Original subtitles

- Hey! - Hey.

Not here. We can do that in the car.

I took the bus.

Well, we can do it on the bus.

Slut.

What time's your sister getting in?

Not until eight.

Aww. Can't wait to see her.

She's bringing me over some Diazapam.

- Happy pills. - Yeah, I know what it is.

Why do you take that shit?

Don't know, just sometimes like to

feel a bit better than my factory settings.

What's her new foster kid like?

I don't know. I know he's a teen.

Really?

Bloody hell.

Good for her.

Maybe when Frankie and Muireann are older,

we should think about fostering some kids.

Are you mental?

Why would we want to do that?

'Cause it's a good thing to do.

We don't have time to do good stuff.

Or space.

Just say you don't want to do it,

don't say we don't have enough space.

Those kids come from clusters, hives of kids.

They don't give a shit about space.

Give 'em an apple and a blanket,

and they think they're at Disney World.

Oh, did I tell you she's a Quaker now?

- Huh? - Yeah, she started checking it out

after Colton left her, and now she's full bore.

Really?

Now, that worries me.

You're sister's ripe to being taken advantage of by a cult.

- It's not a cult. - Plus, they're hypocrites.

You know, I won't use a Blackberry, but I will use a wheel.

A wheel's technology.

They use wheels like crazy,

they're fuckin' nuts about wheels.

- And barns. - Barn technology.

Also, that's Amish.

Hang on. How did she even get over here

if she's a Quaker?

I mean, how is she allowed to use a plane?

Did she come in a covered wagon?

That's Amish. It's a different thing.

- It's the same thing. - You're a bigot.

So what? What are you gonna do,

text an Amish person?

It's not the same thing, so your joke doesn't work.

Who cares?

My asshole ex drew a swastika on my passport,

so I wouldn't be able to leave the country.

- Oh, my God. - The TSA guy

said that's fine so long as they can read the chip.

And then on this side, the guy just smiled at me,

and invited me to something called a--

an "Oo-kip."

Colton thinks that if he makes my life miserable,

he's gonna feel better.

He's so unhappy.

I'm just praying for him.

Did I tell you that he took all my money

from the company we started together?

Yeah, I had to sell the house.

You did but... oh, no.

So Mom showed me how to eBay some of his Bruins jerseys,

and that's how I paid for the plane tickets.

Oh!

What's the bandwidth here?

- Huh? - How long would it take

to download 75 gigs?

Oh, I-- I don't know.

But we have a full color TV.

You can watch a whole show right now

as it's happening.

Well, we're gonna get out from under your feet very soon.

Oh, don't worry about that.

No, I want to dive right in.

Do you guys want to go to Buckingham Palace with us?

Oh, no, thank you. I don't like the monarchy.

Oh, that's funny, 'cause I've seen you looking at

pictures of Princess Beatrice on your phone.

Well, that's not 'cause she's a royal.

She has giant, beautiful eyes,

and even if she worked at Pizza Express,

I'd still look at pictures of her on my phone.

That's not creepy.

And also, do you know how much the crown jewels are worth?

If they sold one of those, just one of those jewels,

it'd fund the NHS for 200 years.

So, for that reason, I hope they all get rickets.

Other than that, they are quite fun.

Morning.

Mm, I hope you don't mind that I helped myself to breakfast.

Oh, God no, knock yourself out.

These Weetabix things are hilarious.

They start out as this wheaty brick,

and then you pour some milk on them,

and they turn into this sort of tasty slime!

Yeah. They're fun, all right.

- Where's Rob? - He's, uh, doing his morning meditation.

- Really? - No, he's having a shit.

Oh.

Between you and me,

I came over here because I wanted to check how he's doing.

Mom didn't paint a great picture.

- How is he? - How is he?

Uh, I don't know, really.

I mean, he's not drinking.

But he's not really happy.

He's sort of ashamed, I guess.

You know, so he's working on himself,

which is great, but also selfish.

- Mm-hm. - It's like he's on a crusade,

but to somewhere boring and we all have to come.

Doesn't sound very fun for you.

Yeah, I mean, I don't need fun all the time,

it's just that, like, up until recently,

his alcoholism was just folklore.

You know, and now it's kind of in my face.

But, uh-- Oh. There he is.

- Morning. - Morning.

Oh, hey, Syd, assuming you get your fill of touristy stuff today,

do you think you could possibly watch the kids for us tonight?

Why? What are we doing? You takin' me somewhere nice?

Well, there's an open AA meeting at St. Andrew's tonight

that you can bring family to,

so I thought we might hit that.

They usually have a pretty good biscuit spread

if you get there early enough. They go pretty fast.

- Hey. - Morning.

- Morning. - I was wondering,

would you like to come see the opening night of Jeffrey's play?

Late notice because, I'll be honest,

you weren't my first choice.

