All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S03E02.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

I think,
with your experience,

you'll get something,
no problem.

Also,
you're a handsome fella.

Thank you.

Oh, no, I'm not
coming on to you.

I'm just saying it's easier

to place attractive
people in advertising.

Like, uh, last week,
we had this guy in,

and he had a great CV
and tons of experience,

but he also had an eye patch.

[chuckle]
Like the pirate kind.

Nowadays, you're not
even allowed to ask,

like, "What happened
to your eye?"

But you want to know.

Oh, totally.
I'd be curious.

Like, was he pulling
clothes out of the dryer

and he pulled too hard
and his hand slipped

and he punched himself
in the eye

- while he was
holding his keys?
- Maybe.

And then the other
thing is what's behind
the eye patch now?

Like is it just a--
a gaping...

Anyway, legally,

you can't not hire
somebody like that,

uh, but at the same time,
you're not gonna hire him.

Right.

Uh, so where have you been
the last 3 years?

Have you been on holiday?

Uh, no. Uh,
I worked at Braeband--

Ah.

...the pharmaceutical
company, but, uh,

it's a bit delicate.

Oh. Well, let's hear it.

Okay, uh,
a woman who worked there

made a complaint
against me--

sexual harassment,
but it's not true.

I mean, it's very untrue.

- Right.
- Um, and look,

when a woman makes a complaint
of sexual harassment,

99% of the time
it's based in reality.

I know that, you know that.

And it's important
to believe women

because sometimes people
unfairly side with the man,

you know, and why would
anyone side with the man?

Well, I'll tell you
why, okay?

Because
sometimes the man is me

and it didn't happen.

So procedurally,
I'm very glad

that they heard
her side of the story,

but the other side
of the coin

is that she's a liar
and I didn't do it.

Oh, you speak French.

That's cool.

This is nice, isn't it?

This has gotta be
one of the perks

of being unemployed, right?

Doing this together.

When was the last time
we did this?

How'd your interview go?

I don't know.
I don't know how it went.

Well, it's gonna
take a while, isn't it?

Yeah, I just hope
a while means 8 to 10 days

and not we all die of scurvy

because we can't afford
citrus.

We're not gonna
die from scurvy

because
I'm going back to work.

Quite looking forward
to it, actually.

It's gonna be nice
to be around kids

who don't want to sit on my
lap when I take a piss.

What about our kids?
What's the plan there?

What's the plan there?

The plan is what we said
the plan is. You'll do it.

Yeah, I'll do it if you
don't want me to get a job.

You know, we're gonna have
to get someone to help.

What about Anna?
She's great.

She's not great.
She has a pulse,

and she knows
our kids' names--

- one of our kids' names.
- Oh, come on.

What? You don't
have to defend her

just because she has
big jugs.

Does she have big jugs?

[laugh] Look, it's just
drop-offs and pick-ups.

Do your interviews
in between.

And then, when you get a job,
we'll make a better plan.

We just need
to get organized.

I agree.
I just don't think

we should be bigoted
against someone

just because they have
big jugs.

Okay, Mandela.
Hey.

- Rob: Hi.
- Hi. Thank you.

There you go.

- Hey.
- Sharon: Hey.

Who's that?

Huh? Oh that's cross-eyed
Christian fitness mum.

Don't worry. You'll get
to know them all soon.

[sigh]

Do you like that wine?

Yeah. It's lovely.

It's a Sauvignon Blanc,
but not as you know it.

It's, uh, 2013.

It's proper nice wine,
that.

Right. I mean,

you can tell me how much
it cost if you like.

- 18.50.
- You're very generous.

Thanks. And you're
a sneery arsehole.

So your folks are
already back in Ireland?

Yeah. They didn't settle
here, to be honest.

Ah. I mean, they gave it
a good... half an hour.

I don't think he'd admit it,

but I think the area
was just too black for Dad.

I mean not like
"Get off my lawn,"

but he'd roll up
his car window

any time a gentleman
of color walked by.

Or a black guy.

Or anyone in a burka.

Turban?

Nah. Doesn't really
mind those lads.

So we wanted to see youse
because we have some news.

We're moving to Spain.

What? Why?

Well, Mallandra
wants to spend some
time with her parents,

and-- I mean,
they're super old.

What age is your mum?

66.

- 66?
- Mm-hmm.

Jesus, I thought--
thought it was--

Anyway--

Anyway, it's give
and take, isn't it?

