Original subtitles

by the time you

is selecting the right icebreaker.

I think I'll try this one.

Oh, my!

Split pea soup!

I simply adore split pea soup. I cannot tell you how many evenings since my

divorce I've enjoyed a hearty bowl of split pea soup. I've loved it ever since

was a little slip of a thing back home in Chichester. That's a small town just

outside of London. It's really...

I'll meet you at the checkout counter.

Right, dear.

So, can I have your phone number?

John, check out the canned goods on her.

All right,

now, just watch a master at work.

Uh, excuse me?

I'm recently divorced, and, well, um... I'm not used to shopping by myself.

Get used to it.

John, do me a favor. Don't work my aisle.

Ooh.

Hey, sweet dicks.

Any room in your life for a tall, blonde box boy?

Kirk.

Carol.

Well, it's been a long time. Yeah.

Yeah, it really has.

So you're working in a market these days, huh?

Actually, I own the plant.

Really?

Good for you.

What are you doing here?

Shoplifting.

Good, good, good.

Still the mistress of quips, huh?

Well, for your information, I'm just picking up a few odds and ends. You

got a big meeting tonight with my board of directors.

Cut the bullcrap.

You don't have to try to impress me.

I'm not your wife anymore.

Don't you see what I heard? That's Kirk's ex -wife. I can't believe it.

What's going on?

Please, you're just in time.

Kirk with his ex -wife. Kirk's ex -wife. His ex -wife. I'll do. I'll do.

Spying on people.

Aren't you ashamed of yourselves?

Damn right.

Now shut up so we can hear.

Privacy?

Carol,

it's been a real pain running into you. Still bitter, huh?

Me? Bitter?

What are you kidding me?

Best thing that ever happened to me was you walking out that door.

I got more girlfriends now than I did when we were married.

You'll never change, will you, Kirk?

Kirk?

This is your ex -husband?

Yeah, who wants to know?

Kirk, this is Donna.

Not the Donna.

Yes, Kirk, the Donna.

So this is the fraud you dumped me for.

Sir, do me a favor, please. Don't start.

If I live to be a thousand, I will never understand this. What do you see in

this chick?

I am ten times better looking than she is.

Ladies, how come you're so late tonight?

Oh, Louise took the whole group on a field trip to the supermarket.

She thought it would be a great place to meet single people.

Not bad, not bad.

You know what I always do to meet single women?

What? I go to the Museum of Modern Art and stand next to a Picasso.

I figure I gotta be better looking than a guy with three eyes and a guitar in

his stomach.

Not bad.

Anyway, there you go.

It's got a new valve pump, new copper tubing.

And the water's not brown anymore.

So we can drink from it now?

I wouldn't.

Hey. Hello.

Everybody, it's the spellboard. We missed you at the supermarket.

Oh, that's okay. Tom and I straightened out the storeroom. But you missed all

the excitement.

You want to bet?

I can't help wondering what that poor woman must have gone through.

I mean, can you imagine being married to Kirk?

Hey,

everybody.

What? Kirk? I thought you two shared a car.

Yeah, we did. He's down the hall hitting on Terry, the new aerobics instructor.

Okay.

Kirk tell you about his ex -wife. Tell us every wonderful, rotten detail.

Well, actually, there's nothing to tell. Every time I mention her, he changes

the subject.

I wonder why he's being so secretive.

Well, you know, Kirk, he was probably cheating on her.

Now, Kate, we mustn't jump to conclusions.

Oh, come on, Louise. You don't think there was another woman involved?

Do you know something you're not telling us?

No, no, no. Not a thing. Not a bloody thing.

What? Do you think I was snooping?

You were snooping. Thank God.

Oh, this blows juicy right out of the water.

But I can't. Oh, come on, Louise. This is a support group.

We're like a loving, caring family here. If you know something about Kurt, share

it with us. Yeah.

Before we have to hurt you.

Well, I want to tell you, but I mustn't. It was bad enough that I was

eavesdropping, and I knew that was wrong.

But if I told you, that would be even more wrong.

Oh, what the hell? In for a penny, in for a pound.

I could stay home Friday nights and try on bathing suits.

all saw me with my ex -wife, and I'm going to tell you the same thing I told

him. I don't want to talk about her. Oh, come on, Kirk.

There must be something you'd like to tell us about your marriage.

Mr. Tell, uh, we were a couple of kids. She was crazy about me, and we got

hitched.

But we were just too different. You know, she was a vegetarian, and I was

strictly meat and potatoes.

We had absolutely nothing in common.

Well, you both liked women.

We, uh, we know.

Nice.

Nice.

Real nice.

What were you all doing? Spying on me? Oh, come on, Kirk. You know us better

than that.

We were not spying on you.

Louise was.

Great. She's great.

Well, go ahead. Go ahead. Come on. Laugh it up.

I don't care if you won't die laughing. Hey, hey, hey.

It's not going to help me to run away. It's not going to help me. Well, come

Hey, John. Hi, Kirk.

Good to see you.

Yeah. So, Kirk, where you been all week?

How come you didn't show up at the group tonight?

Oh, you know, I'm a busy guy, you know.

How are you?

Yeah. Oh, and like I said, I'm going to be staying here at my buddy's apartment

for another week, so don't be a stranger, all right? Yeah. Kirk, Kirk,

you're okay?

