Original subtitles

Giving £15,000 of our money away without telling me is lying.

I wanted to help your brother, not mine, to keep a roof over his family's head.

Catherine dumped me. So I really want her to think I'm, like, "in danger."

That's what this is all about.

If I wasn't married,

if my marriage were in slightly worse shape,

I would totally--

Olivia's made a rather serious complaint against you.

She no longer feels comfortable working

- in the same environment as you. - What?!

Earlier today--

Do you wanna put the baby down?

Hey, man. I'm not high.

Great. You mind if I put these in the backseat?

Go ahead. You know what?

I fucked a plus-size model back there last night.

I'm gonna be honest with you. It was a bit of a mess.

Just-- like that, like it was nothing, like, I don't--

This is crazy.

I don't wanna talk about it in front of Melissa.

Okay, Melissa, could you give us a minute?

And don't call me as a character witness in your sexual harassment trial

because I don't feel I could be very helpful right now.

Melissa, just to get you up to speed here.

- There's no trial. - Don't talk to Melissa.

Okay, I see you're not interested in sane dialogue so I'm gonna go,

but we at least need to arrange a time where--

- You can email me. - Okay, so when--

Just email me.

Okay. Is your email address

still "impatient shithead at mean dot jerk"?

Yeah, yeah, it is.

Is yours still

"fat idiot at bad breath dot cunt"?

I don't have bad breath.

Yeah, you do. Melissa, does he have bad breath?

It's just too much coffee, I think.

It's not like halitosis.

You just need to drink more water.

Can you drive? I'm legitimately afraid of her.

I looked in her eyes back there and there's nothing to lose.

Dot cunt. That's awesome. Is that an actual domain name?

Because if it is, I will buy that.

I think this neighborhood could suit us.

Smaller houses too. Our house is just too big and showy

- You know what I mean? - Yeah, you have to keep it real.

Exactly. That was a Vietnamese restaurant that shut down last week.

Who knows what they'll put there next.

- Could be anything. - Yeah, could be a Betfred.

Where's Rob today?

Oh, don't you know? Aren't you in business with him?

You know mom and dad are mortified about all this.

Morris' don't get divorced.

- We're not getting divorced. - What about next time they go home?

How's Mom gonna tell-- You think of your mom waddling up.

'Cause you know how bad her hip is now.

Waddling up as is everything wasn't bad enough already.

- Waddling up there-- - Shut up, Fergal.

Just to be practical. Your street value has declined.

You're old now and you've kids.

Think there's gonna be something better out there for you?

Forgot to tell you.

Remember that guy you went out with at school,

Connor Byrne, remember him?

Of course. What about him?

He died. I saw it on Facebook this morning.

He died? He's dead?

Yeah, that's your dating pool now.

Dead guys, letting agents.

Maybe. And your husband.

That's it. Bird in the hand, what?

Dave.

Oh, hey, man, don't worry about this.

This is just Friday.

Whatever. Do what you gotta do.

It's your house, but would you mind turning that video game thing down?

It's been on loop for a few hours.

Is that what the noise is?

Sasha said it was inside our heads.

I'm so relieved it's coming from there.

I thought I had a problem.

You know, Dave, I'm getting a sense

this might not be the right place for me.

I mean, I can't bring the kids. Muireann's just a baby.

Her skin's so porous.

I don't want her getting a bunch of coke in her bloodstream.

This isn't coke. This is Krokodil.

Like I'd do coke around a baby.

I love seeing you in my home, buddy.

Hey, Mom.

So I just got off the horn with Sharon.

And if you want my honest opinion,

this is the best thing that could have happened to you.

Really? It doesn't feel like it.

Yeah, I've spoken to Susan Greenberg's husband Mitchell,

and he says he can get you a killer lawyer

who-- not saying send her to jail,

but he can definitely get you full custody of the kids.

I don't want full custody of the kids.

No, you're right. Start over. Clean slate.

- I gotta go to work. - No, you don't.

Sharon told me you're under house arrest

for sexually assaulting some French woman.

I didn't sexually assault anyone.

