All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S03E03.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Everything's changed.
Now Rob's left his job

because he wanted to.

He wasn't fired or laid off.

He just felt like it.

So we have to move house,
into a smaller house,

which is, I mean it's not
the end of the world.

You know, there's rooms
we don't use.

But it's stressful.
It's emotional.

Um, our daughter
was born there.

- No, she wasn't.
- Yep.

Well, she was born
while we lived there,

so it's all she knows.

I've had to go back to work,

which, you know, he--
Rob made that choice for us.

I mean,
it's the right choice.

Well, we all
make choices, honey.

Don't we, Anthony?

Yeah. Of course we all do.

Uh, so you want
to put the house
on the market, yeah?

Yeah. So I'd say it's worth
a fair amount now,

isn't it, our house?
We painted it.

It's all Deluxe Heritage
colors now, isn't it?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

We bought it

about two and a half
years ago,

so I'd say it's value is--

Yeah, I got you a great
price for that, I remember.

But, um, right now I'd say

it's not gonna
be worth a lot more

than what you paid for it.

How much not a lot more?

Well, it's all sort of
dropped off a bit, ain't it?

Since the old Brexit nonsense.

If I'm honest, now is not
a good time to sell.

If I were you, I'd just
sort of leave it for a while.

Just out of curiosity,

if it is such
a worthless shit hole,

why did you make us buy it
in the first place?

We didn't make you
buy it, did we?

I remember you telling us

we were making
a great investment.

Yeah, you were.

Look, it is
a great investment.

Just sounds to me like you're
contradicting yourself.

I'm just telling you
the market reality.

The market reality?

How you gonna get a good rate
with an attitude like that?

You know, what about
positive thinking?

I mean, you gotta
jazz it up, buddy.

Yeah.
And why are you smiling?

You're telling us
bad news.

You should do that
with a somber face

or a neutral one.

It just doesn't seem
like you're a serious person.

All the smiling,
your clothes.

You're at work,

People make life decisions
in here,

and you're sitting there
all trussed up.

You look like a magician.

Because of the jewelry.

So do we take a sign with us
to stick in our lawn?

Nah, we've got a guy.

Cool.

So if you think
you like the house,

I should say that I received
an offer last week

from two men--
uh, brothers, I think.

They had the same haircut.

Um, they may just have
been roommates.

Eh, probably.

They said
they were dancers.

- Oh.
- In any case, though,

they were talking
about knocking this down

and ripping that out.

What? That's nuts.
This house is great.

Thank you. Yes, my wife
had a flair for design.

You can't buy carpets
this color anymore.

- It's a very bright brown.
- Mm. Persian,

or, as you young people
call it now, Iran.

We used to call it Persia.
That was good enough for us.

So, uh, would you like
a drink of any kind?

Oh, yeah. I'll--
I'll have a tea,

uh, with lemon,
thank you, Wallace.

Uh, Robert?

Uh, no.
I'm good, thank you.

Tea with lemon?

Shut up.

What do you think?

Do you think
his wife died here?

Who cares?
It's charming as fuck.

I think I love it.

Can I show you
one thing very quickly?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Very uncomfortable.

Right. Well, maybe
learn to take a shit
in under 20 minutes?

That's ridiculous
and impossible.

I really like this house.
I swear to God,

if you knocked through
that pokey kitchen

into that ridiculous
little scullery,

you'd take away
a lot of the--

charm of the sort of--

you know, how it's
like a cozy maze.

So I don't know

what those dancers
were talking about.

Do you feel bad that we
lied to an old man?

I feel bad
that you lied to him.

I mean, I was
just standing there

while you told him we had
a mortgage ready to go.

Well, it might be lie today,

but it's not gonna be a lie
next week, maybe, I think.

I like this little area,
do you?

Sure.

It's a great house.

I mean, I thought I was
gonna be embarrassed--

you know, moving
into a tiny house,

but that house is just--
almost feels like a choice.

