Original subtitles

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics, I don't

know.

liquid spinach.

Well, better get me some.

Mom!

Billy, darling!

Mom!

What are you doing here?

I'm standing in the hall with heavy bags waiting to be invited in. Who taught

you your manners?

I thought about you every moment I was gone.

Oh, please, you never even sent me a postcard. I don't know your address.

Oh, or my hobbies, my favorite foods, my birthday. Anyway, I thought you were in

Fiji with Martin.

Don't speak of him. He is a slithering, pork -tongued, side -winding dog. I get

it. He did the most hideous, cruelest thing imaginable. He watered down your

drink? Worse. What?

He cheated on me. How could he do that?

Maybe he took notes when you cheated on Daddy.

My, that would be ironic.

In any event, it was dreadful. There we were, vacationing in a South Pacific

paradise, when... Darling, come quick!

Dearest, I told you we're getting a seaweed wrap.

I was on my way when I witnessed an ugly accident involving a parasailor and a

palm tree. There's blood and coconuts everywhere. If you hurry, you can be the

first lawyer on the scene.

Find out who planted the palm tree and I'll be right there.

Why can't you come now? What are you doing?

Apparently, this girl... Good heavens!

The insects on this island get bigger every year.

Oh, Martin, how could you?

I never touched her. Tell her.

You see, this noble savage would not lie.

Expect on her back.

I can't believe that you would betray our love. Well, if you can't, don't.

Stop thinking it. I'm trying, but it's rather difficult when she was half naked

in our bed.

You see the lass as half naked.

I see the lass as half -clothed. Well, I don't want to see her at all. Or you.

I'm leaving.

After I've had my seaweed wrap.

Well, does this mean we're not going to the luau?

No need. I've already seen a pig in a sack.

How could he lie and cheat and distort the facts like that?

He's a lawyer.

And, in case you've forgotten, you cheated on Daddy, like, once a week.

Darling, that's absurd. It was much more than that.

But I was considerate enough never to get caught.

Point is that Martin's philandering has made me appreciate your father again.

I've decided to forgive him.

For what?

You left him on your anniversary. There are two sides to every story, darling.

There's also two sides to every commitment here, and yours and the one

be on. Are you deaf? But I know you're on my side, which is why you're going to

go and talk to your father for me. Absolutely not. Tell me, I can't go over

there and grovel. Go on, you do it for me. You've had so much practice.

Forget it, Mother. I refuse to get involved with this thing.

Well, then say hello to your new roommate.

I'll get my purse.

All right.

Now, clerk, if there's anything you don't understand, buddy, you just let us

know. and we're going to talk you through it, okay?

Why do you assume I don't know how to play?

Well, I mean, poker's kind of a man's game, and let's face it, you're not

exactly a man's man.

Actually, he is. And how.

So you think I can't play just because I'm a wealthy, pampered, neurotic gay

man? Well, yeah.

Actually, we're kind of counting on it.

No, no, no. He's just kidding. This is just a fun thing we do sometimes after a

meeting. Yeah. However, business has been really bad here at the coffee shop,

please feel free to just bet your little ass off, okay? Now, name it again.

Seven -card stud.

How many cards do we get?

I'm going to give everyone eight cards. It's a Polish game.

You get seven, huh?

All right.

Thanks, sugar.

He's already got the stud.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I had no wife, no girlfriend.

Sounds like my life. All right.

Two down.

Cards come up, okay? That's a bullet. Seven. Another bullet.

Seven. Is it good to have all ones?

I fold.

I'm out. Honey,

you shouldn't tell other people what cards you have.

Really? Well, it seems so sneaky.

Now, listen, Clark. Any time you want to tell me what cards you have, you just

go right ahead. Yeah.

You can tell me, too.

Thanks, guys. You're so nice.

I've got a very good feeling about this game.

Then I fold.

Hey. Oh, hi, honey.