I know you didn't, and even if you did,

it doesn't define you. It's just the thing you did.

Ooh, I've gotta go.

Did you know that you can actually

message people from inside eBay?

I will always answer one of those.

Goodbye, baby.

- Where you taking them? - Don't know.

We might hit a Stay And Play

or we might fly out to Botswana.

Are their passports in the bag?

First, that's not funny.

And second, you would need a notarized letter from me

to leave the country with them because I looked that up, and that will never happen.

First, it is funny. And second, I looked it up, too.

And you're right.

- Hey. - Bye, Mommy.

Bye.

Bye-bye-bye. Have fun.

Does he ever use those pads when he goes downtown?

He uses a pillow.

Oh, okay.

More importantly. What's going on with you and Rob?

Oh, I just--

I just kind of hate him at the moment.

I give up everything for him and he--

What did you have to give up?

I had-- I gave up my career for him.

My body. I have to wear a padded bra now

just so my giant nipples don't poke through

even when I'm wearing a leather fucking jacket.

Your nipples got big? My nipples got long.

Mine got big and long.

And he repaid me by lying about money,

and having a veritable sex affair with a French slut

who I've looked up online so I got no qualms saying that.

She had purple eye shadow on in her corporate photo.

You're disappointed he's not perfect.

- Well, that's on you, not him. - What?

Take it from someone who's recently wrapped up her own imperfect marriage.

Get him back before it's too late.

A rose for my rose?

Oh, lovely. A rose.

Before it's had the chance to fully blossom,

plucked from my very own garden.

We're the only men here.

I thought dads were supposed to parent now.

Not really.

It's like a meat market with a special on mom jobs.

Nah, this well's poisoned.

They've seen me here with Sharon.

Yeah, well, the odds are good.

The goods are odd.

Do you wanna get out of here?

No way. This is the most fun I've had in weeks.

You have all these plans for your life post marriage.

Then you remember you're pushing 50

and the Sky football package is in fact quite competitively priced.

So what's the plan? You wanna rehash your apology by me?

I haven't done anything wrong.

- Okay, OJ. - What? I didn't--

Come on, you put a down payment on an affair,

you dish-faced American twat.

You let Emanuelle know

there's cracks in the dam at home.

That stinks.

It stinks like French pussy.

Oh, and Frankie got a little cut on his finger.

How'd he cut his finger?

He said a man with a sword did it.

I didn't see any men with swords.

- Right, well, I'm gonna go. - Well, wait, um--

I just wanted to say, um--

I just wanted to-- sorry for some of the things.

I think there's maybe certain things I could have handled a bit better, I suppose.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you?

I just said "sorry" and you said, "Thank you."

You didn't say "sorry." You said, "Sorry for some of the things."

- That's not an apology. - It wasn't supposed to be an apology.

I don't even want to apologize.

I've got nothing to apologize for.

I've got nothing to apologize for,

because I didn't do anything wrong.

What I did was like a fidelity traffic violation.

You told that woman, or as good as told her, that you think about

fucking her often. And you got yourself fired.

I haven't been fired. I'm just not allowed to go to work right now.

Plus, I'd say there's a pretty big difference between that and what I actually said.

If you didn't say it, then it's what you exuded.

You don't know what I exude.

You exude black squid ink.

What are you talking about? That doesn't even make any sense?

It makes sense.

Just what did you gain

for not telling that French cow exactly where to get off?

When she said all that shit to you, did you want her to like you?

Not everyone has to like you. You're not a puppy.

You're an adult man with a wife,

honest people who tell people how they feel,

when they feel it, have people not like them.

Okay, that's what I do. I've earned the right to have people dislike me.

I am very happy to have people not like me.

No shit. Let me call the Associated Press.

You know what I think? I think the truth is your marriage wasn't

a fucking fun fair 100% of the time, you child.

So you had to have yourself a little escape hatch pussy at the ready.

Well, wipe Frankie's ass better next time.

Because when I picked him up,

it was not clean and it made the car smell.

Hello, it's Sharon. What are you doing tonight?