Wait,
she's really only 66?

- Mm-hmm.
- [Fergal exhales]

What are you gonna do there?

Hmm? Oh, I can
make money anywhere.

- I just need a laptop.
- [laugh]

That'll be your new life now,

trying to get online
with a modem.

Er-- er-- bi bop, bi bop
bop bop, shlong, er...

And what the fuck is that?

Spanish internet.

We have WiFi in Spain.

[laugh] No, you don't.

Anyway, it's gonna be
sunny and brilliant.

The house we've got there,
or nearly got there--

you should see the place.

It's like a Spanish palace.

This house is nice,

but you wouldn't take a shit
in it if it was in Spain.

What did you think
about all that?

I think, Good for him,

and I'll see him
in three months

when they move back here.

Mm, I feel a bit jealous.

Why? You'd hate
living in Spain.

You know there's more
British people there

than there are here,

and P.S.,
they all voted leave.

You're talking
about the Costa Del Sol?

They're not moving to shitty
British people Spain,

they're moving to real Spanish
people Spain, which is lovely.

Well, neither of us
could get work.

I don't think you can
learn a new language

once you're over 40.

We'd starve to death.

[chuckle]

Aw. Shall I put Frankie
back into his own bed?

I like hearing
his little snores.

Oh. I was just, uh...

I was just thinking that maybe
we should have some sex.

God damn it.

What?

I just jerked off.

What?

Why?

Well, you and I
haven't really been--

Where?

In the basement.

In the basement.

Oh, well,
that makes me feel shit.

You know everyone
noticed at dinner.

Noticed what?

Noticed that we're not
getting on the same.

They didn't notice.

Well, Mallandra
asked me what was wrong.

- Did you tell her?
- Tell her what?

That you fondled
a student penis.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.

When are you gonna start
liking me again?

I like you.

Well, you're acting
like you don't.

- You're acting like--
- Honey, your response

when I told you I flirted
with someone at work--

- Come on.
- ...was to--

It wasn't about the--

...was to kick me
out of my home.

Okay? You had
the female response,

which was to go nuclear

and try to destroy
our family.

I'm having
the masculine response,

which is to bury the pain

and jerk off in the basement
rather than touch you.

Can't keep saying sorry.

If I could cut off
the hand that did the--

you know, I would.

Well, I would endorse that

if you having fewer hands
wouldn't fuck up my life

and make it more difficult.

The ancient Egyptians
made medicines

- [knocking]
- out of extraordinary things--

castor oil--
Okay, back in a second.

What's up?

Mr. Humphries died
yesterday.

What?

Just found out.

Sharon: No way.

Ah, no. Poor fucker.

- Yep.
- Ohh.

What was it?

No. What?

Oh, my God.

You know, he asked me out
one time for coffee

when I first started here.

I said no.

I don't think
that's why he did it.

No, of course not.
I wasn't saying the--

Because he was gay?

Oh, right.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know that.

You ready to boogie?

Yep. Let's do this.

So how did you get here?

Did you take a, uh...

uh-- uh, rectangle--
you know--

not a carriage but the newer--
red, you know,

the thing that we do now
to travel and you pay?

- A bus?
- Yeah.

Yeah, they said that's
gonna happen for a while.

Oh, wow. So what's
this place like?

Yeah, you know,
it's your average

inpatient chemical
dependency unit for men.

How are you?

I've been better.

Um, I found out, when we were
taking our little break,

Sharon managed
to jerk off a young boy.

- No.
- Yeah.

He's 22, 23 max.

[laugh]
Dude, that's terrible.

Yeah, it is.

Uh, and I still
don't have a job.

I've had some interviews,

but actually
I was gonna ask you

if you had any contacts
you could hook me up with.

Sure. Sure. I-- I could--

Hm.

What?

What?

Oh, fuck, man.

[laugh] I mean, there is
nothing happening up here.

I don't know
what I was gonna say.

Okay.

Don't worry.
It's gonna get better.

Just because I was dead
for a little while.

Ah, imagine how hard

a 22-year-old boner
must feel.

Terrible news
about Mr. Humphries.

Uh, my God, it's terrible.

It's-- I wonder if he--

He was very troubled,
as you know.

- Yeah, but he always seemed--
- Bipolar:

the silent killer.

Except when he was manic,

then he would make
quite the racket.

