All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S03E05.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Mate, I'm pretty sure
I can smell booze on you.

Don't you not drink?

I have the odd drink now.

Okay.

Well, I'm not
moving back here.

I don't want to die
in Walthamstow.

You're not gonna die,
and this isn't Walthamstow.

- This is Douglas.
- Aloha.

Harita:
She said you told her that
she was too beautiful

to work in the same
building as you.

Well, she told me that she
wanted to suck my cock

until I passed out.

That kind of language
is utterly inappropriate.

I fuckin' agree.

Harita:
Plus, none of the autopsies
showed conclusively

that it was triolaphan
that killed those guys.

But it's time for us
to tell the British public
we're sorry.

Though we can't
actually say that.

In other news,
it's great to welcome
Rob Norris

and his creative eye back.

Rob's been in Montreal
these past few weeks

teaching a course in
pharmaceutical marketing

at McGill University's
School of Business.

Good to have you back, Rob.

It's good to be back.

Uh, I very much appreciate
that gesture,

but we can't--

I massaged
the truth a bit,
so what?

Thought it might be
easier that way.

- Thank you, I--
- I'll see you at
the extended release

transdermal
cyclobenzaprine meeting.

We should come up with
an acronym for that,

'cause it takes
a while to say.

I just wanted to say...

I'm back from Canada,

and it's good to be back.

Okay.

All right.
I'll see you around.

♪♪

[knocking]

Fergal:
Mate, are you gonna
be there for a while?

There's a toilet
downstairs.

That seat's rickety.

You might want to
get it fixed.

Huh. Just winding you up.

Good one.

Ooh. Jesus!

Seriously, you might need
to see a doctor.

He needs to not be
in this house anymore.

What's he done now?

One of my core beliefs
is that

I should be able to
take a shit in my own home

without being bothered
by a stranger.

He's doing you a favor.

Seriously,
it cannot be good for you

sitting like that for hours
with your arsehole open.

Something's gonna
fall out one day.

- Or crawl in.
- [chuckles]

- What time are you up?
- I gotta get in early.

We have some MPs coming in
that we have to bribe.

We fucked up on
a clinical trial

and a little girl
in Sheffield

grew an ear on her neck.

Yeah, but that's when
you were on leave, right?

Yeah, I never would have
signed off on that.

[chuckles]

What's it like
being back?

- Is it horrible?
- It's not wonderful.

Well, if it's
any consolation,

you going back to
a job you hate so we
don't lose our home

gives me
the massive horn.

That does sound nice.

I don't mean right now.
Not now.

Had a big dinner.

Do you feel bad that
neither of us

is gonna be
with the kids now?

I mean,
I went back to work and
they had to get used to you,

and now you're, like,
fuck you, I'm off, too.

What, fuck you,
I need to earn money
to support my family?

That's the opposite
of fuck you.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck off.

[chuckles]

We need to sort out
a child minder, though.

Like a proper child minder
if we're both working.

It was all right when
Anna was our babysitter.

I mean,
you're babysitter's
supposed to be shit.

Yeah, all they have to do
is put 'em to bed,

and then just sit there.

She doesn't just sit there.

You know when we went
to see "Jason Bourne"?

When we got back, the living
room smelled of sex.

No, it didn't.

Well, it at least
smelled of solo sex.

Maybe she just microwaved
a Findus Crispy pancake.

[chuckles]
What's that thing
on her neck now?

Is that a wound dressing?

Oh, I thought it was
a nicotine patch.

Well, whatever it is,
I don't want Muireann

peckin' it off
and chewin' on it.

- [chuckles]
- [cell phone rings]

Oh, it's Mum.

Hello.

[woman moaning]

- [knocking]
- Don't come in!

Do you not see
the sock on the doorknob,
for fuck's sake?

Look, it's a normal thing
that people do, okay? Relax.

Dad had a stroke.

What?

On the plane.
[sniffling]

On the way home.

[sobbing]
Fucking Ryanair.

♪♪

Ah, that's what that is.

We-- We were wondering
what that was on your, um--

Sorry to hear about
your dad.

Oh, thanks.
Thanks for doing this.

I've gotta
head over there and--

Did you know him well?

My Dad? Uh, yeah.
Yeah.

So, you're going to
Ireland now?

- Yeah, because--
- Yeah, they do it

pretty quickly over there,
don't they?

I mean, my Irish cousin
Mav, she died,

and you know how you lot
do the open casket.

- I do, yeah.
- Yeah, well, she was
still warm,

and I thought
it was because she was
beside the radiator,

but, you know, I touched it
and it wasn't even on.

