Original subtitles

Olivia's made a rather serious complaint against you.

She no longer feels comfortable

working in the same environment as you.

What?

The truth is your marriage wasn't

a fucking fun-fair 100% of the time,

so you had to have yourself

a little escape hatch pussy at the ready.

How's it going, lads?

I was just saying, do you know who you look like?

Your P.E. teacher?

Rob: I'm just partying if you want to come up.

You ever been up on the roof of this place?

It's pretty cool. You see for, like, a thousand miles.

Come on, let's go. I love a good roof.

As I look at you,

all the reasons I fell in love with you

have come flooding back so much

that I think I might throw up.

[grunting]

I love you!

What happened last night?

There's a huge chunk of it I can't remember.

You went off with your man.

Can I help you?

I need Plan B. Like a morning-after pill.

What the fuck?

- What? - What?

Yeah, what?

Nothing.

Well, that didn't seem like nothing.

Well, sometimes things aren't always what they seem.

Okay, Alan Turing.

Who?

Alan Turing.

Jesus, Alan Turing?

Yeah, I know who he is.

He's the gay codes guy that the government murdered.

They didn't murder him. They castrated him.

And then he killed himself.

I hate this fucking country.

Frankie's sheets smell of pee.

I forgot to change them.

This whole room smells like piss.

Yeah, but baby pee's still lovely, really, isn't it?

He's not a baby. He's 3. He eats steak.

Yeah, but it's not like adult piss,

which is made of, like, red wine and thrush.

What's wrong with your face?

Are you farting? You look creepy.

Actually, I'm really concerned

I might do something crazy

if you can't satisfactorily explain to me

what the fuck this is.

What? What? I don't know.

What is it? Is that a receipt?

Yeah. It's a receipt, all right.

Well, can I see it?

You can have it. I took a picture of it.

Oh, it's a--

That's a receipt for the--

when we had sex in Victoria Park.

I was ovulating,

and you did a very big load in me,

and I know I was ovulating because I can always tell

because my tits were much bigger than normal.

You probably noticed. Well, they were.

And I didn't want to get into a big debate

about it because we'd only just got back together,

and, you know, I don't want another baby, do you?

No way.

What?

You fucking kidding me with all this?

What are you trying to imply?

Because if you're implying what I think you're implying,

that's fucking nuts and rude.

Rude? What are you, a fucking Bronte sister?

Broönte. Broönte sister.

What do you think I'm implying, Sharon?

Uh, I don't actually even--

because it's so-- I can't even--

What, you think I slept with someone else or--

Did you?

Don't be nuts.

That's nuts.

That-- Rob. Where are you going?

- Burger King. - Rob!

[door opens, closes]

I don't know what I was thinking.

That was crazy.

I worked it all out on a napkin at Burger King,

and I did do a big load in you.

That's true.

We didn't use protection.

That's also true.

I just-- I thought it smelled like a lie.

I don't know how to say it any other way than that.

I'm sorry.

Well, you don't need to be sorry.

Look, what isn't crazy is that in the past,

when I've needed the morning-after pill,

it has been a discussion.

And why wasn't it a discussion this time?

Sorry, I'm just-- I'm trying to--

No, no, it's fine. It's because,

honestly, I barely thought about it.

I mean, I'm thinking about it way more now than I did then

because then I just sort of, you know, just did it.

I was in the pharmacy buying toothbrushes and shit,

and I remembered the big load,

and, you know, I just got the pill.

[chuckle] I even forgot the toothbrushes.

You forgot the toothbrushes.

I just used a new toothbrush.

Yeah. I got those in the supermarket

- with the weekly shop. - Right.

Where's the receipt for those?

What?

I don't save receipts for everything, do I?

I'm not fucking Bob Cratchit.

Okay. Well, you should be saving receipts.

You know, it's hard enough for me to do British taxes

without you not bothering to save receipts.

Well, I will now.

Okay?

Jesus.

Do you want to watch Better Call Saul?

No. I just want to nestle into your bosom

because I feel stupid.

Aww.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Hey, um, Kate, look, I'm in a bit of trouble.

For fuck's sake.

What happened now?

Well, nothing. It's just that-- Shit.

Hey.

- Who were you on the phone to? - Harita.

- She wants to meet. - That's good, isn't it?

I don't know. We'll see.

But it's lunch at Tanaka,

so I don't care what she has to say.

I'm going.

Well, just, you know,

whatever you decide, it's your decision.

Just want you to be happy,

and Frankie can always get his old job back at Nike.

You just want me to be happy?

- That's new. - No, it's not new.

Why wouldn't I want my husband to be happy?

And look, I was thinking.

I could look into going back to work again.

You know, take a bit of the pressure off. Right?

Oh. Merry Christmas to me.

Harita: What's stopping you from coming back?

Mostly just the false sexual harassment charges.

