All language subtitles for Rude Awakening s01e04 Filling the Wrong Hole

It was a rude awakening to start up the
longest day.

It was a rude awakening and now I've got
to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to
see. I've got to see the basics, I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone to understand?

And from where will this ride ever let
me land?

starving. Get your own.

Those are my own.

See, I don't know if you've noticed, but
this is Dave's apartment.

That was Dave's food all over Dave's
furniture.

I get your point.

Could you pass me Dave's soda?

Hey, are you guys ready?

Yeah.

This is my going to prison outfit for
Saturday.

Picture, if you will, me going through
security, being patted down.

Watch her hands.

So, what do you guys think?

I think that outfit walks the fine line
between... and a prison riot.

You know, maybe I should change into
something sexier. That way I could cause

riot and maybe Sue could escape.

That's a lot to demand from a polyester
blend.

Well, that's a good idea.

Hey, got any more of those waffles?

I think you gotta ease up on the eating
just a little bit. Well, why? Are you

running out of food?

Sadly, yes.

Look, Billy, sometimes when you quit one
addiction, you substitute it with

another. See?

And you would know all about that, Mr.
Six -Fucking -Meetings, a day.

True. But I still have my figure.

And I still have my finger.

Actually, both of them.

Remember that place you used to go?

Called your apartment.

Don't you miss it? Wasn't it great? Not
really.

As much fun as it is having you here,
and it is, your ass is wearing a groove

Dave's couch.

My ass likes Dave's couch.

Besides, I can't be alone. I hate
myself.

I mean, on the outside, people may think
I'm beautiful, but on the inside, I'm a

mess.

Newsflash. Not just from the inside.

I don't know what is happening to me. I
keep hearing this voice in my head

saying, you're a failure, you're a
loser, you're... Okay, repetitive.

See, you've just tuned in to K -Fuck.

Every alcoholic's favorite radio
station, where you fuck you.

Well, how do I turn it off?

You work the program.

You gotta get a sponsor.

Do I have to?

Wouldn't it be nice to whine to somebody
else, you know?

See, I'm in over my head with you. I am.
As much as I love you, it's like... I

mean, this is me drowning in you.

Tell me if this doesn't scream, Attica!

Attica!

Please, I'm wearing navy.

Oh, okay, darling.

It was so much fun spending the day with
you. Oh, darling, it was thrilling.

But did you have to come into the
dressing room with me?

I was lonely.

Darling, in order to have separation
anxiety, first you have to have

Anyway, I love everything I bought. I
mean, I feel so much better than I did

last night after Jackie and Dave kicked
me out. I can't imagine why they'd do

that. Did I buy this?

Well, the alarm didn't go off when we
left the store, so I guess you did.

Congratulations, darling. At least
you're not a thief.

You know, spending my rent money on
clothes, it was exciting.

Well, if you want a really big thrill,
why don't you stop your car payments and

buy the matching shoes?

I mean, it was a rush. It was
intoxicating and dangerous and... Oh,

Oh, darling.

So what are we going to do next, Mom?

Well, your father and I are going to
have dinner with the Goldbergs at the

Oh, great!

Great, let's see.

I could wear this.

It's not that your father and I wouldn't
love you to join us, darling, but you

know the Goldbergs never really liked
you.

Well, none of your friends really like
me.

That's not true, darling. Some of them
never met you.

You're not exactly tearing me up.

I am not Coco the Clown, darling.

I'm sure you can find something or
someone to do.

No, I can't, okay? That's the problem.
Without alcohol, I don't have a life.

Yeah, I mean, I used to go to the bar,
stay there till I got kicked out, and

wake up with whomever, and a hangover,
and feel like shit, and recuperate, and

then go right back to the bar again.

A full life, by anyone's standards.

Now all I do is go to these stupid
meetings where I listen to a bunch of

complain about their hideous lives, and
the worst part about it is it only takes

an hour.

I do see the problem, darling.

I must.

Dash or the girl bugs won't like me
either.

Antonia!

Why

did

I buy these?

You go -go booth. I'm not go -going
anywhere.

No, I was feeling anxious, so I started
shopping, which made me feel better. But

now I feel anxious because I don't have
any money.

What are you, Helen Keller?

You're actually scaring the customers
away from Dave's coffee shop, okay? No,

this is where Dave makes his money to
buy Dave's food, which you then eat.

I'm getting very concerned about you.
When are you going to get a sponsor?

When are you going to kiss my ass?

Well, I have a number of openings. I
could even move something. Why do I need

sponsor? Someone who barely knows me,
who pretends to care about my life?

I have my mother for that.

Please.

Okay, I will get somebody.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Billy.

I'm Elise.

I'm not gay.

Good. Well, I mean, I'm only saying that
because, you know, here I am walking up

to you asking you if you want to have
this intense personal relationship with

me, and it really feels like I'm asking
you out on a date. Yeah, it does.

