Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now I just have to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to stay.

I've got a reason to face it. I haven't learned anyway. When will I find someone

who understands?

When will this drive ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was thought of the longest day.

It was a rude...

Oh, my God.

Hayley, I just spilled some olive oil in the hallway. Can you please clean it up

before somebody slips?

Olive oil. Interesting.

Maybe your fear of success is causing you to sabotage yourself with these

accidents. Or maybe it was just a loose bottle cap.

Or maybe it's symbolic of your love life because olive oil like Billy is at the

center of a triangle between Popeye and Pluto. First of all, it's Bluto. And

second of all, get the fucking mop. I would, but the supply closet is locked

because someone has trust issues.

Someone has inventory issues.

I've got to keep this locked or else people will take everything that I have.

What the hell is going on here?

What is this talking about?

Symbolic. They're fucking.

Dave, Dave, we're running low on linens, man. I can't believe this.

No, actually, we are. That's it.

Oh, shit.

You know what that's symbolic of, don't you?

Shut up.

What?

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah. I just had a horrible dream.

Lip dream.

I think I had one of those once.

It was terrifying.

Oh, wait, that really happened.

Did yours end with you and Marcus having sex in a supply closet?

No. Mine did.

You dreamt you were having sex with Marcus in a supply closet?

What kind of slip are we talking about here, Dave? Billy. Come on.

I'm sorry.

Look.

Marcus and I are over. In fact, you can't even say we are over because we

even got started.

If fucking isn't getting started, what does it take to get you started?

Honey, what can I do to help you get over this?

Nothing. It's just, I'm going to forget it ever happened.

Was he better than me? Dave. No, honestly, because, you know, Marcus and

always been real competitive with each other, and he always wins, whether it's

basketball or baseball or poker.

Oh, okay, what do you want, a trophy with a little gold man fucking me on top

it? No more. Of course not.

If you were to give it, Sophie, who'd win?

Dave, if Marcus was so great, why would I be lying here with you?

I don't know, because he's married.

He kicked you out. He doesn't like you.

I'm going to pick one. I picked you.

We're soulmates, don't you think?

I mean, it's much more important than a stupid night of passion with Marcus.

You had me with the soulmates, but then you lost me with the night of passion

with Marcus. Oh, don't forget.

stupid and you know by passion i meant boring sedated nothing like a night

with dave good try no no come on dave you and i are in a place where we can

finally make it work i mean i'm sober you're sober we're together might not

happen again in a lifetime please i don't want to lose it

you're right i don't want to lose it either good let's go back okay

Good night.

$1 ,200 a month for laundry?

What are they cleaning our stuff with, Evian?

You know, I actually did research on dry cleaning before I hired those guys.

It's not as if I put a sign in the window that said, we'll pay anything for

cleaning. No offer too stupid. Dave, Dave, I'm just trying to point out where

could save some money. I think I have a right to do that, don't you?

I'm not sure you do, actually, because then the silent and silent partner

wouldn't make any sense.

I mean, unless you were talking in sign language or using semaphore flags.

Well, who said I was a silent partner? What?

I guess we could call you the guy with a lot of money but absolutely no

restaurant experience whatsoever who therefore shouldn't be sticking his nose

the day -to -day affairs of the restaurant partner, but that takes

with money. That's the operative phrase of the day because the reason that I

have money is that I look after my investments. I don't just let my money

down the proverbial laundry chute, so to speak. It's called being responsible.

Oh, really?

Responsible. Uh -huh.

Isn't that where you take into account the outcome of your actions? Oh, yeah.

That's you all over. All right.

What's this about, man?

What it's about?

What it's about is that you may be responsible when it comes to your

not so much when it comes to other things that you keep in your pants or

keep in your pants, as the case may be.

This is about Billy, right?

Goddamn right, it's about Billy. Dave, when are you going to get past this,

She wasn't your girlfriend at the time. Oh, like that matters?

Oh, I mean, it does, of course, but, you know, we were in between that crucial X

and possible future something stage.

Dave, you're not even speaking English. It's like you're babbling in Esperanto

or some shit.

