. Oh.

I had a dollar for every time I heard that.

Congratulations.

I love that movie.

What was it about again?

I can't remember. Oh, no, no, I know. There was this guy and this girl, and

were making out.

That was us.

Hey, wait, but did a character in the movie yell out, get a room?

No, no, no, that was the lady behind us.

Well, she was jealous. She was jealous of this.

And don't forget that.

I've always been more powerful than this.

I think of that. Really?

Because I've always been more of a that girl myself.

No, maybe you were. Oh, that girl.

I like this whole taking it slow thing. It's new and different. It's

frustrating, but even a good slow, don't you think?

Oh, absolutely.

Slow is good.

I like it slow.

I also like it fast.

Alternating with slow.

Slow, fast, slow.

You are making it hard to go slow at all. Yeah, well, if I made it easy to go

slow, that wouldn't look so good to me, would it? Well, how about we not say

anything at all? Hmm, okay.

Oh, my God. It's 20 to 8. I have to get to the meeting.

God, go, go, go. Go.

No, I mean, I'm secretary. I got to change. I need to look more official.

right, then.

I know. I'll help you change.

How? Well, I could, uh...

I'm zipping you in all the hard -to -reach places. No, no, no, no. Don't

any of my hard -to -reach places. I've got to change.

Oh. Oh,

maybe I'll just change my... Why don't you change your mind and be a little

less... No, no, no, because I'm secretary. People are counting on me.

to go.

Okay, but that's a lot of pressure.

You need a little massage.

Well, this outfit's good, right? Maybe I'll just run a comb through my hair.

Okay.

That's better yet.

Let me see your hair.

You know what? My hair's fine.

I mean, the important thing is that I show up, right?

Absolutely.

Hi, Billy.

You all right? I thought something might have happened to you. No, no, I'm fine.

Where is everybody?

Well, you know, you're half an hour late. We couldn't get into the meeting

Everybody left.

Fucking L .A. traffic.

You live half a mile from here, Bill. Yeah, well, fucking L .A. traffic. I

the only traffic jam you were in involved you and Marcus. Oh, please. You

that is so like you. You always just assume it's me and Marcus. Was it?

Yes.

But it might not have been. I mean, my class might be just all messed up and I

left the house a little late because of the whole daylight savings Y2K thing.

I'm not supposed to laugh at that.

Could you?

No.

You may think this whole I'm a fuck -up thing is cute. It's not, okay? People

depended on you to get into this meeting, and you let them down. I know.

I'm sorry.

Were there a lot of people here?

Only the people who really needed help.

Yeah, oh, God, okay. Look, I won't let it happen again.

That make you feel better?

Doesn't cut it for me, Billy. Yeah, okay, well, what am I supposed to say,

It doesn't matter what you say. It's what you do, okay?

People depended on you, and you picked Marcus over a meeting. Not on purpose.

Look, you made a choice.

Period. If you want to fuck up your own sobriety, that's your business.

Don't fuck up all of ours.

Please.

Damn!

Man, my one -eyed grandmother can do better than that.

If you make it $8 million a season, you got to make that catch. That

motherfucker's wallet is weighing him down. You want a drink?

Yeah, man, get me a beer or something. You got anything imported in there?

Yeah, reported from Milwaukee.

That's far enough away from me, shit. If you brood it in your bathtub, that's

far enough away from you. Yo.

Hey. Hey.

Oh,

you are one fine -looking woman, aren't you?

Lenny, come on now. She knows she's fine.

Yeah, I mean, I'm fine.

Okay, so this is Lenny. He works on the music column down at the newspaper.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you met her. Hey, good.

Um, can I talk to you for a minute in private?

Not with me in the room, you can't.

Oh, you mean with me out of here?

Oh, okay, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go over here in the kitchen. Yeah. And

if you need me, just hit me on the hip, okay? No need for that. All right.

So, what's up?

Um, you remember how bad I was when we first met?

unwashed, strung out, stealing Dave's money?

Nope, nope. Forgot all about it. Well, you shouldn't.