I mean, I thought you might still be upset about our finding out about Carol.

Carol.

Carol.

Your ex -wife.

Oh, that.

No. No.

So my wife left me for a woman and everybody knows about it. Big deal.

aren't you?

Now listen, Kurt, you gotta come back to the group. No way. Everybody down at

that community center is laughing at me. No, they're not.

Will you stop being so paranoid?

Who told you I was paranoid?

It was them, wasn't it? Kurt, Kurt, you're knowing this whole thing about

ex -wife way out of proportion.

Okay, so maybe for a guy like you, a thing like this is a little

A little embarrassing?

A little embarrassing?

Oh, boy.

I got some news for you, pal.

Going out with your fly open is a little embarrassing.

I get the point. But when your wife dumps you for some brawl, that's not

embarrassing.

That's a pain that gnaws away at your gut from the moment you wake up until

moment you go to bed.

My friends found out that Carol was gay. They had a field day. All they ever

heard was, Hey, Sundance!

What happened to Butch?

Look, I know what it's like being made fun of. My ex -wife left me for my best

friend. I was constantly being ridiculed.

How did you deal with it?

Don't you remember?

I told you to shut up.

Well, I would never say shut up to my friends. Well, maybe you should.

You sound like a bunch of morons.

Yeah? Well, those morons were right.

I turned my wife into a womanizer.

Oh, come on, Kirk. I'm crying out loud. You got nothing to do with it.

Look at the facts, John.

Two years with me, I couldn't satisfy her. I turned her off to all men. Kirk,

will you cut it out with this macho garbage?

This is the 90s. People don't think that way anymore.

Oh, yeah, right, John. You talk a real good game, but deep down inside, you're

thinking exactly what everyone else is.

My wife turned gay because I was less than a man.

Did you ever discuss it with her?

John, please.

This is not the kind of thing a guy discusses with his wife.

All right, that's it. Come on, get dressed. We're going down to that

You're going to talk to her. I guarantee she's going to tell you you're wrong

about this. I am not going down there. I'm not even leaving this apartment.

Okay, fine. I give up.

You want to sit around here getting more and more paranoid, imagining that the

entire world is talking about you and laughing at you? That's your business.

If you change your mind, holler. Don't hold your breath.

I'm paranoid.

I'm imagining things.

Kirk Morris.

I'll take sexual inadequacies for a hundred, Alex.

The answer is, unable to satisfy her, his wife had to find a female lover.

Who is Kirk Morris?

Bless you all.

And remember to say a prayer for...

Who is this?

Cinnamon.

Oh, hey, I want to make a very, very special birthday wish today to a friend

mine, Kirk Morris, in New York City. Good old Kirk is 103, and he still

met a woman he can satisfy yet.

There she is. Now just go over and talk to her.

Come on.

Just come with me, John. I can't do this alone. No, Kurt. Come on, just come

with me.

You don't have to say anything. Just stay with me, please. Okay, okay, okay.

If you insist.

Joe?

Kurt.

Oh, I'm John Lacey.

I'm Kirk's friend.

It's important that he talks to you.

What's going on?

Well, Carol, I, uh...

John, do you mind? This is kind of personal.

Carol, why do you want to talk to me?

Um...

I was wondering about your little, uh... gender bender.

Did that have anything to do with my, uh... sexual prowess?

Is that what you think?

I... Well, I guess this is a talk we should have had a long time ago. Yeah,

yeah. Let's just keep our voices down, okay?

But I didn't decide to turn gay.

I mean, it's not like changing your hair color.

I didn't even know I was gay when we got married.

I was taught that you go to school and you meet a man and you settle down.

And that's what I did.

No questions asked.

And then one day I met Donna.

And I just started getting these feelings that I'd never gotten for any

I was falling in love.

So...

You mean your leaving really had nothing to do with me?

Well, in a way it did.

I knew it!

Kirk, if you had been some sensitive, caring guy, I might not have had the

courage to walk out and become who I really was.

But because you were such a sleazy, obnoxious jerk, you made it easy.

I did?

Your mother in Minnesota was relieved when I left you.

So, let me see if I got this straight.

The only way it had anything to do with me was not because I was a lousy lover,

but because I was a sleazy jerk?

Exactly. Yes!

John, come here!

What's going on? I was wrong. It had nothing to do with us in the sack. Well,

you see, that's what I was trying to tell you.

So you're okay?

I'm great.

I'm great.

Carol, I want you to know, I hope you and Donna are really

happy together.

I'm really touched.

I mean, I always show it, but deep down inside, I really believe that people

have the right to live their lives any way they want to.

After all, this is the 90s, right?

Come on, John.

I cannot tell you how

proud I am of you right now. I mean, you took a big step today.

Kirk, Don and I are getting married on Sunday.

Well, I thought maybe you'd like to attend the ceremony.

What are you, out of your mind?

Right, like I'm going to be seen at a whole wedding.

Howdy, I'm Arlo Weed, and I just moved to Baltimore to live with my long -lost

sister, Rachel.

I'm the long -lost Sister Rachel, and I may leave Baltimore for the same reason.

We're flesh and blood, premiering next.

Then it's a one -hour comedy salute to Michael Jordan with Billy Crystal, Spike

Lee, Fresh Prince, Will Smith, Jane Curtin, and more, tonight on NBC.