All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S04E05.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

I think it's great that
they let a guy

with a head injury
have his own show,

but it's not really fair
on his guests.

Why are you working
on a Sunday?

'Cause if I
finish this today,

then I can be home for dinner
tomorrow night.

God.

Seriously,

when's it all gonna stop
being such a slog?

Shit.

Oh, I forgot to say

Mrs. Hammond's
retiring next week.

Really?

She wants to spend more time
with her grandchildren.

Poor fuckers.

With this new bloke
taking over from her,

it's making me anxious.

Why? I thought you
hated Hammond.

Yeah, but at least I knew
where I was with her.

What if the new guy
doesn't get me?

My teaching style?

You know?
I'm pretty maverick.

Okay, captain, my captain.

I've gotta get her
a leaving gift as well,
for God's sake.

What about, like,
a tasteful sex toy?

Oh, right, so like a--

Like a Waterford
crystal dildo?

I mean, don't go crazy,
but maybe...

antique nipple clamps?

Frankie just heard that.

Great.
Now we don't have to have
the nipple clamp talk.

- Can we interrupt you?
- Oh, yeah.

I was just checking out
the pricing on--

Rob, this is James Cohen.

He's just taken over
from Anthony Tillman

as global Chief
Operating Officer.

Good to meet you
in person, Rob.

Good to meet you, too.

James is just here on
a whirlwind visit

on his way to
the Geneva office.

Ah, not such a whirlwind.
I'll be here for a week or two.

I've been hearing
really good things
about you, Rob.

Or rather, I haven't heard
anything bad.

And that's good.

Yeah, once they took
the vending machine

out of the employee kitchen,

I became a lot more
productive.

- Uh--
- Oh, yes, we have to
get down to research.

- Shall we catch up later?
- Okay.

Uh, hey make sure you close
the double doors when you enter.

Those guys are
afraid of sunlight.

And, uh, keep an eye
on your wallet.

There's been some incidences
of theft down there.

Really?

No, that was also a joke.

Oh...

I know the world has
changed a great deal

even since I first
entered the school.

We didn't have
hand sanitizers,

or blogs.

We had powdered soup.
And diaries.

Caleb, maybe one day
you'll invent

the next way
to clean your hands

with perhaps a vapor,
or even a microchip.

Wouldn't that be something?

Oh, my God,
she's lost her mind.

Now, would you please give
a warm Kingscote Primary
welcome

to your new headmaster,
my esteemed successor,

Mr. Maxwell.

Thank you,
Mrs. Hammond,

and thank you to the choir
for that touching rendition

of "Umbrella."

When the sun shines,
we do all shine together.

Shush!

What'd you think?

I think we can break him.

Did you see he was wearing
a braided leather belt?

Tells you
all you need to know.

I see we have
another case of the giggles.

Mr. Maxwell,
this is Miss Norris,
and Miss Niles.

They're always laughing
at something or other.

I gave up
trying to find out what
a long time ago.

But as it's my last week,
I don't mind saying

I've always found it
extremely annoying.

Oh, well, I'm
a terminally unfunny man,

so I'm always grateful to have
someone lighten the mood.

- Shall we go to my office?
- Let's.

They're off to do
the head teacher
hand over ritual now.

What's that?

She squirts some
milk of knowledge
out of her tits,

and then he rubs it all over
his face and chest.

Now, when I look at
a map of Europe,

I think of Napoleon,

and all he was
able to achieve.

I can't help but wonder,

why aren't we
making more inroads into
certain territories?

Now, I know you guys can get
people from the Baltics,
for example,

to start gobbling up
more dualoxitene.

Anybody ever been there?

Well, the chicks are hot,

but otherwise,
it fuckin' sucks.

You've got people
committing suicide
for lunch up there.

We should be moving
truckloads of the stuff.

Truckloads!

Just to follow up on
the Baltic idea,

- this is something Rob and I--
- Uh, Harita,

I've gotta bounce.

So, yeah, you take over.
Okay?

So--

Can I give you my BMW?

Sure. Can I sell it?

Fucking drive it off a cliff,
I don't care.

Then, yeah. Why are you
getting rid of your car?

Well, I just need to
start downsizing

in case we wind up
pulling the trigger
on New Zealand.

What are Catherine's
thoughts on all this?

Uh, mixed bag.

I think she'll
come around, though.

Oh! I gotta go.

I just got a DM
from Eric Trump.

Ugh!

Oh, hey, James.
What can I do for you?

