Original subtitles

And what a room.

It's addressed to all of us. Let me see.

My friend went to rehab and all I got was this lousy postcard. Dear

sorry I didn't write earlier, but I was in restraint.

Thank you, Dave.

What? She is thanking me. Uh -oh, here comes security. Gotta hide. Love you

Jackie. See, she loves me.

P .S. Except you, Dave, you woman -stealing prick.

Excuse me. If you save someone's life, you are allowed to fuck their

That is in the Bible.

Oh, if it is, I've got to get my ass back to church.

Oh, hey, Dave, the bulimics have the room before us. You've got to come help

clean up.

Oh, your sponsor's calling, Dave.

Lucky for me, I don't have anyone telling me what to do.

Except the voice is in your head.

Oh, yeah, wait, I hear one now. What's it saying?

Oh, got no sponsor all day long. Do -da, do -da.

Why not suck my great big schlong?

All the do -da days. You wish.

Is your hand round and sticky?

Nope.

Crap, I fell in a donut.

Hey,

what do you think you're doing? I don't think, love, I just do.

Well, in that case, give me your wallet.

You almost fooled me.

That's why I got a change in my pants.

Look, you can't tape up chairs. It's first come, first served. Someone

is coming tonight. He'd like to sit here.

Which means lucky you will be sitting next to him, don't it?

Don't it?

Oh, crap. I thought I got it off.

Jesus, can't you see that this chair is taped off? What is wrong with you

people? It's a limo outside.

Oh, my God.

Please let it be Ben Affleck.

Or Brad Pitt.

Or any of Gwyneth's old boys. God, is that who I think it is?

I'm really excited right now.

Oh, my God.

I lost my virginity listening to the bums. Yeah, me too.

Yeah? I mean, not the bans, the actual bums. My date parked in a bad area and

they kept trying to clean the windshield.

Do you believe this is snobby? What?

I mean, I worship the ground that's made of bums.

God,

it's so bright in here.

Give me my sunglasses.

You're already wearing them.

I'm going to get me a dozen aspirin and a large whiskey.

Yeah, well...

Hold up on the whiskey and just have it waiting in the car.

Hi.

Billy Frank.

It is so good to have another celebrity here.

Really? Who else is here?

Well, me, actually.

Emerald Bluff, five seasons, Thursday night.

Sorry, love.

Don't watch much American TV.

Oh, well, of course, living in London, how could you? I live in Malibu. I just

think it's crap.

Oh, absolutely. You know, that is why I got out. It's crap, crap, crap.

Bobby, Dave, I just wanted to tell you that when I sold my vinyl collection for

drugs, alcohol began a downward spiral that dragged me into a five -year

personal hell.

Your album brought me the most money.

I thought it could help. Thank you. Could you excuse me one moment?

Are there any other things?

Mom,

it's me. Guess who's here. I can't hear you, darling. Having my ears candled.

Intentionally, or should I call the police?

Belize? You're in Belize? No wonder I can't hear you. No, I'm not in Belize.

at a meeting.

You're taking a beating?

Oh, I'm sure you deserve it for something.

You have fun, darling. Bye.

Oh, careful, you clumsy mugwort. My impurities will be funneled unevenly.

Gracias,

darling.

No cell phones.

What are you talking about? I've got one right here.

Oh, aloud.

Got it.

Is that a rule? Because you should write it down.

It is written there.

Oh, well, it's the please that makes it ambivalent.

Man, I used to listen to the bombs and now.

Your music, head full of good tie stick, a hot belt fed weapon, V .C. running

around like ants.

Man, those were the good times.

I was against the war.

Yeah, yeah. So were the V .C.

Dobby. Dave again. I just wanted to say, I also own a coffee shop next door, and

because this is your first visit, the first cup is complimentary.

Okay? Oh, and sugar is free all the time.

Dave. Yeah.

See you.

A slight accident, darling. Fortunately, Antonia doused the flames.

Unfortunately, with alcohol.

Luckily, I was quick on my feet. I buried my head in Antonia's ample bosom.

sadly, she's at the hospital. The dinner will be late.

