All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S01E03.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

- Are you working here?
- Yes.

I work for a U.S.
advertising firm,

and I'm opening
a London office.

This is Fran.
She's an old pal.

Great to meet you, Rob.

My guru Allan,

he cured himself
of prostate cancer

last year with walnuts.

What did he do,
jam them up his asshole?

- I think you should leave!
- I have cancer.

Hey.

Hey, you awake?

Uh-uh.

Can I talk to you?

Okay.

Can you open your eyes?

Listen, I know it's hard
when you can't sleep,

but I was asleep, and
don't you think it's good
if one of us sleeps?

No. I think it's good
if you make me feel better

and then both of us sleep.

I don't agree,
but okay.

I keep getting very horny
and very depressed

at the exact same moment.
It's awful.

That sounds like hormones.

What if something happens
to the baby?

Nothing's going to
happen to the baby.

What if he has
a weird-shaped head?

What if he needs to wear
one of those special helmets?

You should be thankful
they even do helmets now.

In the old days, if your
baby had a weird-shaped head,

he just grew into a man
with a weird-shaped head.

What if you die?

I had a full checkup right
before I came over here.

Do you have life insurance?

No, but I'll get some.

We'll get you
life insurance, too.

Okay.

Not too big a policy
for me, though.

I don't want you to murder me
to get the money.

I'm not
going to murder you.

And when women get murdered,

it's 85% of the time
their husband that did it.

They'd totally know
it was me.

Even if I wanted to kill
you, I wouldn't kill you

or have you killed.

I won't kill you, either.

Thanks, honey.

I keep getting
this recurring vision

that I'm in a restaurant
and I have to go to the loo

but I take the wrong turn
and I walk into the kitchen

where an Italian chef
is talking and gesticulating

and the knife he's holding
stops me and the baby...

you know, because Italian
people talk with their hands.

Anything else?

Yes.

The world is a toilet.

You know, we might not
kill each other.

but that doesn't mean
terrorists won't

or that your government won't
start another war tomorrow

just fucking because.

Well, you can't worry
about everything.

I mean,
there's just too much.

You know, there's Ebola
and global warming--

Well, I'm worrying
about all that, too.

Well, we'll be fine,

but you know who global
warming will kill

in our lifetime?

Bangladeshis.

Just millions
of Bangladeshis.

And who gives a shit
about them?

I mean, why
can't there be, like,

an airborne gout that
just kills rich people?

I'd like to wake up
to news

that Monaco
had been wiped out

by an avalanche
of poorly built palaces.

I think we're getting
a little bit off--

And do you know
what percentage

of greenhouse gases
Bangladesh produces?

- No.
- Roughly zero, okay?

But Bangladesh is being
eaten by the ocean

while we drive
Range Rovers to the mall

to buy underpants
that were stitched

by a 7-year-old
who literally in 2015

is an indentured servant.

Let's just say slave, okay?

Because their life
is shit in a ditch.

It's not even shit
in a toilet.

Yeah, well,
it won't get fixed

by some whining idiot
lying in bed

lecturing a pregnant woman,
will it?

Night-night.

Yeah, sleep tight, asshole.

Hello. This Rob?

Hey, Tony. How you doing?

Okay. So how's things
in London town?

Really great.
Really working out.

Are Greg and Mark joining us?

Yeah, I'm here.

I had to sneak off for a call
with the Crocs guys.

Sounds to me like they're having
trouble maintaining Europe,

and I'm like,
"Baby, that's because

"European people
aren't exclusively fat idiots

who wear Day-Glo
rubber clogs," you know?

They have fat idiots
here.

Less, though, right?

Yeah, in general. Yeah, Rob,

got a bit
of an echo there.

Could you move closer
to the speaker phone?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Is Greg
going to join us?

Uh, no, he isn't.

Listen, Rob,
you sitting down?

Yes.

Greg had a stroke
Friday night,

a pretty bad one, man.

- He's in a coma.
- Oh, my God.

Is Ellen okay?

Not really.

It's pretty fucked up.

Christ.

Just so awful.

Listen, I hate to shift
gears so abruptly,

but can we get an update

on what's shaking out
over there?

It would be great
to get a clearer idea

of what you've been doing.

You're making inroads.

Oh, yeah, inroads, a lot.

I mean, there's Jeff's Cola,

which it looks like
the supermarket chain Lidl

are very keen to get behind.

So that's Jeff's.

Uh, I'm just opening
a spreadsheet.