I mean, I really shouldn't, because if I do, I could just end up right back

where I started.

Why are you saying that? You, uh... You trying to scare me?

I'm trying to scare me. I mean, look, I totally fucked up being secretary

because I was with you, and I just can't afford to keep fucking up anymore.

Some of them might have gone to that meeting because they didn't want to

And then I didn't show up, so they went to a bar. And next thing you know, their

car is wrapped around a fucking tree. And that would have been all my fault.

Okay, I hear you. All right.

Well, then there's only one thing to do.

What, only one? I mean, how about one and a half? I mean, if I think what

going to say, what I think you're going to say... Billy, I'm talking about going

to a meeting with you.

What?

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, I'm going to be supportive, you know, if you let me.

Let you?

Come on.

You know, I will get you the best seat in the house. I mean, after all, I am

secretary. Well, hey, I'll be the other secretary.

Hey, and you're on time.

I guess I know what that means, huh? Well, I thought about what you said and

had a talk with Marcus. I know, it's going to be hard for a while, but I

do think you did the right thing by breaking it off with Marcus.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, I have a thing for free coffee and uncomfortable chairs.

No, no, we thought it would be good if I came and saw what this was all about.

Isn't that great?

Is it ever.

Yeah. Could you excuse us for a second? Yeah.

What are you, nothing?

What, did you just meet me? You can't have Marcus come to these meetings. Why

not? Well, for one thing, he's not an alcoholic.

Jeez, tell the whole world why don't you. Look, people come to these meetings

that they can share in front of other alcoholics, not in front of normies who

come here to gawk.

He's not gawking. He's supporting.

And no one has to know that he's not an alcoholic.

Billy, this is a program of rigorous honesty. You have to be prepared to tell

people that he does not have a drinking problem.

Oh, well...

You know, maybe he thinks he has a problem, and he's just not willing to

yet that he's not an alcoholic.

That is so stupid, okay? I'm telling you, he does not belong here. Okay, look

who died and made you secretary. Last I checked, I was the new sheriff in town,

and I say he stays.

You're drunk with power. That's your problem.

You just bought yourself a clean -up duty, mister.

Last I looked... I'm the new sheriff of the town. Yeah, I'll show you where you

can shove your badge. You know, I hate to take Billy's side on this, but why

you so upset about Marcus coming to this meeting?

Because some people don't like to talk about their disease in front of people

that don't have it. How do they know he doesn't have it? They could find out.

How? It's not like you wear a big red A around your neck or anything.

Well, I don't know. They could go to a bar and see him drinking in moderation.

The point is that the program is for alcoholics. It is not for outsiders, and

is not for Marcus.

Oh, what does that mean?

I mean, that's what this is about. Not that it's an outsider, but that it's a

market. Oh, that is so far from ridiculous that you need a new adjective

describe it. Oh, yeah? Are you going to tell me that you don't have feelings for

Billy like that anymore?

We're not together, are we? When somebody answers a question with a

you don't have an answer.

How about when someone answers a question with a pink slip? That's the

question.

Are you ready for Beethoven's triple concerto in C?

In C?

Are you ready to rock and roll? Or, well, some classical fish?

Yeah. We're going to crescendo our butts on over to the Hollywood Bowl. Okay, or

we could just take your car.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I've got something to show you.

Oh, paper!

Yay! Now, now, now, read it.

Glad you loved it, and go ahead.

I owe it all to you.

Okay.

The Saturday Night Addictions Anonymous meeting in the heart of Hollywood is a

sanctuary for lost souls who would otherwise be found at a bar.

Mark, are they going to print this?

They already did.

Something wrong?

I can't believe you wrote about a meeting. I mean, I just, I took you

my date, not as a reporter.

But I am a reporter.

Okay, so every time we have a conversation, it could end up in print?

No, no, baby, look.

We got some great press on the program without breaking anyone's anonymity.

I thought you'd be happy.

Well, I'm not. I mean, I took you to something private and you made it

I mean, I don't care if you change the names. Everyone's still going to know

it's me and they're never going to trust me again.

