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No matter where I go, somebody's got to
see. I got to see the basics. I don't
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know any way.
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Where will I find someone who
understands from where others rise?
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Oh,
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my God.
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I'm hot.
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You're hot.
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Last night I masturbated to a PBS
special on the mating habits of bees.
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00:01:04,209 --> 00:01:08,169
Okay, you know what that means, don't
you? You don't have table? I need to get
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laid. I haven't gotten laid since I
stopped drinking.
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I mean, if I don't get laid soon, my
clitoris is going to leave my body, put
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a pair of spiked heels, and start waving
down cars.
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Wow, you have a very assertive clitoris.
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And when it gets out of line, I have to
smack it. Oh, yeah.
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Well, seriously, though.
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I mean, I have been sober for 30 days.
Technically, not a newcomer anymore.
17
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,450
I mean, why shouldn't I be able to get
laid?
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00:01:35,451 --> 00:01:36,459
Hey, I'd do you.
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Yeah, well, and I'd take you up on it if
you had a penis attached to your body
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00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:43,840
as opposed to your fake penis
collection, which I've seen too many
21
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:46,990
I have the best dildo collection in all
of West Hollywood.
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00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,960
Well, that's saying something.
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00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:53,719
I'm getting my act together, and I'm
taking it on the road. Ooh, my new
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therapist put me on lithium.
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Where is it? Librium. I can never tell.
All I know is it begins with L.
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It ends with M.
27
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:01,730
Oh, yeah.
28
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,380
So why are you taking it?
29
00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:05,140
My therapist told me to.
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I think I scared her, you know?
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She came out and caught me smoking.
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So what's wrong with that?
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I was on the ledge.
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But I'm much better now.
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More alert.
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00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,260
When I can stay awake.
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00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:23,120
If I don't get laid soon, I'm going to
jump off the ledge and onto somebody.
38
00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:28,259
Oh, so that's how you landed all those
guys. You landed on them. Well, that's a
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00:02:28,260 --> 00:02:29,560
fabulous spiel.
40
00:02:29,980 --> 00:02:32,040
I start talking about my oral fixation.
41
00:02:32,041 --> 00:02:36,019
Show them that I could do the split. Do
you want to see? No. And then move on to
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the fact that I had had sex with a
woman. Oh, that I want to see. A baby. I
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to be in like Flynn. Oh, I wish I could
use some of that, except, of course, for
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the sleeping with women part, because
other lesbians would just be like, oh.
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00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:50,759
Well, and that's one of the many reasons
I'm not a lesbian. My best material
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00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:51,779
would be wasted.
47
00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:54,070
Well, of course that spiel would work on
Dave.
48
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,420
Hello works on Dave.
49
00:02:56,660 --> 00:03:00,120
No. I can't have sex with Dave. I mean,
I like him.
50
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,610
And what's worse, he likes me back.
Yeah, it's a no -win situation.
51
00:03:03,860 --> 00:03:08,120
I mean, this would have been so solved
if I just fucked him right away. I mean,
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00:03:08,140 --> 00:03:10,260
that is why God made margaritas.
53
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,090
Settle, people.
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00:03:17,899 --> 00:03:19,940
People, people, that's who.
55
00:03:21,460 --> 00:03:27,080
Now, who would like to take a chip for
30 days?
56
00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:34,960
I have been waiting for this moment for,
well, a month.
57
00:03:35,740 --> 00:03:40,060
Nothing could please me more, really,
except perhaps getting a new liver. Ooh,
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00:03:40,140 --> 00:03:44,499
which reminds me, put that donor dot on
your driver's license and drive like the
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00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:48,440
wind. You know I love you all, but...
Waste not, want not. Hello.
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00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:50,560
Oh, sorry, madame.
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00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:57,519
All right, so, without further ado, and
a chip on her shoulder, here
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00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,420
is our Billy F.
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00:04:00,260 --> 00:04:02,160
Billy! Billy!
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00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:04,140
Billy! Billy!
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00:04:04,460 --> 00:04:05,510
Billy!
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00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,280
Oh, I just want to thank the Academy.
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00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,400
I always wanted to do that.
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00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:16,070
Anyway, seriously, folks, my name's
Billy, and I'm an alcoholic.
