Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now I just have to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to say, I've got to relearn the basics.

I never learned anyway. When will I find someone who understands?

When will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was thought of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be.

This is a difficult time for both of us.

But I know we have something real, something special.

Even if we can't see it right now because of what we're going through, but

know it's there.

Hmm.

Is your wife in a coma? Because if not, that speech will put her into one.

That's not the effect I was looking for. Well, I mean, you know, it's a sweet

thought. And the staring into the eyes, that's excellent.

The staring into the eyes is good. Oh, yeah. Women love the staring.

Sadly, the only man who's ever stared that deeply into my eyes is an

optometrist. Oh, no, no, no. I find that hard to believe. Look at you.

You're an interesting, attractive, funny... Crazed, self -obsessed

No, a recovering self -obsessed alcoholic now.

And you're doing great. Look, it's been, what, three days since your last drive?

Hey, save all the smooth -talking for your wife.

Okay, all right, all right. What about this? What about this?

From the first time I met you...

I haven't been able to get you out of my head.

Your laugh.

Your eyes.

The sound of your voice.

Well, that's better.

Wow.

Weird?

Thanks? No, no, I mean, uh, bad word, just, uh, unexpected weird. But not good

weird. No, it was good, it was good, it was just, you know, it was unexpected.

But weirdly so. I mean, you just said the word weird. That was a flip of the

tongue. I see.

I can't believe it. What? Nothing. The city approved the last permit for the

restaurant. There's a few kinks, but they're minor.

Oh!

Yeah,

like, uh, like what?

Well, the toilet's back up.

There's a slight rat problem, and my carpenter just got arrested for assault.

But it's only a second strike.

What are you guys up to?

Oh, nothing. I just got by because, you know, he owed me a latte, so... A couple

cups of coffee. Anyway, I shouldn't really get going. I start my Jew knob. I

have a new job today, and I want to make a good first impression.

You're working for your mom. You made your first impression on her 30 years

Yeah, well... You know, that day I was naked, wet, and screaming, so I'm hoping

it doesn't count.

Why? That always makes a great impression on me.

Right, Martha?

I'm married.

Gotta go.

Okay.

God, I hate when she leaves, but I love to watch her walk away.

Admit it, man, you're not even interested until they walk away.

Okay, all right, but, you know, this one might be different.

I like her front, too.

So what do you say?

You think you might want to, like, hook back up with her?

Yeah. No.

I don't know. Sort of.

But only really kind of... Maybe.

Well, as long as you're sure.

Actually, I'm not, because the last thing she needs is to be in a

You know, the romantic stuff is the first thing that people slip over.

Really? It's absolutely the number one thing.

Anyway, enough about my fucked -up love life. How's your fucked -up love life?

Fucked -up as ever.

Maybe more.

Any word from Nancy?

No, no, and I can't take that shit anymore. You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go down to her office, and we're just gonna talk it out.

Uh, you sure that's a good idea?

Why not?

She hasn't returned my phone calls in a week.

Well, you know, it might be a good idea just to let her try and take the

initiative. Dave, I would, but statistically, I only have 40 years left

Just stop worrying, man. She's gonna come around.

I don't think so.

If I don't do something, Nancy will just bury herself in her work, forget that

we're ever married. Not that forgetting that we're married is hard to do,

because we don't talk anymore.

Well, all couples run out of things to say to each other. We don't do things

together anymore.

That's because you're both successful professionals.

We haven't had sex in a long -ass time.

That's bad.

Because the absence of the talking and the doing things, that's actually a

selling point. But without the fucking, then you're just living with a woman.

You know, an angry, sexually frustrated woman.

Go on, man.

If you need me, I'll be on the ledge.

Love muffin.

Dearest, what a surprise.

It's a wonderfully slow day at the office, so I thought I would take

of you.

Billy's here.

And I'm off.

Oh, but without a hug.

And why are you here?

Well, I suppose you have to wait somewhere for the bars to open. Martin,

hired Billy as my personal assistant.

A very fine job she's doing, too.

Say something supportive.

Yes, Martin, let me feel the love.

Well, Billy, as your future stepfather, I would just like to say with all

sincerity, goodbye.

Family.

And if you touch any of my things, I'll cut you.

Okay, so I finished putting all your receipts in the accordion file.

Already? I thought that would take you a week.

It would have taken the old Billy all week.

Actually, the old Billy wouldn't have even shown up, but the new Billy is here

to work and show you that she is ready to be relied upon.

Oh, and when I say the word she, I mean me.

I follow that.

Okay, so what's next?

Oh, right. I would like you, darling, to rearrange all those books. You got it.

By author or title?

Kala.

No, look.

Look at those covers.

They don't go together at all.

