Original subtitles

It wasn't rude when it started the longest day.

cookies you sent me in rehab, I was voted most popular junkie.

Better than most likely to OD.

And I'm better already.

I'm back at Dave's, and as a precautionary measure, I threw away all

in his apartment.

Sorry, Dave. Well, the spoons were okay, but why did you have to throw away the

telephone? To keep from calling my dealer.

Duh. Who I recommend... Who never calls me? And I have a telephone.

And food.

Maybe I should learn to play the spoon.

Then I'd be more popular.

I've come up with a plan that's going to turn it all around for me.

I call it the plan that's going to turn it all around for me.

Hey, dude, is there any, what's that stuff you put in your coffee that looks

like salt or has a sugary taste?

Sugar? Yeah.

Oh, forget it.

You could just put your finger in my cup.

I could, except for the fact that it's very hot.

Much like yourself.

I'm Jack.

Hi, I'm Billy.

Apparently, I'm invisible.

No, you're not, dude. You're right there.

Hey, hey.

So, the plan is to start my own business, make a million dollars, and

my beachfront Maui estate with Jodie Foster.

How hard can that be?

He's gorgeous.

But what am I thinking? He can barely put two words together.

On the other hand, my vibrator's never said word one, and it remains my most

successful relationship.

Oh, I can't believe this idiot is hitting on my girlfriend.

Well, not my girlfriend, my friend. My neighbor. My fuck morsel. Oh, that

bad even to me. I hate myself.

So, there are... was an art therapy, or as we call it, crafts for crankheads.

The other patients said my stuff is the best. Of course, they were all sniffing

glue, but I respect their opinion.

I think I have a hidden talent for this.

I wonder if I have any hidden talent.

I could be a world -class bagpiper and not even know it.

Well, but I don't look good in plaid, so I better keep that hidden.

Which brings us to my million -dollar business.

Jackie's Junkie Jewelry, on sale in the coffee shop.

Thanks. And remember, instead of drug -induced high, acceptorize!

Wow,

this is really exquisite.

For medical waste. Well, you know what I always say, waste is a terrible thing

to waste.

Hey, that should be my motto.

Yeah, or, um...

For people who are addicted to looking good. Yeah, I should use that on my

brochure. This is for you.

Dirty needles?

Made it into a Jewish star, which is what you are.

Oh, I love it. Although to many, the term jewelry implies the presence of a

jewel, as opposed to the presence of... What is that, blood?

No, no, no, it's paint, but doesn't it look authentic like you just pulled it

out of a vein?

Yeah.

I'm so glad you like it. You know, I was really worried that you wouldn't think

it was worth $60.

It's not. I mean... It's worth much more.

Well, maybe I should raise my prices, you know? Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no. I mean, you know, you want to hook people in first and

gouge them when they come back for more.

Natick, like, you should know that.

Okay.

So... $50, right?

$60.

Boy, for a junkie, you have a pretty good memory.

This is a deposit.

Yes. Well, you'll have to put some money in there if you want to check for $60.

Hey, dude.

I just put something together.

You're Dave.

And this place is like called Dave's. Yes. After I bought it, I changed my

To what?

Dave. Why are you calling me Dave?

Talk it up to whimsy.

So what brought you to the meeting today? My van broke down out front.

Talk about karma, huh?

Or vanma.

Vanma!

Is she that chick on Wheel of Fortune?

Yes, yes, that's her. Pat, I'd like to buy a brain cell.

Anyway,

I'm glad you're trying to get sober.

Dude, I've been sober for, like, three months.

Earth months?

I don't know, dude, I'm not an astrologer.

I'm just a pothead.

Ah, well, now that would explain the vacancy sign on your forehead.

What?

Nothing. I'm making a joke, unfortunately.

At your expense.

I'm sorry.

If it's at my expense, it better be a cheap joke.

Oh, it was.

It was.

How can I make it up to you?

You can be my sponsor.

Wow. You want me to be your sponsor, really?

I just want what you have.

