Original subtitles

Okay, girls.

Oh, yeah, slitting is fun, wasn't it?

Come on.

It was funny when he slid into the fence.

Yeah, well, breaking is for sissies.

All right, take off your snow clothes. Come here, Connor, let me take off your

coat here.

Oh, baby.

Hold on.

I got it.

There. Got it. Thanks, Daddy.

Awesome. Yeah, that's why God gave Dad the big hands.

Apparently, he gave them to you, too.

early to beat the losers.

You know, Dana, people who live in cardboard boxes shouldn't be throwing

That's good enough. Go ahead, get it out of your system because that's over now.

Why is it over, Dana? Oh, well, I'm glad you asked, no one.

Okay, let's settle up, Cheryl, if you would.

Oh. What?

Well, while you were unemployed, you were partaking of our goods and

So now that you have a job, I expect a reimbursement.

Ah, my ledger.

Phil, Phil's got a job.

Well, you remember that interview I had a month ago? It totally paid off. You

were looking at the new creative director at Morris and Platt

that is so great.

Wow. Is the money good?

It's more than you make.

How much more?

Well, not to put a number on it, but a lot.

Well, I think it's fantastic.

Thank you. Yes, Dana, we are very proud of you.

Now, would you like to check over the bill before I put it on your credit

A dollar for tap water?

Well, Cheryl had to wash the glass.

And it sounded like you were drinking it in the dark.

Remember, you're on the Disney cruise ship departing for tropical paradise.

I just want to thank you again for this opportunity.

Yeah, Dana, you thanked me with the flowers, the basket of muffins, and the

Bulls tickets. If you thank me anymore, I'm going to have to fire you.

Okay, so, what do you think of the mom?

Yeah, you know, she's okay.

Just not what I had in mind for the Disney Cruise Line account.

Okay. So, um, could you give me an idea of who you had in mind?

Well, it's hard to put into words, but, uh, she's kind of a cross between Wonder

Woman and Kelly McGillis in Witness.

Yeah, sure, I can find that.

Dana. Dana.

Hey! Will you excuse me for a minute? Oh, sure.

Jim's teaching the measurements.

So, are you ready to go to lunch? Oh, I can't. Vice President Wattjob over here

just sent me on a quest to find some Amish superhero.

What? Dana, who is this?

Oh, um, kids, this is my sister Cheryl and her kids Ruby and Gracie. This is my

boss. Oh!

You can't go anywhere.

No, you are perfect.

Why does everybody always say this?

I mean, for the Disney Cruise Spot. You are exactly what I've been looking for.

You pop.

Really?

Absolutely. I mean, look at them. They're popping all over the place. Pop,

pop, pop, pop, pop.

Darn right, pop.

So, you guys want to be in a commercial?

Love it. On this, my first day of my new job. You know, I don't know. You know,

we're not actors.

I was Dolly Madison in the President's Day pageant.

Yes, you were, and what a night that was.

See, this just feels right to me.

What is the dad like?

He's handsome and funny and has big, big muscles.

Where's my dollar?

No, honey, only Daddy pays for his compliments.

Well, he sounds fantastic.

Oh, Dana.

Make it happen.

Well, thank you, Cheryl. You totally saved me. Tina, I'm not going to do it.

But Kitson really wants it. I need your help. You're my sister.

No, no.

You're not going to play the sister card. No, goodbye. Come on, girl.

No, this isn't over.

I swear I will crush you.

Tina, you were so much sweeter when you were unemployed.

my young, beautiful wife, and the heir to my empire.

Andy, don't you think Cheryl looks especially great today? She sure does.

What's the word I'm looking for?

Luminous. No, no, no, a real word.

I don't know, Jim. She just has the magic.

Would you say that she pops?

But you...

didn't she?

Yeah, she did, but now she realizes she should have used chimps.

Look, Cheryl, I'm sorry about this afternoon. You know, we both flew off

handle a little bit.

I didn't fly off the handle.

Apology accepted.

Cheryl, Cheryl, come on, look at this. If we do this, we get a free cruise in

the Caribbean. I mean, how great can that be?

correction, a free good time, which is better than a good time.

I already talked to Mom, and since Kyle isn't in the ad, she said that you could

leave him with her for a week. Yeah, yeah, and if he sees the pictures in the

family photo album when he grows up, he'll just tell me he wasn't born yet.

I just, I don't think it's a good idea.

Okay, okay, let me have a moment alone with my wife.

Hey, hey.

While you're talking to her, See if you can get her to go on the cruise.

Get out of here.

God knows that I don't ask for much.

Oh, I love how this is starting.

Come on, Cheryl, this is an opportunity of a lifetime.

There's nothing I'd love more than going on a cruise. Well, then let's do it.

Honey, I'm not an actor.

I know what this is about.

All right, don't worry.

I have enough talent for the both of us.

Come on, you've seen the family movies. The camera loves me.

It's my big head.

Come on, the kids will love it. Well, get out of the cold, and your number one

kid will love it, too.

Me.

Oh. Come on, baby, let's go. All right, all right, we'll go. Oh, my God, you're

so easy.

She said yes. We're going on a cruise.

We're going on a cruise.

We're going on a cruise. We're going on a cruise. Wait a second.

I heard a floorboard snap.

and we are sailing into international waters.

Hey, look, Chris, look. Hey, look, Mickey, Minnie.

