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Last week on Rude Awakening... You know,
I'm really glad I'm doing this. Good. I
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00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:10,659
mean, I'm out with you, I'm in a bar,
I'm not drinking, and I'm actually
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00:00:10,660 --> 00:00:12,020
fun. Want to try the math?
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00:00:12,940 --> 00:00:14,180
I don't know about that.
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00:00:14,391 --> 00:00:16,479
Hey, man!
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00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:19,790
Tonight we got a real special guest up
here on the karaoke machine.
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Everybody put your hands together for
Billy's mom, Trudy!
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Go, Pa!
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00:00:26,220 --> 00:00:27,940
Get your makeup running!
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00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,120
Head down on the highway.
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00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:38,160
Baby, there's a mouse in your house.
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00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:42,240
But he's a pet mouse. What a freaky
night.
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00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,180
I'm going to bed.
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I believe somebody forgot the cheese.
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From where are the...
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It doesn't leave us.
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and I left something there last night.
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What?
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My balls.
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Could you check under the couch?
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What the hell happened here?
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00:02:51,870 --> 00:02:57,369
Well, I was looking for my mouse
thoroughly, which explains the furniture
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the cheese.
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Do you think?
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No. I know. Did you find him? No. And
now I need so many crackers.
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Here. Yeah. Hey.
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00:03:08,870 --> 00:03:09,920
Have a cheese wheel.
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How can I put this without sounding
prissy?
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Eek, a mouse.
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Oh, you found him?
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Eek, a dead mouse.
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Oh, slow -mo.
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He ate himself to death.
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He died happy, honey. There are rodents
in India that don't even know what
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cheese is.
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This is all a big joke for you, isn't
it?
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Kind of, yeah. Can I trade this for
Jarlsberg? How can you even think about
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eating at a time like this?
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00:03:38,591 --> 00:03:42,549
Well, honey, Shlomo would have wanted it
that way. You know, if he taught us one
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thing, he taught us this.
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Enjoy the cheese.
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At least he didn't die in vain.
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No, he died in cheese.
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00:03:51,090 --> 00:03:56,309
Oh, that's not funny. I'm just trying to
make you laugh. Look, I was up all
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night thinking about what the hell was
going on with you, and I finally figured
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it out.
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00:04:00,481 --> 00:04:03,629
You did? Yes, I figured it out. Because,
you know, I've been in the program for
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almost a year, and I can see the signs.
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You saw the signs? I certainly did.
Well, I...
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00:04:08,110 --> 00:04:11,150
I freaked out, too, just before I got my
60 -day chip.
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Ah!
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Yes!
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The 60 -day chip!
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I'm just freaking out. It's like... Hey,
you know what? What? You.
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I don't understand it. Huh.
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Thank you.
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00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:26,690
And... Perceptive. That's what they call
me.
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00:04:27,010 --> 00:04:29,180
Perceptive Dave. Yeah? Who calls you
that?
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00:04:29,230 --> 00:04:31,830
Um... I don't know. I haven't been
paying attention.
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Okay, I gotta go to work. Um, I'm glad I
figured it out.
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00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:40,059
And, uh, see you later. And productive
Dave, too. Yes, yes, I could be
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Dave, but I gotta go. Ah!
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Bye!
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Poor Shlomo.
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00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,930
Shlomo, I'm sorry. I didn't know you
were a teetheholic.
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You know, you were much cuter when you
weren't rotting.
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00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,589
Thanks for buying.
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00:05:08,590 --> 00:05:12,149
I'm kind of broke and nobody will hire
me. I've been to St. Joe's, St. Ann's,
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St. John's, and the big Jew hospital.
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00:05:13,891 --> 00:05:17,389
Well, you know, if you called it that in
your interview, I can see why you
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didn't get the job.
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Wow. The Jews are so sensitive.
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Yeah, well, that's why we need our own
hospital.
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00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,559
You know, I find it really hard to
believe that a registered nurse cannot
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00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,699
job. Yeah, you steal some morphine, a
couple of needles from county, and all
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a sudden you're labeled a problem nurse.
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You know, people are so quick to judge.
It's not like you're hurting anybody,
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right?
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Only myself.
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You know, it's too bad there's not a
plague or a worse something.