Ha.

How long do you think
to sell our house?

I don't know, but even
if we get the asking price,

it's gonna be tight if we want
to get somewhere in this area.

Yeah, well, maybe it's not
just selling the house.

Maybe we need
to start thinking

about paring back our lives.

I mean I'll be
happy to downsize.

I'm a pretty simple
person, and--

Why are you doing that
with your face?

Sorry. Just my eyes
rolled back so fast,

it actually pulled
my skull backwards.

You're not a simple person.

I am. I'm Irish.
We're simple people.

Uh, an Irish milkmaid
is a simple person.

You're a cosmopolitan
clothes fiend

who consciously left Ireland
to come here and shop.

Do you really think
I'm cosmopolitan?

Well, how about,
as a sort of interim

kind of a cash flow
sort of a thing,

and, I mean,
this might sound crazy,

but I'll remind you
it was your idea.

What if, per your idea,

I did become
a big and tall model?

I mean, it was crazy then,

but now I weigh
at least 20 pounds more,

so I really am big and tall,

so maybe it's not
as crazy as I thought.

What? It was your idea.

Yeah, I'm not sure
I was being serious.

I think I was probably
flirting with you.

You said nice things to me
when we first met.

I meant those nice things.

Yeah, well, they were tailored
to get into my knickers.

I didn't have to say
anything special

to get into your knickers.

I just had to say "Hello"
or "Remove your knickers."

Well, look, yeah.
Give it a go.

I mean, you are--
you're big and tall.

They'd be lucky
to have you.

Just make sure you tell them
you won't model fur.

What about leather?

All you're gonna get
is leather work.

You could cancel
your gym membership.

Not if I'm gonna be a model.

That's right.

Come on, you pussy.

Oh, mother fuck.

Ah.

I need to stop.

I don't want to get
too ripped on day 1.

Too late, baby.

I haven't seen you
for a while.

Uh, yeah.
I used my membership
so little last year

that it worked out
to about 70 quid a visit.

I can't afford that.

- Sell your house yet?
- Uh, not yet

but we just hired a guy

who wears a lot of really
beautiful jewelry

to sell it,

so it should
fly off the shelf now.

Fran came to see me
last night.

Looks like we've reached
a settlement détente.

She wants an amicable divorce.

That's nice.

Ah, when your life
falls apart,

it's nice
to keep things nice.

I'm gonna give her
half of everything--

including Jeffrey.

What's happening
with you and Sharon?

You all squared with her
snake handling, so to speak?

Yeah. We're okay.
It's getting better.

And honestly, at this
point in our marriage,

if she makes a mistake,
it just gives me leverage

for whatever monstrous thing

I'll definitely do
next month.

Marriage is like
a game of chess,

but the board
is made of water,

and the pieces
are made of smoke.

- Who said that?
- I said it.

No, you didn't.

Jerry Seinfeld said that.

He said it, too,
but who said it first?

- He did.
- Yeah, but who just said it?

Spot me.

You have a lovely home.

Well, thank you.

I don't think I've
ever had the pleasure

of two such beautiful ladies
on one social call.

So healthy.

Oh, I like you.

Do you come with the house?

Uh, no, no. I-- I hope,
when I sell this place,

to move into a small
apartment in town.

I'd like to be a little,
um, closer to the action.

- Oh.
- And they'll find me sooner

if I die at home by myself.

Oh, don't say that.

I'm sure someone
would find you here.

Oh, you're too kind.

Uh, so I'll wait
to hear from you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll just, um...

Yeah, we'll just
sort the-- Yeah.

Oh, I often think it might be
nice to be with an older guy.

They just know more.

Really? They don't seem
like they know more.

Actually, they're a lot
closer to knowing less.

Oh, I don't know.
Experience counts.

They'd know their way
around a woman's body.

Stop saying stuff like that
and looking over at Wallace.

What do you think of it?

Well, if you have to move,

it seems like a good
a place as any.