How was I supposed to know you'd get back together?

Do I have a crystal ball? You got a wedding ring? I thought I could trust

My mistake.

How the fuck did we get back into this? No, we were talking about the linen

bill. Yeah, well, thanks, but my dirty laundry is under control. No, no, it's

our dirty laundry, Dave, ours.

In case you forget, man, before I sunk my money in, this sorry motherfucker was

going deaf, okay? Which gives me every right to look over your shoulder to how

money's being spent.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go see my soon -to -be ex -wife, who,

ironically, is also trying to take my ass to the cleaner.

Later.

Dave, that couple over there just said how much they loved your restaurant and

that the rigatoni was the best they ever had.

And you believe them?

Yes. Why would they lie?

Because people are evil.

They'll lead you to believe that they love your food, but the minute they walk

out the door, they're going to go somewhere else for dessert. And let me

you something, Haley, they could get dessert right here. What the fuck is

with my dessert?

Right now, it's a little bitter.

Hey, sweetie, thought I'd stop by. Hey.

Just Miss Marcus.

I have come here to see my boyfriend.

Unless you had a sex change, in which case I've come to see my girlfriend.

She looks very sexy with that stubble.

Hey, business looks good.

So do you.

What are you, going out later?

Nope, just home.

Pretty nice for going home.

Thanks. My going home ensemble.

Oddly similar to my going to work ensemble.

You look gorgeous.

Thank you.

Especially for a process server. I didn't...

Realized process serving was such a glamorous profession.

Come on, Dave. I'm wearing jeans.

With a very tight, glamorous shirt.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

I'm tired.

Let's start again.

Okay. Hi.

Hi. How was your day? Tell me about your day. Have a good day?

Yeah, it was pretty good. Could I serve anybody interesting?

Not really. A podiatrist. Oh.

Cute one?

Cute podiatrist?

Yeah. Come on, don't look at me like I'm crazy. The man's a doctor.

Barely. From the ankles down.

What are you doing?

I'm accusing you of sleeping with somebody that you've served, as you have

I can't even come up with a response to that.

Here's one.

Oh, fuck yourself.

I think I just bit.

I think I just bit.

I'm fine. Never felt better.

Okay.

But I am a therapist in training, and all of my textbooks say that sobbing is

sign of pain.

As in the case of injury or grief.

As in the loss of a loved one, like a relative, or perhaps a pet.

Well, that's what happened. I lost a pet relative.

That's funny.

Laughter's the best medicine.

Really. I prefer Vicodin.

Or a percadam.

So do you want to tell me what happened? I'm a good listener.

I really am. I got an A in it.

You know, it's just that they say that relationships are built on honesty, you

know?

It might be falling apart because of it.

How do you feel about that?

It's sad.

What are you, stupid? I mean, I'm crying. Are you blind?

Actually, you seem more angry.

Well, now I am because you're pissing me off.

Excuse me. Oh, see? No one wants to hear the truth. I tell you how I feel, you

get upset. I tell Dave I fuck Marcus, he blows up.

Oh.

It sounds like your problem with Dave is not so much honesty as it is

promiscuity. Well, I'm a tramp.

Well, he already knew that.

So is he.

I thought that was what we had in common, you know?

That was our bond, that we were both sluts.

He used to love that about me.

I'm sure he did.

I'm sure he did. But now that you're his girlfriend, maybe he's more possessive

of you.

You know, he thinks of you as a possession, like his motorcycle.

Yeah, I know what a possession is.

All I have to say is, Dave is a lot nicer to his motorcycle than he is to

That's temporary.

There are five phases a person goes through when they're a victim of

denial, obsession, apathy, hatred, and forgiveness.

Haley, get out of here. People are waiting. Okay!

Sounds like David's already had hatred, so you're almost all free.

Goodie.

What am I supposed to do? Be kind, show him that you care, and be prepared that

he may reject you over and over again until he gets the forgiveness.

Do you think he's going to get the forgiveness?

I mean, does everyone get to that stage?

Well, no.

Sometimes they don't.

Otherwise, people wouldn't get divorced or hit each other or...