[laugh] Well, yeah, but I
don't think you can say--

At any rate, we're keen
to find someone,

temporarily at least,

to take the role
of Head of Upper Juniors.

Right.

Just while we find out
where we are.

Right, right.

Oh, me?

- Yes.
- Oh. [chuckle]

Um, okay. Right, uh...

- Yes?
- Um...

You'd need time
to think it through?

Is it gonna be more money?

Yes. There's not a big
difference, but--

It would be an honor.

Are you Frankie's dad?

Uh, yeah.

I was expecting
to speak to--

Doesn't your Irish
wife usually pick up?

She's my only wife.

I'm Wolf's mum Polly.

- Woof?
- Wolf.

- Okay.
- Just very quickly

because I have
to pick my mother up
from Liverpool Street

and take her to her
hair appointment.

- Right.
- And it's a bit embarrassing,

but very quickly,

I'm afraid your Frankie
bit my Wolf on Friday.

Really? Frankie?

Yes.
Bit him twice on his arm.

Left a mark.

I'm sorry.
Uh, which one's Wolf?

Green jumper.

Raaa! Raaa!

Oh, wow,

- he's a big fella.
- He's very gentle.

Anyway, I don't want
to involve the school.

No, I don't see
why that would be necessary.

Well, hopefully not.

Ah, there's my keys.

- Wolf: Bye, Keith.
- Hello.

Sharon: What the fuck?

Maybe Frankie,
in self defense,

as a last resort, bit him.

Or, you know,
maybe he sat on Frankie,

and Frankie bit him just
so he knew he was there.

But you know what?

She's probably
biting her own son.

She got a load of attention
when her baby was massive,

and now he's just
a massive 4-year-old,

so it's less interesting,
so she started biting him.

Ask her
for photographic proof.

- You ask her.
- I don't have her number.

Well, I'm not asking her.

What did, uh,
say when you asked him?

He said he didn't do it,
but he's a liar.

Oh, come here.

I got a promotion today
because somebody died.

Oh, no.

- But that's great.
- Yeah. [chuckle]

I know.
I'm really flattered.

I have to organize
the memorial for him,

so that's gonna be a bit--
but, you know, still.

Right on.
Uh, is it good money?

Yeah, yeah. It's great
in teacher money.

In real money, no, it's shit.

But isn't that inspiring?

I just started back, and my
career's basically on fire.

Couple of years from now,

I could be Secretary
of Education.

- How was your interview?
- Oh, it sucked.

My new thing is I sweat,

like rolling cascades
of sweat down my body.

Ugh. Why?

Because the school run
is like a contact sport,

and, you know,
they're so filthy

that after I get home
I have to take a shower.

And then,
after I take a shower,

I sweat for at least
two and a half hours.

You know that.
And, you know,

I don't have a reference
from Braeband,

so that's making me sweat.

Well just-- just try
and relax a little bit.

You know, maybe--
maybe use it

as an opportunity
to make a little joke.

Like make a joke
about their air conditioning:

if they hire you, they could
afford air conditioning.

Yeah, I'll try that.

And you know what?
Fuck Braeband.

Tell them you've been
a stay-at-home dad

for the last three years.

I'd like to see
any of them try that.

You're a hero.

I mean, you're not,
but they don't know that.

For the last three years

I've been fathering
domestically,

uh, which is to say
I've been a stay-at-home dad.

I'm lucky enough
to have a wife

whose career
made that possible.

Oh. What does your wife do?

My wife?

Oh, she uh... you know,
uh, you know on planes?

You know the air vents?

Like, the nozzles that blow
cooling air onto you?

My wife did a redesign
of those and patented it

and sold it to Boeing
and Airbus.

And a Chinese planes company.

You missed a button
on your shirt.

Oh-- [chuckle]
No, I didn't. My, uh--

My son tore it off
this morning.

You have a safety pin?

No.

If you hire me,
you'll do so well,

you could afford
air conditioning.

Oh-- Is-- Is--
You have. Okay.

I'm so hot.

I was wondering
if I should get the kids

to write a little thing

about Mr. Humphries
for the memorial.

That would be moving,
wouldn't it?

I just wrote
a little something,

and I just moved myself.

Well,
people don't really care

when someone in
the corporate world dies.

I mean, I just want
to do something

that isn't just,
you know, the same old--

Like, I want to honor him,

and I want the kids to know

that it's okay to be
messed up by all this

and also-- and this is
third down the list--

but also let them know

there's a new sheriff
in town--

of Upper Juniors.

