Original subtitles

I'm gonna get these drinks

that we have to die of thirst for.

Oh, sorry.

Just thinking about the ping.

Spending her last night with her friends in Thailand.

Then later she'll go back to her tiny bamboo house, pack her few belongings

a handkerchief, waiting for the rickshaw to take her to the airport.

Bob, for fuck's sake, you're getting a mail -order wife, you cavewoman.

You're suggesting I don't know my own fiancée?

Yes. Actually, what do you know about her?

A lot.

Never again.

Um, her name is Ping.

Um, they're very similar to me. We're both Buddhists.

Has one of you been a Buddhist? I've always been a Buddhist.

Oh, you don't think that I converted just to please her?

I quite like Buddhism.

I thought you hated all religions.

I do, but Buddhism's more of a lifestyle choice.

No gods to worry about, plus they throw in that whole reincarnation thing at the

end. Just like Doctor Who.

He got reincarnated all the time.

It's not like Doctor Who. In one moment, you're Tom Baker.

Then the next, boom.

You're Peter Davidson.

Yeah, but I still think they're the same person.

Well, actually, if you think about it... Look, it is nothing like Doctor fucking

who!

I thought Buddhists weren't supposed to get riled by small things.

Small things like people talking about Doctor Who. Aren't you meant to be at

with yourself?

I am.

See?

Before doing, one must be.

One must be what?

Just be.

Just be what?

Just be fucking annoying.

Maybe it's just be fat and bitter. Just be explicitly unaware of your personal

hygiene. Just be sure not to invite the satellite installation man round.

Marvellous. Well, I hope we all feel better for that.

Oh, jeez.

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

No.

Please, just once.

I'm not smelling your breath.

I'm picking up Ping from the airport in a couple of hours. I don't want to meet

you with bad breath.

Fuck off.

Fine.

I'll ask Penny then.

Settle down.

I just wanted to tell you that this week is Religious Tolerance Week.

I want you to stress to your classes the importance of accepting other

religions. I've also decided to host a tolerance fair.

Liz has assigned you all a religion to cover for it. We might laugh at the

beliefs of others, but we can't do it to their faces.

Well, not anymore.

Anyway, that'll be all. Thank you.

We shouldn't have to do this.

This is your job.

Well, maybe now you know what I have to put up with every day.

Yeah, but you chose to do it. It's what you paid for.

You don't know what it's like.

I'm telling you, by the end of the day, you'll be fielding the stupidest

questions ever.

Like, will my dog go to heaven?

Always about the fucking dogs.

Sounds like somebody's a bit worked up.

You should read this.

I'm not going to read that stupid book.

As you wish, Ben.

As you wish.

Why is it whenever I make a point, people immediately assume I'm getting

up in neurotic?

I have no idea.

It surely couldn't be because your voice goes all high -pitched and nasally,

could it?

My voice doesn't do that, does it? It's doing it again.

No, it's not. Face it.

It's just the way you are. It's why we all love you. Well... Not love you. Put

up with you.

I don't have to be neurotic, you know. I have self -control.

No, you don't. You're as bad as Bob. I am not.

Here we go again. Next thing you'll be storming out or wound up and upset.

I will not.

We might all be different on the outside.

Different colour, different religion.

But inside...

We're all the same, which is why we should respect other people's beliefs.

What about animals?

They're a different species, Wayne.

Does that mean my dog won't go to heaven?

The difference with Buddhism is that they believe that life is a circle.

is no end. When we die, we get reincarnated.

Our future incarnations are based on how we acted in our previous lives.

Yes, Grint.

I went to see a fortune teller once. She told me I'd been reincarnated.

Right. And did she tell you who you were before?

Hitler.

I'm sorry?

And before that, I was Leonardo da Vinci.

Okay. And before that, Caesar.

Caesar? Julius, not Augustus.

Then if you've been so famous in all your past lives, why are you now Grint?

Because I was Hitler.

This is my punishment.

In order to show Juliet the depth of his desire, Romeo breaks into the grounds

of her house and waits beneath a window, hoping to get a glimpse of her.

By the way, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone.

Technically, it's called stalking.

Done. Just a moment.

Oh, how can I help you? Yeah, I was wondering if you might check in on my

later. Why, where are you going?

No, I'm just feeling a little off colour. I thought I might have a lie

You might have a lie down?

Yeah. So you're not trying to duck out of class to pick up Ping from the

airport, then?

No.

Oh, please. I mean, what kind of a peon face are you going to think I am if I'm

not there to meet her off the plane? Of course you're not.

Oh, fine. If you want to stand in the way of my happiness, I hope you can live

with the guilt.

I mean, it's not like my whole future depends on this, is it? OK, fine. I'll

check in on that. Good man. Bye.

Uh -huh. You didn't just walk out on them, did you? At least tell me you left

somebody in charge.

Of course I did.

What do you think I am, some sort of incompetent fool?

think that was your plan. It isn't.

Bob's fucked off to the airport.

Well, who's looking after your year 12?

Nobody.

Mr.

Dirty has been unavoidably detained, I'm afraid, and I'll be covering the class

for the rest of the period. What is it that you've been looking at? Romeo and

Juliet. Romeo and Juliet.

A tale of forbidden love gone horribly wrong.

Right, we'll start at page 45.

Boris, if you'd like to read the part of Romeo.

Come on, out front.

And for Juliet, Anthony.

What? Juliet, page 45.

Up you get.

What's the girl's part?