Are you sure you're not gay? No, no, no,
no. I just want to know if you want to

be my sponsor.

Oh. Okay.

Great. Okay. Okay.

So let me ask you a question. Okay.

Um, I wake up in the middle of the
night, and I want a drink. What should I

Have one.

Have a drink?

I mean, aren't I supposed to totally
quit?

Well, that seems a little extreme to me.

Yeah, to me, too.

I mean, I suppose if you're concerned
about your health, you might just want

stick to beer and wine. Yeah.

Dave, Dave, come here.

What? I found a sponsor, a really good
sponsor. Oh, good for you. Elise.

Hey, hi.

You know, you actually have to get a
sponsor that's an alcoholic.

Elise, compulsive gambler.

Ten bucks says she's drunk by sunset.

You're on.

How's the sweater going for soup?

It's not a sweater.

It's a dildo, Cozy.

And I'm afraid I won't be able to finish
it by the time we go to the prison.

Well, how big is the dildo?

Not as big as my thigh, which seems to
be expanding as we speak. Can you see

this? Yes.

That is why you need a sponsor.

Why can't you be my sponsor?

I have a penis.

Yeah, yeah, we keep hearing about it,
but we never see it. I'm beginning to

doubt it.

It exists, all right, baby, and it is
scheduled to make an appearance in your

life in the very near future.

You make it sound like it's opening for
Lou Rawls.

A straight guy can't sponsor a straight
woman, okay? Those are the rules.

Well, I am sick of your rules and your
imaginary penis.

Okay, okay, we'll look for a sponsor.

You know, this is so high school.

Remember when you'd sit in the school
cafeteria scoping out guys?

Not really.

But what about Danielle?

She's sponsoring a bunch of people.
They're all doing great.

But how many people? I mean, I don't
want to sponsor slut.

Well, what about Harriet?

She's not sponsoring anybody.

Well, no wonder. Look at her.

Sorry, but a woman who doesn't
understand the cosmic importance of a

haircut and a tweezer is definitely not
on my spiritual wavelength.

Okay, well, what about Ricky? Because
she's shallow, too.

No, too pretty.

What do you mean, shallow, too?

What about a gay guy?

Aye, that's allowed. Okay, Ted's been
sober for years. He's a great sponsor.

Oh, great. Just what I need. Another
gorgeous guy who won't fuck me.

Oh, and he's a hugger, too.

Cocktail hour.

Just kidding. Meeting time.

Hi. Hi.

Hope nobody's hi.

Wish I was.

You're making this impossible, you know
that? I mean, you want someone who's

your own age, looks like you, same
outlook on life as you. You're basically

looking for you.

Basically. Yeah, because you've been so
good for you.

Hi, I'm Tracy, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi. Hi, Tracy.

And welcome to the Tuesday afternoon
sharing and caring meeting.

I love sharing and caring.

I'm an actress.

And when I was drinking, my friends
would go, Tracy, you've got to stop.

bad for your brain or your liver or
whatever.

But here's what they don't tell you.

It's bad for your complexion.

Finally, someone with some priorities.

Maybe she could be my sponsor.

Some of you.

might recognize me from my show that
tragically canceled, Emerald Bluff.

That was your show.

I played Diana Gateway.

I was Diana Gateway.

I didn't recognize you.

I was the second Diana Gateway.

No, that is impossible.

I was killed in a windsurfing accident.

No, you were lost at sea.

You washed up on the shore of a tropical
island where you were saved by a

handsome plastic surgeon who fixed your
face and brought you home looking much

more beautiful.

And oddly taller.

I can't believe it. It's true. I'm 5
'10". Well, I didn't watch the show

they fired me. You should have. It got a
lot better.

Oh, so good it got canceled?

I can't believe I was going to ask you
to be my sponsor.

Who wants to sponsor a has -been? Oh,
well, at least I am the original has

-been. I mean, you're like the second
Darren or the third Lassie.

Speaking of bitches.

Okay, okay, we're sharing, but we're not
caring.

Shut up! Listen,

bitch. I was a better Diana Gateway and
a way better drunk, and I could drink

you under the table any day.

I wouldn't be surprised with your body
weight.

Oh, nice.

That's nice. You think you can hurt me?
Well, you can't. You know why?

Because I couldn't feel any worse.

I am a big piece of poop.

And you know what? If you step in poop,
the poop doesn't get hurt. The poop is

fine, baby. The poop lives on.

But you smell like shit. And this is
poop touching you.

And you, because you never say hello to
me.

And your coffee sucks.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I just wanted to say that I love your
honesty and your nail polish.

Look, if you try to hug me, I'll slap
you.

Promises, promises.

Look, honey, I felt the same thing that
you have felt. And if you need a

sponsor, which you obviously do, I would
be honored.

