Original subtitles

I still don't get why I can't go with you this weekend.

Again with this bitch.

It's called Women Fest.

Right. There'll be thousands of women listening to folk music, exploring their

feelings, sharing their hopes and dreams.

How the hell am I going?

Exactly.

You hate concerts.

Spence, get over it, okay? I'm going to Berkeley for the weekend without you.

Fine. You know what, then?

I'm going to the Forbidden Place.

You wouldn't dare. Oh, wouldn't I?

Yes, I think I'm going to Penny's, and I'm going to buy Dockers.

You don't have the guts. Oh, don't I? I'm not even going to the mall. I'm

to the factory outlet.

Yes, that's right. I'm buying Irregulars, baby!

Okay, fine. All right, fine.

Then I am going to Womenfest, and I am going to have an affair with a lesbian!

I'm not sure that was loud enough, Paige. My neighbors usually have their

Spence and I are always fighting.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be bringing up my relationship problems when you're still

trying to get over Lori.

Oh, that's okay. I'm happy to hear somebody else isn't happy. It reminds me

cheer the hell up.

You know, I know that I wasn't the most accepting person of your new

orientation.

But, um, I liked Lori.

Yeah, she was great.

I mean, you two were good together. I don't know why you couldn't just make it

work.

I don't know. This is all so new to me, and she was pushing too hard for a

commitment.

Well, what's the big deal about making a commitment?

If it doesn't work out, you just bail.

Hi, Ellen!

Oh, hi, Paige.

Ellen, I am so excited about this concert.

Three days of girl bonding, female unity, and ovarian rhapsody.

And it is sure to help you get over Lori.

Yeah, this and that big don't -think -about -Lori sign you made for the

room.

Oh, how much do I owe you for the ticket?

I got them for free, so just the $3 handling charge.

She won them for being the thousandth customer at a feminist bookstore.

I felt a little guilty taking it because I just went in to get change for the

parking meter so I could go see the movie Boogie Nights.

Well, if that is not cosmic divine providence, I don't know what is.

Well, that makes two of us. I don't know what that is either.

tickets with a sign, silly.

Your destiny guided you into that bookstore so you'd win those tickets, go

Berkeley, and meet your new soulmate.

I'm not going for romance, Audrey. I just want to have fun. And besides, I'm

running low on incense and granny skirts.

Ellen, this is so exciting.

We're like Thelma and Louise and Paige.

Yep, we're rebels on the open road.

Oh, I forgot to pack my water pick. I'll be right back.

halfway. I feel like I've been in that camper with you for ten long years.

You're just grumpy because you couldn't guess what I spied.

Great.

Everything here is fried.

Oh, no, wait.

Look, there's something that's deep -fried.

Worst place on Earth.

They even deep -fry the sushi.

An innovation long overdue, in my opinion.

So what can I get you? Oh, water with a wedge of lemon, please. Oh, and could

you tell your cook to fight his urge to roll it in breadcrumbs and boil it in

oil? Thank you so much.

A patty melt and a strawberry shake.

Okay.

And what about you?

I don't know.

I wish they wouldn't have drawn those sheep faces on the lamb chops.

I'm sorry I did that. I'm vegetarian. I'm trying to make whoever orders it

guilty.

So I guess calling the steak sandwich the murderer's hoagie works well, huh?

I'm a vegetarian also. What do you recommend?

Well, you can get the burger on a seven -grain bun without the burger.

No, I'm not in the mood for a burger.

How are the pork chops with the applesauce and rice hold the pork chops?

I prefer any of the chicken dishes minus the chicken.

I'll tell you what. Let me have the sausage and peppers hold the sausage,

franks and beans hold the franks, and put it in the bowl that the beef stew

usually comes in in an empty bottle of steak sauce.

Perfect. One blue plate special.

And just let me know if I can do anything else for you.

She seems sweet.

What?

Ellen, she was so flirting with you.

She was pretty obvious.

I don't usually flirt like that until the bartender yells, last call.

Ellen, maybe that waitress was the reason that you were meant to take this

Oh, so now it's not the gas station attendant in Oxnard?

You have to remain open to the signs, Ellen. The universe is speaking to you.

Uh -oh, someone had one too many yoo -hoos in the car. I got a good little

girlfriend.

Ellen, listen.

I didn't want to talk about this in front of Audrey because, well, then we'd

have to talk about it with Audrey.

But what would you say if I told you that?

Spence and I are getting married.

See, now who says no one buys the floor model? Look at that!

Congratulations. That is wonderful. I'm happy for you.

Thanks, thanks. Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it. Yeah.

Spence doesn't know anything about this, does he?

