Original subtitles

Siri, I need help from Rob Norris.

- I wanted to introduce Olivia Vasseur. - Hello.

I thought to myself,

"I'd like to suck his cock until he passes out."

- I need a short-term loan. - How much are we--

Just 10 grand. 15 if you want.

My dad's losing his fucking marbles, you know, he left the door open.

The dog's dead. It could have been Frankie.

To Bridget and Rob.

Who the fuck is Bridget?

- How was that? - Super fun.

- Did you ask what I told you to? - Which question?

If I thrust too deeply, will my penis hole latch

onto the IUD coil thingy and pull it out?

Yeah. No, it's fine. They put it more than two and a half inches inside me.

Well, then, we're all set then.

So we go IUD or vasectomy. I'm not going on the pill again.

Last time I went on the pill, I put on two stone just in my face.

Well, it is easy to take the IUD out if it doesn't agree with you?

Yeah, says here it can be removed quite easily by any qualified butcher

or bus driver.

Well, then maybe we should go that route.

To be honest, a vasectomy makes me nervous now.

I don't wanna have more children, but I wanna be able to have more children.

Yeah, no. Ugh.

I think I'll go IUD then. I don't know.

We could just use condoms.

We have to do something, though. We're fucked if I get pregnant again,

especially now I'm going back to work.

I'll just be taking the piss.

You really wanna go back so soon?

I mean, Muireann's only four months old.

Did you say that to yourself as you went off to work yesterday?

I'm not sure if I should go to work today.

Muireann's only four months old.

Maybe if I could feed her with my body, I would.

I have good news.

700 years ago they invented formula

and now men can feed the babies they make.

I love her so much. I need to get away from her, though.

So what's the plan? We put 'em both into nursery?

I want to take Frankie out there anyway.

He asked me for a cup of milk yesterday. He called me "love."

He sounds like Jason Statham. We'll just get a child minder.

A full-time child minder will cost almost as much

- as your teaching salary pays. - Yeah?

So you wanna go back to a job that takes you away from your kids

- to earn no money? - Bingo.

- How were they? - Frankie was great. She's tricky, though.

Yeah, she's a terrible person.

Shut up.

How was the funeral?

It was lovely. They laid on a big chili and rice.

- All right. - The rice wasn't cooked properly.

At a funeral, like people haven't enough to worry about.

That's true.

Whose funeral was it?

Your cousin's wife.

Ellen. Sickle cell anemia.

Terrible. Usually only African people

are supposed to get that, you know?

You two should have shone your faces really. Ash is very fond of you, Fergal.

I said a prayer for him, Mom.

Ah, 'tis lovely seeing the little ones.

Come here to your granny.

- We miss them, Des, don't we? - Ah.

Well, you should get over more then.

Well, we've been thinking

about moving to London to be nearer the grandchildren.

What do you think about that?

Dad seems all right.

Yeah, well, he isn't.

He called me Uncle Tommy at breakfast.

And I found three tins of chick peas in his suitcase yesterday.

He's breaking wind constantly.

Amanda is really upset.

Oh, God. I don't know why I'm laughing.

We're fucked if they move here.

I always thought you'd move back to Ireland to look after them.

What the hell? - Come on, you were 40, single, no dependants.

You were on a bullet train headed straight for that situation.

Then he swings in on a vine and saves you.

Now what?

You ready to go?

Hey, Fergal, listen, about that loan.

- What loan? - The loan.

I'm just taking the piss. Do you wanna meet for lunch during the week?

Thursday's best for me 'cause every other day I have body balance.

Thursday? Okay.

I'll see you Monday.

So it's a beautiful day out and I found myself thinking

I could make this day last five times longer by smoking a bunch of coke

or I could call my good friend Rob Norris

and have him bore that idea out of me.

One day at a time, fake it till you make it

and don't run so fast that your guardian angel can't keep up.

- Come on, man. - Hang in there, buddy.

Come on, fuck!

Harita, what can I do for you?

I'm gonna need you to start thinking

about an ad campaign for the new trail of an drug.

Okay, what does it do?

Well, we're not certain it does anything,

but testing suggests it might not do nothing.

- Hey! - Hey!

Just read the same sentence about Rihanna five times,

I still don't get it. I'm a moron, though.

Well, maybe try reading a book instead of a shitrag

that tells adult women they shouldn't have hair on their adult pussies.

