Original subtitles

I think, with your experience,

you'll get something, no problem.

Also, you're a handsome fella.

Thank you.

Oh, no, I'm not coming on to you.

I'm just saying it's easier

to place attractive people in advertising.

Like, uh, last week, we had this guy in,

and he had a great CV and tons of experience,

but he also had an eye patch.

[chuckle] Like the pirate kind.

Nowadays, you're not even allowed to ask,

like, "What happened to your eye?"

But you want to know.

Oh, totally. I'd be curious.

Like, was he pulling clothes out of the dryer

and he pulled too hard and his hand slipped

and he punched himself in the eye

- while he was holding his keys? - Maybe.

And then the other thing is what's behind the eye patch now?

Like is it just a-- a gaping...

Anyway, legally,

you can't not hire somebody like that,

uh, but at the same time, you're not gonna hire him.

Right.

Uh, so where have you been the last 3 years?

Have you been on holiday?

Uh, no. Uh, I worked at Braeband--

Ah.

...the pharmaceutical company, but, uh,

it's a bit delicate.

Oh. Well, let's hear it.

Okay, uh, a woman who worked there

made a complaint against me--

sexual harassment, but it's not true.

I mean, it's very untrue.

- Right. - Um, and look,

when a woman makes a complaint of sexual harassment,

99% of the time it's based in reality.

I know that, you know that.

And it's important to believe women

because sometimes people unfairly side with the man,

you know, and why would anyone side with the man?

Well, I'll tell you why, okay?

Because sometimes the man is me

and it didn't happen.

So procedurally, I'm very glad

that they heard her side of the story,

but the other side of the coin

is that she's a liar and I didn't do it.

Oh, you speak French.

That's cool.

This is nice, isn't it?

This has gotta be one of the perks

of being unemployed, right?

Doing this together.

When was the last time we did this?

How'd your interview go?

I don't know. I don't know how it went.

Well, it's gonna take a while, isn't it?

Yeah, I just hope a while means 8 to 10 days

and not we all die of scurvy

because we can't afford citrus.

We're not gonna die from scurvy

because I'm going back to work.

Quite looking forward to it, actually.

It's gonna be nice to be around kids

who don't want to sit on my lap when I take a piss.

What about our kids? What's the plan there?

What's the plan there?

The plan is what we said the plan is. You'll do it.

Yeah, I'll do it if you don't want me to get a job.

You know, we're gonna have to get someone to help.

What about Anna? She's great.

She's not great. She has a pulse,

and she knows our kids' names--

- one of our kids' names. - Oh, come on.

What? You don't have to defend her

just because she has big jugs.

Does she have big jugs?

[laugh] Look, it's just drop-offs and pick-ups.

Do your interviews in between.

And then, when you get a job, we'll make a better plan.

We just need to get organized.

I agree. I just don't think

we should be bigoted against someone

just because they have big jugs.

Okay, Mandela. Hey.

- Rob: Hi. - Hi. Thank you.

There you go.

- Hey. - Sharon: Hey.

Who's that?

Huh? Oh that's cross-eyed Christian fitness mum.

Don't worry. You'll get to know them all soon.

[sigh]

Do you like that wine?

Yeah. It's lovely.

It's a Sauvignon Blanc, but not as you know it.

It's, uh, 2013.

It's proper nice wine, that.

Right. I mean,

you can tell me how much it cost if you like.

- 18.50. - You're very generous.

Thanks. And you're a sneery arsehole.

So your folks are already back in Ireland?

Yeah. They didn't settle here, to be honest.

Ah. I mean, they gave it a good... half an hour.

I don't think he'd admit it,

but I think the area was just too black for Dad.

I mean not like "Get off my lawn,"

but he'd roll up his car window

any time a gentleman of color walked by.

Or a black guy.

Or anyone in a burka.

Turban?

Nah. Doesn't really mind those lads.

So we wanted to see youse because we have some news.

We're moving to Spain.

What? Why?

Well, Mallandra wants to spend some time with her parents,

and-- I mean, they're super old.

What age is your mum?

66.

- 66? - Mm-hmm.

Jesus, I thought-- thought it was--

Anyway--

Anyway, it's give and take, isn't it?

