All language subtitles for Rude Awakening s03e08 How Was Your Date

It was a rude awakening.

The start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

Now just pat me.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to
say, I've got a reason to face it.

That I never learned anyway. When will I
find someone who understands?

When will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was thought of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be this.

I'm not brushing correctly, but if this
is my dental hygienic... Open up!

Well, now I have a bigger problem than
that.

Hey. Hey.

Long time no see.

Where are you from?

Yeah, well, um, I'm sorry about that.

Oh, well, don't be. Look, I'd wait me
too if I could.

Oh, come on. I wasn't waiting you. I've
just been busy, you know.

Brushing.

Well, whatever you're doing, babe, you
look good. I mean, you look great.

And you,

I mean, you look... Words can't describe
how you look.

Thanks. Look, I was in the neighborhood,
and I remember I left something here.

What?

$500.

$500?

Yeah, it might have been four. Do you
remember the time I borrowed your purse?

No. I might have left it in there. No,
Maureen, Maureen, you did not leave $500

in my purse. It might have been four.
Yeah, or four, or three, for that

Fine.

Can I borrow it?

You want to borrow $400 from me?

Five would be better.

No.

Really? Yeah, of course, really. I mean,
I don't have that kind of money.

And even if I did, I wouldn't give it to
you. Why not?

Maureen. Yeah?

It's me. I know what's going on here.
You're completely fucked up.

Not completely, or I wouldn't need the
cash.

Okay, look, I got a better idea. Why
don't you stay here tonight, okay? We'll

smoke cigarettes and watch a movie. You
can take a nice hot bath and get a good

night's sleep.

I mean, how long has it been since you
slept, you know?

Then in the morning, go to a meeting.

Don't even start with that shit. Come
on, just hear me out. I mean, the

program's really working for me this
time.

But you know how I feel about those
holier -than -thou assholes. Yeah, I

felt the same way, too, but I don't
anymore. I am different.

Oh, right.

I am. I mean, I don't even have the
desire to drink anymore. It's like it

just taken out of me.

Really? For how long?

Look, maybe you could fool those program
friends of yours with that. I've seen

the light.

I'll never be bad again. Bullshit. But I
know you.

You're a fucking hope -to -die addict
alcoholic like me. And sooner or later,

you're slipping.

No, I won't. Oh, and when you do, don't
even think about coming to me for help.

I tried to help her. I was like,
Maureen, you're fucking up your life.

went like this? Well, you know, people
rarely respond well to the phrase,

fucking up your life.

Yes, you're right.

I mean, that never worked on me, and I
heard it a hundred times, even from my

dealer. But you did the right thing. You
know that, right?

And think when you do the right thing,
you'd feel like you're doing the right

thing, you know, to give you incentive
to do it again.

Thank you.

I felt like shit when I had to be strong
with you. The one thing that kept me

going, got me through it, was I knew I'd
feel a lot worse if I gave you the

money. I know.

And the scariest part is she reminded me
so much of myself.

I mean, it felt like I was talking to
the ghost of my alcoholic past.

You were.

Dave, we have a little situation.

Yes. A lady seemed by herself on the
patio can't pay her bills.

Why not?

She says...

Got her wallet.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe we should get a cop to help her
find it.

Maybe I should just frisk her myself.

Yeah. Okay, thank you, Hayley.

Hi.

My name is Dave. I'm the owner. What
seems to be the problem?

Oh, I am terribly sorry. I've just
explained to your waitress it seems I've

my wallet back at the hotel.

You're from out of town.

I'm from Australia.

Oh, yeah, down under.

It's my favorite place.

Have you been to Australia?

No.

I'm very embarrassed about this, and I
was thinking that maybe I could leave

this as collateral, and I could go back
to the hotel and grab my wallet.

No.

Okay, it's very valuable, the sapphire.

You know, it's definitely worth more
than the Cobb salad I had. Absolutely.

That's not what I mean. I mean, no, you
don't have to leave anything. I believe

you. And in fact, in the interest of U
.S.-Australian relations...

Thank you. That's awfully nice of you.

Let me go one better and buy you your
next meal.

Are you offering to take me to dinner?

I could just give you the cash, but I
think we'll have more fun if we go

together.

Good. I need... Hello.

Hello.

Oh.

Hello.

Listen, I have something I'd like to ask
you. I'm negative.

I'm positive about that.

Well, I'm... I don't want to ask you in
person.

Oh. Can you hold on for a second?
There's someone at my door.

I hope it's not a Jehovah's Witness.