Yeah, I hate myself.

You know, I've been thinking about you going back to work

and I wanted to let you know that I support that.

Thank you. I'll tell the other sister wives.

No, I was also thinking

you know, instead of paying a stranger to be with our children,

maybe we should think about me

being a stay at home dad for a while.

Okay, is that a joke?

No, it's not a joke.

I mean, we're in a good position now.

We've got money in the bank.

I'd get to spend time with the children.

Use the time to rethink a few things.

You know, find something that suits me a little better.

Oh, so like a gap year.

All right, look, I can't do it anymore.

You know, I had a meeting yesterday with a guy who had no whites in his eyes.

They were just black like a shark.

I mean, these are the people I work with every day.

I can tell the idea really appeals to you.

Well, no, it does. It's just I think the time

to quit your job would have been before you had two kids.

It's hard for a mother to say you can stop earning money now.

What about if you just got a really fulfilling hobby?

Right, so like smoking my own meats or magic.

See if one of those can cure my spirit cancer.

Well, now you're just being-- that's silly.

I meant photography or something, you know?

Like the saxophone.

You know what? I'm gonna take up golf. See how you like that.

I'm gonna spend all our money on golf equipment and golf holidays

and every weekend you can mind the kids

while I play golf like a fucking golfer.

Well, don't take up golf.

You can't have it both ways.

I'm not saying don't quit your job.

I'm just saying let's look at the bigger picture

and you know, talk about us.

All right, well--

Beautiful.

What age is she now?

Four months.

Is that a new printer?

That's elegant.

Is this-- Jesus, is this new carpet?

What is going on?

She doesn't look like you at all.

I think-- I think she does. I think she does look like me.

- Are you sure she's yours? - Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Sorry. Can you not do that with your fingers?

I don't want her to get a nicotine buzz.

When are you back with us?

I was thinking soon. Like, you know, in a few weeks.

- How old is the baby? - Still four months.

You're not gonna take the whole 52 weeks?

No, I'm fucking not. Sorry, no, I'm not.

So what's the crack, lads? What's going on?

Okay, well,

I'm gonna be here for a bit

so if anyone wants to catch up. I'll see you soon.

Yeah, bye-bye-bye. I'll just be here.

All right, Pete.

How's the breastfeeding going?

Fine.

When my wife stopped nursing,

it was the smell I missed the most.

My wife was like, "Don't get used to the smell, it won't be around forever."

And I was like, "I don't care."

But she was right. And I did care.

It's nice to smell it again.

I'm gonna wait outside.

This is a better table.

Thanks, man, I wanted to start getting our finances in order

'cause I'm thinking about-- what's this?

What's this? It's your money.

Rather, it's a spreadsheet explaining how your money

is mingling with other money and growing making little money babies.

Having much more fun than if it was sitting in some savings account.

It wasn't in a savings account. It was in a mutual fund

that I had to pay a penalty to get it out of.

- What even is this? - What is this?

What is it? If you repeat a question back to me again,

- I'm gonna fucking go bananas. - Hey, man, just relax.

No, no, I won't.

Okay, just listen.

Some real estate guys I know are opening a resort in Budva.

Where the fuck is that?

Budva. Montenegro.

- Montenegro? - Yeah. Have you been?

No, no one has.

Listen, it's in the early planning stages,

but you're gonna get your money back and then some.

So you'll probably look back on how mad you are now and laugh by the way.

Probably wouldn't be a good idea to tell Sharon about this.

I can't think of a scenario where she wouldn't kill us both

so no need to worry about that.

I knew I could depend on you my br-

Don't you French at me.

Montenegro.

This is to go.

Thank you so much for coming in.

Mrs. Hammond, hi, sorry. Is this a good time for a quick word?

Miss Norris, I'm just talking to Mr. Warner here.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Would just like to address some little issues with Gabriel that we have.

He is such a firecracker in the classroom,

but we need to find a way of containing his energy.

And I'm wondering whether you could help us with that.

We are working our hardest because he's actually a very able boy,

and we want to find a way of bringing the best out of him.

...was very worrying. I'm wondering whether he has breakfast.

- So hopefully see you when I-- - I'm not sure if--

Okay, thanks, bye. Sorry.

I think somebody's hungry.

I forgot my bread.

- May I come in? - Yeah, yes. What's up?

