All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S04E02.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

- Hey!
- Hey.

Not here. We can
do that in the car.

I took the bus.

Well, we can do it
on the bus.

Slut.

What time's your sister
getting in?

Not until eight.

Aww. Can't wait
to see her.

She's bringing me over
some Diazapam.

- Happy pills.
- Yeah, I know what it is.

Why do you take
that shit?

Don't know,
just sometimes like to

feel a bit better than
my factory settings.

What's her new
foster kid like?

I don't know.
I know he's a teen.

Really?

Bloody hell.

Good for her.

Maybe when Frankie
and Muireann are older,

we should think about
fostering some kids.

Are you mental?

Why would we
want to do that?

'Cause it's
a good thing to do.

We don't have time
to do good stuff.

Or space.

Just say you
don't want to do it,

don't say we don't have
enough space.

Those kids come from clusters,
hives of kids.

They don't give a shit
about space.

Give 'em an apple
and a blanket,

and they think they're
at Disney World.

Oh, did I tell you
she's a Quaker now?

- Huh?
- Yeah, she started
checking it out

after Colton left her,
and now she's full bore.

Really?

Now, that worries me.

You're sister's ripe to
being taken advantage of
by a cult.

- It's not a cult.
- Plus, they're hypocrites.

You know,
I won't use a Blackberry,
but I will use a wheel.

A wheel's technology.

They use wheels
like crazy,

they're fuckin' nuts
about wheels.

- And barns.
- Barn technology.

Also, that's Amish.

Hang on. How did she
even get over here

if she's a Quaker?

I mean, how is she
allowed to use a plane?

Did she come in
a covered wagon?

That's Amish.
It's a different thing.

- It's the same thing.
- You're a bigot.

So what?
What are you gonna do,

text an Amish person?

It's not the same thing,
so your joke doesn't work.

Who cares?

My asshole ex drew
a swastika on my passport,

so I wouldn't be able to
leave the country.

- Oh, my God.
- The TSA guy

said that's fine so long as
they can read the chip.

And then on this side,
the guy just smiled at me,

and invited me to
something called a--

an "Oo-kip."

Colton thinks that if he
makes my life miserable,

he's gonna feel better.

He's so unhappy.

I'm just praying for him.

Did I tell you that
he took all my money

from the company
we started together?

Yeah, I had to
sell the house.

You did but...
oh, no.

So Mom showed me how to eBay
some of his Bruins jerseys,

and that's how I paid for
the plane tickets.

Oh!

What's the bandwidth here?

- Huh?
- How long would it take

to download 75 gigs?

Oh, I-- I don't know.

But we have a full color TV.

You can watch
a whole show right now

as it's happening.

Well, we're gonna get out
from under your feet very soon.

Oh, don't worry about that.

No, I want to
dive right in.

Do you guys want to go to
Buckingham Palace with us?

Oh, no, thank you.
I don't like the monarchy.

Oh, that's funny, 'cause
I've seen you looking at

pictures of Princess Beatrice
on your phone.

Well, that's not 'cause
she's a royal.

She has giant,
beautiful eyes,

and even if she worked at
Pizza Express,

I'd still look at
pictures of her on my phone.

That's not creepy.

And also, do you know how much
the crown jewels are worth?

If they sold one of those,
just one of those jewels,

it'd fund the NHS
for 200 years.

So, for that reason,
I hope they all get rickets.

Other than that,
they are quite fun.

Morning.

Mm, I hope you don't mind that
I helped myself to breakfast.

Oh, God no,
knock yourself out.

These Weetabix things
are hilarious.

They start out as
this wheaty brick,

and then you pour
some milk on them,

and they turn into
this sort of tasty slime!

Yeah.
They're fun, all right.

- Where's Rob?
- He's, uh, doing his
morning meditation.

- Really?
- No, he's having a shit.

Oh.

Between you and me,

I came over here
because I wanted to
check how he's doing.

Mom didn't paint
a great picture.

- How is he?
- How is he?

Uh, I don't know, really.

I mean, he's not drinking.