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I mean, when people are bleeding
profusely, they don't have time to check
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references.
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00:05:50,291 --> 00:05:55,189
Well, with any luck, there'll be an
outbreak of Ebola in Brentwood.
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Doesn't your mother live there?
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This is what I'm saying. Uh -huh.
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Hey, you look great.
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See what comes from healthy living?
That's right, Abe.
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Have some camembert.
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00:06:08,970 --> 00:06:11,230
Hey, thanks. I love camembert.
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00:06:12,250 --> 00:06:14,430
Fondue party, my house Friday night.
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00:06:14,910 --> 00:06:20,170
He gets camembert, and all I get are
these slices of Velveeta. He's gay.
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00:06:22,190 --> 00:06:23,750
White? Uh -huh. Hello.
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Have some feta.
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00:06:26,090 --> 00:06:29,690
Oh. Okay. Who would like to begin
sharing?
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Please don't pick Naomi. Oh, anyone but
non -star Naomi. Please don't pick
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Naomi. Please don't pick Naomi. Please
don't pick Naomi. Naomi.
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Oh, no.
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Hello.
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My name is Naomi, and I'm an alcoholic.
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Hi.
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00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,880
My story begins when my grandparents
came here from Ireland.
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Oy vey, the director's cut.
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And so,
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to
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make a long story short... Too late.
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Last night, I felt a cult coming on.
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And I had a...
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A little sip of NyQuil, and then
another, and then another. All right, I
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six -pack, okay?
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00:07:27,710 --> 00:07:28,760
I slipped.
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I have just got my two -year chip, and
now I have to start all over again. What
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is going on? I zoned out when she lost
her virginity.
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She drank some NyQuil, and now she's
back at day one.
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Oh, come on. I mean, she must be a very
strict, orthodox type of drunk.
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I mean, you and me, we're more like
drunks that go to a temple only on Yom
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Kippur, right?
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I don't know what any of the Jew talk
is.
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But a slip is a slip.
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And so I'm a newcomer, again.
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00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,060
But my cold is better.
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00:08:02,061 --> 00:08:06,359
Except for a little tickling in the back
of my throat. Okay, thank you so much,
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00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,960
Naomi. I know that took a lot of guts.
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And a lot of time.
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In fact, that's all the time we have for
today.
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Thank God that is over.
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Here's a job that might work for me.
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00:08:20,470 --> 00:08:25,009
It's manager of West Hollywood's number
one lesbian S &M bar. Ah, the pussy
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whip. Yeah, isn't that right next door
to the open fist?
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00:08:27,630 --> 00:08:29,610
No, no, no, no. The open fist closed.
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00:08:29,950 --> 00:08:31,450
Now it's a Birkenstock outlet.
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00:08:31,451 --> 00:08:32,308
Bye -bye.
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00:08:32,309 --> 00:08:34,779
Bye. Do you think you can give me a lift
to the club?
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Oh. Hmm.
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00:08:37,030 --> 00:08:41,529
Yes. And I need to stop at my mom's. And
maybe she can give you some good old
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pussy whipping pointers.
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Your mother? Yeah.
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Ooh. Come on.
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Mom, whoever he is, he's gone.
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Oh, thank God you're here.
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I can't move.
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00:08:57,821 --> 00:09:02,649
What? Don't tell me you got smashed and
tried to go under an invisible limbo
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00:09:02,650 --> 00:09:06,850
bar? No, I was trying to achieve orgasm
through kundalini yoga.
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00:09:06,851 --> 00:09:11,509
Can't you just give it a little twiddle
like the rest of us?
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00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:12,830
Oh, how boring.
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00:09:12,831 --> 00:09:16,489
I'm looking for a hug, mate. A twiddle,
something that says to the universe,
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look, God, no hands.
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00:09:17,771 --> 00:09:20,249
Is that really when you want God to be
looking?
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00:09:20,250 --> 00:09:24,449
Oh, well, I call out his name. Anyone
might as well put on a good show, get me
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00:09:24,450 --> 00:09:28,930
drink. Mother, it is 11 o 'clock in the
morning. Put it in a coffee cup.
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00:09:29,190 --> 00:09:32,170
You know, you really shouldn't be doing
yoga alone.
