Original subtitles

So Monday, Matt and I have to do this whole bridal register thing.

I want to register at Williams -Sonoma.

He wants Target.

I mean, that's all I need, right? A 12 -piece setting of Bugs Bunny china and

feet of garden hose.

Oh, Paige, you look just like Cinderella.

Now just suck in that gut.

Hey, look.

I'm Sylvester Stallone's mom.

I love this dress.

It's perfect.

Really? You think that's perfect? I don't know a lot about gowns. I don't,

I mean, don't you think it's a little, just a little, well, a little?

That's because it's a size four.

She's a size six.

Listen, there's no way in hell that I'm going down the aisle in a size six and

have them singing Here Comes the Fat Bride, okay?

Yeah, but you're going to still let them sing Wind Beneath My Fat Wings, huh?

Hey, you know, Paige, I know you've been busy with all this wedding stuff and

everything, but, you know, I was thinking, we don't get to spend time

together anymore.

You know what? That is so true.

Matt and I were just saying the other night, we don't spend enough time with

Ellen.

So, um, Friday.

What about Friday? You want to maybe go see a movie?

Great, yeah.

Oh, Paige, can I try it on after you?

Of course, I'm only a size two, so I'll be swimming on me.

Next week is not good either.

How are you the week after next?

Yeah.

Guess she's busy.

The last thing she needs to hear about is my problems.

Not that I have a lot of problems.

It's just that I have this doctor's appointment.

It's no big deal, really. It's just a routine.

Still a little nervous about it.

Have to have a mammogram.

You ever had a mammogram?

Ma 'am?

Ma 'am?

Oh, my.

Hi there, I'm Ellen, and this is Clea Lewis. She plays Audrey on this show.

Clea's a little upset because people keep confusing her with her character.

Clea is not a busybody. She doesn't always wear pink, as you can see.

And she doesn't have that high, silly voice, do you?

No. See?

There. Everything's okay, isn't it?

Everything's going to be fine.

She's so ticklish.

Great book. I think you're really going to enjoy it.

Thank you.

Bye.

Hey, it's moving coffee. That guy over there, he's on his fourth cappuccino.

This isn't a booby show, okay, Sonny?

Okay, what's up?

I have to have a mammogram.

I mean, I know I'm in my 30s and it's time to do it and it's routine and it

doesn't hurt and every woman should do it. But you're still scared.

Why don't you bring someone with you? You know, just ask Paige.

You know, she loves to sit around and read magazines.

I haven't exactly told Paige. She'll want to bring Matt. Everything is Matt.

Matt, Matt, Matt. And it should be. I mean, she's marrying the guy, but...

You know, I mean, pretty soon they'll have babies and she'll be busy with them

and we'll drift apart like Shirley MacLaine and Anne Bancroft in The

Point and have some fist fight at a ballet recital. Yeah.

Ellen, if you want, I've studied fibrocystic diseases.

I could give you a breast exam if it would put your mind at ease.

Yeah, I think that'd make me feel a lot better.

All right, great. We'll use your office.

Okay. All right. Come on.

No, I don't think so.

Imagine your breath as the face of a clock.

Using just the pads of your fingers, make small circles and move around the

breath. Well, we all wore the same thing. That's embarrassing, huh?

Silicone gel.

implants may interfere with your mammogram.

Did not know that.

Very interesting, a woman giving herself a breast exam.

Anything else on?

Nope, I've been watching for 20 minutes.

It's the breast channel.

All breath, all the time.

Oh, no, no, this is very good. I remember, this is based on a Jane Austen

That's actually, that's Emma Thompson, isn't it right there?

This is just so nerve -wracking. I mean, they should have something to relax you

in here, don't you think? It's like something, an animal, you know, like a

little dog or a whole petting zoo. Because, you know, animals relax you.

take down your blood pressure. And, you know, if you had a little petting zoo, a

couple of bunnies, and maybe just a little chicken, a little baby chicken.

Hello, little baby chicken.

