All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S01E04.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Ohh!

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

You won't be able to do
that for much longer.

Which part?

Toss me about
like a sack of radishes.

Yeah, I will.

You're sexier pregnant
than you are not pregnant,

and it gives me
super strength.

I'll fuck you

and then throw you up
on top of the refrigerator.

What will I do up there?

I don't care.

You know
how we were talking

about doing
the godparents thing?

You were talking about it

because you want to ask
that Irish writer dude

that you barely know.

I don't barely know him.

I know him.

I went to the same
school as him.

And I just think
it would be great

for our child to have someone

of that cultural
significance in his life.

In your life.

Anyway, you have
to christen a child

if you
want to have godparents,

so I think we should do that.

If I thought you halfway
believed in any of that shit,

I'd christen it
three times, but you don't.

We can't not christen
the baby, Rob.

Why? It's bullshit.

You know that godparents
have to renounce the devil?

So what?

How weird is that?

A bunch of adults
standing around a baby,

pretending to believe
in the devil

so they can renounce him.

The baby won't know.

Yeah, but we'll know.

- We don't care.
- I care.

Well, why don't we just
have a naming ceremony?

Because that is a bullshit

California yoga retreat
load of bullshit,

and my parents
would kill me.

The best case scenario

is we ask your Patrick O'Heaney
to be godfather

and he's like "Okay," and then
he changes his phone number

and writes a poem
about what assholes we are.

Ohh. I don't know.

I just think there's pros

in raising your kid just
a little bit religious.

Like, God is like the best
friend of the lazy parent.

Why is the sun yellow?

Because God's favorite
color is yellow.

Now go upstairs so I can
give Dad a special hug

and make you a little sister.

Okay, well,
that makes sense.

I mean, it all
comes back to love.

Are you nervous about
meeting my parents tomorrow?

Yeah, but manageably.

You?

Don't know.

My dad's pretty hard
to talk to.

He's like a piece of granite
with bushy eyebrows.

What about your mom?

She's magical.

You'll like her better
than you like me.

Great.

How's she doing
in the boob department?

Well, she only has one

since her mastectomy
a couple of years back,

but it's pretty big.

Oh.

Okay.

Terrible flight.

Turbulence.

Oh.

- Fuckin' Ryanair.
- Des.

They sat me next to a Turkish.

A Turkish what?

A Turkish man.

Right.

From Turkey.

Right, right.

Let me just check on the tea.

Doesn't get any better
than this, does it?

- Your brother's place?
- Oh, yeah, it's lovely.

He's doubled his money
on this place.

He hasn't doubled
his money, Dad.

The money doubled itself.

You know,
he just sat there.

I'll go and help with the tea.

Where are you going?

- I love Ireland.
- You're an American.

I'm sorry.

I was just saying
I love Ireland.

Have you been?

I want to.

Ugh.

What've they been doing
since they got here?

What have they been doing?
You saw it.

Growing mushrooms out of their
arseholes on my couch.

I told them I was going
to the office earlier,

and I hid
in the girls' bedroom

just so I could have
some fucking peace.

I had to take a piss
into a sippy cup.

Can I tell them?
This is taking too long.

No. You're an observer
today, okay? Like the UN.

You say a syllable,
and I'll cut your hands off.

Whatever happened
to that Owen fella?

He was around for a while.

He moved to Africa,
didn't he, Sha?

Hmm? Yeah. Yeah.
He had to go to Africa.

He was a good man.

Well, I won't be running off
to Africa any time soon.

I don't even know where it is.

So, uh, Mum, Dad,

we've got something
we'd like to tell you--

talk to you about.

Lovely news I think
will make you very happy,

and that's...

we're getting married.

Congratulations.

- Thanks, Mum.
- I thought you were
going to tell us

you were pregnant
there for a minute.

And I'm pregnant.
That's also part of this.

Your dad will warm up.

I mean, Fergal and I
are practically--

I wouldn't say brothers yet

but maybe like cousins
who are also good friends.

We really bonded
when he came with me

to pick out the ring.

And we both laughed when
your dad farted at the TV

when Tottenham
scored that goal.

Everybody laughed at that.

Yeah, but I think Fergal
and I the hardest.