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00:09:32,590 --> 00:09:35,420
But obviously you could hurt yourself.
Dad wasn't alone.
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Sri Baba Nanda was guiding me toward
ecstasy.
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00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:43,599
Sri Baba Nanda? Do you know there's a
blonde boy who works at that Indian
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restaurant?
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00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:49,439
Kenny from the curry hut? He was helping
me achieve orgasm by spiritually
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manipulating my mula bandha. Mula
bandha? Crotch!
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00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:55,940
Oh, I am never going to the curry hut
again.
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00:09:56,220 --> 00:10:01,259
Where is Antonia? Oh, she's out of the
country. Some family emergency in one of
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00:10:01,260 --> 00:10:04,080
those ugly little countries like Ecuador
or Bumidor.
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00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:09,280
You know, what you need is a nurse. A
caring...
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00:10:10,579 --> 00:10:13,889
Qualified. Licensed. Pending a hearing.
Kind of nurse. You're hired.
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00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:18,759
I should give you a warning. Her motto
is first world service at third world
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prices. I have a motto, too. You want to
hear it?
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00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:22,859
Rent's due.
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00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:25,720
No. Get me a bell and some hemorrhoid
cream.
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00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:30,880
On that note, I will be running,
screaming out of here. Mommy, feel
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00:10:31,060 --> 00:10:36,700
Kiss, kiss, darling. You put away all
sharp objects.
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00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,340
Why? Is she violent? No.
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00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:52,950
Yes, this is on the house to celebrate
your 60 -day chance.
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00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,820
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
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Makes the sponsor want to cry.
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00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:58,360
Do you have any cleanup?
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00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:03,180
Oh, well, I have a tampon, but it's very
absorbent.
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00:11:03,181 --> 00:11:07,319
Yeah, you know, it's weird. Just the
mere mention of a tampon dried me right
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00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:08,940
I have mentioned I'm gay, right?
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00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:11,670
Empathic. So, Chad, about Naomi
yesterday.
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Don't you think that it's unfair that
she has to go all the way back to day
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00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:19,090
just because she drank some NyQuil? No,
no, no, no, no. She slipped.
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00:11:19,091 --> 00:11:22,909
NyQuil has alcohol in it. Yeah, well, so
does KY Jelly, but I don't see you
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turning in all your chips.
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00:11:24,490 --> 00:11:26,170
Billy, I don't take it internally.
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00:11:28,770 --> 00:11:30,510
Oh, God, I got to call my sponsor.
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00:11:32,890 --> 00:11:33,940
What's up with him?
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00:11:34,990 --> 00:11:36,040
He's just being anal.
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00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,710
So, Dave, let me ask you. Yeah.
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00:11:38,711 --> 00:11:41,599
Don't you think that Naomi's being a
little bit hard on herself?
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00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,730
I mean, maybe she didn't know that the
NyQuil had alcohol in it.
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00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,780
It comes with its own shot glass.
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00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:48,980
Look, it's a very simple rule.
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00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,840
Stay away from alcohol, stay away from
drugs.
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00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,760
And you have... Meeting time.
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00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:56,230
Come on, everybody.
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00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:00,299
Good news, good news. My sponsor says I
have nothing to worry about. He said
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00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:04,030
that if KY was considered a slip, there
wouldn't be a sober gay man on Earth.
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00:12:04,860 --> 00:12:05,910
Will.
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00:12:11,210 --> 00:12:12,830
Now we have some chips to hand out.
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00:12:13,630 --> 00:12:15,710
You're all getting very sleepy.
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00:12:16,221 --> 00:12:18,149
Wake up.
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00:12:18,150 --> 00:12:22,849
Okay, now, this first one is very, very,
very special to me because I am her
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00:12:22,850 --> 00:12:25,810
sponsor. So, hooray for me.
201
00:12:26,870 --> 00:12:30,110
Billy, come up here and get your 60 -day
chip.
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00:12:31,030 --> 00:12:36,250
You did it, you did it, you did it.
203
00:12:37,850 --> 00:12:38,900
We love you.
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00:12:38,970 --> 00:12:40,610
We love you so much.
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00:12:40,611 --> 00:12:44,129
It's hard for me to express what I'm
feeling right now, but I'm going to try.
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00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:45,270
Okay, thank you, Naomi.