Wait, she's really only 66?

- Mm-hmm. - [Fergal exhales]

What are you gonna do there?

Hmm? Oh, I can make money anywhere.

- I just need a laptop. - [laugh]

That'll be your new life now,

trying to get online with a modem.

Er-- er-- bi bop, bi bop bop bop, shlong, er...

And what the fuck is that?

Spanish internet.

We have WiFi in Spain.

[laugh] No, you don't.

Anyway, it's gonna be sunny and brilliant.

The house we've got there, or nearly got there--

you should see the place.

It's like a Spanish palace.

This house is nice,

but you wouldn't take a shit in it if it was in Spain.

What did you think about all that?

I think, Good for him,

and I'll see him in three months

when they move back here.

Mm, I feel a bit jealous.

Why? You'd hate living in Spain.

You know there's more British people there

than there are here,

and P.S., they all voted leave.

You're talking about the Costa Del Sol?

They're not moving to shitty British people Spain,

they're moving to real Spanish people Spain, which is lovely.

Well, neither of us could get work.

I don't think you can learn a new language

once you're over 40.

We'd starve to death.

[chuckle]

Aw. Shall I put Frankie back into his own bed?

I like hearing his little snores.

Oh. I was just, uh...

I was just thinking that maybe we should have some sex.

God damn it.

What?

I just jerked off.

What?

Why?

Well, you and I haven't really been--

Where?

In the basement.

In the basement.

Oh, well, that makes me feel shit.

You know everyone noticed at dinner.

Noticed what?

Noticed that we're not getting on the same.

They didn't notice.

Well, Mallandra asked me what was wrong.

- Did you tell her? - Tell her what?

That you fondled a student penis.

- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.

When are you gonna start liking me again?

I like you.

Well, you're acting like you don't.

- You're acting like-- - Honey, your response

when I told you I flirted with someone at work--

- Come on. - ...was to--

It wasn't about the--

...was to kick me out of my home.

Okay? You had the female response,

which was to go nuclear

and try to destroy our family.

I'm having the masculine response,

which is to bury the pain

and jerk off in the basement rather than touch you.

Can't keep saying sorry.

If I could cut off the hand that did the--

you know, I would.

Well, I would endorse that

if you having fewer hands wouldn't fuck up my life

and make it more difficult.

The ancient Egyptians made medicines

- [knocking] - out of extraordinary things--

castor oil-- Okay, back in a second.

What's up?

Mr. Humphries died yesterday.

What?

Just found out.

Sharon: No way.

Ah, no. Poor fucker.

- Yep. - Ohh.

What was it?

No. What?

Oh, my God.

You know, he asked me out one time for coffee

when I first started here.

I said no.

I don't think that's why he did it.

No, of course not. I wasn't saying the--

Because he was gay?

Oh, right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know that.

You ready to boogie?

Yep. Let's do this.

So how did you get here?

Did you take a, uh...

uh-- uh, rectangle-- you know--

not a carriage but the newer-- red, you know,

the thing that we do now to travel and you pay?

- A bus? - Yeah.

Yeah, they said that's gonna happen for a while.

Oh, wow. So what's this place like?

Yeah, you know, it's your average

inpatient chemical dependency unit for men.

How are you?

I've been better.

Um, I found out, when we were taking our little break,

Sharon managed to jerk off a young boy.

- No. - Yeah.

He's 22, 23 max.

[laugh] Dude, that's terrible.

Yeah, it is.

Uh, and I still don't have a job.

I've had some interviews,

but actually I was gonna ask you

if you had any contacts you could hook me up with.

Sure. Sure. I-- I could--

Hm.

What?

What?

Oh, fuck, man.

[laugh] I mean, there is nothing happening up here.

I don't know what I was gonna say.

Okay.

Don't worry. It's gonna get better.

Just because I was dead for a little while.

Ah, imagine how hard

a 22-year-old boner must feel.

Terrible news about Mr. Humphries.

Uh, my God, it's terrible.

It's-- I wonder if he--

He was very troubled, as you know.

- Yeah, but he always seemed-- - Bipolar:

the silent killer.

Except when he was manic,

then he would make quite the racket.