Especially your shirt.

Right.

No, really. Can I have it? No.

No, I need it.

Take a look at the sign.

I guess the shoes are out then, too, huh?

Yeah. Dave, I have something for you to show that although you are a heartless,

girlfriend -stealing scumbag, I still like you. I hope it's a phone. It's

better, and I'm sorry about the death threats.

That was you?

Oh, my God, I took out a restraining order on Lou.

I've got to call that off.

Eh, it's just as well.

Anyway, ta -da!

Present... representing Jackie's Junkie Jewelry for Men.

Wow, roach clip cufflinks. Yeah.

Righteous. Wow.

Can I have these, or is that on the sign, too?

No, no. And as your sponsor, I don't think it's a very good idea. But they're

gift. No, they're not. They're $60.

Well, you don't know. Your mom might like my jewelry.

Well, don't count on it. When she wears a rock on her finger, it's usually not

made out of crack.

Well, it's worth a shot. I mean, how else am I going to reach my sales goal?

plan to make a million dollars this year. Yeah, but when you say make, do

mean earn or print some up at Kinko? Oh, thanks.

Your mom has got to be more supportive than you are.

Ah! Burger!

I've got an Uzi and a Rottweiler.

Antonia, growl!

Well, Jack, I'm sorry I overreacted, but I wasn't expecting you, and I'm honest

enough to say that black people scare the shit out of me.

Do you make a hat tin that would go well with a white hood?

You're a jeweler. I thought you were a lesbian. Well, there wasn't enough money

in it, so I have to moonlight.

Jackie made this necklace.

So this is Jackie's junk.

See, I warned you. Oh, it's fabulous.

Oh, this is what they call heroin chic.

You like it? I love it. It's Kurt Cobain meets Cartier.

Well. I mean, if you bought that monkey painting, I guess you'll buy anything.

Oh, my friends will adore your work. You're on the cutting edge. Oh,

my razor blade choker.

Oh, well, now that gives me an idea.

Oh, no, please, Mother, just wait until we're gone.

Oh, no wishful thinking, darling. I mean, we'll throw a party. Yes, we will,

after you die, but we just don't want to be there when you do it, okay?

I meant that we will throw a little soiree to introduce Jackie's Junkie

to Brentwood's Botox Blue Bloods. Oh, or...

Brentwood's boozy bitches.

I'm proud of it, darling.

Well, thanks, guys. Between my jewelry and your bitches, I can almost taste

Jodie Foster now.

Dude, no offense, but this donut tastes totally stale.

That's because it's a bagel.

Oh, right.

Bagel.

So, step eight. You need to make a list of all the people that you've parked.

Will do.

There was a guy at this party. He was being a total dick.

I think I threw him out the window. There was a lot of blood.

He was cool.

You definitely put him on the list.

I can't remember his name.

Why does that not surprise me?

Because I just told you.

Was he a friend? A relative?

I don't know.

I think his name was Jack or Mac.

Maybe Jack.

Oh, man.

It was me.

Why would you throw yourself out of a window?

Obviously, I teach myself a lesson.

I wish I could remember what it was.

Maybe something about gravity.

Gravity, yeah.

Number one.

Zack.

Yeah, I got the rest.

That's a good start. That's good. But did you harm anybody else? Did you land

anybody? I wish I had because I broke my leg. You know how hard it is to surf on

crutches?

It's hard.

Well, next time you throw yourself out of the window, you gotta aim for a bush.

That reminds me.

I've got a date with this righteous babe.

I need to go put on my dressy flip -flops. Man, it sounds serious.

Oh, it is. She's smart.

She's funny.

Killer act.

I wish I was in your flip -flops.

Hey, I bet you get babes crawling all over you. Oh, yeah.

All over.

In fact, I was wondering if she could help me out. Yeah.

What? Who works, man?

Paul's meant the lipstick.

Huh? Will you pop one of those in your mouth before you go down on her?

When that vapor action hits, she'll be spasming like an epileptic thought in a

strobe light. Really? Yes.

