Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now I just have to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to stay.

I've got to relearn the basics.

I never learned anyway. When will I find someone who understands?

When will this drive ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was thought of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be this way.

I hope it won't always be this way.

Yeah, it's been 30 years.

This?

Right now, this?

Yeah. You feel so good?

I could do this forever.

Couldn't you?

Well, for me, maybe an hour more tops.

I've got to pee. I'm getting hungry. And Macy's is having a family.

Well, I, for one, am really enjoying you and me.

I always did before, but now I really am.

It's like cheesecake, you know? You always like it.

When you're really hungry... And I am.

Aren't you enjoying this?

Yeah, of course. I mean, the only way I could be enjoying it anymore is if I had

cheesecake.

Note to self.

Knock, knock.

Hey, I don't know the password.

Bingo?

I'm here, my child.

Hi.

Okay.

So do I confess right away, or do I explain all the mishigas that happened

first?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess you're not Catholic.

Well, no.

Though I did play a nun on TV once.

I had stigmata.

Was it a stigmatism?

No matter.

In the house of God...

We minister to everyone.

That's why I'm here.

You see, okay, I'm in Addictions Anonymous, and usually when I have a

I'll talk to my sponsor about it, but I can't get a hold of them, and I just

really need some spiritual advice.

And, you know, well, you were closer than the temple, so, you know, I'm not

picky. Anyway, here's what the problem is.

See, I almost stole money from a friend of mine, and his friend Marcus talked me

out of it.

I can understand the guilt you must have.

So then I slept with Marcus.

Who is a god?

Well, not literally, but you should see him.

Anyway, I shouldn't care about him because he's married.

The sanctity of marriage is not to be taken lightly. Now, Marcus is best

with Dave. And Dave and I used to be together, but then we broke up. But now

we're back together again.

Dave is your husband?

Oh, God, no. No. No. Anyway, the problem is, should I tell Dave about Marcus?

No, because it's driving me crazy. I can't even enjoy myself with Dave.

You have a few bigger problems than that.

I believe you've broken almost all the commandments.

Hold that thought.

Yeah. Hello.

Clark, where the fuck have you been? I've been trying to reach you.

Okay, listen, stay there and I'll be there in a few minutes.

Okay, bye.

My sponsor's back.

Oh, good.

Well, I hope he'll be able to help you with your problem.

All of them.

Hey, Haley, did you put the daily special interest in all the menus?

First thing this morning.

Great.

That's very nice. Yeah, and I see you dotted all the I's with a smiley face.

It makes Panini look so much more cheerful.

Yeah.

Listen, I wanted to talk to you about the other night. You hope that blowing

off to get back together with Billy won't affect our working relationship.

Well, you picked the words right out of my mouth.

And I wanted to say I was sorry.

Don't sweat it, Dave.

Clearly, you need someone to abuse you emotionally, and I can't give you that.

Glad you understand.

Damn.

I sure hope it picked up during the lunchtime rush.

Well, so far, you are the lunchtime rush. I've got my fingers crossed for

post -lunch, pre -dinner crowd who are often the hungriest because they've

skipped lunch and they can't wait until dinner.

Can I show you something?

Can you keep it secret? Yeah.

I'm a journalist, man. I never reveal my source. They could torture me, hang me

up with my thumbnails, put electrodes on my nipples, and I still wouldn't tell

you it was puffed.

Damn. Forget I said that. I don't know about electrodes, but I got jumper

if you still leave beans. Or this bean.

Hey.

I didn't know you cared.

I'm thinking giving that to Billy.

Am I right?

Come on, I'm nervous enough as it is without you joking around. It's not an

engagement ring, is it? It's not even close.

Oh, my God, no.

I hope she doesn't think it's an engagement ring I purposely spent under

bucks so she wouldn't mistake it for one of those. I don't think that'll be your

problem. No, it's actually more of a, if things keep going well, then maybe,

possibly, you know, down the line, engagement...

is not completely out of the realm of possibility. Right.

Still, that's a big commitment for a guy who faked his own death to get out of a

second date. That was a third date.

And, you know, Billy and I have been going out together off and on for almost

two years. I just think the time is right now to, you know, to get serious

fun, not -seeing -other -people kind of way.

I'm freaking out, basically.

Maybe I should give the ring to you. God, I hope I kept the receipt.

No, no, I'm doing the right thing. Really, Dave, Dave, look, I mean, it's

quick. I mean, what, you've just been back together? Now, what, a minute and a

half, man? Well, I know I may be rushing into things, but, you know, I only have

three speeds, man, rush, stall, and flee. And right now I think rush is

definitely the way to go. But you've got to be sure.

