All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S04E03.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

- Aww.
- What?

Sort of miss
the neck brace.

It was like
a powerful turtleneck.

You looked like Robert Redford
in "The Way We Were."

Well, should I get
a cravat?

Well, you can't just go
from brace to nothing.

So, all good?

Yeah, I got the all clear.

Got the clean
full bill of health.

You know, she even said
that my weight loss

has made my penis
look bigger.

Did you tell her about
the bed sweats?

Yeah, she wasn't
worried about that.

Really?

Did you tell her how
it soaks the whole bed now?

Does she not think
that's weird and gross?

She didn't use
those words.

Did you show her
the brown thing that
just grew on your leg?

Uh, first of all,
it's beige,

and does it bother you that
I've been declared healthy?

No, it doesn't bother me
that you're healthy.

It's great.

It's just interesting that
you could spend 40 years

inhaling sausage rolls

and get rewarded with
a clean bill of health.

That's, you know,
well, good for you.

Well, you should get
a check up.

I'm fine.

Well, how do you know?
I mean, you look fine,

but it could be
a mess in there.

What are you laughing at?

No, I was just thinking,
you know,

one day, each of us
is gonna go to the doctor,

and be told, "I have
extremely bad news."

Jesus Christ!

You know, I think I'm gonna
train for a 10k.

Do you want to join me?

- No.
- Why?

You fart when you run.

Well, if you ran faster,

then you wouldn't have to
huff 'em, slowpoke.

Slowpoke?
Oh, my God.

I totally run
faster than you.

Mm, no, you don't.

This is ridiculous!

This is silly.

I'm wearing heels.

And carrying a bag.

I wasn't even trying.

Now I'm trying!

I had no idea
I was so healthy.

I'm thinking about competing
in a Masters tournament
or something.

I don't think you qualify
for Masters tournaments

just by being old.

I think you also have to be
good at sport.

Well, their loss.

I had the full
check up myself

a few weeks back.

Tanya wants to start
trying for a baby.

I figured if
I do it right now,
immediately,

then there's probably
just enough time for me

to watch it grow up
before I run out of steam.

If there's any hiccups,
I'm fucked.

Wow. Now,
why would you do that?

'Cause she wants a baby.

I already tried to tell her
to do it with somebody younger,

but she likes me.

And, you know,
she's got a good career,

and her folks have money,
so, you know,

if I get Alzheimer's
or assassinated,

then her and the wee one
should be all set.

Mm, you really
thought this through.

Plus, Tanya's on board for
all my sexual proclivities,

and that is not a given
for every woman I meet.

Tell me about it.

Dave and I'll start
a prayer circle for you.

No, no.
I support older dads.

I mean, I'm in my late 40s.
I've just had a baby.

I know I'm not
as old as you, but--

I'm the same age as you, asshole.

Really?

Oh! Hey.
That reminds me.

I've got something
to show you.

Is that what we're
eating right now?

No. That is
Mr. Barnaby Honeypot.

Daphne's new pony.

Did you ride it here?

Is it tied to
a post out front?

No. It's on our farm.

Oh! We bought a farm.
In Kent. Yeah.

I bought it because
I don't want Daphne

getting stabbed to death
in London.

I'm such a dad now.

Actually, we're going down
this weekend.

You guys want to come?
You can bring the kids.

- Fuck yeah.
- I can't this weekend.

Tanya and I are
taking some mushrooms

and going to
a Renaissance fair
in Norfolk.

What?

I mean,
I feel pretty healthy.

I feel good.

Except for
the peeing myself thing.

I mean,
it used to just happen
when I was trampolining,

and now it's just whenever.

As needed.

Is there anything
we could do about that?

God, no.
We're probably closer
to curing cancer

than figuring out
how the hell mothers not pee
when they don't want to.

Oh.

So, we've got
your tests back.

I'm afraid your
cholesterol level

is quite high
for a woman your age.

You sure?
My cholesterol feels fine.

Also, your bloods are
indicating a high level of fat

around your organs.

Uh, and I have to say,
your mobility isn't great.

What?
What does that mean?

Uh, you couldn't
touch your toes earlier.

Some people
just can't do that.

I mean, it's like
wiggling your ears.
Or moon walking.

But the good news is,
your weight is within

the healthy limit
for your age and height.

So you're saying
the package is the right size,

but what's inside the package
is just shit.

- No.
- You're saying if you took
a normal size mannequin

and filled it with
meatballs and margarine,

- that'd be me.
- That's not what I'm saying.

Well, medically,
that is exactly
what you're saying.

Fine.

Just never
thought of myself

as unhealthy before,
'cause I'm, you know,
a runner.