Well, my dad's not dead.
He just had a stroke.

Oh, great.
Have a nice trip, then.

Okay.

[laughing]

Oh, hey, Margaret.

That's a nice blouse.

Uh, I would buy that
for my wife.

- Pardon?
- Tina,

I also like your blazer.

For my wife.

- Top cupboard.
- Sorry?

If you're looking for
coffee patches,

- they're in the top cupboard.
- Thanks.

Oh, and they're all good.

I took the decaf packets
and threw 'em away.

- Not on my watch.
- Strong move, my man.

- Rafe Bales.
- Rob Norris.

Yeah, I know.
I started a few weeks ago.

I guess while
you were teaching a course
at McGill School of Business.

Sure.
How you finding it?

Good. I mean,
it's a good company.

Good folks.
Tacos on the roof.

- Tacos on the roof?
- Yeah.

They do tacos
on the roof now.

On Fridays.
It's awesome.

Do you like tacos?

Do I look like
I like tacos?

You look like you enjoy a taco
from time to time, yeah.

You better believe I do.

Well, I'll see you
up there then.

I'll just finish
making my coffee,

and then I will
see you up there.

- On Friday.
- That's what I meant.

- Okay.
- All right.

'Cause the real issue is
the ambulance from the airport

got caught up in
the rugby match traffic,

you know, it was an
exhibition match,
yeah, France-Ireland,

so it was
a pretty hot ticket,
to say the least.

And that was at the same time
the Ed Sheeran gig

was getting out of
the RDS Arena,
so you know,

traffic wise,
he couldn't have picked
a worse time to-- [chuckles]

But, uh, anyway,
luckily, it wasn't
that big of a stroke.

But, uh, because of
his stroke last year--

What stroke last year?

His stroke was
two days ago.

No, no, no, no,
the first stroke.

Uh, the dementia
you've spoken about

is almost certainly a
consequence of the stroke
he had last year.

What, this was
his second stroke?

Yes.

Oh, great.

Oh, well, that--
that's great.

Well, he didn't
want to make a fuss.

And it wasn't a big one.

It's not a fuss,
he's my dad.

We need to know if
our father's had a stroke.

You-- You're so secretive.

What the hell?

And what about you?

What do you mean,
what about me?

Well, you're hardly
an open book.

You kept the fact that
you were seeing that
Sinn Fein counselor

quiet for a long time.

What? I was 18, and
it wasn't a Sinn Fein--

I'm just saying
you're a bit of
a dark horse yourself.

Jesus. Mum.

Even medically,
I need to know, let alone--

You know Dad and I
share genes.

I mean, you don't
need to worry because--

- I don't need to worry?
- No, I don't mean--

Look, I need to know
if I'm gonna keel over
and have a stroke one day

when I'm reading Frankie
the fuckin' Gruffalo.

- Stokes aren't hereditary.
- Oh, shut up, Fergal.

- No, no, he's correct.
- Oh, and you would--

Okay.

Thanks.

♪♪

Honey, I'm home.

Yeah. What's up?

Well, uh, Fran told me
about Sharon's dad,

and her going to Ireland
and leaving you all alone,

so I thought I'd check in,
make sure you hadn't gone
full Winehouse.

Look, Chris,
I don't need--

You told me more than once
you had a problem with booze,

and when somebody
tells you something
about themselves,

I've learned it's
a good idea to listen.

Look, there's a spectrum
that we're all on--

A spectrum?

Christ,
I haven't drunk today.

Do you want to
smell my breath?

No. You want to
smell my balls?

No, uh, but let me
make you a cup of tea.

No, thank you.
I have miles to go
before I sleep.

I like your tattoo,
what is it?

It's a female panther.

I like your jacket.

All right,
let's go in.

♪♪

Carol:
I should have known
when he said

he could smell
strawberries.

Fresh fruit on Ryanair.
That'll never happen.

Some chance.

They didn't even make
an announcement.

But credit to Des,
he did stroke quite quietly.

He doesn't like to
make a fuss.

When Harry
had his stroke,

he knocked over
a display pyramid

of Pepsi Max
in the supermarket.

Well, there's no good place
to have one.

Are you still in
your mum's place?

Yeah. God.
Grimsville, Idaho,

but still, it's only
a dart and two buses
to see the girls.

Yeah.

God, Fergal's
lookin' well, isn't he?

I found this. Look.
[chuckles]

Where's that from?

Oh, Sharon used to be
a flight attendant

for retarded slut airlines.

[laughing]

St. Mary's step's ball.

Look at the state of ya.

