Original subtitles

Hey, no matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see the basics.

What the hell was I thinking when I bought that?

Ooh, too perfect.

Okay, Dave.

You want to focus on the program instead of me?

Let's see how long you can hold out.

Oh. Men are so weak.

Isn't that Dave?

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

Hey, which one of these says, all you can eat?

Billy, I'm your brother.

The purple one.

Dave's trying to avoid me.

He says I don't support his sobriety. I mean, can you believe that? You throw a

couple drinks on a guy, and all of a sudden you're a bad influence.

Billy, um... Can I talk to you?

Um, Tish and I are having problems.

Well, it sounds like you need a marriage counselor.

Or a hit band.

Yeah, look, um, it's serious, okay?

It's about the baby.

Oh, how is little what's -his -name?

What is his name? That's problem number one. See, I want to name him after

Grandpa Joseph.

Tish wants to name him after her favorite televangelist.

Oral. Oral?

Why don't you just name him, let me take out my retainer so I don't swallow it

while you kick my ass.

I'd rather name him that. Yeah, but Oral?

What's his middle name going to be?

Hygiene? Sex?

Oh, surgery.

Which? Leads me to my next problem.

Tish doesn't want to have the baby circumcised.

Look, I know this never comes up in your marriage, but what do you want?

To avoid confrontation.

But what would you want if you were, say, a man?

You take that back or I'll... You'll swallow your rage?

God, come on. Okay. Say you're sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. Say it again. I'm sorry

that your pussy whipped like daddy. And you're a selfish, sex -crazed booze

hound. Sound familiar, Mom?

Low blow, Jerry, low blow. At least I'm a recovering booze hound. There is no

pussy -whipped anonymous.

Well, actually, there is, but our wives won't let us go to the meetings. Please,

please, please, come on, help me. Help me. Talk to her for me. Me?

What do I know about penises?

Don't answer that.

Look, the last thing I want to do is talk to Tish about...

The word anything springs to mind. Billy, please, come on. You owe me. You

me. Remember high school, huh? Who swallowed all your birth control pills

Dad searched your bedroom?

At least you didn't get pregnant.

True, but I was the only boy in my class to develop breasts.

And the first boy to learn how to unhook a bra.

My own.

Okay, Jerry, okay. I'm going to Mom's this afternoon.

Bring Tish over, and I'll give her my best circumcision sales pitch. Oh, God,

thank you so much.

Oh, and by the way, if it comes up, it was all your idea.

Oh, I gotta go. I gotta be in the elevator in two minutes.

Why? That's when Dave goes to work. If I play my cards right, he won't get

there.

Wow.

Are you in or out?

I would like to be both.

Repeatedly. Why can't you just work the program better so we can fuck? Why can't

you just forget the 12 steps?

The stress comes off in one.

You're making it very difficult.

Oh, baby, I don't know what you're talking about. Like last night when you

over to borrow a cup of semen?

I ran out.

Stay down, boy, stay down.

Semisosa, dead squirrels, pregnant nuns, Billy in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform.

Dave, are you having impure thoughts?

Dave, I'm going to go lingerie shopping.

You want to come?

I can't, honey. I'm meeting Milt.

Oh, yes.

How is your new boyfriend?

Well, my boyfriend is my sponsor.

We're going to work on my program and then decorating.

Oh, is that before or after the sodomy?

Oh.

What are you thinking of furniture?

Well, the last time I saw this much bamboo was under my fingernails. A POW

Ex -wife.

Stella made Nam seem like Disneyland.

Well, you know, when you have a budget of nothing, you begin to appreciate the

timeless beauty of return.

I hear you.

Man, when I got back from Nam, I was so poor, I had to appreciate the timeless

beauty of a cardboard box.

Not a lot of job opening for a drunk helicopter pilot with anger issues.

Damn, I'm always trying to keep the black man down.

At least out of the sky.

Hey, you want to move the rest of this furniture yourself?

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I'm just very excited. You know, this rattan is going to attract a whole

new clientele.

This rattan?

Yeah, and the cushions. You know, it's not enough to just go for the drunks and

the junkies and the crackheads. I want the sex addicts, the compulsive

and the overeaters.

A lot of them, because you've got to move these muffins.

Yeah, well, if you're going after the fatties, why did you buy so many chairs

made out of straw?

Couldn't afford wood or bricks.

But you know what my real dream is, Milton?

My real dream is that one day, a normal person is going to walk through these

doors. Huh? I mean, somebody who's not addicted to anything.

Except my coffee.

Mighty big dream, Dave.

Thank you.

Because, see, the coffee shop's like an extension of me. You know, as I improve,

the coffee shop improves. It's like this chair. This chair. It represents my

increasing self -worth.

Okay. Okay, maybe.

Not that chair.

But this couch?