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00:04:16,071 --> 00:04:20,949
And, you know, you guys have really
stuck by me, never letting me out of
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00:04:20,950 --> 00:04:24,560
sight and making sure I don't drink no
matter what. And I just want to say,
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00:04:24,590 --> 00:04:25,730
leave me the fuck alone.
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00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:27,990
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
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Seriously, thank you.
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00:04:30,010 --> 00:04:35,369
I'm so proud of her. She's gotten a
chip, a coffee commitment, and tonight
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00:04:35,370 --> 00:04:37,050
going to be here manning the phone.
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00:04:37,790 --> 00:04:39,070
They grow up so fast.
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00:04:39,810 --> 00:04:42,820
Yeah, your little girl's all grown up
and ready to be kissed.
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00:04:43,310 --> 00:04:44,360
Everywhere.
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00:04:44,361 --> 00:04:48,359
You just keep your lips off her. I don't
want to hear about any groping going on
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00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,899
while you guys are answering the phones
tonight. Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, the
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00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:54,259
phone will ring. I'll reach for the
receiver. I'll pick up her tit instead.
82
00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:57,960
You know, Dave, I don't know how you
heterosexuals do your business, and
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00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,200
I don't want to know.
84
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:01,160
Just leave her out of it.
85
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:02,970
Excuse me, Chad.
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00:05:02,971 --> 00:05:06,639
I've been a dedicated member of this
program for almost a year, and for you
87
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,519
suggest that I would do anything to
screw up my phone commitment is really
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00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:10,570
insulting, okay?
89
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,060
And nail her in the parking lot.
90
00:05:18,380 --> 00:05:19,520
You look pretty happy.
91
00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:20,790
Of course I'm happy.
92
00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:25,379
A dear friend of mine just got her 30
-day chip, which is a fabulous,
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00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:27,780
achievement. And now you think you can
fuck her.
94
00:05:27,781 --> 00:05:29,359
There is that.
95
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:32,800
So I guess you're feeling pretty
excited. Oh, yeah. Maybe a little
96
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,250
Anxious about what?
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00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:39,459
Oh, come on. You've been talking and
talking about how incredible you are.
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00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:42,199
got to think you're the world's greatest
lover. No, no, I didn't say I was the
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00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:43,920
greatest. I think I was okay.
100
00:05:44,220 --> 00:05:48,219
Okay. Okay, you said that you drive
women insane with pleasure, that they
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00:05:48,220 --> 00:05:50,630
to be institutionalized. That's an
expression.
102
00:05:51,020 --> 00:05:54,999
Oh, well, I just wanted to wish you
luck, because I understand that can
103
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,930
lot of pressure on what I can do to a
man.
104
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,810
Hey, you're freaking me out, okay? I
have done this before, really.
105
00:06:00,811 --> 00:06:06,899
What are women like again? You're gonna
be fine, because Billy's not gonna fuck
106
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:07,819
you anyway.
107
00:06:07,820 --> 00:06:10,140
What? No, the moment's passed. Look!
108
00:06:10,141 --> 00:06:13,619
There it goes. Wait, there was a moment?
Yep. And it passed? Yep. I waited so
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00:06:13,620 --> 00:06:16,210
long for it to come. It was supposed to
last all night.
110
00:06:16,211 --> 00:06:19,359
You knew that Billy wasn't going to fuck
me. If you knew that Billy wasn't going
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00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,759
to fuck me, why the fuck are you fucking
with me? Someone had to fuck you.
112
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,840
And this was the only way I could think
of.
113
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:27,790
Darling, darling, open up. It's an
emergency.
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00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:31,030
Darling.
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00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,240
Oh, thank God you're home.
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00:06:35,810 --> 00:06:40,729
I didn't know who to turn to. Oh, great.
Just when I need a drink, you've gone
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00:06:40,730 --> 00:06:42,050
on the wagon. Mother, what?
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00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:43,460
Is it? Is everything okay?
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00:06:43,740 --> 00:06:48,199
No, darling, everything is terrible.
I've got to have sex tonight with your
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00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,360
father. Oh, God.
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00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:53,290
Mom, remember I gave you a list of
topics that are, oh, inappropriate?
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00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,600
Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I lost it.