I haven't seen so many clashing jackets since your father dragged me to that

animal, right, Stenner?

Dragged you? He took you in a limo.

A town car is not a limo. It's more of a glorified rickshaw.

Hearing that sanctimonious gaggle squawk about how veal is tortured makes being

penned up in the dark and rectally electrocuted seem like a spa treatment.

Sounds like a pain in the ab that they believe.

You are clever, darling.

You make sinless to Mr. Peters.

Come in.

Delivery for Miss Adams.

Marcus, what are you doing here? Hey, it's nice to see you too, Nancy.

I'm sorry I'm just surprised to see you.

Why don't you surprise me back, give me a little smile.

That's a smirk, but I'll take it.

If I start smiling, it's going to start a whole happiness trend at the office.

We already have casual Fridays.

Can't afford cheerful Tuesdays.

What about get back together with your husband Tuesdays?

No, I don't think that'll clear legal.

All right, baby. Look, we need to talk.

We will, but now it just isn't a good time. When? I mean, you don't call me

back. You want me to pretend to be a client? I could schedule an appointment

with her.

Excuse me? Why are you coming at me like I'm the one who left? You're the one

who stormed out of the house.

Of course, now that you want to talk, I'm supposed to drop everything at a

moment's notice. Just out of curiosity.

If I didn't make the first move, when were you going to?

I'm very busy.

Fine.

I thought it'd been my mistake. I guess I figured our marriage would come just a

little higher on your to -do list.

Look, baby, I didn't come here to fight, okay? I'm sorry.

Look, why don't we get together for dinner Friday night, Caraco?

We'll talk then.

You gonna show up this time?

Promise I'll be there.

Cool.

I want this to work out with us.

Me too.

You look good.

OK, I'm done with the books. Wonderful, darling.

Now, I'd like you to go in that room, get all the clothes and take them to

Goodwill.

I don't think Consuelo will like that. But what is Goodwill going to do with 15

maid uniforms?

Well, I'm not giving them any of my things.

I mean, honestly, what favor is it to give a Prada jacket to some mother of 16

in the barrio? Even if she could wedge herself into it without having a stroke,

she'd be asking to have her throat cut by some migrant fruit picker desperate

for quaver money.

And people wonder how Britain lost its empire.

Okay, well, I'll drop the clothes off at Goodwill and I'll see you tomorrow

then.

No, darling, wait. You've got to come back straight away because I've got just

so many more things for you to do.

Okay, what?

Well,

for instance, what I really need you to do is tag all the fish

in the koi pond so I can document their swimming patterns.

Mom, is it my imagination, or are you making up things for me to do?

It's your imagination.

How do you come up with these things? You should be a painter.

In fact, I want you to take my photo albums and render all the family shots

watercolor. Mother, this is insane.

Okay, oils.

Okay, what's going on? I don't know what you're talking about. You do.

What?

Okay, if you're not going to tell me, I'm just going to have to quit.

I'm afraid that if I let you out of my sight, you're going to drink.

When you were at your worst, all I could think about was worry whether you

were... How do I put this delicately?

Ted? Yes.

So I thought that if I employed you, I could watch you.

I mean support you.

Support you in a watchful sort of way.

Mom, if I wanted to have a drink, I'd find a way to have one.

Certainly you know about that.

The maid must have put that in there.

Consuela, you underdressed lush.

Sorry I made you worry so much.

Least I could do is worry, darling.

After all, I haven't done much else.

In any case, we can't do this.

Why not?

Because it's all fake. I can't take money for doing nothing.

You get used to it, darling. I swear I've done it my whole life.

Yeah, but the reason why I took this job, I mean, aside from the fact that

broke, is because I wanted to prove that I could be depended on to not screw

things up. And this isn't proving anything.

Yes, it is. You're doing a wonderful job. Look, the spice rack is in order.

books no longer clash with the divan. Mom, I have to get a real job.

Why? Because it's part of getting a real life. I mean, taking money for doing

nothing is dishonest. Oh.

But I want to get paid for today.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Check, okay?

I prefer cash.

What?

Hold on.

How could nails be that expensive?

Why, what do you want me to do, tell the guy to glue the place together?

Hey. Hey.

Everything okay? Yeah, cool. Just, you know, dumb business stuff. You want to

talk about it?

No, forget it.

Hey, hey, how'd it go with Nancy?

Oh, cool. Just, uh, dumb marriage stuff.

Yeah, you want to talk about it? No. Oh.

Okay.

Now,

chicks communicate as well as we do.

Got me, man.

Dearest, why are you still up? I'm concerned about Billy.

Again? Weren't you concerned about her earlier today?

Yes, but what if she gets so desperate she falls off the wagon, or worse?

