All language subtitles for Rude Awakening s02e09 Bite Me

No matter where I go, somebody's got to
see. I've got to see the basics, I don't

know any real.

Where will I find someone to understand?

Since you two are a disaster waiting to
happen... Which never waits.

We, your sponsors, have put together a
little peace treaty that we'd like you

sign. In blood.

As long as it is.

Like you haven't sucked it all out of
me.

Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine. Use a pen.

The blood was just metaphorical.

This is so exciting.

Kind of like the salt talks.

You know, salt...

The solutions about love treaty.

Or the psychotic annoying lush treaty.
Psychotic doesn't start with S, you

moron. But suck my dick does.

No, that starts with P, as in please,
please, please suck my dick. This is

to become the shut up before I rip your
lungs out treaty.

You know something, Milt?

Anger is a little like a 300 -pound
hooker.

It's a cheap way for you to get off, but
it just isn't pretty.

That reminds me, I have to call my
sister.

Ah, free at last.

Dave, I have a lovely partying gift for
you.

Oh, yeah, like you're going to be able
to stop stalking me and just move on to

somebody else. Just like that.

Brian.

Apparently so.

It's in the ink on the treaty. It's an
even drive.

Hey, Billy, you ready to go?

I am so ready I started without you.

Sounds like I've got some catching up to
do. Oh, don't worry. I'm easy to catch.

So is malaria.

She is immature, annoying, and rude.

God, is she hot.

Let me refer you to paragraph six of the
treaty you just signed.

What? I said she was hot.

Yeah, so is napalm. Why don't you try
sticking your dick in that?

It'll be less painful.

I'm no chemist, but I doubt that's true.

Well, you've tried one and I've tried
the other, so I guess we'll never know.

Only in the jungle, huh?

You're going to knock out a lens.

Look, man, if you don't like abuse,
you've got to start hanging with someone

other than Billy.

Someone who's supportive, loving,
caring. You know what I'm telling you?

move out of Hollywood.

What, you think I go looking for the
wrong women?

Looking? Man, you take out full -page
ads.

Scary, slutty, called A.

That's not fair.

Come here.

Come here, come here. What? Come here.

See that chick over there?

What, the ivory soap girl with the
kittens?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, that's the kind
of decent, loving, sensitive woman that

you need.

Go see if you can fuck her.

Excuse me, miss.

I own the coffee shop.

Oh, I bet you don't allow animals in
here, right?

I'm sorry.

I just found these poor little guys over
at the Mission where I volunteer, and I

just thought maybe someone in here would
be able to give them a nice home.

Would you like to hold one? Sure.

You know, a lot of women have told me
that I have a way with their cats, just

not in those words.

It's nice.

I had a great time tonight.

Although, had I known we were going ice
skating, I would have worn underwear.

No, I wouldn't.

Well, you certainly were a big hit with
the Mighty Might hockey team.

How about a body check?

I'm glad you had fun.

I was a little worried there. You kept
falling.

Oh, for you? I mean, I'm a natural
clerk. Oh, no, look.

Oh, my hero.

I guess this is the uncomfortable moment
at the end of the date, huh?

Oh, no. That's about an hour off. Two if
you've been taking your vitamin. No

pressure. Sounds tempting, but I gotta
go.

This is the uncomfortable moment at the
end of the day.

Oh, man, Match Adams is the best lesbian
porn film I have ever seen, and I have

seen many. Well, obviously, you've never
seen My Fair Livia.

Actually, I have. Thank you for leaving
the bathroom door open.

Well, anything to knock a few bucks off
the rent.

Oh, okay.

Popcorn's ready. Would you pause it? I
don't want to miss the climax.

He just came back from a date and you'll
never guess. The most unbelievable

thing just happened.

He wouldn't sleep with you.

It's not only not unbelievable, it's
easily guessable.

You're kind of funny. So you wanted to
put out and he wouldn't put it in, huh?

What the hell are you doing here?

Residing. You know, I thought this is my
apartment so I might as well live here.

Come on, tell us what happened with
Brian.

None of your business.

Look, everything was going great, okay?
But after we kissed, he disappeared

faster than a stray dog in Koreatown.

I mean, he was obviously just
intimidated by my beauty, huh, Jack?

I know we are.

Well, the fact that you kissed him
explains the whole thing.

What?

Okay. Now that we're just friends, I
guess I can say this. What? What?

When you kiss, there's too much teeth.

What? Teeth.

You know.

You liar. If I'm such a bad kisser, how
come you never complained about it

before, huh?

He did, constantly.

I'm just going to go watch some like it
twice. You know, I cannot believe that

you try to boost your pathetic little
ego by criticizing my sexual performance

to a disinterested third party. Oh, I
was interested.

I'm just trying to help you. Oh, really?

