Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening.

Started out the longest day. It was a rude awakening.

And now I've got to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics. I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone who understands?

Witty? A great dresser? He's gay.

Why do you assume that? You're gay and you're none of those things.

A saucer of milk for Miss Frank?

No, trust me, he is straight. He asked me out. I would have jumped him right

there in Starbucks, but I didn't want to lose my place in line.

I can't believe you.

Really? What?

We sleep together two days ago, and you just casually walk in here and announce

in front of everybody that you went to Starbucks?

Oh, Dave, I'm sorry.

I mean, it's not that I don't love your coffee. I do.

Obviously not enough.

Oh, come on, Dave.

It just happened. I mean, I passed by, I had a coupon, one thing led to another,

and next thing you know, I was wiping cream off my lip.

Stop that, you know? It's bad enough you did it. You don't have to tell me the

details. Oh, you're right. I apologize. That was intensive.

So, back to the guy I'm going to fuck tonight.

Billy, if you really like this guy, you shouldn't rush to have sex with him.

So what, I should rush to have sex with guys I don't like?

No. It's just that in the short time I've known you, you've developed a very

clear dating pattern. One that doesn't involve dating.

Oh, I tend to cut to the chase.

You tend to cut out the chase.

You know, it's hard for someone to chase you when you've got your legs wrapped

around them. And a little unnecessary.

I don't get many complaints.

You don't get many second dates either. Mm -hmm.

Yes, I do. But with their friends.

I get a lot of referrals.

Billy, I just don't think it's wise for you to rush into the whole physical

thing. I mean, it's at least the fourth date before any of my clothes come off.

The fourth date?

Christ, what kind of homosexual are you? I mean, most gay men drop their drawers

by the fourth word of your saw or mine.

That is a grotesque gay stereotype that used to describe me to a T.

But after years of extensive therapy and self -help groups, I've learned to curb

my urges.

Including my urge to be on a curb flagging down truckers to blow.

Oh, trucker.

What's the appeal?

My father was a trucker.

So I'm still working through a few issues.

I thought we were talking about me. What happened?

A little thing called a conversation.

Right now.

Anyway, weren't you the one who told me you haven't had many committed

relationships? No.

I said any.

Keep talking. You're making my point. No, honestly, honestly, this is the

guy I can even think of that I wouldn't laugh at the idea of having a

relationship with him. Thank you.

Oh, come on. A long -term relationship to you is an elevator ride that lasts

more than five floors. Three, you know, and four, I get out and take the stairs.

Billy, if you want this to be more than just another meaningless fling, then

you'll have to follow some very simple rules.

I only have one rule. No comment.

They write really great love letters, but you always have to go to their

Tell me about it.

Hey, write these down.

Okay, first date, don't go home with him.

So you're saying that we should do it in the car?

No, no. At the end of the date, you should just shake hands.

Second date, kissing, but no groping. Third date, groping, but no sex.

Fourth date, sex, but ladylike.

Oh, so you're saying that I should be a manipulative, game -playing prick tease.

Also known as a lady.

Okay, fine.

I'll try it.

For the first few dates, I'll be a lady.

Then I'll be a tramp.

So you were a model while you were in medical school?

Oh, well, I only did one spread, and actually all the guys on the Olympic

team were in it.

Wow.

Plus, you were on the Olympic swim team?

Oh. Geez, I hope so. Otherwise, I shave my legs for nothing. I know the feeling.

Enough about me. I'd rather hear about you.

Well, normally I would, too. But you are so fascinating.

Yeah.

I'd like to order some privacy, please.

You know, I know a private place. My beach house in Malibu. Oh, that would be

great. Yeah.

But I'm allergic to sand.

So we'll just stay in the house.

Oh, no, no. If I even see sand, I break out in hives. You know, I had to take a

suit of that to watch Lawrence of Arabia. When I was little, I couldn't

have a sandbox.

Instead, I had a box of gravel.

Try building a castle with that crap.

I'm not allergic to sand.

I guess tomorrow night, I'll just have to take you out to some sandless,

waiterless location.

Oh, I could just kiss you for that.

Tomorrow.

No, no, no, no. Look, don't get me wrong. I really do like you.

Almost as much as that waiter does.

Oh, I don't think so. Look what he wrote on the bill.

Wow. This is a full -service establishment.

Hey. I want you to have sex with me.

Okay. Don't you want to know why?

No, not really. You know, I had such a good time on my date. I mean, Jim is

the greatest guy.

Oh, lower.

Andy asked me out again.

I guess Clark's advice is really paying off. It's working for me.

You know, who'd have thought you're not supposed to sleep with a guy if you

really like him?

Luckily,

you're not too likable. Thank God.

In fact, I'm scum.

I'm scummier than he is. How come no one's knocking on the door to get a

of me?