Could Rob just
not save you both
all this grief

and go back to his job?

It seems like he's being
a wee bit of a selfish shit.

Yeah,
but he hated it there.

I mean,
he really hated it,

and I don't currently
occupy the moral high ground

because of the--
ck-ck-- so...

There's fireplaces
in all the bedrooms.

Oh, Game of Thrones.

You can make love in front
of every one of them.

Hey, thanks for doing this.

Nothing else to do.

I kicked Patrick out
last week.

Oh, I'm sorry.
He was awful.

I'm getting straight back
on the horse, though.

- Going right back out there.
- Well, good for you.

Just gonna have a little
nip and tuck first.

Really?

- Why?
- It's tough out there,

and you catch a lot more
flies with honey than shit.

I mean, I'm not saying
that this is shit,

but I'd like
a little more honey.

Is that true? Catch more
flies with honey than shit?

Isn't shit, like,
they're favorite thing?

What's he doing?

Oh.

Hi.

Aw.

You've got two
original fireplaces,

original wood flooring.

It's parquet, right?

Yeah, that's parquet, that.

When you add that
to your great schools

and your transport links,
you can't really go wrong.

Well, we're gonna have
a look upstairs now, yeah?

- Help yourself.
- Great house.

Oh, thank you.
Enjoy the bedrooms.

If there's any dirty
knickers on the floor,

just kick them
under the bed.

I mean, there won't be.

We knew you were coming.

Added features...

- Do you think they like it?
- I don't know.

Do you think they'll
put an offer in?

Yeah, no, I know.
You don't know.

Fuck. It's nerve-wracking.

I went to see Wallace's
place again with Fran.

He asked if we were
full steam ahead. I didn't
know what to tell him.

The truth-- that we're not?

I mean, we don't even have
an offer on this place yet.

Yeah, but he's put an offer
in on his bachelor pad.

Well,
tell him not to do that.

Why? Look, if we get
Wallace's place,

it's gonna take the money
pressure off, right?

Yeah, but we don't even
have a mortgage yet.

Yeah, but we will.

We're asking for half
the mortgage we got now.

Let's just do it.
Let's go for it.

We're gonna sell this place.

I mean, look at it.
Look at our cushions.

I'd buy it if I didn't already
own it or could afford it.

It's nuts we've had
no offers yet.

We should put it on
with another estate
agent. He's an idiot.

What does he do up there,
take a nap with them?

Or like, uh,
put on a magic show?

That's
probably what he does.

We should call him
David Blaine,

like, between us,
like, to each other.

David Blaine it is.

Fran told me she's
getting some work done.

- On her house?
- No, on her face.

Christ,
why is she doing that?

I don't know. Because she's
in her mid-40s and single

and it's grim out there.

So she wants to look more
like an angry, surprised alien

when she meets new guys?

Don't you do anything
to your face.

Okay.

I'm serious. Never
ever touch your face.

Well, you know,
I don't plan to,

but if, down the road,

there was a procedure
that didn't hurt

- and it was guaranteed--
- Look, look, no, listen.

I want to fuck you.

- Do you?
- Yeah,

because you're like

"This is it,
take it or leave it."

It's like bald guys.

Women and gay guys don't
give a shit if a guy's bald

if he's like "I'm a man,
I'm fucking bald,

and that's how it is."

Then you're like
"Gimme that dick,
you bald asshole."

Yeah, that's true.

Don't you go bald, though.

Okay.

So there's nothing
about me you'd change?

- What?
- No, I mean surgically.

There's nothing about me

you'd surgically change
if you could?

No.

Not even my saggy tits?

- They're not saggy.
- Yeah, they are.

I was bending over, getting
out the bath the other day,

and Frankie pointed at them
and said "Tubes."

Fuck Frankie.

Look, are they
less like the breasts

I would've drawn on my
notebook in high school?

Maybe, but are they
attached to you?

Are they still a couple feet
above an amazing pussy?