Listen, our relationship is going nowhere, okay? We're fighting all the

and we're both getting restless, and I think it is the perfect time to tie the

knot.

Maybe you can work that speech into your vows.

It sounds insane. I mean, is this what Spence wants?

Well, it will be when I get through with him. Listen, this is what I'm going to

do. I'm going to start with some subtle hints.

I'm going to rent some romantic movies like four weddings and a funeral. What

he ends up wanting a funeral?

If he doesn't propose to me, then I'm going to move on to threats and

ultimatums. Paige, you can't force someone to make a commitment when

ready for it. I mean, if it's not working out, cut your losses and end it.

Really? Is that what you would do? Yeah.

Well, who wants to be like you? You're miserable.

I'm not a quitter. In my experience, love is work.

Oh, maybe you only feel that way because of some of the positions you've held.

Forget it, okay? This is my life and my plan, and who the hell are you to judge

me? Oh, who am I? Who am I?

Shut up. That's who I am.

Shame on you.

God, I have never felt more beautiful.

I'm going to go look around if that's okay with you, Ellen.

Yeah, sure. Hey, maybe you'll see a kid that you don't like that you and Spence

can adopt.

Can you feel it, Ellen?

The gentle energy of the womanly side of creation.

Oh, God, it's just great. Everybody doing their own thing out in public.

Nobody's afraid of being stared at or judged.

Oh, my God, look at those freaks.

Listen, fate brought you here, and I am certain that one of these women is your

destiny.

I don't know about destiny, but I think that woman over there is my seventh

-grade volleyball coach.

Look, tarot cards!

Let's go have a read your future.

This is my friend Ellen, and she is a lost pilgrim searching for love.

I hope this is a special deck, because once I got my fortune told by a regular

deck, and I ended up inheriting 52 bicycles.

Concentrate on your question.

Concentrate?

Okay.

Eight of cups, eight of pentacles. Oh, I'll be splitting a pair.

You have already met the person you are meant to be with.

I'm getting all goose bumpy.

That person has dark hair.

Oh, well, that narrows it down. How many people live in China again?

Wait a minute, Ellen.

Laurie has dark hair.

Maybe she's your destiny after all.

I see something else here.

This woman waits.

Did you hear that? She's waiting for you.

I'm getting an image.

A man.

Oh, destiny just took an odd turn.

He's dancing.

He's... He's... He's Gene Kelly.

Gene... Gene Kelly?

I'm Sue Gene Kelly.

What is it, Ellen?

Laurie and I, a few days before we broke up, we saw Singing in the Rain on TV.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, and then we were dancing. It wasn't in the rain, but her shower is

C 'est tout. That's it.

Five dollars, please.

There you go. Thank you very much.

Ellen, this is so exciting.

Fate is leading you back to Laurie.

I don't usually believe in this stuff, but when she said singing in the rain, I

mean, that was neat, you know? I was halfway expecting to hear Ben and Jerry,

because they were there with us, too.

What a delicious idea.

Okay, what if Lori is here somewhere and it is your destiny to meet again and

rekindle the embers of your still smoldering love?

Oh, that would be crazy. What if she was, though? Wouldn't that be neat?

Oh,

if she's here, how would... Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi. Hi.

You're the waitress from the diner.

She has dark hair, Ellen, and she waits.

I had this weird feeling I was going to run into you again.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, hi, I'm Jean.

Jean Kelly.

and you

I decided it was a good idea coming to this concert.

Yeah, boy, this blows Barney on ice away.

I'm so glad I ran into you. I just ended it with someone and I was feeling kind

of down.

Me too, me too. I just ended it also. I just, I can't seem to shake it.

Oh. Nothing like coming to Womenfest to take your mind off the ladies.

Yeah, well, for me now, it's mostly a relief.

Cheryl and I, we fought.

We never saw eye to eye on anything.

Was that how it was for you guys?

No, no.

We didn't fight.

No. Well, then, why'd you break up?

Oh, wow.

A lot of reasons, really.

Just if you think about it.

Lots. You know, mainly she just was pushing for commitment.

Oh, and you didn't think that she was the one.

Well, I'd like to think that there's more than one.

I mean, I'd like to think that there are hundreds of women out there for me who

are exactly like her.

We were just, we were in two different places.

I never know what that means.

Well, I was at one place, and then she was at another.

And it was just complicated, I don't know.

Oh, hey, watch this.

I didn't go to UC Santa Barbara for nothing.

No heads up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay. I think babies are pretty resilient.

I got sweaters

and water and snacks from the car.

Don't thank me. Just the sight of you two together gives me a warm fuzzy in my

tummy.

You'll have to excuse Audrey. She's been a little loopy ever since she tried on

those hemp sweatpants.

