All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S01E01.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Sorry.

Sorry.
Sorry.

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

Uh, I know it seems crowded,

but it only took me 40 minutes
to get my last drink.

Is that all?

Hey, let me get yours.

It'll make me feel better about
being in line for just a Coke.

You don't drink?

No, I quit a few years ago after I
shit my pants at my sister's wedding.

Okay.
Thank you. That'll be--

- No, I'll get it.
- No, it's fine.

Hey, don't make me fight
a stranger.

Okay.

I'll have a margarita.

I've never had casual sex
with a sober person before.

You've got a
really nice room.

Thank you.
I got upgraded.

Yeah?
Oh, shit.

Oh, God.

That was really
unnecessary.

- You don't have a hairy back.
- Neither do you.

I was all psyched up
to deal with a hairy back.

I have hairy balls.

Whoa.

Oh, what the fuck?

- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, shit!

I'm sorry.

Uh--

That was exciting.

Hi.

Hey.

I was just sneaking out.

Okay.

So, um,
when do you go back?

- Thursday.
- Well, that's--

Do you want to have dinner?

Um... do you
want to have dinner?

Yeah.
That's why I asked.

Okay. Um, do you have
a wife or anything?

- No.
- No.

Okay, well, I'll just--
I'll write down my number.

You know what, that's my work visa
so if you--

Doesn't matter.

Okay.

Great.

And I noticed that you took some things
from the bathroom,

and that's fine,

but could you leave
the toothpaste?

No, I didn't take any tooth--
Oh, shit, I did, yeah.

Sorry.

It's just small and cute.

Um, so you should probably
open a window

'cause it really
stinks in here. Okay?

Keep the change.

That dinner was
really nice.

The lamb was exceptional.

So, what time's
your flight?

7:30.

- 7:30.
- Yeah.

So, listen,
I wanted to say that

I know this wasn't anything serious and
it was just a bit of fun--

This wasn't serious?

No, when I say
it wasn't serious, I'm--

Goofin' you, bro.

Yeah. Okay.

Go on.
No, carry on.

You were saying this was
just a bit of fun.

I want you to know that I'm gonna look
back on my time with you,

and remember you as
an extraordinarily good smelling woman

with a magical ass,
and you're smart,

so you could even get away with
being less attractive,

and you'd still be
fairly attractive.

Fuck.

Wow. Okay. Um,

I'll remember you as
a sturdy love maker

with a massive chin,

who was really kind to
waiters and taxi drivers,

which suggests you might actually be
a good person.

What time is it?

It's 4:30.

Really, seriously,
you have to go faster.

So, I thought it was fine
if I asked you out

- because you're a temp.
- Right.

Um, if you worked with us
permanently,

this wouldn't be
appropriate,

but you're a temp so
we just won't hire you again.

Okay.
You're funny.

So, tell me something
about you.

Well, um, I'm doing my Master's
at Boston University in--

I'm sorry.
This is my mom.

She's calling me back 'cause I
called her 'cause it's her birthday.

Oh.

Hey, so great
to hear from you.

I'm sorry that
I haven't called,

but I have some good news.

I'm gonna be in London
in April.

I'm pregnant.

Did you just say pregnant?

Yeah, I said pregnant.
Do you want me to say it again?

Pregnant.

Well, how?

I don't understand.
I mean, h-how--

Well, I think it's because,
you know, we had sex

like 25 times in a week and
you wore a condom maybe twice.

- Twice of those times.
- Why did you let me do that?

I don't know, because--

I was drunk the first--

And even though I wasn't drunk most of
the other times,

there was a precedent there
that you just took complete advantage of.

What do you want to do?

I want to build a time machine
out of your fucking carcass,

and go back and make it
un-happen.

- Do you want me to come over sooner?
- No!

Yeah.
I don't know.

I just-- I don't know what you do when
you get pregnant by a stranger,

I don't know the etiquette.

I'm not a stranger.

I'm-- I'm a familiar
acquaintance.

A-- a friend who helped you
make a mistake,

but will now help you...

figure it out. Okay?

Is your mom okay?

Huh?

Oh.

No.

She's pregnant.

So, why don't you tell me
a little bit about you now.

Oh, shit.

Hi.

I wasn't sure
you'd recognize me.

It only says Rob because
I don't know your surname.

It's Norris.

It's-- it's Norris.

Mine's Morris.

Morris and Norris.

Well, at least that's
fuckin' ridiculous.

You just don't think that
stuff like this'll happen.

What, that repeated sexual intercourse
between two healthy adults

will do the exact thing
it's supposed to do?

