All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S01E02.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Seriously, you're gonna
have to go faster.

- I'm pregnant.
- Did you just say pregnant?

Hi.

You've got what's called
cervical dysplasia.

- What the hell is that?
- It's what we call a pre-cancer.

- Cancer!
- I think you should marry me.

What?

Oh, God! Hurry up!

I'm not gonna come!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Do you wanna go for a walk?
- Sure. Where do you wanna go?

No, I mean,
do you wanna go for a walk?

Oh, you mean on my own?

Yeah.
I don't want to be mean.

I just need some space,
and you take up a lot of space.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

You're the second biggest thing
in this flat after the bed.

You're bigger
than the wardrobe.

That's because
your wardrobe is a joke.

It's not a joke.
It's roomy and practical.

If it's so roomy, then why are my clothes
still in my suitcase.

It's roomy for my stuff.

You let me put my penis
in your mouth,

but you won't let me put
my t-shirts in your drawer?

Please don't rush me, Rob.

Okay. How long do you
want me to go out for?

Just, you know, You decide. Just.

Couple of hours
or half a day. Not long.

So I'll just go get
some coffee.

Yeah, but don't just get
a coffee and come back.

Maybe go and see a movie.

- It's 8:30 in the morning.
- I don't know.

Just improvise.
There's a whole world out there.

Okay.
I'll get some groceries.

- Yeah.
- Um,

You're out of mint tea and those
weird raw food bars that you like.

- So, I'll just head out then.
- Take your time.

Get out of the way,
fucking idiot.

Jesus!

- What are you looking at?
- A dog's shitting asshole?

- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, baby, how you doing?

What time is it there?
Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, it's 4 a.m.,
and I couldn't sleep, so--

I finally looked up
this thing on the Internet,

and you do not have
to stay there.

It's a different country.

They can't extradite you for
failure to pay child support.

It's not like
it's a war crime.

It's just a foreign baby.

It's not a foreign baby.
It's my baby.

Your grandson.
I'm a dad, so I can,

at the very least,
give it a shot.

- Your father didn't.
- Jesus, Mom.

What does that have to do with--

Mom, I gotta go.
It's a guy I was trying to call.

- I'll call you back.
- Rob!

That fucker hung up on me.

- Hey, Dave,
- Rob!

You pants-shitting homo!

What's happening?
You live here now?

Yeah, for the time being.

- Is it for work?
- Well, it was at first,

but I wound up
getting a girl pregnant.

Whoa, you mean, like, underage?

- No.
- You said girl.

I meant an adult woman,
a teacher.

Oh, God,
that fucking sucks, dude.

Not really.

You need a job?
You need money?

No, I have a job.

I'm calling 'cause
I don't know anybody here.

Shit, man!
Let's get together.

Your situation sounds
fucking awful.

I'd love to hear
more about it.

Well, Great.
Can I come over now?

No. I gotta go to the Ukraine
for business from a couple of days.

Let's do something
when I get back.

Hey! You like the ballet?

- Yeah, sure.
- Fag!

I'll call you
when I'm back from Odessa.

Oh, God.

- I know I was only gone an hour--
- 50 minutes.

...but I bought you
one of these.

It's bread, but it's all wrapped up
like a present, and it only cost 17.50.

I love it.

And...

- Ta-da!
- Oh, that's so sweet.

I know, I'm selfless.

- What are you doing?
- I'm just being dainty.

- You're squashing me.
- Really? How? I'm just a sprite.

Really, seriously,
you're hurting my arm.

- Just get off.
- Okay, sorry.

In fact, it was such
a long and brutal war

that some people
even resorted

to digging up bodies
and eating them

just to stay alive.

Oh, you think that's funny? Well, let's
hope you never have to choose between

digging up your grandmother
and making a sandwich out for her

or starving to death, Jason.

I think it's amazing
what you're doing.

- What am I doing?
- You're just like,

"Fuck it. I'm single,
"I'm getting old,

and I'm just going
to have this baby,

because I'm the boss
of my life."

I'm not doing it on my own. Rob asked
me to marry him, so I'm going to do that.

I thought it was just
a one-night thing?

It was six nights.
He was a six-night thing.

Why do you want to get married?

Because I'm pregnant.

If I got married
every time I got pregnant--

Do you know what I mean?

- It's not the 1930s.
- No, it's the 2000s.

There's like 300 wars
happening around the globe.

I might like someone
to shovel a path for me

and my baby
in the nuclear winter.

Well, just don't rush
into it.

Have you seen
the new deputy head?

Tell me you don't want
to squat on his face?

If you're married,
you won't be able to do that.

Yeah, I will.
It'll just be harder.

Show us the ring, then.