Oh, wow, yeah. I'd love to.

Well, great! Uh, you have to be there at 6:30.

Why? How long's the play?

Three and a half hours.

I don't think I can make that.

Chris is bringing his new girlfriend,

and I could really do with the moral support.

- Please? - Will anyone famous be there?

Benedict Cumberbatch's brother, Rollo,

is playing Sebastian.

Oh, Christ.

Mom said you were a real mess

last time she was over.

How you doin' now?

I mean, my head's still a bit of a clown graveyard,

- if I'm being honest. - Yeah?

But, uh, you know, don't tell her that.

I didn't even tell her about the accident.

Thank you. How's she doing, by the way?

Uh, she is just rough work.

Her hearing's going, so she shouts at me a lot,

and then I shout at her just to be heard.

Everybody's just screaming.

Ugh. Is there anything I can do to help?

Well, not from here.

Do you ever think about moving back?

Yeah, I think about it all the time,

but, you know, that idea doesn't

gain a lot of purchase with Sharon.

Maybe when she dies.

Why would Sharon die? Is she sick?

- Not that I know of. - Okay.

Um, oh, hey, Dave called,

and he wants to see you.

So I invited him over for dinner.

I hope that's okay.

- Dave Norton? - Yeah.

Oh, my God. He's still alive?

- Shockingly. - Whoa.

All right, we'll see you at home for dinner.

We're just gonna pop in here.

Oh, you're Quakin' already.

Yeah. Quake on vacation.

Okay.

- Can I come in? - Totally!

Yeah, come on. Let's go.

Okay, so for your homework tonight,

uh, I would like you to use your spelling words from today

to make a picture.

Okay, I want you to all use colors,

that's crayons, coloring pencils.

Don't just borrow your dad's bettin' biro.

And, uh--

All right, everyone, leave your papers on your desk.

Sam. Sam, would you stay behind.

Okay. All right, no talking!

Out! Thank you.

James, Sonny, stop flossing.

Hey.

Did you have a little accident?

Yeah?

Do you still need to go to the toilet,

or did you-- did you do it all here?

Okay, um, tell you what. I will go to lost property,

and see if they've got any spare trousers.

Like last time.

Yeah? And don't worry about it.

This kind of thing used to happen to me all the time.

You should hear what my husband did at his sister's wedding.

I'll tell you when I get back.

Okay. Good man.

What's happening now?

You just listen.

- To what? - Whatever's on your mind.

Or God.

If you believe in that crap.

Which I do.

So, Syd,

whatever happened to that fuckin' asshole-- Oh.

I'm-- I'm sorry, Jamie.

- No, Jimmy. - Oh!

Sorry about that, too.

Syd, whatever happened to that fuckin'--

Oh, shit! I'm so sorry.

I'm-- I'm sorry.

Uh, what do I do, give them money--

No, just next time you think you're gonna swear, don't.

Okay.

Sure.

- Syd. - Yes?

Whatever happened to that...

person you used to be in an adult relationship with?

You know, that angry guy with the greasy face?

- Mm-hm. Colton? - Yeah.

I married him.

Stayed with him for a little over a decade,

and still detangling myself from that wreckage.

I just never thought I would see Dave Norton

strapped to a baby.

I know. Right?

Yeah.

Oh... I am so blessed.

I-- I'm sorry her mom couldn't be here.

She's got a little dose of the baby blues,

so I don't really like being around her right now.

Ahh!

Love this little chicken so much.

I didn't even know what had come out at first.

You know, if it'd have cloven feet.

I mean, I thought I could have been siring the Antichrist.

Because, you know, I sold drugs to Slobodan Milosevic.

- Dave! - Uh-- Sorry. Sorry.

Guns.

Drugs and guns.

How was your day? How was school?

Yeah. Grand.

Okay, one of my kids has started wetting himself,

so, yeah, the parents are coming in to see me tomorrow.

It's happened a few times now.

God love him, and I don't know whether something's going on at home.

- Oh, my goodness. - Yeah.

It's difficult to know what to do,

but sometimes I think this is what I'm good at.

You know, I mean, I hate that he's wetting himself,

but at the same time, this is where I can really...

I don't know, shine.

You know what I mean.

You know what we do.

Oh.

Oh, there's salad in the bowl there if you--

Oh, thank you, honey, we're all good.

Did Rob tell you how much he enjoyed his first meeting today?

Looks like we might have two Quakers in the family.

I don't understand why the idea

of me becoming a better person--

or at least trying to--

puts such a cockroach up your asshole.

Number one, you're too busy.

You'd have to go to bloody weekly harvest feasts,

and what have you.

You've already got AA, therapy, work.

And, you know, what about me?

Will I have to wear a bonnet?

Don't think this doesn't affect us.

I-- I don't think you're gonna have to wear a bonnet.