Have you ever done
a science class?

Do you know how to read?

I'm sorry.
I-- I--

I'm not pregnant
and you are,

and it's because of me,

but if you're gonna have
this baby, then--

Who says I'm
gonna have it?

Well, how old are you?

Look, the good news is
is that we're reasonably good people,

so we could probably do this
and not fuck the kid up too horribly.

I'm just saying a terrible thing
has happened,

let's make the best of it.

So, where are you staying?

I'm joking.

You can stay in
my spare room.

I'm joking.
I'm a teacher.

I don't have
a spare room.

Do you want some?

Sure.

Hello. Do you know if Miss Morris
is finished with her classes?

Is she under arrest?

No. I'm just waiting.

- Are you American?
- Yes, I am.

- Do you know Barack Obama?
- No, I don't.

Do you know his daughters?

I know Sasha but
I don't know Malia.

How do you know them
if you don't know Barack Obama?

I don't know them.

- Are you a basketball player?
- No.

Why are you waving
at Miss Morris?

Because she's
my girlfriend.

Is her hair a wig?

Uh, I don't think so.

Do you know she's pregnant?

What?
What did you just say?

She's pregnant.

Oh, yeah. I knew that.

Are you a basketball player?

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

D-- Do that in the car.

Okay.

So, got yourself
some fans here.

We're not his fans.

I thought you were
someone special.

I am special.

So, is this just
a regular scan?

Yeah, well, I can find out
the sex this time if I want.

Well, you know,
do we want to?

I mean, wouldn't it be nice
to have a surprise?

Well, um, Rob,
it is Rob, isn't it?

'Cause I only met you
about 20 minutes ago,

and now I'm pregnant
with your baby,

so for the moment I would like a
whisper of certainty in my life.

Not even in my life.

In my body.

Right, now in reviewing
your pap smear,

we found an abnormality.

It's nothing to worry
too much about yet,

but you've got what's called
cervical dysplasia.

What the hell is that?

Strictly speaking,
it's what we call a pre-cancer.

Cancer?

Pre-cancer.

Frankly, I hate that it has
the word cancer attached to it,

because it isn't cancer,

but it's sort of
next door to cancer.

What is she saying?

That you do not have cancer.

Yeah, but she said cancer,
like, eight times.

Yeah, doctor, you have said cancer
rather a lot.

Like more than you would hear
in a casual conversation

that isn't about cancer.

Yes, and I'm sorry, but while
again, you do not have cancer,

you do have a situation that
we need to monitor closely

so that it doesn't
become cancer.

That's two more times
she said it,

that's two more cancers.

All it means is that
you'll come in here

a little more frequently
than you would have otherwise

so that we can take
a look-see at your cervix

and make sure it remains in the
cancer free state it's currently in.

Do you have pamphlets?

Yes, we have pamphlets.

I'm gonna get us
some pamphlets.

Right, let's shift gears
a little bit, shall we,

and take a look
at the baby.

Okay.

No, we go in through
the tummy for this one.

Okay.

Here we are.

Heartbeat.

Beautiful.
Nice and strong.

Here's the spine.

Exquisite.

Ooh, there's something.
Do you recognize that, Mommy?

Is that the cancer?

Very funny, no.
That's a little penis.

- Oh, God.
- Congratulations,

you're gonna have
a baby boy.

She said it's
statistically unlikely

to become full cancer.

So just--
just half cancer, then.

Just a gentle little
half cancer like you get?

Do you think it's
'cause I'm old?

It's because I'm old,
isn't it?

No, it isn't.
You're not old.

Oh, God, I want to smoke
a cigarette.

Will you get one and just
smoke it and blow it on me?

Well, just have a cigarette
if you want one.

- Yeah?
- But put your wine down.

May I have a cigarette?

Thank you so much.

I'm just gonna smoke this.
Not even the whole thing,

I'm just gonna have
a few puffs,

and then I'm just
never gonna do it again.

- It's fine.
- That's all right, isn't it?

Have a few puffs and
then never do it again.

Absolutely.

God, that's delicious.

Oh, for fuck's sake,
take that.

Hi.

Fuck.

- Hi, I thought that was you.
- Hey, you.

Well, is it true?

You pregnant?

A little bit.

Sorry, this is Rob.
He's my, um--

- Boyfriend.
- Yeah.

Yeah, and he's the
father of the--

This is Fran,
she's an old pal.

Great to meet you, Rob.

Great to meet you.

Great to see you, too, stranger.

So--

- You have to come over for dinner.
- Yeah.

Chris would love
to see you.

Definitely.

