All language subtitles for Rude Awakening s03e06 Me Myself and I

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now I just have to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to
stay.

I've got a reason to face it. I haven't
learned anyway. When will I find someone

who understands?

When will this drive ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was thought of the longest day.

It was a rude...

Oh, my God.

Hayley, I just spilled some olive oil in
the hallway. Can you please clean it up

before somebody slips?

Olive oil. Interesting.

Maybe your fear of success is causing
you to sabotage yourself with these

accidents. Or maybe it was just a loose
bottle cap.

Or maybe it's symbolic of your love life
because olive oil like Billy is at the

center of a triangle between Popeye and
Pluto. First of all, it's Bluto. And

second of all, get the fucking mop. I
would, but the supply closet is locked

because someone has trust issues.

Someone has inventory issues.

I've got to keep this locked or else
people will take everything that I have.

What the hell is going on here?

What is this talking about?

Symbolic. They're fucking.

Dave, Dave, we're running low on linens,
man. I can't believe this.

No, actually, we are. That's it.

Oh, shit.

You know what that's symbolic of, don't
you?

Shut up.

What?

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah. I just had a horrible dream.

Lip dream.

I think I had one of those once.

It was terrifying.

Oh, wait, that really happened.

Did yours end with you and Marcus having
sex in a supply closet?

No. Mine did.

You dreamt you were having sex with
Marcus in a supply closet?

What kind of slip are we talking about
here, Dave? Billy. Come on.

I'm sorry.

Look.

Marcus and I are over. In fact, you
can't even say we are over because we

even got started.

If fucking isn't getting started, what
does it take to get you started?

Honey, what can I do to help you get
over this?

Nothing. It's just, I'm going to forget
it ever happened.

Was he better than me? Dave. No,
honestly, because, you know, Marcus and

always been real competitive with each
other, and he always wins, whether it's

basketball or baseball or poker.

Oh, okay, what do you want, a trophy
with a little gold man fucking me on top

it? No more. Of course not.

If you were to give it, Sophie, who'd
win?

Dave, if Marcus was so great, why would
I be lying here with you?

I don't know, because he's married.

He kicked you out. He doesn't like you.

I'm going to pick one. I picked you.

We're soulmates, don't you think?

I mean, it's much more important than a
stupid night of passion with Marcus.

You had me with the soulmates, but then
you lost me with the night of passion

with Marcus. Oh, don't forget.

stupid and you know by passion i meant
boring sedated nothing like a night

with dave good try no no come on dave
you and i are in a place where we can

finally make it work i mean i'm sober
you're sober we're together might not

happen again in a lifetime please i
don't want to lose it

you're right i don't want to lose it
either good let's go back okay

Good night.

$1 ,200 a month for laundry?

What are they cleaning our stuff with,
Evian?

You know, I actually did research on dry
cleaning before I hired those guys.

It's not as if I put a sign in the
window that said, we'll pay anything for

cleaning. No offer too stupid. Dave,
Dave, I'm just trying to point out where

could save some money. I think I have a
right to do that, don't you?

I'm not sure you do, actually, because
then the silent and silent partner

wouldn't make any sense.

I mean, unless you were talking in sign
language or using semaphore flags.

Well, who said I was a silent partner?
What?

I guess we could call you the guy with a
lot of money but absolutely no

restaurant experience whatsoever who
therefore shouldn't be sticking his nose

the day -to -day affairs of the
restaurant partner, but that takes

with money. That's the operative phrase
of the day because the reason that I

have money is that I look after my
investments. I don't just let my money

down the proverbial laundry chute, so to
speak. It's called being responsible.

Oh, really?

Responsible. Uh -huh.

Isn't that where you take into account
the outcome of your actions? Oh, yeah.

That's you all over. All right.

What's this about, man?

What it's about?

What it's about is that you may be
responsible when it comes to your

not so much when it comes to other
things that you keep in your pants or

keep in your pants, as the case may be.

This is about Billy, right?

Goddamn right, it's about Billy. Dave,
when are you going to get past this,

She wasn't your girlfriend at the time.
Oh, like that matters?

Oh, I mean, it does, of course, but, you
know, we were in between that crucial X

and possible future something stage.