Hey, why don't we ask
Fergal to be the godfather?

He's not technically an adult
in the eyes of the Church.

What?

He missed his confirmation
because he had the measles,

and then he refused
to do it the following year

because he'd a growth spurt
and a mustache by then.

Also, fuck him.
I don't want him to do it.

Your mom cornered me
at one point

and asked me
where I go to Mass.

What did you say?

Saint Mary's.

How are we feeling?

Fine, I guess.
Not terrible.

I mean, emotionally,
I suppose, I'm like...

A dumpster fire.

A bit up and down.

Good.
Now, I do have something

that we need to discuss
that is somewhat serious.

- It's full cancer now?
- No, no.

No, it's not that.
What it is,

we've been catching up
on screenings

that your first doctor
didn't do.

One of them
is the combined test,

and that tells us if there's
a chromosomal abnormality.

What does that mean?

It would mean that
there's a higher risk

of your baby having
Down syndrome.

Because in a geriatric
pregnancy--

Geriatric?

It's just a term.

But according
to the combined test,

you are looking
at a 1 in 50 risk

that your child
has Down syndrome.

Well, Christ.

1 in 50?
That's not that bad.

- What are you, a sadist?
- Sharon.

No, why do I need
to know that?

Because the risk
should ideally be

three times as low,

and I am required
to tell you that

in case
you need to prepare

for a substantially different
child-rearing experience.

You know,
some people decide

they won't ever
be ready for that.

Honey--

Why--

Where are my knickers?

- Uh--
- Where are my--

Can you think up

or make up some good news

for the next time we come in?

Uh, okay.

Thank you.

Oh. Hey, Melissa,
she just came in.

Okay. Thank you.

Where the hell
have you been?

I walked to Croydon.

Okay. Is that far?

It's about 13 miles.

Well, if you ever need
to do that again,

please let me shadow you from
a block back or something.

Okay.

What are we going to do?

Why couldn't you
come over here and got me
pregnant ten years ago?

- What the hell
were you doing then?
- Nothing that cool.

Can't I just enjoy
my fucking pregnancy?

Why can't I go
to the doctor one time

and not get a bombshell

that makes me want to just
rip all my hair out?

Every time I see a happy
pregnant woman on the street,

I want to punch her.

I know.

And I'm so sorry.

And I don't expect this

to make you
feel better right now,

but the fucking math of it
all is still in our favor,

even if it's worse math
than most people get.

I don't know.

Maths.

Maths.

Fuck maths.

Fuck each math.

My uncle Kenny
has Down syndrome,

and he's a cool guy.

- Your uncle Kenny?
- Yeah.

He showed me my first
picture of a boob.

It was in a breast health
pamphlet or something.

Well, I'm sure
your uncle Kenny

was great fun to hang out with
when you were little,

but do you hang out
with him now?

Because somebody has to.
They need more help forever.

Are you ready for that?

Well, no.
I haven't seen him in--

But that's not the point.
The point is--

I don't know if I'm
a good enough person

to be able to look
after a disabled child.

Neither am I.

A friend of mine's brother

had Down syndrome,

and his parents were still
looking after him

when they were in their 70s.

And then the dad died,
and it was just the mum left.

I used to see them
in the supermarket,

and she never once
looked anything but old

and really, really tired.

Well, who fucking
whistles their way
around a supermarket?

You know, maybe they went
home and smoked a joint

and watched Judge Judy,
and had a great time.

What do you want to do?

Do you mind if we don't
talk about it anymore?

It's not going to happen.

- But if it did--
- It's not.

Put it this way:
imagine you've got

a 1 in 100 chance
of winning the lottery.

It's 1 in 50.

Fine. 1 in 50 chance

of winning the lottery
if you buy a ticket tomorrow.

Feeling good
about your chances?

- No, but--
- There you go.

If you're not
going to win that,

why would you win this one?

- That's a good point.
- Side point,

the lottery is for
mouth-breathing idiots

and should be illegal.

My cunt dad pissed away
every paycheck at Ladbrokes

till the day he shot
himself in our barn.

Fuck, that is good cake.

Ohh. By the way,

Fran thinks
I'm having an affair.