Well, maybe it's Jehovah himself. He's
cut out the middleman and he's coming to

you directly.

Ah, very funny.

Oh, wow.

There is a very cute guy in the hallway.

Really? Does he have funny hair?

Uh, yep.

Well, maybe you should let him in.

Right. Bye.

Hi. Hi.

How you doing?

Is that what you came over to ask me?

No.

Um, Billy, look.

Look, I know you and I got off on an
unusual foot. Or some other appendage.

All right, this is not going to come out
right, but see, I usually like to, you

know, date a woman before... Violating
her?

Making it hard for me to ask you out.

Oh, is that what you're trying to do?
Well, yeah, I think so. I mean, you

I was a little apprehensive at first
because I thought I'd come up here and I

might run into Dave and he'd say,
Marcus, what are you doing here? And I'd

to come up with a story on the fly,
which I was prepared to do, but... Oh,

sweet of you to lie for me.

So is that a yes?

Oh, let me think about it. I mean, it
sounds like a lot of fun, but on the

hand, Dave might find out and then he'll
get all upset and, you know, but he did

dump me, so, um, yeah.

Cool.

But just because you already slept with
me doesn't mean I'm easy.

Really?

Okay, I'm out.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm
kidding. Okay, how about tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night.

Let me check my calendar.

Who am I kidding? I don't even have a
calendar.

Okay, 8 o 'clock?

Okay. All right.

8 o 'clock.

I've got a date.

I've got a date.

I can't be late.

Joe.

So?

Oh, this is weird, right?

I mean, we did it all backwards. Usually
a guy takes you out to dinner first,

and then you put out.

Right, we missed the meal, so what after
the night?

You know, I hardly ever go out on date
dates.

What do people do on them?

Talk, you know, hang.

Try to get to know the other person.

Where'd you go to college?

Oh, I see. Like that.

So?

Where'd you go?

Well, um, I, you know, I didn't, I
didn't go to an Ivy League school, I can

you that.

I didn't picture you at an Ivy League
school.

Oh, yeah, that's why I didn't go. Yeah,
you're more of a fly UCLA type girl.

Well, I, I, I wouldn't say that.

No, uh, what would you say?

Well, I'd say, where did you go to
college? Because I didn't actually go to

college. Oh, that's interesting.

You know, only 30 % of people that
graduate from high school go to college.

Yeah, and of those of us who didn't
graduate, I bet even less.

Oh.

Okay, so where did you go to junior
high? Well, you know, I barely went at

I put the high in junior high, if you
know what I mean.

Do you still want to buy me dinner?

I have to admit, I never thought that...
Oh, hold that box.

Hello?

What?

Where are you?

Oh, that sounds bad.

Okay.

Well, I'm trying to think of what is the
worst possible thing I could say to you

right now, and I think I've got it.

I gotta go.

You got to go where?

Maureen. I mean, she sounds terrible.
She needs help.

Okay. Well, uh, let's get to the car.

No, no, no. Look, you don't have to come
with me. I mean, look, the date, it's

very sweet of you, but I'm making a
really bad first impression, and, you

going to pick up my drug addict friend
and help her walk it off is only going

make things worse, I think.

Billy, you think I'm going to let you do
this alone, and I'm the one that's made

a bad impression.

Okay.

Did you know that Australia was
originally a penal colony?

No. Yeah?

Yeah. It was basically just a dumping
ground for criminals.

I guess things haven't changed much,
huh? What do you mean by that?

Oh, Dave, it means you've been played.

Yeah, you and your I'm almost a shrink,
so I have a keen insight into every

psychic that I meet a bit. Come on.

Excuse me. Listen, I know women, all
right? I know this woman is on the up

up. Yeah?

What's her name?

I don't know.

Where is she staying?

I don't know.

What do you know about her? Right, so
she's a con woman because she couldn't

her bill and because she wouldn't tell
me where she was staying and because I

gave her camp fare back to the hotel.
And I'm a fucking idiot, aren't I?

Dave, you just gotta learn from this and
past experiences that you are attracted

to toxic women, which is a shame because
this city is full of... Dave? Hey!

You know what? I just realized. I didn't
catch your name.

Raquel. Got any ID?

You like Italian?

That's what I am.

Why?

Uh, we're friends of Marines.

You look kind of clean to be friends of
Marines.

Thanks. Are you in COTS? Oh.

No. Though I did play one once on a
miniseries called You Have the Right to

Remain Silent Forever.

I was the fresh face from a game. Billy,
I don't think he wants your resume

right now. Oh, right.