[laughs]
How are you, Fergal?

I haven't seen you
since the wedding.

Eh, all right.
You still with houseboat Harry?

Oh, God, no, no,
I left him when he hit me.

What?
You never told me that.
He hit you?

Yeah. Well, I mean,
he hit me with the thing
he threw at me.

Threw his
iPod shuffle at me.

So I just left.
Left all my stuff,

and I just walked out
in the middle of the night.

- Well, I mean, that's great.
- Well, actually,

I mean,
I went back the next night
to get my purse.

Oh, no.
Of course.

And to sink
his boat.

I sank his boat.

You still married?

I just remembered
I left a joint

under the floorboard
of my bedroom 20 years ago.

[chuckles]
Well, what are we
doing down here?

You okay?
Do you want a cup of tea?

Oh, you're
talking to me now.

Mum, I was never
not talking to you.

I was just not
looking at you.

I'm going to
check on your father.

Fergal's looking well.

Thank you.

♪♪

Hi again.

Man, you'd better
shut me off

or there won't be
any carne asada left
for anybody else.

That's a real possibility.

- You can't beat this.
- You really can't.

Costs about 600 pounds
a week to do,

but in fact,
this is the type of shit
that makes your employees

hang around two to
three months longer
on average.

Which can save a company
tens of thousands
over a fiscal year

in training
and recruitment fees.

Also, people like tacos.

How many tacos
have you had?

- Oh, actually, I don't--
- Cheers.

Thanks.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey.

Hey. Chris.

Remember me?

I'm still legally married
to your girlfriend.

Yeah, I remember you.
You want a beer?

No, thank you.

I just thought we should
have a little chat,

because you're spending
a fair amount of time in
my house with my son,

and I don't care for it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm not wild about you.

I suppose you could say
I wish you ill.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

Although,
you have choices.

The good news is that
you're at a fork in the road.

One path,
the one that I recommend,

could lead to
any number of places,

some lovely,
some peaceful.

- There you go.
- Thank you so much.

The other path
is a bad path.

If you were to choose
this path,

you better hope
the next person to walk it
is a forensic dentist,

so they can identify
your fuckin' skull,

and your mother
has something to bury
in the family plot.

Blah, blah, blah, blah
blah, blah, blah.

[indistinct]

What are you gonna do?

Bring along
a little stepladder,
climb up on it,

and punch me in
the tits to death?

Oh, you can save me the
"Braveheart" shit.

Consider your goal achieved.

Some nut job ex interrupting
my chicken Caesar wrap?

Fuck that noise.

I was gonna dump her
anyway.

Now I don't even
have to do that.

Leave Shelly a nice tip.

She's my favorite
bartender.

Oh, Dad.

Where's my fuckin'--

♪♪

Why don't I get
a fucking letter?

Rob:
That's Mike.

He's 28 and he's got
four kids.

I think he's, like,
Amish or Mormon.

Whichever one of those
does that.

[chuckles]
What's her name?

Rob: That's Tina.

How much do you think
she weighs?

I don't know.
70 pounds less than me.

[chuckles]

Okay, so say there's
a nuclear attack, right?

And everyone's dropped dead
except you and Harita.

How long before
you'd fuck her?

I mean, that'd be up to her,
because I would never--

Well, first off,
did my wife get killed
in this nuclear attack,

because if she wasn't dead,
I'd go and try and save her.

No, no, no,
your family are dead.
They died instantly.

They were vaporized.
You know, it's painless.

Oh, then I wouldn't be horny
because I'd be sad.

Oh, all right,
Morrisey.

[laughs]
Fat Morrisey.

Oh, Jesus, come on, man.
Fuck, I'm not that fat.

That's like the third thing
you'd notice about me.

I mean, first,
I'm tall.

Second,
I'm very friendly.

And then maybe you'd notice
that I'm slightly overweight.

[laughs]
Slightly.

So, what's it been like
coming back after, you know--

After Canada?

After you got busted
for trying to bone that
French girl in your office.

I didn't do anything
like that.

- And how do you--
- Oh, no, no, no.

Everyone here knows
you got suspended for
sexual misconduct.

It was a fuckin'
mutually agreed
leave of absence,

and a misunderstanding.
All right?

Keep your voice down.

Bobby. Cat's out of the bag
on this one, mate.

You might as well
make lemonade.

[laughing]
Hello?

Uh, where you goin'?

I gotta let
the babysitter go.

I'd wait half an hour
before I fucked Harita.

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

Sharon:
This happens
all the time.

I mean, I get looked over
every time.

I'm a good daughter.

I-- I sent
Father's Day cards.