I mean, you give a ring. I mean, I don't care if it's a tall ring, Dave. You

give a ring, that says something to a woman.

What, are you trying to talk me out of it?

No, I mean, look, hey.

You were the one looking for the receipt, right? What I'm saying, David,

give her a ring, you're going to have to cut her finger off to get it back.

And you can kiss that 25 -50 goodbye.

Well, 22 would change, but I get your point.

The thing is, I've just fucked it up so many times with Billy, I don't want to

do that again.

You know, I want to give her something that says I might always be there for

you. But do you really? I mean, I understand you've really gotten nothing

grief from that relationship. Oh, I've gotten a lot of other things, man. You

know, there's nobody like her.

Well, yeah, no, on that I agree.

Yeah. Don't you think she's special?

Yeah, no, no, she's special.

I know, she's hard on the outside, but inside she's warm and she's fun and

passionate. You know, there's nobody who can... Words cannot describe it. I

wouldn't know, but I'm... Look, if she feels the same way about you that you do

about her, then, uh... You're a lucky man.

I'm gonna find out, man. I'm gonna give her this over a romantic candlelight

dinner. Huh?

Candlelight's a good move.

It's going to look better in a candlelight. Yeah.

That's right.

Honey, where would this go best?

Goodwill.

I'm sorry.

It'll look fabulous downstairs.

In the garage.

Come in.

Hey, guys.

Boy, if I'd known you were moving in together, I would have brought you a

A plant, a cake, a bigger apartment.

You did know. I told you last week.

Oh. Well, if I were considerate, then.

I'm going to go down and get the rest of my stuff.

Oh, there's more?

Clark, I really need your advice.

I did something kind of impulsive.

I slept with Mark.

Oh.

Well, was this before or after you got back with Dave?

It was before.

So then what's the problem?

About an hour and a half before.

Oh, okay, that's cutting it a little close, but technically you're in the

I'm assuming this was just a one -time thing?

Yes, mostly since it got awkward when his wife walked in.

Why is it the worst?

So you're back with Dave now and all this is behind you, right? Right.

Why do I feel so guilty then? I mean, I'm consumed with it.

It's not your garden variety. I took the neighbor's newspaper for your kind of

guilt. It's gut -wrenching and not being able to sleep at night and can't even

enjoy reading the neighbor's newspaper.

Oh, my God, now I feel bad about the newspaper.

Clark, what is going on?

Clark! No, Billy, you're having feelings.

Don't be alarmed.

Look, you used to drink them away, but now all the guilt you've repressed for

the last 30 years is surfacing.

Well, that sucks.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, what about all the happiness I've been repressing? Shouldn't that be

bubbling up any time soon?

It will. It just takes time.

Look, I know all this emotional stuff coming up can be unsettling, but, you

know, my first month of sobriety, I used to cry every time I watched a Brady

Bunch rerun.

The Brady Bunch?

Hey, Alice dedicated her life to that family, and they made her sleep in the

fucking laundry room.

Well, at least they gave her the middle square and the credits.

Coming through.

Excuse me, what is that?

It's my rifle from the service.

What is it doing here?

It's for protection, honey. This city is full of crazy people, isn't it? Oh,

yeah. I'm on a first -name basis with most of them.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We are not having that gun in my house.

Our house?

We have company. We'll discuss it later.

Fine. Fine.

Men.

Okay, Clark, so what should I do? Should I tell Dave or not?

Well, let's think about this.

Our program is based on rigorous honesty.

I know, but does it have to be prompt rigorous honesty?

I mean, couldn't it be a deathbed confession?

You really want to carry this with you for that long?

I could die tomorrow.

I smoke, and rarely do I wear a seatbelt.

You know, on the other hand, this could really fuck up Dave's friendship with

Marcus. Did you think about that?

Yes.

No. I mean, I've got my hands full figuring out what I'm going to do. I'm

busy to worry about other people.

Billy, obviously this situation is making you uncomfortable.

So should I say something to him? I can't tell you what you should do.

Billy, you have to decide what's best for you.

Okay, then tell me. What's best for me?

Well, I know that for me, total honesty is always worth the best.

I mean, like when Henry came back from National Guard duty last year, I told

everything about my little fling in Key West.

Key West?

I thought it was Orlando.

No.

His name was Orlando. You wouldn't tell me his name.

Well, I'm telling you now. It was Orlando.

What was his last name?

West. Orlando West. From Key West.

Yes. Their family owned the place.

There's a big rivalry with each family.

You know what? I gotta go.

Billy, wait, no.

I want to help you with this. No, no, no, you have... Billy.

Take me with you.

I think telling him is a bad idea.

Well, I disagree.

You know, I think Dave will understand that it was a spontaneous, for -the

-moment thing.