She found the receipts
from all our din-dins

and jumped to conclusions,

so I had to tell her
I'd been out with you.

- What?
- It's all right.

She wants to meet with you
and sort it out.

Why? No, I'm sorry.

This is not a good time

Don't be a bastard.

Life goes on.

So man up and talk
to my wife for me.

"Spleeny"?

That's not a word.

Yeah, it is.

It is a word.

- Spleeny?
- Yeah, spleeny.

Like, if I walk into a room
with a pile of human spleens.

Yeah. You'd say, "It smells
a bit spleeny in here."

What? No. We said we
weren't looking things up.

Rob, don't-- Ohh.

Who's calling you?

Who's calling me?

Yeah.

Uh... Oh. Chris.

Fran found out Chris
and I were dating,

and he wants me
to go and talk to her.

You bellend.

Spleeny works.

That's-- You win.

Yes! Bananas!

So I think when you consider

everything that happened
in the 14th century,

complaining about
whether you can find

a socket for your
iPad charger, Kiki,

when you're on holiday
with your parents--

All right, turn
to page 46, chapter 8.

Just read from there.

- Hello.
- Hello. Is that Ms. Morris?

- Yep, it is.
- Oh, great.

I thought I'd got
the wrong number there.

I'm calling
because Dr. Harris

did some tests
with you the other day.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

There was an error
in the results.

It turns out the chances
of chromosomal abnormality

aren't 1 in 50,
as you were told.

- Oh. Well--
- Mm.

Well, that's--
I mean, is that--

It's actually closer
to about 1 in 25.

Sorry about that.

I'm not sure
what happened there.

The doctor
suggested you pop in

and chat about the option
of amniocentesis.

He can recommend
an expert in the field.

Let us know, okay?
Sorry again.

- Bye, now.
- Bye, now.

Oh, shit. Sorry.

It's okay.
I've just been sick.

Just excuse me.

Is she drunk?

She was drunk at the Christmas
concert last year.

Ahem.

Mr. Norris isn't joining us?

No.

Now, it takes a week
to get the test results.

You also have to know that
the risk of miscarriage

just from getting
the test done does exist.

Ms. Morris?

Sorry. I was just, um,

I was just trying to work out

how I mentally cope
with the nightmare scenario

of having a needle stuck in
my belly into my baby's neck,

risking miscarriage.

I don't--

I mean, can you say
something to help?

You will have
a much clearer picture

of your prospects

with the amnio.

Great.

Thanks.

Um...

so I mean,
was there anything else?

Is Mummy here?

Mummy?

Jesus, get in here.
You're a mess.

Was Dad okay after we left?

Ah, he'll warm to it.

His heart did go out of
rhythm, though, afterwards.

He had to take one
of his pills and lie down.

Oh, please.

His heart went out of rhythm

because his only daughter
is getting married?

- And pregnant.
- Yeah, with a baby,

not a wombat.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Where have you come from?

I was at the doctor.

Why?

Well, because
I'm pregnant.

You know,
you go to the doctor
when you're pregnant

so they can tell you
if everything's okay,

you know,
if there's any issues.

You couldn't find out any
of that stuff in my day.

In my day
you had two choices:

you either liked what you had,
or you didn't like it

and you buried it
behind the old oak tree.

- God forgive me.
- Mum!

Oh, God, no.
I didn't.

Just-- Well,
that's the way it was.

But everything's all right,
though, with you and the baby?

Oh, no! You knock-kneed
fuckin' idiot!

Des! Mind your heart!

Yes, yes.

Couldn't be better.

Ah, that's great.

First,

I want to really,
unreservedly apologize

for the way I behaved
when we came to dinner.

That's okay.

I probably shouldn't have
got quite so riled up.

Well, maybe a little bit
when you were shouting

about shoving blueberries
up arseholes.

Was it blueberries?
I thought I said walnuts.

Well, that's neither
here nor there.

No, no, I--

So how's Jeffrey?

Jeffrey's great.

He's about to make
his West End debut

with Alan Rickman.
Lovely man.

Do you know,
he's nearly 70.

Still very muscular, though.

Anyway, Rob,

I'm sure you're aware

that Chris and I
have had our little...

internal disagreements.