Dave, you're not even speaking English.
It's like you're babbling in Esperanto

or some shit.

How was I supposed to know you'd get
back together?

Do I have a crystal ball? You got a
wedding ring? I thought I could trust

My mistake.

How the fuck did we get back into this?
No, we were talking about the linen

bill. Yeah, well, thanks, but my dirty
laundry is under control. No, no, it's

our dirty laundry, Dave, ours.

In case you forget, man, before I sunk
my money in, this sorry motherfucker was

going deaf, okay? Which gives me every
right to look over your shoulder to how

money's being spent.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go
see my soon -to -be ex -wife, who,

ironically, is also trying to take my
ass to the cleaner.

Later.

Dave, that couple over there just said
how much they loved your restaurant and

that the rigatoni was the best they ever
had.

And you believe them?

Yes. Why would they lie?

Because people are evil.

They'll lead you to believe that they
love your food, but the minute they walk

out the door, they're going to go
somewhere else for dessert. And let me

you something, Haley, they could get
dessert right here. What the fuck is

with my dessert?

Right now, it's a little bitter.

Hey, sweetie, thought I'd stop by. Hey.

Just Miss Marcus.

I have come here to see my boyfriend.

Unless you had a sex change, in which
case I've come to see my girlfriend.

She looks very sexy with that stubble.

Hey, business looks good.

So do you.

What are you, going out later?

Nope, just home.

Pretty nice for going home.

Thanks. My going home ensemble.

Oddly similar to my going to work
ensemble.

You look gorgeous.

Thank you.

Especially for a process server. I
didn't...

Realized process serving was such a
glamorous profession.

Come on, Dave. I'm wearing jeans.

With a very tight, glamorous shirt.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

I'm tired.

Let's start again.

Okay. Hi.

Hi. How was your day? Tell me about your
day. Have a good day?

Yeah, it was pretty good. Could I serve
anybody interesting?

Not really. A podiatrist. Oh.

Cute one?

Cute podiatrist?

Yeah. Come on, don't look at me like I'm
crazy. The man's a doctor.

Barely. From the ankles down.

What are you doing?

I'm accusing you of sleeping with
somebody that you've served, as you have

I can't even come up with a response to
that.

Here's one.

Oh, fuck yourself.

I think I just bit.

I think I just bit.

I'm fine. Never felt better.

Okay.

But I am a therapist in training, and
all of my textbooks say that sobbing is

sign of pain.

As in the case of injury or grief.

As in the loss of a loved one, like a
relative, or perhaps a pet.

Well, that's what happened. I lost a pet
relative.

That's funny.

Laughter's the best medicine.

Really. I prefer Vicodin.

Or a percadam.

So do you want to tell me what happened?
I'm a good listener.

I really am. I got an A in it.

You know, it's just that they say that
relationships are built on honesty, you

know?

It might be falling apart because of it.

How do you feel about that?

It's sad.

What are you, stupid? I mean, I'm
crying. Are you blind?

Actually, you seem more angry.

Well, now I am because you're pissing me
off.

Excuse me. Oh, see? No one wants to hear
the truth. I tell you how I feel, you

get upset. I tell Dave I fuck Marcus, he
blows up.

Oh.

It sounds like your problem with Dave is
not so much honesty as it is

promiscuity. Well, I'm a tramp.

Well, he already knew that.

So is he.

I thought that was what we had in
common, you know?

That was our bond, that we were both
sluts.

He used to love that about me.

I'm sure he did.

I'm sure he did. But now that you're his
girlfriend, maybe he's more possessive

of you.

You know, he thinks of you as a
possession, like his motorcycle.

Yeah, I know what a possession is.

All I have to say is, Dave is a lot
nicer to his motorcycle than he is to

That's temporary.

There are five phases a person goes
through when they're a victim of

denial, obsession, apathy, hatred, and
forgiveness.

Haley, get out of here. People are
waiting. Okay!

Sounds like David's already had hatred,
so you're almost all free.

Goodie.

What am I supposed to do? Be kind, show
him that you care, and be prepared that

he may reject you over and over again
until he gets the forgiveness.

Do you think he's going to get the
forgiveness?

I mean, does everyone get to that stage?

Well, no.

Sometimes they don't.

Otherwise, people wouldn't get divorced
or hit each other or...