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00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,940
Well, there was only one thing on the
list, your sex life.
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00:06:59,180 --> 00:07:03,359
Look, I don't understand why you can't
be here for me. I've given you plenty of
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00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:04,379
sex advice.
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00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:07,839
Yes, always be on top because your
breasts look better is not exactly the
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00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,869
of sexual advice a mother gives a
daughter.
128
00:07:09,870 --> 00:07:12,530
And yet it is so true, isn't it,
darling?
129
00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:15,630
What am I going to do about your father?
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00:07:16,110 --> 00:07:20,289
He's sitting on the bed wearing nothing
but a nipple clamp. He always wants to
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00:07:20,290 --> 00:07:22,510
try new things. Oh, so tiring.
132
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,470
How did you get out of the house?
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Well, you must know, he's not just
sitting on the bed. He's handcuffed.
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00:07:31,570 --> 00:07:32,620
Mum.
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00:07:32,621 --> 00:07:35,839
I don't know how you and Daddy have your
sex life worked out, but... Oh,
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00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:40,979
darling, by a team of lawyers and
therapists. Look, the contract says once
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00:07:40,980 --> 00:07:42,520
month. I've got to renegotiate.
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00:07:42,521 --> 00:07:46,159
Well, Mum, what can I say? I mean, the
contract's the contract, right?
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00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,839
I guess you just have to get your butt
back there and close your eyes and think
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00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:50,890
of England.
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00:07:51,060 --> 00:07:53,520
Oh, well, darling, I'll go and freshen
up.
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00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,520
Do you have any feminine hygiene spray?
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00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:03,090
Hello? I had to dial the phone with my
dick. Where the fuck are you? I'm
144
00:08:03,230 --> 00:08:06,290
darling. Well, I'm not. I'm getting
gangrene in my nipples.
145
00:08:06,291 --> 00:08:09,549
Look, if you're not home in ten minutes,
I'm going to sue you for breach of
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00:08:09,550 --> 00:08:12,310
contract. Sorry, darling. Not hearing
you.
147
00:08:13,030 --> 00:08:15,270
Going through the canyon, darling.
148
00:08:16,350 --> 00:08:17,400
Trudy!
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00:08:18,070 --> 00:08:19,120
Trudy!
150
00:08:19,390 --> 00:08:20,440
Hey.
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00:08:22,590 --> 00:08:23,640
Hey.
152
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,260
Okay, um, about us.
153
00:08:30,820 --> 00:08:33,280
It's possible that I may have led you
on.
154
00:08:33,281 --> 00:08:35,499
Like the time that you begged me to fuck
you?
155
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:36,820
Okay, so you have examples.
156
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:41,960
But the point is, I just think it would
be best if we remained friends.
157
00:08:42,220 --> 00:08:44,390
Sure. Yeah, I wouldn't have it any other
way.
158
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:46,199
You wouldn't?
159
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,250
No.
160
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:50,640
Any other way? I mean, because there's a
lot of other ways.
161
00:08:50,641 --> 00:08:53,759
Didn't you just say I looked hot?
162
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,890
I was talking about your sweater. You
know, 90 degrees outside.
163
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,580
Well, I knew that, Mr. Weatherman.
164
00:08:58,820 --> 00:09:00,560
And sadly for you, it's a dry heat.
165
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:02,610
Oh, hello.
166
00:09:03,140 --> 00:09:05,140
Hello. Lovely to see you again.
167
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,410
Lovely to see you.
168
00:09:06,660 --> 00:09:07,710
Lovely to be seen.
169
00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:09,980
Can I buy you a car?
170
00:09:10,380 --> 00:09:11,430
Mom?
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00:09:12,020 --> 00:09:14,560
It's all right, darling. I was trans
-taked.
172
00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:16,600
You need to be fixed.
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00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:20,290
Come on, let's go. If you're serious
about the car, I'd like a Porsche.
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00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,610
Dave!
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00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:24,550
Honda.
176
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:32,659
Hello. It's right there. On page four,
section ten. The first party will not
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00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:35,310
leave the second party in embarrassing
situations.
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00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:40,280
If you think this is embarrassing,
darling, just wait until I get home.
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00:09:41,460 --> 00:09:42,510
Oh.
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00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,050
Oh.