How are you a runner?

I used to run
cross-country at uni.

Yeah, I mean,
I used to build pillow forts,

that doesn't mean I'm
currently an architect.

Yeah, but...
muscle memory.

Hey.

- Are you going raving?
- No, running.

Oh, what, so I'm babysitting
so you can go running?

- Yeah.
- Fair enough.

You know,
you should be careful.

My Uncle Kevin, right,
he started running when
he was your age,

like 60 or whatever,

he did one run and
collapsed and died.

Well, that's unlikely
to happen.

Older people are better off
standing still, I think.

Like, you get to a certain age,
and you start exercising,

you shake bad stuff loose
and it gets in your bloodstream,

and it poison's ya,

and you just drop dead
straightaway.

Okay, see you about
half-seven, Anna.

Thank you.

How far was that?

- Uh, 2.3 miles.
- What?

- Miles.
- Yeah.

Wow, bloody hell.

- That's good.
- Yeah.

We're gonna tube
back there, right?

Oh, yeah.

That's so fuckin'
dangerous.

What if a kid ran out?

Tell 'em to slow down.

Slow down.

Ahh! Ahh!

- Ohh!
- What the hell just happened?

Oh, God, my eyes!

Oh, my God,
it's acid.

What? Rob.

- Oh, God! Oh!
- Rob!

Oh, wait.

It tastes like juice.

It-- No, it's ju--
It's just juice.

Ahh.

Bloody hell!
That was a bit dramatic.

Oh, really?

Well, you didn't just have
acidic juice shot in your face!

Fuckin' hell.

You want to start
running with me?

Not really. Why?

Because I've got
fatty organs.

And Rob won't run
with me anymore

'cause he's scared of London.

I don't want to join a gym
because of the mirrors.

- And the people.
- Oh, and the smell.

It's like
every breath you take

has wiggled its way through
20 pairs of sweaty buttocks.

Do you want to come to
Military Fitness
in the park with me?

Yeah, yeah, sure,
how do I do that--

Fran, I'll call you back, okay?

What's up?
Are you all right?

I'm just calling to check
that you're okay.

- Have you seen the news?
- No. Why?

There was an incident in town.

A guy drove a car into
a crowd of people

in front of the M&M store.

No, that was me.

I wanted some M&Ms
and I forgot my purse.

Honey, a guy died. Okay?
There was a stampede.

It's very upsetting.

Yeah, I'll tell you
what's upsetting

is you thought I was
at the M&M store.

All right, well,
just stay away from
that whole area.

What about
Kinder Egg Village.

Can I go there?

Fuck.

Same time next week?

See you then.

Goodbye, Douglas.

Don't say my name.

Welcome to paradise!

Wow.

Through here we have
the, uh, kitchen garden.

Every vegetable
you could ever need--

uh, carrots...

baby carrots,
purple carrots.

Cool.

And this is what
sealed the deal

when we were
viewing the place.

- A sewer?
- No, man.

It's a bunker.

You want to get in?

Uh, no. I try never
to go in holes.

Caves, holes, tubes.
Not really my scene.

Well, you might want to
think about it

with the state of
the world these days.

I mean,
if you have a family,

you really should have
a bunker.

It's something to consider.

We're not getting
a bunker.

So, do you have Daphne
stuck to you all the time?

- Sure.
- How do you shower?

Oh, I have
a waterproof one.

Dave's a very
involved parent.

There's really
not much for me to do

outside of flopping out
the odd tit.

Hey,
it is a pleasure,

and a privilege.

I love being a dad.

It is the highest high
of all, am I right?

I don't know, I mean,
I feel like having kids

is like
strapping yourself to
a Formula One race car.

You know? Boom.
Your life is over.

But not in a bad way.

Yeah, you just have to take
everything you ever wanted,

and put it in a box
because... you never...

But, yeah, it's great.
You know.

So, you think
this could become, like,
a permanent move?

- Oh, yeah.
- No.

Well, I-- I don't know,
I-- I don't know if I want

Daphne growing up in London.

I mean, you slip on
a banana peel there,

go to the emergency room,

takes you six hours
to get seen because of

all the knife victims
lying around

bleeding out
all over the floors.

Everyone at this table,
including you,

knows that's not true.

I don't know.

I mean,
when I was attacked--

With juice.

With what we now know
was juice--

Well, we figured it out
pretty fast.

All right, well,
outside I was screaming,

but inside
I was just, like,

"all right, now this."
You know?

It's like there's
this low level feeling
of menace there that,

you know, we've all
gotten used to,

but that
I never really noticed
before the attack.

It was juice!

Look, I don't care
if my face gets melted,

- you know, I'm married--
- Hang on, I--

I care if
your face gets melted.
I have to look at you.

