All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S03E04.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Jesus, Dave.

[retch]

Men shouldn't lie to women.

Don't feel
you need to talk to me.

Nothing ventured,
nothing gained.

Rob: Hey, Harita, I want
to talk about my future,

see if you had any use
for this old bag of bones

around the old shop.

I miss you guys.

Okay.

[Rob, Sharon grunting]

Where do you want me to come?

- Okay.
- No, where?

- Huh?
- Aah!

Ugh.

Ahh.

Ohh.

Are you sure it's okay
that we did that?

Yeah, it's fine because--

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck it.
It should be okay.

Did you pre-cum in me?

Yeah, I was pre-cumming
before I put it in.

Well, that's not very nice.

We need to be using
birth control.

We can't have any more kids.

I gotta go and see
the doctor tomorrow anyway

to work out why my tits
are so sore.

I'll look into a coil
or something.

You've been saying that
for over a year.

Yeah, well, it's just hard
because if I get the coil,

it will probably
stop the sore tits

because it will be
stopping my periods,

but the only thing
I like about my periods

- is that I get big tits.
- That hurt.

Yeah, but that are big.

Yeah, I guess big tits

are worth a little pain.

I wonder how much pain
I'd put up with

to be less fat.

- Probably not much.
- Yeah.

Thank you so much.

[laughing]

What time do your folks
get in tomorrow?

Uh, they get in at 6.

Fergal gets in at 3.

What's he doing back here?

He's got a little
business here.

How the fuck has Fergal
managed to start
another business?

Any idiot
can start a business.

You could start a business.

Business that sells what?

Business.

Do you not have any ideas?

Well, I do have
an idea for an app.

Get out.

No, seriously. Listen.

You know how
a lot of women in porn

don't have pubic hair?

Mm-hmm.

And then you know
how the Terminator

sees things with, like,
grids and heat signatures?

What if there was an app

that did the same
kind of thing

but only for bald pussies,

and when it found
a bald pussy,

it put a nice healthy
bush on it?

You pick the style.
Could be '70s bush

or 1870s
if you really want to.

But, I mean, that's,
you know, detail.

That's up to the user.

I'm being deadly serious now.

That is a fucking
brilliant idea.

Devil's advocate, though.

Have you
thought about the fact

that one day your daughter
might find out

what you do for a living?
Doesn't that worry you?

Am I worried that my
daughter will find out

that I'm a feminist
innovator?

No.

[phone rings]

Who's that?

- Uh, Fran.
- You're not going
to answer it?

No, I'll just let it
go to voicemail,
and then I'll text her.

Hey, should I cook
for your folks?

Are they going
to be eating?

Uh, no. Let's not
set that precedent.

You want to telegraph they're
not totally welcome here?

Fran wants us to have
dinner tomorrow night

with her and Chris.
That's weird.

She wants to ask us
something.

I wonder
what that's about.

If you'd answered your phone,
you might know that.

Maybe they want a threesome.

Uh, so wait,
so three of us fuck,

and then one of us
makes sandwiches?

You know
I meant a foursome.

I think that ship has sailed.

What about your parents?

No, I don't think they
want a foursome, either.

Ha! No they're just here
for the night,

and then they start
their funeral tour.

Two funerals in one visit.
Fair play.

Bye.

Bye.

Okay, I'm going
to go to school.

Drop some science on
the leaders of tomorrow.

What you doing?

I'm just going
to make the most

of my last few days
of freedom.

Might go to a UKIP meeting
or get a tattoo.

Ugh. Don't get a tattoo.

You want to go on the,
um, sitting thing?

The big soft sitting
thing with the squares.

- Uh--
- The couch?

Couch.

Couch?

It's called a couch.

Ha. That's a silly word.

Ha ha.

So you're back
in the Braeband fold.

- That sucks.
- Yeah, but look, you know,

I was watching the news
the other night,

and there's this doctor
in Aleppo,

and he puts
people back together

after they get blown up.

