Original subtitles

Why don't I get a fucking letter?

You're spending a fair amount of time in my house with my son,

and I don't care for it.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm sorry.

Are you serious?

What?

- Take it off. - No. What's wrong with it?

What's wrong with it? It's a turtleneck.

Well, all my ties are in Spain,

and if I wear a jacket and a shirt without a tie,

I just look like Ahmadinejad.

- He's handsome. - No, he isn't.

Where'd you even find a turtleneck, anyway?

It's one of Dad's.

So bury it with him.

Anybody need to empty the tank before we go?

Hey.

Hey!

Can you bend your knees or something?

- Huh? - Just try and stoop down a little.

- It's just hard to-- - Sure. Yeah.

You look lovely.

Should wear black more often.

I wear it a lot now, but thanks.

You look like a motorcycle assassin.

- I'm sorry. - Thank you.

Sorry.

Ah, no. No.

Okay. That's enough now.

Now is the hard time,

but it's supposed to be hard.

When I lost Chris, I thought I would never--

Point is, it gets easier.

I'm here for you.

- How you holdin' up? - What do you mean by that?

I mean, is my friend Rob okay?

Yeah, I'm okay,

'cause the situation dictates that I be okay.

My wife just lost her father, and I'm rising to the challenge

'cause I'm not a fuckin' wino who lives under a bridge

like you think I am.

Are you sure, because the Metropolitan police reported

a Bigfoot type shoveling McNuggets into his gob

under the Vauxhall bypass.

Okay.

Room for one more?

Oh, uh, Mia, I think your car is, uh--

- There's a space. - Yeah, but Rob is gonna--

- Oh. - Well, I think Rob's--

I, um-- I'm just gonna go, uh--

I-- I forgot my wreath. I'm just--

That guy, farmer face,

you know, the one with the...

rosacea cauliflower nose.

- Frank. - Whatever.

You need to know that that display

had nothing to do with Des,

and everything to do with getting into your pants.

You've still got it.

It was really nice of you guys to come over.

Oh, well, we were in the neighborhood, so--

How you feelin'?

Yeah, good.

Well, obviously, I'm-- I'm not good,

I'm fuckin' terrible. Yeah.

My dad's dead but there's just been too much going on

to be-- I do think it's weird that I'm not feeling sad yet.

Is it? I mean, it's just--

It's a lot of, you know, organizing the funeral,

and Mum, and keeping an eye on Mum and--

Just gettin' the sandwiches.

Oh, I took care of the sandwiches.

Oh. Great.

Oh. Sorry.

- It's just-- - No, it's-- it's okay.

I'm glad someone's crying.

It's just funerals.

They bring everything up to the surface, you know.

Sorry.

Douglas dumped me just out of the blue.

He just evaporated.

I looked it up. It's called ghosting.

It started in California.

- It's when-- - Yeah, I know what it is.

I know what it is.

Oh, it just seems like everything is terrible for everyone right now.

Thought a few more of your exes might show their faces today.

Connor Verne, at least.

He was almost part of the family once.

- No, he wasn't. - May he rest in peace.

What? Connor Verne's dead?

That's terrible.

He fingered me the night before my leaving certificate.

Then told everyone that was why I passed.

He knew what he was doing, though,

for such a young lad.

- How'd he die? - Uh, I-- I don't know.

I mean, if I was to guess I'd say heart disease.

Or finger cancer.

- Hey. - Hey, can you talk?

Uh, actually, I'm in the middle of a--

So, listen, I think I might have made a mistake.

Um, I offered Catherine money not to have the baby.

Oh, Jesus.

I want the baby to be happy,

so I thought the best way to do that

would be for it to not be born.

Wow. What'd she say to that?

She said get out of my Range Rover.

Yeah, well, you know how women don't want men

telling them they can't have an abortion?

I don't think they like you to encourage them to have one, either.

Yeah. Pretty sure I've done the wrong thing.

All right, well, listen, I gotta go.

I'm at-- I'm at Sharon's dad's funeral.

What?

Oh, my God, that's so sad.

I'm so sorry. Um--

Could you give me the address so I can send

a Edible Arrangement or something?

I don't know the address, it's Ireland.

Houses don't have numbers.

It's the one by the limestone jutting out of the bog.

I don't know, fuckin' Dingleberry Lane.

- Hey. Who was that? - Uh, sorry. Dave.

He sends his love.

Fuck's sake.

God love him.

And no disrespect to your mother.