And that's what's sad about it? The dinner will be late? That and the fact

I look like Harper, Mark.

Oh, if you only sounded like him. Anyway, the reason I came here was to

that Nobby Clegg was at the meeting today.

Nobby Clegg.

I had a crush on him since I was... Oh, well, it would be minus ten. He sat

right next to me.

My breast inadvertently touched him. Actually, it was completely verdant.

Well, he's seen both of mine, darling, and so has the world. I was on the Bum's

first album cover, 200 hits.

It was banned in several states.

Well, unfortunately, not in this one. It went all the way to the Supreme Court.

I mean, people have a constitutional right to see my tits.

They're as old as the Constitution.

How come you never told me this? Darling, I did. Don't you remember? I

about Nigel, the photographer that I dated till he turned gay.

Don't worry about the hair, love. They only want the tip.

Thank you.

Hello, Nigel.

Lunch? Just a second, love.

196, 198.

Two of the tips didn't show. Oh, no, darling.

Would you mind?

So that's it, darling.

Third time I've done it today.

It was the 60s. You had to show your tits to get on a bus.

I guess it's boob to mine.

Mom, I told you this before.

Kids don't want to see their parents naked, let alone pick out their nipples

a group shot.

Those two?

Those aren't even a set.

These are mine.

Look, look, look how perfect they are. You see, firm, supple, pouting.

Always standing at attention like the guards at Buckingham Palace.

Talk about the changing of the guards.

My breasts are fabulous.

150 cabana boys, can't be wrong.

Oh, knobby Clegg has quit drinking.

Guinness stocks must be plummeting.

Ding dong, just me.

Oh, God, it's the Jehovah's Witness.

Hi, I just came by. Oh, my, what happened? Oh, just burning off my

Well, you're lucky the house is still standing.

Anyway, I came by to pick up your clothes for the church auction.

We prayed for a new roof, but then we realized we had to buy one.

Anyway, God helps those who help themselves.

I guess the poor and the helpless are on their own. You can take all the dresses

in that box over there, and you can hop yourself to absolutely anything in

Antonia's closet.

Anthony, his room is a closet.

Precisely. So if we take out all the clothes, she'll have more room.

Yes, and if you take out your stairmaster, the ironing board, there's

equipment, then she'd actually be able to sleep lying down.

Let's not spoil her.

Thank you so much. The clothes are so good.

Y 'all don't actually listen to this, Bill.

No, we just take it out once a month and lick the cover.

I don't like this evil rock music, and Nobby Clegg is one of the worst.

Well, he may not be Satan, but he's right next door.

What's his address?

668?

Go ahead and laugh, but it won't be very funny when my little oral grows up and

accidentally hears this devil music, goes crazy, and takes his own life.

Girl, if you were worried about him killing himself, you should have named

something other than...

Oral. Ten bucks he never sees puberty.

Oral is a very good name.

It rhymes with moral, something Nobby Clegg is not, which is why he's going

straight to hell.

Straight to hell?

Can't he just take the scenic route and stop at a few inns along the way?

No, he cannot.

Well, I will tell him to call you for all his afterlife travel plans.

You know Nobby Clegg?

No, he comes to my meetings.

He's next to me.

He's much more comfortable around other celebrities, so... Well, then why is he

near you, darling?

What are you doing?

Keeping up seats for me and Navi. We like to sit together.

Oh, yeah? Has anyone told him that?

Obviously, Navi would rather sit next to me, a colleague, than some star -struck

groupie.

Oh, my God!

Is that one of his hairs?

I got dibs on that hair.

Give me the... No, don't take... Oh, what are you... Don't look! What you

You broke the hair. I would have put that up on the wall of the coffee shop

the Hard Rock Cafe.

Why don't you just get one of the hairs from your own muffins? Like yesterday's

special blueberry brunette?

I am not wearing a hairnet.

Hi, Billy.

Oh, God. Jesus, Chunky.

What are you doing here? I am here on God's work. I am going to save Nobby

from the clutches of Satan.

How does she know that Nobby is coming to Addictions Anonymous?