Wow, Dad, look at you. You go mountain climbing for a couple weeks and you come

back looking like an ad for a Timberlands senior wear. What do you

same guy I was when I left.

Buffalo jerky?

No, thanks. I'm bison intolerant.

You don't know what you're missing.

Yeah, but I bet I know what you've been missing.

Mom, right?

Huh? Huh?

Mom who?

Oh. Oh, come on. You remember that tall, beautiful blonde woman that used to

bump into the furniture?

She's back, and she'd like to bump into you.

Well, I don't want to bump into her.

Even though she left Martin?

She did.

Oh, and what did he do to deserve that, huh? Trust her, love her, worship the

ground she walked on? Nah, he humped a native girl.

Good. Okay.

Okay, then I'll tell her you'll take her back. I'd rather eat glass.

So you're on the fence.

I'm sorry, Billy. I have moved on.

Maxie?

Where's my diaphragm?

Uh -oh.

Okay. Please tell me that you're giving her singing lessons.

Billy, this is Heidi. We met on the mountain.

That makes sense. Heidi, mountain grandfather.

Hi. Oh. Oh.

Did your father tell you how we got together?

He lured you away with candy.

No. Oh.

We were at base camp, and I was short a piton. Oh.

So your father slipped his spike into my fanny pack.

On a first date?

Yeah.

And then I climbed the face.

His or the mountain?

Heidi, honey, why don't you go make us some trail mix? Sure.

She's old enough to be left alone in the kitchen because I don't want her

running near all those corners.

Look, I know what you're going to say. She's young enough to be my daughter.

Dad, she's young enough to be my daughter. Hey, she likes older men.

So what? Then find her a nice sophomore.

Come on, Dad. I mean, don't you miss Mom at all?

Why should I?

Heidi is fun, she adores me, and she's a lot more sophisticated than you think.

Gee, this is the biggest CD I have ever seen.

You know what's fun?

About these tips are filthy.

Gee, Clark, sorry our money isn't cleaner.

You know, if it really bothers you, you could just give it back.

Nah.

I'd bet five.

Act bold.

You didn't even look at your... cards.

Fine.

I fold.

Man, you fold faster than a speed freak in an origami tournament.

Why don't you just leave aunties for the next 30 hands, go see a movie. Hey, I'm

still ahead of you.

Not for long.

Well, I'm out.

Yeah, we noticed.

All right, I'm going to see you, and I'm going to raise you 10.

I got nothing. See you're 10, raise you 50.

Oh.

All right, I make it.

Two.

Uh, Dave, you sure you got that kind of money to throw around?

I know what I'm doing.

Fifty more.

I call.

I have a house.

You're into the full house? Full house? I had three queens!

Hell, who had... I can't believe it. I just walked 600 bucks to a guy who's

never even played poker before.

What can I say? You drew two, so I knew you had trips.

When I filled out my vote with aces on top, I knew it was 24 to 1 against you

giving me a bad beat.

When did you learn to speak poker?

Man, I think we've just been hustling.

Making stereotypical assumptions can be something like getting your nipples

pierced. You know, we've all done it, and it's a lot of fun, but when you lose

your shirt, you look like an idiot.

Well,

look at the time.

I would, but you're one of my lucky poker wives. Two hands would go. Come

come on, come on. We're playing a nice, friendly game of poker here, so please

sit the fuck down and deal.

I can.

I don't want to be out late carrying all this cash.

See ya.

Yeah, I'm leaving, too.

Yo, hey, Clark.

How about some gas, mighty man? Come on, guys. Just one more hand, huh? A couple

more hands. One.

Three more hands. Guys, please. One. Half. Guys, please.

I'll play.

Fine.

Now I fold.

Oh, darling, does your father want me back?

Oh, is that a gift from him to welcome me home? If so, I can't say much for the

wrapping. Mom, I think you should have a drink.

To celebrate?

Yes, your new life as a single person.

No!

