All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S01E05.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Can we get an update on
what's shakin' out over there?

It'd be great to get
a clearer idea

of what you've been doin'.

Up your game,
like the guy said.

Maybe buy a suit
with normal length arms.

Do you think Clive Owen
would wear that?

- Fran thinks I'm having an affair.
- What?

She wants to meet with you
and sort it out.

This is--

No!

No, I asked you
the one simple thing.

- Fuck off!
- Oh, tell me to fuck off.

Yeah, I'm telling you
to fuck off.

That reminds me.

We really should go ahead
and pull the trigger on the wedding.

Should I make an appointment
at the registry office?

I don't know if I want to do it at
a registry office.

- Why not?
- Well, bec--

It's embarrassing
but when I was 19

this Polish guy who used to
come into the restaurant where I worked at

he paid me to be a witness at
his registry office wedding.

You were a witness whore?

Yeah, well, 50 quid.

Anyway, he took us all to
TGI Friday afterwards,

and he and the English girl he married,
they got beyond pissed,

and he fell over and
broke his jaw on a urinal.

- How the fuck?
- I don't know,

and since I was the
least drunk person there,

I had to take him to
the hospital.

He freaked out and kicked
a nurse in the stomach,

and then he threw a wheelchair
at a vending machine.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

So, you know,
I don't want our wedding to be like that.

Yeah, me neither.

The last big wedding I went to
was my sister's.

300 people.

That was the one I
shat my pants at.

Oh, yeah.

What'd your sister think
about that?

She didn't care for it.
I mean, nobody did.

I think after the fact,
for anecdotal value,

people were glad
it happened.

Yeah, of course.

But, you know,
I wouldn't do it again.

Yeah, we don't
have to have 300 people,

you know,
just some family and friends,

- and a few Scotch eggs.
- Hmm.

What do you think?

You up for doing
something more than

a sad transaction
in a gray building?

- Definitely.
- Great.

What'd you think if
I asked your mother?

Sure. Go ahead.

I mean, I will say,
if she wasn't my mother,

I definitely
wouldn't invite her.

I mean, just 'cause
she's not fun. Or nice.

Yeah, we don't have to
have her on our table.

I love watching
young couples argue.

I can't keep
my eyes off of 'em.

I hope he hits her.

And then the cops Tase him
and he falls in the river.

Now you're talkin'.

If we ever
sound like that,

please get a gun from America
and shoot us both.

We sound like that
all the time.

Do we?

Yeah, but we've got
real problems.

Hang on a second.

I've been at Fry and Loeb
for 11 years,

and you're gonna fire me for making you a
shit load of money,

and opening a UK office?

We're not firing you.

I mean, we are, unless you want to
come back to Boston

where you have an office
and clients.

I get that my current setup
isn't conventional, but--

You're right,
it's not conventional.

By the way,
are you in a college dorm?

You know what?
Fuck you, Mark.

Hey, Rob.
Look, come on.

And Tony, fuck you
for being a nice guy,

and workin' with this
fuckin' asshole.

You know what, Mark?

When I heard that
Greg had a stroke,

my first thought after being
sad for his family,

was that I wish it had been you,
you conniving cunt.

No. He can't talk to me
like that.

And Tony, you better make sure that I
get a nice severance package,

or I'm gonna come there and kick
Mark's ass in front of that receptionist

that he sexually harasses
for three hours every day.

And Mark, you can--

Is he done?

Hey,
how was your day?

Shit.

How was yours?

Good. It was good.
Very good.

- Tea?
- Yeah.

It's just tough at the moment

because I don't smile for the
first few months of the school year.

I mean, you really can't.
If they smell weakness, they just--

It's like putting chum
in the water for sharks.

But it's hard because
there's this new lad

with thick glasses and
one big eyebrow,

and I just really want to
smile at him.

- Can I have a wagon wheel?
- Sure.

Hey, I was thinking how great it is that
our kid is gonna have two cultures,

can two countries that
he can spend time in.

Hmm. Yeah.

I mean, especially
when he's a baby.

I mean, we'll be able to just
bounce back and forth.

Mm.

You know, it might be worth thinking about
basing ourselves in Boston for a while.

I mean, it's cheaper by probably
about 500 percent.

Why are you saying this to me?

I was let go
from my job today.

- What?
- It's fine.

They only let me go 'cause
it wasn't working out here.

I mean, they would have
kept me forever back there.

Not that I'd go back to
that shit shop

when they wouldn't give me 20 minutes
to even plug in my fuckin' computer here.

But I could work
anywhere in Boston.

Everyone in advertising
knows me there.

I don't want to live
in Boston.

Why not?

Because it's Boston.