If this is your self -worth, you need a psychiatrist.

And a decorator.

Thank you very much. Thank you for your support.

Oh, my pleasure.

What does this table represent, son?

Your feelings about your mama?

No. That is a place where people put their coffee.

Mommy, I've been trying to reach you.

Don't frighten him away.

You're bird watching?

No, I'm watching the neighbor's gardener. That gorgeous young man has

there all day in the hot sun, half naked on his hands and knees.

Some menace has been ripping up the begonias.

Oh, I bet I know which hoe did that.

But what I don't know, Mommy, is why is your phone disconnected?

Oh, that. Well, I didn't care to deal with Tish calling for baby help, so I

a private number just for friends.

Hello, I'm your daughter.

Darling, if I made an exception for you, I'd have to make one for your brother

and your father. You see how this thing could just snowball.

Okay, well, if I knew the number, Mother, I could have told you that Jerry

Tish are on their way over right now.

Max! Code red!

Tell Antonia to bring the car up front.

Evacuation! Women and children first. That's us, darling.

Hi, sweetie.

Did she give you the new number?

We're at DEFCON 2.

Well, great. I can see my new grandson.

Yes, well, you're going to get to see a lot more of him than you'd like.

Pitch refuses to have him circumcised.

He still has the hood on his schmeckle?

Mm -hmm. Oh, isn't it bad enough that Jerry converted to marry the Schickster?

Now we're going to have a grandson whose putz looks like an Aborigine's?

You should be so lucky. Wait a minute. This could be a blessing in disguise.

The baby is only a week old. We still have one day to have a Brit.

I don't know a lot about his religion, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't include a

rabbi whittling down her son's schlong.

If them go to plan B, blockade the front door. We'll hide in the wine cellar. If

we run out of food, Antonia goes first.

Hi. Hi.

There's my grandson.

He's with the babysitter. We thought we'd just stop by and say hi. And how

you, sweetie?

I'm exhausted. It hurts to sit and my boobies are leaking.

I'm just so hot.

Note to self, get to type.

Anyway, we were just chatting about circumcision, as people so often do.

They do?

Yeah, and do you know that out of all the guys I've dated, only two weren't

circumcised?

Don't worry, Daddy, we're not talking triple digits here. And most men in

have been snooked.

It's not that you're raising a future porn star, but these are all things to

consider. I'm circumcised.

Jerry's circumcised.

It's a family tradition.

Oh. Well, thank you for the X -rated pee -pee story.

But we have decided to let our son make his own decision when he is old enough.

Oh, I don't think any man wants to make that decision. Ever.

What do you think, Jerry?

Oh, well, Jerry supports me 100%. Don't you, Jerry?

Absolutely, positively, 100%. Although... Billy brings up some very

points that, upon further reflection, make no sense.

Do you even have a spine?

Billy, marriage is a very complicated thing, part of which involves removal of

the spine.

All right, sweetie, let's cut to the chase.

How much for the foreskin?

This isn't about money.

Of course it isn't. But if it was, what kind of cash are we talking about?

No idea why y 'all are so interested in my baby's noodle.

A little cosmetic surgery never hurt anyone. Except Michael Jackson.

Oh, and that lady who looked like a cat.

I'm sorry, but I just do not believe that circumcision is necessary.

It is if you want to be a porn star.

I have heard enough.

No one is going to mutilate a mom baby.

I think she's softening.

Jerry! Coming!

This is not over.

I am going to ask Rabbi Breston to talk to her. He's a learned man. If anyone

can persuade her, he can. And if that doesn't work, we'll do it while she

and blame it on elves.

Jewish elves.

Jewish elves?

What do they do, Santa's bookkeeping?

Mother, if you circumcise that baby without Fisher's permission, you're

going to see her again.

Too bad, darling, too bad.

Bonjour. Is this the Chez Du Monde bakery?

I'm throwing a surprise brith, and I want something with a little panache.

Mm -hm.

Do you have a cake shaped like a dick?

You heard me, darling. A cock cake.

Oh, the Tommy Lee Feeds 30.

I never thought I'd ask this, but do you have anything smaller?

Howard Stern? No, not that small.

I was up all night, you know, thinking about a new name for the coffee shop,

something that reflects the decor, and my commitment to serving others, and the

social significance of coffee at the dawning of a new millennium. Oh, yeah,

what'd you come up with?

Dave's.

Up all night, huh?

Oh, were you thinking about me?

I'd be hiding, you know, I'm lying there, naked, only two floors up.

Yes, but sleeping between us is old Mrs. Gelfarb and her colostomy bag.

Oh, that's no way to refer to Mr.

Gelfarb.

So you're having to comment on what I've done with you.

You're trying to be nice.

Ooh, there is a first time for everything.

No, I love it.

Yeah? It's very... Gidget goes to rehab.