Who will love me? I mean, who will hold me at night? Who will pay my bills?

Probably no one.

You're not very good at this.

comforting thing, are you? Which is why I brought the vodka.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you, but I don't like to drink from the bottle,

darling, so do you have a straw or a funnel? I'm fresh out of funnels, but I

have two of these new -fangled liquid transfer gadgets called glasses.

Well, I'm skeptical, but I'll try anything, won't I?

Darling, no! What are you doing?

This is how they work. You're drinking!

I'm trying to.

No, darling, I won't have you drinking over my misfortunes. Besides, I'm going

to need the whole bottle. Mother, I'm not drinking because of you. I drink all

the time now.

Oh.

See, the rules of your little program have loosened up a bit.

There's new management.

Darling, are you sure? I mean, your sobriety seemed to be the one thing you

going for you. That one thing wasn't enough, so I started drinking again.

no big deal.

Oh, I'm sorry.

So sorry, I need another drink.

Look, don't worry, Mom, because you know what they say, that which doesn't kill

us makes us stronger. And this is my liquid spinach.

Actually, vodka is made from potatoes. But the important thing is, why doesn't

your father want me back?

Well, he could be holding a grudge.

Or holding his new girlfriend.

No. Yes.

It's another woman.

Well, in a few years, she'll be a woman.

Oh, my God.

What am I to do?

I'm penniless, competing with a girl half my age.

More like an eight.

Must be a way to make your father want me back.

I've got a plan.

Only this will require you to get rid of the jail bait.

If this plan includes chloroform rope or the trunk of my car, I'm out.

Okay, plan B.

You take the girl to the movies.

I will go to your father, and I will do all the things I did on our wedding

night, only this time with him.

How much are these?

Those are a buck fifty, but I'll shoot you for them, double or nothing.

I can't do that. I'm in Gambler's Anonymous.

You're bluffing.

Dave, you think you might have a gambling problem?

Yeah, the problem is I lost.

Gosh, um, have I put on weight, or are my pockets just stuffed with your money?

Shouldn't you be setting up a shell game at an old folks' home or maybe

swindling some poor orphan out of his gruel money?

Well, you know, at least the orphans don't cry when they lose.

Well, you're going to be crying after tonight's game, my friend.

Dave, please quit while you're behind.

Dave, I can't take any more of your money.

I don't have time to wash it all.

What are you afraid, that you might lose? Huh?

You know, Dave, I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of heights, flying,

the dark, night lights, tubing.

But I'm not afraid of losing to you, my friend.

Tooby. Clark's a chicken.

That's it.

Be here at seven and bring clean money.

Oh,

hi, hon.

You know, it's really sweet of you to take Heidi out for the afternoon.

You know, well, I thought she could use a play date.

Now, has she had her nap? Because I don't want her to get cranky. Well, I

put her to bed for about an hour this afternoon.

I may never stop shuddering. Hey, Billy!

Uh -oh.

This will be so cool.

Although it is a little weird going out with my boyfriend's daughter.

Oh, don't think of me as your boyfriend's daughter. Just think of me

who's related to the extremely old man that you're shooping. Okay, so you two

kids have fun, huh?

And shooping.

Well, you see, Heidi, when two people are very much in love, or just drunk and

horny... Hello,

Max. Trudy, how did you get in here?

I crawled in through the broken bathroom window.

The window in the bathroom is not broken.

It is now.

Oh, like my heart was when you left.

Can we really say who left who?

Yes. The one who packed her bags, got in a cab and ran off with another man.

Just checking.

I've seen the error of my ways, Max.

So I've left Martin to come back to you.

Billy said he cheated on you.

The semantics.

I missed you.

I love you.

I want to.

Trudy, no. What you did to me was terrible.

I know.

I need a spanking.

I just don't know if I can trust you again. Trust will come. In the meantime,

why don't we?

All right, boys and girls, the dealer's choice is the Texas Hold 'em. There will

be five on the table and two in the hole.