And he just stays there
and sticks it out.

And I know
that's not my situation,

but my family is my Syria,

and I have to work
at a terrible job

so that they can eat
and live in a house,

and that's just how it is.

Isn't it more that you just
couldn't get another job?

Oh, speaking of Syria.

Catherine wants a baby.

Really?

Well, that's great, buddy.

Yeah,
great for you, maybe.

How's that great for me?

I can't do it.

Look at me. I'm an idiot.

I haven't contributed
one thing to society.

What could I contribute
as a father?

What? You're funny.
You're enterprising.

You have beautiful blue eyes.

Rob,

if you're asking
if you can jerk me off,

the answer is yes.

It's not unbearable pain.

It's-- They just feel
sort of hot.

You know,
and lumpier than usual,

and yeah, you know,
if I touch them or run,

they just feel tender.

Nipples?

Pardon?

Do your nipples
feel tender?

Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Hmm.

[keyboarding]

You can put your top
back on now.

Oh, okay.

So I don't feel
anything suspicious.

There are some fatty tissue
deposits here and there.

And one of your nipples
is a little cock-eyed,

but, uh, that's just cosmetic.

Oh. Okay.

Sorry.

Geez, are my tits
that filthy?

Now, if you want,
we can pop in a coil.

That will stop your periods

and almost certainly
stop the breast pain.

Uh, what form of contraception
are you using now?

Uh, pull it out.

Um, the, you know,

the pull-it-out--
usually-- method,

which is obviously,
you know, silly.

Reckless.

Yeah. Right.

I thought about
getting the coil,

but, you know, I'm 44 now,

and my husband's not
in great shape,

so I just thought, What
are the chances, really?

Would you like me to assess
your ovarian reserve?

Eggs?

Yeah.

Uh, yeah, sure.

How many do I have?

Well, I'll have
to take a look-see.

Okay, sure.

Do I need to take
my tights off?

I'd recommend it.

- Hey.
- Hey!

You ready?

I thought we could go
get algae wraps

before the Action
for Children dinner.

Sure. Oh, shit.

I left my, um-- um...

Let me go grab my, uh--

um...

How have you been, Rob?

Good. Great.

How are you? How's--

You were a real mess
the night Dave OD'd.

It's none of my
business, really,

but are you getting
the help that you need?

Sure. I mean no
because I'm fine.

You know,
it was a one-time thing.

You know, if you
ever need to talk,

you can just come over.

Bring Sharon.

See you later, buddy.

Couch. I'm going
to look that up

because I think
you're pulling my leg.

Fergal:
That's our neighbors
Sebastian and Maria.

They don't speak English,
but they have a Jacuzzi.

- Ooh!
- There's Mallandra
in the Jacuzzi.

- Ah.
- That's the kitchen.

Oh!

That's not our cat.

That's just some Spanish cat.

Oh, that's our fire grill,
or parrilla,

where we do our asados.

That's Spanish
for special barbecue.

Wow, really living
the life of Riley.

How's business?

Well, my Spanish Uber idea

hasn't got off the ground
yet for two reasons.

The Spanish drivers
are unbelievably lazy.

And then, when they actually
do show up on time,

people get angry with them.

If you're on time
for something in Spain,

they look at you like
you've got two heads.

Point is it's a lazy culture
with no respect for time.

And you'd be better off
going into some kind

of ham-based business.

They always
have time for ham.

But I'm going to be marketing
leather man bags over here

that you get in Malaga
for fuck all.

They're cheap as chips,
and they're great quality.

Dad already bought one.

Dad, show us your man bag.

- What?
- Your new bag.

Your leather satchel.

Oh, here.

Yeah. Here we go.

Ahem.

See?

Wow.

You want to buy one?

That's your business?

Selling bags to me and Des?

[chuckle]

Very funny.

I hear you're heading
back into Braeband.