Hi, Dave Doggy.

I'm not wearing any bikini bottoms. Want to shoot the two?

Dave?

Dave?

Dave! Huh?

You need to go home and take a nap.

I know something I could do to you that would put you right to sleep.

What, talk?

At least my personality wasn't shot off in Nam.

Oh, really? Where did you lose it? Don't fight, don't fight.

There's plenty of Dave to go around.

You take his ego.

I'll take whatever's left.

I hate to complain again.

About my co -worker, Juanita.

Y 'all know her as the Channel 6's traffic reporter, you know, the cutie

the sky.

Well, to me, she's that whiny little bitch in the passenger seat.

Today, she insisted that I land a chopper in front of 7 -Eleven so she

her skinny ass a power bar.

One more demand like that and I'm going to push her butt out in mid -flight.

Let her get a real close -up look at the interstate.

Expect delays.

Anybody else want to share?

Come on, Dave.

Okay, thanks.

Hi, I'm Dave. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Dave.

As some of you know, I've been doing some work on myself, and that includes

redecorating the coffee shop.

Unfortunately, I've had to raise prices. I really had no underwear. I mean,

choice. But when you taste the new pastries and you

eat our fresh muffins,

Muffins. You're just going to want to snatch them right up. No, I mean,

you're... You know, that's right. That's right. In conclusion, I just want to

say that whoever said when you're making a speech to just picture everybody

naked was a full of shit.

Mucho más higher, Antonia. Stretch those little Latin limbs.

I should have hired a Dane.

Oh,

please tell me I'm in the wrong house. Please tell me I'm in the wrong family.

I know I'm your mother, darling, but I can't speak for your father.

Happy birthday?

What?

Were they out of farewell foreskin?

No, I put that on the napkins. Oh, Mother, we were supposed to be trying to

Tish into this circumcision thing, not shove it in her face.

Weenie?

What's wrong with having a theme?

You bought a cock cake?

It's chocolate. How could you?

They were out of vanilla.

And you're out of your mind.

Oh, pardon me. for trying to make this day special.

I'll have you know I worked Anthony's fingers to the bone planning this party.

And cock cakes don't grow on trees, darling. I schlepped this one all the

back from West Hollywood.

What did you bring? Nothing but your surly attitude, your pointed barb. And

psycho mom deflector ring. I'm upset, and all you care about is jewelry.

Hey, it's working.

Oh, God bless you too, Antonia. No, no, no, no, no.

Peace be with you also.

Oh,

I didn't know we were having a birthday party.

He knows.

Uh -oh.

Somebody has a special delivery for Mr. Poop. Well, I'm not signing for it. I

thought we were going for subtle. What's next? Pin the dick on the donkey?

No, bobbing for testicles.

I think it's festive. I always throw a party after surgery.

You know, laughter is the best medicine. Yes, remember the clown she hired for

my angioplasty?

False alarm.

The baby doesn't need changing.

That's your opinion.

Can you see Blankie?

Blankie?

It's not you, Ina. I'm talking to the baby.

Can you say bottle?

Yes. Can you say grandma?

Can you say refill?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, y 'all got a cake.

Oh.

It's Banana Nut. Well, doesn't he look happy?

Put a smile on my face. I'm glad somebody appreciates my creative

to the event.

Yes.

What do you think?

Oh, we'll get it.

Hi. You're Diana Gateway from Emerald Bluff. Well, not to mention my three

-episode arc on St. Elsewhere.

Are you a fan?

Yes. I downloaded naked photos of you off the web. Has -beens .net.

Couldn't they call it once famous but fallen on hard times through no fault of

their own yet still amazingly beautiful .net?

I will email the webmaster.

Are you a stalker?

Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, but could you stalk me some other time

because we're having a bris? Yeah, I know. I'm the mohel.

Hi.

What happened to Rabbi Breston? He slipped a disc doing his Elvis

the Fine Bird Bar Mitzvah. I'm his replacement.

Um, just for the record, how many circumcisions have you done?

Well... Technically, this is the first.

I don't believe it. You've hired a virgin, Moyle. Oh, you have nothing to

about. I studied at Temple Beth -El. I am certified by the California Board of

Rabbis. I assure you, I am well qualified.

Plus, I practice on a lot of bananas.

So did I.

Excuse me, could we get the show on the road, please?

Well,

look who stopped by.

Our Jewish friend, Moyle. Oh, nice to meet you, Moyle.

What? What?

This is Dad's idea of a wise old rabbi?

Well, he's a mini -moil. I bet we get a cut rate.

You get it? Cut rate.

Did you get it? Oh, God. This is worse than my bar mitzvah when Mom was so

she heckled me while I read from the Torah.

Yeah.

Too much bar and not enough mitzvah.

So, so I want to welcome you all to this joyous occasion through which we

reaffirm our covenant with God.