I mean, we're talking about a man who once slept with a tollbooth attendant

during rush hour. Look, this is different.

I mean, you had sex with me.

Tell me you wouldn't be pissed off if he had sex with one of your best friends.

I don't have any women friends.

That's right, I won't have any male friends either. But, you know, Jill, I

have to tell him. Why? Because I can't carry around this secret all the time. I

mean, it's not good for a relationship.

What relationship?

Yours and Dave's?

Mine and Dave's or yours and mine?

Well, what is our relationship?

Well, our relationship is kind of fucked up right now. I mean, you know, it

could have been...

Everything's happening so fast. I just want you to know that whatever decisions

you make, right, affect us all.

What are you saying?

I'm saying, look, I didn't expect you to roll off my rug and go running back to

Dave so fast and be so happy.

Yeah, well, I didn't expect your wife to come racing in here or to feel so bad.

But, you know, she did, and I do, and I have to do something about it. I can't

leave it like this.

Just... How about just hold off telling them for a little while? I mean,

something might happen that might change your mind. I think the longer you wait,

the worse it is. You know, it's like the Band -Aid thing.

You know, if you rip it off real quick, it doesn't hurt as much. Or, or it could

just reopen up the wound.

Boy, you sure know how to take the fun out of a metaphor.

That was fantastic.

Always they stay in front.

They magnifique.

You know French?

I don't know. What do you think? I think you know a lot of languages.

You ever want

to tell somebody something and you don't know how to say it?

Yes. Because you're afraid that if you do, the relationship's going to change

and you don't know how it will.

I've definitely ridden that train of thought.

What I want to tell you, Billy, is that I love you.

I love you, too.

What are you thinking about?

You mean right now?

Yeah.

Well, I guess I was just thinking that there's something I need to tell you,

too.

You're not pregnant, are you?

I mean, you're not pregnant, are you?

No, it's not that bad. I mean, good.

I mean, shucks.

No, come on. It's just that I did something that... Oh,

I just don't feel too great about it.

Are you going to tell me or do I have to guess?

No.

Okay.

I did that.

Marcus and I.

You and Marcus what?

Well, we didn't tell you that...

I, you know, he caught me trying to steal your secret emergency money. And I

should have told you before, and I just, I don't know.

I'm sorry.

Sweetheart.

It's okay.

Really, it's okay. You know, you were in a bad place.

Hell, I've been there myself.

I don't know how you'd react.

I'm glad you told me.

I don't want there to be any secrets between us.

Come by the restaurant tomorrow night.

I'm going to make you a candlelight dinner. It's going to knock your socks

Okay? Yeah.

Okay.

Check it out. Two pan cutters. Cool, cool.

Now we need a 48 -4.

Listen.

I talked with Billy last night. She told me what happened with you guys.

She did?

Look, I'm sorry, man. Maybe we should have told you right away.

You want to blame somebody, you blame me, man.

Oh, Marcus, relax.

It's not a big deal. You know, I know these things happen.

Billy must have been really desperate.

All right.

See why you would say that. So everything's cool.

Absolutely. I don't blow my top over things like this anymore. I can't afford

to.

I got to hand it to that program of yours, man.

Shit, I found out you slept with Nancy. I'd be pissed.

What would that have to do with you catching Billy stealing?

Nothing. No, I just... They're both awkward situations.

You slept with my girlfriend.

You weren't with her when it happened, Dave.

You slept with my fucking girlfriend?

Look, I'm sorry. It was wrong. I mean, even if you weren't with her when it

happened, I mean, you still got dibs on her. I mean, look, I have no excuse

except for it happened, man.

Fuck you, Marcus! It happened.

You're the last person I expected to fuck me over, you know?

How's it feel?

Dave, Dave, listen.

I didn't plan to hurt you or fuck you over anything, man.

You stood there while I showed you the ring. You didn't say a word.

I didn't think it was in my place. She wanted to tell you herself.

Oh, but you thought it was your place to fuck her?

Jesus! Dave.

You want some water?

My nerves.

Has Dave come by here yet?

No, haven't seen him since last night. Good. Well, we need to talk.

Well, look.

I didn't tell him. I mean, I wanted to, but I just lost my nerve.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm here.

Well, save your breath. Because I decided to let it go.

Oh, you're sure about that?

Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, I listened to you, and I listened to Clark, and I

just realized I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

So? You know, I feel pretty good about my decision.

That's nice.

Unfortunately, I accidentally told Dave myself.

What?

How the hell do you accidentally tell somebody something like that? Did you

and as you were following the words, I slept with Billy spilled out?

No, I thought you already told him, Billy.

I mean, you said you were, right?