Last week I met with, um...

uh, Hanley's.

They- They make pants for

women who cook a lot.

Chef women.

They make women's
chef's pants.

Oh. So what kind
of budget they got?

It's such a great product

that, really,
the sky's the limit.

Man, Greg.

Yeah. Just awful.

Let's circle back next week.

I know Greg
hated conference calls.

Just want to make sure
that you don't forget about us

and become a beef sweeper.

Do you mean a Beefeater?

Yeah. Take it easy, buddy.

Okay. Thanks. Bye.

Yeah. Bye.

How was your
conference call?

It was tough. One of
the partners had a stroke.

They still made him
do the call?

Good one.
Good stroke joke.

Well, I still have a job,
which is a minor miracle.

They sort of implied
I need to up my game

if I want them to keep
funding my London
office, though.

Don't you own
part of the company?

That's what you told me
the first night you met me,

unless you were lying
to get into my knickers.

I own 2 1/2% of it,
so not lying.

And I seem to recall you
saying you had a Ph.D.

Well, I-- I almost
had half of one.

And that you're
a published writer.

Anyway, up your game,
like the guy said.

Smarten up your act.
You know,

maybe buy a suit
with normal-length arms.

You're in London now.

Do you think Clive Owen
would wear that?

I don't know.
Would Kate Winslet wear

a boy's yellow tweed
fucking smoking jacket?

I mean, what is that?

That looks okay.

Do you see the one
on the mannequin over there?

- Yes.
- That little one like that?

- Yes.
- It doesn't match

with that tie thing
that's over there.

- Have you got any gray shirts?
- No gray.

Why have you not got any gray?
What is wrong?

Really, do you think so?

See, I think
it's a neutral palette.

Whoa! I'm sorry.

Well, fuck me.

Hey, Chris.

Look, I'll step out, and--

Don't be daft.
Fran's out there.

I know.
That's why I ran in here.

You scared
of my sweet little bride?

No. I-- I just--

Oh, there's no shame in it.

Well, for you.

So...

how are things treating you?
You settling in okay?

Yeah. Work is tough.

I don't know anybody
except for Sharon

and this one guy Dave.

We should go for a drink
some time,

catch a movie.

I don't want you
to be lonely.

Yeah. Okay. Sure.

Um, hey, what about Fran?

Would Fran
be okay with that?

No, she can't stand you.

She hasn't been able to enjoy
an episode of Mad Men

since that night because
you remind her of Harry.

Harry? Are you sure
she said Harry?

I mean, didn't she mean Don--

How are those trousers, love?

Yeah, they're a little bit
short, sweetheart.

Would you mind just
grabbing me one size up?

- Okay.
- Thanks.

Call me.

- No word to the wives.
- Oh, shit, no.

Take a left out of here,
two rights.

Then you'll be in lingerie.
You'll be safe there.

Go now. Go.

Get out of here.

You get out of here.

I don't believe it.

How are you?

I'm great, thanks.
How are you?

Fine.

I mean, I'm in shock
right now, but good.

Yeah.

What are you doing
in my bookstore?

What, you bought Archie's?

No.

- It's just nuts.
- Uh-huh.

What's new with you?
Are you still doing your Ph.D.?

- No.
- Oh.

Nothing's new with me.

What's new with you?

A lot. Yeah.
I mean, four years.

A lot can--

Listen, I'm late to meet
a person for lunch.

You're having lunch
with a person?

Yeah. But would you let me

buy you a cup of coffee
some time?

I don't drink coffee anymore.

Oh. Okay. Um, maybe we could
get something to eat.

Do you eat food anymore?

All the time. Every meal.

Well, great. Then we can
really catch up.

- Yeah.
- I'll call you tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Great. Great.

- Oh.
- Ha.

- Yeah.
- Okay, then.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Oh, shit.

Sharon!

Fran.

Hi. I-- I didn't--

- How are you?
- Very well, thank you.

Oh, I haven't seen you
since the--

Oh, well, you know,
water under the bridge now.

- Is it?
- It is.

Oh. Well, you look great
with the--

I hope I do.

I just spent a minor fortune

on a three-week rejuvenation
retreat in Turks and Caicos.

Really?

How are things with you?

Oh. Fine. You know, still
riddled with pre-cancer,

but the doctor says
I'm probably just going
to blow it all out

during the trauma
of childbirth, so that's--

that's a turn-up
for the books.

Yeah.

Uh, how's old Jeffrey?

