Original subtitles

[? guitar strumming]

[beer hisses]

[? theme song playing]

?

[? theme concludes]

[lawyer] So, you three are the only heirs of Cotton Hill?

[keypad clacking]

Yes. I am Junichiro, and these are my brothers,

Good Hank and Hank.

Good Hank? So, is he Bad Hank?

[Good Hank snickers]

Just Hank, and they're my half-brothers.

Okay, well, our firm handled the Shin Jelly class action suit.

We have a $5,000 payout for you three.

It was sold with the promise that it would help grow shins back,

but it was only lotion and hot sauce.

I rubbed that gunk into his stumps every night.

We thought the burning meant it was working.

I told Cotton it was a complete waste of money,

and then he told me I was a complete waste of money.

- [snickering] - [clicking button]

?

Where's this elevator coming from? Hell?

[keypad clacking]

Have you thought about how you want to spend your part of the settlement?

[elevator dings]

G.H., did you hear your mother ask you a question?

He's always ignoring me,

locked in his room on his computer.

He needs a positive male influence in his life.

[keypad clacking continues]

Well, he's got $1,000 now!

?

[elevator dings]

- How did it go, Hank? - I'll tell you in the car.

- Keep walkin'. Don't look back. - [Didi Hill] Hank, please!

Can G.H. stay with you for a little while over summer break?

- Just think about it! - What is this?

[quietly] Didi is asking me to spend time with G.H.

Do you not want to, honey?

[Hank Hill] He's a teenager.

I wanna spend my retired years

with people who remember when quarterbacks stayed in the pocket.

Hank, do not look at Good Hank as a teen.

Honey, he is your brother.

[sighs] Fine,

but if he's my brother,

she's your mother-in-law.

No, she- [gasps]

Ugh...

[Bobby Hill] Oh, I'm so sorry, Mom!

I totally meant to call you back

and tell you that I couldn't make it today.

We're behind in prepping for the Dallas Foodie Week.

That is apparently this week!

And not next week!

I got the month right.

In short, Mom, no pickleball.

- But, next week's wide open? - No, no, no, no!

Dammit! We need a better system!

Love you! Miss you-

- [phone beeping] - Oh, he hung up.

How are we supposed to play with an odd number? Hm, Peggy Hill?

Since your son abandoned you again.

I am sure you two know how it is, now that our kids are grown.

They just do not have time for their parents.

Connie and I talk all the time. She loves me!

Really? That must be because she is a girl.

Joseph needs me every day.

But, that may be because he's a Joseph.

[? dramatic music playing]

[Minh grunts]

[all grunting]

- Dink! - [ball bouncing]

Hoyeah!

It's not fair.

Your hips are so wide, Peggy Hill.

[giggles] You cover more space.

- [? dramatic music continues] - [grunts]

Ah! [groaning] Sonovabitch!

- [both gasp] - Damn, Peggy Hill.

Your knee looks like a baboon butt.

Oh, Sug, you're gonna need to see a doctor.

Oh! [laughs] I am fine.

- [knee cracks] - Ow!

O-Okay. Maybe you're right.

Do either of you know of an orthopedic I can go to?

Well, I do, but they're all the way in Dallas.

That's fine. Can either of you give me a ride?

Hell no! Too far! You have a son.

- Use it. - Oh, yeah.

Bobby is in Dallas.

[Hank sighs]

I can't believe I used to be worried about Bobby and his prop comedy.

G.H. is even worse!

He just spends a lot of time in that room by himself.

Oh, he's probably, you know,

shakin' hands with the milkman.

- Yep. - [laughs] Damn straight, man.

[sighs] That's not something Hill men do, Bill.

I didn't at his age.

I did! Some of the ladies

in that Zapruder film were very shapely.

- Gah! - It's all fake anyway.

?

When you take me home afterward,

I insist on making you

Spa-Peggy and meatballs for dinner

as a way of saying thank you.

I made a secret change to the recipe.

Instead of just adding the right amount of sugar,

I add the perfect amount of sugar.

That sounds really nice, Mom, but I need to get back to the restaurant.

I was gonna have Joseph drive you back to Arlen

after the MRI.

- Oh. Joseph. - [phone buzzes]

Yeah, he wouldn't mind. He wants to see his mom anyway.

Oh! Yes, of course, honey. You get back to the restaurant.