[laugh] Well, yeah, but I don't think you can say--

At any rate, we're keen to find someone,

temporarily at least,

to take the role of Head of Upper Juniors.

Right.

Just while we find out where we are.

Right, right.

Oh, me?

- Yes. - Oh. [chuckle]

Um, okay. Right, uh...

- Yes? - Um...

You'd need time to think it through?

Is it gonna be more money?

Yes. There's not a big difference, but--

It would be an honor.

Are you Frankie's dad?

Uh, yeah.

I was expecting to speak to--

Doesn't your Irish wife usually pick up?

She's my only wife.

I'm Wolf's mum Polly.

- Woof? - Wolf.

- Okay. - Just very quickly

because I have to pick my mother up from Liverpool Street

and take her to her hair appointment.

- Right. - And it's a bit embarrassing,

but very quickly,

I'm afraid your Frankie bit my Wolf on Friday.

Really? Frankie?

Yes. Bit him twice on his arm.

Left a mark.

I'm sorry. Uh, which one's Wolf?

Green jumper.

Raaa! Raaa!

Oh, wow,

- he's a big fella. - He's very gentle.

Anyway, I don't want to involve the school.

No, I don't see why that would be necessary.

Well, hopefully not.

Ah, there's my keys.

- Wolf: Bye, Keith. - Hello.

Sharon: What the fuck?

Maybe Frankie, in self defense,

as a last resort, bit him.

Or, you know, maybe he sat on Frankie,

and Frankie bit him just so he knew he was there.

But you know what?

She's probably biting her own son.

She got a load of attention when her baby was massive,

and now he's just a massive 4-year-old,

so it's less interesting, so she started biting him.

Ask her for photographic proof.

- You ask her. - I don't have her number.

Well, I'm not asking her.

What did, uh, say when you asked him?

He said he didn't do it, but he's a liar.

Oh, come here.

I got a promotion today because somebody died.

Oh, no.

- But that's great. - Yeah. [chuckle]

I know. I'm really flattered.

I have to organize the memorial for him,

so that's gonna be a bit-- but, you know, still.

Right on. Uh, is it good money?

Yeah, yeah. It's great in teacher money.

In real money, no, it's shit.

But isn't that inspiring?

I just started back, and my career's basically on fire.

Couple of years from now,

I could be Secretary of Education.

- How was your interview? - Oh, it sucked.

My new thing is I sweat,

like rolling cascades of sweat down my body.

Ugh. Why?

Because the school run is like a contact sport,

and, you know, they're so filthy

that after I get home I have to take a shower.

And then, after I take a shower,

I sweat for at least two and a half hours.

You know that. And, you know,

I don't have a reference from Braeband,

so that's making me sweat.

Well just-- just try and relax a little bit.

You know, maybe-- maybe use it

as an opportunity to make a little joke.

Like make a joke about their air conditioning:

if they hire you, they could afford air conditioning.

Yeah, I'll try that.

And you know what? Fuck Braeband.

Tell them you've been a stay-at-home dad

for the last three years.

I'd like to see any of them try that.

You're a hero.

I mean, you're not, but they don't know that.

For the last three years

I've been fathering domestically,

uh, which is to say I've been a stay-at-home dad.

I'm lucky enough to have a wife

whose career made that possible.

Oh. What does your wife do?

My wife?

Oh, she uh... you know, uh, you know on planes?

You know the air vents?

Like, the nozzles that blow cooling air onto you?

My wife did a redesign of those and patented it

and sold it to Boeing and Airbus.

And a Chinese planes company.

You missed a button on your shirt.

Oh-- [chuckle] No, I didn't. My, uh--

My son tore it off this morning.

You have a safety pin?

No.

If you hire me, you'll do so well,

you could afford air conditioning.

Oh-- Is-- Is-- You have. Okay.

I'm so hot.

I was wondering if I should get the kids

to write a little thing

about Mr. Humphries for the memorial.

That would be moving, wouldn't it?

I just wrote a little something,

and I just moved myself.

Well, people don't really care

when someone in the corporate world dies.

I mean, I just want to do something

that isn't just, you know, the same old--

Like, I want to honor him,

and I want the kids to know

that it's okay to be messed up by all this

and also-- and this is third down the list--

but also let them know

there's a new sheriff in town--

of Upper Juniors.