Well, let's see if I can help you.

Hmm. When you fuck too little dick.

Did that help?

Do you feel helped now, Dave?

Obviously. Someone has a hard time
taking a little constructive criticism.

constructive, my ass. I am a great
kisser. The best, baby. In fact, I have

awards for my kissing.

From who?

From the kissing awards people.

Okay,

I'll prove it. Come on, you kiss me. Oh,
man, it's great. This is better than

true clit.

Let's go.

Have I mentioned your nipple kissing?

Too toothy also. Could you prove me
wrong on that as well? Shut up.

Let's go. Hey! What? Haven't you
breeders ever heard a foreplay? You

usually I like a little dinner, a few
compliments.

Okay, here you go. You've eaten, you
look hot. Plant one on me.

Ow!

Too much nose!

You're really bad at this. I'm nervous.

Okay, you go to the left, I go to the
right on the count of three. Are you

ready? Ready.

One, two, three.

Ow! Too much skull!

Fuck it!

Come on.

Huh? So?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This has been a test. Only a test if
this had been a real lesbian experience.

You would have a U -Haul with all your
furniture in it. So?

Too much teeth? Not for me.

I love toothy dames.

So, Craig, do you remember anything
unusual about having sex with me?

I did what?

I appreciate you erasing that from your
memory.

And the videotape.

Well,

at least you didn't mention my teeth.

Eight men down, hundreds to go.

I wish I could remember more of these
guys' phone numbers or names.

Or having sex with them.

We could just dial randomly.

Odds are we'll hit one.

Hey, I have an idea.

Kiss me. Hey, I have a better idea. No.

Oh. Come on, just close your eyes and
pretend I'm Ricky Martin.

Thanks, but I'll pass.

Out. Clark, I need an unbiased opinion
here.

So the person you ask is a germophobic
homosexual who's afraid of girls?

And germs?

And girls' germs? Oh!

You know, if you're afraid of germs, you
really shouldn't be on my floor.

Come on, Clark, it'll be quick and
painless.

That's what Mother used to say, and it
was neither.

Oh, Clark.

Clark, look, look, look, look. It won't
be that bad. It won't be that bad, okay?

If you're that worried about germs, we
will brush before and after.

What about during?

I can't use your toothbrush.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I keep a few extras
for unexpected guests. What color do you

want?

Periwinkle.

Got it.

Soft, medium, or hard bristle?

Medium.

No problem.

Fuller, compact head.

Compact, and you're scaring me.

Shut up and brush.

I'm flattered and honored, and, um,
don't take this personally.

Pissing you will make me vomit.

So what? You lose weight.

Let's go.

Come on.

It's okay, okay.

Let me...

Don't move. Okay.

Do you have a dental dam?

Clark! Okay, okay.

Just make it quick.

That was fantastic!

Oh, thank

you so much for coming with me. I
totally forgot it was my night to read

children's ward.

You were just wonderful with them. Well,
yeah, I was going to be a doctor before

I dropped out of medical school.

Well, what happened?

Oh, a little career change. Decided to
become an alcoholic instead.

Well, you certainly haven't lost your
bedside manner.

Just wait.

I don't think I can.

Well, and

the doctor will see you now.

But, Doctor, after such a long night
saving lives, why not let Nurse Polly do

all the work?

Okay.

I'm just going to slip into something a
little more comfortable.

Oh, uh, yeah. Can I give you a hand?

Like, anywhere? Lie still!

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, no, you're right.

You'll have things well.

In hand.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you feel good.

You feel so good. I mean, you could do
this for a living.

I do.

What?

Now, shut up.

Have I mentioned my visa is maxed out?

Silence! Now, don't worry, Dave.

This is my night off. Yeah? I just
really love what I do for a living.

you.

Lucky me. Have you ever had the Marquis
de Sade?

No. No, I haven't. But I will!

I'll write a book report.

Oh, my God.

Have I mentioned I don't have any health
insurance?

What happened to the kittens there, Pop?

Mom, are you even listening to me? What
do you think, darling? Can you wear

alligator pumps with a leather skirt?

Not to an animal rights dinner.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God, you reminded me.

Last time I wore my sable, Kim Basinger
was so upset she actually made a facial

expression.

How about this facial expression?

All right, technically, darling, that is
more of a gesture. And if you knew

that, perhaps you'd get more acting
work. Come on, darling, quickly, do me

haven't even said what I've come over to
say.

Perfect. Everything's going according to
plan.

Mother, this is an emergency. Listen, I
had a date last night who was able to

say no to this.

You call that an emergency?

Here's a quarter. Call me when you get a
tumour. No, no, no, Mum, listen.

This is worse. I've lost my touch with
men and I'm not done touching them.

You just have to touch yourself then.

Darling, come on.