Rob, my wife
flies in tomorrow,

for some reason.

Would you and your wife
or husband--

I don't want to make
assumptions--

- I-- I have a female wife.
- Would you like to bring

your female wife
to dinner with us?

There's one of those
hoof to snout restaurants
in Knightsbridge.

Do you eat that stuff?

Oh, sure.
I'll eat a face.

What are you two
conspiring about?

Oh, dinner tomorrow night.
My wife's in town.

Oh.

Well, let me know the details
of where and when,

and I'll see if my boyfriend
can come along, too.

I'm gonna bet you
500 bucks

that her boyfriend
has pierced nipples.

- How will we find out?
- Leave that to me.

Hey.
Good news about syphilis
in the Netherlands.

I know.
I'm psyched!

How's it going there?

Yeah. Good. Good.

And what is this?

Uh, well,
that's just some sh--

um, stuff that I bring in to
show them I was a person once.

Oh...

That's me at a school,
uh, disco thing,

grade one
guitar certificate.

That's me and Nick Rhodes.

From Duran Duran.

♪ Girls on film ♪

Oh...

First album I ever bought.

Yeah, I remember
the first teacher of mine

I thought of as
a human being.

I saw her crying on
the top deck of a bus

on her way home one day.

And for the first time
I saw her not as a teacher,

but as a woman,
with feelings.

Oh. Well, that's--

But then we found out that
she'd been having an affair

with a 17 year old boy
in 6th form.

Can you call it an affair?

Is it relationship?

I mean, couldn't she have
waited one more year?

Yeah. Yeah, or she could have
looked into dating a man

from her own generation.

Yes. I feel the same way.

Right. I'll leave you
to your work.

Okay.

What the fuck is that?

What did it smell like?

I didn't stick my nose in it.

Well, I mean,
I doubt it's anything.

It-- It would have had to
penetrate trousers,

and that cotton underwear.

Unless he wears silk ones,

in which case
he's a real pervert.

Oh, okay, so I imagined it.

No, but, you know,
if you didn't,

then he made
a multiple fabric
blast through,

which is unlikely
unless he's Superman.

Look, a man,

a man in
a powerful position,

left a moisture patch
on my desk.

I don't feel comfortable
with that.

Okay, uh, what are you
gonna do about it?

I don't know.
Be angry.

Nothing.

I think those are both
great choices.

Oh, uh, we've been
invited to a dinner

with the big Braeband boss
and his wife.

We've been invited?

- Me, too?
- Yes.

Oh, God. Really?

When?

I hate work dinners.

You've never been to one.

I've literally
never once asked you to
come to a work dinner.

What will they want from me?

I don't know,
you're wife-like presence.

Yeah, but should I be chatty,
like Michelle Obama,

or should I be more like
Jackie Kennedy?

You know, like don't say much,
but when I do say something,

really make it count.

Like slag off the queen.

I think I'm gonna say
you can't make it.

Aww.

I wrote you a text
saying I missed you,

and I saw the three dots
and then nothing.

What were you gonna say?
Don't three dots me.

Well, I was
texting you back

I miss you too,

then I realized I didn't.

So I stopped.

Come on, Fran,
we were having fun.

Yes, but that's all
we were having.

What's wrong with that?

I don't know.

I was looking at
Chris and his girlfriend
the other night.

They were smiling,
and they were laughing,

and I realized that
you don't make me laugh.

You make me grunt sometimes,

and you made me meow
that one time.

But I'm sorry

I don't want
the Poundland version
of what they have.

Not what I expected to hear,
but it's your prerogative.

Other women your age
would be happy to have

a man make them
cum their tits off
on a Wednesday night

instead of watching
"Countryfile,"

but... such la vie.

Enjoy being alone.

And, uh,
I didn't make you meow.

I made you oink.
Like a pig.

This is the attendance file
for year five.

Ah, thank you. That's
tonight's entertainment sorted.

Yeah.

That's a lovely blouse.

Oh! Thanks.

Yeah, not everyone
could get away with
a blouse like that.

Kate Winslet, maybe.

- Laura Linney.
- Right.

Thank you.

Um, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Of course.
Grab a pew.

Um...

this is a bit
uncomfortable,

but I'm--
I'm just gonna say it.

Uh, it-- it's good to say
what you think. Right?

Instead of-- Yeah,
bottling it up--

I used to do that
but then, um,
I developed alopecia.