That book must be fascinating.

What are you reading?

Pinochet's autobiography.

Christ.

It's not an autobiography. It's a biography.

What would his autobiography say?

"I'm amazing. Nothing's wrong. I'm planting flowers."

[laugh] Yeah, I guess.

What are you reading?

I'm reading The Sun Also Rises.

It's a proper book.

You've been reading that since we met.

Are you memorizing it?

Because, you know,

if you're gonna be Secretary of Education,

you might try reading more than one book every four years.

Well, that's mean.

Oh, by the way, I told your air conditioning joke today,

and I looked like a fucking idiot, so thanks for that.

Well, you probably told it wrong.

Dan: You don't tell an interviewer

you're a stay-at-home dad.

I mean, that's fine to say

at a garden party or in Sweden,

but-- but-- but not here, okay?

- Okay, but, uh-- - Yeah, over here,

men work in real jobs, do you understand that?

Uh, hang on a second.

Uh, so I spoke to Frankie, and he said he didn't do it,

so, you know, I think it might be a case of, you know--

That is the world that we're trying to get you a job in.

I'm sorry. I don't think it's good enough

just to say he didn't do it.

Can I just finish this call?

Wolf's lost a lot of confidence over--

All right, first interviews

are about "Can I work with you? Are you a prick?"

He wet the bed last night

for the first time since last week.

Uh, look, I'd like to settle this--

And I'd like for my son to be able

to attend school without fear of being disfigured.

Is there a piece of your son missing?

Did my son bite a piece of flesh out of your son?

- No, but he's-- - I don't have a job right now, okay?

I am unemployed, and as a result,

my family might not have a home soon.

Okay? So I have priorities.

Well, my son is my priority.

Just tell me what you want me to do.

Do you want to bite my son? Would that help?

Do you want me to bite him?

Hey, Woof.

You wanna bite Frankie?

Just tell me what you want me to do.

- Rob? -What?

We just got an interview for you

at Harbury Capital. They'd like to see you this afternoon.

Wow. Really? Well, that's great.

Ha ha. Well, that's wonderful.

Did you hear that?

Derek Humphries was a beloved teacher.

He loved music, and he loved jokes.

He enjoyed having fun.

We all remember the time

he printed permission slips for the Easter field trip

on the wrong sized paper

and passed them out anyway.

[student coughs]

Ms. Norris and year 5

have prepared a musical tribute to his memory.

Ms. Norris, I'll let you introduce the performance.

[hoarse] Hi--

Oh. [cough] Sorry, a bit nervous.

[chuckle] Hi. So, uh, yeah,

so I just wanted to say

that, uh, while we all loved Mr. Humphries,

I'm sure some of you are troubled

by the fact that he took his own, uh, what he did--

Uh, and I don't think I'd be doing my job

as head of upper juniors

if I didn't say that if any of you are thinking of...

d-doing something, uh, like he did,

then, you know,

don't. [chuckle]

Uh, my door is always open.

Um, I mean that.

Um, it's hard-- it's hard being a kid.

I know that. Um,

I've had tough times in my life

from about 22 to about... yeah, maybe 34.

I-- I had tough times.

I had acne in adulthood.

Um, a lot of times, people tell you

you wrap all that up in your teenage years.

It's not true for everyone.

So, um-- yeah,

year five are gonna perform a song,

uh, we wrote about Mr. Humphries, so up.

Uh, they rehearsed very hard,

so if any of you feel like, you know, dancing or swaying,

then, uh, just go right ahead.

- No dancing. - Okay.

♪♪

Lets just start again

because Kira, uh-- started ahead of--

Okay.

♪♪ [children singing incomprehensibly]

Well, I grew Fry & Loeb from nothing

to a 100-million-dollar-a-year firm,

thanks mainly to securing a 360 deal with Jeff's Cola.

Right, right.

You know, I haven't been in the field for a while,

but I've got a thick-ass book of contacts--

Niromax, P&G, Glaxo, Elron.

Right.

Pharmaceutical firms.

Is that from your time at Braeband?

Uh, well--

Didn't you do a stint at Braeband?