Take your mind off of this, you know.

couldn't have a goat because they eat your clothes you know he's just get away

he's just ripping at you i don't want to pry because you're

obviously a very reserved and private person but what are you so nervous about

oh me i don't know um cancer if you're a dying oh i

just worry if i put my cap back on after i fill up the tank i shouldn't sweat

the stuff you have no control over

I wonder if I put my cap back on now that you're here.

Well, that's very zen of you, but I've got my own theory. Stay nervous, because

the moment you let your guard down, that's when they get you.

I'm Chloe.

Oh, I'm Ellen. Nice to meet you. You too.

So, Ellen, you enjoy being nervous. You're excited about petting zoos. What

do you do? Well, I own a store. We sell books and coffee.

Oh, very hip, very friends.

We were there first.

And you, what do you do?

Well, I'm an artist. I was born in Miami.

Oh, very humid, very gidget.

Actually, South Beach is the cool part. Now I live in the valley with my

boyfriend. There is no cool part, but it's cheap. And I teach a class at

Metalworks on La Brea. Oh, that's interesting.

Hey, I'm Ed Smith.

Okay. I mean, what's the big deal with breasts anyway? They're just glands that

hang. Granted, some hang better than others, but still.

You know, I think I liked it better when I was eight years old and I didn't have

any. My brother Steve and I, you haven't met him yet, we used to, in

the summertime, we'd be running outside. When it was hot, we'd run through the

sprinklers with no shirts on.

And one day my mother, you wouldn't like her, the nervous theory, she came out

with that shirt, a little T -shirt. She said, you put this on, little dearie.

She couldn't remember my name.

And these babies have never seen the sunlight since.

You know, if they told me they found a lump on my ass and wanted to remove a

portion of it, I'd be very, very thrilled, naturally.

But my breath? I'm sorry, you know, you can't have them.

You hear? Wait, oh, hey.

You're not supposed to write on those. That's valuable information for women.

You're...

I'll be right back.

Oh, I'm not ready to go. Does anyone want to go ahead of me? Calm down.

do me a favor. When you get in there, if you get scared, think of every Lucy

episode you've ever seen. It works for me.

Good idea. Okay, um, when William Holden was on and she went to light her

cigarette and she lit her nose on fire instead?

Right on. Now get in there and put him on the glass.

Mr. Mix -a -lot.

You left some things blank.

Did you have chicken pox or not?

I don't remember. I don't think so. I think you did.

A technician will be right with you.

And don't write on anything.

Lucy stomping grave.

Ruthie on lunch with Superman.

That doesn't hurt.

Ow, that hurt. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

You touched my machine.

No. Well, okay, yes, I did. How'd you know? I actually, you know what? I

a soda, and I put some change in. I was waiting for soda to come out. I didn't

realize. Could you just push the button, please?

We have rules around here.

We touch you. You don't touch us. That's a good one.

Let her go, darling. Let her go. She ain't gonna move in a year.

Have you ever had a mammogram before?

No. No, this is my first mammogram. My doctor wants me to get one for some

reason. Maybe you got the kind of hard and lumpy breast you can't feel nothing

in. Oh, no. I don't think she said anything about hard and lumpy breast you

can't feel nothing in.

Well, they may not use that terminology, but that's what they mean.

Some people think it sounds unprofessional, but I say if a woman has

lumpy breasts, than just, they have hard -lucked breasts.

You know what I'm talking about. Yes, praise the Lord. But I think that

not hard. It's not like if you knock them together, you're going to hear

anything.

Well done. I'm going to need you to stand right here.

Now, I need you to drop one side of your robe, and I want you to place your arm

right up here.

Okay?

Now, what I need to do is I need to get all of your breasts in here.

Sometimes they won't go all the way. So what I have to do is push them.

And stuff them until they do.

Okay. There we go. There we go.

That's a lot. Oh, that's not attractive for a breath.

Ah, okay. That's flat.

It gets even flatter, honey.

Don't move.

Don't move.