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00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,210
Trudy?
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00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,500
I love you, too.
183
00:09:55,230 --> 00:09:56,570
Your phone's ringing.
184
00:09:58,490 --> 00:09:59,610
Oh, so's mine.
185
00:10:02,130 --> 00:10:04,600
Hello, Addictions Anonymous. How may I
help you?
186
00:10:06,570 --> 00:10:09,310
Do I sound as if I have great big
titties?
187
00:10:10,430 --> 00:10:11,480
I do?
188
00:10:11,770 --> 00:10:12,820
Oh, God.
189
00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:15,820
Never should have taken those steroids
back in the 80s.
190
00:10:16,110 --> 00:10:18,640
Look, stop calling or I'm going to call
the police.
191
00:10:19,170 --> 00:10:20,530
Hello? Hello?
192
00:10:23,210 --> 00:10:24,260
Well, hello, Trio.
193
00:10:25,270 --> 00:10:27,290
Hey, I know that guy.
194
00:10:27,590 --> 00:10:29,570
Oh, have you met Boyd, my new boyfriend?
195
00:10:31,570 --> 00:10:32,850
No, no, no, no, no.
196
00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:34,300
Stay away.
197
00:10:35,510 --> 00:10:36,870
I don't talk to friends.
198
00:10:37,410 --> 00:10:39,470
Look, I'm really, really sorry.
199
00:10:39,471 --> 00:10:42,749
I poured coffee on him at a meeting
because I thought he was making
200
00:10:42,750 --> 00:10:43,800
hand gestures.
201
00:10:43,990 --> 00:10:47,050
Stop trying to scare him.
202
00:10:48,630 --> 00:10:50,010
I'm going to call the police.
203
00:10:51,770 --> 00:10:53,570
Oh, there, there.
204
00:10:54,390 --> 00:10:55,590
He's very emotional.
205
00:10:55,641 --> 00:10:57,709
It's all right.
206
00:10:57,710 --> 00:10:58,760
It's okay.
207
00:11:00,170 --> 00:11:01,220
Guys?
208
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,610
Guys? Gay guys!
209
00:11:04,050 --> 00:11:06,730
Can you take it outside?
210
00:11:07,550 --> 00:11:13,549
You know, Dave, let me point out that
Boyd, unlike Billy, has two years of
211
00:11:13,550 --> 00:11:16,910
sobriety under his belt and a remarkably
firm mouth.
212
00:11:17,290 --> 00:11:18,910
What are you trying to say, Chad?
213
00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:21,050
I'm just saying the kid is a great out.
214
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:33,880
Well, I have now officially sweat a
bucket.
215
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,380
Found yourself lucky.
216
00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:39,100
Ever since my last O .D., no sweat at
all.
217
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,560
Oh, that can't be good for you, Jack.
218
00:11:41,820 --> 00:11:45,860
No, but I look fabulous at the gym. A
little exercise wouldn't hurt you.
219
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:47,210
Hey, I exercise.
220
00:11:47,211 --> 00:11:48,479
Oh, excuse me.
221
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,580
Wait, does masturbation count?
222
00:11:50,940 --> 00:11:53,900
If you do it while jogging. No, that I
wouldn't recommend.
223
00:11:54,260 --> 00:11:55,310
Oh. Ew.
224
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,760
One day my Walkman was broken. Oh.
225
00:11:58,870 --> 00:12:03,349
Hey. Sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so
sorry. I was aiming at him. See, the
226
00:12:03,350 --> 00:12:07,440
Librium throws off my Equilibrium versus
the Lithium throws off my Equilithium.
227
00:12:07,610 --> 00:12:10,440
Okay, don't worry. Don't worry. I was
almost a doctor once.
228
00:12:10,490 --> 00:12:13,980
Yeah, okay. You got to take off your
dress so I can examine your breasts.
229
00:12:14,010 --> 00:12:15,950
Take off your panties.
230
00:12:17,050 --> 00:12:18,670
I don't think the cut's that deep.
231
00:12:19,210 --> 00:12:21,010
Did you really go to medical school?
232
00:12:21,070 --> 00:12:24,370
Yeah, I sure did. I got the expulsion
notice to prove it.
233
00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:26,750
I'm missing an eye can do this place.