Billy, look, I wanted to be supportive and I thought that was the best way to

it. Yeah, but why didn't you ask me first?

I wanted to surprise you. Well, you have.

Unpleasantly so.

Hey, you know what? Dave was right. I never should have taken you to the

meeting.

Not a fucking display.

Hi, Dave.

Hey.

Or should I say Derek?

You could say Derek, but it's not a good way to get my attention. It's not my

name. I know. It's what Marcus called you in the article.

What article?

The one he wrote about you and Billy and the program. You're obviously Derek.

What? He dropped out of medical school to pursue a Ph .D. in alcoholism. If it

was liquid, he drank it. If it was opportunity, he wasted it. And if it

he slept with it.

If somebody else was reading it, he grabbed it. I don't believe this. He

about everybody.

Oh,

I can see. You're very upset.

Can you get a little more specific for me?

Dave, glad you're here, man.

We need to talk.

Is it going to be off the record?

Um... All right, so you read the article. Okay, I guess I fucked up.

haven't had an opportunity to read it all yet, but that's okay, because I

opportunities, don't I? That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I didn't

think everyone would take it so personal.

Can't help it. I'm a person. Everyone else in the program are persons, too, so

we kind of have to take it personally.

All right, okay.

Hold up, man. I didn't put anything in the article that those people wouldn't

tell a room full of strangers. 30 strangers, not 30 ,000.

Please, man, our circulation is way more than that. That's great, so more people

can laugh at the freeze. What is wrong with you?

Next time, why don't you just bring a camera crew?

Wait, I think I depicted the program in a positive light.

How do you know someone won't read that article, get inspired, and go to a

meeting? How do you know someone that you wrote about won't read the article

drink over it?

Yeah,

all right, I said some shit about you, but I also put down how great you're

doing now.

Yeah? How you turned your life around. This is a success story.

You know I'm so fucking proud of you and Billy and everyone I heard in that

meeting, huh?

Yeah. I mean, I wanted to be a part of it, right about it. That's the point.

You're not a part of it.

Why do you got to barge in on everything?

What? You know, I mean, I know I broke up with Billy. I don't have a right to

say this.

That said, this was the one thing that she and I had without you.

I liked it like that. Is it too much to ask that I have one thing? One thing?

Fuck. I guess it is.

So I hear congratulations is in order.

What? Because I heard the editor say he wants you to do a full series on the 12

-stepper groups. You joking?

No. Sounded like good news to me. What's wrong?

My Dave is all pissed off at me for this, man.

And Billy, she's not even calling me back, all up behind this one article.

Oh, man, you see how those people are?

White people?

No, man, 12 -steppers.

They all hang out together, man. You say something against one of them, look

out. I didn't say anything against any of them. That's what I'm saying. Look. I

went out with this chick one time. The whole time we were together, her sponsor

was telling her to get rid of my ass. Lenny, her sponsor probably wasn't the

only one syncing up his big ass.

Look, man, my point is you're probably better off without her, okay?

Want a word of peace? No.

I wouldn't be better off. I think me and Billy had a good thing going on.

Look, man, there's a whole lot of women out there who don't even care about what

you have to write about them. Like who?

The illiterate, for one.

So, since you and Billy aren't going out together anymore, let's just say me and

you go out and get a couple of these letters.

You see why other people might have told your girl to dump your ass?

Lenny, why do you want me to get rid of Billy?

What's in it for you, man?

Look, man, this way me and you can go out a little bit more. We can hang,

go pick up on the ladies. Oh, order pizza, get drunk, talk about the women

dumped us. All of that stuff. That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, come on, man. Why do I see that? I don't know.

I'm not cutting. I'm with her. Look, I am so glad you could meet me here

tonight. I mean, this is just what I need to get my mind off the market.

Oh,

which Meg Ryan movie are we seeing again?

The one where she's whimsical and effervescent and has that pixie -ish

Yeah, well, that's a stretch.

No, it feels really good to be going out with a girlfriend.

Yeah, I mean, which I rarely do due to my lack of friends that are girls.