I'm sure it'll work out.

Now, let's discuss the division of
assets.

You mean, who gets what?

Right. Now, first there is, um, there's
the matter of the house.

Well, you got the house.

So, we done?

Sit down, Marcus.

You're not going to walk away from this
like you walk away from everything else.

Marcus, please.

Now... This is going to go very quickly,
because we've all agreed we're going to

be amicable. Hey, I gave her the house.
How much more amicable can I be? I

deserve the house. I helped pay for it
with my own money. And speaking of

Mrs. Adams and I were wondering what
happened to the savings account.

It seems that it's missing approximately
$30 ,000.

Mr.

Adams withdrew it.

And that we know.

We'd like to know where it is now.

Well, my client has certain long -term
equity investments. I gave it to Dave

his restaurant.

What?

Your drunken, crazy, loser friend who
punched my father at our wedding, who

crashed our car?

Hey, he's not drunk anymore.

You might as well flush it down the
fucking toilet. Now, I would have to

against that.

If you gave him that money, half that
restaurant is mine. Oh, so now you want

be involved in my life.

Most people take an interest during a
marriage, not after. You know what? I

don't care what you say. You are not
hiding our cash by giving it to your

friend. I didn't hide it.

I invested it.

Oh, no, baby.

We invested it.

Okay, let's move on to the next item.
Yeah, great idea.

Roses are red.

Violets are taupe.

I'm sorry I've been such a terrible
dope.

So sweet.

What?

Violets aren't taupe? Yeah, but blue
doesn't rhyme with taupe. And I couldn't

think of anything to rhyme with. Come
on.

Well, it's a thought that counts.

Listen, Billy, I've been thinking a lot
about this, and I think there's only one

way that I'm going to really be able to
get over it. How's that? You've got to

tell me everything that happened.

Everything what?

Everything about...

How he was, in a, you know, bedular,
intra -penetratory fashion.

Come on, Dave, how is that going to
help? Believe me, Billy, whatever really

happens, nowhere near as haunting as
what I imagine happens, I hope.

No, I'm sure.

You see?

Okay, I mean, I get it. It's just I'm
not convinced that's the hottest idea,

okay? Well, believe me, if I know what
really happened, then I can stop

obsessing about it. No, believe me, that
won't work. I am an expert at

obsessing, and I know. I know it will
really help me. Okay, Dave, what do you

want to hear me say? That it was awful,
it was terrible, you're the best ever? I

mean, there, does that make you happy?
Lily, just tell me the truth.

It was awful.

It was terrible.

You're the best ever.

Billy, I've been to hell and back with
you.

This isn't going to scare me off. I'm
not even going to get mad. I just need

know. I can't believe I'm doing this.

I'm breaking the 11th commandment. Thou
shall not discuss past affairs with

their boyfriends.

I mean, I don't even know where to
start.

When did it happen?

Okay, it was that day he left the phone
at the restaurant and... Wait, that's

the day that we got back together.

What, you went from Marcus back to good
old Dave? You see, I knew this wasn't a

good idea. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The
timing, you know, the same day and all.

It's done. I'm done. Okay, please, go
on.

Okay, so he was refinishing an old
dresser and he just needed some help.

right. Pinkiums.

Varnish, of course. You know what? You
might have gotten lightheaded. You might

have been a little woozy. See, you've
got to ventilate. See, that marked us.

should know that. Yes. I mean, the
fumes, I was a little bit dizzy with the

and all, but, you know, anyway.

So then we were sanding, and I borrowed
one of his shirts.

You were sanding naked?

Who the fuck sands naked?

All right, that's it. I'm stopping.

I'm not allowed to have an emotional
reaction?

Not that one. This is good. I'm getting
it out. You know, this is very helpful

to me. You want me to get a tumor, I'm
getting it out. Not yelling.

You're right. Okay, no more yelling. I'm
sorry.

I'm going to be completely cop, I
promise.

Cop.

Okay, so we're standing, not naked, and
we were just talking

about life.

You know, his life, my life, and one
thing led to another.

And, you know, it wasn't like some big
romantic thing because Nancy showed up.

Wait, if Nancy hadn't interrupted, you
guys would still be going at it? Oh, I

see. So I guess I should be glad that
she interrupted because otherwise you

wouldn't have come back to me? No, that
is not true, Dave. It's not.

