Original subtitles

Everything's changed. Now Rob's left his job

because he wanted to.

He wasn't fired or laid off.

He just felt like it.

So we have to move house, into a smaller house,

which is, I mean it's not the end of the world.

You know, there's rooms we don't use.

But it's stressful. It's emotional.

Um, our daughter was born there.

- No, she wasn't. - Yep.

Well, she was born while we lived there,

so it's all she knows.

I've had to go back to work,

which, you know, he-- Rob made that choice for us.

I mean, it's the right choice.

Well, we all make choices, honey.

Don't we, Anthony?

Yeah. Of course we all do.

Uh, so you want to put the house on the market, yeah?

Yeah. So I'd say it's worth a fair amount now,

isn't it, our house? We painted it.

It's all Deluxe Heritage colors now, isn't it?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

We bought it

about two and a half years ago,

so I'd say it's value is--

Yeah, I got you a great price for that, I remember.

But, um, right now I'd say

it's not gonna be worth a lot more

than what you paid for it.

How much not a lot more?

Well, it's all sort of dropped off a bit, ain't it?

Since the old Brexit nonsense.

If I'm honest, now is not a good time to sell.

If I were you, I'd just sort of leave it for a while.

Just out of curiosity,

if it is such a worthless shit hole,

why did you make us buy it in the first place?

We didn't make you buy it, did we?

I remember you telling us

we were making a great investment.

Yeah, you were.

Look, it is a great investment.

Just sounds to me like you're contradicting yourself.

I'm just telling you the market reality.

The market reality?

How you gonna get a good rate with an attitude like that?

You know, what about positive thinking?

I mean, you gotta jazz it up, buddy.

Yeah. And why are you smiling?

You're telling us bad news.

You should do that with a somber face

or a neutral one.

It just doesn't seem like you're a serious person.

All the smiling, your clothes.

You're at work,

People make life decisions in here,

and you're sitting there all trussed up.

You look like a magician.

Because of the jewelry.

So do we take a sign with us to stick in our lawn?

Nah, we've got a guy.

Cool.

So if you think you like the house,

I should say that I received an offer last week

from two men-- uh, brothers, I think.

They had the same haircut.

Um, they may just have been roommates.

Eh, probably.

They said they were dancers.

- Oh. - In any case, though,

they were talking about knocking this down

and ripping that out.

What? That's nuts. This house is great.

Thank you. Yes, my wife had a flair for design.

You can't buy carpets this color anymore.

- It's a very bright brown. - Mm. Persian,

or, as you young people call it now, Iran.

We used to call it Persia. That was good enough for us.

So, uh, would you like a drink of any kind?

Oh, yeah. I'll-- I'll have a tea,

uh, with lemon, thank you, Wallace.

Uh, Robert?

Uh, no. I'm good, thank you.

Tea with lemon?

Shut up.

What do you think?

Do you think his wife died here?

Who cares? It's charming as fuck.

I think I love it.

Can I show you one thing very quickly?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Very uncomfortable.

Right. Well, maybe learn to take a shit in under 20 minutes?

That's ridiculous and impossible.

I really like this house. I swear to God,

if you knocked through that pokey kitchen

into that ridiculous little scullery,

you'd take away a lot of the--

charm of the sort of--

you know, how it's like a cozy maze.

So I don't know

what those dancers were talking about.

Do you feel bad that we lied to an old man?

I feel bad that you lied to him.

I mean, I was just standing there

while you told him we had a mortgage ready to go.

Well, it might be lie today,

but it's not gonna be a lie next week, maybe, I think.

I like this little area, do you?

Sure.

It's a great house.

I mean, I thought I was gonna be embarrassed--

you know, moving into a tiny house,

but that house is just-- almost feels like a choice.

Ha.

How long do you think to sell our house?

I don't know, but even if we get the asking price,

it's gonna be tight if we want to get somewhere in this area.

Yeah, well, maybe it's not just selling the house.

Maybe we need to start thinking

about paring back our lives.

I mean I'll be happy to downsize.

I'm a pretty simple person, and--

Why are you doing that with your face?

Sorry. Just my eyes rolled back so fast,

it actually pulled my skull backwards.

You're not a simple person.

I am. I'm Irish. We're simple people.

Uh, an Irish milkmaid is a simple person.

You're a cosmopolitan clothes fiend

who consciously left Ireland to come here and shop.

Do you really think I'm cosmopolitan?

Well, how about, as a sort of interim

kind of a cash flow sort of a thing,

and, I mean, this might sound crazy,

but I'll remind you it was your idea.

What if, per your idea,

I did become a big and tall model?