Someone must have told her. Was that a colleague or a hair -scavenging groupie?

It was Billy.

And now I'm just dying to meet him. Tish, I thought you said that Nobby

was the devil's minstrel. He is. That's why I have to convert him. He has

millions of fans. If I could just get him to start playing Christian rock,

be the best spokesman for Jesus.

Yeah, except for the homeless guy downtown with the sandwich board.

With Nobby Clegg on our side, we could get the kids out of the mosh pits and

into the pews.

Maybe he could help us with our Ruth.

Tish, I hate to get you upset, but I have to knock you unconscious now. Yeah,

unfortunately, Tish, this is a closed meeting, okay? You have to have an

problem to attend.

Well, I do, Dave. I had a half a glass of champagne at my wedding, and I'm

afraid I embarrassed myself.

What did you do?

I did.

That doesn't sound very embarrassing. I was there. Trust me, it was.

Okay, people, let's get started.

Not yet. Noby's not ready.

I don't care if he isn't ready. The 7 o 'clock meeting starts at 7. Come on,

mate, you're the open act.

Stretch a little.

Come on, Milt. Give us your big number from Annie. No one here is more

than anyone else.

Now, we all want to start.

No, we want to wait for Milt.

Hi, I'm Milt, and I'm an alcoholic.

I can feel the presence of evil.

Now, that must be the Starbucks that's moving in next door.

Hello, Los Angeles!

I'm sorry.

It's just habit.

Habit. Come on, darling.

Really? Remember?

Yeah, I was kind of hoping you'd be cured by now.

Thank you.

Billy, would you leave the man alone? He ought to get sober.

He doesn't want to be hounded by a bunch of pestering fans. Bill, could you sign

my album?

Could you just make it out to Dave, who taught me everything I know about women?

Can we get the show on the road?

Nobody's got places to go, people to see. If you don't shut up, the only

you'll see will be the paramedics.

Bill.

My bad, my bad. We're supposed to make newcomers welcome, not scare them away.

Nobby, darling, I'm here.

My God, did they ever marry her? You just make sure I don't.

What did you tell everybody? Nobby, darling, I'm coming.

Nobby.

Remember me. What the fuck is this? I thought this program was supposed to be

anonymous. Well, when celebrities come here, people can't control themselves.

The same thing happened to me.

Yeah, except with imaginary fans.

People,

please, this is supposed to be a sanctuary, a place for souls.

I hope this won't discourage you from

coming to the meeting.

Yes, it bloody will. I came here for help. Not to be broke by a gaggle of

screaming old bitch.

Bitch?

Security! No, but Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you and he can save your soul.

Yeah, but who's going to save my ass? Give it to me, darling.

I'll save it. Hey, there is an accident. There is a crime.

I'm never coming back here. You people are all fucking nuts.

Love it.

Love it.

Maybe if we...

No idea. Being dumb is no excuse for being stupid. Oh, he'll come back.

Really? Where did you hear, I'm coming back, and you're all fucking nuts, I'm

never coming back? Well, it's more the way he said it.

And so what if he doesn't come back? I mean, he can always sober up at one of

those private places like the Betty White Clinic.

Betty Ford.

I know.

See, my dumb act does work.

The court ordered him to be here. Do you understand?

So was I. I mean, if I'd known that, well, we could have found it.

If he doesn't come back here, he's going to go to jail. And more importantly, if

he doesn't give a booze, it'll kill him. Oh, like rock stars don't die every

day.

And everyone's going to blame you.

Yes. That is serious.

We've got to get him back.

What do you mean, we?

I mean, I don't have a sponsor. I'm all alone.

I'm helpless.

You're helpless? What happened to doodah?

Doodah? Okay, fine.

I will use my connections.

to get backstage, and I will talk to Nobby.

And while we're on our way to some fabulous party, convince him to come

the program.

What kind of a friend would I be if I let you do all that alone?

Well, you wouldn't be one.

Hey.

Got to get in there. This guy looks like his hobby is trying to kill James Bond.

We celebs have an unspoken agreement, okay? We get into each other's shows.

You know, professional courtesy.

Hi.