He's a very tricky man.

- Yeah, but he's--
- Very tricky.

Mm-hmm.

And he shouldn't have
kept you for his secret.

because that makes me
look like I'm...

like...

It's really hard
being married.

Sometimes
I just want to scream.

Maybe you should.

I mean,
kids scream all the time,

and then they're happy
the rest of the time.

And adults,

we try to just keep
everything stuffed in a box

that explodes every once
in a while and hurts people.

Yeah.

Well, Mister.

I really miss Sharon.

And you're not so bad
yourself.

We'd love to give it
another go with you guys.

Well, we could
get together and scream,

just not at each other
this time.

Funny.

You're funny.

Oh, Rob.

Mm. Mm!

This is-- No, we-- Chris.

- What--
- I was just--

I'm sorry.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- There's something--
- I've been to the doctor

without telling you

because, um, they rang

and said that chances are
higher than they thought.

Sorry.

And sorry I haven't been
talking to you.

That's okay.

It's because I can't.

I mean there's parts
of my heart and my brain

that I can't even
visit right now.

But I want to know.

I mean,
I don't know what I'll--

what we will do
when we find out

because I can't even--

All I know is I need to know.

At least
we can see him quickly,

since there's, like, eight
people in the country

- who can afford him.
- They say he's the best.

He says he's the best.
So arrogant.

He looks like Elton John
on his website.

Or like
if Elton John had a baby
and Kanye West raised it.

He's the Kanye West
of Amniocentesis.

Are you okay?

What a smug fucker.

Smugger than a doctor
and an architect combined.

Can't believe he referred
to himself as "Magic Fingers."

I want to be like that.

I want to be
a confident clown.

God, he smelled good,
too, didn't he?

Oh, yeah.

What was that?

That fucking needle, though.

Sorry I sent you
out of the room.

I would've let you stay
if you weren't audibly crying,

you know, if there hadn't
been a noise component.

I cannot believe
it didn't hurt.

It didn't.

I'll see that needle
in my nightmares

until the day I die,
but it didn't hurt.

You're going to be
a champ giving birth.

You'll just yawn,
and it'll fall right out.

Because of my roomy vagina?

Hey, I mean, it's like
a cozy little room,

like a laundry room,
not like a meeting hall.

- Hi.
- Hey.

How are you?

Come in. Come in.

Is Rob home?

No. No, don't worry.
I know all about it.

Oh. Okay.

What did he say?

Just that he was sorry

and, you know,
it must seem weird.

Silly.

I'm just glad
it's all out in the open.

Oh.

You're very kind.

It was just one kiss.

Sorry. What?

I think Rob and I both
regret what happened.

Rob and I kissed.

It was just
a moment's nothing.

It was just--

I'm very sorry.

Ohh.

I had a visitor today.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Fran came to see me.

Oh, well--

Did you sleep with Fran?

Oh, my God, no.

Is that what you--

No, no, no, no, no, no.
She kissed me.

She practically
ate a piece of my gum.

The reason that I
didn't say anything

is because I didn't
want to embarrass her.

You gotta believe me.

I don't know
what to believe, Rob.

This has totally backfired.
I was only trying to--

Of course I believe you.

You son of a bitch!

Your face.

Oh,
you're on your knees.

Oh, that's so good.

I might have got a bit
carried away, though.

I asked them to be godparents.

At least they've got
money if we die.

Hello.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Thank you very much.

You okay, Miss?

Yeah, I'm great.

You can't lie there.

I'm just waiting
for my fiancé.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Uh, the hospital just called.

So it's all okay.

I'll see you
in a few months.

All right, love.

Now don't forget to eat.

- Bye, Dad.
- Goodbye, dear.

- Listen, just--
- Oh, no, don't be silly.

No, no, no. For the baby.

Bye.

For fuck's sake.

Sorry.

She's gorgeous.

She is, isn't she?

♪ Ah, but I may as well

♪ Try and catch the wind

♪ When rain has hung
the leaves with tears ♪

♪ I want you near

♪ To kill my fears

♪ To help me to leave
all my blues behind ♪

♪ For standing in your heart

♪ Is where I want to be...