I mean, once you graduate to a
place like London or New York,

you don't regress to Boston.
What's even there?

And, you know, my family's here,
my job, my friends.

Yeah, I had all that, too. And now I don't
even have a job here anymore.

And do you think our baby
would like to eat, for example?

'Cause I'd like to be able
to buy it food,

and I was issued a
very specific work visa,

not a sit-around-
on-a-couch visa.

Yeah, okay.
It's terrifying.

But, you know,
just take a minute.

Don't go making
crazy decisions for us.

I will help you.

And we'll sort it out,
but we have to sort it out here.

And, you know, I mean,
just to be practical,

you can't fly when
you're this pregnant.

Isn't that just
the last trimester?

You can't fly to Boston at
any point during your pregnancy.

Yes!

I feel like
a fucking god here.

Brits don't have bowling
in their veins like we do.

It's like being
Super Man on Earth.

Hey, listen. I wound up parting ways
with my company in the US.

I was wondering if you
knew of any job leads.

Take that, the Queen.

Did you hear about that
heart drug Tevantrix

that killed all those people
a couple of months ago?

- No.
- Oh, good.

Well, I'm on the board of
the company that makes it,

and their putting together a
kind of messaging task force,

you know, to teach the public
that they do stuff other than kill people.

- Oh, Jesus.
- No, they're good guys.

My pal Harita is
the senior VP of marketing,

and I guarantee that
she will see you if I tell her to.

So what do you think, man,
you want me to hit her up?

I guess, yeah.

I need money and
a visa, so yes.

Well, all right.

Thank you.

I owe you one.

Have you ever heard of
a prostate massage?

I'm not massaging
your prostate.

No, I don't want you
to massage my prostate.

I want you to come with me
to this place I know

where we can both get
our prostates massaged.

I went there
a couple of weeks ago.

I'm telling you, man, it is easily
the best orgasm I have ever had.

And before you say anything,
it's not gay.

That's like eighth on the list
of why I don't want to do it.

But they do put something
up your butt, right?

Way up.

It kinda hurts.

'Til they start massaging
the old prostate.

Yeah,
I'm not gonna do that.

Oh, come on, man.

Come on, spend some
quality time with me.

My dad died
a few weeks ago.

Et cetera.

Your dad died,
et cetera?

Yeah, I don't really want to
talk about it.

Just...

come and get your
butt fucked with me.

Help me heal.

- Hello?
- Hello, is this Mia?

Yes, it is.

Mia, this is Sharon.

Um, from London.

Rob's Sharon.

Oh. Yes, of course.
How are you?

I'm okay, thank you.
Nice to speak to you.

I know we'll meet
sooner or later

I just wanted to
introduce myself.

And also to invite you
to our wedding.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, we're-we're gonna
get married properly,

so if it's something that
you wanted to attend,

then we'd be very happy to
work around your dates and--

You know, I really--
I don't fly well,

and I-- I can't
leave my dogs, so--

Oh. Would it make
any difference

if I told you we're not just getting
married because I'm pregnant?

Yeah, we-- we really
like each other,

and also,
he needs a visa.

Whatever the reason,
it's just such wonderful news.

I'm just so glad that
Rob has found someone

after everything with Betsy.

Who's Betsy?

Betsy? His ex?

You know,
after Betsy miscarried,

it was very hard
for both of them. And me.

- What?
- He must have told you.

No. Um, I have to say
I think that's very insensitive of you.

I am currently pregnant,
after all.

- Well, I didn't mean--
- Oh, no, I think you did.

Jesus, stick the knife in
phone call number one, why don't you.

Sorry?

You know what?
I rescind my invitation.

That means
I take it back.

You're not invited.

Hello?

I hope your dogs
get leukemia.

Are you chewing gum?

Take it out,
put it in the bin.

Hi.

Hi.

So, I got a
job interview today.

Great.

And, uh, I checked out that place you like
for the reception by the canal.

- And I think that--
- You never told me you got

another woman pregnant.

Uh, well, I didn't--

- Did my mother--
- Yeah.

- Was it on purpose?
- What?

Was it an "oh, no, whoops"
pregnant like me,

or was it a "let's make a baby" pregnant
like normal people?

Does it matter?
Look, as big as this is,

I had a life before you.

Yeah, I knew you
fucked other women,

I just didn't know you
fucked babies into them.

- Jesus.
- And you meant to do it with Betsy.

You know,
that was premeditated.

I was like a--
a second degree pregnancy.

You just got drunk and drove into a crowd
of women and got me pregnant.

A second degree pregnancy?

Why didn't you tell me?

What would you have done
with that information?

If the baby had been born,
I would have told you.

But it wasn't.

Okay.

Sorry.

Well, don't be sorry.