They weren't charges.

It was just a complaint, which Olivia withdrew.

She was just having some fun with you.

Yeah. It was a lot of fun.

You should also know

that she's just accepted a position

at the Brussels office,

so that's no longer a reason to not come back.

What about Margaret?

Why, do you want to fuck her as well?

No, but she knows, so now I hate her too.

Who else knows?

Does Tina from R&D know?

Because she was unnecessarily vocal

when I ate all of those hot cross buns

that she brought in that her daughter baked one time.

I didn't know they were homemade. Because they were terrible.

Why did you eat them all if they were terrible?

That's not the point.

Margaret knows, okay? And that's it.

And Tina. Tina knows too.

Oh, come on.

Would you like another tea?

- Yes, please. - I'll have a Tom Collins.

What's in that?

Bartender will know.

Is it like gin and lemon juice?

Yep.

Look, I don't know how long I'll need

a jolly white American man to sell my ideas.

Hopefully not forever, but right now I do.

So why don't you take the rest of your leave of absence--

unpaid. I'm not a charity--

and see how you feel in a few weeks.

I'll have to think about it.

I mean, you know I didn't do anything wrong.

- Right? - Doesn't matter to me.

It doesn't matter to you?

What you offer the company is more important to me

than whether or not you tried

to fuck a very fuckable co-worker.

How are the kids?

[slurping]

Well, thought about your offer,

and I've decided

that I would rather stick these chopsticks

up my asshole.

You're not jerking it under there, are you?

No.

Okay. Just checking.

How did it go with Harita?

- She offer you your job back? - Yep.

You gonna go back?

No. I'm going to find another one.

Why do you smell of cheese and onion crisps?

I thought you had sushi.

I was still hungry.

Okay.

How long are you going to stay in bed for?

Just till tomorrow.

So just the 17 hours?

Well, I got to go out in a bit,

so you're going to have to get up

and do the kids' supper and bath time.

Where are you going?

Ah, just, um, I'm going to a concert with Melissa.

It's a fundraiser for a kids' homeless charity--

refugee thing she volunteers for.

I promised I'd go with her.

What kind of concert?

Chamber music, I think. It will be shit.

Wow. You're going to a chamber music concert with Melissa?

Where?

On the South Bank, I think.

We're meeting at a bar before.

She's got the tickets.

Oh, and Frankie's watching Million Dollar Baby.

I sort of put it on by mistake,

and now he's really enjoying it very quietly, so...

Okay.

Have fun at your concerto.

Okay.

Get up.

Hey, why don't we give you a ride?

No, I'm grand. I'll just get the tube.

No, it will be fun. We'll give you a ride.

Don't be silly. I'll see you later.

[chatter]

♪ Passed out a few hours ♪

♪ But I wanted to stay ♪

♪ And the teardrops ♪

♪ That are muddled with the swimming pool ♪

♪ My lady do lay ♪

Two margaritas.

One margarita and a Coke.

No way.

It took two buses and a half-a-mile walk

along the canal in kitten heels to get here.

You're having a drink.

Two margaritas.

[audience members whooping]

Thanks for doing this.

Yeah, no problem.

Nothing to stay home for.

Ian and I haven't shagged in weeks.

Huh.

He's asked me to start paying rent.

I wouldn't mind,

but the toilet on the boat is broken.

Can barely flush half a turd down at a time.

I'm thinking of moving back to Ireland.

I miss my girls.

Oh, well, that's great.

- I'm delighted. - Yeah.

I followed my fanny for long enough.

Also, I'm Facebook friends

with this roofer from Monaghan.

I'm going to hook up with him when I go back.

Look at him. Little rock star.

Good body.

How was he in the sack?

[phone dinging]

- Whoo! - [applause, whistling]

Hey, youse were great.

Look at us. Groupies.

- Hey. - Oh, hi.

So how's it going?

Uh, did you catch the full set?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, really good.

Really good. You guys are, um,

you've got all the drums and the guitars.

The whole kit. Microphone.

Do you want a drink?

Ask the rest of the band. Call them over.

Oh, here, I'll call them over.

Hey, do you want some shots, lads?

We made out.

So we just kissed?

Well, yeah, then, you know.

No, I swear to God I don't. I don't know.

- You took it out. - I took it out?

- My dick. - Your penis?

- Whatever, yeah. - Christ.

Oh, fucking hell.

I took it out and did what?

Well, nothing, really.

Every time you went near it,

you looked like you were going to gag.

Oh, God.

Then you told me what you were going to do.

What?

What was I going to do?

You were going to get some poppers, whatever they are,

and, uh, some weed, and then you'd come back.

I gave you 40 quid. You didn't come back.

Okay, I take it back.

No pressure,

but if you did want to give me that money back,

that would be great. Uh, I am at uni.