That is priority num�ro uno.

It's just that Emilio is texting me

with four exclamation points, and I don't know what that is!

- I'm gonna send him four question marks! - [angry typing]

?

[soft knocking]

[video playing on laptop]

It's, um...

What you're doin' all the time, uh...

it's natural, but it's setting up

unrealistic expectations.

Most repairmen won't accept payment in anything other than cash or-

It's not porn! I'm looking into personal development opportunities.

Okay, well, let's see then.

- [? metal music playing] - Hey, man, if you're watching this,

you're probably feeling purposeless and weak,

like you're wading in a pit of crap.

That's because you've lost track of the Four F-Bombs.

Family, faith,

- finances, and fitness. - [cash register dings]

- [lion roars] - Don't worry, we've all been there.

Over the course of one weekend,

I can give you the tools to build up your F-Bombs.

But only those committed and relentless

can crawl outta that crappy pit...

- ManMade. - [metal clangs]

This looks like some good old-fashioned character building.

Eli's the GOAT.

He has a two-day "Boot Camp-inar" coming to Arlen tomorrow.

I was gonna go with my settlement money,

but boys under 18 can't go without an adult male "mantor."

I tell you what, G.H., I'll be your "man-tor,"

although I don't see how that's better than mentor,

but I'll also even pay for it,

as long as you complete all the F-Bombs.

Sick!

?

Not the best start.

?

So, you are going to slide me into this narrow pipe,

magnetize my organs-

Just relax, Mrs. Hill, and this will all be over before you know it,

- and your son can get you back to Arlen. - Okay, got it.

[MRI humming, bed whirring]

[? electronic music playing]

[Peggy exhales]

- [? music builds intensity] - [heavy breathing]

- Oh... - [machine whirring]

[shivering]

[whimpering]

[hyperventilating]

- Mrs. Hill. - [gasps]

- [MRI beeping] - Get me... Dammit.

Get me out! Call my son!

Or text him! It is what he prefers!

[doctor] Just take slow, deep breaths.

[hyperventilating]

Mrs. Hill, calm down. You're having a panic attack.

[sighs]

Oh, I do not know what that was, but I assure you,

I am much too strong for it to have been a panic attack.

Maybe we reschedule you for tomorrow.

Fine. If you insist.

I hope your machine is fixed by then.

[Bobby] Don't worry, Mom.

Staying here makes more sense than you going back to Arlen,

just to come back tomorrow for your MRI.

Make yourself at home.

I gotta work on some sauces for Dallas Foodie Week,

so I'll be in the kitchen,

emulsifying all night.

Yes, that is as sexy as it sounds.

Don't you mind me at all.

I will be out of your way. Just point me to the TV remote,

and you go get saucy.

[Peggy sighs]

Here you go, Mrs. Hill.

[Peggy Hill] Joseph, what is that?

[Joseph Gribble] Oh! That's Lead Dead Redemption,

the apartment pencil fight champ.

Bobby got tired of losing, so I retired it.

So, what is this pencil fighting?

A guy holds his pencil with both hands, like this,

and another guy uses his own pencil to try and break it.

Would a pencil like this work?

The only rule is it has to be a wood pencil,

but... it takes years of practice and training

to get the technique just right.

Especially if you're gonna take on Lead Dead Redemption.

You hold it... something like this?

Uh, you'll never get enough force holding it like that-

- [Peggy] Hoyeah! - Ah!

- Lead Dead! - [laughing] What?!

[laughs] Of course I know what pencil fighting is!

I was a substitute detention teacher for years. [gasps]

I will call her "Leadward Scissorhands."

- And now, she's the champ here. - [Bobby] Hold up!

She has to defend her title!

[? dramatic music playing]

[Peggy grunting]

Hoyeah!

[grunts]

Who's your mama?

?

[Peggy grunting]

Hoyeah!

You just got Pegged.

- Huh? - [laughs]

- Dude, yes! Yeah! - Woo-hoo! Yeah, Mom!

[birds chirping]

[indistinct chatter]

[nerdy voice] Excuse me! A light breeze blew off my ascot.

Did any of you see it?

No. This is a gathering for men!

[cheering]

Sick!

- [laughter] - But, wait.

We must help our weak, pathetic, emasculated brother

because that's what men do!

Do you know the Four F-Bombs?