Oh, come on, Jack. Gee, no one is comier than Dave.

Jackie, please.

Dave, women's basketball is on, and the point guard is a baby. I'm sorry,

Jackie. You can tape the game. I cannot tape what's about to happen here.

Can I? Not in this lighting.

You did?

I did what you said to do, which is not to do it.

Oh, congratulations.

That's the first time you didn't do something I told you not to do.

I'm so proud.

And Jim asked me out for a second date, which is the first that I can remember.

Most of my dates happened during blackouts.

They weren't dates so much as unexplained chunks of lost time.

I know the name of that tune. It's a little ditty I call coming out of a

blackout covered in leaves, wondering exactly what happened after I said, hi,

name is Clark.

Long title.

But that was the old sex addict Clark.

Now I follow the same rules I gave you, and helping you helps me.

Wow. I helped you without even trying to or realizing I was? That ought to be my

favorite way. How'd I do it?

Because I met someone.

Oh. Yeah, I'm also going to hold out for four dates.

Oh, so we're both not doing it together.

Maybe we'll have a double wedding.

It'll be three grooms and a bride.

But we'll have to do it in Hawaii, and even then it won't really be legal. Who

cares? We'll sell the gift.

Well, thanks for spending $150 to win me this... It was refreshing to see you do

something you're not so good at.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you want to see me do something else I'm not good at, we

should go dancing tomorrow night. Oh, wear boots.

Date? Hawaii? Here I come.

What's that? You're going to Hawaii? I thought you were allergic to sand.

Oh, well, not black sand.

Well, you know what they say. Once you go black, you can never go back.

So when do you get back?

From where?

Hawaii. Oh, no, that's just a saying. When I'm really happy, I say, Hawaii,

I come.

Oh.

Hawaii, here I come.

Oh, wahoo.

Yeah, you took the words right out of my mouth.

So, can I come in?

No. I would really love to invite you in, but not until the third date. You

know, I just, I have this rule, and I'm very strict about it. Oh, well, that's

so sweet.

I didn't think there were any girls around like you anymore.

Well, most of us died of frustration.

But there are a few left, much like this short -necked giraffe.

I don't know about those giraffes, but you have a beautiful neck.

Oh, well, thank you on behalf of my neck.

And shoulder.

Collarbone and all my other bodily parts which are flattered but tired. Good

night.

Well, tell your ears to look for the phone because I'll call you tomorrow.

Hard to play how I did that when you're so fucking easy.

The turkey pot pie's gone bad. No, thank you.

Besides, I got a little piece of pot pie of my own that should be here any

minute.

Yeah, right about now, Billy's finishing her date with Jim, refusing to sleep

with him, and on her way down here to tear off my clothes.

Again? Two nights in a row?

Yeah. God, Jim really likes her.

Which should make me feel bad about what I'm doing.

No, nothing.

God, I wish there was a clit -cheesing lesbian who wanted to use me for cheap

sex. You know what? Helping you find one of those is going to be my first order

of business right after I get laid. So how was your day?

Fabulous.

And how was your evening, Jackie? It was great, thanks. I asked myself out to

the kitchen.

And for a nice change, I took myself back into the bedroom where I put the

on me. And with my luck, I still won't get lucky.

Oh, Tim.

Did you just call me Jim?

Do you have a problem with that?

I prefer Dave.

Look, would you rather I be with you and call out his name or be with him and

call out yours?

Wouldn't you put it like that?

Okay, here we go.

No foreplay at all.

She didn't even have time for three plays.

I'm telling you, this guy Jim is great, man. He's the best dating aid since

Rufus. Yeah, well, you're a class act, Dave.

Don't declare that as Jim.

You know, I was always wondering what was missing from my relationships, and

I know.

You do? Yeah. The other guy.

The guy who'll take her out and wine her and dine her, you know, basically do

all the work. And then when he's through, I come in, man, I clean up. I'm

clean up guy.

Yeah, you certainly are.

I could have used another man when I was married.

You know, to take care of the preliminaries with Estelle. Yeah. Or the

damn thing, for that matter.

I'm a worthless piece of shit.

You shouldn't even talk to me.

Okay. So how about them Lakers? Yeah.

That's right.

Shun me. It's what I deserve.

I hate myself.

Not just the everyday kind of hatred, but I can't stand being around Clark for

one more second hatred.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I think so.

Can I get a cup of coffee? Yeah, coming up.

Don't you want to go too?

Yeah, but I'm waiting on my bedcloth.

What's the problem?

I'm a hypocrite. I think I despise most in the world.

I advised Billy to be a lady and then I went out last night and I was a total

slut.

You're not a slut for going out on a date.

I fucked him in the first two minutes.

You're a slut.

Right in the foyer.

In the foyer?