Well, no,
all I'm saying is

I care more if our kids faces
get melted. You know?

I don't want my kids' faces
to get melted.

That's all I'm saying.

Why'd you buy
a baby a pony?

Wha--

So, Chris and
the buxom ingénue

went away for the weekend.

Jeffrey chose to stay with
his friend Toby instead of me,

which I find devastating.

- Hm.
- So that's something

you've got to
look forward to

when your kids get older,

and they throw you out
in the rubbish

with the coffee grounds
and the fish heads.

He'll come back to you.

It's probably just
a phase, right?

Yeah. Anyway,

got my volunteer work.

Got my loom.

Douglas is
keeping me occupied.

Texting me
like an eager puppy

since we started
our little game.

Puppy with a throbbing
human penis.

Oh, Jesus, Fran!

Good job. Good job.

It's a little bit
"Apple Tree Yard,"
isn't it?

So?

The sex is like, mmh!

Everything about him,
I mean, physically, is just--

Even his scrotum's
attractive.

How can you say that?

The scrotum's
a design flaw.

You ask ten women
what the worst thing

they ever saw
in their life was,

for eight of them,
it would be scrotum related.

Well, I like what I like.
I don't follow the herd.

All right, girls,
we're not here to talk.

Green 12, squat jumps
the length of the cones.

Green seven,
you can skip.

Engage your core
while you skip.

- What?
- Engage your core.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Flex it!

- Tighten it!
- I am!

Fucking hell!

Can you make it
harder than that?

- No!
- Okay.

Green 12,
you can start skipping.

Green seven, burpies.

What are you doing?
Why are you taking photos?

For our Facebook page.

Well, hang on.
Just let me--

Okay.

His face was blurry

'cause he was on a mo-ped,

and, you know,
I had juice in my eyes.

- Right.
- Yeah.

And I don't want to sound
bigoted, but he was brown.

Um, Mediterranean brown,
not like Muslim brown.

Um, I mean, I can't say
that he wasn't Muslim,

but I don't care.
You know, that's not my angle.

Um, is there
a statute of limitations

for a crime like this?

Well, I'm more comfortable
calling it a prank.

All right, well, whatever
you want to file it under.

Uh, I think I'm gonna
file it under juice.

It was juice this time.

I mean, I think
it could have been
a rehearsal.

Uh, you know,
pre-calculated.

I think it might have been
a rehearsal for a bigger plan.

You know,
they did that for 9/11.

Do you work in security?

No. Pharmaceuticals.

Hey.

What are you doing?

I just saw one of those guys
from the house next door

that you were worried about.

What guys?

When was I worried
about them?

Don't you think there's
something up with them?

I mean, who are they?

It's a gang of guys
living together.

- They're not gay.
- How do you know
they're not gay?

I've never seen 'em do
one gay thing.

Have you ever seen 'em kiss?

Have they ever seen us kiss?

Okay, here's the thing.

They come and they go.

They have that bright
fluorescent light on
all the time.

Okay, tell me what it is
you think they're doing
in there.

I've narrowed it down
to two possibilities.

Okay? It's either
a weed farm house,

or they're making weapons.

Oh, my God!

You need to stop this.

We have to be vigilant.

I reported my attack today
to the police,

and they didn't seem to
take it seriously at all.

No shit.

You know, we should think about
something like Dave set up.

I mean, obviously,
a bunker's insane,

but maybe a panic room.

And, not--
not a full panic room,

but maybe some
Kevlar curtains,

and, uh, you know,
sound proofing.

- Oh, my God!
- What?

Jesus, that pisses me off!

Look at the state of me.

You look fine.

Oh, great. Great.

Now I can never trust
anything you say ever again.

What the f--

What's a Baba Yaga?

It's like a Russian
folklore monster.

It's a thing that lives in
the woods and eats kids.

Why are you reading about
Baba Yaga?

I'm not, I'm reading a comment
under a picture of me.

Why am I purple?

Someone put
a purple filter on me.

Oh, come on.

- Hey, buddy, you're back.
- Hey, Dad.

Hi, Jeffrey.

Yo.

If you're hungry,
there's Haloumi burgers here.

No, thanks,
I've eaten my Haloumi
for the year.

How was the show?

My friend LeVar
saw it tonight,

he said it was terrific.

Really?

Well, we had to use
two understudies,

and one of them improvised
the entire second act.

And it tanked.

So who's full of shit,
you or LeVar?

Jeffrey.

I'm going to bed.

That was rude.

Look, I'm sorry
things are...

different.

I'm sorry your mom
and I split up,

but we were unhappy,

and we didn't want you
to be around that.