But he's not really happy.

He's sort of ashamed,
I guess.

You know, so he's
working on himself,

which is great,
but also selfish.

- Mm-hm.
- It's like he's
on a crusade,

but to somewhere boring
and we all have to come.

Doesn't sound
very fun for you.

Yeah, I mean,
I don't need fun all the time,

it's just that, like,
up until recently,

his alcoholism
was just folklore.

You know, and now
it's kind of in my face.

But, uh-- Oh.
There he is.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Oh, hey, Syd,
assuming you get your fill
of touristy stuff today,

do you think you could
possibly watch the kids
for us tonight?

Why? What are we doing?
You takin' me somewhere nice?

Well, there's
an open AA meeting at
St. Andrew's tonight

that you can bring
family to,

so I thought
we might hit that.

They usually have
a pretty good biscuit spread

if you get there early enough.
They go pretty fast.

- Hey.
- Morning.

- Morning.
- I was wondering,

would you like to
come see the opening night
of Jeffrey's play?

Late notice because,
I'll be honest,

you weren't my first choice.

Oh, wow, yeah.
I'd love to.

Well, great!
Uh, you have to
be there at 6:30.

Why? How long's the play?

Three and a half hours.

I don't think
I can make that.

Chris is bringing
his new girlfriend,

and I could really do with
the moral support.

- Please?
- Will anyone famous be there?

Benedict Cumberbatch's
brother, Rollo,

is playing Sebastian.

Oh, Christ.

Mom said you were
a real mess

last time she was over.

How you doin' now?

I mean, my head's still
a bit of a clown graveyard,

- if I'm being honest.
- Yeah?

But, uh, you know,
don't tell her that.

I didn't even tell her
about the accident.

Thank you.
How's she doing,
by the way?

Uh, she is just
rough work.

Her hearing's going,
so she shouts at me a lot,

and then I shout at her
just to be heard.

Everybody's just
screaming.

Ugh. Is there anything
I can do to help?

Well, not from here.

Do you ever think about
moving back?

Yeah, I think about it
all the time,

but, you know,
that idea doesn't

gain a lot of purchase
with Sharon.

Maybe when she dies.

Why would Sharon die?
Is she sick?

- Not that I know of.
- Okay.

Um, oh, hey,
Dave called,

and he wants to see you.

So I invited him over
for dinner.

I hope that's okay.

- Dave Norton?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.
He's still alive?

- Shockingly.
- Whoa.

All right, we'll see you
at home for dinner.

We're just gonna pop in here.

Oh, you're Quakin' already.

Yeah.
Quake on vacation.

Okay.

- Can I come in?
- Totally!

Yeah, come on.
Let's go.

Okay, so for your
homework tonight,

uh, I would like you to use
your spelling words from today

to make a picture.

Okay, I want you to all
use colors,

that's crayons,
coloring pencils.

Don't just borrow your dad's
bettin' biro.

And, uh--

All right, everyone,
leave your papers
on your desk.

Sam. Sam,
would you stay behind.

Okay. All right,
no talking!

Out!
Thank you.

James, Sonny,
stop flossing.

Hey.

Did you have
a little accident?

Yeah?

Do you still need to
go to the toilet,

or did you-- did you
do it all here?

Okay, um, tell you what.
I will go to lost property,

and see if they've got
any spare trousers.

Like last time.

Yeah? And don't
worry about it.

This kind of thing used to
happen to me all the time.

You should hear
what my husband did at
his sister's wedding.

I'll tell you
when I get back.

Okay. Good man.

What's happening now?

You just listen.

- To what?
- Whatever's on your mind.

Or God.

If you believe in
that crap.

Which I do.

So, Syd,

whatever happened to that
fuckin' asshole-- Oh.

I'm-- I'm sorry, Jamie.

- No, Jimmy.
- Oh!

Sorry about that, too.

Syd, whatever happened to
that fuckin'--

Oh, shit!
I'm so sorry.

I'm-- I'm sorry.

Uh, what do I do,
give them money--

No, just next time you think
you're gonna swear, don't.