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00:12:45,570 --> 00:12:48,570
Thank you. Billy, I am just so proud of
you.
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00:12:49,050 --> 00:12:50,490
Thank you.
209
00:12:52,650 --> 00:12:55,240
You're like the fat girl in a Richard
Simmons video.
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00:13:00,770 --> 00:13:01,820
Surprise!
211
00:13:03,070 --> 00:13:04,120
Congratulations.
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00:13:04,410 --> 00:13:05,460
Dave.
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00:13:05,810 --> 00:13:06,860
You shouldn't have.
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00:13:07,050 --> 00:13:10,610
Oh, come on. Here. A little sparkling
apple juice. Very good month.
215
00:13:13,170 --> 00:13:17,490
Sir, I do believe you're trying to keep
me sober. Yes, because frankly, my dear,
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00:13:17,650 --> 00:13:18,950
I give a damn.
217
00:13:19,601 --> 00:13:26,349
It's a huge achievement. You know that?
A lot of people don't make it through 60
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00:13:26,350 --> 00:13:27,409
days without slipping.
219
00:13:27,410 --> 00:13:29,570
Well, that doesn't make them bad people.
220
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:31,610
You know, who are you to judge?
221
00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:35,390
I'm not judging. I'm congratulating. Oh.
Shut up. Come here.
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00:13:36,141 --> 00:13:40,989
Wait till you see what I have for you in
the bedroom.
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00:13:40,990 --> 00:13:42,040
Oh, yeah?
224
00:13:42,041 --> 00:13:42,849
Very big.
225
00:13:42,850 --> 00:13:43,900
Oh.
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00:13:46,070 --> 00:13:47,290
Hi, this is Billy.
227
00:13:47,750 --> 00:13:48,970
How does this work?
228
00:13:50,150 --> 00:13:54,149
Hey, baby. I don't know how you came
down from our little acid trip, but I
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00:13:54,150 --> 00:13:58,670
up in Tarzana with a Thighmaster
strapped to my head. Damn, my neck is
230
00:14:01,830 --> 00:14:05,329
Good Thighmaster strapped to your head.
We talk about not reading the
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00:14:05,330 --> 00:14:09,659
instructions. You took an acid trip.
Well, I mean, it was hardly a trip. It
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00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:14,440
more of a jaunt, an outing, a stroll, if
you will.
233
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:16,900
That's why you've been acting so weird.
234
00:14:16,901 --> 00:14:20,479
I can't even believe I didn't notice
that. That's great. And you took a chip.
235
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:23,899
You went up in front of all those people
who love you, and you just took a chip.
236
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:27,039
Well, they would have been so
disappointed if I hadn't. I mean, you
237
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,630
sometimes you have to put other people
first, Dave.
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00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,390
Like you're putting me first, lying to
my face.
239
00:14:32,391 --> 00:14:35,759
You're so perceptive, Dave. You let me
call myself perceptive Dave.
240
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,380
It was a little tab of acid. Half a tab.
A dot, really.
241
00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:43,380
Look, at least I didn't drink NyQuil.
You took acid!
242
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,040
I didn't even like it.
243
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,150
You know, if you don't like something,
it doesn't count.
244
00:14:48,151 --> 00:14:49,099
What, you too?
245
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:53,219
That is why I don't count losing my
virginity at 15, because I didn't like
246
00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:57,699
until later. And that is why I
officially lost my virginity at 18,
247
00:14:57,700 --> 00:14:59,320
would know if you read Tiger Beat.
248
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:04,129
Honey. You broke your sobriety, and now
you have to start over. That's it. No
249
00:15:04,130 --> 00:15:06,150
way. No way.
250
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:12,049
I worked hard to get this chip. I wanted
to drink, and I didn't drink for 60
251
00:15:12,050 --> 00:15:16,709
days. And one teeny little 22 -and -a
-half -hour acid trip is not going to
252
00:15:16,710 --> 00:15:18,869
cancel it out. Okay, honey, give me the
chip back.
253
00:15:18,870 --> 00:15:22,109
Get your own goddamn chip. I have plenty
of chips. I've been sober for almost a
254
00:15:22,110 --> 00:15:25,649
year. Oh, well, good for you. Why don't
you take all your little chips and make
255
00:15:25,650 --> 00:15:28,300
a little banner on the wall? Just give
me it. Give me it.