So you're trying to tell me that if
Nancy hadn't interrupted, that you would

have finished up with Marcus, you would
have said, you know what, that was fun,

but actually Dave is much more to my
liking. No, I wouldn't have said it. Not

those words anyway. You know what? Yes,
I would have picked you. I mean, is that

what you want to hear?

Are you just telling me what I want to
hear? Oh, my God. Because Dave will

believe anything?

You know what? We'll believe this, okay?
This conversation is over.

We are not talking about this anymore.

You know what? We're not talking about
anything anymore.

And the thing is, I don't know if you're
right, you know, and I should just

forget about it, but I can't. I can't.

And what I don't understand is why I'm
jeopardizing this relationship when it's

something I've worked at for so long.

Well, maybe you've been working at
something you don't really want. Maybe

only think you want it, but you're
undermining it because you really don't.

In other words, are you sure you want
what you think you want because I think

what you think you want isn't what you
say you think you really desire?

Jesus, you're right.

I don't know why I didn't think of that.

Oh, my God. I'm glad you're here, Haley.

Wow. I needed that.

I thought you weren't supposed to drink.

Well, I wasn't supposed to get fucked
over either, but it happened.

Wow. I feel better than I've felt in a
long time.

Hey, hey, turn up the music.

Round of drinks on the house, guys.

Hey,

hey, come on, Haley. Have one.

Baby, I own the clock. Don't worry about
it.

Oh, man.

Oh, fuck.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Haley, these plates have been sitting
here for ten minutes.

Sorry, Dave. Guess I lost track of time
gabbing with these folks about what

they'd like to order.

I'm sorry.

Just a thought. Why's that?

Uh, lack of sleep.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Is there something troubling you, Dave?
Something between you and Billy? Because

I've been getting this vibe from you,
and she was sobbing in the bathroom the

other day.

Because I've been catching assholes, and
I can't stop.

There's an issue between us. Yes, her
sleeping with Marcus.

A little louder. I don't think the
florist across the street heard you.

Dave, why don't you concentrate on
something positive in your life, like

good business is?

Doesn't the sight of all those people
and their Visa cards make you happy?

Not at the moment.

Jack and Coke.

You sure you don't want to make that a
Coke and Coke?

Do I know you?

Well, maybe you don't remember me, but I
saw you a couple of weeks ago take a

chip.

I'm not talking about a nacho.

I don't know what the fuck you're
talking about.

You said your name was Alan, and you
were trying to get clean after you lost

your job at the plant when you ducked
your prick. Okay, okay.

I went to a couple meetings. I decided
it wasn't for me. Now, back off.

I can't let you do this to yourself,
okay?

Let me?

Who elected you, booze sheriff?

Hey, what's going on?

I ordered a drink. Is that a crime? No,
but we can't serve you here.

Why not, Dave?

Yeah, why not?

I'm not bothering anyone.

I'm not drunk. I'm not driving.

My money's good. I've got a shirt and
shoes. I want service.

Are you discriminating against me
because I'm Jewish?

No, no, no. Right, Dave?

Not at all. He's a member of my group.

No, I'm not.

You saw me at one meeting. So what? I'm
just trying to help you, okay?

I don't need your help.

You know what?

To hell with you.

I don't want to give this place my money
anyway.

Oh, wow.

Dave, that's got to be real good for
business, man.

I don't care if it is or not.

Oh, Dave, in case you didn't know it,
one of the key ingredients to a

restaurant is customers. Yeah, and one
of the key ingredients to a successful

funeral home is cadavers. That doesn't
make it all right for morticians to go

around snuffing people.

We're not killing anybody, man. Yeah, we
will if we serve alcohol to alcoholics.

No one is asking you to make that call.
See?

When people come here, they come for a
little dining, a little dinner, and some

wine or whatever. They're not coming to
get some of Dave's special counsel. What

are you doing here? You came here to
scold me for saving a guy's life?

No.

I came here because I got to tell you
some bad news.

What? I don't need to get a blood test,
do I?

No. You might want to get your blood
pressure checked after you hear this.

Nancy's lawyer is saying that she's part
owner of this restaurant.