We should.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

I mean,
that'd be great.

What are you doing
this Saturday night?

Saturday?

Um...

Well, actually,
we've just had some news--

No, we haven't.

- I was just gonna tell her--
- No, we don't.

That's not--
Yes, we'd love to.

Great. Well,
we can catch up then.

Yeah.
You're still in the--

Still in the same
big house, yeah.

Saturday night. 7:00.
Don't be late.

All right.

Rob.

Oh.

She seems nice.

She's a cunt.

Oh, God, my feet are too swollen
for these boots.

Did you see
the size of them?

Yeah, they look like
little Hobbit feet.

Fuck off.

I meant to ask you.
Uh, why did you call her a cunt?

I shouldn't have
called her a cunt.

She's more of a bitch.

Why is she a bitch?

She's one of these people
where, like,

everything has gone her way.

You know, and she thinks
she did it, but it was luck.

You know, I just wish one bad thing
would happen to her,

Like, I don't want her
to get hit by a bus or anything, but,

you know, maybe
if she got arrested for tax fraud

or if her dad got caught
with child porn or something.

You know?
Just to knock the smug out of her.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, totally.

Oh, and don't mention
the pre-cancer.

Okay? If you need to
talk about something,

then-then talk about
the weather or the meal,

or, you know, other meals
you've enjoyed.

- So, meals.
- Yeah.

So, do I look fat?

No.
Except for your belly.

Then your tits.

My tits are fat?

Your tits are
fat and beautiful.

- Welcome.
- Hi.

Come in.
Come in.

Shoes go here.

Oh. That's a good spot
for shoes.

We keep a shoe free home.

Oh. Gotcha.

Actually, do you mind if
I keep mine on?

It's just my feet are
really swollen from--

Well, you can, but you'll be
the only one with shoes on.

So if you're okay with that,
then I am.

Okay, just--

This is a
delicious meal.

Thank you.

Well, it's all
Chris's work.

He's the cook around here.
Aren't you, Chris?

Where's Jeffrey tonight?

He's in bed.

He has to get up at 4:00
because he's filming in the morning.

Our son's a thespian now.

Really?

Mm.

When did that happen?

- I thought you knew.
- No, I didn't know.

Oh, that's funny.
I thought you knew.

Anyway,
this is his third film.

Filmed a scene with
Patrick Stewart last week.

Such a lovely man.

Total flirt.

Well, good for--
good for Jeffrey.

It's good for all of us.
He's coinin' it in.

Yeah?

Great.

This is a delicious meal.

So, tell me, are you planning on
a natural birth?

Uh, I don't know.
I'm just--

see what the pain's like,
maybe take it from there.

Really? I really think
you should consider a natural birth.

My cousin Sheila, she had all the
pain medication going,

oxytocin, pethedine,
she had the epidural.

- Didn't turn out well.
- Really?

What happen--
What happened to the baby?

Oh, no, the baby's fine.

But my cousin had
a massive stroke.

She has to use
one of those wheelchairs

that you blow into
to make it move.

Jesus.

That's actually why we should
have more than one kid.

What?

Well, just all the shit
that can go wrong.

I mean,
birth's a risky thing.

There's a reason people had
11 kids in the olden days.

If one or two of 'em died,
you still had leftovers.

Plus, only children
are weirdoes.

I'm an only child.

There are exceptions.

My son's an only child.

More than one exception.

But, you know,
this is a delicious meal.

This is the best meal
I've had in some time.

Uh, do you remember
that meal we had Tuesday?

- I do.
- Because this is better.

- This meal--
- Yeah.

I'm going for a cigarette.

Really?
Do you really have to?

Yep.

Rob, do you smoke?

No, I don't.

Did you quit?

- Oh, because you saw--
- Rob, just go for a cigarette.

Okey dokey.

Sorry about that.

I hope I didn't upset Fran.

Oh, don't worry about it.

She'll wank off to that
for a week.

She loves to get angry
at people.

You did her a favor.

Can I give you
some advice, Rob?

Uh, maybe.
About what?

When Sharon goes into labor,

jump on a plan,
go back to Wisconsin,

or wherever it is you're from,

and skip the whole delivery.

I saw my son comin' out.

It was a fuckin' war zone.

Just put it in there,
he'll do it later.

Such a nice kitchen.

You know they shit
when they give birth?

Uh, I've heard that.

Yeah, well, I've seen it.

I wouldn't want that for you.

You'll never be able to
forgive her.

Forgive her?

You see a little troll come tobogganing
out of your wife's snatch

on a wave of turds,

and part of you will
hold her responsible.