Dave, something's burning.

Are you cooking?

Hey.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna get a hotel.

Oh, no, no, no, you got this all wrong.

I'm cleaning up my act.

See, I had Ken come over specifically

to finish off the drugs with me.

And later, I have a cleaning lady coming over

so now my home is a safe place

for kids and their drugs-- dads.

Thanks for letting me stay, Dave. I'll call you.

I'm gonna bake a key lime pie later.

So why don't you come back then? For pie.

Where's the toilet?

Huh? Oh, it's just there.

Do you have another one further away?

Watch whatever you want, eat whatever you want.

There's some coconut bullshit in the fridge.

I don't know what it is. Please eat it.

I noticed you had some little Heinekens from the fridge last time you were here.

I don't want you to drink. Is that okay?

Even a little can of-- when you're with my kids.

Well, there was nothing else to drink.

Even-- even still. Just have some tap water from the tap.

- Where's Rob? - I don't know where he is.

- What, did he leave you? - No, I kicked him out.

Shit.

- You kicked him out? - Yeah.

That's nuts. You all right?

Yeah, I'm very all right.

- Wait, you kicked him out? - Yep.

'Cause that's nuts, that is.

Yep, so you said. All right, I'm going.

See you later.

Why do you think it's nuts? What's so nuts?

I don't know. He's just fit, isn't he?

Yeah. Do you not think I'm fit?

- What? - Nothing, doesn't matter. I've counted the beers.

Oh, for goodness sake.

And Brian said if I'd been less brazen about it,

he might not have kicked me out.

Oh, right, yeah.

But I had receipts for lube

- from, like, five different chemists in my bag. - Right.

You know how you need a lot more lube when you get older?

Oh, God.

- But I get to see the kidsevery other weekend, - Aww.

Ellie my four-year-old called me a slag the last time I saw her.

- Christ. - I'm not happy.

You know, so think about it for a minute

before you move into a dirty houseboat with a tanning bed salesman.

Even if he does have a massive cock.

Look--

No, I mean, it's massive.

How's it going, lads?

I was just saying, do you know who you look like?

Your PE teacher?

People say I look like a filthy Natalie Portman.

Do you want a drink?

Say yes.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Can I have an escort?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Can you give me the phone number

for not an expensive one?

Okay, sorry.

You're right, and plus,

I was only kidding, and you need to lighten up.

I'm just partying if you wanna come up.

What's your name?

Okay, thanks, Kevin, maybe next time.

No.

Fuck.

Hmm.

Do you think they're talking to them about us?

I doubt it.

We bought them those drinks

on the understanding that they would then buy us drinks.

- Right? - Yeah.

Hang on. Did they just buy them drinks?

You do not pay it forward.

I'm going over there.

What? No, wait. Don't go over.

Be patient.

Hey, Dave.

Hey, Dave.

Dave.

Dave.

Lamp.

Dave, are you here?

Jesus, Dave.

Dave, wake up, man.

Wake the fuck up!

Are you breathing?

Are you breathing, you fucking 45-year-old heroin partier?

Hello, I have an OD.

My friend OD'ed on Clark Street.

Hey, want a drink?

No, I've had enough.

Well, yeah, I'll have a Diet Coke. What are you having?

- Whiskey. - Yeah, okay, I'll have one of those.

- Thought we lost you to Elsa and Anna over there. - Who?

Have you not seen "Frozen"?

I don't suppose you wouldn't-- Oh, it doesn't matter.

So what's the deal with all this?

Do you play rugby, or wrestle or whatever?

No, it's crossfit, baby.

Gross.

Hey, you ever been up on the roof of this place?

It's pretty cool. You can see for, like, 1,000 miles.

Really? Like the full thousand?

To, like, all the way to Namibia.

What?

Namibi-- doesn't matter. Come on, let's go.

I love a good roof.

- Hey. - I'm just going up on the roof.

Where'd the other one go?

He's in a stable for now. I mean, he's in a coma.

But the good news is that anything that is gonna happen

has already happened other than death.