Christ, don't blow
your brains out.

I thought
you hated that place.

You still owe me £8,000.

I'm going to go get
the tuna off the grill.

You all right, Sha?

You look a bit distracted.

Huh? No, fine.

You guys should head
over to Spain for a break.

Get a bit of sun.

We have to settle
things back home first.

We've put the house
on the market.

Your father was having a bit
of trouble with the stairs.

We saw a bungalow
in town.

What?

Next door to Margaret Flynn's
eldest daughter.

Do you remember her? Siobhan.

She's divorced now.

She's living with a black
fella from Germany.

Jesus. Why are you only
telling me this now?

Well, Siobhan had
only just told me.

No. About moving.

You're terrible
communicators.

If you're having trouble,
I'd like to help.

But you have to tell me.

We're not moving back here.

I don't want to die
in Walthamstow.

You're not going to die,

and this isn't Walthamstow.

Would you prefer to die
in Spain, Dad?

Huh. Might be nice.

Is there a phone here?

Yeah. Yeah. You can use mine.
Who do you need to call?

Let Carol know I won't
be home for dinner.

She's a cranky old bitch
when I'm late.

Mum said from about 6:30
he's pretty useless.

He's like a toddler now.

It's bonkers.

It's tough being away
with all this going on.

I mean, what if something
happens to Dad?

Don't be stupid.
Nothing's going to
happen to him.

And if it does,
it'll be a long,
grim march.

A denouement.

Ugh. Knob.

You're in a shit mood
tonight.

I know.

I just found out
I'm, like, 99% barren.

What?

I started out
with 4 million eggs,

clutches of eggs, and now
there's, like, a handful.

I'm just an old crone.

I should start
figuring out

if I want to be buried
or cremated.

Well, I think
that you should be buried

because I'd like to have
somewhere to go and visit you.

Bring Frankie and Muireann,
sit down, play my luge.

Who cares?
No one knows you're old.

No one can see your egg
pockets or whatever.

We're lucky, genes-wise.

No one would believe
Rob and I are the same age.

He looks like shit.

He doesn't look like shit.

He's just a bit heavier
at the moment

because he's stressed out

and he's eaten a lot of coffee
toffee ice cream, okay?

Give him a break.

Come here.

Ah, don't fuss.

Just hugging you.

I'll call you
when we get to Peg's.

Call me any time.
I worry about you and him.

Ugh.

Sharon: Uhh.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fi-- Oh, God.

I'm just getting so old.

Everyone's getting old.

Frankie wipes
his own arse now.

My eggs are dead.

Well, honey, he doesn't--

Okay, yeah, he wipes it,

but he doesn't
wipe it clean.

He just wipes it
around the place.

I think
I'm having a hot flush.

You're not having
a hot flush.

It's probably
just a panic attack.

You lads okay with me sticking
around for a few days?

This is really good.

What is it?

Meat.
I mean beef.

- Mm.
- I thought so.

I had to hone
my culinary skills

when Chris left.

It's just me
and Jamie Oliver now.

I just popped it in the
slow cooker, and voilà.

Voilà what?

Falls off the bone.

Hello, love.
Can I get you anything?

No, thanks.

Can you say hello
to Sharon and Rob?

- Hello.
- Hi, Jeffrey.

You've gotten tall.

Before I forget.

- For you.
- Oh, wow.

When did this come out?
I didn't see this.

Well, it came out on DVD
same time as streaming.

Didn't get
a theatrical release
because it's arthouse.

Would you like Jeffrey
to autograph it for you?

- Fran
- For God's sake.

I'm only saying
what they're thinking.

You working on anything
at the moment, Jeffrey?

Not really.

He's just wrapped
in Woody Allen's new film.

Robert Duvall
and Emma Watson

play star-crossed
lovers in Vienna.

I was worried. I won't lie.

But they have on-set tutors
to, you know, keep an eye.

Chaperones, you know.