Poppet, let's worry in the bedroom, lying down.

Perhaps you could give her a job at the law firm?

No, I don't want to.

Darling, nobody wants to, but she is practically family.

The only thing she's qualified to be is a defendant.

No, no, Billy has changed a great deal. You should have seen how industrious she

was about the house today. It was like there were two of her, or three, or

perhaps I had too much to drink.

You must be upset to even say such a thing.

What? Darling, there must be something that she could do for you.

Wait, I know.

What about those people that you send out to wait around and give papers?

Process servers?

You are brilliant. What a marvellous idea.

I've an even better idea.

I buy you something dreadfully expensive.

And Billy miraculously solves her own problems.

Darling, how qualified does one have to be to be a process?

As far as I can tell, all you have to do is relish being a nuisance.

You're right. She's perfect.

I'll call her in the morning.

Darling, darling, I won't be able to come to bed, so to speak, unless there's

result.

I'll get my coat.

Oh, darling, if you're expecting a burglar, they don't usually knock.

Good Lord.

Did a throng of gypsies recently pitch camp here? Yeah.

Mum,

it's after midnight. What are you doing here? And why did you bring that?

Darling, we've come about a job for you, working for Martin.

Well, if it involves testifying for him in a neck brace, I'm not interested.

Nope. For that, we hire talented actresses. Do you not see the bat?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Darling, you'd be a process server.

Look, it's just one step below being a lawyer.

Actually, several flights.

Aren't those the people who give out subpoenas and stuff?

Yes. We thought you'd enjoy being on the other end of it for a change.

Not interested.

Well, that's that. We tried.

At least now we can bask in the warm glow of a sincere effort.

Come along.

I left the car running.

Bye -bye. Darling, you said you needed a real job. Now, how else are you

planning to get money?

I've got one kidney I never use.

This job gives you a lot of free time.

Practically, the whole day is yours.

Except for the few minutes it takes to fling legal documents at some poor,

unsuspecting schmuck.

I'm pacing as it sounds. I'm just not sure I want to work for Martin, Mommy.

I mean, wouldn't you have to sign the contracts in blood?

Nope. The alcohol content in yours would eat right through the stationery.

Darling, you said you wanted a real job so that you could prove that you could

be relied upon. Now, here's your chance. And it pays $160 cash per serve.

Yeah, but still... $160?

So that's the kitchen, right? That's where the food and things are.

And here's the bathroom where the toilets will eventually flush.

Over here, this is where the wine rack is going to go as soon as my carpenter

gets out of jail.

And here's the place where you will never again be able to sit. Oh. The bar.

Huh? Well, sounds like you got everything under control.

It does.

Good, that's what I'm going for.

Hey, you like these stools?

Oh, well, yeah.

Got a nice swivel to them. Yeah, so do you.

That's true.

What are you doing?

I can't get over it. What?

You.

Oh, Dave.

Sorry. No, it's okay, really. I just... I know. I just don't even say it. I

know. I don't have to say it.

I mean, I've only got a week sober. I don't even trust me yet.

Well, I never trusted you before. It didn't stop me.

Yeah, and look where that got you.

Well, you still have a very nice swivel. Well, thank you.

Don't hate me because I just tried to kiss you.

Well,

I must say, you're competent at this.

Oh, Martin, please don't dash.

Darling, he's very proud of you. He says they already have a nickname for you

down at the firm. The boss's girlfriend's daughter. Well, that's not

nickname as it is a description.

I'm thinking of recommending you to some other people if you're interested.

You could start making a thousand or so a week.

Dollars? No, beads.

They work on a Hopi Indian reservation.

Isn't that wonderful, darling? All those years of talking boyfriends and casting

directors has really paid off.

I'll leave you all alone so you can talk shop.

I have 12 more cases for you, but this one has to be done tonight.

Hello's wife is divorcing him. He doesn't know it.

She's meeting him for dinner.

So it should be quite simple to just pass the papers across the table. Marcus

Adams?

Yeah.

What's his wife's name?

Nancy.

What does he look like?

His wife said he's tall, handsome, black.

Oh, excuse me, African -American.

I can't do it. Why not?

Because I know...

I mean, I kissed this guy.

Oh, good to know.

No, no, Martin, that is off the record. You can't use that for testimony in the

divorce. Look, I cannot serve these papers.

Well, why not?

I mean, if you've already kissed him, you can't be that disappointed that his

marriage is breaking up.

Oh, oh, oh, I understand.

It's the thrill of cheating, isn't it? Oh, I like this guy.

You know, and it seems like he doesn't want to get divorced, so I don't want to

be the one to slap him with the papers.

I knew it.

You knew what?