I mean, it all grew back
apart from one of my arm--

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Okay, well,
now I'm intrigued.

Mm-hm.

So when you were in
my classroom the other day,

I don't know if you remember,
you sat on my desk.

And, uh, when you got up,
there was this...

substance--
When you got up from my desk,

you left a wet patch behind,
and, uh--

I mean, I'm not
implying anything,
but I'm just--

Did you notice it or...

Well, I'm glad you asked.

Because I was wondering
what was on my trousers

when I came back from
your classroom.

Oh! Really?

- Yes.
- Oh!

So you-- you don't--

Okay. Well, um...

I think--
I mean, that's--

I'd better, um--
There's a big tray of
Rice Crispy cakes

in the staff room for
Tess Smith's birthday

if you, you know,
if you wanted--

If that's your jam.

Yumsters.

I think I'm
a pretty good judge
of character.

You know, you have to be
in my job,

and something about him
just says to me,

"I made the stain."

And I-- I can handle it.
You know?

But what if I
let it lie and he--

I don't know,
kidnaps a student.

You know,
if you see something,
say something. Right?

What do you think?

What do I think about what?

Doesn't matter.
What do you think?

I think that's
Reese Witherspoon.

- What?
- At the table
by the stairs.

Is that Reese Witherspoon?

No.

I think it is.
Excuse me.

You know, Rob,
I can see that you have
a vision

of how to run Braeband.

But you need room to do it.
Am I right?

Well, uh, yeah,
I mean, I uh--

And I have a vision of you
unshackled and free to excel.

Is that crazy?

I've heard crazier things.

But you catch
my drift, right?

James, I wonder if you heard
we got the results from

the isithromycine trials
through.

- Quite interesting.
- Well, you know what's
more interesting?

They have two different types
of chocolate mousse here.

Well, one's more of a cake,

but I'm gonna
get 'em both.

What do you say, guys?

Shall we get a few
for the table? Huh?

Mr. Harita.

Jeffrey!

"Jane the Virgin."

Jeffrey!

Jeffrey.

Hey. Um, Jeffrey's asleep.

Listen,
are you around tomorrow?

I think he's
ready to come home.

Oh.
Is the coast clear?

Sorry?

- Harita.
- Oh, yeah, no, she's gone.

Oh, I guess she had to get
her Tinder date

back to the orphanage
before midnight.

Sharon,
great to meet you.

Mm-hm.

Home slice,
I'm gonna see you
at the office.

- Alrighty.
- All right.

What?

- What was all that about?
- All what?

You were like
a human laugh track

for every mean thing
he said about Harita.

Look, he's my boss.

I mean, actually,
he's my boss' boss.

And it was a joke.
And it was funny!

It wasn't funny.
It's bullying.

Look, you don't have to
worry about Harita.

She could eat the two of us
for breakfast.

No, fuck that!

Seriously, I'm fed up
with this shit!

Fed up with men just
rubbin' their old balls
on our desks,

and, you know,
ordering chocolate mousse
for everyone.

You know,
you didn't even try
the second one,

- and it was delicious.
- Oh, who cares?

Honestly, I've seen you
be shitty before,

but I've never seen you
be so... small.

Jesus,
it doesn't suit you.

What are you doing?

Well, I thought you were--

I just felt like
slamming the door. Get in.

- Hey!
- Hey.

Where's Daphne?

Oh, she's with my mum.
Come here. Sit down.

Do you want some
peach smoothie?

- I made extra.
- Sure.

Oh, wow!

Did you get these peaches
from our tree?

We don't have
a peach tree.

- We--
- So, listen.

Um, if you find yourself
getting...

upset over
the next few minutes,

just... take a deep breath.
Okay?

- Why would I--
- We're leaving.

Is this because of
New Zealand?

No, New Zealand is a symptom,
you're the problem.

You're not God.
You can't make us safer.

Could still get meningitis or
hit by a car in New Zealand.

You need to
sort yourself out, Dave.

Okay, I-- I-- I'm gonna--
I'm gonna take a breath now.

I am doing this for us.

Okay?

For our futures.

I am trying to be
a good father.

That's not how you parent.

You parent by
reading Daphne a book

about fucking ducklings,

not by stocking a bunker
with two tons of rice.

Yeah, well, maybe I love
differently than you do.

Okay, Dave.

Can just you go
and let Daphne stay?

I didn't mean that.

I'm-- I'm sorry.
Catherine!

Ow.

Oh, God.