256
00:15:28,851 --> 00:15:30,939
Look, you're nuts.
257
00:15:30,940 --> 00:15:34,959
Okay, I like a crazy woman as much as
the next recovering alcoholic, but when
258
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:38,919
you start lying and dropping acid and
then biting me, I draw the line. No, no,
259
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,000
no, come on, Dave. Don't leave all that.
260
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:46,339
But you can't be sober if you're not
honest. So until you can be honest, I
261
00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:49,139
want to be here. Okay, Dave, listen.
Listen to me, please. What?
262
00:15:49,140 --> 00:15:52,160
I admit lying to you is wrong.
263
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:53,570
It was bad.
264
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:59,080
It was. It was really bad. I don't know
how to make it up to you except...
265
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:00,570
What?
266
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:01,710
What?
267
00:16:07,351 --> 00:16:09,379
Well,
268
00:16:09,380 --> 00:16:16,119
that
269
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,170
was a new low.
270
00:16:18,740 --> 00:16:25,100
Put that knife away!
271
00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:28,180
Please, put it away!
272
00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:33,480
Frignited. Frightened.
273
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:34,770
Frightened.
274
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:36,890
Help!
275
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:40,610
Me!
276
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,610
Bravo!
277
00:16:44,180 --> 00:16:46,440
Bravo, you've got a lot of heart, baby.
278
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:53,359
Boy, you know, I see a lot of bimbos
come through here, but you, you are an
279
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,410
actress.
280
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:57,520
Now I need to see your breasts.
281
00:16:58,740 --> 00:16:59,790
Finally.
282
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,680
Like I said, bravo.
283
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,280
Hey, you too, bravo.
284
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:14,060
Oh, well, he really appreciates raw
talent.
285
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:19,940
Oh, hey, now. And listen, we start
production next Monday, so we'll be in
286
00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:21,839
Thanks, Mr. Short.
287
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,290
Do you validate?
288
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:26,619
Yeah, I did.
289
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:35,750
Oh, God.
290
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:42,260
You know, going to production next week.
I know, I know. But, hey, I'm bored,
291
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:44,839
okay? And it's, you know, it's cheaper
than a strip joint.
292
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,940
Oh, Harv, how can you lie to those girls
like that?
293
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,580
Hey, I'm a producer. I have to lie.
294
00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:54,180
And if the lie doesn't hurt anybody,
then that's okay, right?
295
00:17:54,420 --> 00:17:55,470
It's more than okay.
296
00:17:56,580 --> 00:17:57,680
It's why you lie.
297
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:02,060
You are so wise. I really should be
spending more time with you.
298
00:18:02,061 --> 00:18:05,349
Well, you know, I'm here at work a lot.
Why don't you come down occasionally?
299
00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:11,330
Say, uh, nine -ish to, uh, five -ish.
Oh, but I would shop when -ish. Oh!
300
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:18,849
My point is, I am so sick of those
killjoys that Addiction's anonymous
301
00:18:18,850 --> 00:18:20,530
with their rules and regulations.
302
00:18:21,130 --> 00:18:22,180
Oh,
303
00:18:22,450 --> 00:18:24,010
hey, Billy.
304
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:29,930
What? Billy, I don't do westerns, but
I'm seeing a wagon and somebody...
305
00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:31,870
falling off.
306
00:18:31,940 --> 00:18:33,160
Can you take a drink? No!
307
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:37,400
I mean, I just, you know, accidentally
did some acid.
308
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:39,040
Hold it. Time out.
309
00:18:39,420 --> 00:18:40,470
Accidentally?
310
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:45,219
Hey, who are you talking to? What, were
you at a dead concert and you yawned and
311
00:18:45,220 --> 00:18:49,100
some freak gust of wind blew a tab of
acid into your mouth?
312
00:18:49,590 --> 00:18:53,200
What difference does it make? As long as
I didn't have a drink... Hi, honey,
313
00:18:53,250 --> 00:18:57,789
please, please, don't bullshit a
bullshitter. You know, I don't know,
314
00:18:57,790 --> 00:19:00,869
if I'm wrong, but isn't sobering me not
supposed to get, you know, fucked up on
315
00:19:00,870 --> 00:19:04,480
anything? I mean, really, Billy, you're
just lying to yourself, honey.