I'm sure it was a fluke. Oh, you are
delightful.

Everyone wants to spend time with you.
I'm off.

Mum, are you sure it was a fluke? No,
but I really need to get to this dinner.

Ta -ta.

success with men because you were young
beautiful and easier to get than

venereal warts now that you're older if
you want to hook a man you have to

develop a good personality what yes i
know dear but it must be done are you

sure i mean i always thought good
personality was code for she's ugly yeah

been expanded to include those over
shall we say 29 and i was too busy

develop a good personality. If I have to
count on the one I have, I'm fucked. Or

unfucked, as the case may be.

Oh, fuck.

Personality can't be that bad.

I was on the cover of Tiger Peak.

Of course, I gave the photographer a
head.

But we were very chatty before and
after.

Well, chatty's good.

What did you chat about?

I believe I said something like, are you
sure the facts of life girls had to do

this? Oh, those girls.

Still wasn't enough.

All I know is I never had trouble
getting laid when I was drinking. You

had trouble getting hired or getting
dressed or getting up, but never getting

laid. Well, things change in sobriety. I
mean, when I was drinking, I was a

total whore.

Oh, you were a slut?

No, I was a whore.

But I didn't charge, which was
confusing.

Maybe I wasn't a whore.

Maybe I was just a crazy gaunt man
standing by the side of the road begging

people to fuck me. No, get out. It's a
fan. She has my hands bound up with

leather straps.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

The kitten lady tied you up?

In knots with her beauty.

Yes, she had me tied up, and I liked it.
Even when she was spanking me with a

spatula. Oh, it reminded me to never eat
pancakes at your house.

So the arbor soap lady wasn't so pure.

Oh, she's pure, pure.

Evil. Well, I guess it's worth trying
anything once.

Well, once. I'm seeing her again
tonight.

Do you think I might have had a better
personality when I drank?

Well, I certainly hope so.

Well, I wish I could remember what it
was.

So do I.

Hey, maybe your personality just seemed
better because your dates were drunk.

Good point.

So it's settled.

I will only go out with drunk guys.

Because it's hard to find fault when you
can't even find your car.

And my response to that would be a big
fat no.

Oh, come on. I'm a recovering drunk, not
a recovering slut. And, you know, since

I can't drink anymore, I was just, you
know, hoping to fill up the emptiness

inside of me with cock.

Well, we all hope for that.

You know, Billy, learning who you are
sober is kind of like knifing a prison

guard. It may mean you need to spend a
little time alone.

That reminds me, I have to call my
brother.

Mom, you're not even listening to me.
Darling, all I ever do is listen to you.

Ever since you were a child, you
badgered me with your little problems.

Maybe I... I've got a splinter. Mummy,
I've had a bad dream. Mummy, I am stuck

in the trunk of a car and my cell phone
battery is running low.

I still cannot believe you fixed me up
with that lunatic.

Stop whining. He had a Porsche.

It's worth a very small trunk.

I got stuck in there for three hours
with a set of golf clubs squished

my thighs.

Well, you still haven't thanked me.

Trust me, you are the last person I
wanted to go to for personality lessons

then I realized that you get late all
the time and you're old.

And you're out of the will. Not that you
were ever in it. Ta -ta.

Mom, can't you see I need help? Oh,
darling, Stevie Wonder could see that

his dog could smell it. But what's that
got to do with me?

I need to know how to develop a
personality that men will like. Or at

to fake one.

Oh, finally.

Write this down.

Rule number one.

Laugh at his jokes, but never at his
penis.

Can I laugh at his balls?

Not only behind his back.

Well, if his balls are behind his back,
he's probably used to people laughing at

him. Well, stop if you will, but these
rules were handed down by your great

-grandmother, Rivka, the saucebox of
Pinsk.

Saucebox? Tsar Nicholas II wrote in his
journal, nothing excites me more than an

evening with Rivka, except perhaps
torching a shtetl.

Oh, and what girl doesn't love being
compared to the organized massacre of

helpless Jews?

Riska. Pogrom. Riska.

Pogrom. Rule number two.

Only show him your good side.

The left.

What's wrong with my right?

It's wrong.

How can my right be wrong?

I don't know. These are Riska's rules.
We can't ask her what they mean. God,

she's dead.

I can't believe I've been reduced to
following dating tips from a dead Polish

swine. Rule number three.

When the man speaks.

Pretend to be interested and say,
really?

Then what?

Really? No, no, no.

Really? Then what?

Really? Then what? Not bad.

Act surprised.

Really? Great.

I'll be so interested that you're on the
edge of your seat.

Then what?

Oh, if I risk her, I think she's got
him.

Really? Then what?

Really? Then what?