You gotta bring a pencil so she doesn't swallow her tongue.

Or mine.

No, if she does that, you're doing it wrong.

Thanks for the tips, dude.

I just need to borrow a condom. I spent all my money on Top Ramen. All right.

You, uh, wear this in good health.

There she is, man.

You know what? It's not a good idea to date in the first month or even decade

sobriety. Hi, program boy.

So, you ready to go?

David is saying I shouldn't be dating yet. That's right. Oh, we're not dating.

We're just having sex.

Oh, man.

What a relief.

Well,

we're here.

Wow. You live on Ocean Parkway?

Yeah, except on Mondays from 10 to 12. Street cleaning.

Mi casa es su casa.

Oh.

You mean, mi carro es su carro.

So you live here.

I wish.

Actually, I'm dancing and it's so cool.

This is a lot bigger than my place.

What do you normally live in, a Yugo?

How did you know?

Are you, like, psychic?

Because I am.

Well, then I guess you know if I am.

Or not.

Anyway, I am really hungry.

Well, you know what I always say.

No, but I'm guessing it starts with dude.

You know, I always say there's nothing like a homemade meal.

And this recipe was handed down to me from my mom.

And she got it from her mom, my... Grandma.

You are psychic.

I bet.

I know what we're going to do after dinner.

Really? Mm -hmm.

Well, don't tell me. I want to be surprised.

Okay. This has been such an awesome day.

Working with my sponsor.

Dave's like this program guru.

I really want what he has.

Oh, I think you're going to get it. You do?

Oh, yeah.

Maybe twice if you're lucky.

Well, that means a lot to me because tape like rocks, bro.

Yes, but...

Can he play the guitar naked?

I doubt it. He's got the sign. I won't even let him take his shirt off.

No, but what I'm asking is, could you play the guitar naked?

Do you want me to?

Well, you're psychic. What do you think?

I think I'd take requests.

Do you know Baby, I'm a Want You?

Yeah, it's kind of obvious.

No, no, no, there really is a song called that.

Yeah, right.

So, how was your big date with Surfer Boy?

Well, the sex was amazing.

Talk about the big kahuna.

So, did he, you know, hang ten?

Taki.

Eleven.

Oh.

Unfortunately, that's also his IQ.

Oh.

Well, he can't always be the sharpest knife in the drawer. Oh, girl, he's not

even the sharpest spoon in the drawer.

Plus, he lives in a van.

We got towed during the night and ended up in an impound lot. You ever try to

outrun a pit bull in heels?

No, but I once outran an aardvark in a cape.

It's a long story.

Okay, then I had to scale a chain -link fence and hitch a ride home.

Well, what happened with Zach?

I don't know.

Oh, maybe the pit bull got him.

Billy, Zach came late to our early morning meeting today, and he was

with bruises and scratches. What did you do to him last night?

Well, only half the things he asked me to.

I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. You're a very bad influence, and as his

sponsor, I have to insist that you stop seeing him. Well, you don't have to

worry about that, Dave, because Billy was just saying... How much I like Zach,

and that it's none of your business who I go out with. That's not what you were

just saying. Hey, Al.

What? Cramp.

Lesbian cramps hurt worse than the regular kind.

Why do you care who I go out with? You're the one who broke up with me. I

not break up with you. We were never really going out to begin with. Oh,

even more reason not to care. I don't care.

Well, your mouth says that, but this bulging vein on your head is screaming.

Billy, I'm insanely jealous. Come back to me. No, it is saying somebody please

give me an aspirin because this bitch is giving me a headache.

Come on, I know you can't enjoy it. Spending time with this guy. I'm his

sponsor. I know. For your information, we went out last night and had a

time. Yeah? Yes. He cooked me a gourmet meal. We went for a midnight drive, and

then in the morning, we went for a run.

You went running? Mm -hmm. I thought your idea of exercise was wearing a push

-up bra.

Well, Zach is in incredible shape, and, you know, he inspires me.