I'm sure it'll work out.

Now, let's discuss the division of assets.

You mean, who gets what?

Right. Now, first there is, um, there's the matter of the house.

Well, you got the house.

So, we done?

Sit down, Marcus.

You're not going to walk away from this like you walk away from everything else.

Marcus, please.

Now... This is going to go very quickly, because we've all agreed we're going to

be amicable. Hey, I gave her the house. How much more amicable can I be? I

deserve the house. I helped pay for it with my own money. And speaking of

Mrs. Adams and I were wondering what happened to the savings account.

It seems that it's missing approximately $30 ,000.

Mr.

Adams withdrew it.

And that we know.

We'd like to know where it is now.

Well, my client has certain long -term equity investments. I gave it to Dave

his restaurant.

What?

Your drunken, crazy, loser friend who punched my father at our wedding, who

crashed our car?

Hey, he's not drunk anymore.

You might as well flush it down the fucking toilet. Now, I would have to

against that.

If you gave him that money, half that restaurant is mine. Oh, so now you want

be involved in my life.

Most people take an interest during a marriage, not after. You know what? I

don't care what you say. You are not hiding our cash by giving it to your

friend. I didn't hide it.

I invested it.

Oh, no, baby.

We invested it.

Okay, let's move on to the next item. Yeah, great idea.

Roses are red.

Violets are taupe.

I'm sorry I've been such a terrible dope.

So sweet.

What?

Violets aren't taupe? Yeah, but blue doesn't rhyme with taupe. And I couldn't

think of anything to rhyme with. Come on.

Well, it's a thought that counts.

Listen, Billy, I've been thinking a lot about this, and I think there's only one

way that I'm going to really be able to get over it. How's that? You've got to

tell me everything that happened.

Everything what?

Everything about...

How he was, in a, you know, bedular, intra -penetratory fashion.

Come on, Dave, how is that going to help? Believe me, Billy, whatever really

happens, nowhere near as haunting as what I imagine happens, I hope.

No, I'm sure.

You see?

Okay, I mean, I get it. It's just I'm not convinced that's the hottest idea,

okay? Well, believe me, if I know what really happened, then I can stop

obsessing about it. No, believe me, that won't work. I am an expert at

obsessing, and I know. I know it will really help me. Okay, Dave, what do you

want to hear me say? That it was awful, it was terrible, you're the best ever? I

mean, there, does that make you happy? Lily, just tell me the truth.

It was awful.

It was terrible.

You're the best ever.

Billy, I've been to hell and back with you.

This isn't going to scare me off. I'm not even going to get mad. I just need

know. I can't believe I'm doing this.

I'm breaking the 11th commandment. Thou shall not discuss past affairs with

their boyfriends.

I mean, I don't even know where to start.

When did it happen?

Okay, it was that day he left the phone at the restaurant and... Wait, that's

the day that we got back together.

What, you went from Marcus back to good old Dave? You see, I knew this wasn't a

good idea. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The timing, you know, the same day and all.

It's done. I'm done. Okay, please, go on.

Okay, so he was refinishing an old dresser and he just needed some help.

right. Pinkiums.

Varnish, of course. You know what? You might have gotten lightheaded. You might

have been a little woozy. See, you've got to ventilate. See, that marked us.

should know that. Yes. I mean, the fumes, I was a little bit dizzy with the

and all, but, you know, anyway.

So then we were sanding, and I borrowed one of his shirts.

You were sanding naked?

Who the fuck sands naked?

All right, that's it. I'm stopping.

I'm not allowed to have an emotional reaction?

Not that one. This is good. I'm getting it out. You know, this is very helpful

to me. You want me to get a tumor, I'm getting it out. Not yelling.

You're right. Okay, no more yelling. I'm sorry.

I'm going to be completely cop, I promise.

Cop.

Okay, so we're standing, not naked, and we were just talking

about life.

You know, his life, my life, and one thing led to another.

And, you know, it wasn't like some big romantic thing because Nancy showed up.