Remind me of my 21st birthday party.

All right, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that you fold.

I bet 50.

I fold.

Well, come on, come on. What did you have that was so great that you actually

bet something?

Sorry, boys, but like my ex -wife used to say, you have to pay to see him.

Are we talking or are we playing poker?

Somebody's getting a little snippy here. Now he's not winning quite so much,

huh? What are you talking about? I'm killing you.

Not as bad as last night.

Oh, that's telling him.

Okay, boys.

Next game.

Gee, Magic Mountain was so fun.

Thanks for going in the filter world with me. My pleasure.

The only thing I love more than puking is waiting in line two hours to do it.

So, listen, I have to make a phone call.

Don't talk to any strangers while I'm gone.

Hello.

Oh, Mom, I cannot take much more of this. This girl could bore her way

sheet metal.

Well, speaking of drilling, darling, things are going very well with your

father. Great, so I can bring her back now?

Um, well, no, probably best if you didn't.

What? Here's your father.

Good news, sweetheart.

Your mother and I are back together.

You will tell Heidi, won't you?

Me? You want me to dump her for you? I think it would be, you know, more

comfortable for everyone concerned, especially me.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Leave her on the doorstep of some other old

man? Sounds good. Thanks, hon.

Oh, Billy, can I use your phone?

I want to call your dad and make sure he's not lonely.

Uh, don't worry. He's not.

Heidi, have you ever gotten really drunk?

No. Well, you are going to love it. It's just like the Tilt -A -Whirl, only you

stand still and everything else spins around.

Wow!

I'll see you and raise you 50.

I fold.

You already folded.

I just want to remind everyone.

All right.

So you're 50, my friend, and I'm going to raise you 100.

Oh, man.

I'm out, and you're out of your motherfucking mind.

No, I'm not.

So you can raise you another 100.

Fine. Fine, okay?

You think that you can smoke me out?

You're wrong, okay? This is canned, and I'm going to win it all back. Now, I'm

going to see your 100, and I'm going to raise you...

Okay.

$500.

Now, Dave, you can't afford $500.

Another $800.

And you've never even seen $800.

Sorry, Dave, I don't see enough chips there. I can't bet. If you don't have

chips, you can't play. If you can't bet, I win.

Wait.

Okay.

I'm going to see your $800, and I'm going to raise you.

The coffee shop?

What?

You can't bet the coffee shop. Why not? Too rich for your blood?

Huh? My great -grandmother invented the safety pin. It's not too rich for my

spit. Big deal. You've been losing all night.

Chicken? Huh?

Dave,

I'm telling you this to be kind. You cannot beat my hand.

I have four eights, Dave.

Okay? I'm telling you what I have. I have four eights. What are you doing,

Just put up or shut up?

Huh?

Fine. I'm in for the cost of your business. Quick. Good, man. Can you beat

full house kings on top? Yeah, I have four eights.

Boy, am I glad I folded. I don't believe that.

Why? I fold everything.

No, that he had four eights. He told you he had four eights. I thought he was

bluffing. I mean, people do that in poker. They bluff.

Shit.

Oh, my God. What did I do? I lost my business.

You think you have problems?

I found a coffee shop that some moron opened between two Starbucks.

Come on, but Heidi, don't you miss home?

The mountain air?

The clear water?

The lack of anything remotely interesting to clutter your teeny

But I want to grow old with your father.

It's late. He's already done that.

If you want to be changing diapers in a few years, wouldn't you rather it be

your baby than my father's?

I guess there are other fish in this sea. Yeah, of course there are.

Younger fish who aren't always bitching about their prostates.

Oh, oh, oh, look.

Isn't that cute guy at the bar?

Yeah. Huh?

He's pretty cute, isn't he?

I guess so. Yeah, I guess so.

To him.

Come on. Like Catherine the Great said, if you fall off the horse, you should

get back under it.

Hi.