He puts me on a pedestal.

How can he put you on something he can't even spell?

Well, he can't spell futon, and he sure put me on that. He put you on a futon?

Yes, he did. How many times? A couple times.

Billy. Zach, hey.

Hi. I thought you ditched me.

Especially when you hurled that fence and left me with that pit bull.

Oh, I didn't want you to see me without my makeup on. Oh.

We are a smashing success, darling.

Oh, Jackie, your work is brilliant.

You're going to be bigger than that quadriplegic that paints with his mouth.

And you can shake hands with your customers.

Everyone's just so fascinated by your sordid background.

But they're buying my stuff because they like it, right?

Of course they do, darling. But it's who you are that really sells it.

Perhaps.

We should capitalize on the other tragedies in your life. Have you ever

prison? No. Sorry.

Well, drive around this neighborhood and you're bound to be arrested.

Jackie, I'm interested in this suppository brooch.

Can you show me how it's worn?

Well, of course. It can be worn in one of two places.

Where on earth did you find this girl?

She's a hot property.

I know.

The only thing that could make it better, darling, is if she had AIDS.

Well, you can't have everything.

I'm pitying. I mean, where is it? There's a Haitian lesbian hemophiliac

need one.

Couldn't we go out to dinner? Oh, dude, no woman pays for me.

Guys, I've got these authentic burritos from 7 -Eleven.

Thanks. I'm on a strict diet. I can only eat food.

What's the matter? You don't like things that are fried?

I'm with you, aren't I?

What I mean to say is I was just hoping we could skip right to...

Oh.

Well,

actually, I was hoping for something hot.

What, like a churro?

Come on. Even the burrito understands what I'm saying.

Let's get any worse.

Whoa. Hi.

Man, you look awesome in flight.

Oh, I rarely have the opportunity to say this on a date, but am I bleeding from

the head?

Joe. I remember, so what else I need to make amends to?

I got really baked once and ran over my mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The past is the

past, you know. I think that we ought to focus on the present, like what you and

Billy do last night.

Well, technically, dude, last night is the past. Just tell me what you did.

I mean, you know, this is a critical period for you, you know, and I want to

emphasize that the only commitment that you should be making right now is to

your sobriety. But I want to make a commitment to Billy.

I am totally going to ask her to marry me.

No. I mean...

That would be the most important decision that you ever made, and that's

should make it for you.

Oh, okay, Dave.

Okay. But don't forget, she's the one. I'm ready to settle down. I'm even

looking into monthly parking.

I'm going to go home and think about it, and you just wait here. Okay, Dave. I

hope he makes the right decision.

You've got to stop what you're doing.

What, reading Daniel Steele?

No, even stupider, I'm talking about Zach.

Look, she may be stupid, but I like that in a man. You know, ignorance is bliss.

Then you must be the happiest woman on earth. Well, I am. Zach doesn't yell at

me. He doesn't even have a temper.

That's because the temper is in the right side of the brain, you know, the

that he doesn't have. You are talking about the man I like a lot.

I'm talking about the man that you are using, okay? You ought to be ashamed of

yourself. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. yourself talking about your

sponsee like that program boy. I love him like a brother. You just said he had

half a brain.

Okay, a retarded brother. Look, you just keep your hands off of him. I will put

my hands wherever I want, and I'd much rather have them on him than you. Good.

wouldn't touch you if you were the last person on earth. Oh, well, if I was the

last person on earth, you wouldn't be there, you idiot, and you call that

stupid. I thought you liked that in a man. I do. Okay, then.

I do hope Charles likes his tie -stick tie clip.

If not, I'll give it to my husband.

No, no, no, Mrs.

Chandler. The bracelet is supposed to be tied.

Ow! To pop the vein out.

Okay, bye.

So,

how did we do?

Fabulous. Even better than last time. I mean, I haven't seen merchandise move

like that since the riots.

Oh, I can't believe it. My dreams never come true unless you count the time I

really did show up to school naked.