Maybe this time things will turn out okay.

May I have the child?

That Jew has a knife!

Brother man, the place is getting there.

See what you can do when you're not thinking about getting laid?

Don't listen to him.

Remember when it was just you, me, and sex?

Think about how much fun we could have breaking in this new furniture.

Dave, stick with the program. We end this together, buddy.

And quit daydreaming.

Damn, Teddy, start right up on me.

Dave? Um, sorry, what did you say?

I said see what can happen when you're not thinking about getting laid.

No, because ever since you told me not to think about Billy, that's like all I

can think about. You know, it's like telling somebody not to think about a

elephant.

By the way, pink's not your color.

Dish? It's Grandmama Trudy. Now, don't be a party pooper. We love you.

Come on out before we call the SWAT team.

Mom, you're scaring her.

Let's just forget this.

No, we have to hold our ground. This is how it always starts.

One day, they won't let you circumcise your grandson.

The next, your Uncle Morty is a lampshade. Aye.

Tish, please let me in. It's Billy. I just want to talk to you for a minute.

No, go away.

Come on, Tish.

Who did the toast at your wedding?

Well, I mean, you were still saying your vows, but it's a thought that counts.

Come on, Tish, you can trust Billy. She was your maid of honor.

But she threw up on the minister. Where's the honor in that?

Shh!

Hey, and who was your labor coach, Tish? Me. You let me hold that baby when he

was only a minute old.

I won't let anyone hurt him.

Please?

All right, but only you.

Well done, darling. Now you hit her in the throat, and then I'll grab the baby

and run.

Hit her in the throat.

Not hard. Just enough to stun her.

Lord, please help me.

I'm in the lion's den.

Tish, this is a bathroom.

Lion's dens don't have bidets.

Look, Tish, I'm sorry. Maybe my family could have handled this better.

Maybe? You lured me here under false pretense to try to cut my baby's pee

off and your mother wants to hit me in the throat?

Oh, she meant that in a loving way. I mean, if she really disliked you, she'd

have told me to go for the eyes.

Grandma doesn't like me. Of course she does.

Come on, you see that cake she bought and the banner?

I mean, she really put her heart, what there is of it, into this party.

And I really appreciate it and all. Just the same, I'd like to take my baby and

go home.

Okay, well, you know, you have every right to do that.

But... The baby is Jerry's, too.

But a mother always knows what's best. Have you met my mother?

You know, Jesus was circumcised, and he turned out okay.

I mean, except for the whole crucifixion thing.

Jesus was... I never realized that about Jesus.

I get it, because when you always see him up there nailed to the cross, he's

that little loincloth on.

Uh -huh, but...

The real point is that Jerry spends his whole life trying to make you happy.

I mean, he converted for you, for Christ's sake.

I know, that's true.

And the baby is half Jerry. Then he doesn't even want half. He just wants a

little tiny piece.

Come on, Tish, can't you just do this one thing for him?

Well, I guess if Mary could do it, I could.

Yeah, and see, then you and Mary would have something in common.

You know, something to chat about during the many talks you people have with

her.

Hey, I mean, if Mary was here right now, she'd say, what, you think your son's

so special? My son walked at six months.

On water yet.

All right already.

And with this ceremony, we show our faith in God.

In the tradition of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, does the child have a name?

Oral Joseph Frank.

Well.

This is the first time we've all prayed together as a family.

Kind of a miracle.

Now we'll give the child a sip of wine to help deaden his pain.

May I? No, I need it to deaden my own pain.

Right.

Use my leaf.

Just a sip.

Ow!

Likes the wine.

And in the family.

Everybody ready? I'm so nervous, I can't look.

So am I. Okay.

Excuse me.

I think, uh... Yeah.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I can't do this. Come on. I can't do it. I'm too young. Come on, Moyle. I'm too

inexperienced. I'm too immature.

It's a man's job.

I'll handle this.

Well, today I am a man.

Great job, kid.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I know you guys make your living off tips.

Yeah, you probably hear that all the time.

No, first time, actually.

Tip? Oh, I get it.

Yeah.

You were such a brave boy, Oral. You'll have to be with that name.

Thank you.

But you're on your own for the bar mitzvah.

Hey, coffee table is for coffee, not for feet. Come on, what were you, raising a

barn? Actually, I was.

Old man kept me chained to a tractor for six long years.

Thanks for bringing it up.

Oh, Stan, come on, use a coaster? Man, I just paid for this stuff.

I just bought this stuff.

Do you believe this?

No respect.

Hey, Milt, I'm going to Java Joe's. Want to come along?

Java Joe's? Come on, his coffee sucks.

Yeah, but they let us put our feet up on the table.

But... Milt! Hey, man, he's my ride.

But... Norm!

Guys!

Lou!

Well, I like it.