Billy. Oh, Marcus.

Hey, man.

Thank God you guys came, huh?

Yeah, of course we came. Come on, let's
get your stuff and get out of here. Hey,

till I get paid, she ain't going
nowhere. What ball did you meet Prince

at? Oh, yeah, look, Kim. Look, I own
$400.

Did you ask us to come here to pay off
your dealer?

Look. I didn't want to. He won't let me
leave. We were on a date.

Enough chat.

The skank owes me five seats.

Four. You know what? The lady's a little
strung out right now. Why don't you

just give her a break, okay?

I got a better idea.

Why don't you give me the money?

Now, I don't care that kind of cash.

Oh, that's okay. I take all major credit
cards.

In fact, why don't I take all your major
credit cards?

Now, you need to take your smelly,
funky, tattooed ass the fuck away from

right now, man. Hey, I'm the victim
here, right?

I mean, I shell out good product, and
I'm just supposed to lay down and get

screwed out of my money?

That's the kind of attitude that's
crippling small business in this country

today, pal. Vin, Vin, just relax, huh?
Everybody?

Just relax? Yeah.

I got bills to pay, and there'll be bits
like you cutting into my profits, and

fuck if that doesn't make me very tense.
Ow!

Now, you're gonna pay this cunt's tab,
or do I have to start getting

All right, okay.

But you let the lady go.

I'm gonna go get my wallet, and you just
take out what you need, okay?

All right, let her go.

Don't get crazy, man.

Fuck that head. Whoa.

He's a keeper. Come on, boy. Let's go.

Now you really are the victim, bitch.

Yeah, very nice.

Thank you.

So tell me, what brings you to America?

Well, my grandma's ill.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Fortunately, it's treatable. They need
bone marrow from the family, so that's

why I came.

Well, lucky for me.

I mean, not so much for her, but still,
you know, for me.

You're giving her marrow. It's good.
That's wonderful.

Well, come on. She's my grandma. You
know, she's taught me a lot. She taught

how to read. She taught me how to play
the piano.

You played a piano?

Yeah, I was quite serious for a while. I
did a couple of concert tours in

Australia. You did concert tours?

It's really not as impressive as it
sounds.

That's impressive.

A tour.

Do you play?

Instruments? No.

No, that's not true. I dabbled in
woodwinds.

Really? Which ones?

A guitar.

Guitar? Yeah. Not a woodwind. You can't
blow into it.

Now you tell me.

I can't blow into it. Shit, no wonder I
couldn't join a band.

You still play the piano?

Not professionally, no.

Why not? What happened?

Well, I had to give it up. I broke these
two fingers during a bout.

What do you mean, a bout?

Taekwondo.

You know Taekwondo?

Two -time women's national champion,
actually.

I was about to go to the Olympics, but
the war broke out.

The war?

In the Gulf.

Oh, yeah, that war. Sure.

My favorite.

So sweet the way you head -blooded that
prick.

Well, the pain kind of took the
sweetness out of it for me. I mean,

my head again as a weapon.

Never use your head again as a weapon.
Okay. And you, never use your friends,

period. I'll get you those aspirin,
okay?

If you can't use your friends, who can
you use? All right, well, how about this

as a thought?

Don't use at all.

God, if I'd known you would be such a
buzzkill, you'd what?

Oh, I probably still would have called
because all my friends are dead.

What, you got a headache?

Oh, but I will.

Knock yourself out. Let me get you that
drink, okay?

Yeah.

Here you go.

Instruction.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, we can still have a fridge. See,
selling your fridge for drugs is a

good indicator that you're not a social
user.

And the fact that your friends are dead
could also be a sign.

Or maybe just bad luck.

It's amazing how unlucky drug addicts
are.

You're a drug addict, too. Just because
you have a fridge and your friends are

alive. Okay, go then.

What are you waiting for, huh? If you
want to leave, it's fine with me.

I mean, it's not as fine as if you could
stay and let me help you, but... Please

just stay and let me help you. She's
very good at that, Maureen.

I am? I mean, I am.

No thanks. Look, I don't need your help.
I don't need your fridge. I don't need

your friendship.

Matter of fact... I don't need anything
from you at all.

That may be your toilet.

Oh, okay. Go right ahead.

Look, I'm so sorry about this. No, it's
cool.

Is it?

Yeah. I mean, it's not the ideal first
date, but it is memorable.

Yeah, it is.

Especially the head -butting. I mean, I
haven't been on a lot of dates, but I

bet that hardly ever happened.