Oh, man. For a silent partner, you just
keep getting louder and louder.

Where are you going, Dave? Going
somewhere where I'm not six feet away

fully stocked bar.

Hi, Billy.

You missed Dave. It's probably a good
thing, too, because he's obviously still

in that hatred, Dave.

Oh, I noticed.

Um, actually, I came here to talk to
you.

Really? Yeah. Wow.

Great. Okay.

I'll sit.

So, remember when you told me I should
prepare myself to be rejected over and

over and... Yeah. When will that be
over, roughly?

I mean, a week, a month, a year?

Hmm. I don't think my textbook said
that, but that's a good question. I'll

my professor.

Okay.

But you work here with Dave.

I mean, does he seem to be getting any
closer to forgiveness to you?

Okay, let's say hatred is here and
forgiveness is here. Where is Dave on

road? Is he still a contemptuous or is
he kind of moving towards what the hell?

Well, he's not speeding, which is a good
thing because he can get a ticket.

I think he's driving on your road more
like one of those old people, you know,

whose heads don't quite reach above the
steering wheel.

Slowly and carefully.

That's good, right then? Because that
means that he's going to get there. I

mean, eventually.

Yeah, psychology.

It's not an exact science. It kind of
isn't even a science.

Oh, well, why are you studying it then?
I like helping people who are going

through emotional turmoil. People have
told me that I'm intuitive and that I

have this calming influence.

I always wanted a job where I could sit.

Well, Haley, you know, I'd like to be
able to say that you helped me. I

really would.

You can.

Yeah?

I have to talk to you.

I have to talk to you, too. Look, come
here. I've been thinking a lot, and, um,

Dave, I really believe that what we have
is worth saving, and I know

that I've hurt you a lot, and I feel
terrible about that. I just... Listen, I

went to a liquor store tonight.

You did? Yes.

I rode about 30 miles out of town, so I
wouldn't run into anybody that I knew,

but I bought a pint of Jack, and then I
rode to a Kmart parking lot, and I...

I sat on my motorcycle for about half an
hour before I dumped it out, but then I

came over here.

Thank God.

Kmart.

Glad you think it's funny.

No, I'm just a reflex. I'm trying to
make you feel better.

I don't think that you can.

Why don't you give me a chance?

No, you don't understand.

Billy, I think that you're the reason
that I almost slipped.

Look, this thing with Marcus...

I know it shouldn't, but it's just eaten
me alive.

It's... I gotta... What?

I gotta break up with you.

But... I mean, you're... You're only on
stage four.

Of what?

Well, I... Just... Hayley said there's
five stages to you dealing with this

thing with Marcus, and...

I mean, they're like denial, obsession,
eternity, joy.

I forget what they all are. They all
sound like perfumes. But anyway, you're

hatred right now.

And, I mean, let's face it, it can't be
good for you or me. But, you know, but

you're one step away from forgiveness,
Dave. One step and everything will be

fine. It's not going to be fine, okay?

Because I might drink.

So that's it?

I mean, you know...

A few bad dreams and you're just going
to end everything?

Not just a few bad dreams. I almost
slipped.

Yeah, Dave, it's because you're an
alcoholic.

I mean, Jesus, did you expect that you
were going to coast through life and

never be tempted again?

No, but that doesn't mean I can leave
myself in a situation where I might.

Oh, you mean like running a new business
where there's lots of pressure and

you're surrounded by booze and people
drinking it all the time? I mean, you

know, tell me that that doesn't have
something to do with the way you're

feeling, Dave.

Of course it does. That's not the main
reason. How do you know that? Because

when I'm sitting in a Kmart parking lot,
the image that I want to drink out of

my head is you and Marcus together.

Okay? It has nothing to do with the
restaurant.

I'm sorry.

I am. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm
sorry.

I can't do it anymore.

Yeah, well, don't expect me to move
because I won't. Move?

I don't expect you to move.

I'm not going to take the stairs.

You know, if you want to avoid running
into me in the elevator, then, you know,

you're the one who's going to have to
get into shape.

I don't want to avoid running into you.

And I'm not going to stop being your
friend.

Oh, please. I hope not.

I hope not.

Just...

Fuck is it?

Make new friends, but keep the old. One
is silver, the other...