Stand right there. Don't breathe.

To give him birth to little Ricky, I'm going to need a Vegemin.

Candy on the conveyor belt. Oh, that's my favorite. Where Lucy and Ethel start

throwing the candy in their mouth, popping it in their hat, the conveyor

you saw the salsa.

Well, Paige was supposed to be salsa girl.

Where the heck is Paige? You know, if Chloe were in charge of bringing the

salsa, it'd be here right now.

Hey, you guys.

Oh, hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Actually, I can't stay. Matt and his mom are waiting outside in the car.

Get this.

She wants to meet my mother. So now we all have to take a little drive down to

Betty Ford.

Charming. Maybe leave me some stars there or something. I don't know, shit

that. Here's your salsa.

Enjoy.

Bye.

Hey, this ain't real picante sauce. This stuff's made in New York City.

New York City?

Now that salsa girl went off to marry burrito boy, looks like you're just a

huevo looking for a ranchero.

All right, can the Spanish, we'd all like to know what's going on here.

Now is a really good time for you to call Chloe.

Oh, yeah. I can't just call Chloe up and ask her if she wants to be my friend.

Well... I mean, unless I'm 12.

Well, all right. But you don't call her. Just, you know, you know where she

works, right?

Just go down there and pretend like you just happened to bump into her.

Ellen, I can hold my tongue no longer.

Why is there such a need for a new friend? I mean, look around you. You're

with friends.

Yeah, but I pay you and Joe, and Spence is related, so that doesn't count.

This wasn't such a good idea. Maybe I should have my mom call her mom and set

a play date.

All right, there she is. Go talk to her. That's not Chloe.

I know, but I need friends, too.

You should find Chloe, right? Are you just going to go? Are you going to talk

her? No, I don't want to talk to her. She's going to think I'm weird.

Here she is. Do something. What do you want me to do? Run something.

Okay, a couple of safety basics.

This, hot.

Don't touch.

What are you making?

A sword.

Why?

I'm just going to hide it in my car, you know, in case someone cuts me off on

the freeway.

Chloe?

Isn't she great? Nothing throws her.

Oh, she's the best.

You're talking about Chloe, right?

Yeah, you know her?

Since we were kids, we even went to camp together.

Oh, really?

So how do you know Chloe?

Oh, let's just say we've been through a lot together.

Really? Well, like what?

Oh, let's just say it was a life -threatening situation.

Honey, how life -threatening are we talking about? Because when we were ten,

Chloe pulled me out of a frozen pond, okay?

And what was your supposed life -threatening situation?

I was scared, and she told me to think of Lucy episodes.

Yeah, well...

is that there is not a day that goes by that I don't thank the good Lord for

sending Chloe my way.

Thank you.

She is my very best friend.

She already has a best friend. Oh, so what? So she pulled her out of some

pond. Did she ever play tic -tac -toe with her?

Huh? There you go.

Did you ever play tic -tac -toe with her? All the time. I'm the exes, she's

ohs. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah?

get out of here sure he has a best friend oh ellen hey oh hey boy the

words just pour out of you like cheap wine don't think you want to bring me up

to speed here yeah well you had a best friend all along didn't you what are you

talking about well maybe you have morals like that but i don't my mother raised

me

to have a best friend, I can't have coffee with other people. That's right,

sister. You missed the boat. We're sailing without you.

She'll send you a little postcard. Let's go, Elle.

Wait, you want to have coffee with me? Yes, I do.

I'll have coffee with you. Great, I'll call you.

All right.

I'm in the book.

Buy the book.

Morgan, M -O -R -G -A -N.

Okay. All right.

I'll talk to you later. All right.

Actually, I wasn't done. Ellen, I wasn't done with it.

Ellen's a little anxious. The calm, cool, and collected Chloe is coming for

coffee.

Ellen, don't be nervous.

Making a new friend is as easy as pie.

Just do what I do.

Be yourself, and then latch on and don't let go.