Oh, well, you know, I didn't know I was supposed to notify you every time I

changed my mind. I mean, I was thinking of wearing a skirt tonight to dinner,

but if I wear jeans instead, should I fax you? Yeah, if you say you're going

do something, something important, you should follow through with it. Well, how

did he react?

Terrible. That's why I was listening to you. Why weren't you listening to you? I

don't know. I mean, obviously, if I listened to me all the time and followed

own damn rules, we wouldn't be in this mess. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. That is right.

I was even going to fix her a romantic dinner and give her a ring tonight. So

did happen before you and Billy got back together, and she was really conflicted

about it. You knew about this? Jesus Christ, why didn't you say something to

I'm Billy's sponsor. What she tells me is private. But you could have at least

dropped me like a little hint, you know, like a Dave Marcus' fucking Billy hand

gesture or something.

I'm a little rusty on my hand signal. You know, the point is that they should

have said something to me.

Jesus! Dave, Dave.

You can't control what other people do and only how you react. Yeah, but how am

I supposed to react? You know, I can't get the thought of the two of them

together out of my head.

Well, I can understand that. It's like the first time you catch your parents

having sex, which isn't hard to do when you're sleeping between them.

I don't know why I thought coming here would make me feel any better.

Because you know you need to let go of this anger.

Why? Huh? Why do I have to be the one to let it go? Huh? Everybody else can do

whatever the hell they want and they just say, whoops, sorry, and it's okay?

have to let it go because if you don't, that resentment will cause you to drink.

Oh, that's perfect.

That's perfect.

It's like, hey, everybody, good news. You can just dump on Dave and there's

nothing he can do about it. He can't even get mad because he might drink.

Come on, kick him in the ball.

Oh, can I take a rain check on that?

Hey, Henry. Hey, what's all the yelling about?

Dave's processing his anger about Marcus and Billy. Oh, yeah. Hey, sorry, man.

Henry knew about this, too? Jesus Christ!

What, they sent out an email?

Come on, let's concentrate on the program. You can't afford this anger.

can't afford a motorcycle, either. I have one.

I just...

I thought it was going to work out this time.

And it can.

No, Dave, every relationship goes through a rocky period.

Henry and I just got in this big fight because we were trying to decide whether

we should have a gun in the house. But we worked it out, and we agreed to get

rid of it.

No, we didn't. We agreed I wouldn't keep it loaded.

That's not what we said. You only hear what you want to hear.

Only when I don't hear anything worth hearing.

What are you saying? What are you saying? I'm going to let myself out.

Dave, Dave, are you going to be okay?

I don't know. Thank you for your advice. I got to think about this on my own.

Well, where are you going? We have to resolve this. I'm going to go get rid of

the gun.

Because you love me so much?

No, because I might shoot you.

That's good enough.

Hello? Anybody home?

Hey.

Brought you something?

Ta -da.

Cheesecake.

It's a peace offering.

I don't want any.

Listen. But you said you always liked cheesecake.

I mean, even when you don't like it, you still always like it. Yeah, did Marcus

already have a piece?

Come on, Dave.

Come on. It's just not a good time to be around me, Billy.

I thought we had a date. Well, I thought we had a lot of things. Obviously, I

was wrong.

Look, I know you're upset.

No, I get upset when I spill coffee. Right now, I'm just furious.

I'm shocked, disappointed, enraged. Okay, okay. I am sorry about the way you

found out. I mean, I should have told you. What the hell were you and Marcus

thinking? You and I weren't seeing each other then. As everyone keeps helpfully

pointing out to me, that is so comforting.

Okay, so you're going to blame me for something that happened before we were

back together.

I mean, come on, Dave. When World War II happened before we got back together,

you're going to blame me for that, too? Let me tell you something, Billy. If you

have to compare yourself to Hitler to make yourself look good, that does not

help your art. Okay, then how about this? I'm not perfect, and neither are

Okay, I have forgiven you plenty of times.

Plenty. Oh, what? I owe you? What, are we keeping some kind of fuck score? Of

course not.

You know, but if we were, you'd win. You'd win. Oh.

Just...

Dave, if you picture yourself reading the paper with someone for 30 years, you

better be able to forgive them if they make a mistake.

I mean, otherwise you just end up reading the paper by yourself.

Oh, thank you, Miss Relationship Expert.

Okay, so this is it then? I mean, are we breaking up?

I don't know.

I don't know.

When do you think you will know? Because if it's going to be a long time, I

should put this in the fridge.

What is that? Is that a New York cheesecake?

Is there any other kind?

I'll get a fork.

What was that?

This is something I got for my mother, but I'm not sure it's right for her.

I'm sure she'll love it.

Yeah, well...