Yeah, but it's not on my CV, so how--

Suzy, my assistant, used to work there.

She recognized your name.

Shady place, though.

I've known other folk to leave it off their CV.

Well, the reason for that--

It doesn't really matter.

What is concerning me right now

is that you smell of alcohol.

I met a friend for lunch, and I had a beer.

- But-- - You had a beer?

Abeer?

Mate, if you had abeer,

then I had lunch with Princess Diana.

You had lunch with who?

Princess Diana.

I'm sorry. It's--

It's just very difficult to understand you.

You don't have to understand me

because you won't be working here.

Well, good, because I don't want to work

at your Scottish whistle factory.

- I'm Welsh, you idiot. - Woo hoo!

News flash. I know. I said that to upset you.

What is upsetting me is you're still sitting here.

Well, get ready to be excited because I'm leaving.

Well, you should take a good long look at yourself mate.

You should take a long listen to yourself,

and I think you'd like what you hear

because your accent is adorable.

- I've gotta go. - Well, don't let me stop you.

I shant. You're a cutie pie.

Have a fantastic day.

I don't know why it sounded like that.

I think, you know, Kira started out of time,

and then the rest followed her

because she's so, you know, developed--

I mean, uh, tall.

Thank you for the performance Ms. Norris,

although I didn't see why you needed to mention that he was gay.

I'm not gonna whitewash history.

I think referencing a teacher's sexuality,

gay or straight,

is inappropriate for primary level.

Really?

Well, why don't you do the next memorial, then?

I'd be happy to.

Great, great.

Well, I hope you don't do my memorial

because I'm not ashamed of my sexuality

and I'd want it all out there.

No talking!

How long do you think it would take you

to get a head teacher job?

I'm never gonna get a head teacher job.

You should have seen my assembly today.

It was a car crash.

Did anyone film it?

What?

Jesus, I fucking hope not.

Hey.

How would you feel about putting the house on the market

and getting a smaller place?

Oh. Um... well--

I mean, why have the pressure of this monster mortgage?

Yeah, but you're gonna get something, right?

And there's always Braeband.

I mean, you can always-- I mean, Harita--

Honey, I don't want to work for those kind of people anymore.

It's too stressful.

I want to be alive in 20 years.

I want to meet our grandchildren.

Yeah, we all want that,

but you've gotta strike a balance.

Of course I don't want you to die too young,

but you can't have a stress-free job

because who the fuck are you?

Why should your job be a picnic?

Kids in China are in mines.

I don't care about Chinese people.

[laugh]

Are you really worrying?

I'm fine.

Because we've got a lot to be grateful for.

You know? You should remember that.

We've got our health.

You say something now.

We have a beautiful, curious, amazing daughter

and Frankie.

Yeah, we got good teeth.

We have a restaurant quality blender.

Hey, we can sell that.

You like me again?

I'm trying not to, but it's not going very well.

I'm sorry your assembly was a car crash.

It's okay.

I don't even really--

I just wanted to make you proud of me.

Just make you forget all the other shit.

I really want to keep hugging you,

but you just-- Jesus,

you really stink of cheese & onion crisps.

Do you make them now with your body?

Fuck, it's overpowering.

- Bitey. Bitey. Bitey. - Shh!

- Bitey. Bitey. Bitey. - Stop it, Wolf!

- Bitey. Bitey. - Please stop it.

Bitey. Bitey. Bitey. Bitey.

Bitey. Bitey. Bitey. Bitey.

Bitey. Bitey. Bitey. Bitey.

Oi!

- [brakes screech] - [horn honks]

Please don't hit me.

- I don't-- - What?

No, no. I wasn't-- I'm not--

I'm sure Frankie didn't do it.

I mean, look at him.

He's a savage.

I hate him.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I shouted at you.

I'm sure Wolf's a great kid.

I mean, yeah, he lied about Frankie, but so what?

I mean, we're all just doing our best.

I mean, look at me. I'm a mess.

I can't provide for my family.

I have diarrhea every day.

You know, I have secrets inside of me that-- Ow!

Frankie!

Son of a-- [chuckle]

It's crazy that he did that for you to see.

I swear to God.

Wh--

He's never done that before.

♪♪ [male singer yodeling]