Good, good, dear. Moving on. Do I really
fall for this shit? Well, if you happen

to be in the bar of the Hotel Nico at 8
this evening, you'll see for yourself.

Really?

You know, Polly, what we did the other
night was

really, it was fun, but the whip is...
That's the beginning.

Now, Dave, don't be afraid. After all,
you can't spell smile without S and M.

Well, you can't spell scream either.

Now, relax.

Contrary to appearance, you are the one
calling all the shots.

What shots?

No, no, no. Nobody said anything about
shots.

Were you aware that the breath is one of
the most sensitive areas on the entire

male anatomy? Sensitive. Yes, well put.
Well put.

Now look, Dave, if I go too far, all you
have to do is say the safe word and

I'll stop.

Say the safe word? Oh, God, thank God.
What is the safe word? Well, it could be

anything except no or stop or ouch. You
get it?

No.

Ouch! Stop!

Stop!

Okay, okay, what if I just say jeez?

I love it. I love it, Dave.

Now we have total communication.

Cheese.

Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.
Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.
Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.
Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.
Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.
Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.
Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.
Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.
Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.
Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. And I
think we have this year's Christmas

And

then

I went to accounting school.

Really? Then what?

I became an accountant.

Really? Then what?

I started accounting.

Really?

Then what?

Look, I'm used to people making fun of
what I do, but you're just mean.

Really?

Then what?

Stop it. Stop it.

You know, Sid,

some people have multiple personalities.
I can't even develop one.

It's too hard to get a personality.

I can't do it.

You have one.

You're a quitter.

And a hitter, so back off.

You know what I'm gonna do?

Hit me?

Uh, after that.

No, I'm gonna become a lesbian.

Oh. Yeah, because then I can get fat,
quit shaving my legs, and get laid

whenever I want.

Are you trying to be offensive?

Why, do you guys like that?

No, we don't.

Oh. Talk about a shitty personality.

I don't want to offend anybody, but I've
seen a lot of fat, hairy lesbians.

Hi. Hi.

Look, Billy, I feel really bad about
running out on you the other night.

Oh, I didn't give it a second thought.

Or a first.

Brad?

Brian. Whatever.

Anyway, did you leave something here?
Oh, no, I forgot.

You didn't come in.

That's why I'm here now.

I feel terrible about this, and I hope
that you won't hate me, but the reason I

ran out on you the other night is I'm
married.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What a relief.

It is?

Yes. I mean, you know, I thought you ran
out on me because of my teeth.

Your teeth? Yeah, or my personality.

Are you kidding me? You tried to fuck me
on the first date. You're happy I'm

married? You have a great personality.

Tell me something I don't know.

Uh, give me some whipped cream. Whipped?
Where?

So, getting whipped ain't all it's
cracked up to be, huh?

Well, at least you don't have to pick
cotton and sing.

It's hard to sing with a ball gag in
your mouth.

Hey, it's hard to tap dance with your
ankles chained together like my great

-granddaddy did. So, what's your point?
Point is, I have a choice.

Break up with this girl before she
breaks my kneecaps.

I don't know why you went out with her
in the first place. Because you told me

to. What?

I would hit you if I could still make a
fist.

You know, I mean, if you were sleeping.

Are you still feeling tough?

Yeah, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Hi, baby.

I miss you.

Not very often. You want to see the
welts?

Sweet. Cheese.

Polly, you're a very nice person.

And I'm not just saying that because you
have a cattle prod in your purse. I do

not.

I have testicle weight.

Oh, it's your evening bag.

Now, be that as it may, I think we have
to see other people.

In my case, a doctor.

Are you breaking up with me? Teeth?

Yes. I mean, come on, I'm not an S &M
guy.

You know, I'm more of an M &M guy. And
even then, the peanut ones, they hurt my

teeth. You know, I'm sorry.

But I opened up to you.

As did I, hence the hitches.

How can you be so cruel?

You must really get some kind of sick
pleasure out of hurting people.

Interesting. Trying to destroy another
woman's car. Confident.

What's the matter with her, Mrs. Dave?

Too much tongue?

I see your search for a personality
turned up nothing.

Oh, well, I have news for you. See, I
don't need a personality.

Brian came back, and he likes me just
the way I am.

Thoughtless and horny.

Oh, and he doesn't think I use too much
teeth.

At least you still have teeth. You
wouldn't even believe what I just went

through. Well, I'd ask you to tell me
about it, but I'm too pretty to care.

Come to me, my little Polish saucebox.

Really? Then what?

Then I will tell you how I burned your
family's village. Oh, by the way, they

send their regards.

Really?

Then what?

Then they died.

I don't approve, but it makes the
Cossacks happy.

Oh, really?

Then what?

I think that Rasputin's fucking my wife.

Really?

Then what?

Darling, are those the only three words
that you know?

Really?

Then what?

Those three are enough, yeah.