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1
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What is your problem? A bachelor party
is tradition, you know? I didn't
2
00:00:04,330 --> 00:00:07,229
when you had that shower and got those
linens and that nice soap.
3
00:00:07,230 --> 00:00:10,430
Please! A soap doesn't do lap dances for
tips!
4
00:00:10,431 --> 00:00:13,909
I don't care about naked women. I am
just doing this for my friends.
5
00:00:13,910 --> 00:00:16,290
Fine, then go. Fine, I will.
6
00:00:16,990 --> 00:00:18,040
Fine! Fine!
7
00:00:29,380 --> 00:00:32,330
lovebirds do, and I just chirp, chirp,
chirp anyway, huh?
8
00:00:32,331 --> 00:00:35,099
Certainly not arguing over naked women
and soap. I didn't hear anything.
9
00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:40,559
I can't believe he's actually going
through with this. Hey, I know you're
10
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:43,279
because this guy's having a bachelor
party, but you have nothing to worry
11
00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:45,599
I mean, come on, this is Matt we're
talking about, you know what I mean?
12
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:46,700
right.
13
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:49,320
Matt loves me.
14
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,750
No, he's the dullest man in North
America.
15
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:55,659
That's not fair. I bet Matt has a couple
of drinks in him. He would lie and
16
00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:57,160
cheat on her like anybody else.
17
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:58,450
Absolutely.
18
00:00:59,090 --> 00:01:00,530
Definitely. Thank you, Ellen.
19
00:01:00,531 --> 00:01:03,849
I'm going to go to the store and buy
everything with the word chocolate on it
20
00:01:03,850 --> 00:01:05,329
and go home and eat myself sick.
21
00:01:05,330 --> 00:01:06,750
All right. Bye -bye. Enjoy.
22
00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:10,090
Jay Leno's here. Hi.
23
00:01:10,091 --> 00:01:13,889
We're going to read some crazy headlines
that I found in the paper today. Read
24
00:01:13,890 --> 00:01:17,080
this one. This is funny. City officials
divided over bond issues.
25
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:21,260
Yeah, yeah.
26
00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:23,110
Weather outlook fair and mild.
27
00:01:25,530 --> 00:01:27,370
Funny stuff.
28
00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:36,859
I don't want to be kidnapped. I just
want to go home and eat Oreos and be
29
00:01:36,860 --> 00:01:40,619
miserable. Hey, you've got plenty of
time to eat Oreos and be miserable after
30
00:01:40,620 --> 00:01:42,670
you're married. Tonight is a night of
fun.
31
00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:45,060
Come on. Get ready to be excited.
32
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:49,210
Surprise!
33
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:54,780
Oh, my God.
34
00:01:55,220 --> 00:01:56,480
We're in your apartment.
35
00:01:57,060 --> 00:01:58,110
Thank you.
36
00:01:58,720 --> 00:01:59,770
I'm going back to bed.
37
00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:26,980
I'm off to Matt's party.
38
00:02:27,260 --> 00:02:28,310
Oh, God!
39
00:02:28,311 --> 00:02:31,659
What are you ogatting about? I'm the one
that has to sit through a night of a
40
00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:32,710
thousand yawns.
41
00:03:56,840 --> 00:04:00,090
I wouldn't dream of missing the party of
such a dear, dear friend.
42
00:04:01,660 --> 00:04:04,040
So, which one of you is Paige?
43
00:04:29,130 --> 00:04:31,480
I guess we underestimated mattresses,
Mitch.
44
00:04:42,230 --> 00:04:46,089
You know, Lorna, I really appreciate you
coming. And, you know, I understand
45
00:04:46,090 --> 00:04:48,829
you're a very busy woman. But if you
don't want to go through with the whole
46
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:51,509
slumber party thing, I would completely
understand.
47
00:04:51,510 --> 00:04:52,830
Thank you. Thank you, Patty.
48
00:04:52,831 --> 00:04:59,059
Therapist says that apparently I have a
difficult time relating to females
49
00:04:59,060 --> 00:05:00,110
socially.
50
00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:04,380
And if I don't give this a whirl, she
refuses to refill my Prozac.
51
00:05:05,780 --> 00:05:07,340
So, let's party.
52
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,930
I thought you said no one else was
coming. No.
53
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,100
I'm out of ship. I have a few more
surprises.
54
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,820
Prepare to meet she who sees and knows.
55
00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:37,060
I'm not being psychic.
56
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:39,350
Wow.
57
00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:41,800
You radiate doom.
58
00:05:42,180 --> 00:05:43,230
You!