I was fine.

And you guys
might have been miserable,

but at least you were
miserable in one place,

our home.

Now you're just
miserable in two places.

- I'm not miserable.
- Well, you will be,

because there's no way that
that is gonna last.

She'll get bored of having
an old man boyfriend,

and leave you, and then
you'll go running back to mom,

and she won't take you back,

and the next thing you know,
you'll be 50, bald, and alone.

I'm gonna be 50 in November.

How am I gonna go bald
that fast?

Are you gonna hold me down
and shave my head?

I mean, I know you're angry,
but I will press charges,

don't you fuckin' think
that I won't.

Come here.

Doin' great.
Good job.

I think, Green 10, if
for the rest of the day,

you want to join
the beginners?

All right.
Got a blue bib.

I'm not a beginner
at working out.

I'm gonna stay with
my friend.

Okay, but it's not about
killing yourself, though.

It's about doing your best,
working up a sweat,

having fun.

I'm not here to have fun.

I'm here to get rid of
the fat around my organs,

and I'm not joining
beginners. Okay?

That's humiliating.

You puked behind
the tree earlier.

Let's just see how you
get on at a lighter pace.

All right?
We don't want you
having a heart attack.

Fuck this.

Seriously.

Fuck... this
pretend army bullshit!

Let's go, Fran.

I've paid for
a block of classes,
so I'll be staying.

And you know what?

You can take down those photos

that you put up of me
on your website,

because I did not
agree to those.

- You posed for 'em.
- Yeah.

Because I didn't know you'd be
using them to humiliate me.

Did I? Manipulating them,
putting joke filters on there.

I didn't put filters on 'em.

Well, somebody put some
sort of purple filter on there.

Okay? Like,
ha, ha, ha.

Look at this idiot
getting ready to have
a heart attack.

Look, I know
this is tough, okay?

But that's what
we're here for.

You can do this.

Six weeks ago, Suzie was in
the same shape as you.

Look at her now.

Will you take
the photos down?

Will you at least
disable comments?

Called my mum yesterday.

She told me two of my aunties
died of heart disease.

Well, you're Irish,
so what do you have,

like, 85 aunts?

If only two of 'em
died of heart disease,

that's pretty good.

Yeah,
but what about my dad?

He died young.

Well, honey,
he-- he was 70.

That is-- 70,
that's nothing these days.

It's like dying
in your 40s.

My parents had me
in their 30s.

I had my dad
all my adult life.

He knew his grandkids.
Sort of.

If I die in my 70s,
my kids will barely be 30.

They won't have had kids.

No way, not millennials.

They don't give a shit
about anyone.

Well, you can't
think like that.

I mean, maybe Frankie
will get a girl pregnant
when he's 17.

- Well, that would be terrible.
- Would it?

I mean, you'd get to know
your grandkids longer, so...

I'm just sayin'

nobody knows
what's gonna happen.

I just want to live
a decent while.

That's all.

I don't want my heart
to pack in.

Your heart's
not gonna pack in.

And if it does,
I'll defibrillate you.

That's not even a big deal
these days.

Promise?

Okay.

Oh, shit! Fuck!
I forgot.

Got you something.

- Aww...
- I miss the neck brace.

Do you like it?
Try it on.

Take it off.

Seriously, you look like
a fisherman simpleton.

Oh, oh.

I look like I'm gonna
try and sell you

a homemade moon-cup
out of the back of my Subaru.

You look like a--

You look like
a college poetry teacher

who tells girls he invented
the "Me Too" hashtag.

I look like, um,

one of those Dutch guys,
you know?

Who?

Who ride the thing?

- No, which--
- You know, they--

No.

Well, I can't
think of the, um--

Anyway,
it doesn't matter.

- That's the guy.
- What?

That's the guy
who attacked me.

- What are you doing?
- Hey!

- Rob--
- Hey, asshole who squirted
juice in my face.

Who are you callin' asshole?

I'm callin' an asshole
an asshole.

- Whoa!
- You can't touch me.

- I'm 13.
- Wha-- Really?

Well, you're pretty tall
for 13.

Maybe you should have
thought about that

before you did your
acidic juice attack.

What are you doing?

You're still on probation.
Plus, they're children.

I realize that now.

I'm just gonna scare 'em.

Wait--
Oh, fuck.

You know, I don't know
where the heck you get off--

Uh-- Oh! Oh!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, good one.
All right, well,
guess what?

I'm not scared this time,
because I know that it's--

What is that,
pineapple juice?

What are you, a baby?

Why don't you drink
an adult juice?

Whatever, man,

Let's go.

Did you scare them?

They'll remember me.