I mean, it was crazy then,

but now I weigh at least 20 pounds more,

so I really am big and tall,

so maybe it's not as crazy as I thought.

What? It was your idea.

Yeah, I'm not sure I was being serious.

I think I was probably flirting with you.

You said nice things to me when we first met.

I meant those nice things.

Yeah, well, they were tailored to get into my knickers.

I didn't have to say anything special

to get into your knickers.

I just had to say "Hello" or "Remove your knickers."

Well, look, yeah. Give it a go.

I mean, you are-- you're big and tall.

They'd be lucky to have you.

Just make sure you tell them you won't model fur.

What about leather?

All you're gonna get is leather work.

You could cancel your gym membership.

Not if I'm gonna be a model.

That's right.

Come on, you pussy.

Oh, mother fuck.

Ah.

I need to stop.

I don't want to get too ripped on day 1.

Too late, baby.

I haven't seen you for a while.

Uh, yeah. I used my membership so little last year

that it worked out to about 70 quid a visit.

I can't afford that.

- Sell your house yet? - Uh, not yet

but we just hired a guy

who wears a lot of really beautiful jewelry

to sell it,

so it should fly off the shelf now.

Fran came to see me last night.

Looks like we've reached a settlement détente.

She wants an amicable divorce.

That's nice.

Ah, when your life falls apart,

it's nice to keep things nice.

I'm gonna give her half of everything--

including Jeffrey.

What's happening with you and Sharon?

You all squared with her snake handling, so to speak?

Yeah. We're okay. It's getting better.

And honestly, at this point in our marriage,

if she makes a mistake, it just gives me leverage

for whatever monstrous thing

I'll definitely do next month.

Marriage is like a game of chess,

but the board is made of water,

and the pieces are made of smoke.

- Who said that? - I said it.

No, you didn't.

Jerry Seinfeld said that.

He said it, too, but who said it first?

- He did. - Yeah, but who just said it?

Spot me.

You have a lovely home.

Well, thank you.

I don't think I've ever had the pleasure

of two such beautiful ladies on one social call.

So healthy.

Oh, I like you.

Do you come with the house?

Uh, no, no. I-- I hope, when I sell this place,

to move into a small apartment in town.

I'd like to be a little, um, closer to the action.

- Oh. - And they'll find me sooner

if I die at home by myself.

Oh, don't say that.

I'm sure someone would find you here.

Oh, you're too kind.

Uh, so I'll wait to hear from you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just, um...

Yeah, we'll just sort the-- Yeah.

Oh, I often think it might be nice to be with an older guy.

They just know more.

Really? They don't seem like they know more.

Actually, they're a lot closer to knowing less.

Oh, I don't know. Experience counts.

They'd know their way around a woman's body.

Stop saying stuff like that and looking over at Wallace.

What do you think of it?

Well, if you have to move,

it seems like a good a place as any.

Could Rob just not save you both all this grief

and go back to his job?

It seems like he's being a wee bit of a selfish shit.

Yeah, but he hated it there.

I mean, he really hated it,

and I don't currently occupy the moral high ground

because of the-- ck-ck-- so...

There's fireplaces in all the bedrooms.

Oh, Game of Thrones.

You can make love in front of every one of them.

Hey, thanks for doing this.

Nothing else to do.

I kicked Patrick out last week.

Oh, I'm sorry. He was awful.

I'm getting straight back on the horse, though.

- Going right back out there. - Well, good for you.

Just gonna have a little nip and tuck first.

Really?

- Why? - It's tough out there,

and you catch a lot more flies with honey than shit.

I mean, I'm not saying that this is shit,

but I'd like a little more honey.

Is that true? Catch more flies with honey than shit?

Isn't shit, like, they're favorite thing?

What's he doing?

Oh.

Hi.

Aw.

You've got two original fireplaces,

original wood flooring.

It's parquet, right?

Yeah, that's parquet, that.

When you add that to your great schools

and your transport links, you can't really go wrong.

Well, we're gonna have a look upstairs now, yeah?

- Help yourself. - Great house.

Oh, thank you. Enjoy the bedrooms.

If there's any dirty knickers on the floor,

just kick them under the bed.

I mean, there won't be.

We knew you were coming.

Added features...

- Do you think they like it? - I don't know.

Do you think they'll put an offer in?

Yeah, no, I know. You don't know.

Fuck. It's nerve-wracking.

I went to see Wallace's place again with Fran.

He asked if we were full steam ahead. I didn't know what to tell him.

The truth-- that we're not?

I mean, we don't even have an offer on this place yet.

Yeah, but he's put an offer in on his bachelor pad.

Well, tell him not to do that.

Why? Look, if we get Wallace's place,

it's gonna take the money pressure off, right?