Family, faith, fitness...

Damn! What's the last one?

Hello! [laughs] Oh, yeah!

[manly] Finances!

[men exclaiming, cheering]

That's clever, see? Because money talks.

Over the next two days,

you can expect to build up your entrepreneurship,

self-confidence, leadership skills, and brotherhood.

Well, this sounds like it's gonna be a very pleasant experience.

- [? dramatic music playing] - I am a man!

- [grunting] - [group] I'm a man!

If you aren't, you can ring the Bell of Defeat and go home!

- [Hank groans] - Keep that head up, bro.

Let's [bleep] go!

[straining] I'm so glad we're here.

Yeah. [groans]

Let's freaking go!

?

?

Most of us are in financial trouble

from either working under a female, or a beta,

instead of investing and starting our own businesses.

Working under another man... sounds sus.

- Oh, yeah. - That's what I've been saying.

Hang on there. I worked for Buck Strickland

of Strickland Propane for nearly 30 years.

And trust me, Buck was no "beta."

[chuckles] Sure, buddy.

You're all broke, but I can fix that.

Today, we're learning how to grind.

You have an hour to pitch products and/or services

to each other and flip those $5 into 20.

Let's see who's got that dog in 'em!

Uh... [sighs] Alright.

You look like the kind of man

that appreciates propane and propane accessories.

I sell solar panels.

- [shudders] - You game?

Yeah.

I'll teach you to get rare Valorant skins for... 2.50.

- Keep talking. - 2.50 for the skins?

Not bad. How much is the meat?

?

[PA beeps]

[over PA] Dr. Johnson to PEDs two.

Dr. Alexander! Can you hold it, please?

[? dramatic music playing]

- [Peggy grunts] - [doors clang]

I know yesterday was not my best day, but today,

Peggy Hill is gonna make it though her MRI.

And you can count on that, Doc.

Sure.

- [clicking, whirring] - [elevator dings]

[? tense, ominous music playing]

[hyperventilating]

[softly singing] ? Sail away, sail away, sail away ?

- [exhales, groans] - [clattering]

[group] Oh!

Mrs. Hill, your behavior indicates

- you are having another panic attack. - [hyperventilating]

Of course, I am! Will you people back the [bleep] up?!

- [elevator dings] - And call my son to come get me

and take me back to his place!

[sighs] We're going to have to reschedule you for tomorrow.

Do not just stand there.

- Gimme a Xanax! - [group murmuring]

[? exciting music playing]

[panting, grunting]

[yelps, grunts]

- [grunts] - [yelling]

Diabetes!

- Let's go! - [yelps]

Defeat your demons, like men!

- Man up! - Come on, let's go! Be a man!

- [? exciting music continues] - [grunting, panting]

Gotdangit!

[G.H. grunts]

[groans]

[? gentle music playing]

Come on, G.H., we can finish this.

[gasping] No, I can't!

I'm just another weak loser destined for cucktitude.

Those words, whatever they mean,

have never described a Hill!

[? inspiring music playing]

[sniffles]

Okay.

- Come on! Come on! - Let's go!

- Go, go, go, go! - [group shouting]

[group cheering]

Great job, dude!

None for me, thanks. I have a wife for that.

?

[Eli Selwick] These are the Nads of Truth.

While your brother is holding these balls,

the rest of us will listen to what he has to say and support him.

Feel free to share any and all obstacles

that you feel are holding you back as a man.

[balls clinking]

I'm too short!

And who tells you you're too short?

Every woman on Bumble.

[balls clinking]

I don't make enough money.

And who says you don't make enough money?

My ex-wife.

Hm, another female.

Nobody gets my jokes.

- And who doesn't get your jokes? - Everyone.

And who is slightly more than half of everyone?

[group] Females!

Fellas, I don't think all women-

Ah, ah, ah! G.H. has the Nads.

Go ahead, brother.

Brothers, I've been struggling a lot recently.

Mostly because this girl I really like put me in the friend zone

before I got a chance to ask her out.

- [group] That's bullshit! - Ugh!

Now, hold on-

[sings] ? Highway to the friend zone! ?

See? Nobody ever gets my jokes!

- Now, G.H., I tell you what- - [Eli] Nads!

Just because a girl wants to be your friend

doesn't mean she's a bad person.