234
00:12:27,271 --> 00:12:29,179
Forget it.
235
00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:29,479
You
236
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:36,599
don't
237
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:37,759
know what to try. Are you lying?
238
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:41,059
No, I'm not a liar. What are you talking
about? I mean, it makes sense.
239
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:43,680
You got a little sadistic streak, don't
you?
240
00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:45,110
Yes. Thanks.
241
00:12:45,420 --> 00:12:46,820
First time anyone said it.
242
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:48,410
Little.
243
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:52,840
Okay, okay, okay. Come on. Give me your
arm. Here. Yeah?
244
00:12:53,180 --> 00:12:54,230
Yeah. I'm afraid.
245
00:12:54,380 --> 00:12:56,120
Oh, don't be a big baby. Come on.
246
00:12:56,430 --> 00:12:59,310
Ready? Close your eyes.
247
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:03,749
Okay, now concentrate on my finger and
tell me when it gets to your elbow.
248
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:04,709
Right. Okay?
249
00:13:04,710 --> 00:13:05,760
Yeah, sure.
250
00:13:09,390 --> 00:13:12,520
You could start this game lower. Oh,
you're not concentrating.
251
00:13:12,521 --> 00:13:14,289
Believe me, I'm concentrating.
252
00:13:14,290 --> 00:13:16,250
I'm just not on your finger. Okay.
253
00:13:16,450 --> 00:13:17,500
Ready? Yeah.
254
00:13:22,830 --> 00:13:28,429
No, I'm too thick. Oh! You know, it
makes me crazy. It's like a spider. I'm
255
00:13:28,430 --> 00:13:29,630
going to do it to you. Okay.
256
00:13:30,270 --> 00:13:31,750
But I am the Xbox.
257
00:13:32,030 --> 00:13:33,350
Yeah? Yeah. All right.
258
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,900
Definitely not my elbow.
259
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,820
I got news.
260
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:07,740
That's not my finger.
261
00:14:21,180 --> 00:14:26,160
Oh, my God.
262
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:32,220
How did you learn that?
263
00:14:32,380 --> 00:14:34,060
One -armed juggler from Kentucky.
264
00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:36,980
You should send him a thank you note.
265
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:42,860
That is definitely not my elbow.
266
00:14:43,220 --> 00:14:45,510
That's good because you'd have mushy
elbows.
267
00:14:46,140 --> 00:14:47,980
What do you mean mushy? For elbows.
268
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:51,280
Elbows are pointy.
269
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,450
If they were your elbows, it would be
great.
270
00:14:54,451 --> 00:14:58,759
It would be the greatest over... Oh,
shut up with the goddamn elbows.
271
00:14:58,760 --> 00:14:59,810
Ouch!
272
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:07,680
Oh, I meant to... Stay up there, just...
You need trouble forming the senses.
273
00:15:11,860 --> 00:15:18,440
One fish, two fish, one fish, two fish,
274
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:22,140
one fish... What if he wakes up?
275
00:15:22,740 --> 00:15:23,790
Bad.
276
00:15:24,060 --> 00:15:26,300
This is bad. This is so bad. We have to
get up.
277
00:15:26,580 --> 00:15:27,630
Okay.
278
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:32,330
You're not stopping.
279
00:15:32,331 --> 00:15:33,379
I'm not stopping.
280
00:15:33,380 --> 00:15:34,820
You can't stop a heart stroke.
281
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:40,260
Dave, I promised myself I wouldn't do
this. I mean, you're my best friend.
282
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,530
It is?
283
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:42,660
Oh, God. It is.
284
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:45,240
Huh? Neither.
285
00:15:48,540 --> 00:15:52,860
Don't worry about the friendship thing
because, you know, you're my best
286
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,510
Really? Yes. Yes.
287
00:15:54,511 --> 00:15:56,789
None of my other friends would let me do
this.
288
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:59,910
I didn't want to do this with anybody
else.
289
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:02,830
Especially not Joe with the one eye.
290
00:16:04,990 --> 00:16:07,670
What if Jackie wakes up, huh?
291
00:16:08,230 --> 00:16:10,460
She makes me go past the point I know
it's her.
292
00:16:27,810 --> 00:16:32,949
Well, it would be better for her to find
us an office as opposed to on the
293
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,000
floor.