Yeah, you don't think or you don't know?

Why don't I ask 'em.

What was all that about at dinner?

- All what? - The Tupperware.

What's up with the briefcase of vegetables?

Maybe Jimmy has scurvy.

I mean, in America, they ship vegetables past poor neighborhoods

under armed guard.

Yeah, but I served vegetables.

Maybe he needs pure, uncut veg, you know?

And not spinach dissolved in butter,

and tinned tomatoes.

Which I like, but let's not pretend Jamie Oliver

is gonna be poking his head out of the cupboard

asking for the recipe any time soon.

Get your feet off me.

So I just wondered if there were any difficulties

at home.

I mean, it's happened a few times now,

and I want to help, but I guess I need the whole picture

to be able to do that.

He's scared of you.

Right. What?

He's scared to put his hand up to go to the loo

when he's in your class.

Okay.

Well, I'm surprised to hear that.

Um, I'm not gonna reject it out of hand,

if that's how he feels, you know, says he feels.

If that's what you're saying he says he feels,

but, um, I guess I've just never made anyone

pee themselves before.

Uh, that I'm aware of.

To my knowledge.

Okay. Let me just, um...

Let me digest that.

Uh, and while I have you, I notice you haven't been

filling in the parents section of his reading log.

If you could get back on that.

I don't hand them out for fun.

Of course.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye, bye, bye.

Look. There he is.

- There's another one. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- And again. - Yeah.

- Do you want a drink? - Yeah, yeah.

- White wine? - Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey.

Fran, this is Tanya.

- Tanya, Fran. - Pleased to meet you.

And you. Heard a lot about you.

Oh. All good, I doubt.

Yes. I mean, no. No, not doubt.

- All good. - Did you see Jeffrey?

Oh, yes, I popped backstage, went through his vocal warm up with him.

The tip of the tongue, the teeth and the lips.

Give me the gift of a grip top sock.

Red leather, yellow leather.

I'm just gonna pop to the loo.

Won't make it to the interval with my tiny bladder.

Tiny bladder. That code for tight pussy?

Not really.

- She's very pretty. - Oh, thank you.

But a lot of people are pretty when they're younger,

but, you know, enjoy the play.

Hi.

Did you see the way she looked at him?

Who?

Chris's new girlfriend.

He's obviously very fond of her.

Is that bad?

No.

It's just--

Not sure we ever looked at each other like that.

If music be the food of love,

play on.

Give me excess of it;

that surfeiting.

The appetite may sicken and so die.

Hey, you're home early.

Yeah, the play finished early,

because, uh, I left early.

- You want to eat? - Yeah. Okay.

Also, Jeffrey's penis is huge.

Oh, and it just felt wrong lookin' at it.

Does Chris have a big cock?

It feels big,

but I've only felt it in the dark.

I mean, it was...

They were all naked. You know?

I mean, I like looking at naked people.

I sometimes like seeing plays, but together.

And it was a small theater, you know?

I could definitely smell they're actory arseholes.

Yum.

I couldn't concentrate, anyway.

Kept thinking about the pee kid.

And his parents, you know, sayin' I scare him.

Now Hammond's getting involved.

It just seems so insane to me.

It's not that insane.

I mean, I'm not afraid of you, but, you know,

it's not impossible that a kid might be.

If I were three feet shorter,

and you made it clear that I disappointed you,

it's possible I might piss myself.

Yeah, but I don't act at school the way I act with you guys.

I would never behave out in the world the way I do at home.

Oh, hey.

- Hey. - How was the play?

You know what? I am not a big theater goer,

so I'm probably not the best judge,

but I'd say really terrible.

Oh, well-- This looks delicious.

Oh, hold on, I've got, um--

I got a little uh--

There you go.

Okay?

Jimmy?

Can I get you anything else?

No thanks.

This is so, so good.

Ooh!

I find it funny

that you think I'm scary.

I'm not even cross. I was actually--

I was actually laughing

on my way over here.

So, tell me what it is that you find scary about me, Sam?

- Everything. - Everything.

Okay. Well, um... I'm not scary.

I'm, uh-- I'm just a woman with opinions,

and, uh, for some people, that is scary.

But--

Um, what-- Do you know what I think?

I think we're all scared of something.

Right? You know what I'm scared of?

Climate change. What are you scared of?

You.

Okay. Um, well,

do you know what else I'm scared of?

Britain First. White nationalists.

You know? I mean, where-- where do they get off?

Why-- Why are they so--

What-- What else are you scared of?

Nothing.

You're only scared of me?

Well, that's--

I'm sorry, I can't work with that.

I mean, obviously, I don't want my wife to have a drunk husband,

'cause I like her. She's a nice person.

I mean, not lately, but, I mean,

I'm going to AA and therapy.

I got kettle bells.