I don't want things to continue to be awkward between us.

Neither do I.

I think that the way I spoke to you a few weeks ago was not--

what I mean is I shouldn't have said those things.

Hey, we all say crazy things sometimes.

I mean, I probably could have done certain things differently, too.

So I didn't imagine it.

No, I don't think you did.

The tension between us.

Yeah, of course there was tension.

I'm really sorry.

Don't torture yourself on my account.

I mean, if I wasn't married...

I mean, if my marriage were in slightly worse shape, I would totally--

what I mean is you're very beautiful.

Too beautiful to work in the same building as me anyway.

And well, look, I'll shut up now,

but yes, there was tension,

and now there isn't because here we are saying there shouldn't be.

Cool.

I'll let you finish your stinky kebab. Bye-bye.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Mmmmm! - How was work?

Not a total nightmare today.

Cool.

Oh, God, you all smell so good.

I dropped in school today.

I've got a meeting with Hammond on Thursday.

They got a new carpet in the staff room.

What? - Yeah, I mean it's more carpet tiles, but--

- Still. - I know.

What were you doing with Fergal earlier?

Mallandra said he was with you.

Oh. We just grabbed lunch.

I need to talk to him about Dad.

We need to figure out what to do.

Well, have you thought about residential care?

Yeah, but what about my mom? She's young. She's cool.

She doesn't wanna be hanging around with a load of old idiots

just playing bingo and flicking through coffin catalogs.

Maybe she would. Have you asked her?

It's not funny.

Are you asking me if I'd be okay with them moving in here because--

I don't know. I don't know what I'm asking.

I mean, if the shoe was on the other foot.

You know, if you wanted your mother to move in with us,

I would work really hard to try and find a way to make that not happen.

Of course.

We need to help my dad.

He would never ask for help and he deserves it.

This is the man who took on the nuns for me.

Like high-ranking nuns, like the dangerous ones.

The ones that can fuck you up.

Okay, well, let's think about it.

The kids might like it if they moved in here.

And, you know, they say pets are good

to have around to teach kids about mortality.

So grandparents would be like...

No. No, do you not think...

No?

- Don't get up. - Oh, sorry, what?

- How are you doing? Welcome back. - Thank you. It feels like--

How are mothering duties treating you?

Well, it's you know, it's really been--

We've had Mr. Lawler off with his back six months now. - Oh, God.

And Miss Fanning left us last month to pursue her yoga.

I must hit her up for some free--

- What can I do for you? - Just to talk about coming back, really.

I know you've had a temporary.

- Miss Shanna. - Yeah, she seems-- I met her in the--

When would you be interested in returning?

I think ASAP, really.

I mean, to be honest, I didn't realize how much I love teaching

until I had to be around my own kids 24 hours a day.

I love my kids. I wanna be around them maybe eight hours a day.

The rest of the hours I wanna be somewhere else.

I mean, it's been wonderful.

You know, it's everything I hoped,

and part of me will find it very tricky to leave them,

because, you know, especially Muireann

because, you know, she's only--

I mean, she's just four months old.

And it took a while to bond with her,

so now I feel like every day

I'm just sort of making up for lost time and that's hard on Frankie.

You know, he's my eldest.

Because that takes attention away from him,

and he was very sick.

I don't know if you-- he was premature.

And he was so tiny.

My husband and I nearly broke up because of the strain.

I mean, Frankie's fine now apart from his kidneys.

And one of his ears is still-- We're lucky. We're very lucky.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is

that it's just hard

you know, just to know how to do things best.

Oh, shit, sorry.

I think a little more time.

Yeah, yeah.

Take some time with the children.

I think maybe just--

Yeah. It's been lovely to see you.

It's been lovely. It's been lovely. Thank you.

Thank you so much. I'll-- yeah.

Hey, you wanted to see me?

You know Margaret from HR.

Yeah, hi, Margaret.

Rob, Olivia's made a rather serious complaint against you.

What?

She said you made sexual remarks towards her in your office,

and she no longer feels comfortable working in the same environment as you.

What? What?!

She said you told her that "if your marriage was in slightly worse shape,

you would totally want an affair with her

and that she was too beautiful to work in the same building as you."

Okay. Hmm.

Did she tell you that a few weeks ago she told me

that she wanted to suck my cock until I passed out?

That kind of language is utterly inappropriate and vile.