So now we just wait, see what damage there's--

You know, that's totally, um--

You know, to be figured out.

That's um, TBD.

Jesus.

I feel terrible.

Why because you got mad when he lied to you?

Men shouldn't lie to women.

Don't feel you need to talk to me.

Okay, I'll just be here by the vending machine

and only if you get the chance 'cause this is a huge favor,

but I put £2 in the machine for some chicken soup,

it's E6 and no chicken soup came out.

So if there's a machine in the doctor's lounge.

Just so... friggin' hungry.

Oh.

- Hey. - Hey.

Are you okay?

Jesus. I don't want him to die.

I mean, 'cause I quite like him,

but also he just made me feel better about me.

Thanks for telling me.

Who else am I gonna tell?

Sorry, I know I smell like a festival toilet. I drunk a lot last night.

- No. - Brushed my teeth five times. I had a shower.

I don't even know where the smell is coming from.

It's like [sniffs] my liver? I don't know.

Where's Frankie?

What? Do you not have him?

He's at Ollie's.

How are you?

Very shit. How are you?

- Very not well. - Look, I've really thought about everything.

So have I. So have I.

I think this is how I'm gonna get my head around it.

You hated your job, right? I mean, you really hated it.

And this French hussy waltzed in and made things exciting for a while,

and you let her because you're weak.

- And stupid. - Yeah, and sometimes

when I feel worthless and ugly,

I go to the coffee place by the canal because the Spanish guy who works there

definitely wants to fuck me.

I mean, he definitely wants to and I let him want that

with my body language and sometimes my words language.

What I did is worse because I jeopardized everything.

- No, you just-- - What did you want?

Some free cinnamon on your cappuccino.

I put my job and my family at risk.

Well, maybe don't.

Because I'm already finding it hard

- Okay. - to just get my head around the--

I don't wanna be alone.

I don't, either.

I don't feel safe in the house you know, on my own.

There's a new nighttime noise, and it's not a fox or--

I don't know what it is, but it's a bad new nighttime noise.

Okay, I would like to help you identify that noise.

And I know you wanted to move the bed against the other wall,

and you can't do that on your own.

Are they good enough reasons to stay together?

Maybe not, but here's another one.

I've been looking at flats and they're so expensive.

I'd have to move 30 miles away from you and the kids.

And I don't wanna do that.

And this is a tiny one,

but as I look at you,

all the reasons I fell in love with you have come flooding back so much

that I think I might throw up.

And again, flats are very expensive.

They do sound really expensive.

- Have you slept with anyone? - No.

I did jerk off a couple times at Dave's

'cause his porn collection is like museum level,

but that's it.

Have you?

- What? - Slept with anyone?

- Of course I haven't fucking slept with anyone. - Really?

No.

No, I can't show this fanny to anyone, it's a mess.

There's scar tissue. I don't even wanna look at it.

The only person I can show this fanny to is you.

Can you show it to me right now?

Oh, shit, there's a guy.

He can't see us.

I love you.

I love you.

- Hey. - Hi, Kate, it's Sharon.

How's it going?

- Are you still with-- - Am I still with who?

What's his name? From last night.

No, I am not. I'm at home

with my husband and my kids and I just made lasagna

- and now I'm putting toys away. - Good for you.

Can you just tell me approximately what happened last night?

There's a huge chunk of it I can't remember.

Are you alone? You went off with your man.

For what, like a minute?

More like an hour.

And then you left, like, with him.

Shit.

Oh.

Oh, God. Oh, shit.

Hey.

Frankie wants to show you the poop that he just did.

Before you say no, it's pretty amazing.

Sure. Oh, God.

- Hi. - Can I help you?

Yeah. I need Plan B. Like, a morning after pill.

Whatever. I mean, I probably don't, but I'm just gonna--

I need the morning after pill.

Shit.

You think Frankie understands the plot?

It's just two cowboys falling in love.

I think he probably gets it.

I'm minding Muireann.

Okay.

- Here you go. Keep the change. - Thank you.

Oh, this was in there.

Cheers.

What the fuck?

You okay?

A bit spicy.