I-- I buy the
birthday presents.

Do you know how he knows
when your birthday is?

- Because I fuckin' tell him.
- [scoffs]

I'm the oldest child,
I'm the first born.

Dad's known me
four more years than
he's known Fergal.

Well, maybe he was
writing yours and then,
you know,

he had a stroke
in the middle of it.

Yeah, maybe, but why did
he write yours first?

My letter should have
come first.

What if the last letter
Dad ever writes is to Fergal?

- You're being ridiculous.
- No, I'm not.

What's ridiculous
is this family not
acknowledging the truth.

Mum, I think what
Sharon's trying to say is

- we can't handle the truth.
- Oh, fuck off, Fergal.

- No, you calm down.
- I am calm,

but this is bullshit.

Do you know how it feels
to play second fiddle to
that prick all my life?

- Hang on.
- Do you have any idea

what that does to
your confidence?

Do you know
how many terrible men
I've had to sleep with

because Dad loves
that asshole more than me?

Not-- Not many,
actually,

but, you know,
this is really upsetting.

I'm really upset.

Where's all the--

Where's all the photos
of me and my kids?

There's just Fergal's
everywhere.

It's like Fergal,
Fergal, Fergal.

It's like a fuckin'
Fergal shrine in here.

My hand's in that photo
and that's it.

Actually, I don't think
that is your hand.

You weren't there
that day.

You don't send me
any photos.

Mum, I constantly email you
photos of me and the kids.

Yeah, what am I
supposed to do with those?

Fergal sends me photographs
already framed.

What?

Oh, my God.
You're a psychopath.

You don't send
a 65 year old with dial-up
a bunch of jpegs.

That's like asking
a fucking haddock

to do a suduki. Sudoku.
Whatever the fuck.

It is--
Because he's the son?

Does that make him
more important?

I'm going to let you get this
out of your system

and go and check on Des.

Or is it because
he embezzled money
from my husband?

Rob lent me money and
I'm paying him back.

Or is it because--
Is it because you're
so proud of his bags,

since his actual business
went under?

Or is it because
he left his wife

because he's
scared of Spain?

Mum, I didn't tell you
about the business

because I didn't want you
to worry about me.

I want you to be
proud of me.

I told Sharon because
I don't care what she thinks.

And that stuff
about Mallandra,

I mean, that was just--

I didn't mean any of that.
You know?

Dad getting sick
has changed everything.

I'm going back to Spain.

I just want to sell man bags
and be a good dad.

Well, it's all out
in the open now.

I am proud of you.
I always will be.

He's got drugs hidden
under the floorboards
in his bedroom.

♪♪

- [door opens]
- [keys jangling]

Sorry I'm late.

Do you--
Do you have my wallet?

No.

I have it.

You're giving me--
You're giving me too much.

[groaning]

You all right?

No, I'm gonna throw up.

- Well, don't lie down.
- It's fine.

I'm just gonna re--
relax a little bit,

and do it later.

Do you still need me
tomorrow?

Rob.

Did you make pancakes?

Smells like...

- fucking good.
- No.

Look, Muireann's
not long gone to sleep,

so just keep
an ear out, yeah?

[baby fussing]

[sighs]

♪♪

Don't worry.
You slept there.

I slept in
Muireann's room.

All right, so the money you
overpaid me last night,

just about covers me
staying over.

I'll see you later.

You should have a shower,

or walk through a car wash
or something.

You really smell.

[door opens]

[sniffing]

Do you want a cup of tea?

Great.
I'll have one, too.

I'm sorry.

[knocking]

How'd you know
where I live?

I've dropped you off here
like 25 times.

All right,
fair enough.

What do you want?

You left these in
Muiranne's room last night.

All right.
Thanks.

Listen, I'm really sorry
about last night,

and I'm not telling you
not to tell Sharon, but--

I-- I ain't
tellin' Sharon.

You think she fuckin'
won't kill the messenger?

Right.

And look, um,
this isn't a bribe,

uh, or a pay off.

It's just a way to say
thank you for--

I mean, what you did
last night was--

I mean, I always thought
you were a fine babysitter,

but now I know--

I can't feel
sorry for you.

You know, I missed a date
because of you last night.

Oh, man.
I'm really sorry.

I-- I mean, you can always
go around there now maybe.

Can I?

Or do you think
his girlfriend's
around there now?

I'm sorry.

I--

[sighs]

♪♪

Daddy.

[knocking]

I need help.

How did you know?

How did I know what?

He's dead.

He died.

- Fergal?
- Dad.

My Dad.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, honey.

♪♪