That was a first for me.

Oh, so I'm your first, huh?

Yeah.

You're my first.

Are you okay in there?

Feeling better already?

You see, the RAAF wasn't sending any
combat personnel to the Gulf. Right. So

tried to join the RAF. They wouldn't
accept women.

The bastards.

Luckily for me, the Royal Navy would. So
I joined Her Majesty's fleet.

Well, how lucky.

And that is what made me fly the 1430s,
which made Qantas want to hire me as a

commercial pilot.

That's it. Can I get the check, please?

What did I say?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing. I'm just late for an
appointment, you know, to climb Mount

where my rocket ship awaits to fly me to
the moon.

You're mocking me? Yeah.

Did you really expect me to believe that
you're a concert pianist and a

decorated war pilot?

Look, I'm lying to you. Oh, no. No, and
I'm sure that sapphire on your finger's

real, too. It was probably a gift to you
from some sultan in Kuwait as a thank

you for liberating his oil fields during
Desert Storm. And I'm sure that your

grandma needs a bone marrow transplant,
too. I'm just amazed that you're not

doing the operation yourself. All right.

You're being very rude, and I'm very
offended.

Really? Well, why don't you kick my ass
with that taekwondo of yours, Little

Miss Two -Time National Champion? Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay. Okay. Thank you.

You want to get some dessert?

What did you take?

I don't know.

It was my purse. I've been out toys and
perky things, perky toys.

Maureen, Maureen, whatever you took is
going to wear off, right? And whatever's

going through your head right now is
going to pass.

Okay, Maureen, I'm going to come out
there now, okay?

Don't. You're freaking me out. You're
freaking me out.

I'm on the ledge.

Don't talk to me about freaking out.

Maureen, look.

You know, the fall might not even kill
you, right? I mean...

You might just end up in a wheelchair.

Fine. Then I'll wheel myself up to a
higher place and roll myself home.

Okay, let me talk to her. I don't know
what to say.

What kind of friend are you? I mean, I
come over here to save your life and

you're going to take it and on my own
balcony?

Please, just please, go down.

Billy, why can't you just leave me
alone?

I'm so fucking tired.

I just want to sleep. I know, and I've
got a beautiful bed that you can sleep

in. Come on.

facial and then i mean maureen nobody
has lips like you i mean nobody right

marcus yeah maureen you are fine woman
you know that i am yeah you got a sexy

mouth you got beautiful eyes you got a
killer ass too really absolutely i don't

even know you well but i know i know
you're a fighter you're not a jumper

i'm a loser i hate myself oh girl i hate
myself too i mean i hated

myself all day today and then and then

If I can help Maureen, maybe I'm not as
big of a piece of shit as I thought I

was. So if you won't come down for you,
will you come down for me?

I mean, think of how much better I'll
feel about myself if I save you.

Dad, that is the most self -centered
attempt at helping somebody I've ever

heard.

This is the best part. There you go.

Oh, my God.

Hey, listen to me.

Everything is going to be okay, okay?

Promise. Promise.

Yeah.

Do you really think I get a nice bath?

Come on, girl. You know you do.
Otherwise, you wouldn't walk around

out like you do, huh?

For somebody who doesn't know martial
arts, you are very flexible.

Yeah, I'm not normally.

Oh? I think you dislocated my hips.

You're going to pop them in me before
you go, would you?

Speaking of which. Yeah.

I have to go.

Yeah? I have a very big day tomorrow. My
grandma is just the start of it.

Wait, you have something to do after a
bone marrow transplant?

Well, it's not ideal, but it's the only
time that the president could meet with

me.

Gotcha.

Oh, my God.

Do it.

Thanks for holding back her hair when
she was throwing up.

You're welcome.

What about you?

It takes a real friend to clean up all
that mess.

And a lot of paper towel.

So is this the worst date you've ever
been on?

Are you kidding me?

I've been with two beautiful women.

One unconscious and one... Self
-conscious.

Really?

Actually, I'm too tired.

Still, do I do anything to help her stay
sober?

Billy, you've done a lot.

You got her to spend the night.

You got her to agree to go to meetings.

I am proud of you.

You should be proud.

Thanks.

Thanks for everything.

All right, crazy woman, where do you
want to go on your next date?

You're asking me out again. I think I'm
trying to.

I know this seafood restaurant.

It's good food.

And it's on the ground floor, so if
anyone wants to jump, you can just let

jump.

Might be better if you didn't bring that
little cell phone, though.

I always wanted to have a piece.