316
00:19:04,550 --> 00:19:07,730
Please, Harv, you lie to yourself all
the time.
317
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,570
Au contraire. No, no, no.
318
00:19:11,190 --> 00:19:13,010
I know who I am.
319
00:19:13,470 --> 00:19:14,520
Yeah? Yeah.
320
00:19:15,350 --> 00:19:18,110
I'm a middle -aged schlock movie
producer.
321
00:19:19,370 --> 00:19:22,410
I tape Marmaduke cartoons on my
refrigerator.
322
00:19:22,830 --> 00:19:25,240
Yeah, because I just cannot commit to a
real dog.
323
00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:28,330
That's because I have a fear of dying
alone.
324
00:19:29,070 --> 00:19:34,850
And I have a fear of dying with a large
group of people around me.
325
00:19:36,510 --> 00:19:37,850
How hard was that, huh?
326
00:19:38,050 --> 00:19:39,100
You're right.
327
00:19:39,350 --> 00:19:41,750
I didn't take the acid by accident.
328
00:19:42,550 --> 00:19:45,550
But from now on, I'm not going to lie
anymore.
329
00:19:46,070 --> 00:19:47,120
That's it.
330
00:19:48,139 --> 00:19:49,400
Very good. Very good.
331
00:19:50,980 --> 00:19:52,030
Ladies,
332
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:58,050
grab your tits and run. We are not in
production on anything.
333
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:00,570
Ladies,
334
00:20:01,140 --> 00:20:02,380
I'm sorry.
335
00:20:02,381 --> 00:20:03,599
I'm really sorry.
336
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,340
I had six months to live. I didn't know
what I was doing.
337
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,640
You're right. I feel so much better.
338
00:20:15,110 --> 00:20:16,330
I need some chardonnay.
339
00:20:16,610 --> 00:20:20,190
My blood alcohol level has plummeted to
a dangerous low. Yeah?
340
00:20:20,191 --> 00:20:23,009
Well, in a few days, it might be legal
for you to drive.
341
00:20:23,010 --> 00:20:23,749
No, why?
342
00:20:23,750 --> 00:20:25,230
Why, no! You idiot!
343
00:20:27,890 --> 00:20:29,450
Here's a little tip for the sick.
344
00:20:29,930 --> 00:20:33,120
Don't piss off the nurse. I make a mean
colonic. Now take your pill.
345
00:20:33,310 --> 00:20:36,800
This is over -the -counter crap.
Wouldn't take the edge off a paper cup.
346
00:20:38,110 --> 00:20:41,750
Get me some ice, and then when you come
back, give me a foot massage.
347
00:20:42,250 --> 00:20:43,510
Oh, chop, chop, nurse!
348
00:20:44,639 --> 00:20:47,580
My name is Jackie.
349
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,770
Okay? You should be able to remember it
because it rhymes with lackey.
350
00:20:52,260 --> 00:20:53,520
Chop, chop, lackey.
351
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,520
Hey, hi. How is she? I'm about to put a
pillow over her face.
352
00:20:59,860 --> 00:21:02,080
Oh, welcome to the family.
353
00:21:04,020 --> 00:21:05,070
Mommy?
354
00:21:07,070 --> 00:21:08,120
How are you feeling?
355
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:12,650
Grandpa Donnie wouldn't believe the
hideous neglect I've had to endure.
356
00:21:12,970 --> 00:21:19,209
I am completely dehydrated, darling.
Look, Nurse Blackie won't give me a drop
357
00:21:19,210 --> 00:21:20,260
liquid.
358
00:21:20,590 --> 00:21:21,910
Mother, what is all this?
359
00:21:22,210 --> 00:21:25,910
Well, it might as well be cat piss for
all the good it's doing me. Tomato
360
00:21:26,030 --> 00:21:30,329
carrot juice. What am I, a fucking
rabbit? I'm surrounded by chasers with
361
00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:31,410
nothing to chase.
362
00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:35,570
Shh, Mommy, calm down. I can't calm
down, darling.