That's the nicest thing
you've said to me in weeks.

Oh. It's Wallace.

It's 10 past 11.

Yeah. He's old,

so he doesn't
know how to text.

I think he's just lonely,
and he likes me.

He's like the grandpa
I never had.

I mean, I had grandpas,

but they were more,
you know, drunker.

You're not gonna answer it?

No. It's fucking 10 past 11.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Mm.
- Mm.

You know, I'm just gonna
grab a couple for my kids.

Yeah, sure.

Um, my pass thing isn't--

Let's have a look.
May I see it?

Um...

Oh, it says
we charged your card

for the membership
for the last quarter,

- and it didn't go through.
- Oh, that's weird.

Uh, you know, my other
card is in my car.

Do you mind if I
pop out and grab that?

Sure.

I've thought about
vaginal rejuvenation,

but I've been pretty good
with my kegals,

and I've only had one child--

a son--
the actor Jeffrey Baisley?

So I'm doing pretty good
in that department.

We don't do vaginal
rejuvenation here anyway.

Oh, good.

So, um...

what were you, uh,
thinking of?

Uh, well I--
I was thinking of my chin.

There's nothing wrong
with your chin.

Or not my chin, my jowls.

Get these bits lifted up,
up and away.

I try and keep my hair short

to try
and not draw attention--

Why would you do that?

I don't know where
you got the insane idea

that you need to do this.

Television, magazines,
ads on the tube.

Uh--

Maybe just inject
a wee bit of botox like--

Yes. I could.

Maybe after,
I'll nip to the Louvre,

paint a little petunia
in the Mona Lisa'shair.

- Sorry?
- I wouldn't do that.

You know why?
She's a masterpiece.

Doesn't need it.

Neither do you.

Oh.

Uh...

back in a minute.

Excuse me. Oh. Sorry.

Uh, I wanted to, um--

Look, maybe you've just got
a very good bedside manner

and I have
misinterpreted this,

but since my husband
left me,

my motto is--
well, I don't have a motto.

I'm not a netball club.

But it's nothing ventured,
nothing gained.

So...

Sorry.

"I have a little shadow
that goes in and out with me."

"And what can be the use of him
is more than I can see."

"He's very very like me
from the heels up to the head."

"And I see him
jump before me

when I jump into my bed."

"The funniest thing about him is
the way he likes..."

Um, I can't talk
unless it's an emergency.

- Is it an emergency?
- No, I'm just--

It's an emergency. Sorry.

I have an emergency.

Hey, what did they say?

I'm just heading
into the bank now.

Oh, okay.
Well, it'll be fine.

Just thank them for
the huge mortgage we have,

and tell them
we want to trade it in
for a smaller one.

- It's so simple.
- Yep.

It's not like we're
trying to fleece anybody.

We're just trying
to be responsible adults.

- Yeah.
- Treating us like criminals.

- I haven't even gone in yet.
- Okay. Sorry

Um, well, look, um, good luck.

Call me.

Fuck.

Hey! I'm sitting here!

Fucking jerk.

Hey. Hi, Dan.

Uh, it's Rob.
I just want to-

Hey, Rob. Yeah, I was
just about to call you.

Well, great.

Yeah, it didn't
go your way with Glenco.

- Right.
- Yeah. Apparently,

they had mostly
hired this other guy

before they saw you,

but then they still really
wanted to see you,

uh, but then meeting you,

uh, didn't make them
change their mind

about the other guy.

Does that make sense?

Does that make sense? No.

They knew they had
the guy that they wanted,

but they still
strung me along for a week?

No, no,
that doesn't make sense

in answer to your query.

Hey.

Hey, Dave, you busy?

Not really. What's up?

Well, I was wondering
if you knew of any people

that might be able
to help me with a mortgage

that operate outside

of the traditional
banking realm.

Uh, yeah, I definitely do.

Well, great.