She really does like him when they've been put out to pasture.

I'm the most monumental idiot of all time.

I mean, in the history of stupidity, there's never been a bigger imbecile.

Well, admitting it is the first step.

I lost my coffee shop.

How could I do that?

How could you sit there and let me do that?

What the hell did you want me to do? Knock your ass out and drag you bodily

the building?

Sure. Now you think of a good idea.

Listen, Dave, I've been up all night thinking about what to do with this

Yeah? The truth is, what with my fear of dairy products and dirt sticks, coffee

shops and I just don't get along.

You don't?

No. So I'm giving it back.

I washed the keys for you.

I, um, Clark, I don't... How can I...

Oh, wow.

Man, you can keep my money and my watch.

Oh, who the hell is waking me up at the crack of...

Noon.

Shit. There's a cross and some holy water when you need it.

Well, I'm not surprised you can't find them in this mess.

I need to see your mother.

Yeah, well, you know, you should have thought about that before you started

banging the Fijiite.

Fijian, Fajita, whatever the hell you call them, okay?

You have to let me in.

Why, because you're so heartbroken?

No, because you're slamming the door on my foot and I'll sue the crap out of

you. Look,

Martin, she is not here, okay? She got back together with my father.

Dear God, she must be desperate.

A garden rake has more charisma.

And she chose him, so what does that make you?

Anyway, why don't you go take out a slippery floor?

I have associates to do that.

Look, Billy, I think you've formed the wrong impression of me.

You're a home -wrecking scumbag.

So your impression was correct.

The thing is, I genuinely love your mother, and I want her back.

Too bad, because she doesn't want you.

Afternoon, darling.

Come to pick up my thing.

No,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're wasting your time. I feel nothing for you anymore.

Oh, Chrissy.

Your palms are sweating.

Your breasts are heaving and you're shaking from head to toe.

Either you're having a heart attack or you love me.

Either way, you need mouth to mouth.

You're a beast.

So tame me.

That sounds like a good idea. You whip him and I'll hit him with a chair.

Martin, how could you hurt me like that?

Students, you have to give me a chance to plead my case.

Don't try to sweet talk me.

You may be hung, but the jury isn't.

You must let me explain.

You see... Housecleaning.

Come in, but be quiet about it. I'm composing a sonnet to the woman I love

faithfully and with all my heart, so I don't wish to be disturbed.

When first I laid my eyes on you, my dove,

my heart was pierced.

by Cupid's pointy wood.

His arrow made me slip and fall in love.

I'd view the little bastard if I could.

That is quite a quatrain, sir.

I find the pentameter very arousing.

Perhaps you'd like to scan this.

Good heavens, woman, what are you doing? Cover yourself.

I'd rather be under the covers with you.

No, no, no. I don't want you. I only want Trudy, who's the sweetest, the

prettiest. Darling, come quick.

Um, dearest, I thought you were getting a seaweed wrap.

Oh, Martin, can you ever forgive me for doubting you?

Mother, you don't really believe him, do you?

Planets could pass through the holes in that story.

I'm sorry you feel like that, darling, but who are... I asked you to get

involved. You did.

Oh, just checking.

Come, dearest.

My mansion awaits.

I've had the jacuzzi filled with Dom Perignon.

I'll get my snorkel.

I've already got mine.

Boy, and I had finally just stopped stuttering.

Papa, darling.

Mother, what about Daddy?

Oh, right.

Break it to him gently, will you, darling?

What am I... Am I the designated dumper? It's only right that you fix things.

After all, it's your fault that we got into this mess in the first place.

Mother, are you out of your mind?

Charlie, try to understand.

I'm in love.

I'll call you.

I won't.

I guess being in love means you never have to say you're crazy.

Man, this family is fucked up.

They could drive a person to drink.

Thank God I've got a drink here, so I don't have to drive.

Spinach.

Although, I have been drinking a lot lately, but... Oh, well. I am what I am.

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