Yeah, but we don't even have a mortgage yet.

Yeah, but we will.

We're asking for half the mortgage we got now.

Let's just do it. Let's go for it.

We're gonna sell this place.

I mean, look at it. Look at our cushions.

I'd buy it if I didn't already own it or could afford it.

It's nuts we've had no offers yet.

We should put it on with another estate agent. He's an idiot.

What does he do up there, take a nap with them?

Or like, uh, put on a magic show?

That's probably what he does.

We should call him David Blaine,

like, between us, like, to each other.

David Blaine it is.

Fran told me she's getting some work done.

- On her house? - No, on her face.

Christ, why is she doing that?

I don't know. Because she's in her mid-40s and single

and it's grim out there.

So she wants to look more like an angry, surprised alien

when she meets new guys?

Don't you do anything to your face.

Okay.

I'm serious. Never ever touch your face.

Well, you know, I don't plan to,

but if, down the road,

there was a procedure that didn't hurt

- and it was guaranteed-- - Look, look, no, listen.

I want to fuck you.

- Do you? - Yeah,

because you're like

"This is it, take it or leave it."

It's like bald guys.

Women and gay guys don't give a shit if a guy's bald

if he's like "I'm a man, I'm fucking bald,

and that's how it is."

Then you're like "Gimme that dick, you bald asshole."

Yeah, that's true.

Don't you go bald, though.

Okay.

So there's nothing about me you'd change?

- What? - No, I mean surgically.

There's nothing about me

you'd surgically change if you could?

No.

Not even my saggy tits?

- They're not saggy. - Yeah, they are.

I was bending over, getting out the bath the other day,

and Frankie pointed at them and said "Tubes."

Fuck Frankie.

Look, are they less like the breasts

I would've drawn on my notebook in high school?

Maybe, but are they attached to you?

Are they still a couple feet above an amazing pussy?

That's the nicest thing you've said to me in weeks.

Oh. It's Wallace.

It's 10 past 11.

Yeah. He's old,

so he doesn't know how to text.

I think he's just lonely, and he likes me.

He's like the grandpa I never had.

I mean, I had grandpas,

but they were more, you know, drunker.

You're not gonna answer it?

No. It's fucking 10 past 11.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Mm. - Mm.

You know, I'm just gonna grab a couple for my kids.

Yeah, sure.

Um, my pass thing isn't--

Let's have a look. May I see it?

Um...

Oh, it says we charged your card

for the membership for the last quarter,

- and it didn't go through. - Oh, that's weird.

Uh, you know, my other card is in my car.

Do you mind if I pop out and grab that?

Sure.

I've thought about vaginal rejuvenation,

but I've been pretty good with my kegals,

and I've only had one child--

a son-- the actor Jeffrey Baisley?

So I'm doing pretty good in that department.

We don't do vaginal rejuvenation here anyway.

Oh, good.

So, um...

what were you, uh, thinking of?

Uh, well I-- I was thinking of my chin.

There's nothing wrong with your chin.

Or not my chin, my jowls.

Get these bits lifted up, up and away.

I try and keep my hair short

to try and not draw attention--

Why would you do that?

I don't know where you got the insane idea

that you need to do this.

Television, magazines, ads on the tube.

Uh--

Maybe just inject a wee bit of botox like--

Yes. I could.

Maybe after, I'll nip to the Louvre,

paint a little petunia in the Mona Lisa'shair.

- Sorry? - I wouldn't do that.

You know why? She's a masterpiece.

Doesn't need it.

Neither do you.

Oh.

Uh...

back in a minute.

Excuse me. Oh. Sorry.

Uh, I wanted to, um--

Look, maybe you've just got a very good bedside manner

and I have misinterpreted this,

but since my husband left me,

my motto is-- well, I don't have a motto.

I'm not a netball club.

But it's nothing ventured, nothing gained.

So...

Sorry.

"I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me."

"And what can be the use of him is more than I can see."

"He's very very like me from the heels up to the head."

"And I see him jump before me

when I jump into my bed."

"The funniest thing about him is the way he likes..."

Um, I can't talk unless it's an emergency.

- Is it an emergency? - No, I'm just--

It's an emergency. Sorry.

I have an emergency.

Hey, what did they say?

I'm just heading into the bank now.

Oh, okay. Well, it'll be fine.

Just thank them for the huge mortgage we have,

and tell them we want to trade it in for a smaller one.

- It's so simple. - Yep.

It's not like we're trying to fleece anybody.

We're just trying to be responsible adults.

- Yeah. - Treating us like criminals.

- I haven't even gone in yet. - Okay. Sorry

Um, well, look, um, good luck.

Call me.