That book
must be fascinating.

What are you reading?

Pinochet's autobiography.

Christ.

It's not an autobiography.
It's a biography.

What would
his autobiography say?

"I'm amazing. Nothing's wrong.
I'm planting flowers."

[laugh] Yeah, I guess.

What are you reading?

I'm reading
The Sun Also Rises.

It's a proper book.

You've been reading
that since we met.

Are you memorizing it?

Because, you know,

if you're gonna be
Secretary of Education,

you might try reading
more than one book
every four years.

Well, that's mean.

Oh, by the way, I told your
air conditioning joke today,

and I looked like a fucking
idiot, so thanks for that.

Well, you probably
told it wrong.

Dan: You don't tell
an interviewer

you're a stay-at-home dad.

I mean, that's fine to say

at a garden party
or in Sweden,

but-- but--
but not here, okay?

- Okay, but, uh--
- Yeah, over here,

men work in real jobs,
do you understand that?

Uh, hang on a second.

Uh, so I spoke to Frankie,
and he said he didn't do it,

so, you know, I think
it might be a case
of, you know--

That is the world that we're
trying to get you a job in.

I'm sorry. I don't think
it's good enough

just to say he didn't do it.

Can I just
finish this call?

Wolf's lost a lot
of confidence over--

All right, first interviews

are about "Can I work
with you? Are you a prick?"

He wet the bed last night

for the first time
since last week.

Uh, look, I'd like
to settle this--

And I'd like
for my son to be able

to attend school without
fear of being disfigured.

Is there a piece
of your son missing?

Did my son bite a piece
of flesh out of your son?

- No, but he's--
- I don't have a job
right now, okay?

I am unemployed,
and as a result,

my family might not
have a home soon.

Okay?
So I have priorities.

Well,
my son is my priority.

Just tell me
what you want me to do.

Do you want to bite my son?
Would that help?

Do you want me to bite him?

Hey, Woof.

You wanna bite Frankie?

Just tell me
what you want me to do.

- Rob?
-What?

We just got
an interview for you

at Harbury Capital.
They'd like to see you
this afternoon.

Wow. Really?
Well, that's great.

Ha ha.
Well, that's wonderful.

Did you hear that?

Derek Humphries
was a beloved teacher.

He loved music,
and he loved jokes.

He enjoyed having fun.

We all remember the time

he printed permission slips
for the Easter field trip

on the wrong sized paper

and passed them out anyway.

[student coughs]

Ms. Norris and year 5

have prepared a musical
tribute to his memory.

Ms. Norris, I'll let you
introduce the performance.

[hoarse] Hi--

Oh. [cough]
Sorry, a bit nervous.

[chuckle]
Hi. So, uh, yeah,

so I just wanted to say

that, uh, while we all
loved Mr. Humphries,

I'm sure some of you
are troubled

by the fact that he took
his own, uh, what he did--

Uh, and I don't think
I'd be doing my job

as head of upper juniors

if I didn't say that if any
of you are thinking of...

d-doing something, uh,
like he did,

then, you know,

don't. [chuckle]

Uh, my door is always open.

Um, I mean that.

Um, it's hard--
it's hard being a kid.

I know that. Um,

I've had tough times
in my life

from about 22 to about...
yeah, maybe 34.

I-- I had tough times.

I had acne in adulthood.

Um, a lot of times,
people tell you

you wrap all that up
in your teenage years.

It's not true for everyone.

So, um-- yeah,

year five are gonna
perform a song,

uh, we wrote about
Mr. Humphries, so up.

Uh, they rehearsed very hard,

so if any of you feel like,
you know, dancing or swaying,

then, uh, just go right ahead.

- No dancing.
- Okay.

♪♪

Lets just start again

because Kira, uh--
started ahead of--

Okay.

♪♪ [children singing
incomprehensibly]

Well, I grew Fry & Loeb
from nothing

to a 100-million-dollar-a-year
firm,

thanks mainly to securing
a 360 deal with Jeff's Cola.

Right, right.

You know, I haven't been
in the field for a while,

but I've got a thick-ass
book of contacts--

Niromax, P&G, Glaxo, Elron.

Right.

Pharmaceutical firms.

Is that from your time
at Braeband?

Uh, well--

Didn't you do a stint
at Braeband?