Your mother swore up and down that you'd changed.

And I must say, even I was impressed by your performance, but it didn't last

long, did it? This has nothing to do with whether I've changed or not.

You've had this job three days, and you're already jeopardizing it for some

-conceived personal reason. It's not ill -conceived. Well, of course it is.

You think that if you don't serve this man, somehow magically his wife will not

divorce him.

No, I... If you don't serve him, somebody else will.

And all you will have accomplished is proving once again to me, your mother,

the rest of the world that you cannot be relied upon.

Well, what do you think?

It's pretty bad, man.

Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.

Well, you know, two -thirds of all restaurants go out of business in the

year. Mine's just going to beat the spring rush.

Well, you either need a bigger loan or a smaller restaurant.

No, no. The restaurant's cool as long as the theme is bring your own food.

Sounds like you've got to get a private investor.

Like who?

Oh, man, I can't ask you to do that.

Why not?

It's too risky an investment.

Sometimes the risky ones pay off the best.

Hey, look.

I'm between writing assignments, and my dot -com money is flowing.

Don't forget, okay? My biggest binges have always been right after a handout.

You know, my parents give me money for graduation.

They find me the next day naked in the zoo.

My grandfather dies. He leaves me a little something. I wake up two weeks

inside the Staten Island Ferry, and sadly, I am not talking about the boat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do me a favor. If the restaurant's reviewed, don't tell that

story to the food critic. I can't do it, Marcus.

You bailed me out too many times when I was a drunk. I don't want to go there

again. Well, what if I invested on terms that really sort of screwed you?

Okay, I'm listening. All right, standard return for the type of investment I

could put in would be 25%. I'd want no less than 28. 30.

29, that's as top as I let you go.

It's a pleasure doing business with you.

My brother, you drive a very soft body.

I got to go.

Hi. Hey, listen. I want to say I'm sorry for the other day. Oh, it's all right.

I also want to say that I'm very impressed that you showed up.

You're welcome.

So, what's up?

How's your life going?

The same.

Wow.

What?

Your life is the same. Mine is different.

Oh, Marcus, you're not going to start already, are you?

Start what?

That thing.

That you do, where somehow everything I say is bad.

What are you talking about?

The same. Wow, mine is so different. Like, by saying the same, I'm somehow

guilty of getting on with my life.

All right, baby, excuse me for trying to start a conversation.

I didn't start a fight. I was trying to start anything.

It's not like I can wait for you to do it.

Okay, can I get you folks some drinks?

Ah, yes, I'd like a glass of Merlot, please.

And I'll have a vodka tonic. No ice, no tonic.

And I saw you smile.

Yes, I did. I see it. It's not just a smirk. It's an official, you know. Thank

you.

I remember the first time I made you smile.

When?

We were at that funky little ice skating rink, remember?

And they played their little James Brown, and I jumped up and did my, and I

landed on my ass right on ice.

You laughed harder than I thought anybody could.

I was nice. I got you a doctor.

And ironically, he said, boy, put some ice on your ass.

And that's when I noticed what a beautiful smile you had.

Oh, Marcus, you always were a sweet talker.

I remember saying to myself,

you watch out for this one. This boy could talk you into anything.

And you did.

I mean, I know we're going through a difficult time.

Marcus. No, no, listen to me. We have something real.

We have something special. Marcus.

Billy, what are you doing here?

This is really hard for me.

And, you know, for you, but... What are you talking about? I have to do this.

Marcus Adams has been served.

Marcus, honey, I'm so sorry.

Look, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, and I think that it's best for

both of us if we just move on.

This is so perfectly you.

What's that supposed to mean?

You decided what's best for both of us, didn't you?

You didn't consult me. You called your lawyer and had him dump this shit in my

lap. So the discussion could be over before it even started, right? Marcus,

please. I didn't do that. Oh, no, I know. No, no. I know discussions take

right? And after all, this is your busy season.

Listen to me. Why?

Why?

This right here says everything you have to say and more. You know what it says?

You don't give a motherfucker what I think about anything, do you?

Okay. Do you folks know what you'd like to order tonight? No, thank you. I don't

want anything.

My wife has already served me.

Wow, weird, huh?

Yeah. Both unexpected and bad weird.

First of all, I want to say I'm sorry.

Secondly,

Well, so very sorry, but most importantly... Let me guess.

You're sorry.

You hate me?

No.

You were the messenger, but pretty flopped up way to get the message.

Mm -hmm.

What did you want, a trip around?

Might have been better.

Okay, here's my purse. I'll do it for you.

They just smile.

Like, you know, I wasn't even going to do it. And then I realized that you were

going to get served whether I did it or not. And I just figured it might be a

little bit easier coming from me.

That's it.