363
00:21:36,310 --> 00:21:42,370
I'm in terrible pain, and the whole
world is in sharp focus. It's dreadful,
364
00:21:42,430 --> 00:21:43,480
darling. Look.
365
00:21:43,730 --> 00:21:48,130
Right across the room. Oh, my God. What
is that hideous thing over there?
366
00:21:48,850 --> 00:21:51,530
Uh, it's a mirror, Mommy. That's you.
367
00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:53,820
Oh!
368
00:21:53,950 --> 00:21:57,710
Oh, my God. That's what I look like. No
wonder I drink.
369
00:21:57,711 --> 00:22:02,889
Mother, you know, I mean, I'd love to
say that you're beautiful on the inside,
370
00:22:02,890 --> 00:22:04,450
but... Darling, darling, darling.
371
00:22:08,050 --> 00:22:11,630
Liquor, darling? No, I won't. You
heartless child.
372
00:22:11,870 --> 00:22:15,530
You have no idea what it's like to be
without liquor.
373
00:22:16,250 --> 00:22:17,430
What? Hello?
374
00:22:18,770 --> 00:22:23,129
How drunk have you been for the past two
months that you don't know that I know
375
00:22:23,130 --> 00:22:25,590
exactly what it is to be without liquor?
376
00:22:27,230 --> 00:22:31,589
Too many turns in that question,
darling. Okay, what I'm trying to say
377
00:22:31,590 --> 00:22:34,410
Mommy, don't you think that I would like
a drink?
378
00:22:35,130 --> 00:22:40,419
Oh, darling, why didn't you say... Say
so, darling. Go and pour yourself a
379
00:22:40,420 --> 00:22:43,579
of wine, darling, and while you're at
it, give me one, too, under the pillow
380
00:22:43,580 --> 00:22:46,540
there, darling. Okay, okay, Mummy, but
not a full glass.
381
00:22:46,820 --> 00:22:48,260
Pillow, darling. Half a glass.
382
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:50,380
A spot, even.
383
00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:51,710
All right.
384
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:52,850
Come on, darling.
385
00:22:54,660 --> 00:22:56,040
Come on, I love you, darling.
386
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:57,730
Hurry up, darling.
387
00:22:58,640 --> 00:22:59,690
Darling!
388
00:22:59,940 --> 00:23:01,540
Don't take all fucking day.
389
00:23:09,421 --> 00:23:16,429
Hello. Uh, listen, Chad, I'd really like
to talk to you about something.
390
00:23:16,430 --> 00:23:23,169
Um, I have a friend, and, uh, well,
let's say he, uh, experimented with
391
00:23:23,170 --> 00:23:27,170
something new, and I think he liked it
more than he's willing to admit.
392
00:23:27,910 --> 00:23:32,710
Really? Do tell. Yeah, and I really
believe he's gonna do it again.
393
00:23:32,991 --> 00:23:35,949
Chad, you're pissing on my foot.
394
00:23:35,950 --> 00:23:36,999
Oh, God.
395
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,050
I'm sorry.
396
00:23:38,620 --> 00:23:42,240
It's just that I've dreamed of this day
for so long.
397
00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:45,420
Of course, we weren't in a bathroom in
Los Angeles.
398
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,060
We were in Paris, in a bathroom at the
Louvre.
399
00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:55,240
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, dee, no,
dee, no. I'm not talking, I'm not gay.
400
00:23:55,340 --> 00:23:56,540
I'm talking about Billy.
401
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:58,330
Billy's gay?
402
00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:01,100
Oh, my God, I can't believe that.
403
00:24:01,660 --> 00:24:03,860
Whoa, talk about overcompensating.
404
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:05,940
He must really feel stupid.
405
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:07,290
Billy's not gay.
406
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:08,490
She slipped.
407
00:24:09,460 --> 00:24:10,510
She took acid.
408
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:12,450
Oh, my God.
409
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:13,730
Oh, no.
410
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:19,219
Oh, God, this is terrible. This is
really terrible. I know, so, you know,
411
00:24:19,220 --> 00:24:20,270
are we going to do?
412
00:24:20,271 --> 00:24:24,079
We got to talk to her. We just got to be
there for her. I tried that. I've been
413
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:27,099
talking to her. She's in total denial.
I'm worried she's going to stop coming
414
00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:27,929
the meetings.