What I mean to be saying is I would much rather be out with you, Marcus. Of

course. Why would you want to be with him?

I can't think of a reason. In fact, I have no idea why I went out with him at

all. Well, he's very handsome and successful, which doesn't mean that he

write an article about you, which, by the way, I liked.

But I respect your right to overreact.

Thanks.

So you think I overreact? No.

Did I say that? Well, yeah, you just said you respect my right to overreact.

I do.

That means you think I overreacted. No, it means I respect your right to

overreact.

Okay, let's just say by some chance that I did overreact.

Would you also respect my right to apologize?

Yes, definitely.

Apologies never hurt. Unless you hit somebody while you're saying, I'm sorry,

which generally means that it was insincere to begin with. What are you

to say?

Well, if you really want to know how I feel... Yes, Haley, I do. This is what

I'm trying to get you to tell me. First of all, I see why you don't have a lot

of friends. I can help you with that.

Secondly, I don't know why you and Dave got so upset.

His intentions were good.

And a lot of people have written about that program that had television shows

and movies.

Meg Ryan did one, in fact.

I love that one. The haircut, I mean.

Bedhead. Yeah.

Let me ask you this.

What do you think Meg Ryan would do if she were in this situation?

I don't know, but whatever she did, she would do it whimsically.

Listen, everybody.

I feel terrible about my job performance as secretary.

But now I've got my priorities all straight, and nothing is going to mess

up. I'd like to call a group conscience.

And, Dan, as secretary, I'd love to hear all about that.

I move that we replace Billy as secretary.

Meeting adjourned. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. I second the

motion. No, Lou, you can't do that. I just adjourned the meeting. You can't,

Billy. There's a motion on the floor.

This is because of Marcus's article, right?

I didn't think the article was so bad. Sure, because he called you a dark

-haired womanizer with a chiseled profile.

Stan, that was obviously Dave.

Thank you for noticing.

What? I'm not chiseled?

Look, I fucked up, okay?

But I really feel like I can rise to the occasion now. And if the occasion isn't

that high, what's the point of rising to it? I mean, who wants to rise to a low

occasion?

But besides, I mean, if you guys vote me out, how am I going to be able to make

it up to you?

All right.

All those in favor of giving Billy a second chance, raise your hand.

All those opposed.

Danny, can you two hand?

Sorry, Billy.

Meeting adjourned.

Billy, Keith.

I'd like to announce that if I'm elected secretary, I promise never to bring

anyone I'm dating to a meeting.

You have to get a date first.

Sorry, Billy, I really am. I know you didn't mean to hurt anybody.

And, well, honestly, I'm sorry that I was a prick about the whole thing.

Oh, okay, it's not your fault. I mean, I did fuck up the whole post. Well,

you're not the first.

I'm not?

No, my God, of course not.

Come on, let's face it, we wouldn't be here unless we, you know, had a tendency

to fuck things up.

So what?

So it didn't work out. The important thing is, in the end, you really tried,

didn't you?

I'm very proud of you for that.

Thanks.

I bet I hold the record for the shortest term as secretary.

No, that was Eric. Actually, he only lasted five days.

Really? What did he do?

He died.

Hi.

Oh, well, I'm glad you're talking to me.

Well, I don't know if high counts of talking. It is only one syllable.

Well, it's more syllables than you've given me in the last couple of days.

Well, I have to say something.

I mean, I may be mad, but I am polite.

And that's the only reason I'm asking you if you'd like to come in.

I'll take it. I'll take it.

You know, my editor liked the article so much, she wants me to do a follow -up

piece.

Oh, well, good for you.

I just got voted out as secretary of my meeting, so be sure to include that in

your next piece.

It's not going to be a next piece.

Why not?

I'm not going to do it.

You're more important to me than some article.

Wow.

I'm usually not more important than anything.

To anyone.

You better get used to it.

Because you are to me, and I'd like to go on seeing you.

Well, I am visible and free on Saturday nights now.

Come on, I thought we were going slow.

Oh, I'll go slow.