- Jesus, can I explain?
- No, it doesn't matter.

Just forget it.

I might have insulted
your mother a little bit on the phone.

Like how?

Tell me how,
'cause I want to do a different,

more hurtful insult
when I call her.

Yes? Hello?

Hi, Mia.
It's Sharon.

Uh, from London again.

I saw that it was
a UK number.

I just thought it was Rob
calling to yell at me again.

I'm-- I'm sorry about that.

And sorry for saying that you
couldn't come to the wedding.

Of course
we want you to come.

Well, I don't think Rob
wants me to come, so--

No, of course,
he wants you to come.

Well, I can't leave
the dogs.

No, that-- that's fine.
Just, you know, want you to know that

if you could come
to the wedding

you'd be welcome.

By the way,
do you have Betsy's surname?

It's just, um,

I thought it'd be a nice gesture to
invite her along because,

you know, we just want
everybody to be there.

You know, a lot of
my ex-boyfriends will be coming.

Well, not a lot,
but maybe three.

- Ostroff.
- It's Os--

- Ostroff.
- That's O--

O-S-T-R-O-F-F.

Well, you know,
if Betsy's gonna make the journey,

then maybe I should come.

I would just
love to see her.

What about the dogs?

- Well, I--
- And the thing is,

I want to ask her but,
you know, it's a numbers game,

so that could all change.

And I'm actually at school
at the moment,

so I'm gonna have to--
It's lovely talking to you.

Hello?

Please let it be you.

Oh, good for you.

You're not better than me.

I just came in
to get my workbook.

Well, get it then.

I'm sure Dave's told you
a little about what's been happening here.

Blow back hasn't been as bad
as it could have been.

It was only
older men who died.

Focus groups we've done since
have shown

they're the least missed
demographic.

I mean, a child dies and understandably
people get really upset,

but four or five guys
in their 70s, it's like...

sad but also...

c'est la vie.

Well, that's--
Wow.

I mean, I guess if you're going to be
allegedly responsible

for some people
not being alive anymore,

uh, then old men
are the best ones.

I think the one that really hurt us
was the astronaut.

Okay, yeah,
I did read about him.

So, what are your thoughts on
how we might progress this?

Well, I'm not sure people feel the same
way about astronauts as they used to.

They're not the heroes
that they once were.

I don't know if this made
the news here,

but a few years ago

a female astronaut
traveled across the US in a diaper

with a bunch of weapons
in her trunk

to attack a love rival.

So, you know, really,
they're just like you and me.

So, it pays really well,

and they'd sort my visa.

But the woman who interviewed me
definitely sleeps in a coffin.

Well, two out of three.

And did you try?

- What?
- Big and Tall.

No. I didn't go to the
Big and Tall Modeling Agency.

Why not?

I think you should
just go in.

Just pop in.

What would be the harm
in just popping in?

Well, I'm big and tall,
but I'm not that big and tall.

Well, I think you are.

And now we'll never know.

Listen, um--

I know I said I didn't want to
talk about Betsy,

and I understand why
you didn't tell me,

but to be honest,

I just would have
liked to have known,

because I'd hate for you to
have to deal with a bombshell like that.

So I thought
before the wedding

we should just get
a few things out there, you know?

So there's no skeletons
in our closet.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So, uh, um,
I went out with a French guy,

and I had two
pregnancy scares with him.

And I considered
moving to France.

Oh, well, I mean, that's--

No, I haven't told you
the thing yet.

So, two pregnancy scares,
considered moving to France,

and when I broke up with him,

he committed--

tried to kill himself.

So I just wanted to
tell you that.

You know, 'cause I'd hate for you to have
to learn that from my mother.

I'm not telling you that
to scare you.

Okay. Uh, are you sure
that's why he did it?

Because a lot of people
who are depressed--

Yeah, I'm why he did it.

Okay. Well, thank you
for telling me that.

Well, that's okay.

What is wrong with him?

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Wow. I haven't had
a birthday gift in a few year.

You know, that I can open
with paper and all that,

so I don't even care
what's in here.

Oh.

Actually, I do.
I love them.

Well, thank you.
I made them.

You can wear them
to dinner tonight.

Just them
and nothing else.

Can I wear
my maternity bra?

It's just my tits
are a bit sore.

Well, okay,
but that's it.

No cake tonight.
No candles.

Don't want any waiters
singing to me.

Just makes me want to vom.

What time is it?

It's just after 7.

Do you want to get under here
and put another baby in me?

I can try.

Hey, you're late,
Heisenberg, let's go, man.

Listen, I came here to
thank you for setting up that interview,

and to tell you
I'm not doing this.

What? Come on, man,
we had a deal.

We didn't have a deal.