You want to sponsor a big piece of poop?

Well, I'd rather sponsor Christian
Slater, and yet here you are.

Call me.

I can't wait to see Sue.

Oh, God.

What if she's not there?

What if she's serving a life sentence?

Where else would she be?

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Come on. I don't want to be late.

I have to allow time for the strip
service. My favorite part.

Don't worry. Sue is going to be thrilled
to see you.

Much as I'm certain the other ladies are
going to be too.

See me?

Oh, God.

I need a man.

I mean, it's been 12 years.

I need a man.

Look.

There's one.

And not just any man, the most handsome
man in the whole world.

Hi, ladies.

I'm Dave.

Got here as soon as I could.

He's mine.

No, no, no, partner.

He is mine.

Oh, no, no, no, no. He's mine.

Don't worry, ladies.

There's enough of me for both of you.

And all your friends.

Well, okay. As long as I get the top and
I'm not talking bunk.

That's fine.

I'll get his bottom. Oh, God.

Thank God for Dave. Three cheers for
Dave. Oh, David.

Oh, Dave. I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Dave.

Dave. Are you coming?

Not yet.

Right behind you.

Hey, Tab.

Ready to be fixed right now.

Want some ladyfingers?

Oh, you sure you can spare one? Oh,
actually, no.

These are so good.

You know, if you gain too much weight, I
won't be able to be your sponsor. Just

kidding. Kind of.

Same here. I mean, if you gain too much
weight or even wear clogs, I'd dump you.

Well, of course.

On a serious note, though, I have to
point out that this typical newcomer

behavior, you're filling the wrong hole.

I wish.

Look, really, there's no hole filling
going on unless I shove this ladyfinger

my crotch.

Well, as attractive as that sounds, may
I suggest an alternative?

Menfinger? I love it, but it's too fat.

You're so funny.

I'm talking about the hole in your soul.

How do I fill that?

By praying.

You mean, like, on my knees?

Well, you could stand on your hands, but
then how would you put the food in?

Yes, on your knees.

I'm a Jew, okay? We don't kneel, we
don't hunt, we don't give head unless we

jewelry. Besides, I don't believe in
God. I mean, would you after spending an

entire night making out with Patsy?

I see your point.

Did you have any religious training as a
child?

I went to temple once.

And I hate Germans.

Okay. Forget God.

You just need to find a higher power. It
could be anything.

I have this sponsee who prays to this
fabulous jacket. Of course, he always

nervous when the jacket goes to the
cleaners. So I could pray to this

ladyfinger. Well, yes, but I don't think
it's going to be around that long.

Look, Billy, you just need to find and
focus on a higher power that will fill

the emptiness inside you.

If I'm so empty inside, you'd think I'd
weigh less.

I'm so excited.

I got a sponsor in Addictions Anonymous.

Oh, what the hell is that?

Oh, yes, your little cult. Who used to
be in that?

Yes, Mother.

And my sponsor is this really nice gay
guy named Ted.

Oh, dear. A gay guy and you're putting
on weight. I see fag -hag in your

darling. As your mother, I must insist
that you start smoking again.

Thanks.

God, these are good.

Although, Ted would say I'm just filling
the wrong hole again.

Darling, firstly, that's not something
any gay man should go around saying.

Secondly, it's a disgusting image. And
thirdly, I can't imagine any opening of

yours that hasn't been thoroughly
attended to.

He's talking about my soul.

Soul dot what? This, shoes, darling,
what? Give me a clue.

Soul, as in spirituality, religious...

of which we have none.

Darling, don't you remember all the
lovely Jewish heritage I gave you as a

child?

I remember a really big Easter egg hunt.

Oh, yes, yes, that's right. That was the
year that your father and I were trying

to get into that country club.

But I always gave a lovely Seder.

Okay,

enough prayers.

What happened to Elijah's wine?

Maybe he came, darling.

Finally.

I don't care what you said, darling.
That was a fucking great save.

The neighbors had to send for the
police.

Well, bye, darling.

Oh, my God.

Hey! Hey!

Repo! Don't take my car! I sent the
check, damn it!

It bounced.

Well, will you give me another week if I
flash you?

Okay.

Well, let's say 48 hours.

Oh, and you're such an exquisite
specimen yourself.

So, this is how you act when you're
sober?

Pretty much.

I really fail to see how a nice Dubonnet
with a twist could make this much more

sense.

Dave, you think you're gonna be okay
while I'm talking to Sue? What, you

me? I'm gonna be like a kid in a candy
shop.

Sue!

Oh, and Jackie.

You're early.

Hi.

Oh.

Hey, what'd you bring Dave for?

Go sit down over there, you pussy.

God, I've missed you.

Yeah. Did you miss me?

Oh, yeah, I mean, you're all I've been
thinking about.

I made you a crumb cake, but the guards
had to check it for drugs and weapons,

and well, now it's just crumbs.