We have to get that woman away from Mum.

She's too weak to help herself.

Ah. So...

this is where it all began.

- What? - Riverdance.

It was a lovely song your cousin sang.

Yeah. I mean, it went on a bit, but, yeah.

Do you think he wrote it special?

I think Tracey Chapman wrote it special,

but it was lovely nonetheless.

Do you want to go in? I'll bring you in.

- I'll take her in. - I'm right behind you.

Save me a seat.

Honey, I know it's a busy day,

but if things settle down a bit later,

could you maybe run me out to a shop

to get a couple of those nice Irish wool sweaters they have here?

You know, the big, thick fisherman ones.

You know the ones I mean?

My dad's dead.

Why am I not more upset?

You are upset.

Not enough.

When you found out that kid you went to summer camp with died,

you barely got out of bed.

I had to slap you around.

This is my dad.

This isn't some kid you showed your dick to once.

- I spent my summers with him. - Yeah, two summers.

You cried until you threw up.

Is that what you're supposed to do?

What's wrong with me?

I know I can cry.

I cried last week in the bank when that woman told me my bag was messy.

Look, our emotions are weird, okay?

That's why they're emotions.

You know, there's no playbook on how to grieve.

I want to be sadder.

He fuckin' died 20 minutes ago.

Don't be sad that you're not sad now.

You're gonna unfold.

You're gonna spend time on the floor.

- Do you promise? - I promise.

Last thought I had about him was that he was a bad dad.

And he wasn't.

He was a great, complicated, grumpy,

pain in the hole great dad,

and--

If I could have just had one weekend with him.

You know, I think we could have sorted a lot of our shit out.

Fuck it, not even a weekend.

An afternoon or a lunch with no kids around.

I wasn't done with him.

That's not a boner, is it?

I'm so sorry.

Fuck's sake.

Bye-bye, Mallandra. Bye, girls.

Bye-bye, sweetheart.

- Take care of yourself. - You, too.

I'm gonna take the fastest pee in the world,

- and I'll be right back. - Okay.

Shall we tell her to go? I'll just tell her to go.

- What do you mean? - Well, if you don't want her here,

we just have to tell her to go.

Why? She makes me laugh.

And she does the dishes after every meal.

If she wants to be here, then I want her here.

Oh. Oh, okay. I wasn't--

I'm not ready to be on my own.

- Bye. - Take care.

Here.

Don't open it now.

Okay. Is it a check for 8,000 pounds?

- Asshole. - Prick.

Have fun in España.

Bye.

Bye.

What the fuck is going on?

It's sweet.

Wait. What if they fall in love and get married?

Does that mean we'd be brother and sister?

- Are you okay with that? - I suppose.

Don't think I'm ever gonna have sex again, anyway.

Seems like a silly thing to be all--

You know, after everything.

Well, that's a pretty big decision.

You might want to check with your brother first.

Hey.

- You okay? - Yeah, just, um--

Well, are-- are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm just lying in the back of Melissa's car.

It's a bit smelly.

It's not as smelly as our car,

but it smells like lemongrass and burger meat.

It's not a bad smell, I just--

I just wonder if she cooks in here or something.

Why are you in Melissa's car?

Oh, I just can't handle being around anyone right now.

It's all right. I had a free period.

I didn't run out of the classroom screaming.

You okay? Why'd you call?

I just wanted to say hi.

Do you want to watch some "Better Call Sauls" tonight,

and I'll brush your hair?

- Sure. - Okay.

- Bye. - Bye.

All right. All right!

Just clearing some shit out of my house.

Have a nice day.

And correct me if I'm wrong,

you are a 48 year old man.

Well, do you think that it's adult behavior to, uh--

Maybe I've lost my mind, but it seemed to me

that we were in a relationship.

No, you're right about all those things.

Um, I am 48, well, I will be for a few more weeks,

and we were in a relationship.

So what happened, then?

We had something.

And the sex was-- All of it was--

I have never enjoyed blowjobs

like I did with you.

Before you, it was always, you know,

just a bit more of an obligation.

But I loved it with you.

The chemistry of us was just--

It just felt right.

In my mouth.

Oh, Fran, I don't know.

Your son doesn't like me, I'm not mad about him.

- I don't like your husband. - He's my ex husband.

Are you sure about that? You don't know about the little visit he paid me?

Quite the menacing little twat.

Anyway, it worked. I'm out.

- He what? - And if it's the sex you miss,

go and have sex with someone else.