Portal. Entryway. Oh, man, I'm not up on my homosexual slang.

It's not homosexual. It's architectural.

Haven't you heard of a foyer?

Just calm down, man. Don't get your panties all in a twist.

I guess I do know some gay slang.

What am I going to tell Billy?

You don't have to tell her nothing. You're a sponsor, not her girlfriend.

don't have to tell her every little thing.

God.

I can't help myself.

Usually when I have sexual urges, they're immediately followed by thoughts

Mother flapping my hands, then hissing and caressing them.

You don't have to tell me every little thing, either. But this time... I was

just swarmed by this tsunami of... Where's that bear claw?

He's so wonderful.

You would love him. You know, you two have a lot in common. Oh, I doubt that,

man. There is nothing gay about me.

Except that little purse you wear.

This is not a purse. This is a pouch.

A petite little... Okay, I think I see your point.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh, no.

No? Yes.

Oh, okay, which is it?

Oh, you have to go.

Oh, no.

Wow, I've heard of teases before, but you're actually teasing yourself.

You can't stay. I mean, don't you see? I'm not that kind of a girl. I'm

and I'm pure.

You're wearing a G -string. Well, no, I'm not wearing a G -string.

It's a very skimpy chastity belt.

That's okay.

I'll pick the lock with my tongue.

Well, it is a combination lock.

No, you know, you have to go. I mean, I don't feel well. I'm very hot. Feel me.

No, no, no, don't. Don't, don't, don't feel.

Okay, maybe you should just lie down and let the doctor examine you. Well, I am

overdue for my physical.

Oh, well, then say ah.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay.

That's fine with me, but you've got to stay on top.

Whatever.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Dave.

Oh, Jim.

Look, would you rather I be with you and call out his name or be with him and

call out yours?

Well, that question is just too disturbing to answer right now, so shut

Okay.

Okay. Again?

Could you guys at least hang something on the door? You know, like a coat

or a tie or a girl for me? Look, I'm sorry, Jackie, but this isn't going to

a long time. Hey, hey, if you talk like that, it's not going to happen at all.

Oh, yeah.

You're right.

Oh, anyway, when we're done, we'll all play Scrabble. Okay.

Could you give me a shout -out when you're done? Because I hate to walk in

while you guys are having sex and embarrass you.

I don't get embarrassed.

Well, I've seen you.

And you should.

Pass the sugar, please.

Sure.

Enjoy it.

Now, how about some coffee to go with that?

Sorry. A little tired.

I didn't sleep much last night, you know. Well, neither did I.

Haven't heard that much squealing since beige.

Oh,

hello, people.

Why are the birds singing? Why is the sky so blue? I'll tell you why. Because

tonight I am finally going to get laid.

Finally? What do you think we've been doing?

Rehearsing. Well, sort of an undress rehearsal.

And tonight is opening night for my legs, and Jim has a box seat.

I don't think you're ready to go on. I think your performance needs a little

fine -tuning. No, it doesn't. I've seen it three times in...

It's good.

Thank you.

Oh, Clark, your advice is working perfectly. Thank you so much. This guy

into me that he's going to be into me.

You know how I can tell?

Because he called when he said he was going to call. I mean, like today, he

he'd call at 5 o 'clock and... I'm so happy.

Hello, Jim.

Hi.

You're a complete fraud.

No.

I blew it. I told you no detail.

It's been four days and I still haven't heard from Henry.

Why can't I just follow my own advice?

It's just so typical.

You know, you sleep with a guy on the first date and then you never hear from

him again.

Men.

What am I going to do?

Oh, oh, Jackie.

A clerk here needs advice on dating and obviously this is more your department

than mine, so are you kidding? How do you figure that? I haven't had a date in

three months. I never had a penis that didn't strap on. Ew.

So, um, in the case of lesbians, who calls who?

Apparently, no one.

Well, there's your answer.

This isn't helping at all.

Clark, why don't you make the first call? Maybe he's sitting at home having

hissy fit because you're not calling him.

Do you think?

That'd be great.

Maybe I'm playing hard to get and I don't even know it.

There you go, son. You got to take command. Call this dude.

Tell him when you're going out, where you're going, and what... Pretty little

thing you want him to wear. It's okay. I can do this. I can take command.

Think Clint Eastwood.

Yeah.

Henry. Clark.

Make my day.

And meet me at the sculpture garden.

Say, noonish?

Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it'll be adorable.

How's that?

Clint would be proud.

What a lovely surprise.

Surprise? I just called you from the car.

Well, still lovely.

I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous. I've just really been looking forward to

tonight. Really. So much.

Just a lot.

Which makes this all the harder.

Already? Great.

No, no, Billy.

We need to talk.

But we've already talked so much. I mean, I feel we know each other. Enough.

I feel I know you, too. And that's how I know this is never going to work.