Okay.

Sure.

- Syd.
- Yes?

Whatever happened to that...

person you used to be in
an adult relationship with?

You know, that angry guy
with the greasy face?

- Mm-hm. Colton?
- Yeah.

I married him.

Stayed with him for
a little over a decade,

and still detangling myself
from that wreckage.

I just never thought
I would see Dave Norton

strapped to a baby.

I know. Right?

Yeah.

Oh... I am so blessed.

I-- I'm sorry her mom
couldn't be here.

She's got a little dose of
the baby blues,

so I don't really like
being around her right now.

Ahh!

Love this little chicken
so much.

I didn't even know
what had come out at first.

You know,
if it'd have cloven feet.

I mean, I thought I could have
been siring the Antichrist.

Because,
you know, I sold drugs
to Slobodan Milosevic.

- Dave!
- Uh-- Sorry. Sorry.

Guns.

Drugs and guns.

How was your day?
How was school?

Yeah. Grand.

Okay, one of my kids has
started wetting himself,

so, yeah, the parents are
coming in to see me tomorrow.

It's happened
a few times now.

God love him,
and I don't know whether
something's going on at home.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Yeah.

It's difficult
to know what to do,

but sometimes I think
this is what I'm good at.

You know, I mean, I hate that
he's wetting himself,

but at the same time,
this is where I can really...

I don't know, shine.

You know what I mean.

You know what we do.

Oh.

Oh, there's salad
in the bowl there if you--

Oh, thank you, honey,
we're all good.

Did Rob tell you
how much he enjoyed his
first meeting today?

Looks like we might have
two Quakers in the family.

I don't understand
why the idea

of me becoming
a better person--

or at least trying to--

puts such a cockroach
up your asshole.

Number one,
you're too busy.

You'd have to go to bloody
weekly harvest feasts,

and what have you.

You've already got AA,
therapy, work.

And, you know,
what about me?

Will I have to wear
a bonnet?

Don't think this doesn't
affect us.

I-- I don't think you're
gonna have to wear a bonnet.

Yeah, you don't think
or you don't know?

Why don't I ask 'em.

What was all that about
at dinner?

- All what?
- The Tupperware.

What's up with
the briefcase of vegetables?

Maybe Jimmy has scurvy.

I mean, in America,
they ship vegetables
past poor neighborhoods

under armed guard.

Yeah,
but I served vegetables.

Maybe he needs pure,
uncut veg, you know?

And not spinach
dissolved in butter,

and tinned tomatoes.

Which I like, but
let's not pretend
Jamie Oliver

is gonna be poking his head
out of the cupboard

asking for the recipe
any time soon.

Get your feet off me.

So I just wondered
if there were any difficulties

at home.

I mean, it's happened
a few times now,

and I want to help,
but I guess I need
the whole picture

to be able to do that.

He's scared of you.

Right. What?

He's scared to put his hand up
to go to the loo

when he's in your class.

Okay.

Well, I'm surprised
to hear that.

Um, I'm not gonna
reject it out of hand,

if that's how he feels,
you know, says he feels.

If that's what you're saying
he says he feels,

but, um, I guess I've
just never made anyone

pee themselves before.

Uh, that I'm aware of.

To my knowledge.

Okay. Let me just, um...

Let me digest that.

Uh, and while I have you,
I notice you haven't been

filling in the parents section
of his reading log.

If you could
get back on that.

I don't hand them out for fun.

Of course.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bye, bye, bye.

Look.
There he is.

- There's another one.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- And again.
- Yeah.

- Do you want a drink?
- Yeah, yeah.

- White wine?
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Fran,
this is Tanya.

- Tanya, Fran.
- Pleased to meet you.

And you.
Heard a lot about you.

Oh. All good, I doubt.

Yes. I mean, no.
No, not doubt.

- All good.
- Did you see Jeffrey?

Oh, yes, I popped backstage,
went through his vocal warm up
with him.

The tip of the tongue,
the teeth and the lips.

Give me the gift
of a grip top sock.

Red leather,
yellow leather.