Wait, if Nancy hadn't interrupted, you guys would still be going at it? Oh, I

see. So I guess I should be glad that she interrupted because otherwise you

wouldn't have come back to me? No, that is not true, Dave. It's not.

So you're trying to tell me that if Nancy hadn't interrupted, that you would

have finished up with Marcus, you would have said, you know what, that was fun,

but actually Dave is much more to my liking. No, I wouldn't have said it. Not

those words anyway. You know what? Yes, I would have picked you. I mean, is that

what you want to hear?

Are you just telling me what I want to hear? Oh, my God. Because Dave will

believe anything?

You know what? We'll believe this, okay? This conversation is over.

We are not talking about this anymore.

You know what? We're not talking about anything anymore.

And the thing is, I don't know if you're right, you know, and I should just

forget about it, but I can't. I can't.

And what I don't understand is why I'm jeopardizing this relationship when it's

something I've worked at for so long.

Well, maybe you've been working at something you don't really want. Maybe

only think you want it, but you're undermining it because you really don't.

In other words, are you sure you want what you think you want because I think

what you think you want isn't what you say you think you really desire?

Jesus, you're right.

I don't know why I didn't think of that.

Oh, my God. I'm glad you're here, Haley.

Wow. I needed that.

I thought you weren't supposed to drink.

Well, I wasn't supposed to get fucked over either, but it happened.

Wow. I feel better than I've felt in a long time.

Hey, hey, turn up the music.

Round of drinks on the house, guys.

Hey,

hey, come on, Haley. Have one.

Baby, I own the clock. Don't worry about it.

Oh, man.

Oh, fuck.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Haley, these plates have been sitting here for ten minutes.

Sorry, Dave. Guess I lost track of time gabbing with these folks about what

they'd like to order.

I'm sorry.

Just a thought. Why's that?

Uh, lack of sleep.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Is there something troubling you, Dave? Something between you and Billy? Because

I've been getting this vibe from you, and she was sobbing in the bathroom the

other day.

Because I've been catching assholes, and I can't stop.

There's an issue between us. Yes, her sleeping with Marcus.

A little louder. I don't think the florist across the street heard you.

Dave, why don't you concentrate on something positive in your life, like

good business is?

Doesn't the sight of all those people and their Visa cards make you happy?

Not at the moment.

Jack and Coke.

You sure you don't want to make that a Coke and Coke?

Do I know you?

Well, maybe you don't remember me, but I saw you a couple of weeks ago take a

chip.

I'm not talking about a nacho.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

You said your name was Alan, and you were trying to get clean after you lost

your job at the plant when you ducked your prick. Okay, okay.

I went to a couple meetings. I decided it wasn't for me. Now, back off.

I can't let you do this to yourself, okay?

Let me?

Who elected you, booze sheriff?

Hey, what's going on?

I ordered a drink. Is that a crime? No, but we can't serve you here.

Why not, Dave?

Yeah, why not?

I'm not bothering anyone.

I'm not drunk. I'm not driving.

My money's good. I've got a shirt and shoes. I want service.

Are you discriminating against me because I'm Jewish?

No, no, no. Right, Dave?

Not at all. He's a member of my group.

No, I'm not.

You saw me at one meeting. So what? I'm just trying to help you, okay?

I don't need your help.

You know what?

To hell with you.

I don't want to give this place my money anyway.

Oh, wow.

Dave, that's got to be real good for business, man.

I don't care if it is or not.

Oh, Dave, in case you didn't know it, one of the key ingredients to a

restaurant is customers. Yeah, and one of the key ingredients to a successful

funeral home is cadavers. That doesn't make it all right for morticians to go

around snuffing people.

We're not killing anybody, man. Yeah, we will if we serve alcohol to alcoholics.

No one is asking you to make that call. See?

When people come here, they come for a little dining, a little dinner, and some

wine or whatever. They're not coming to get some of Dave's special counsel. What

are you doing here? You came here to scold me for saving a guy's life?

No.

I came here because I got to tell you some bad news.

What? I don't need to get a blood test, do I?

No. You might want to get your blood pressure checked after you hear this.

Nancy's lawyer is saying that she's part owner of this restaurant.