415
00:24:27,930 --> 00:24:29,490
Well, then we got to pray for her.
416
00:24:30,690 --> 00:24:31,740
What, in here?
417
00:24:32,090 --> 00:24:33,770
God answered prayers everywhere.
418
00:24:34,330 --> 00:24:37,400
Just a few seconds ago, I thought he was
answering one of mine.
419
00:24:41,910 --> 00:24:48,229
And so I've always had this horrible
fear, stupid though it may be, that I
420
00:24:48,230 --> 00:24:51,530
people, and that they're not really
there for me emotionally.
421
00:24:52,790 --> 00:24:53,840
Oh,
422
00:24:55,030 --> 00:24:56,080
time's up.
423
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,440
Thank you, Naomi, for another
scintillating share.
424
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:00,930
Thanks, really.
425
00:25:01,580 --> 00:25:04,920
Okay, now, who else would like to share?
426
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,160
Anyone. Anyone at all.
427
00:25:10,860 --> 00:25:13,760
Billy, come up here and share.
428
00:25:15,020 --> 00:25:17,900
Oh, well, actually, I'd like to hear
more from Naomi.
429
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,900
You know, her roofie story is second to
none. Thank you.
430
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:25,760
Well, one night I was down in the
marina. Naomi, you have been dinged.
431
00:25:28,340 --> 00:25:29,760
Philly, you have the floor.
432
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:37,050
Well, you know, a funny thing happened
on the way to the podium.
433
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:43,159
I was at a Grateful Dead concert, and
not a fan, so I yawned, and all of a
434
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:48,360
sudden, this great gust of freak wind...
Oh, fuck it. You know what?
435
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:54,440
I slipped, okay, on acid, two days
before I got my chip.
436
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,279
But, you know, I mean, this is not my
fault. This is all your fault, because
437
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:03,099
nowhere in this program book, which I
have skimmed thoroughly, is there any
438
00:26:03,100 --> 00:26:06,580
mention of acid. Uh, page 572.
439
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:12,740
Well, it should be closer to the front,
because, you see, acid starts with A.
440
00:26:13,380 --> 00:26:16,520
My bae, don't you drunks know about
alphabetical order?
441
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:19,890
Okay.
442
00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:24,280
The reason I came here was... Here's
your tip.
443
00:26:26,090 --> 00:26:29,340
I didn't realize how much it meant to me
until I had to give it back.
444
00:26:33,670 --> 00:26:38,310
I have not been this relieved since I
found out KY was okay.
445
00:26:40,530 --> 00:26:41,580
Yeah.
446
00:26:44,990 --> 00:26:46,040
Surprise. Okay.
447
00:26:47,130 --> 00:26:48,570
Ran home to put up your banner.
448
00:26:48,810 --> 00:26:52,090
Okay. Thank you. You are so sweet.
449
00:26:53,290 --> 00:26:54,340
Hey.
450
00:26:56,519 --> 00:26:58,240
There's coffee grounds on it.
451
00:26:59,380 --> 00:27:01,060
Has my banner been in the garbage?
452
00:27:01,061 --> 00:27:01,979
A little bit.
453
00:27:01,980 --> 00:27:03,030
Yeah.
454
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:07,779
By the way, I loved your speech. Really.
Especially the part where you called us
455
00:27:07,780 --> 00:27:09,890
all drunks and you blamed us for your
slip.
456
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,050
Ah, yeah.
457
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:12,960
Thought of all that right on the spot.
458
00:27:14,500 --> 00:27:18,260
Dave, this is so sweet, really. I don't
deserve this.
459
00:27:19,140 --> 00:27:20,980
No, you don't. But you can try.
460
00:27:21,780 --> 00:27:22,830
Hmm. Hmm?
461
00:27:24,650 --> 00:27:31,350
I can try by thinking of some creative
thinking postures,
462
00:27:31,370 --> 00:27:37,210
right? But again, now that I'm a
newcomer again, we can't have sex,
463
00:27:39,130 --> 00:27:40,180
Fuck that.
464
00:27:40,350 --> 00:27:41,690
Woo! Yeah.
465
00:27:43,230 --> 00:27:44,490
Baby doll!
466
00:27:44,540 --> 00:27:49,090
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