Jeffrey? Oh,
Jeffrey's wonderful.

Aw.

He started in a new
series for ITV1.

It's an adaptation of
the Knights of Dorianbooks.

Oh, God.

Sorry?

Oh. Sorry. No, I'm--
That's great.

I just, uh,
I hate those books.

They're so shit,
aren't they?

No. No. I do not think
they are shit.

Well, I'm not saying
the series will--
will be shit.

I just-- just the books.

And Chris, how's he?

Chris is great.

I just bumped into Fran.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You didn't see her?

No. Wow.

Did you
get your new image?

I did.
Did you get your book?

Yep. Shall we skedaddle?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Ugh.

Wizards of fucking yore.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hi.

Mm.

You okay?

Yeah. I just heard a lot
of no thank yous today.

But they're so polite,
you think you're hearing yeses

until you replay it
in your mind.

And you know what?
It's fucking rude
to be that polite.

- Do you want a tea?
- Yeah, sure.

How was school?

Kept getting
that weird feeling

like I might cry or come.

I had to go to the bathroom
and have a, you know,

have a wank by myself.

It was awful. I mean,
it was horrible.

Do you want
to talk about it?

I don't know.
I can't work out

whether it's hormonal
or-- or mental.

No, I mean,

do you want to tell me
how you masturbated?

Like,
did you use both hands?

Are you 14?

Hey. Do you still
have that feeling?

Yeah, but, I mean,
it's always there a bit.

Well, the good news
is right before
I came into the flat,

this woman was bending over
to pick up her garbage cans,

and I saw both her
complete full breasts,

so if you hadn't been home,

I was going
to have to jerk off.
But since you are--

You know what? It's passed.

Oh, it's Dave, that prick.

Oh.

I'm just going to--

Sure, Johnny One Mate.

Yeah, I don't envy you

having to build a book of
business in a new country.

It's a nightmare.

Why don't you use this
as an opportunity

to start over?

Fuck advertising.
It's for ball bags.

What do you really
want to do?

What's your passion?

I-- I don't know that I--

Come on. Dream job.

I love big animals.

Big animal lover.
What does that pay?

No, no. I mean, I wanted
to be a large animal vet

when I was younger.
I started school to do that,

but then
my cousin Brian started
working for an ad company.

Pretty soon
he had a Ferrari,

and he was dating
a figure skater.

Listen, do it.
Be a large animal vet.

- Go for it.
- Yeah?

Absolutely. Seize the day.

Right. What are we seeing?

Oh, so I got us tickets
for, uh,

The Emancipation
of Flyburton Crisp.

What?

It's the new Wes Anderson.

No.

No?

Just no?

Just no. What else?

Well, we could see
that Adam Sandler movie.

It starts at 8:10.

Let's go.

And a pack of Biros.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Yes?

Could you just

keep it down
on-- on the keyboard?

Sorry?

It's just you're
banging away there

like bash, bash, bash, bash,

like you're self-harming
your fingers or something.

I can't hear myself think.

Jesus.

Hey. Can I ask you something?

Would it really matter

if I couldn't make
the business work here?

- Yeah.
- I mean, it's--

Well, hang on.

And instead I went back
and finished my degree

and got into veterinary school

and then hopefully
in a couple of years

got a junior position,
you know, at a zoo?

- Yeah.
- Yeah what?

Yeah, it would matter.

Well, I guess it's back to
women chef's pants tomorrow.

Aw, poor you.

Are you realizing
how shit it is

being an adult with
responsibilities?

All your dreams just--
"Oh, no, my dreams!"

You know, you say
a lot of shit to me,

and I let you
because you're pregnant,

but just so you know,
after you have that baby,

I'm going be a fucking
asshole to you.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Dave wants to take me
to the launch

of a new restaurant
his friend's opening.

When?

Tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?
Sure.

Hey!

You look great.

So do you.

You haven't aged.

What, since Saturday?

Well, no, since we--
you know.

It's horrible.
You look the same,

and now I'm just this
middle-aged-looking person.

Uh, can I-- Is there--
Where's the loo?

Um, it's-- I think--

Fine. I'll--

If you'd told me I'd be
sitting opposite you,

- having a friendly--
- I know.

It's good, though.

Yeah, I mean, when you
dumped me, I was like, "Oh!"

Aw.

But then you
realized your mistake
and wanted to get back,

but I was already with--

Oh.

I think I was drunk.

Drunk for three months?

Ha.

But it's so great to see you.