Hi, Minnie, hi, Mickey.

Hey, Cheryl, look at this. Look at this.

Hey, hey, I'm king of the world!

Wow, that's quite a promotion from Bikini Inspector.

Hey, Mickey, Minnie, I'm king of the world!

Excuse me, sir. I'm king!

Sir, you need to come down. King! Sir, you might be king, but it says do not

climb. All right, all right, all right. Have a magical day, sir.

They didn't say my name when I came on. Andy, this is work for you.

What? I spent all this money on vacation clothes.

Vacation from what? Liking girls?

Listen, you're here as my assistant. On this cruise, your name is Hey You, and

my name is Yes Ma 'am.

Do you think I'm just going to take your crap all week?

Well, it's either that or you get on the next plane back to Chicago on your

dime. They're having a cold snap right now, you know.

couple hours, but remember, when you're on camera, there's no spitting, picking

boogers, or adjusting your underwear. And kids, same goes for you.

Well, then you don't have to worry about me. I didn't pack any underwear for

this cruise.

I'm on vacation.

Oh,

that's Jim. He's her husband.

Really?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no. We need to get Cheryl a better husband.

I've been telling her that for years.

Oh, my God. You're serious?

Well, I know what I like, Nina. And Jim is not it.

He's got to go.

You hired me to oversee this project, and that's what I'm trying to do.

You're going to have to trust me.

Get one step closer to robot butlers.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you think that's cool, you should go out on the veranda and look at

chairs.

Honey,

thank you for talking me into this. Oh, baby, you're welcome.

Hey, I want you to know you were really good today.

No, in front of the camera, you were really good, like Queen Latifah Good.

Oh, someone at the door.

Could it be me?

Did we still pop?

Um, yeah, pretty much.

There's this one problem.

God, it was me, wasn't it? I was stiff. I really felt stiff.

No, you were fine.

Gracie.

What a ham. I'll work with her.

Not her.

Ruby?

Actually, Jim, it was you.

the rest of the family.

as we do.

Come on, honey. The kids are having fun. We're having fun.

What, do you want to flush a free vacation down a toilet along with your

lipstick?

You flushed my lipstick?

Well, it fell in and... Trust me, you didn't want it back.

Come on, Cheryl, please. I'm begging you. As your sister, I need your help.

I can't play the sister card again.

Fine, then I'll play the you stole my boyfriend in 10th grade card.

You stole my boyfriend in 10th grade.

Why can't you let it go?

Please, Cheryl, you're the one having the fairy tale life. Throw Dana a bone.

All right. All right, we'll stay.

Oh, thank you. You know, tomorrow we're shooting all day in Key West. Are you

going to be okay?

I'm going to be fine.

opposite week. You'll work all week, and I'll sit on my butt hoping the floor

will vacuum itself.

Hey!

All right. So, in this next theme, you and the girls are going to be walking

down Green Street, you know, laughing, having a great time with your husband.

Okay, let's have fun. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

My husband?

Yeah.

Um, look, I was going to tell you this sooner, but I didn't want you to freak

out. We've recast Jim's part with an actor from L .A.

What? Yeah. His name's Ted, and, um, he's coming this way, so please don't

this for me. Oh, my gosh. Mr. Carter.

Hi. Hi.

Look at this.

The happy husband and wife.

Let's step back and watch the magic happen.

Hi. I'm Ted. I'm Cheryl.

I haven't had my coffee yet.

Look,

I know you haven't done this before, so you're probably a little nervous,

especially since we have the kids.

Kids? Yeah.

Kids didn't have this great idea.

On the last day of shooting, we're on Tiffany's private island, Castaway Cay.

You guys are watching the sunset, and you...

The whole piece builds to it, and Kitson really wants it.

Okay. Look, I think I understand, Donna.

Dana.

Listen, I know it's weird kissing someone you hardly know, so you just

think of it as a job.

Like, I had to kiss a monkey in a Japanese luggage commercial, and I

I felt almost not bad.

Hey, Cheryl!

Cheryl! Check it out!

Yeah, I wanted to see Key West, so I got myself a little hog for the day.

More like a little pig.

husband jim and and jim this is ted he plays my husband oh well

how about that actors on set oh i gotta run jim it's nice

meeting you yeah nice to meet me too so uh husband

huh yeah i i didn't know i just found out myself yeah that's cool yeah um

There's one more thing. We need the wine.

You're the wife. Go on, you're the wife. Go on. Are you okay? Cool, everything's

cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool. Okay, good.

I'm cool.

Okay, people, listen up. We're shooting a commercial here. You make noise, you

answer.

Method training. He's a real pro.

You got nothing to worry about.

What would I have to worry about anyway?

You know, some guys get pretty uptight standing around watching their wife kiss

a good looking... Nothing.

Wait a minute. They're going to kiss?

Well, yeah, but... What would this happen? I never heard Dana say anything

a kiss. It's not real.

I don't care if it's real or not. You can't kiss my wife. It's a stage kiss.

It doesn't matter if it's a stage kiss. No, no, no. There was no kissing

originally in this. Their lips don't even touch.

Their lips don't touch. What are you talking about? When you kiss, you kiss.

lips go together.

Next week on According to Jim.

Look at that.

Two kisses in one day.

Boy, sure are giving them out freely, aren't you?

No, Jim. Did you get a chance to take in the sights while I was working?

With our wife?