You looked at a cock for, like, a tick.

You examined it. Big deal.

It's fine.

It's not fine.

I handled a penis that doesn't belong to my husband.

I held it. I felt its pulse--

probably. Rob's never done that.

- [giggling] - You know what I mean.

He's never just like, oh,

I'll put my hand down this stranger's pants

and give a little pash.

[snickering]

Give me a fag. I need to smoke.

Every time Rob does something nice now--

fucking anything--

if he makes me--

if he makes me a cheese sandwich,

I'll be like "Oh, great, a lovely cheese sandwich,

made for me by my husband who I betrayed with--"

Oh, God, I probably touched my children

with fresh penis on my hand.

[chuckling]

I'm going to have to tell him.

What?

No, you can't tell him.

Stick with the lie.

Seriously.

I mean, if you undo a lie you've already told,

then really you're just lying again.

The regrets I feel every day

for not saying I was buying all that lube for a friend.

I'm not happy.

[sobbing]

Don't want to be a liar.

You don't want to end up like me.

That's my only bit of advice.

Lie.

For the kids.

What do you want to do now?

♪ Drunk as a skunk, lean as a dean ♪

♪ Always the same since she was 13 ♪

♪ You want it, lame duck ♪

♪You want it, you're out of luck ♪

♪Always been a seedy fuck, so what's it gonna be? ♪

♪ You fuckin' love it, you fuckin' love it ♪

♪ Back on your feet again, back on the beat again ♪

♪ You fuckin' love it, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[panting]

Uhh.

Uhh!

Ohh.

Ohh! Ohh.

Oh! Oh!

[shrieking]

[gasp]

[snoring]

[snort]

♪ I love the sound of breaking glass ♪

♪ Especially when I'm lonely ♪

[snort] Hoo.

♪ I need the noises of destruction ♪

♪ When there's nothing new ♪

♪ Ohh, nothing new ♪

♪ So I'm breaking glass ♪

I think you should tell him.

Yeah, but if I don't

tell him, he might not found out,

and if I do tell him,

chances are he'll fucking find out

because I'm telling him.

Lies are like a child hiding in a cupboard.

You're always going to find them.

But if you wait too long,

you might just find a little corpse.

- Jesus. - Plus, you're a terrible liar.

I remember at uni, when you said

you hadn't slept with Dr. Schiff

- when you had. -I didn't sleep with him.

- Him? - Oh. Doctor...

Yeah. No, I did sleep with her.

Not really, though.

Didn't that feel good?

Yeah. I mean, it was all right.

Got it out my system, but--

- I meant telling the truth. - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, sure. -Right, I have to go

because my life coach has just arrived.

- Okay, sure. Well, can-- - Bye.

...be the best-looking person but be so ugly in yourself

and it makes you unattractive.

I did have a lot more of the other--

[farting]

...uh, when I used to drink.

So you found a receipt

for a pill you've bought in the past,

and you've got an uncomfortable feeling

in your tum-tum. That's it?

Why didn't she tell me? I mean, it just feels--

Do you tell her every time you pop to Boots

for a tube of hemorrhoid cream?

I'd understand if she bought a fucking speedboat

without telling you.

It's a wee morning-after pill.

What else was she supposed to do?

You said yourself

you blew an historic load into her in a public park.

We have a wavelength.

We communicate verbally and non-verbally.

Something feels fucked up and not right.

Okay, let me ask you something.

Can Sharon hide what she's feeling about anything?

- No. - Okay. I wanted you to say it.

So you are going to find out

one way or another, sooner or later.

If she's done nothing wrong, bully for you.

If she has, strangle her, throw her in a bog,

and when the police ask if I know anything,

- I'll tell them to get fucked. - [snickering]

How are you otherwise?

Never better.

Finally got Muireann down.

Great.

Frankie fell asleep holding a potato.

Little weirdo.

Do you, uh, do you want me to make you something?

I didn't think anybody would see this,

but now that you have, fuck it.

What you get up to today?

I saw Chris, then I went to a movie.

- What, on your own? - Yeah.

Why?

Just felt like being alone.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

- Stop it. - Stop what?

You're giving me the massive cold shoulder.

Why are you doing that? You're making me feel shit.

I'm not making you feel anything.

Well, then you're projecting your bad mood onto me or--

Am I? At least I'm not getting secret electrolysis

on my nipples.

Wha-- What?

That was a special offer--

You're going through my e-mails?

You've never done that before. Why now?

Who are you doing that for?

Me. I'm tired of plucking them.

It takes a second.

It takes more than a second, and it was a special offer.

And did you have a fantastic time

at your chamber music concerto on the South Bank with Melissa?

- You're-- You're being-- - Secret birth control.

- ...so fucking suspicious. - Secret professional nipple grooming.

You're the one who got caught lying.

- [thump] - [crying]

[crying]

Oh, shit.