- Nads. - [balls clinking]

But do friends stay up late, laughing on the phone together?

Or talk about problems we have with our parents?

- That sounds like a pretty good friend- - [G.H.] She was leading me on!

Eli's right. Females are the problem!

If she just wants to be your friend, that's her choice,

and you need to respect her decision.

[overlapping disagreement]

What's the problem with respecting her decision?

That's the foundation for a good relationship.

Yeah, if you're a spineless, dick-less jellyfish.

Actually, I think jellyfish-

Remember we talked about which animals have dicks?

[sighs] I think all of you need a lesson on chivalry.

- You're a beta! - Jellyfish!

Alright, Nad Talk over. Don't listen to 'em, G.H.

Why would I listen to you?

Because I'm almost certain that I'm the only one here

who still has a wife.

[? tense music playing]

Shut up! You ain't my daddy!

[both] You're just a weak sissy with a fat neck!

A stupid soy-boy!

- [? dramatic sting] - [sniffling]

And that better be sweat comin' out of your eyeballs, boy!

After droppin' that pass,

you deserved all the name-callin' from the other team!

The names you called me were worse.

Well, that's 'cause you're weak. I blame your mama.

Hell, after raising you up to be a sissy,

she deserves name-callin', too!

[both] With a mediocre-lookin' wife!

- Bwah! - [balls clinking]

I have a fresh box of number twos. Who's ready to dance?

Sorry, Mom. I've got to approve our final menu

and finish these flyers for Dallas Foodie Week.

I'm even more behind because of last night.

Joseph?

[snoring]

Baby weight don't scare me, girl.

Oh, come on, Bobby,

you can take just a little break.

- [sighs] I wish I could. - [phone buzzes]

Dang it! I missed a call from my shrimp guy!

[? gentle music playing]

- [sighs] - [Peggy humming]

It's okay, I got it!

- [? dramatic music plays] - Hm...

Let me just get on my back

and scooch backwards with my arms to my sides...

Oh, Mom? That's a tight spot.

You're gonna have another...

[laughs] Would you look at that.

- Got it! - [? upbeat guitar music plays]

Eli! We need to speak to you

about what happened yesterday, men-to-man.

Of course.

I've been thinking a lot about yesterday as well.

G.H., I may have led you astray.

Well, I'm glad you said that, Eli, because-

Instead of allowing yourself to live in the friend zone,

like your simping beta brother suggested,

you should ask out all of that girl's friends

to make her jealous.

Then, she'll perceive you as having higher value.

And then I get to date her?

No, no, little man. She gets to think she's dating you.

You'll actually be clapping her friends.

Clapping her what?

No, we've heard enough.

G.H. and I are done.

[bell ringing]

Come on G.H., ring the bell.

Now, I don't expect a full refund,

but you can write me a prorated check

for the remainder of the Boot Camp-inar.

Bro's givin' up, but I'm not.

Only simps give up.

Also, all sales are final. I cashed your check.

[sighs]

[line ringing]

Hello, Dale. Uh,

- how do I find out about a person? - [rats squeaking]

I knew this day would come.

It's about time you found out what your wife was up to.

What? Dammit, Dale. I'm talkin' about a stranger.

No one's a stranger to me, Hank!

I know everything about everyone.

Well, do you know anything about a jerk named Eli Selwick?

He runs somethin' called the ManMade Boot Camp-inar.

- Who? - Just get me all the info you can on him.

And destroy all the information on Peggy.

Okay. Shredding it now.

[mimics shredder]

Ah, my hand!

?

Okay. [sighs] It's nothing.

It's not a big deal.

Just like going down a tube slide as a kid.

- [MRI whirring] - A really slow, tight,

loud tube slide.

- [clicks] - [Dr. Alexander] Hi, Mrs. Hill.

This is completely against protocol,

but someone wants to talk to you.

- Hey, Mom. - Bobby?!

Yep. Just wanted to tell you,

we're gonna start a new promotion at the restaurant.

We're having mother-son lunches every Tuesday

with a themed menu, inspired by

your cookin'.

- [? gentle music playing] - Would you wanna come up once a week

- and check it out? - I would love that, Bobby.

Now, honey, please let the doctor do her job.

Sorry, Dr. Alexander! He's an only child.

They are very entitled.

- [machine humming] - [breathes deeply]

Time to get this over with.