I'm just gonna
pop to the loo.

Won't make it to the interval
with my tiny bladder.

Tiny bladder.
That code for tight pussy?

Not really.

- She's very pretty.
- Oh, thank you.

But a lot of people are pretty
when they're younger,

but, you know,
enjoy the play.

Hi.

Did you see the way
she looked at him?

Who?

Chris's new girlfriend.

He's obviously
very fond of her.

Is that bad?

No.

It's just--

Not sure we ever
looked at each other
like that.

If music be the food of love,

play on.

Give me excess of it;

that surfeiting.

The appetite may sicken
and so die.

Hey, you're home early.

Yeah, the play
finished early,

because, uh,
I left early.

- You want to eat?
- Yeah. Okay.

Also, Jeffrey's penis
is huge.

Oh, and it just felt wrong
lookin' at it.

Does Chris have
a big cock?

It feels big,

but I've only felt it
in the dark.

I mean, it was...

They were all naked.
You know?

I mean, I like
looking at naked people.

I sometimes like seeing plays,
but together.

And it was a small theater,
you know?

I could definitely smell
they're actory arseholes.

Yum.

I couldn't concentrate, anyway.

Kept thinking about
the pee kid.

And his parents, you know,
sayin' I scare him.

Now Hammond's
getting involved.

It just seems
so insane to me.

It's not that insane.

I mean, I'm not afraid of you,
but, you know,

it's not impossible that
a kid might be.

If I were three feet shorter,

and you made it clear that
I disappointed you,

it's possible I might
piss myself.

Yeah, but I don't act at school
the way I act with you guys.

I would never behave
out in the world
the way I do at home.

Oh, hey.

- Hey.
- How was the play?

You know what?
I am not a big
theater goer,

so I'm probably not
the best judge,

but I'd say
really terrible.

Oh, well--
This looks delicious.

Oh, hold on,
I've got, um--

I got a little uh--

There you go.

Okay?

Jimmy?

Can I get you
anything else?

No thanks.

This is so, so good.

Ooh!

I find it funny

that you think I'm scary.

I'm not even cross.
I was actually--

I was actually laughing

on my way over here.

So, tell me what it is that
you find scary about me, Sam?

- Everything.
- Everything.

Okay. Well, um...
I'm not scary.

I'm, uh-- I'm just a woman
with opinions,

and, uh, for some people,
that is scary.

But--

Um, what--
Do you know what I think?

I think we're all
scared of something.

Right? You know what
I'm scared of?

Climate change.
What are you scared of?

You.

Okay. Um, well,

do you know what else
I'm scared of?

Britain First.
White nationalists.

You know? I mean, where--
where do they get off?

Why-- Why are they so--

What-- What else
are you scared of?

Nothing.

You're only scared of me?

Well, that's--

I'm sorry,
I can't work with that.

I mean, obviously,
I don't want my wife
to have a drunk husband,

'cause I like her.
She's a nice person.

I mean, not lately,
but, I mean,

I'm going to AA
and therapy.

I got kettle bells.

But, you know, I just--
I look in the mirror,

and I'm like-- ugh!

Can you fix that here?

You could fix that here.

Well, great.
You know,

'cause I really enjoyed
the meeting the other day.

I mean, the quiet.

You know, in my home,
we don't have that.

My wife is not
a quiet person.

She's Irish, so...

I mean, you know,
at first that's charming,

but after a while,
it's like--

Of course.

Oh, uh, one other question,

uh, that I already know
the answer to,

but I promised my wife
I'd ask.

Will she have to wear
a bonnet?

Well, normally, we don't bring
bonnets up until later.

Are you serious?

I am not.

And the quiet there,
I mean--

You can be quiet,
you can be gay.

You don't even have to
believe in God.

Mm-hm.

It's just good people
doing good things.

- You should come along.
- You know I can't.

- Why not?
- Because of my condition.

- What condition?
- I don't want to.

Look, it's different for you,
you're American.

You can go on journeys
or whatever.

I can't change.

I'm a teacher,
and I frighten
the kids I teach,

and I don't even know
what to do about that.