- Oh, honey. - Oh, God.

What happened?

Oh, no. He's cut his eye.

He's cut his eye. He's not okay.

- Where did you park the car? - I'm trying to remember.

Christ. Did you not use it last?

No, Rob, where's the car?

I think Curry Street, I think.

For fuck's sake. Taxi!

Taxi!

Thank you.

What the fuck!

Your light was on. I got your plate number.

You take us seven blocks to the hospital,

or I'm going to jump through this window

and make you eat your fucking coin purse.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, honey.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm paranoid.

I mean, I feel--

- When we were apart-- - I took the morning-after pill

because I was worried I'd slept with a guy I met in a club.

I was so fucking drunk,

I couldn't remember if I'd done anything or not.

Like, all I remember is going up on the roof.

But look, the good news is

I didn't need to take the morning-after pill

because, as it turns out, I didn't have sex with him.

- Right. - I mean, I should have known.

I gave my knickers a good sniff the next day,

and they just smelt like, you know, normal bad.

Hello, there. Um, so do you want to tell me

how you hit your head, then?

Um, we were downstairs in the kitchen--

Sorry, actually.

Just need to hear it from Frankie, if that's okay.

I fell off the chair in the bathroom.

Nothing happened?

Well, I mean, nearly nothing.

Like, close to nothing.

If the choices are nothing and did we fuck,

it's-- you can pretty much round it down to nothing.

I guess he-- I guess he kissed me.

He kissed you? He kissed you?

So you were like mm-mm.

So he forced himself on you.

Did you file a police report?

I mean, so a man kissed you against your will.

Okay we-- we kissed, apparently.

Do you know if Frankie's vomited at all?

Um, no. No, he has not.

What did you mean, apparently?

- Pardon? - Oh, talking to her.

- So sorry. - I can only go

by what he told me. Okay?

Hey, no one wants to know what happened more than me.

You went to see him.

Just to find out what happened.

What happened?

I handled his penis.

Okay, someone else's penis,

and-- but that is as bad as this story gets.

I took a man's penis out of his pants,

and I-- I looked at it,

like, for a second.

But apart from that, nothing happened.

Nurse: Okay, well, Frankie's been good enough

to tell me what's happened.

We'll see if it needs a little stitch,

but probably not by the looks of it.

Can I get his blood type?

Um, he's, um, he's type O.

Great, okay, when was his last tetanus shot?

It was 5 months ago.

Okey-doke.

It was the day after he went back to nursery.

Right.

A squirrel bit him.

Oh.

You're a fascinating person, you know that?

I mean, you're multi-faceted.

You're a genuinely good mother.

You handled that lazy doctor really well.

You were calm. You asked all the right questions.

Considering what a shit wife you are,

it's a fascinating collision of skills.

I'm not a shit wife.

What if I cut open my eye?

I mean, best best case scenario:

you'd let me use your Oyster card.

- That's not true. - Yes, it is.

And then you'd text me a shopping list

while I'm in the emergency room.

Do you want to break up with me?

Do I want to break up with you?

What are we, 14?

Well, what do you want to do?

I know you think I'm a terrible person,

but I guess I was-- I was angry.

Don't do that. Don't blame me.

I was upset about the money

you gave Fergal and the French hussy

and the fact that, you know, you wouldn't apologize

or admit that you'd done anything wrong,

and you know, it's a tough time.

There's a lot of... Brexit,

you know, your new president.

Don't put that on me.

Well, I'm just saying it's a tough time.

Fuck you for a second, okay?

Fuck your guilt or whatever.

The bottom line is they need a mom,

and I hate the idea of whatever you did with him

less than I love them.

And what are the other options? I leave you?

I split up our family?

I'm just going to have to suck it up, aren't I?

Okay.

What did he look like?

- What did he-- - Was he black?

No. Why? What difference would that make?

Well, you said he wasn't, so--

No, but why?

Because I've seen your browser history, okay?

It's primarily black guys and fat Johnny Depp,

and I can't compete with that.

Are you--

You don't have to compete.

And the fat Johnny Depps, that was--

- I was just fascinated. - I don't want to hear it.

Okay. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

I mean, what now?

I don't know.

I guess over time I'll have to learn to forgive you.

Right.

Over how much time?

I don't know.

I guess it will take two or three months?

- A season? - A season.

What are you doing?

I'm just-- I'm just trying to work out

if we'll be okay by my birthday.

No.

I'm thinking we might be okay by Thanksgiving.

When's that?

Look, sorry. I-- I'll look it up.

Do you want me to sleep on the sofa?

Or we could sleep in the same bed

but just, you know, head to toe.

No. I don't want you to lacerate my face

with your White Walker toenails.

Do you still love me?

Actually, yeah, maybe you should sleep on the couch.

♪♪ [man yodeling]