Yeah, but I think what sets
them apart from a bank

is their interest rates

aren't super competitive,

and if you're late for a
payment, they will kill you,

and there'd be no funeral
and no wake

because your body
wouldn't be found.

I mean, you could
have a memorial service,

but there'd be no body.

Uh, does that make sense?

I didn't get that job.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit.
How did it go with the--

And they're not gonna
give us a mortgage.

- What?
- He said the biggest
mortgage we could get

was for a stereo.

Why would he say that?

He didn't say that,
but it turns out

that a schoolteacher
and a house husband

don't qualify for a mortgage
of the size that we need.

For people in our position,

a more realistic time to get
a mortgage would be 2007.

We didn't even know
each other then.

So what--

Why are you wearing
no trousers?

Because on top
of everything else,

I'm fat now and they hurt,

so when I got home,
I threw them away.

Oh, Christ.

This is terrible news.

So what now? I mean, what--

Oh, shit. What about Wallace?

What about Wallace?

No, I know it's not as--

But I just--

I feel awful.
His little bachelor pad.

Mm, sorry our shitty lives

are now making
somebody else's worse.

- He could die soon.
- We're not a hospice.

- You're gonna have to tell him.
- You have to tell him.

We feel terrible
about this.

We feel sick, honestly.

It's a-- It's
a terrible situation

for-- for everyone,

I mean we're devastated--

not just for us,
but for letting you down.

You know, when our daughter
Muireann was born,

I said to Sharon--

Are you mentally retarded?

No, I'm not.

So just an idiot and a liar.

You-- You--
You don't have a job,

but you thought
you could get a mortgage?

Well, no, but Sharon--

No. No, no.

I'm going to sue you.
You shook my hand.

You can't sue us
for shaking your hand.

I fought at Suez, and that
wasn't half as upsetting

as what you people
are putting me through.

We-- We brought you
cupcakes.

You're liars,
stupid liars.

Well, look, we really
hope this doesn't mean

you've lost
your apartment in town.

Oh, it better fucking not!

Well, we're very sorry.

I'm going to have to sell the
home I raised my children in

to a pair of faggots.

- Wallace! What?
- Hey, Wallace,

look, we're very sorry
about all of this, okay?

But in actual legal fact,

you have no power
over us, okay?

So this visit,
or the first half of it,

was just to extend you
a courtesy.

We're sorry, okay?

And we hope you don't
wind up on the street

because you look
pretty frail.

Frail? Oh!

I'll kick a cupcake
up your pussy!

Why are you looking at me?

Let's go. Let's just go.

And he definitely doesn't
know where we live?

Not unless
he followed us home.

What are we gonna do?

We keep the doors locked?

I have a big flashlight
under the bed.

I meant about where we live.

I think we're gonna
have to rent somewhere.

Well, we definitely can't
afford to stay here.

We can afford it for, like,
another hour and a half.

Okay. I'm sure--
I'm not definite,

but I'm pretty sure
that I've still got

a Post Office
savings account in Ireland.

I don't know how much
is in there, but--

Is it more or less
than £800,000?

It's less.

Well, then you can just
leave it there, then.

Can I help you?

Um, yeah.
I was just wondering, um,

how to go about, uh,
getting on your books?

In what way?

Uh, well, uh, I'm 6'4",
and I weigh 250 pounds,

and, you know,
it's just something

that my wife thought
that I should see if--

she wondered if, you know,
if it would be worth--

Would that be possible?

I'm afraid we're
not currently looking

to take any new clients
on our books.

Right. Sure.

But thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, Harita,
long time, no, uh...

Well, I just wanted to call

and-- and check in
and see how you're doing.

I hope you had
a nice, um, break.

I think I remember you saying

you were going on a whaling
trip off of Okinawa.

I hope-- hope that was fun.

Um, so yeah, give me a call.

I wanted to talk
about my future,

see if you had any use
for this old bag of bones

around the old shop. So,

yeah, anyway, give me a call.
I miss you guys.