59
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:47,690
I do?
60
00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:49,360
I don't think you... This is Paige.
61
00:05:49,361 --> 00:05:52,979
She's just kidding. This is Paige who
lets us get married. You know, she's...
62
00:05:52,980 --> 00:05:56,339
You probably are mistaking that. Maybe
it's not doom that she's radiating. She
63
00:05:56,340 --> 00:05:59,959
uses a lot of hair care products. And
when, in fact, you think that it is doom
64
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:03,030
that you're sensing, it could be just,
for instance, mousse.
65
00:06:11,310 --> 00:06:13,110
Come on, don't be shy.
66
00:06:13,570 --> 00:06:14,620
Oh, Taro.
67
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,250
Oh, Debbie, thank you. No, I'm Jewish.
68
00:06:18,910 --> 00:06:21,910
Pick three cards.
69
00:06:23,410 --> 00:06:27,250
The three of pentacles. The five of
wands.
70
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,330
The king of cups.
71
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:32,110
Uh -oh, these are bad omens.
72
00:06:32,111 --> 00:06:36,189
Oh, are you sure? Because cups, I mean,
that's good. You know, they hold liquid
73
00:06:36,190 --> 00:06:40,089
and you could, you know, if there's a
bug crawling, you want to catch it, you
74
00:06:40,090 --> 00:06:41,140
put it down.
75
00:06:42,220 --> 00:06:44,210
king of them. That's got to be good,
huh?
76
00:06:44,211 --> 00:06:47,979
Come on, work with me, Debbie. How
about, let me, you know what? I don't
77
00:06:47,980 --> 00:06:51,059
they were shuffled. You probably forgot
what the last person you were doing. Let
78
00:06:51,060 --> 00:06:54,559
me just shuffle them up right here.
Okay, let's just see what we have right
79
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:58,410
there. Okay, a little horsey stomping on
some little animal. That's all right.
80
00:06:58,580 --> 00:07:02,559
And then there's two men in overcoats
jumping out of a burning building.
81
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:03,610
got to be good.
82
00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:08,339
And there's a sword through someone's
heart, which of course is the universal
83
00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:09,460
symbol of love.
84
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:22,019
That means you'll be married and live in
a house and have a big jacuzzi tub
85
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:23,400
that'll be hot with bubbles.
86
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:28,320
Oh, Ellen, do me next. Oh, please, oh,
please. I want a jacuzzi tub.
87
00:07:29,420 --> 00:07:31,580
Yeah, please, then do me. Do me, please.
88
00:07:31,581 --> 00:07:32,839
Do me.
89
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:36,180
Oh, you are so wrong, Ellen.
90
00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:38,420
These are bad omens.
91
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:42,720
The 69 stars will cast a shadow.
92
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,220
A man will be revealed.
93
00:07:46,830 --> 00:07:47,880
He's seen.
94
00:07:49,310 --> 00:07:50,670
Elvis will show himself.
95
00:07:51,550 --> 00:07:57,369
And finally, at the sign of the serpent,
something old, something new, something
96
00:07:57,370 --> 00:08:03,310
borrowed, something blue will fall
victim to the night.
97
00:08:03,870 --> 00:08:04,970
Oh, my God.
98
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:10,349
My marriage is about to fall victim to
the night? Come on. You can't listen to
99
00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:12,700
her. She's a psychic who lives with her
parents.
100
00:08:12,710 --> 00:08:15,250
Hey, man. You're going to make fun of
the occult.
101
00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:16,900
I'm going to hit the gym.
102
00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:19,140
Oh, Debbie, we're sorry. Don't go.
103
00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:28,220
You hit star 69 and it calls back
whoever just called you.
104
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,190
how much you know, because it's North
Sweeter.
105
00:10:34,790 --> 00:10:36,050
Kovac Dictionary, my man.
106
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:37,830
This is nothing.
107
00:10:37,831 --> 00:10:40,669
Back up in Moose Jaw, we used to get up
in the morning and chug straight
108
00:10:40,670 --> 00:10:44,210
Tabasco. Hey, guys, Chug it and chug
Tabasco!
109
00:10:45,650 --> 00:10:47,270
Come on, chug it!
110
00:10:47,670 --> 00:10:48,970
Yeah, chug it, chug it!
111
00:10:49,290 --> 00:10:53,230
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug!
112
00:10:54,630 --> 00:10:56,630
Ellen, are you sure this is okay?
113
00:10:56,950 --> 00:11:01,049
It's fine, I'm telling you. My parents
are out of town. We can step as late as
114
00:11:01,050 --> 00:11:02,100
we want.