Fuck.

Hey! I'm sitting here!

Fucking jerk.

Hey. Hi, Dan.

Uh, it's Rob. I just want to-

Hey, Rob. Yeah, I was just about to call you.

Well, great.

Yeah, it didn't go your way with Glenco.

- Right. - Yeah. Apparently,

they had mostly hired this other guy

before they saw you,

but then they still really wanted to see you,

uh, but then meeting you,

uh, didn't make them change their mind

about the other guy.

Does that make sense?

Does that make sense? No.

They knew they had the guy that they wanted,

but they still strung me along for a week?

No, no, that doesn't make sense

in answer to your query.

Hey.

Hey, Dave, you busy?

Not really. What's up?

Well, I was wondering if you knew of any people

that might be able to help me with a mortgage

that operate outside

of the traditional banking realm.

Uh, yeah, I definitely do.

Well, great.

Yeah, but I think what sets them apart from a bank

is their interest rates

aren't super competitive,

and if you're late for a payment, they will kill you,

and there'd be no funeral and no wake

because your body wouldn't be found.

I mean, you could have a memorial service,

but there'd be no body.

Uh, does that make sense?

I didn't get that job.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit. How did it go with the--

And they're not gonna give us a mortgage.

- What? - He said the biggest mortgage we could get

was for a stereo.

Why would he say that?

He didn't say that, but it turns out

that a schoolteacher and a house husband

don't qualify for a mortgage of the size that we need.

For people in our position,

a more realistic time to get a mortgage would be 2007.

We didn't even know each other then.

So what--

Why are you wearing no trousers?

Because on top of everything else,

I'm fat now and they hurt,

so when I got home, I threw them away.

Oh, Christ.

This is terrible news.

So what now? I mean, what--

Oh, shit. What about Wallace?

What about Wallace?

No, I know it's not as--

But I just--

I feel awful. His little bachelor pad.

Mm, sorry our shitty lives

are now making somebody else's worse.

- He could die soon. - We're not a hospice.

- You're gonna have to tell him. - You have to tell him.

We feel terrible about this.

We feel sick, honestly.

It's a-- It's a terrible situation

for-- for everyone,

I mean we're devastated--

not just for us, but for letting you down.

You know, when our daughter Muireann was born,

I said to Sharon--

Are you mentally retarded?

No, I'm not.

So just an idiot and a liar.

You-- You-- You don't have a job,

but you thought you could get a mortgage?

Well, no, but Sharon--

No. No, no.

I'm going to sue you. You shook my hand.

You can't sue us for shaking your hand.

I fought at Suez, and that wasn't half as upsetting

as what you people are putting me through.

We-- We brought you cupcakes.

You're liars, stupid liars.

Well, look, we really hope this doesn't mean

you've lost your apartment in town.

Oh, it better fucking not!

Well, we're very sorry.

I'm going to have to sell the home I raised my children in

to a pair of faggots.

- Wallace! What? - Hey, Wallace,

look, we're very sorry about all of this, okay?

But in actual legal fact,

you have no power over us, okay?

So this visit, or the first half of it,

was just to extend you a courtesy.

We're sorry, okay?

And we hope you don't wind up on the street

because you look pretty frail.

Frail? Oh!

I'll kick a cupcake up your pussy!

Why are you looking at me?

Let's go. Let's just go.

And he definitely doesn't know where we live?

Not unless he followed us home.

What are we gonna do?

We keep the doors locked?

I have a big flashlight under the bed.

I meant about where we live.

I think we're gonna have to rent somewhere.

Well, we definitely can't afford to stay here.

We can afford it for, like, another hour and a half.

Okay. I'm sure-- I'm not definite,

but I'm pretty sure that I've still got

a Post Office savings account in Ireland.

I don't know how much is in there, but--

Is it more or less than £800,000?

It's less.

Well, then you can just leave it there, then.

Can I help you?

Um, yeah. I was just wondering, um,

how to go about, uh, getting on your books?

In what way?

Uh, well, uh, I'm 6'4", and I weigh 250 pounds,

and, you know, it's just something

that my wife thought that I should see if--

she wondered if, you know, if it would be worth--

Would that be possible?

I'm afraid we're not currently looking

to take any new clients on our books.

Right. Sure.

But thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, Harita, long time, no, uh...

Well, I just wanted to call

and-- and check in and see how you're doing.

I hope you had a nice, um, break.

I think I remember you saying

you were going on a whaling trip off of Okinawa.

I hope-- hope that was fun.

Um, so yeah, give me a call.

I wanted to talk about my future,

see if you had any use for this old bag of bones

around the old shop. So,

yeah, anyway, give me a call. I miss you guys.