294
00:16:34,550 --> 00:16:35,600
It's better.
295
00:16:35,710 --> 00:16:36,760
How do you know?
296
00:16:37,190 --> 00:16:38,630
I've been in both situations.
297
00:16:42,890 --> 00:16:46,490
God. Okay, listen, I've got to get that.
Yeah, but I have to get this.
298
00:16:47,430 --> 00:16:52,829
I think my
299
00:16:52,830 --> 00:16:57,210
penis is far enough, which is not good
because all my blood is in it.
300
00:17:00,170 --> 00:17:01,310
Can I help you?
301
00:17:01,690 --> 00:17:03,710
Yeah, hi. I saw your ad on TV.
302
00:17:05,670 --> 00:17:08,589
Oh. You okay? Yeah, I just... I have
asthma.
303
00:17:09,270 --> 00:17:11,410
Uh -huh. And they make you answer the
phone.
304
00:17:11,970 --> 00:17:13,410
Yes. No.
305
00:17:14,069 --> 00:17:16,479
Look, make up your mind. I got a
drinking problem.
306
00:17:18,349 --> 00:17:21,569
Stop it. If I could stop, I wouldn't be
calling you.
307
00:17:21,930 --> 00:17:23,990
No, I didn't mean for you to stop.
308
00:17:24,190 --> 00:17:25,650
I don't have to stop.
309
00:17:26,050 --> 00:17:27,100
Yes.
310
00:17:27,530 --> 00:17:28,580
Yes.
311
00:17:31,790 --> 00:17:34,390
Did you see the public service
announcement on TV?
312
00:17:34,391 --> 00:17:37,289
Yeah, it came on right after this phone
sex commercial.
313
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:38,309
Oh, God.
314
00:17:38,310 --> 00:17:39,229
Right there.
315
00:17:39,230 --> 00:17:40,280
Yeah, right there.
316
00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:42,130
I got to admit, I called them first.
317
00:17:42,131 --> 00:17:46,889
Actually, when you answered, I thought
maybe I'd hit redial. I told you I have
318
00:17:46,890 --> 00:17:48,210
asthma. Uh -huh.
319
00:17:48,470 --> 00:17:51,110
And what does the guy have whose penis
fell off?
320
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:54,769
Well, it's a funny story to tell at
parties. You know, like, well, let me
321
00:17:54,770 --> 00:17:55,820
you about my penis.
322
00:17:56,230 --> 00:17:57,850
Let me tell you about my penis.
323
00:17:58,190 --> 00:17:59,510
Oh, no, please don't.
324
00:17:59,511 --> 00:18:00,649
Too hard?
325
00:18:00,650 --> 00:18:01,700
Oh, God, no.
326
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,970
God, this is better than the phone sex
line.
327
00:18:04,971 --> 00:18:08,599
And you guys don't even charge, do you?
Look, can I help you with something? Do
328
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,980
you have a question, or... Yeah, uh...
How big are you, Teddy?
329
00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:14,340
As big as my head.
330
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,540
It was the best sex I never wanted to
have.
331
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,300
God, that thing you do with your tongue.
332
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,180
You could teach a course.
333
00:18:45,540 --> 00:18:46,590
That thing?
334
00:18:46,660 --> 00:18:47,710
Yes, that.
335
00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:49,800
Although not there.
336
00:18:51,180 --> 00:18:58,119
I don't
337
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,100
even feel uncomfortable at all, do you?
338
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,690
I feel...
339
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:05,270
Relieved.
340
00:19:05,540 --> 00:19:06,590
And proud.
341
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,060
And a little chafed.
342
00:19:10,380 --> 00:19:14,539
Is that what you mean by uncomfortable?
Because I didn't feel uncomfortable
343
00:19:14,540 --> 00:19:18,139
until you asked me, but now that you
asked me, it makes me think that you
344
00:19:18,140 --> 00:19:21,750
uncomfortable, which is a shame, because
you look really comfortable.
345
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,179
I knew we should have done this in a
bed, you know. I mean, I'm not my best
346
00:19:26,180 --> 00:19:29,599
linoleum. If we had a piece of
carpeting, even a throw rug would have
347
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,420
great. I was just talking about...