115
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:21,899
Oh, dear little rodent. Quick, take a
picture so I can prove to my therapist
116
00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:26,160
having fun. Okay, I want to be a...
Well, smile.
117
00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:28,110
I am.
118
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:35,720
Oh, that being surprise number two, I
told him the slumber rave was moving on.
119
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:36,880
Get ready, Paige.
120
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:43,490
Hi, D .H. Security, your silent arm went
off back at headquarters.
121
00:11:43,580 --> 00:11:44,630
Oh.
122
00:11:44,711 --> 00:11:52,019
Page of Silent Alarm's been going off
all day long. Good outfit. Very, very
123
00:11:52,020 --> 00:11:53,070
sexy. I like it.
124
00:11:54,820 --> 00:11:55,870
Is everything okay?
125
00:11:56,020 --> 00:11:57,070
It is now.
126
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,770
Everybody sit back and let Mr. D .A.
Security secure our premises.
127
00:12:02,571 --> 00:12:09,359
Come on. What's the matter? Are you shy
or something? You know, it's a little
128
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,650
warm in here. Let's take that jacket
off, huh?
129
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,210
Dance for us, dance.
130
00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:21,870
Hey,
131
00:12:22,060 --> 00:12:23,340
he's not bad.
132
00:12:23,860 --> 00:12:25,400
Go, security guy, go.
133
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:30,959
I tell you what, why don't you hop up on
here and let's make you a little more
134
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,010
comfortable, huh?
135
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:33,290
There we go.
136
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,260
How about if I give you one, two, well,
let's just start with one.
137
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,240
Okay. Here you go.
138
00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:41,160
You want one? Yeah.
139
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,360
Do not test this until Tuesday.
140
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:57,660
This is 37.
141
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,530
Situation's a little unusual, but I got
it under control.
142
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,280
You're not a stripper, are you?
143
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:05,750
Nope.
144
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:35,450
We should raise a glass of water to
Paige Clark, Matt's lovely new fiancé.
145
00:13:37,740 --> 00:13:42,320
You're a lucky man. Thanks, man. Thanks.
Hey, chug it down. Chug it down.
146
00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:43,790
Chug it down.
147
00:13:43,860 --> 00:13:46,780
Chug it down. Chug it down. Chug it
down. Chug it down.
148
00:13:46,781 --> 00:13:50,879
Chug it down. You know, before I enjoy
this, I think we need to know the story
149
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:54,370
of how you guys met. I mean, the whole
thing, every fascinating detail.
150
00:13:56,060 --> 00:13:57,110
Okay.
151
00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:01,100
1 -15 -96 -13 -21 hours.
152
00:14:02,060 --> 00:14:07,360
1 -15 -96 -13 -21 hours.
153
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:09,360
Light as a feather, invisible.
154
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:10,980
Just use your fingertips.
155
00:14:11,180 --> 00:14:13,720
Good, Lorna. You have to believe, Ellen.
156
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:17,639
I do believe. I believe that you can't
lift people with fingertips. Let's
157
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,930
levitate something lighter like a
magazine.
158
00:14:35,951 --> 00:14:43,259
were, but your father's bursitis started
acting up again, and so he insisted on
159
00:14:43,260 --> 00:14:44,179
coming home.
160
00:14:44,180 --> 00:14:47,339
I'm sorry. I know we're not supposed to
have parties on weeknights, but it's
161
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:50,890
Paige's bachelorette party, and you
weren't home. And besides, I'm 33.
162
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,400
Shoes off table. Sorry.
163
00:14:54,401 --> 00:14:59,339
Hello. You have an adorable little home.
Good for you. How do you do? I'm Lorna
164
00:14:59,340 --> 00:15:04,000
Iron, the first female president of Tri
-Global Pictures in its entire 35 years.
165
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:05,210
Oh, that's nice.
166
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:16,920
right good night now you girls have fun
okay good night good night girls
167
00:16:07,001 --> 00:16:09,299
and it looked like Elvis.
168
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:14,399
It doesn't matter anyway now because I
have my friend and I have a big old jug
169
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:19,440
of hoot and if Matt is out having a wild
time, then so am I.
170
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:26,619
I tried
171
00:16:26,620 --> 00:16:33,419
to explain to her why I wanted this
party, you know, and she just
172
00:16:33,420 --> 00:16:34,470
wouldn't listen.
173
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,680
No. Why?
174
00:16:36,380 --> 00:16:41,499
Why? Because women don't understand us,
man, you know? It's like we're speaking
175
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:42,860
a different language. Yeah.