But, you know, I just-- I look in the mirror,

and I'm like-- ugh!

Can you fix that here?

You could fix that here.

Well, great. You know,

'cause I really enjoyed the meeting the other day.

I mean, the quiet.

You know, in my home, we don't have that.

My wife is not a quiet person.

She's Irish, so...

I mean, you know, at first that's charming,

but after a while, it's like--

Of course.

Oh, uh, one other question,

uh, that I already know the answer to,

but I promised my wife I'd ask.

Will she have to wear a bonnet?

Well, normally, we don't bring bonnets up until later.

Are you serious?

I am not.

And the quiet there, I mean--

You can be quiet, you can be gay.

You don't even have to believe in God.

Mm-hm.

It's just good people doing good things.

- You should come along. - You know I can't.

- Why not? - Because of my condition.

- What condition? - I don't want to.

Look, it's different for you, you're American.

You can go on journeys or whatever.

I can't change.

I'm a teacher, and I frighten the kids I teach,

and I don't even know what to do about that.

You'll deal with it your way, you're a good teacher.

Fuck the piss kid.

Yeah, but what if I'm like the nuns who used to terrify me?

You think I'm angry.

Anger is okay.

It's not okay to punch your daughter in the head,

but it's okay to feel anger.

Why wouldn't you be angry? Life is shitty.

Sydney's not angry.

Your Quakers aren't angry.

Well, maybe they should be.

I'm gonna talk to brother Lucien about this.

Okay, just--

Just don't leave me behind.

All right? Don't become a better person,

and then look at me and think you don't need me.

I'm not gonna leave you behind.

What are you doing here, Sam?

Are you in trouble?

What's that?

Something bad you wrote?

Oh...

Can I see it?

Sam? Can I see it?

Can you show it to me? Can you--

Sam, can you just-- Thank you.

Is that about Sonny Bertali's mum?

Okay.

I know some people.

I could make it go away.

You still scared of me?

- No. - Good.

Back to class.

Hate is short.

Love is very long.

Together, let us weather the passing storms,

and in the long term, love will, somehow...

win over hatred.

Somehow.

Sorry?

No, it's just you said somehow,

and you mentioned long term.

I need more help faster.

Look, I'm afraid patience and humility

is a big part of what we practice here.

We don't offer magical answers.

Did you know this?

- May I ask you a question? - Of course.

What are Quakers thoughts on all the chaos in the world?

How do you mean?

Uh, Gaza, Syria. Florida. You know?

Are you angry about all that?

And what about all the butting heads?

Jews and Muslims? Christians?

What do you think about them?

We wish them all the best.

Oh, come on. You have an opinion.

If you bottle up all that anger,

you're gonna have an embolism.

Maybe you should be angry.

You know, why are you so laid back?

Is this a pot thing?

I-- You know, I mean,

I feel like you're trying to sell me a condo,

that on the outside looks nice,

but then on the inside there's, like, no floors,

and just some rat

riding around on an electric wheelchair.

- Pardon? - You know,

I don't think this is gonna work out.

I'm quitting.

And, uh, I'm not saying that you guys should quit,

but you should have a plan in case you get into power.

Come here. Oh, I loved having you here so much.

You're the best. And getting to know Jimmy.

Ah, it's a wonderful thing.

What?

Um--

Could I just ask about the vegetables?

About the Tupperware?

Oh, sure. Uh, go say goodbye to Frankie.

Sure.

Oh, no, it's not a big-- It's just--

You know, I would always serve vegetables,

but you'd still-- I mean, you'd always--

I should have explained.

Jimmy's dad was the cook in their family,

and when he went to prison, his mom would do him

the same red and yellow vegetables that his dad used to.

It was sort of their little thing.

And then when his mom died,

he got pretty obsessed with having

the same shape and color vegetables

that she used to make for him.

I just didn't want you guys to have to,

I don't know, bother with all that.

So I just did it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

We're such assholes, because we were just like,

you know, what's up with the vegetable briefcase?

- It's not a briefcase. - No, no, I'm sorry,

it was just our little joke.

You guys had a joke about it?

No.

Uh. It's Colton. Ugh!

I should probably take it.

He's missed five calls this trip.

Hello.

Yes, I'm having a great trip.

Thank you for asking.

The more time zones that separate us,

the happier I am.

Because you're a brown stripe on my fuckin' panties,

that's why.

Well, unless you're calling to tell me that

you're wiring the money that you stole from me,

or that you figured out a way to fix my broken heart

that doesn't involve ever seeing you again,

you can fuck the fuck off!

Okay? Yeah!

Oh, y-- Oh, yeah?

Well, up yours!

Up yours, too, you deadbeat-- Ahh!

Maggot!

Ahh!

Oh...

I think I'm gonna be sick.

No, no, no.

I'm fine.

Fine.

Okay.

No, I am gonna be sick.