348
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:35,300
The whole friends having sex thing.
349
00:19:35,301 --> 00:19:37,099
Oh, that.
350
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:38,150
My God.
351
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:44,499
Listen, if it makes you feel any better,
I never liked you that much to begin
352
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:45,550
with. Ditto.
353
00:19:45,551 --> 00:19:49,219
Which is good, because then, you know,
neither one of us will think we had sex
354
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:51,300
because we liked each other.
355
00:19:51,580 --> 00:19:55,879
Right. No, of course not. I mean, our
genitals like each other. Right. Yeah.
356
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:56,930
Right. That's it.
357
00:19:57,700 --> 00:20:00,710
And, you know, I'm going to have sex
with other people still.
358
00:20:01,260 --> 00:20:02,340
I better beat you to it.
359
00:20:05,010 --> 00:20:11,050
Well, I'm glad to know that we didn't
ruin our mild friendship.
360
00:20:11,930 --> 00:20:13,430
We're acquaintances, really.
361
00:20:14,070 --> 00:20:15,790
Neighbor sums it up for me.
362
00:20:15,791 --> 00:20:16,549
Yeah, exactly.
363
00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:20,730
We just... Had sex. Had sex. Yeah, and
it's not like we're in a relationship.
364
00:20:21,410 --> 00:20:23,870
Relationship? What the hell is that? No.
365
00:20:25,050 --> 00:20:26,100
Absolutely not.
366
00:20:26,310 --> 00:20:27,360
Oh.
367
00:20:27,361 --> 00:20:30,899
And the only problem is that we live in
the same building.
368
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:35,639
And if something went horribly wrong or
if I got tired of you, then one of us
369
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,650
would have to move out. And, of course,
by one of us, I mean you.
370
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:42,010
You're not going to get tired of me.
You're just going to get tired.
371
00:20:42,180 --> 00:20:43,230
Good.
372
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,110
Because Dave can't move. We've got a
lease.
373
00:20:46,460 --> 00:20:48,260
Lucky. How long have you been awake?
374
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:49,780
A while.
375
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:53,150
I was very interested in that thing you
do with your tongue.
376
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:54,720
I even took notes.
377
00:20:55,060 --> 00:20:56,560
Can I get a copy of those notes?
378
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:58,250
Oh, God.
379
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:02,340
That is some asthma you got. I'm going
to give this number to all my friends.
380
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:06,620
Please don't. And believe me, sex always
ruins a friendship.
381
00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,880
Why do you think I call 1 -900 great big
titties?
382
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,280
That's a long number.
383
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:12,530
It's in Bangkok.
384
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,520
You're a sicko. Yeah? At least I still
got a penis.
385
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,480
Nope. This is a disaster.
386
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,060
Look on the bright side.
387
00:21:26,061 --> 00:21:30,059
We've gotten 50 calls in the last half
hour. That's got to be a record. People
388
00:21:30,060 --> 00:21:31,500
think it's a phone sex line.
389
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,619
What are you so upset about? Because
we're trying to get people off alcohol,
390
00:21:35,620 --> 00:21:36,670
get them off.
391
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,140
Addictions Anonymous.
392
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:41,520
No, Asthma Girl is dead.
393
00:21:41,521 --> 00:21:42,499
Thank you.
394
00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:45,919
Well, congratulations, you guys. You
guys have discovered a new source of
395
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:50,779
revenue for Addictions Anonymous. For
$1, folks, just $1, you can call in and
396
00:21:50,780 --> 00:21:55,280
hear the adventures of Asthma Girl and
her sidekick, Detachable Penisful.
397
00:21:57,699 --> 00:22:00,769
Yes, contrary to popular belief, my
penis is still attached.
398
00:22:02,340 --> 00:22:03,390
I'm sorry, lady.
399
00:22:03,540 --> 00:22:05,830
I'm sorry. Do you have a problem with
alcohol?
400
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,600
Don't hang up, please. Oh, my God.
401
00:22:07,740 --> 00:22:11,530
You know that we have ruined the name of
Addictions Anonymous, Asthma Girl.
402
00:22:11,900 --> 00:22:13,480
Who gave me asthma, penis boy?