I've explained to
Mrs. Decker

what you came in to
talk to me about the other day,

and I've also informed her
about the report back from
maintenance

regarding the leakage
from the ceiling,

which, thankfully, explains
the moisture patch on your desk.

And, indeed, my trousers.

- Yeah.
- So,

I just wanted to check that
everything made sense to you,

and that you felt
we had closure.

Yeah.

I-- Yeah.

I feel, um--

I'm sorry about...

but, um... yeah.

And, well--

No.

Um, I mean,
that's fine about,
you know, the patch,

the-- the moisture patch,
that's all--

I mean, that's--
that's clear.

But I just think
there was a shortcut

to avoiding all of this,
and that's...

don't sit on my desk.

Because, uh-- I mean,
I'm not crazy.

If you hadn't sat on my desk
and I saw the moisture patch,

I-- I never would have thought
it had anything to do with you.

Because, um--
Well, my desk is a desk.

You know?
It's not a chair.

So, uh, all good now?

Oh, and, um...

don't feel like
you need to tell me
my blouse is nice,

because, I mean, thank you,
but I know it's nice.

You know?
I got it at Whistles.

And the whole,
you know,

not many people
could pull that off thing--

comment--
it just made me feel

a little bit--
That's all.

But, uh, I'm glad
you summoned me.

So, yeah.
I think now we do have
closure on the matter.

Yeah.

I make my own
career decisions.

Okay?

I just want you to be
my mum, not my manager.

Of course.

Thank you.

Uh, shall I take that?

Well, I, um--
I don't know.

That's my bag.

You can say no, um,
but I was thinkin' that...

maybe-- maybe me and Jeffrey
come as a package.

And I know you're
still with Douglas--

I broke up with Douglas.

Me, too.

I mean, with Tanya.

We might not have been
Romeo and Juliet, Fran,

but at least we were...

Bull Durham and...

you know, whoever
Susan Sarandon played.

When I saw you
at the party,

you looked so beautiful.

And when I made you laugh,

it made me want to be
your husband again
so fuckin' badly

that I had no choice but to
beat the shit out of my dick
when I got home.

I thought I'd have to go
to the hospital.

I practically
yanked it off.

Um... how is it now,
is it... better?

No, it's still
pretty messed up.

Mm...

Well,
you better come in then.

Rob, we'd like to offer you
SVP of European sales.

We think you've got
the goods.

And you know what?

You're not a foot soldier.
You're a general.

Or a colonel.
I'm the general.

Oh, wow.

Well, I don't know
what to say,

other than, number one,
thank you.

Uh, but then, 1-A,
that's Harita's job.

Mm, well,
as far as I can see,

there's nothing she can do
that you can't do.

And besides,
I like you.

I like you, too.

Uh, but where does that
leave Harita?

She's out, she's gone.

Does she know she's gone?

Not yet.

Is that
Johnny Squirtypants?

Don't look at him.
Just keep walking.

I think this is gonna be
my last year at Kingscote.

I'll find another school.

I might go to bed
for six months, maybe.

You know?

Do a bit of embroidery.

Is that okay?
I'm really tired.

Well, before you
climb under the duvet,

I have some news.

James offered me
a promotion today.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Harita's job.

Oh, my God.

Fucking hell.

Those bastards.
What'd you say to him?

Well, I told him I'd
have to think about it,

but then,
on the way over here,

I was thinking about what
you said the other night

about Harita and men
sitting on women's desks,

and I thought,
I don't want to be
that person.

So I called him back
and told him

I wasn't gonna do Harita
like that,

and I turned it down.

Right. Right.

Well, I'm proud of you.

That's great.

You should be
proud of you, too.

You know, you let them know
they wronged Harita,

and-- and you have
a problem with that.

That's great.
You said your piece.

I guess I did.

And tomorrow...

you know,
maybe tonight,

if you can get them
on the phone,

you-- you tell them
you've had a think,

and, you know,
you're ready for this.

You're-- You're ready
to lead the company

in a bold new, just,
blah, blah, blah.

I mean, I'm not gonna
put words in your mouth.

You'll figure it out.

What?

I turned it down
because of you.

Because of
what you said.

I thought you'd be
proud of me.

I am proud of y--

I just said I was
proud of you.

I just don't think we can
afford to be idealistic

with our mortgage
and credit card debt,

and, you know, you said
you want to get your--

your teeth whitened.

Okay.

Oh.

Don't be all...

Come on.
You're the best.

We'll be grand.