I don't have a black belt in it.

I didn't invent getting my dick sucked.

Oh, I tried to call, but I dropped my phone in Carol's sink,

and now all it'll do is camera and Angry Birds.

Could you take me to Car Phone Warehouse later?

- Yeah. - I gotta zip and use the bathroom.

I thought you were staying with Carol.

Oh, I had to get out of there.

It's too cold.

I mean, cut up some peat and throw it on a fire.

I wouldn't be surprised if Des froze to death.

I had to wear three coats.

I looked like Nanook of the north.

Anyway, I feel like I gave it the good old college try.

You know? I set her on a good path, I think.

Carol is not gonna be alone for that long.

Have you seen her ass?

I mean, for a woman her age.

How did Sharon get such a bony ass?

Fran.

Oh!

Jesus!

Christ!

Just what the hell are you doing?

Hey!

Your mother is a prick tease.

Okay.

She gets my mother all juiced up for company,

and then she just up and splits.

Are you sure your mom's upset? Did you ask her?

My mom's not gonna tell me if she's upset. She's a martyr.

If she tells you she's not upset, she's definitely upset.

She tells you she's grand, then you know she's fine.

Do you want me to tell my mom to go back there?

Well, that would be bizarre.

No, I don't. I just want you to know that I don't like what she did.

Oh. Okay.

And what's with all the whistling now?

When did she become a whistler?

Do you want me to tell her to stop whistling?

I wouldn't even mind if she was whistling something decent.

You know? It's just fuckin'--

I don't want to hear that shit.

I mean, practice and then come and whistle me something decent.

You know? Bring me the finished product.

You think someone that old would have a hard time

thinking of new ways for you to hate them.

- How long is she staying? - I don't know.

She was buying stuff online earlier

to be delivered to our house.

That doesn't feel like a short visit.

I wouldn't worry about that.

If she's drawing breath,

she's ordering stuff online.

For her, it's not about receiving the stuff,

it's just about...

hittin' that order button and gettin' the buzz.

Like a junkie.

Oh. Thank you.

For what?

Just for lettin' me lay into your mother.

I like a lot of things about you,

but that is up there, like that is near the top.

Hm. Well, I mean, the things I hate about her are set in stone.

You know, so what you say I listen to,

but that's never gonna be as bad as what I know about her.

Well, thank you anyway.

We're okay, aren't we?

Yeah. What do you mean?

I don't know, it's just--

It's been a tough year so far,

and you were so great about the, you know,

all the shit with me and that--

- And, you know. - Yeah.

And you going back to Braeband.

I know you hate it there but you're doing it for us.

I just--

I just think you're a really good person.

- No, I'm not. - Yeah, you are.

You're a good husband, and a good dad,

and for a little while, after you shower,

you even smell good.

I love you.

Oh. Did you have a nightmare?

What's the matter, honey?

Um...

a few months ago, I started drinking again.

Nothing terrible has happened,

but I feel like shit.

I need help,

and I wanted to tell Sharon,

but then Des died, so I couldn't,

and I know it would be a really bad thing to drink right now,

but I want to.

A lot.

Fucking drinking again? You can't drink.

I know. I--

- Jesus, Mom, can you not-- - No. You don't know.

You never could drink. Why is it gonna be any different now?

You're just like your father.

What the fuck does that have to do with it?

You know how my jaw always clicks?

You know, when I eat steak?

It's 'cause your father broke it.

That's why I kicked him out.

Jesus. Mom, why didn't you tell me?

Why would my little boy need to know

that his daddy got drunk and punched his mommy in the head?

You put a plug in the jug, mister,

because if you ever hit Sharon,

I'll fucking kill you.

I'm not gonna hit her.

Oh, please.

Your being drunk and her being as annoying as she is,

you're gonna hit her.

- Hey, what's up? - Oh, nothin',

just checkin' in, see how you're coping.

Really?

Well, I'm totally fuckin' fine.

Turns out losing your dad isn't hard at all.

Would you like to talk about it

- over a drink? - Not really.

I can make it easy for you.

Meet you at your local? I'm here now, as it goes.

Well, look, Rob's out,

and I feel bad leaving Mia on her own,

so do you want to do it another time?

- Okay. - I'll talk to you.

Bye.

Do you have OWN?

What?

The Oprah Winfrey Network?

I don't know, Mia. There's, like, 700 channels.

It might be in there. Hunt around.

Oh, wait. Never mind.