Oh, well, that's okay, Jackie.

I'm kind of watching my figure anyway.

In prison?

Why, you would think a girl could relax
from that kind of stuff.

Yeah, you'd think.

So, look, look.

I made it myself.

Oh, yeah, that's a nice one.

Billy, did you ever think that maybe God
tried to take your car to help you hit

bottom? Why do I have to hit bottom? Why
can't I just stop? Honey, with your

bottom, you would.

I told you, I don't believe in God. I
only prayed to him once when I didn't

my period.

Did it work?

Oh, yeah. He showed me the way.

To Planned Parenthood.

Do you have any other prisoners here?
You know, like the kind that you see in

the movies?

Hey. Hey.

It's a man.

Want a piece of this, huh?

No, thanks. I'm full.

Not that I wouldn't like to get to know
you. Hell, I didn't bite you out, but I

couldn't go. Sadly, you're locked up. I
mean, that's too bad for me.

Hi. Hi.

And we've gone to prison. But we'll be
back sometime tomorrow afternoon.

That is, unless we're having a really
good time. Oh, yeah.

I hope you get gang raped.

Hi, this is Ted, and I'm praying that
you're having a really good day.

I'm always here for you. Well, not now,
obviously, but...

Hell, it's only an expression.

So is fuck off.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

cigarettes. Shit.

Come on, baby, you can do it. Do it for
Mama.

No, I am not going to do it, okay? You
are not going to make me talk to you.

So is this your big plan for me?

First you kill me in a windsurfing
accident, and then I vomit on Ricardo

Montalban, and the next thing I know I'm
blowing posse.

I mean, I may be pathetic, but how
pathetic are you that you get a kick out

seeing me like this?

I mean, if you have so much free time,
why don't you cure cancer or something?

You suck!

I bet you think you did that.

Well, you didn't. I did it.

Well, me and the couch. But of course,
you made the couch, and you made the

lamps, and you made the...

Great roaches.

That's not funny.

All right, now.

Try that.

Can I get you anything else?

Yeah, can you get me an ice pack?

Yes. Oh, and a heating pad.

Heating pad.

Could you close this blind?

All right.

Oh, but first... Can you give me some
Vaseline for my lip?

You know, I thought you were needy in my
place. In your place, you're just a

pain in the ass.

A very cute ass.

Good morning, sunshine.

Go away. Oh, sorry I missed your 14
calls last night.

Thank you for your lovely messages.

Yeah, which fuck you was your favorite?

I have to say it was a tie between three
and nine.

But I love you anyway, so I brought you
a little care package. Cigarette?

Oh, God, my throat hurts.

Okay, cupcake?

I couldn't eat a thing.

Really? Well, I brought you the new
Vogue, some orange juice, a butt plug.

Sorry,

this is for me.

Talk about filling the wrong hole.

You're going to need this more than she
is.

Thanks. I don't even want to go there.

Bye. Hope you feel better.

You still like me?

More than ever.

Aw.

Goodbye. Bye.

Well, guess what?

Last night I finally hit bottom and
actually prayed, and now I'm sick.

Coincidence? I think not. Let me tell
you, it will be a cold day in hell

I pray to him again. I mean, hasn't he
tortured me enough? What's next?

Hopefully laryngitis. Billy, think about
it. You're not eating, you're not

smoking, you're not drinking. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

I know.

And I have to believe that God helped
you do that.

Yes, but you also have a butt plug, so
should I listen to you?

Look, I mean, the problem is all this
God crap.

Even if I do believe in him, I don't
think I like him, and I'm pretty fucking

sure he doesn't like me.

I mean, look at this hair.

Is this the hair of a woman that is
liked by God?

Honestly, no.

See, this is my problem.

I mean, why do we have to start with
God?

Even the most normal, healthy people,
neither of which I am, have a problem

God. Well, why don't you work your way
up?

What about angels? No one has a problem
with angels.

Oh, yeah? How about the angel of death?
I mean, a guy comes to your door with a

slice. Won't you bring a six -pack?

There are nice angels, like Michael
Landon. God, was he cute with all that

Yeah, I did a highway to heaven.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I played a mute.

Oh. Yeah, he gave me my voice back, made
my part much better.

Well, see?

And if you're a nice girl, you can work
your way up to Delaree.

But how about Nicholas Cage, because
he's an angel who fucks people up? Oh,

fabulous! No, wait a minute.

Meg Ryan dies in the end.

Oh, hit by a truck.

She was bringing home pears.

Well, how about John Travolta?

Yeah, oh, he's a great angel. He's
smoky, fuck, he smells like cookies. Oh,

that's it. I'm praying to John Travolta.
Oh, honey, there's a lot of things I'd

like to do with John Travolta.

Yeah, and I'm sure some of them involve
that butt plug.

Yeah.