176
00:16:42,861 --> 00:16:47,059
And then we always feel like we have to
apologize, you know? What are we
177
00:16:47,060 --> 00:16:48,110
apologizing for?
178
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,840
We haven't done anything wrong.
179
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,940
You go, guy.
180
00:18:40,861 --> 00:18:43,059
You're trying to sleep.
181
00:18:43,060 --> 00:18:44,019
Sorry, Daddy.
182
00:18:44,020 --> 00:18:45,160
Sorry. Sorry.
183
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:49,460
You know, you guys are really great.
184
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:51,130
I'm sorry.
185
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:58,919
You know, I never got invited to a
slumber party when I was little. Oh, the
186
00:18:58,920 --> 00:18:59,970
Lorna. No!
187
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:06,659
Everybody just hated me, you know, and
why? You know, a boy jumps the chain of
188
00:19:06,660 --> 00:19:10,860
command to become head hall monitor.
He's a leader. And a girl does it. What?
189
00:19:10,970 --> 00:19:14,510
She's bossy. Oh. I know how you feel.
190
00:19:14,850 --> 00:19:17,870
It's been the same way for me. I feel
like I'm going to hurl.
191
00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:22,730
Okay. Oh, it's their turn. Okay, Paige.
192
00:19:22,950 --> 00:19:24,590
Hi. Truth or dare?
193
00:19:25,050 --> 00:19:26,110
Give me truth.
194
00:19:26,570 --> 00:19:27,620
Okay.
195
00:19:28,190 --> 00:19:31,590
What is the best whoopee that you ever
had besides Matt?
196
00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:33,220
Oh, that's easy.
197
00:19:34,310 --> 00:19:37,090
The VP of marketing. His name is...
198
00:19:37,091 --> 00:19:41,499
Riley, Ed Riley. Riley, I think that's
him, Riley.
199
00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:44,750
I know it is. I've been seeing Ed on and
off for the last three years.
200
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,740
I just became a stay -at -home wife,
didn't I?
201
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,140
You know what you're doing? I know.
202
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:57,080
She's playing the Ed Riley game. Who
slept with Ed Riley? I did.
203
00:19:57,081 --> 00:19:57,979
I did.
204
00:19:57,980 --> 00:19:59,640
Isn't he incredible?
205
00:20:00,540 --> 00:20:03,610
Did he do that thing with you with the
tapioca and the orange?
206
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:20,180
or I'll have to drive each and every one
of you home right now.
207
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,560
I'm out partying.
208
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,220
I don't deserve her.
209
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:00,760
We're not worthy of women.
210
00:21:21,961 --> 00:21:28,629
old, something new, something barred,
something blue will fall victim to the
211
00:21:28,630 --> 00:21:30,370
night. Oh, come on. Forget it, Ellen.
212
00:21:30,570 --> 00:21:31,620
The serpent's a babe.
213
00:21:32,650 --> 00:21:36,200
Besides, nothing's happened so far.
Yeah, nothing has happened to you.
214
00:21:36,890 --> 00:21:40,889
I was the one who got star 69. I thought
the security guy was the stripper. It
215
00:21:40,890 --> 00:21:42,730
was my Elvis on Lorna's butt.
216
00:21:43,850 --> 00:21:45,550
What is going on?
217
00:21:46,610 --> 00:21:47,660
What?
218
00:21:47,661 --> 00:21:51,789
It's my parents' marriage in jeopardy.
Mom, you don't want to do that. Get
219
00:21:51,790 --> 00:21:54,980
Dance with the stripper. Dance with the
stripper. Come here, Mom.
220
00:21:55,670 --> 00:21:57,849
Look, I love you, and I just want...
221
00:21:57,850 --> 00:22:04,310
It's not what it looks like.
222
00:22:09,310 --> 00:22:13,390
Hello. Hi. I need to report my car was
towed from in front of my parents'
223
00:22:14,130 --> 00:22:15,180
It's a Datsun.
224
00:22:15,370 --> 00:22:16,420
What year?
225
00:22:16,421 --> 00:22:18,089
It's old.
226
00:22:18,090 --> 00:22:18,989
I don't know.
227
00:22:18,990 --> 00:22:20,040
But the seats are new.
228
00:22:20,610 --> 00:22:21,660
Yeah, it's not mine.
229
00:22:21,890 --> 00:22:23,130
Yeah, I borrowed it.
230
00:22:23,430 --> 00:22:24,480
It's my cousin's.
231
00:22:25,070 --> 00:22:27,810
What color? It's blue.
232
00:22:27,860 --> 00:22:32,410
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