I just found my favorite show,

"My Children Are Schizophrenic."

Oh, so great.

Can you imagine you have the one kid, it's schizophrenic,

and then you say, well, let's roll the dice and have another kid,

like a friend for that one,

and then that one's schizophrenic, also.

So they buy the apartment or the house next door--

- Hey, Fran. - ...it's not a lot of money

with the disability and everything.

It is great TV.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

I think it's time that we get this meeting started.

If you could, uh, take your seats, please.

Yeah, we'll just hang on for a few stragglers.

Gonna start volunteering at the local hospital,

get a sensible haircut, buy a couple of vibrators.

Maybe get one of those ones with the wee dangle thing that tickles the--

Amway, that's it now. I'm out.

I'm 46 next birthday, so it was gonna happen sooner or later.

Oh, Christ.

Look, I'm too tired to be blowin' smoke up your arsehole,

but that is too young to be puttin' yourself out to pasture.

You know? I've seen you in yoga pants.

You still have something to offer.

I'm just so horny.

I know, honey.

I mean, the taste of him.

- It's like-- - I've gotta piss.

It's like--

Aye. She's broken.

I don't think she'll ever get over this one.

No tincture in the land can save her now.

Upon reflection, though, if Fran wanted to be with that cunt,

I should have let her be with that cunt.

Plus, your nose is fucked up.

I don't care about my nose, I care about my son,

and I have vestigial feelings for the woman I made him with.

You know how being a dad is.

Something you'll soon learn.

Yeah. I'm excited.

I've decided I'm gonna hire a couple of nannies,

and just be more of a benevolent figure in the background.

Like a nice guy he knows

but who won't shape his personality.

I mean, yeah, he'll have my shitty genes,

but nature, nurture, I mean, the jury's out.

No, the jury's in. They both matter.

I'm totally scared.

Well, why shouldn't you be scared?

Who are you that you don't need to be scared?

If you're alive, you should be scared sometimes.

The world's a fuckin' slaughterhouse. I'm scared.

I'm really glad I came out with you guys.

Tell you what, though.

You'll feel a love like you've never felt before.

Even fuck cocaine.

What about heroin?

I don't know, I've never tried heroin.

You've never tried heroin?

I'm done feeding. I'm gonna go to sleep.

Bye.

How have you never tried heroin?

I thought you were from Glasgow?

Oh, fuck's sake.

It's gonna be all right.

You okay?

I'm grand.

- Hey. - Can you--

Can you come and get me?

Can you not get a taxi?

Wh-- Hang on a second, there's a--

There's a man here who wants to have a quick word with you.

Hold on a second.

Uh, sir, your wife is very drunk,

and we had to remove her from our establishment,

so now she's on the streets like rubbish,

so come and get your rubbish,

and take it home, and, you know, make love to it.

Okay. Tell her I'm on my way.

Okay.

Oh, no, wait.

She-- She looks like she's headed into Hernando's.

It was brilliant. I cried a lot,

and then I threw up on the window, perhaps.

Well, that's great, honey.

I know.

I cried for, like, an hour.

I think I was worried because I--

I've never lost someone I really loved before.

Don't ever leave me.

I won't.

Because I'm never gonna leave you.

And it's not even because I love you, I just--

I mean, I do, but there's a working part missing now.

You took it out.

Or something and--

Now I just don't work without you.

I'm 100 percent reliant on you.

Okay?

Is that sexy?

Is that sexy? I-- I don't know,

but that's how I feel.

Do you want to put your hand up my skirt?

Sure.

Come on, that's-- Get in there.

- Listen, I need to-- - Oh, hang on.

'Cause I need pizza.

Well, Jesus, don't go in there.

Let me make you something at home.

No, 'cause I want something disgusting,

you know, with the little pepperonis

that are all curled up like oil cups,

and the oil's all, you know, yellow.

The oil is all yellow.

All right, let-- let me pull over.

No, it's fine. It's the light.

For Christ's sake.

Jesus! Fuckin' open your eyes.

Oh, my God!

- Open your fuckin' eyes. - Fuck.

Shut the fuck up!

Give me a fuckin' second.

Goddamnit.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Rob!

Rob!

Rob!

What happened?

Are you okay? I'm gonna get help.

- Fuck! - Are the police coming?

What? I don't-- I don't know.

An am-- I think it's an ambulance.

They're gonna give me a breathalyzer.

What? What?

I'm not gonna pass it.

What?

I'm sorry.

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