You did a nice thing for me
and I'm grateful,

but I never said I would let a stranger
put anything up in my asshole.

You gotta try this, man.
It feels so good.

I believe you,
but now is not the time

for me to pay a hooker
to fuck my butt with an implement.

You do that after you've
been with somebody for a long time,

and you hate each other.
I'm not there yet.

Okay, well, you want to do
something more low key?

I mean, we could go get
some lap dances.

Dave, I don't want to do
those things with you.

What, you don't want
big titties all over your face?

Of course I do,
but in my own home,

not a strip club
at lunchtime.

Look, I can tell that
you're a bit lonely or whatever.

I'm not lonely, motherfucker.

Well, whatever the case is,
you know,

you need some
companionship or something.

Listen, I'm having
a party tonight for Sharon.

Do you want to come?

Uh, no, I can't tonight.
I've got a thing.

All right, well,
let's talk soon.

Rob.

Uh, where is it?
Just in case.

So I've had a wee trim,
threw on my best cologne,

so I can give Sharon
a birthday kiss she'll really enjoy.

Now we're kissin'
each other's wives.

Oh, hey, Chris,
you have to know

that was an accident.

It was a hug
that I think she--

Not that it was her fault,
it's just--

I'm just takin'
the piss, man.

I'm glad you did.

She came home and
fucked my knob off after that.

You're my hero
as far as I'm concerned.

Oh. Well, good.
Oh, okay.

Uh, thank you,
and I'm sorry.

I'm still kissin' Sharon, no.

- Hiya.
- Hey, glad you could make it.

Where's Mallandra?

Oh, sorry, did I not say?
She didn't want to come.

Are we early?
There's more people comin', right?

No, this is it.
And-- I know, I--

It's just, I don't know
a lot of her friends.

I'm not optimistic
she'll be thrilled.

- Rob.
- Hey, Fran.

So great you could come.

You know the last birthday
of Sharon's that I went to

we ended up taking some mushrooms of
the magical variety.

Ended up getting our
clitoral hoods pierced.

Won't be doing that again
any time soon.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- Hey!
- Hey. Hi!

Thank you.
For doing this to me.

- Come here.
- Hi, hi.

- Birthday girl.
- Nice to see you.

Thank you.

Hey!
Sorry we're late.

This is, um,
my friend.

Um, happy birthday.
41.

41!

Friday night's a tricky night
for getting people out.

Yeah, yeah,
that's maybe what it is.

Well, this is humiliating.

That's exactly the response
I was hoping for.

Let's not do
the big wedding.

Is that all right?

I mean,
look around you.

I have a petite
circle of friends.

You have one friend.

He's probably gonna OD
before we get married.

And if you had any idea
what something costs

when you put the word wedding
in front of it.

If you knew how much a wedding
ham costs as opposed to a ham ham,

you wouldn't want to be
part of that.

I just want a transaction
in a gray building.

Okay.

And then you can
finger me in a cab

on the way to TGI Fridays.

I'd like that.

Good news, buddy.

Harita from Braeband called.
She wants you.

She's gonna send you
an offer letter on Monday.

Oh, goddammit!

I don't care.

I don't care!

- Happy birthday.
- To the happy couple.

- I mean, to the--
- Happy birthday.

That was a
long come for me.

Yeah, that was--
Wow.

Oh, could you just
wipe your--

Yeah.

I keep thinking about you
getting another woman pregnant.

- Oh.
- And I'm not being obsessive,

and-- and I understand
why you didn't tell me,

it's just...

I've never actually
liked anyone enough

to want to have
a baby with them,

and you did and it just
messes me up a bit.

Well, listen to me.

My life was smaller then.

I worked next to Betsy
for six years,

and then I found myself
dating her,

then we were living together
because it was cheaper,

and I'm sorry to say that,
but it's true.

Babies started appearing
in my world,

so it seemed normal to try,

and she got pregnant,

and then,
in rapid succession, she miscarried,

and I found out she'd been hiding
her Jewishness from me.

- What the fuck?
- I'm kidding.

And I know I shouldn't be
kidding right now

because, yes, I was sad
when she miscarried,

but it was
tempered by the fact

that I was happier
not being with her.

And then you blew into my life
like a fuckin' hurricane,

and FYI, sex with her was,
at best, nice,

but you induce like
a medical condition in me,

and I had to be inside you
for like a week.

You fucked me up.

I have to
tell you something.

One of the first nights
we were together,

you made this weird sound
when you came.

Like, normally you're
all grunty and "arrr,"

but this one time you made this
weird, high pitched kind of feminine,

kind of--

And I don't know
if you remember,

but one of the days I didn't
call you until like 9 p.m.

Yeah.

Well,
it was because of that.