Oh, man. For a silent partner, you just keep getting louder and louder.

Where are you going, Dave? Going somewhere where I'm not six feet away

fully stocked bar.

Hi, Billy.

You missed Dave. It's probably a good thing, too, because he's obviously still

in that hatred, Dave.

Oh, I noticed.

Um, actually, I came here to talk to you.

Really? Yeah. Wow.

Great. Okay.

I'll sit.

So, remember when you told me I should prepare myself to be rejected over and

over and... Yeah. When will that be over, roughly?

I mean, a week, a month, a year?

Hmm. I don't think my textbook said that, but that's a good question. I'll

my professor.

Okay.

But you work here with Dave.

I mean, does he seem to be getting any closer to forgiveness to you?

Okay, let's say hatred is here and forgiveness is here. Where is Dave on

road? Is he still a contemptuous or is he kind of moving towards what the hell?

Well, he's not speeding, which is a good thing because he can get a ticket.

I think he's driving on your road more like one of those old people, you know,

whose heads don't quite reach above the steering wheel.

Slowly and carefully.

That's good, right then? Because that means that he's going to get there. I

mean, eventually.

Yeah, psychology.

It's not an exact science. It kind of isn't even a science.

Oh, well, why are you studying it then? I like helping people who are going

through emotional turmoil. People have told me that I'm intuitive and that I

have this calming influence.

I always wanted a job where I could sit.

Well, Haley, you know, I'd like to be able to say that you helped me. I

really would.

You can.

Yeah?

I have to talk to you.

I have to talk to you, too. Look, come here. I've been thinking a lot, and, um,

Dave, I really believe that what we have is worth saving, and I know

that I've hurt you a lot, and I feel terrible about that. I just... Listen, I

went to a liquor store tonight.

You did? Yes.

I rode about 30 miles out of town, so I wouldn't run into anybody that I knew,

but I bought a pint of Jack, and then I rode to a Kmart parking lot, and I...

I sat on my motorcycle for about half an hour before I dumped it out, but then I

came over here.

Thank God.

Kmart.

Glad you think it's funny.

No, I'm just a reflex. I'm trying to make you feel better.

I don't think that you can.

Why don't you give me a chance?

No, you don't understand.

Billy, I think that you're the reason that I almost slipped.

Look, this thing with Marcus...

I know it shouldn't, but it's just eaten me alive.

It's... I gotta... What?

I gotta break up with you.

But... I mean, you're... You're only on stage four.

Of what?

Well, I... Just... Hayley said there's five stages to you dealing with this

thing with Marcus, and...

I mean, they're like denial, obsession, eternity, joy.

I forget what they all are. They all sound like perfumes. But anyway, you're

hatred right now.

And, I mean, let's face it, it can't be good for you or me. But, you know, but

you're one step away from forgiveness, Dave. One step and everything will be

fine. It's not going to be fine, okay?

Because I might drink.

So that's it?

I mean, you know...

A few bad dreams and you're just going to end everything?

Not just a few bad dreams. I almost slipped.

Yeah, Dave, it's because you're an alcoholic.

I mean, Jesus, did you expect that you were going to coast through life and

never be tempted again?

No, but that doesn't mean I can leave myself in a situation where I might.

Oh, you mean like running a new business where there's lots of pressure and

you're surrounded by booze and people drinking it all the time? I mean, you

know, tell me that that doesn't have something to do with the way you're

feeling, Dave.

Of course it does. That's not the main reason. How do you know that? Because

when I'm sitting in a Kmart parking lot, the image that I want to drink out of

my head is you and Marcus together.

Okay? It has nothing to do with the restaurant.

I'm sorry.

I am. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

I can't do it anymore.

Yeah, well, don't expect me to move because I won't. Move?

I don't expect you to move.

I'm not going to take the stairs.

You know, if you want to avoid running into me in the elevator, then, you know,

you're the one who's going to have to get into shape.

I don't want to avoid running into you.

And I'm not going to stop being your friend.

Oh, please. I hope not.

I hope not.

Just...

Fuck is it?

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other...