Yeah, but it's not
on my CV, so how--

Suzy, my assistant,
used to work there.

She recognized your name.

Shady place, though.

I've known other folk
to leave it off their CV.

Well, the reason for that--

It doesn't really matter.

What is concerning me
right now

is that you smell of alcohol.

I met a friend for lunch,
and I had a beer.

- But--
- You had a beer?

Abeer?

Mate, if you had abeer,

then I had lunch
with Princess Diana.

You had lunch with who?

Princess Diana.

I'm sorry. It's--

It's just very difficult
to understand you.

You don't
have to understand me

because you won't
be working here.

Well, good, because
I don't want to work

at your Scottish
whistle factory.

- I'm Welsh, you idiot.
- Woo hoo!

News flash. I know.
I said that to upset you.

What is upsetting me
is you're still sitting here.

Well, get ready to be excited
because I'm leaving.

Well, you should take a good
long look at yourself mate.

You should take
a long listen to yourself,

and I think you'd like
what you hear

because your accent
is adorable.

- I've gotta go.
- Well, don't let me stop you.

I shant.
You're a cutie pie.

Have a fantastic day.

I don't know
why it sounded like that.

I think, you know,
Kira started out of time,

and then the rest followed her

because she's so,
you know, developed--

I mean, uh, tall.

Thank you for the performance
Ms. Norris,

although I didn't see
why you needed to mention
that he was gay.

I'm not gonna
whitewash history.

I think referencing
a teacher's sexuality,

gay or straight,

is inappropriate
for primary level.

Really?

Well, why don't you do
the next memorial, then?

I'd be happy to.

Great, great.

Well, I hope
you don't do my memorial

because I'm not ashamed
of my sexuality

and I'd
want it all out there.

No talking!

How long do you think
it would take you

to get a head teacher job?

I'm never gonna get
a head teacher job.

You should have seen
my assembly today.

It was a car crash.

Did anyone film it?

What?

Jesus, I fucking hope not.

Hey.

How would you feel about
putting the house on the market

and getting a smaller place?

Oh. Um... well--

I mean, why have the pressure
of this monster mortgage?

Yeah, but you're gonna
get something, right?

And there's always Braeband.

I mean, you can always--
I mean, Harita--

Honey, I don't want
to work for those kind
of people anymore.

It's too stressful.

I want to be alive
in 20 years.

I want to meet
our grandchildren.

Yeah, we all want that,

but you've gotta
strike a balance.

Of course I don't want you
to die too young,

but you can't have
a stress-free job

because who the fuck
are you?

Why should your job
be a picnic?

Kids in China are in mines.

I don't care
about Chinese people.

[laugh]

Are you really worrying?

I'm fine.

Because we've got a lot
to be grateful for.

You know?
You should remember that.

We've got our health.

You say something now.

We have a beautiful,
curious, amazing daughter

and Frankie.

Yeah, we got good teeth.

We have a restaurant quality
blender.

Hey, we can sell that.

You like me again?

I'm trying not to,
but it's not going very well.

I'm sorry your assembly
was a car crash.

It's okay.

I don't even really--

I just wanted
to make you proud of me.

Just make you forget
all the other shit.

I really want
to keep hugging you,

but you just-- Jesus,

you really stink
of cheese & onion crisps.

Do you make them now
with your body?

Fuck, it's overpowering.

- Bitey. Bitey. Bitey.
- Shh!

- Bitey. Bitey. Bitey.
- Stop it, Wolf!

- Bitey. Bitey.
- Please stop it.

Bitey. Bitey. Bitey. Bitey.

Bitey. Bitey. Bitey. Bitey.

Bitey. Bitey. Bitey. Bitey.

Oi!

- [brakes screech]
- [horn honks]

Please don't hit me.

- I don't--
- What?

No, no. I wasn't-- I'm not--

I'm sure
Frankie didn't do it.

I mean, look at him.

He's a savage.

I hate him.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I shouted at you.

I'm sure Wolf's a great kid.

I mean, yeah, he lied
about Frankie, but so what?

I mean, we're all
just doing our best.

I mean, look at me.
I'm a mess.

I can't provide for my family.

I have diarrhea every day.

You know, I have secrets
inside of me that-- Ow!

Frankie!

Son of a-- [chuckle]

It's crazy that he did that
for you to see.

I swear to God.

Wh--

He's never done that before.

♪♪ [male singer yodeling]