Right, what have you
got coming up next?

Nothing interesting.
Mostly just American shit.

- Right.
- Maybe if I had
a pair of tits,

I'd have a chance of getting
on "Game of Thrones."

No Star Wars,either.

They're only interested
in women now,

which I think is great,
but, you know, come on.

Give it a rest.

I just think he's not being
honest with himself

or with her.

When I asked him why he
smelled of piss that night,

he said you'd pissed on him,
which is bullshit, right?

If you piss yourself

the first night back drinking,

then you've got a problem.

The likelihood of that
being a one-time thing--

I don't think this is working.

Well, I have good news.

It is.

I was thinking
about what you said.

About having a baby?

Yeah.

I'm not going to do that.

You don't want kids?

No, no, I do.

I mean, biologically
and psychologically,

I want to be a dad.

Frankie made Rob a paper
boat the other day.

I mean, it was shitty.
It sank.

But I'd like a little
person to make me a boat.

Of course I would.

But I know I shouldn't.

My ingredients are bad.

How are they bad?

You speak fluent Russian.

I am not a good person.

And I've met a lot of people
along the way

who agree with me.

So I don't get
the little boat.

And so what?

You don't get everything
you want. Ha.

I'm pregnant.

That is wonderful news.

So...cut to the chase.

We invited you here
this evening

to showcase my
slow cooker, obviously,

and to say that, well,
because of the divorce,

we have to do
some estate planning.

And we wanted
to ask you two

if you would consider being
legal guardians to Jeffrey.

Look after him if we die.
If we both die.

Wow.

Oh. Right.

Um, wow. Um...

Okay.

Well, that's--

that's a lot to take in.

- Um...
- I mean,

may I ask why us?

- Because we love you.
- We couldn't agree
on anyone else.

Right.

Well, I mean, that's
really flattering, right?

Oh, yeah. I mean, you know,
for me, it's yes.

I don't want to speak
on Sharon's behalf, but--

Right, yeah. I mean,

for me, it's, um...
But I just think,

out of respect for
the question and for you guys,

it's something, you know,
we should discuss at home.

Take your time.
Not too long, though.

[chuckle]

We thought you just
wanted a foursome.

How about Fran
puts on some tea,

I have a piss,

and then we come back
and you say yes?

But we're not--
we're not saying no.

I think what we're
probably saying is that,

you know,
we just need time to--

- Douglas: I'm home.
- [door closes]

Is that Douglas?

You're early.

Yeah, finished up early,
so I thought I'd pop back

to see if the Warsaw Pact
was drawing to a close.

Fran [chuckling]: Mm.

Douglas: Mm. [kiss] Mm.

Oh, um, this is
Sharon and Rob.

Good friends.
And this is Douglas.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Aloha.

And Chris.

This is Douglas. Ahem.

Nice to meet you, Chris.

Well, there you are.

There's some meat--

uh, beef in the slow cooker
if you're hungry.

No, thanks. I'd like to die
with all my own teeth.

Have you seen this?

Uh, no, no.
We just got it.

So...where is
the little laddy?

Rob: We should maybe say yes

because are both
of them going to die

in the next three years?

No way.
And then we'll have done

something wonderful
for them,

so they'll let us stay

at their beach house
in Biarritz probably.

Yeah, but what if she
dies of cancer

and then he dies a year later
of a different kind of cancer?

Or if he gets hit
by a rubbish truck?

You know,
or what if he doesn't die?

What if he's just a vegetable

or has to live
in an iron lung?

I don't want to look
after Chris and Jeffrey.

I mean, I love Chris,

but I don't want
to have to wash his balls.

- Really?
- No. Look,

I'm just saying we need
to read the small print.
What do we get?

Yeah? I mean,
we know what they get.

They get their son
taken care of.
What do we get?

Let's ask them.

I mean, maybe
we get their house.

You know,
we'd have to maintain

Jeffrey's
deluxe lifestyle.