Do you like it?
I don't have one.

That was my friend.

That was just my friend Dave texting
to invite me over tonight.

Oh, you don't have
any friends.

I've changed. I have friends now.
I'm putting down roots.

Who knows, your brother and I
might hit it off and be friends, too.

We might be better than friends.
Be more like brothers.

Well, that would make you
my brother.

Hey, love doesn't
follow rules.

Ha! I don't love you.

- Are you going to keep it?
- Oh, I don't know?

- Are you going to keep yours?
- I've already invested in them.

They've got braces and stuff now.
They're worth money.

I hate to break it to you,
"Mr. Three Kids Before You're 30,"

but they're a little bit harder
to make when you're old.

Older. You know,
I can't just rip it out

and plant another one back up
there when the time's right.

Well look, I'm just bowled over by your
whole new life here with Ron.

- It's Rob.
- Oh, sorry.

But I just want you to know,
if anything goes wrong

and you do succumb
to the cancer,

your son will have
a home here.

Millandra and I will raise him.

- You're having a boy?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you are having a boy!
That's great!

We'll absolutely raise him,
in that case.

- Well, don't get too excited.
- He's just winding you up.

- So, Rob, are you working here?
- Yes.

I work for
a U.S. advertising firm,

and I'm opening
a London office.

A lot of our clients want
an agency that has a presence

in both the U.S. and Europe.

Right. Right.
Who are your clients?

Well, you know,
it's not sexy stuff.

You might not know them
by name,

but we have a giant farm
equipment company.

Who else have you got?

Well, I've just started working with
a company called Jeff's Cola.

Oh, Jeff's Cola.
Fuck, Sharon.

I think you might be in trouble here,
it sounds like he's making this shit up.

I know,
it's a funny name but--

I'm just taking the piss.
So, Rob, you got my sister pregnant.

A lot of people get married
in that situation.

- What are you thinking?
- We are getting married.

Well, we're not.

We are getting married,
because I asked Sharon to marry me.

Yeah, but not really.

You know, it was more
sort of jokey, you know, and a bit--

Anyway. Whatever.

Don't tell Mum and Dad
about any of this.

Are you joking?
This would kill them both.

One funeral at a time here.
Huh?

- That was for these.
- Congratulations.

Why did you deny we were getting
married back there?

- I didn't really, did I?
- You did.

- You denied it repeatedly.
- I don't know.

- I'm embarrassed.
- By me?

No. Not by you, by me.

By my situation.
There's just no dignity to it.

It's like if a normal
courtship's a dance,

then ours is like
a heart attack

or a seizure or something.

Our story sounds like a letter some sad
sack wrote in to "Chat" magazine.

- I don't know what that is.
- It's a shit rag that idiots,

and sometimes me,
read so they can say,

"Well, thank fuck that
isn't happening to me."

Well, I get it.
It's just that

when I asked you to marry me,
you said yes.

I said fine,
and there was no ring.

- I'll get you a ring.
- I don't need a--

I'm just worried
that we're doing this

because of the pregnancy
and the visas

and the not-cancer,
and that's it.

I mean,
if you had any friends,

they would be advising you
not to jump into it like this.

I know mine have. Seriously,
has no-one told you just to slow it down?

OK, well, let's slow it down.
We'll add some dignity to this.

Let's go to dinner Friday night.

We can go to a nice restaurant
and then go have sex in a park.

Does that sound nice?

And if one of us brings up pregnancy
or visas or pre-cancer or anything,

then the other one can punch
them in the face across the table.

Okay.

Did you like my brother?

- Did I like him?
- Yeah.

No.

Rob Norris,
you're unreal, man.

You're like an American
sex wolf in London.

You come over here, you fuck all the
women, you get them pregnant.

- It's just one woman.
- Yeah, for now it is.

You'll strike again.
You'd better watch this one, honey.

He'll get you pregnant just by
looking at you with his dick!

What's the matter with you?

You hungry? You want some
ice cream, some cookies?

- No, thanks, I--
- Svetsana, would you get

some of those cookies
I made before?

You're going to love these, man.
They're gluten-free.

You'll think you'll taste gluten
but there isn't any.

- Wow!
- Now, have you thought about--

Killing Sharon?
You know, I thought about it--

No, I mean,
getting rid of the--

Yeah, no, we're not going
to do that.

Actually,
we're getting married.

Wow! Have you asked her yet?

Well, yeah, I asked her, but I've got
to do it again, 'cause-- Thank you.

The first time was
kind of seat of the pants

and I didn't have a ring,
so--

Whoa! She's making you
propose twice?

- No, she's not making me. I want to.
- No, you don't.

Listen, after you leave,
I'm going to fuck her,

and then she's going
to leave.