What's going on?

Just all sorts.

You know, nothing.

It's complicated. You?

Well, I'm still with Gina.

Really?

Yeah.
She's pregnant, actually.

Wow.
I'm pregnant too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Wow.

- You didn't say.
- Well, I just-- I forgot.

Uh, I'm pregnant.

Four months,
by my fiancé Rob.

He's a successful
American. 6'4".

- You're still drinking?
- It's fine.

The new thing
is it's okay to drink.

A bit.

French women do it,
and look at them.

Mm, Gina said that she read

that even a sip of alcohol
could be potentially harmful.

Gina obviously doesn't know
the pregnant wine score.

Mm.

I can't believe you're
still with Gina Randolph.

I mean, no one thought
that would last.

She was always
just so much more--

just everything--
than you-- successful.

Just better.

Well, I'll take that
as a compliment.

Are you sure
you're still with her?

Yeah. We're solid.

She's due in February,

same month
the new book's out.

Is it another of the...

- Knights of Dorian?
- Yeah.

Oh, the ones for kids?

For young adults.

I still write.

Well, good.

You were always funny.

Argh!

I had a really good
time tonight.

You don't say that to a man
unless you want to kiss him.

Do you want to kiss me now?

No, I do not.

Great. I'm off.

Hey, man, can I
ask you a question?

When Fran was pregnant,
did she ever sort of rocket

between being really
horny and really sad?

No, Fran would get horny
and hungry at the same time.

One night she made me fuck her
in her parents' kitchen,

and I'm not shitting you here,

she finished off a plate of
stew while I was inside her.

Wow.

Game of squash next week?

Sure.

Wear those little shorts
I like.

You have aged, badly.

Hey. You okay?

What's up?

What have I done
with my life?

- What have I achieved?
- You've achieved plenty.

Why am even I asking you?
You barely know me.

- Well--
- I haven't achieved shit.

And now I'm going to be
a mother,

it'll be
even less than shit.
It'll be minus shit.

My son will be
embarrassed at me.

What's that?

It's just--
It's just writing.

I used to write.

I had a letter published
in The Timesonce.

Then someone wrote a letter
about my letter the next week.

It was that good.

That's great, honey.

May I take a look?

No.

- Come on.
- No!

Get off! No, get off!

Just get--

You're really funny.

This is good.

Not as good as Gina
"Elf Fucker" Randolph, though.

The Knights of Dorianlady?

Who gives a shit about her?

Just a few million
zitty teenagers.

What about all the zitty
teenagers who love you?

What about the letters on
the fridge from your students?

They're insane about you.

I almost cried
reading some of these.

When you go to work

and you prod some
snot-faced little kid

into using his imagination

or show them he can use a book

to escape his shitty life
instead of meth,

that's massive.

We don't
really have meth here.

You will one day,

and your students won't do it

because you inspired them

to become archaeologists
or brain surgeons.

Well, not that one.

I mean, he's a nice lad,
but I won't go into it.

You're so nice to me.

And I was so mean about
your zookeeper dream.

I went to dinner with my
ex-boyfriend tonight.

Oh? Why?
Do you still like him?

Oh. No, he's awful.

I-- I wanted him
to still like me, though.

Isn't that sad?

No, I get it.

I have a Facebook account.

Listen,
I was with Chris tonight,

not Dave.

I've been
on two dates with him.

I'm sorry.
We kept it secret

because he didn't want
Fran to find out.

Like I'm gonna
leap on the phone

and call that cow?

I'm glad I was mean to you
about your zoo dream.

You're an idiot.

You're right.

Oh.

Do you feel that?

Is he kicking?

No, he just did a little fart.

And you can feel that?

Oh. Oh!

- I'm sorry.
- Ohh!

It was the baby.
No, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

What if there's a 9/11
at my school?

Why would there be
a 9/11 at your school?

I don't know.
Will you have sex with me?

- Well, why don't we just--
- No, I want to.

- I need it.
- But you're crying.

It's fine.

I don't want to have sex
with a crying woman.

Really?

No, I'll do it,
but get it together.

What if my womb prolapses
after the birth

and I can't wear
leggings anymore?

We'll get you
special leggings.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay.

What if my bladder bursts

and every time
I need to go for a wee,

it just comes pouring out me
like a broken fountain

wherever I go?

Adult diapers?

Adult diapers.

Okay. Adult diapers.

It's gone soft.

Mm-hmm.

Do you want
to watch a Homeland?

Sure.