Yeah, because, like,
what if Daniel Radcliffe

and Susan Sarandon
want to come over?

You know they can't come here.

They should let us move in
to their house when they die.

Okay, so we say we'll do it
if they sign a contract

giving us a sort of posthumous
dowry of their house.

Yeah, but just temporarily

until Jeffrey turns 18--

or 21.

Jesus.

Talk about two birds
with one stone.

How do you mean?

Well, you were worried
about no eggs.

Now you're going
to get an extra son,

and Susan Sarandon's
coming over for dinner.

What?

What--

Why don't you say something

to make me feel better
about my no eggs?

What if you
went to the doctor

and they were like,
"Oh, bad luck,

you've no sperm left in you"?

What you blow
into your wife from now on

will just be, you know,
dead glop.

I'd say that's terrific.

No, you wouldn't.

And what if you have
the urge to make more babies?

You know? What if your body's
like, "I need more babies,"

and my egg-less body can't
do it, and so you leave me?

Do you not listen to me?

I would love you more
if you had no eggs.

I want to be with you,
our current children,

and that's it.

I'm rotting, Rob.

Me, too.

And that's fine.

Look, your body
is slowly turning off,

and that's upsetting to you,

but it's supposed to happen.

And if it's any consolation,

your pussy still tastes
and smells delicious.

And not all of them do.

Honestly,
that really means a lot.

What about Douglas,
though?

Holy shit.

You can tell he sucks
right out of the gate.

Yeah.

[knock on door]

What?

Fergal:
Can you give me a hand?

I can't get
the printer working.

What do you need fucking
printing anyway?

Nothing.

Huh?

I don't need
anything printed.

I just needed to talk to you.

I've run away from Spain.

- What?
- I want to leave Spain,

and if Mallandra
won't come back,

then I'm going
to leave Mallandra.

She's horrible in Spain.

She walks around naked now,

all comfortable
with her body.

Also, some of the lads
from the local cantina

took me to a bull fight,
and I fainted.

So I'm pretty much
blacklisted now socially.

Just need to figure out a way

to get the girls out
of the country legally.

[laughing]

It's not funny.

No, but, I mean,

I can see how it's
not funny to you,

but can you see how it's
quite funny to me?

- No.
- Well, look, you
can't stay here.

- Where am I supposed to go?
- Where did you say
your girls were again?

- Spain.
- Well, there you go.

Oh, shit.

[doorbell rings]

I think you know why I'm here.

I'm here to bully you
into being guardian to my kid.

It's you guys
or ape man Douglas,

and I'd re-animate
from the dead

to stop that fucker ever
getting his mitts on him.

Adopt my son when I die.

Mate, I'm pretty sure
I can smell booze on you.

Don't you not drink?

I have the odd drink now.

Okay.

Does Sharon know?

I have the odd
private drink.

Right.

You want to talk about it?

Not really.

I mean, I didn't drink,
and now I slightly drink.

But look, you don't
need to bully me.

We'll be guardians
to your son.

There's just
some fine print--

No, you've got a lot
on your plate.

Let's park it.

Well, why? That's--

For a good few years you told
me you shouldn't drink,

and I took your word for it.

And now you're drinking.

Well, okay. But, like,
look, can you--

I won't tell Sharon.

Someone will, though.

May be a good idea
if it was you.

H-Hang on a second,
Chris.

Listen, I know
what you're thinking,
and I just want to say

I don't know I had a problem
with booze itself.

I mean, yeah,
sure I had problems.

Can you trace it to booze?
You know, I'm not so sure.

You know,
I was younger then.

Oh, fuck!

Ohh. Oh, this is--

I twisted my ankle
a few weeks ago,

so that's what--
and it's still--

so that's what that was.

I know
it would be convenient

for your little theory,
but I'm fine.

I'm actually
doing really well.

Hi, Pearl.

♪♪ [male singer vocalizing]