- And that's pretty great!
- That is great for you.

For me,
a different thing is great.

Okay, well, suit yourself.

But listen,
if that's what you want to do,

then at least don't waste
any money on the wedding.

You know, my outfit, we helped
to refinance Euro Disney.

I can get your honeymoon
there for free.

She'll shit!
You said she's Irish?

She'll think she's
in fucking heaven.

Oh, God, am I late?
I thought--

No, no, I'm early.
I thought if I got here early,

they'd see that
I'm the kind of woman

who doesn't deserve pre-cancer.

- That makes sense.
- Yeah.

Okay, so--

I see you have
cervical dysplasia.

Well, we were hoping to get
a second opinion on that,

- because I've heard--
- No, I'm sure you have it.

Uh, aren't you going
to have a look?

We will look, but that doesn't
really get misdiagnosed.

You have it or you don't.
It's not like ADHD or fibromyalgia,

which are kind of, like,
up to you if have them or not.

No, it's a real-deal thing.

- Fibromyalgia isn't real?
- Rob!

The other doctor said that
I could have the procedure now

and jeopardize the pregnancy, or I
could wait and have it after I deliver.

OK, well, then,
I'm glad you did come in, then,

because here's some good news.
The trauma of vaginal birth

can just blow all the cancer out
as the baby and stuff comes out.

- Baby and stuff?
- Oh, yes.

Yeah, all kinds
of stuff comes out.

You're lucky, it's just the one baby
and some bad cells.

Could be triplets
No, thanks, right?

The birth process does take
a proper scrubbing brush to the old cervix

and can just remove
all the creepy-crawlies,

the dysplasia,
making surgery unnecessary.

Wow.

Okay.

So, I would strongly recommend
against the surgery,

since, you know,
it could induce labor.

And we really do not
want that, do we?

No.

Okay, I mean,
how does that all sound?

Is that, you know,
second-opiniony enough for you?

I'm not smoking it.

Fucking 250 quid that cost!

Well, I mean, he did say he
doesn't recommend surgery.

Yeah, he also said, "Think of it like a
specter hanging over your pregnancy."

What is that? The fucking occult?
Like "Rosemary's Baby"?

No, he just meant, like,
a black cloud or something,

you know, out of a cauldron.

Christ, what a mess.

What a messy mess.

Yeah, it is.

You know,
I think someone should say--

and it's going to be me--

You don't have to do this.

You know, you've been really
kind just coming over here

and helping out,
and I really appreciate it,

but it's not the 1930s,
you know?

I can do this on my own.

I don't get the sense
that you can.

Or, you know what,
you probably could.

Women raise kids
on their own all the time.

But what about when you want to
take a shit or get a haircut?

And independent of that, can
you, for a second, accept the fact

that I like you and want to be
with you, you fucking idiot?

Well, thank fuck for that,
because I really can't do this on my own.

I really can't! I can tell you now,
I cannot do this.

Plus, we're going
to do our date.

You're goddamn right we are.

Okay, well,
text me the details.

Going to go and teach
some kids about the plague.

- What are you doing?
- Same.

Please, don't embarrass
either of us

by asking for permission
to marry my sister.

Okay, I just wanted to let you
know that I'm serious about this,

and it's not just because
I got her pregnant.

I'm not blind, man. I saw the way
you were looking at her.

You're fucked.

- Your cappuccino.
- Oh, thank you.

Why are you having a cappuccino
in a jewelry shop?

Well, I think because
I'm potentially about

to spend a bit of dough here.
They're trying to butter me up.

This was the last one
we were looking at.

- Yes, I think this is the one.
- It's a beautiful ring.

If you'd like to follow me,
Mr. Norris.

Marie will bring
your cappuccino.

How much is
that fucking thing?

It's 2,000 pounds almost.

It's a lot, but I want to do this.

- May I get you a glass of wine?
- No, you may not.

Looking at countries,
cities, population--

Anyone that comes up with flags
gets an extra point.

Hi, yeah, there's going to be
a fire drill in ten minutes.

Okay. Are you okay?

Yeah. No, I just--
I was just thinking

about what you said
the other day,

and I can't do this
on my own.

- I do need a man.
- Can we maybe just--

And that doesn't mean
I'm not a feminist.

I just need a person
to help me,

and the person who wants
to help me happens to be a man.

- Fine.
- I don't care if it's the 2000s.

I got home last night
and he'd made me a frittata.

- Do you know what that is?
- Mm-hmm.

It's an eggs thing.
It was extremely tasty,

and if that's the kind
of behavior I can expect,

then I definitely want him
around, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay, I'll let you get on.

Any weekend plans?