You'll deal with it your way,
you're a good teacher.

Fuck the piss kid.

Yeah, but what if I'm like
the nuns who used to terrify me?

You think I'm angry.

Anger is okay.

It's not okay to punch
your daughter in the head,

but it's okay to feel anger.

Why wouldn't you be angry?
Life is shitty.

Sydney's not angry.

Your Quakers aren't angry.

Well, maybe they should be.

I'm gonna talk to
brother Lucien about this.

Okay, just--

Just don't leave me behind.

All right? Don't become
a better person,

and then look at me
and think you don't need me.

I'm not gonna
leave you behind.

What are you
doing here, Sam?

Are you in trouble?

What's that?

Something bad you wrote?

Oh...

Can I see it?

Sam?
Can I see it?

Can you show it to me?
Can you--

Sam, can you just--
Thank you.

Is that about
Sonny Bertali's mum?

Okay.

I know some people.

I could make it go away.

You still scared of me?

- No.
- Good.

Back to class.

Hate is short.

Love is very long.

Together, let us weather
the passing storms,

and in the long term,
love will, somehow...

win over hatred.

Somehow.

Sorry?

No, it's just you said
somehow,

and you mentioned long term.

I need more help faster.

Look, I'm afraid
patience and humility

is a big part of what
we practice here.

We don't offer
magical answers.

Did you know this?

- May I ask you a question?
- Of course.

What are Quakers thoughts on
all the chaos in the world?

How do you mean?

Uh, Gaza, Syria.
Florida. You know?

Are you angry about all that?

And what about
all the butting heads?

Jews and Muslims?
Christians?

What do you think about them?

We wish them all the best.

Oh, come on.
You have an opinion.

If you bottle up
all that anger,

you're gonna have an embolism.

Maybe you should be angry.

You know,
why are you so laid back?

Is this a pot thing?

I--
You know, I mean,

I feel like you're trying to
sell me a condo,

that on the outside
looks nice,

but then on the inside
there's, like, no floors,

and just some rat

riding around on
an electric wheelchair.

- Pardon?
- You know,

I don't think this is
gonna work out.

I'm quitting.

And, uh, I'm not saying that
you guys should quit,

but you should have a plan
in case you get into power.

Come here. Oh, I loved
having you here so much.

You're the best.
And getting to know Jimmy.

Ah, it's a wonderful thing.

What?

Um--

Could I just ask about
the vegetables?

About the Tupperware?

Oh, sure. Uh,
go say goodbye to Frankie.

Sure.

Oh, no, it's not a big--
It's just--

You know, I would always
serve vegetables,

but you'd still--
I mean, you'd always--

I should have explained.

Jimmy's dad was
the cook in their family,

and when he went to prison,
his mom would do him

the same red and yellow
vegetables that his dad
used to.

It was sort of
their little thing.

And then when his mom died,

he got pretty obsessed
with having

the same shape
and color vegetables

that she used to
make for him.

I just didn't want you guys
to have to,

I don't know,
bother with all that.

So I just did it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

We're such assholes,
because we were just like,

you know, what's up with
the vegetable briefcase?

- It's not a briefcase.
- No, no, I'm sorry,

it was just
our little joke.

You guys had
a joke about it?

No.

Uh. It's Colton. Ugh!

I should probably take it.

He's missed five calls
this trip.

Hello.

Yes, I'm having
a great trip.

Thank you for asking.

The more time zones
that separate us,

the happier I am.

Because you're a brown stripe
on my fuckin' panties,

that's why.

Well, unless you're calling
to tell me that

you're wiring the money
that you stole from me,

or that you figured out
a way to fix my broken heart

that doesn't involve
ever seeing you again,

you can fuck the fuck off!

Okay? Yeah!

Oh, y-- Oh, yeah?

Well, up yours!

Up yours, too,
you deadbeat-- Ahh!

Maggot!

Ahh!

Oh...

I think I'm gonna be sick.

No, no, no.

I'm fine.

Fine.

Okay.

No, I am gonna be sick.