You know, I'm going to go check on the kid. I'll meet you right back here.

Ellen, you two are so sweet together.

I have not seen anything this meant to be since that guy with the chocolate bar

bumped into the girl with the peanut butter.

Please stop pushing this thing.

Audrey, nothing is going to happen with Jean. Why not?

She's fun and pretty and gay. She's everything you need.

Well, yes, true, she is the Swiss Army knife of lesbians.

Look, there's no denying that Jean is great. She's terrific. And if I had a

friend to set her up with, I would. Because the whole time I'm with her, I

thinking of somebody else.

Ellen, don't fight it. All the signs are pointing you toward Jean.

Let Lady Destiny guide you.

Lady Destiny can get her own chicks.

I can get mine.

I know my own mind. I'm not going to let some silly coincidence let me...

Where'd you get this?

What? This. This sweater. Where'd you get it?

I found it in your duffel bag. And I must say, it's nice to finally see you

dabbling in the world of designer fashions.

This is Lori's sweater.

Oh, that explains it.

I must have gotten some of her things mixed up with mine. Don't you see this

a sign that I wanted Lori to be with me this weekend, so I packed a piece of her

with me.

Oh, please.

It's just a silly sweater.

It even smells like her.

Actually, the night she wore it, we went to the movies and then walked along the

Santa Monica Pier, so it sort of smells like Laurie eating onion rings.

Ellen, that's a little out there.

I think you're reading way too much into this.

It couldn't be more crystal clear if I had packed Laurie in my suitcase. Oh, my

God. Was this sweater empty when you found it?

Look, say goodbye to Jean for me, okay? I'm going to go find Paige.

Ellen, this is not a sign.

Well, I say it is a sign.

It's a sign. And you know why?

You know why?

Shut up. That's why.

Good, I found you. Hi.

Hi.

Oh, I tried to make an announcement, but just try paging someone named Paige

without it turning into an Abbott and Costello routine.

Who would you like to page? Page. No, who are you going to page? I'm paging

Paige. Paging Paige.

You can't page page. I'm paging page. Got it.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Hey, I'm sorry we argued earlier.

Okay.

And you were right.

Who am I kidding about marrying Spence?

I mean, you and Lori had more going for you in a month than Spence and I did

after two years.

I'm sorry, I keep mentioning Lori.

That's okay.

Hey, how do you feel about driving back to L .A. tonight?

What? Right now?

Yeah. Come on. I'll round up the horses. You pee on the campfire.

I decided I want to try and work things out with Lori.

Wait a minute. What about her pushing you too hard, trying to force a

commitment? She changed.

I mean, she used to be wrong, and now she's right.

I decided that I want her in my life, and I don't want to throw this away just

because I was a little afraid.

And maybe you can go back and work things out with Spence.

No.

I don't think that Spence and I have a work -things -out kind of a

I mean, if you really look at it, it's mostly been about sex.

Well, I haven't actually looked at it.

But, I mean, on occasions I've seen it rattle pictures off the wall.

It's just, it's time for us to admit that it's really not going anywhere.

Well, I think you're a great girl and you deserve to be happy.

Hi. Hi.

I was in the neighborhood.

I was in Berkeley.

And, uh... Hi.

Hi.

Did I wake you?

Oh, no.

No, I was just messing up my hair, drooling on my pillow, about to take a

in my underwear.

Are you okay?

I'm, um... Lonely.

I miss you.

And I'm double -parked.

Well, I'm the same.

Well, except for the double parked. I got my own spot.

I know. It's one of the things I dig about you.

Look, a few weeks back, we hit a rough spot, and I think it was my fault. Oh,

no, no, no. I think I pushed too hard, and I should not have expected you to...

No, expect.

I want you to expect.

We just gave up too easy. I don't want to throw this away. I want to work on

this, no matter what it takes, no matter how many miserable man hours.

Well, it sounds like fun.

You want to come in?

More than anything.

You're double parked.

I don't mind the parking ticket. It goes with the speeding ticket I got on the

way here.

You okay?

What, you mean with the breakup? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm hanging in there. I mean, you know, Paige and I had a lot of fun

together. I always love her. But I guess she wasn't the person I saw myself

marrying. Well, unfortunately, God only made one Rosemary. Yeah.

But you both seem to be handling it pretty well. Yeah, so far so good. Hey,

know how they say that make -up sex is really great? Yeah. Break -up sex, even

better.

Well, you'll always have the memories. And when the memories fade, you'll have

the videotapes.

Hello. Hey.

Yes, he's right here.

I'll... I'll ask him. It's Paige. She wants to know if you want to come over

break up some more.

That knock on your door?

It's me.

Hello.

Hey, Lori.

That knock on your door?

It's me.

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