Well, aside from asking
my fiancée

to marry me again,
I don't know.

You know,
we might go to the park.

We were thinking
we might--

Wait--
What does that say?

Well, it says 25,000 pounds.

Okay.

Is that tax or--
What's going on?

- The ring is 25,000 pounds.
- No, no, no, no.

On the tag it said 1980,
which is less.

Marie, will you bring the ring from the
first drawer, the Jill Solomon band?

Any weekend plans?

The rings are so close
together in the case.

I'm not saying that
you tried to trick me or--

Okay, yeah,
I see the mistake.

This is a classier ring.

This is petiter,
this is more Sharon, don't you think?

I like the other ring,
but I don't know.

I mean, it's hard to say.
I mean, this is more vulgar.

I like the clarity
of the stones, right?

But this is--
You can see where this is.

You put them side by side,
it's not even a contest.

Yeah, this I'm going
to go with this one.

- Hey, Mom.
- Listen to me.

Susan Greenberg's husband,
Mitchell,

he's a custody lawyer,

and he says what you
absolutely cannot do

is marry this girl.

The U.K. and the U.S.,
they have this agreement,

which is called
"the reciprocal enforcement."

I can't hear you,
I'm going into a tunnel.

Oh, come on!
You're going to ruin your life!

Fucker.

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

- I'm sorry I'm late.
- Did you say sorry?

It's just I can't hear myself
fart in here.

My friend Dave said this was his
favorite place for an intimate dinner.

Really?
I never want to ever meet him.

There's a balcony where you can get
a 360-degree view of the city.

Sorry, sorry, can you just--

- What?
- You just spilt my wine.

- You want another wine?
- No, no.

Just maybe mop it up
or say "oops" or smile at me?

I can't hear what you're saying.
Are you ready to order?

- Can I get a coke?
- These tables are for food.

Yep, and we're going
to eat food, after we have our drinks.

I should probably tell you
I also got her pregnant.

- That's why she's acting that way.
- Swedish whore.

She's just upset
because she's 6'8"

and a bunch of guys have already
tried to climb her tonight.

Good. I'm glad!

Your boobs look huge
in that dress!

If you'd had those
when we met,

I would have got you
double pregnant.

- Thank you.
- Listen, if I play my cards right

tonight, would you consider
smothering me with them?

Well, you know, it's not out
of the question, I suppose.

- We should head up to that balcony
- Bobby, baby!

Did I tell you this place
was the shit or what?

- What is what is that?
- That is Dave.

Hey, Dave, why are you here?

Well, I wanted
to meet this little

- English enchantress of yours.
- Irish.

Oh, sorry, British.
I'm just fucking with you.

Do you mind if we join you?
Have you tried the chili margaritas?

Let me get Anico.
Anico, come on!

And Rob had his shirt on, but no bottom
and no underpants,

and the girl who was
on his shoulders was naked.

Oh, this is before Rob decided
he had alcoholism when he was still fun.

I'm just going to go
to the bathroom.

So, Dave if you're gone
when I get back, nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you...
- Elithra.

That's fantastic.

She is something!
Can we have two more of these?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

- Oh, where are you going?
- I'll be right back.

- I'm going home.
- You can't go.

I wanted to show you
the view because--

No, I don't want
to go back in there.

I just want to go home.
Please, I'm sorry.

- Okay, let's get out of here.
- Yeah?

You know, he visibly had cocaine
around both his nostrils?

Where are we going?
I don't want to walk.

The Tube's back there!

Listen, I'm sorry that
tonight has turned to shit--

- What?
- ...but I wanted to--

Do you mind?

I wanted to propose
to you properly.

Oh, look, it's one
of those taxi guys!

- Fuck! Jesus Christ!
- What are you doing?

- Shut up!
- What?

I just need you to just
stand over there, quiet, for a moment.

- I'm sorry.
- Seriously, what are you doing?

Oh, thank Christ!
Are you fucking kidding me?

Hey, mental person, are we
getting in with this guy or--

- What is that?
- It's a ring.

It's an engagement ring.
I wanted to propose to you

properly at the restaurant
with a view,

a 360-degree view,
and then here by the river.

Then you knocked the ring
in the road like an animal

and then this woman
pissed on it.

You can ask me now.

- Well, I don't want to now.
- Okay. What about now?

Will you marry me?

Fine. Yes.

- No, don't do that. There's piss on it.
- Shit, I'm sorry.

Hang on, wait,
give us a look.

It's pretty.

Well, you know,
I narrowed it down to two,

but the other one was,
you know, was more vulgar, it was stupid.

This one's, you know,
it's petiter.

- Whoa! Let me wipe it off first.
- No, don't be silly.

It's just a bit of piss.

I love it!