403
00:22:13,481 --> 00:22:15,699
Who left the phone off the hook,
neighbor?
404
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:16,980
Hello, accident.
405
00:22:16,981 --> 00:22:19,679
Calm down, guys. Why? Because we have a
fleet.
406
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:23,339
I mean, this program, okay, is the one
thing that I've done right in my entire
407
00:22:23,340 --> 00:22:26,319
life. You know, I got thrown out of the
Boy Scouts for taking a piss on the
408
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,019
Scoutmaster. And I got thrown out of the
Little League because the only home
409
00:22:29,020 --> 00:22:30,639
runs I ever hit were with the coach's
wife.
410
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:34,279
And then I got thrown out of medical
school because I dissected a cadaver.
411
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,879
Isn't that what you're supposed to do in
medical school?
412
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,560
Yeah, not naked in the cafeteria. No,
no.
413
00:22:39,561 --> 00:22:42,959
And then I find one place, one place
that they cannot kick you out of. They
414
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,310
can't kick you out. What do I do? I mess
it up. Why?
415
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:46,660
Because, because...
416
00:22:47,940 --> 00:22:49,120
Because you seduced me.
417
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:50,690
What?
418
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:54,760
How can you stand there with that face
on your head and say that to me?
419
00:22:54,960 --> 00:23:00,159
I did not seduce you. You seduced me,
right? Give me a break, please. Who
420
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,799
started with the arm tickling? Who
started with the boob tickling? Who
421
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:03,499
the boobs?
422
00:23:03,500 --> 00:23:04,860
Like, I just threw these on.
423
00:23:04,861 --> 00:23:07,959
What about the shoes? The shoes that you
must have bought at the Dave Please
424
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:08,879
Fuck Me store?
425
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,990
All right, you guys, time out here,
okay?
426
00:23:10,991 --> 00:23:14,679
Because you both are to blame, right?
Dave, what did you say to me the other
427
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:19,599
night? Okay, what you said was that when
she got her 30 -day chip, you were
428
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,550
going to come knocking on her door with
what? Your dick. Oh!
429
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:28,319
I said, of course, the word secret was
also in the sentence. And you. And you
430
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,560
with your clitoris waving down cars.
431
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,450
Oh, all right. All right, all right, all
right. Enough.
432
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,330
You know what? I knew I shouldn't have
done this.
433
00:23:36,331 --> 00:23:39,679
I mean, I had it all worked out, but
unfortunately, my crotch listened to
434
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,999
hand instead of my head, so... Well,
see, that's funny, because my hand was
435
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:46,479
listening to your tits. Yeah, but my
titties were listening to your tongue.
436
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,180
My tits listen to the indigo girls.
437
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:50,780
Dave, I'm not ready for this.
438
00:23:50,781 --> 00:23:54,379
I mean, parts of me are, but those are
the parts that would get me into
439
00:23:54,380 --> 00:23:57,419
which is odd, because they outnumber all
my other parts. I mean, my knee, for
440
00:23:57,420 --> 00:23:58,920
example, is very well behaved.
441
00:23:58,921 --> 00:24:02,879
Sadly, though, I have to put my elbows
on the troublemaker list. I will never
442
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,540
listen to my elbows again. Look.
443
00:24:06,250 --> 00:24:08,430
Could we please just put this behind us?
444
00:24:08,650 --> 00:24:10,570
I don't know. Can you trust your behind?
445
00:24:10,730 --> 00:24:11,780
Not from what I saw.
446
00:24:12,650 --> 00:24:16,949
Okay, I'll admit, my behind was as
guilty as your behind, and my front
447
00:24:16,950 --> 00:24:18,590
tongue lashing. Oh, yeah.
448
00:24:18,870 --> 00:24:21,970
You know what I mean. So, okay, we'll
put it behind it.
449
00:24:21,971 --> 00:24:25,749
Yeah, we'll pretend it never happened,
and we'll just go back to being
450
00:24:25,750 --> 00:24:28,710
neighbors. Deal? Deal.
451
00:24:45,461 --> 00:24:47,289
Hey, neighbor.
452
00:24:47,290 --> 00:24:49,690
Hey. I need to borrow some sugar.
453
00:24:49,691 --> 00:24:51,299
Oh, okay.
454
00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:55,850
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