[snoring]

You figured out the panic attacks were psychosomatic?

Nice. You're a good son.

Her knee will be fine. However, I can't help but notice

there's some scar tissue in her groin area.

Like she was kicked by a 12-year-old some time ago.

[clears throat] You can tell it was a 12-year-old?

And that's why it's important for you to retain your semen.

[door bangs open]

[balls clacking]

Uh, gentlemen?

I noticed a common thread in your stories.

You all have been hurt

or shunned by women or girls,

which got me thinkin' that maybe your fearless leader,

- Eli here, has been, too. - Who hasn't?

- [balls clinking] - Eli, you'll see I have the Nads of Truth.

Now, I looked into Eli, and I had a talk with his ex-girlfriend.

What did that bitch have to say?

- Do these mean nothing to you? - [balls clacking]

Now, she had a lot of interesting things to say.

The most interesting being

that you don't own ManMade.

- Your mother does. - [doors open]

[shocked chatter]

Elias Selwick, dammit, if you would've told me

you were spreadin' bile with this venture...

You really paid for everything?

Of course, I did.

I hoped this camp would help him open up and make some friends

now that his adult braces are off.

Mom! Stop talking!

So a family member gave me an initial investment of 50 grand.

That's what every businessman gets.

You need to update the ManMade curriculum immediately,

or I will be withdrawing my investment.

See, brothers? This is exactly what I'm talking about,

females causing our problems.

Speak for yourself, Eli.

My wife, mother, and our propane delivery woman

have supported me through just about every crisis I can think of.

And if we aren't gettin' support from those women in our lives,

it's because we haven't earned it.

That's the lesson this camp should teach.

- Nads. - [balls clanking]

Hey, King, you know your dating profile says you're 6'2".

You can't blame women for being disappointed

when they meet you and see you're 5'4".

Yeah, you might be right about that.

And, brother, with respect, maybe the real reason you're broke

is that you spend the alimony money

your ex-wife pays you on swords.

I needed some of 'em! But, not all of 'em.

To be fair, my jokes are flagrantly misogynistic.

[murmuring agreement]

Ah, geez. Yeah, that guy's got a point.

[bell rings]

Ring that bell, and you'll be a Broke Boy Ambassador

- for the rest of your life! - [bell rings]

Oh! Of course Mr. Gets-No-Bitches is tapping out.

That's the only thing he's tapped in his life!

[? dramatic music playing]

Mikey, don't you dare.

If you ring that bell, I'll... I-I'll...

I'll actually be really hurt.

We started this together, man!

[? dramatic music building]

[grunts, yelps]

- [bell ringing] - [Mikey laughing]

Yeah, whatever, Friend-Zoned Freddy.

[bell rings]

You should probably ask your mom to buy you a shirt

that's not suffocating your nips.

They're screaming for help, bro.

- [? soft music playing] - Let's go home now.

That's a good idea.

We should do something nice for our bitches.

Yeah, I think we have a little more work to do.

- Yep. - Mm-hmm.

- Hello, Didi. - Hi, Hank.

Mom.

[? gentle music plays]

Good Hank.

Well, the boy still ain't quite right,

but at least he's showin' his mother some respect.

Go fetch your things.

What's this piece of crap?

Well, this here is G.H.'s first bit

of freedom and responsibility.

We used the settlement money to buy G.H.'s first car.

- Sorta looks like it has herpes. - Yeah, well,

this car's gonna be a long-term project

that G.H. and I can work on together whenever he wants.

I'd like to continue to help him on his journey.

Catch you later, big bro.

Hank is fine.

[? gentle music playing]

I hear you're back on the market.

I can provide and cook pretty well.

Why don't I send you a resume?

I, uh, can't read?

That's no problem! I can help you sound it out!

- Oh, man. - [Dale laughs]

Dang ol' brutal, man.

[window whirring]

You can only hold him for a second!

I gotta stay alive so Good Hank doesn't come out as terrible as you did.

[Baby G.H. cooing]

[? gentle music continues]

Too bad, old man.

?

[? "Yahoos and Triangles" by The Refreshments playing]

- ? Yee-haw! ? - ? Wa-hoo! ?

[? song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps] - [crowd cheering]

?

[Dale Gribble] [mimicking a shredder] Ah, my hand!

[? fanfare playing]

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