Hey, Chloe, how you doing? Good. Good to see you. This is Audrey and Joe, and

you remember Spence, huh? Yeah, you forgot your sword.

Get in the car quick. I hear traffic's backed up on the 101.

Well, Chloe, we have hogged you long enough.

Now, why don't you two sit there and have some coffee? I'm sure you've got

oodles to catch up on.

Man, it's so great to see you. Yes, I'm really glad we're doing this. Yeah, me

too, me too.

Yum. Very good coffee. Isn't this good? Yeah, Joe makes this just right here.

No, thank you.

Now you want one?

I thought maybe

you'd change your mind.

Those mammograms, how about them, huh? Oh, my.

Nut. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm glad I got it, though.

Yeah, I'm glad it's over. Me, too.

Yeah.

You gonna go back for another one?

Another one what?

Mammogram. Oh.

Five years. Yeah, me, too. Five years from now. Yeah, me, too.

I can't see.

What are they doing?

It does not look good.

Not good like went through a ghost town not good?

Come on, latch, Ellen, latch.

You know, when that nurse said, you two better stop writing on those pamphlets.

That's important information for women.

Remember that? Yeah.

Yeah, because you said it with me. Yeah.

I should go.

Me too. I was just thinking that. I should get back to work.

Because I don't have to go anywhere. I just go here, you know. But anyway, this

was great. Oh, yes. I'm going to call you. Please do.

Let's do it again. Okay, let's do it again. Okay.

Great meeting you guys. Bye. Bye -bye. You take care, all right? Okay, you too.

All right, see you later.

That was a disaster.

Did you offer a biscotti?

What are you doing in here without a robe?

Oh, I just... The office called me. They need a copy of my insurance card. And I

was in the front, so I just came.

I'm not supposed to do that.

But I'll take it up front.

Thank you so much.

Ellen! Chloe, how are you doing? Hi. Hey, you know, I meant to call you. Me

Yeah. So, thank God they wanted to see you again too, huh?

Apparently they're quite fond of these. They want to do a magnification.

Think they saw something.

So... They want to look at yours, too.

Uh, they actually, they just needed a copy of my insurance card.

Oh.

Oh.

It's probably nothing. Yeah, I'm sure. It's just like a calcification or, at

very worst, a mild case of fibroadenosis.

The pamphlets.

Bravo. Yeah.

Okay.

Well.

You know what?

I'm, um, really sorry that...

I was so weird when we had coffee.

No, you know what? You weren't weird at all. It was me. I totally was pushing. I

just had this crazy idea that I needed a runner -up in case my friend Paige

couldn't fulfill her duties as best friend.

It was me.

I'm really, really bad at meeting new people, and sometimes I like to think of

myself as this kind of loner, Georgia O 'Keeffe type in the desert.

The desert, of course, being my crappy Van Nuys apartment.

So, you nervous?

Mm -mm.

Told you I don't get nervous.

Yeah.

Well,

I'm sure you're going to be fine, so... Take care.

Uh, wait a minute.

I spy a pamphlet you have not yet read.

Huh, really? That is unbelievable.

Know your nipple.

And I'd like to, so...

Now, should I read this at home or here?

You know what? They really frown upon that when you leave with the pamphlets.

know it seems like they'd like you to take them because they're in piles by

door, but I think it would really behoove you to do it.

Read them here.

Yep. I'll do that if that's what they want, huh?

Okay. I am exit.

I'll be out.

Lucy gets a sunburn and has to wear a tweed suit.

Lucy, that's the Harpo Marx thing in the mirror.

Lucy gets a yeast infection.

Lucy converts to Judaism and starts a yeshiva.

You know, I didn't see that one.

Ellen, I know that I wasn't there for you before, but I know that this is

for you, and I just want you to know that I'm here for you now. Just don't

me, Paige. I won't. I promise I'll be right here.

Maybe we should add more flowers.

Paige!

her head stuck in a trophy.

Lucy steals John Wayne's footprints from Gromit's Chinese. Yeah.

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