Billy Frank.

I'm old love.

Hi, Mike Harrison. Go fuck yourself.

Oh, well, let's go.

That's it? What happened to unspoken agreement?

Obviously, no one spoke to him about it. Let's go.

Wait, wait, wait.

I can't leave you.

Addictions Anonymous is not his best hope. You know, it's his lifeline of

sobriety. Besides, he hasn't signed my album yet. Hi.

Mike. Wait, wait.

Billy Frank.

Right. You see?

Yeah. Did you watch my show?

No. I slept with you once.

Probably.

You've got to be the bouncer to keep people out of you. It was a long time

But I remember you were a lot of fun.

That's what they tell me.

You've got a bump for nothing.

Come.

Yeah, you bet.

Right here. Have a good time.

Eat with me.

No.

This is Brett.

Is that De Niro?

Nah, can't be. He's talking to a white woman.

What are all these people doing here?

I bet I know where her job is.

What are their friends?

Yeah. Hangers -on and friends of hangers -on and DJs.

Celebrity contest winners who slept with the DJ.

I just think it's pathetic.

You know all these people hanging around him and mooching?

Hi. Hi.

Hello.

I feel kind of awkward when Nobby's the only one I know.

You know Nobby? Yeah. Oh, I won the radio station contest.

Oh, good. Well, actually, I said I'd have sex with the DJ, but I don't know

he looks like.

Hey, hey, congratulations, music fan.

It's me.

Oh.

No.

Stay back.

Oh, just give me one minute.

Why, you got some other relatives who want to baptize me?

Oh, I'm really not related to her. She just married into the family and... Oh,

look, I don't want to burden you with my problems.

You're too late.

My chauffeur almost crashed the car trying to shake your mother off the

windshield. She was like some giant bug in a Chanel suit.

Yes, you know, she bugs the hell out of me, too. See how much we have in common,

you know? Oh.

You know, that's really why you should come back to the program. It might help

you. And it would really help me.

Why the fuck should I help you?

Because us celebrities have to stick together.

Oh.

Well, darling, you are a very beautiful girl. And I'd love to be struggling with

you. But you have this annoying verbal quality.

Oh, okay, okay, that's true. But still, the program works. Which Dave could

explain to you so much better than I.

If you weren't breastfeeding. Anyway, the point is, if you don't get sober,

drugs and booze are going to ruin your life.

Ruin my life?

Yeah. Billy, look around you. Look at all these people. They've all come here

be part of my ruined life.

Wow! Is that Keanu Reeves?

Then you're lucky he's an alcoholic, too.

Okay, what I really want to say is, Navi, could you just take me on stage

you and sing to me like Bruce Springsteen did with Courtney Cox?

know, we're a lot cuter than they are, don't you think?

There's that annoying verbal quality, hey?

Hey, sorry.

Sorry. Hey, listen.

Lobby, the program's really simple. All you have to do is admit that you are

powerful over alcohol.

Powerless. Powerless.

And apologize to the people you've hurt.

Admit your mistakes.

And a lot of other crap that I can't remember right now.

Dave!

Oh.

AXIP?

Oh.

People I've hurt.

Okay, I cheated on my ex -wife.

Once with a sister and a mother simultaneously.

Not proud of it, but I'll pay her $10 million a year in alimony.

And the little darling still lets me sleep with her when I'm in town.

As does her mum.

Admit my mistakes.

Look, I have made an absolute fortune out of making mistakes. There are 17

people out there waiting for me to come back on and sing about some more

mistakes. As for being powerless over alcohol...

Whiskey, I command you to go down my throat now.

See how it obeys me?

Did I mention that we get free coffee at the meetings?

Annoying verbal thing.

Sorry, ladies.

Passes only.

Antonia, give this man a blowjob.

Come on. It'll be the first real battle you've done in years.

On second thought.

Well, sex without drugs can be very rewarding also.

There you go, darling.

We don't want to smite you, do we?

Maybe booze has not completely destroyed your life, but think of your health.

Think about the poisons flowing through your blood right now. Yeah.

This blood? Yeah. This blood gets changed every 3 ,000 miles.