I fucking agree.

I'm gonna ask you to step out now, Rob.

I will step out, but I'll be stepping back in tout suite

to receive an apology from all three of you.

You know what? You can stick your apologies up your asses,

and not in a sexual way. I'm taking a leave of absence.

Margaret, I'll thank you to sort that.

Harita, thank you for everything.

Olivia, I hope you die in a fire and that's not a threat.

It's just a wish that I have in my own private heart.

Shit.

Hello.

Hey, I'm gonna give you a chance to explain the £15,000 withdrawal from our account

before I go fucking ape shit on you.

I can hear you thinking. Don't think. Just start talking.

Fergal. Fergal asked me for money.

Fergal asked you and not me?

Yes, and I'm a dangerous moron for giving it to him,

but when he asked I thought I was being noble or some bullshit.

I'm gonna kill him and you, you fucking liar.

Giving £15,000 of our money away without telling me is lying.

No, it isn't. I wanted to help your brother,

not mine, to keep a roof over his family's head. I don't even like him.

- Now I'm gonna fucking kill him. - No, I'm killing him.

I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna go and kill him now.

- Since when did you become a letter opener?

I haven't seen you open a letter from the bank or any letter.

You just throw mail on the on the letter mountain on the sink.

- Hey, sold enough drugs for one day? - Oh, Christ.

Hey, I'm having fun, man. This is um... [snaps fingers] Leslie.

We met on Tinder. Her profile picture is her giving the finger to a tiger.

And I was like, "Yes, I wanna hang out with you.

- Hi. - What about your liver, Dave?

Liver sliver. I'm on donor waiting lists

at a bunch of hospitals in America.

- I'll be fine. - Jesus Christ.

Also, Catherine dumped me. Didn't I tell you?

So I really want her to think I'm, like,

"in danger." That's what this is all about.

You don't think it's about you being a sissy alcoholic asshole

who just wanted to get loaded?

Also a possibility.

Oh, my God, look at that.

Jesus Christ, do not talk or look at her. She's a crazy bad person.

Shit. Is she the one you fucked a toilet for? - Shut up, man.

Hey, you wanna come to Lucky Voice with us? You wanna do karaoke?

Go to a hospital or something, please. Just get away from me.

Rob Norris. You're a wet blanket, Rob.

You're a wet blanket and a bad friend.

You're not my friend anymore

if you don't come to karaoke with us.

- Oh, hey, do you wanna-- - Don't speak.

You should have come to me. - What were you gonna do? You're a teacher.

Have a fucking bake sale for me? I needed money. I still need money.

Things are expected of me because I'm a man.

For God's sake.

You don't understand. Everything is on a knife edge. We have to move.

- Mallandra, she can't even look at me. - Hello, we're back.

I'll get you the money back as soon as I can, okay?

Just please don't tell Mom and Dad.

- Offer to let them move in with you. - Come on.

Let them move in with you until we can sort something more permanent out.

- I'll tell them. - What are you, a fucking terrorist?

Hey, do you want a cup of tea?

Don't mind if I do.

- Fergal has some fun news. - Oh.

You look awful.

Sounds about right.

Well, you should feel awful.

I went and see Fergal. He's gonna give the money back when he has it.

But he's gonna shoulder the mom and dad shit.

- Okay, that's the deal. - Great.

Because it's not worth falling out with family over money.

- No, I guess-- - And when I say family,

I mean my brother. I don't mean you.

- Okay. - Here's some other news.

Just before I found out my husband gives our money away,

I broke down in front of the head mistress.

Full snot cry as we both realized I'm not ready to go back to work.

And I feel bad saying this,

but I really don't want you to give up your job.

Right, okay.

This is the first time in my life

I've had choices. We've had choices.

We can go on nice holidays

or we could buy a dress we like that isn't in the sale.

I know you take a taxi back from the gym sometimes.

The point is we have choices.

I can't stay there.

Why not? Because your job is morally challenging.

Well, whose job isn't?

I used to have to cast the smart talented kids in the summer play

so it would reflect well on the school

when I should have been casting the fat, shy ones.

I didn't like doing that, but I like getting a paycheck once a month.

I can't go back there, honey.

What do you mean you can't go back there?

What's happened?

Rob.

Well, so...

earlier today...

it's almost silly is what--

is what it is.

Do you wanna put the baby down?