This is my first cigarette
in ten years.

You haven't smoked
in ten years?

Well, don't start now.
Give me that.

No, no.

No, no. Don't.

I do this now.

He's a big one.
Isn't he?

Rob? Yeah.

Is he...
big all over?

Um, yeah. Well, you know,
he's in proportion.

What's that like?

Does it hurt?

No, I mean--

I mean, he's proportional.
I wasn't, you know--

Is he circumcised?

Most American men are,
I've heard.

Yeah, yeah,
he is.

What's that like?

Well, it's the same basic deal,
really, you just--

I mean,
what does it feel like?

Sorry, what does my
boyfriend's penis feel like?

You okay?

Yeah,
just a little dizzy.

Oh, dear.

You know, I get a little bit
anemic myself sometimes,

and whenever I feel weak,

I just take a tincture of helonias or some
arsenicum if that's all I've got,

and I perk right up.

What--
You do what?

It's a homeopathic remedy.

Oh. No, thanks.

- Why not?
- It's not real.

Yeah, it is.

No. No, it's not.

Well, I think it is.

Oh, yeah. I was on the tube today and
I saw a guy with no legs,

so I prescribed him
three drops of doodly doodle-oo,

and his legs grew back.

Rob, Fran's a homeopath.

Well, you could have told me that in my
pre-dinner briefing.

Yeah, I think a lot of people
don't actually realize

that there are alternatives out there
that really do work.

My guru Alan, he cured himself of
prostate cancer last year

with walnuts.

- Oh, give me a break.
- Pardon!

What did he do,
jam them up his asshole?

I'm sorry, you're coming
into my house--

I don't mean to rip into your beliefs
in your own home,

but we just received some news
about Sharon that is not good,

and if I thought for a second
that I could just

rub a blueberry on her vagina
and fix her I would,

but I can't
because it's bullshit!

I think you should leave!

I have cancer.

No, you don't.
She's lying.

I think we pulled it back
at the end.

It was good of you to
ask Chris for the recipe for that tagine.

I thought about asking them
to wake their kid up

so I could get
his autograph.

You should have.
She'd have loved that.

Oh.

I'm really sorry
about tonight.

Don't be.
They're awful.

And actually
I was really touched

to see you go apeshit
at someone for me.

Well, I'm scared.

Of the not-cancer cancer?

Of everything.

I mean,
you're pregnant,

you might be sick,

and I don't know
what I'm doing.

You know, my shit's
still in a suitcase.

Am I a part of
your life or not?

I mean, are we doing this
for real or not?

Well, I don't know.

I think you should marry me.

What?

Are you mental?

Marry me and find out.

Why?

I mean, I literally
don't know who you are.

I mean, seriously.

Who are you?
Do you have a middle name?

Can you ride a horse?
Did a priest ever fiddle with you?

These are things
I don't know.

Clifford.
Yes. And no.

But a nun did stay in
the room with me

when I changed out of
dirty underpants once.

Oh, God.

Oh, aren't you supposed to
fall in love first?

Well, my mom sent me
an article

about a study on arranged marriages
versus love marriages,

and they found that fewer arranged
marriages end in divorce than real ones.

Is that because
they end in suicide?

I don't know, I didn't read
the whole article.

Also, you'll need to marry me
so I can stay in the country.

Oh, God.

You don't have to be
part of its life, you know.

I'm not expecting anything.

Except money.

Maybe a bit of money.

So I just write a check every month
and leave it at that?

Fuck that.

I didn't know my father,
and it sucked.

This kid gets a dad.

Oh, God, you don't have to be
so American about it.

Fine.

Oh, God, hurry up,
I'm not gonna come.

How did my vagina feel?

It felt great.

Yeah?
Well, make the most of it,

'cause it's not gonna
feel like that for much longer.

Not after your big-headed son
scrums his way out of it.

If it helps, I dated
a woman a few years ago,

and she'd had
a couple of kids,

and her vagina
was crazy tight.

I mean,
like teenager tight.

It was amazing.

How do you know what a
teenager's vagina feels like?

'Cause I used to be
a teenager.

And I-- I didn't--
It didn't feel cancer-y?

No, it didn't feel
cancer-y,

because you really,
sincerely don't have cancer.

In fact, I want us to get
a second opinion.

Doctors make mistakes
all the time.

You know, they told my brother
when he was ten

that he had polio,

but it turns out
he was just clumsy.

They probably told another kid
he was clumsy,

and then he died of polio.

Well, we'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.

Yeah, well, you might have to
cross that bridge alone

because I'll be dead.

That's the spirit.