Two months ago, this blood was pumping around the veins of some vegetarian nuns

in Samarit.

I'm out.

You think you have the answers to everything, Mr. Smarty Leather Pants.

But I have a question that for all your fame and money and all your nun's blood,

you can't answer. Oh, yeah? Mm -hmm.

What's that?

What was the sister ship to the Titanic?

What?

Well, I don't know.

What?

The Carpathia. No, the Carpathia's the one that came too late to be available.

This is bloody stupid.

I'm going to sing.

The Andrew Dory. Sang off the coast of Nantucket on July 25th, 1956.

What are you, a fucking naval historian now? Just tune the guitar.

No, babe, darling.

Do you remember me now, darling?

Oh, sorry. Is this better?

Ah, yeah, yeah.

Give him a kiss from me.

Mother,

this isn't the 60s. Get your coat back on.

Oh, my God.

Upper right -hand corner!

That's my favorite pair!

All of you who are still pissed at me for breaking

Nobby's anonymity, raise your hand.

Oh, get a life!

I mean, I tried to fix it last night. I went backstage to see, well, let's just

call him Ralph.

And I took somebody from the program who was no help at all. Let's just call him

Dave. Yeah, well, Dave would never have been in that situation if it hadn't been

for a certain blabbermouth, let's just call her, Billet. Oh, I can think of a

lot of things to call it. Anyway, the point is, I tried really hard to make

amends with Ralph, so if he doesn't come back, it's not my fault.

Excuse me, love.

Can I taste something?

Ralph!

Check, check. One, two, one, two, three, four. Well, she was just... Not now,

dickhead.

Hi.

I'm Ralph.

And I'm Nomi.

I have a confession.

The judge didn't order me here. I came on my own.

You see, about two weeks ago, I staggered into a hotel room at about

'clock in the morning, turned on the TV, and there I was, staring back at me in

close -up. Only there was something wrong with my face.

It was kind of deathly pale and spotty.

And as I watched, it got bigger and bigger.

Until it exploded.

Turned out I was pissed drunk and watching a bowl of rice in a microwave.

No wonder he thinks TV's crap.

But I'm Nobby Clegg. I just can't waltz in here and say, Hi, I've quit drinking.

Give me a lemonade.

It's not what my fans want.

Fans are fickle.

Tell me about it. They want the man who snorted the coke out of his drummer's

nose. Not proud of it.

Especially since it was at his funeral.

Must have been an open casket.

The fact is, I...

Need help.

And I thought I could get it here without attracting too much attention.

all know how that turned out.

Ironically, however, the same annoying celebrity who drove me out

also managed to bring me back.

Called me celebrity.

Not because she.

What's the name of the sister ship of the Titanic?

No, I didn't know.

Couldn't sleep that night, kept thinking about it over and over again. Finally

called up my roadie, got him to look it up.

Now, there was no sort of hip. The Titanic was the biggest, most admired

the world.

And when it went down, it went down alone.

I want to thank you, Billy, for not wanting me to go down alone.

That is... Ow!

Lou! Boy, I am impressed. Really. I mean, how did you come up with such a

perfect metaphor for fame and drinking and loneliness all on the spur of the

moment? I didn't. I thought there was a sister ship.

The Queen Mary.

But if you didn't use the Titanic as a metaphor, why were you talking about

ships in the first place? Well, I thought if I could show him that he

have all the answers, that maybe he could learn something from the program.

Wow, that backfired nicely.

Dave. I'm a celebrity. He's a celebrity. We speak the same language.

Oh, and Dave? Yes? One more thing.

Got no sponsor all day long. Doo -dah, doo -dah.

Worked out good even when I got it wrong. Oh, the doo -dah day.

Like to fuck her all night.

Like to fuck her all day.

Okay, Milk, do you think Nobby's hair looks best right here or here?

I think it looks best next to that C the health department hung by the door.

Fine. Scott, okay? That thing is going to bring in new customers.

Hard Rock Cafe, eat your heart out.

You know, if you really want to impress people, here.

Tell them this was from Ray Charles.

Ray will never know.