What?

Like, Billy, I feel terrible about this, but I've been seeing someone else. You

have? But why? I mean, what can she give you that I can't? Well, to be perfectly

honest, sex.

Oh, I can give you that. In fact, I was going to give you that tonight.

No, no, Billy, Billy, this isn't you.

No, yes, it is.

No, no, Billy, don't do this. You're not that kind of girl. Yes, I am.

I've been in more beds than the Tooth Fairy.

Stop, stop.

I can't watch you do this. No, you can. You can watch me do anything. You can

even participate.

Look, I'm a slut, okay?

You can call anyone. I have numbers.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but there's a certain intimacy you get only when

having sex with someone. I slept with Tracy right away, and we just bonded.

Well, I can do bonded.

Billy, someday you're going to meet a nice boy next door type, and the two of

you will live happily ever after.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, I hope that slutty girl gives you an infection.

Okay, easy.

How many sides are on an isosceles triangle?

Four.

It's a triangle.

You know what? We've been playing this for seven hours. Neither one of us has a

single point.

Well, we suck at this game. Well, this game is totally insignificant.

It's almost trivial.

You can't believe it. I wait four dates, I still don't get laid.

Great, great. I'm undoing the couch as we speak. Oh, here we go again.

So, listen, I think that we should start with the doggy style and then work our

way through the animal kingdom, skipping, of course, the seahorse where

gets pregnant, because, frankly, I don't want to give up smoking.

What are you babbling about?

No idea. But I started with sex and I ended with smoking, which sounds right,

doesn't it? No, I didn't come here to get laid. I came here to bitch and moan.

Moan I can work with. And the bitch, that brings me back to the doggy style.

actually feel like we're really connecting.

No, nothing is connecting.

I mean, I'm too pissed off.

Jim just broke up with me. And get this, because I'm a nice girl.

How fucked up is that?

I mean, next time I like a man, it's sleep with him first and ask questions

later. Like, excuse me, what was your name? Well, I'm Dave. I'm the new guy.

No. Okay, it's not the same. Without Jim, it's just you.

Well, I know how you feel.

He made you more exciting for me, too, you know.

I mean, without him, we're just a couple of horny neighbors.

But you know what? I'm okay with that. But you know what? I'm not. Why should

you get what you want when I didn't get what I want?

Because life is unfair, and I'm really horny.

No.

Fine. I miss Jim.

Not as much as I do.

I feel terrible.

Me too.

I think we should do something that makes us feel better.

What is there besides sex?

Haagen -Dazs.

Like a chocolate chocolate chip?

Yeah, I'll go get us some.

Hey, but first, let's call Jim and hang up.

Huh?

Oh,

there he is, the gay dear Abby. Thank you for ruining my life.

What are you talking about? Jim dumped me.

Why? Well, apparently while I was playing hard to get, he was getting hard

someone else.

I'm really sorry, Billy. You know, maybe he just wasn't the right guy. Oh, no,

he was the right guy. But then he left.

Me. For a slut.

Which is ironic, because I am a slut. And I was only pretending not to be one

because of you and your stupid rules.

They're not rules, really. They're more like suggestions.

Look, the point is, if I had just been myself, I would be with that guy right

now instead of here with you. Ow, my nipple! I should have just been honest.

Well, I'm sorry the rules didn't work for you.

But for some of us, they do.

Hi, Tiger.

I know we weren't supposed to meet later, but I just couldn't wait to see

You are so sweet.

So I guess this must be Henry.

I'm sorry. I'm not usually like this, but Clark and I just had this instant

attraction.

This guy is an animal.

He's exaggerating.

Oh, Matt.

He pounced on me the minute he saw me.

Why do you think I call him Tiger?

Because he's a great big lion.

Now, I said they were just suggestions.

Not even. More like pointers.

Vague notions, really.

Henry, do you mind if I talk to Clark for a second? Alone?

Uh, not at all. Thank you.

Clark. Billy. Clark. No, Billy. Now, there's no reason to get nasty. If I had

gotten nasty in the first place, everything would be fine.

I'm sure your personality would have driven him off sooner or later.

Probably sooner.

Let me ask you this, Tiger.

Would it be ladylike for me to kick your ass?

I wouldn't if I were you.

I'm dating a Marine.

Oh, so you did two tours and none.

Covert Ops, Mekong Delta.

Force Recon, Desert Storm.

Emperor Fire.

Hoorah!

Man,

you guys did a good job over there. In fact, I feel like I'm looking at a

younger version of myself.

I see you met Henry.

Yeah, I met... This is Henry?

Yeah. You're Henry?

Yeah. You know, Milt helped bring us together.

Really? Thank you, Milt. Well, you're welcome. Don't ask, don't tell.

Don't you fall your him in front of me.

Leather.