I wouldn't mention that at the next party, darling. I told my friends that

never went to school. You hardly had time since you were forced into

prostitution at the tender age of six.

You know, Trudy, please call me Mrs. Frank.

Well, I think we can stop making up stories about my life. My jewelry can

on its own. Well, that's your opinion. Luckily, it's mine that counts.

Face it, darling.

Your jewelry thinks it's a fad, you know. My friends are just fashion

hurling themselves off one trendy cliff after another.

Any minute now, they're going to realize that Jackie's junk is just that.

Which is why I insisted on cash.

But you said my jewelry was unique and timeless.

I was trying to sell it, darling.

Diamonds are forever.

I give this stuff a week.

What about my plans for expansion, my million -dollar dream?

Oh, Michael, we've had that sad little face when my customers were here. We

might have been able to unload the Coke vial barrettes.

Well, that's about all that didn't sell.

So how much did we make?

$7 ,468.

Oh, that's great.

It is wonderful, darling.

Here's your cut.

Don't spend it all in one arm.

$700?

That's less than 10%. Yes, that's right, darling, and you deserve every penny.

No, no, wait a second.

I should get most of the money for Jackie's junky jewelry.

Uh -uh.

How did you make that bizarre leap?

Oh, well, because I'm Jackie and I'm the junkie and it's my jewelry.

Well, if you're going to split hairs.

Well, I supplied all the materials. I supplied the house.

And I don't recall you offering to pay my mortgage.

And what about the refreshments? The wine alone cost $2 ,000 and that was

what I had.

Plus... I had to endure those friends for the last 15 years. You think I enjoy

keeping company with those women? You should be paying me.

Well, it's my money and I earned it. Don't you do that or I shall stick

on to you. You know, you're crazy.

And this partnership is over.

I'm going to tell every single one of your friends that you weren't trying to

help me. You were trying to exploit me.

Me? Oh, I wouldn't advise that, darling. You know, art increases in value once

the artist is dead, especially if she dies young and horribly.

Oh, so you'd kill me for a few thousand dollars. I'd kill you for the sport of

it, just to keep in practice.

I'd better have to now run.

You and your barking me!

She bites and she bites!

Antonia is out front right now on all fours! Antonia, more mass of taco!

Oh, Billy.

Oh, Dave.

Oh, bugger. Oh, God.

Oh, Dave.

Oh, Zach, I... I know how this must look.

Thank God, it's you.

Whoa, is this part of you figuring out whether I should marry Billy or not?

Dude, you were thorough.

Yeah, yes, that's right. I was sticking around for a test drive, you know, and a

very smooth ride. Not too much mileage.

You want to marry me?

Well, if Dave gives me the green light, didn't he tell you?

No. No, no, of course not. I didn't want to ruin your surprise.

Thanks, dude.

You guys are the best.

Oh, Christ, look, I can't do this to you anymore. Zach, don't you see what's

going on here? I'm cheating on you.

With who?

With your sponsor, Dave.

Oh, man, what a buzzkill. Zach, I'm really sorry.

I was told I should be my best man, man.

And now I can't because you're not even a good man.

And you, I totally had you up on a podium.

Pedestal. Who cares? It sucks.

I just know I'm going to remember this awful experience for the rest of the

We are the worst people in the world.

I feel like shit.

We should really go find him and apologize.

Absolutely.

You know, as soon as we're done.

Hey, Zach, can we talk to you for a minute?

Hey, man, we came to apologize.

Yeah, you feel terrible. You are the sweetest guy in the world. And I am the

world's worst sponsor.

Oh, I'll say.

Well, I wouldn't have been if someone hadn't started dating you just to make

jealous. I was dating him because I like him. You told me he had the attention

span of a housefly. Yeah, but at least I didn't call him retarded.

Dude, I'm, like, totally shitting here.

Sorry. The point is that...

We're both really sorry.

Yeah, I mean, we don't deserve you. I just hope someday you can forgive and

forget?

Forgive what?

Okay. Rock on.

Bye.