In Shakespeare's time, there were no actresses. They used men to play the

women's parts.

Oh, didn't you know that?

No, I knew that, but... But...

Oh,

don't they make a lovely couple.

Everything all right, Anthony?

What do you think?

If it will help you get into character, I'm sure we could arrange for you to

wear a pretty little dress or maybe even some make -up.

Can I be Juliet?

No, Boris. I think Anthony is better suited to playing the girl's role.

it might be interesting as part of tolerance week to discuss how we view

other like uh me for example what words would you use to

describe me irrational unstable neurotic trouble

Mission control.

The hardly of the school.

Oh, Pink.

Like to make two good friends of mine.

Penny and Lindsay.

We're not good friends.

More associates.

Colleagues. We just work in the same place, exactly.

So, uh, what do you think?

Out of ten.

Are you asking us to mark us?

Well, I'm pretty sure I've got my money's worth. But, uh...

After all, if all things go well tonight, she might go up a point or two,

get my meaning. Yes. I wonder if she's into all this experimental stuff.

Bob, do you think it's a good idea to be discussing FE8s in front of her?

What?

Oh, yeah.

It's fine, yeah.

She barely speaks a word of English.

I'm teaching her, though. What?

Ping?

Daddy number one?

That's right.

There, you hear that?

I'm daddy number one.

That was disturbing.

I know.

I actually felt my skin crawl.

I always thought that that was just an expression.

What do you think? Out of ten?

Don't know.

About a six.

Six? Is that all?

I mean, look at her. She's at least a seven and a half or an eight.

Bob, please, stop trying to get me to rate your mail -order bride.

It's not a fucking fix. Come on.

Great. She's perfect. She's fun -tastic. You're a genius. And everyone is very

jealous of you and her... and her scarf.

Tell me.

Does she always wear that scarf?

What?

Well, I don't know.

Why?

No reason.

That was amazing.

The way you just gave in completely, it was almost like you didn't care.

I found that the less you struggle, the quicker they give in.

Plus,

you know, I've come to terms with my key.

Your key?

It's my inner life force.

All my previous evil lies, I'm at peace with them.

I'm at peace with myself.

Really? How do you know all this stuff?

I watch a lot of kung fu.

Obviously not enough, eh?

You could have stopped him.

What? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Good idea.

I'll do that next time.

Well,

they offered me a bigger office, but I said, no, no. The responsibility is big

enough. You see, Pete, what you have to understand is... Blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah.

Bastards.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Fucking bastards.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And he looks at me and he says, Captain, my captain.

And before I knew it, they're all standing there on their desks saluting

Bob, I didn't realise we had an appointment.

We don't.

I was just showing Ping my office.

You mean my office.

Yeah, but she doesn't know that, does she? As far as she's concerned, I'm in

charge here. But you're not.

I am.

And like I say, she doesn't know that.

I'm actually glad you've stopped by. I've got a favour to ask.

Again? Could you pretend that I was in charge, that I was the boss?

To impress the wife?

So she can see Daddy at work?

God, OK.

Only if you promise never ever to refer to yourself as Daddy again.

Thank you.

Now get the fuck out of my office!

Now! Go on!

Go on, take the walk!

Go on!

You'll be pushing your luck.

Out!

Well done in class today, Anthony.

It's good to see your friend touching with your feminine side.

Probably would.

I do.

Not bad, eh?

Go on, have a feel.

I could have beaten you, I just wasn't ready.

Right, and it's got nothing to do with the fact that you've got a girly little

twig arm.

Anyone want to see me do a handstand?

No. How about some more arm wrestling then, anyone?

What we could do, real wrestling, could clear a space.

I'm going to get some ice.

You don't need ice, your arm's fine.

Not for my arm, for my drink.

What is it with that scarf thing?

What do you mean?

Just don't trust women who wear scarves. It's like they're hiding something.

Like what?

I don't know. Love bites, tattoos, and Adam's apple.

You can actually be quite amusing sometimes.

No, you can't.

Well, we'd better be heading off.

Don't want to be tiring myself out. If I'm not in tomorrow, don't send out any

search parties.

Come on.

Time to give you a night you'll never forget.

Come on, P.

I think I'm going to go home.

Already? It's only eight o 'clock.

I just feel like we've just been part of Bob's foreplay.

Oh. I didn't even think of that.

Now I feel ill. Chip.

Now I can't stop thinking about them having sex.

His body dripping with sweat as he mounts her like a jellyfish.

So please fucking stop talking about Bob, Shaq and P.

That's Bob I've heard for some fun, then.

What's wrong with her? She's pissed off with you.

Why? Why is she pissed off with me?

Don't know.

Probably something you said.

Shit. I should go after her.

Apologise. For what?

I don't know.

That's even worse.

She'll know I'm being insincere.

Fuck, why does this always happen to me? If I don't do anything, she's going to

hate me even more. But if I go after her, then... Ben!

He's winding you up.

You just can't switch that big old brain off, can you?

I knew you were. I mean, I don't care.

Whatever.

I'm cool.

Yes, you are, aren't you?

Don't be long now.

You just get yourself ready.

Anything you want to try.

Anything you... one to do.

Nobody said anything.

We don't ask them any questions. We don't get any details.

Avoid eye contact. Look busy.

Morning, everyone.

Don't do it. Switch it off.

Morning, Bob. How are you? I'm so sorry.

Good. Hair a little tired, but then I would be.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

We were like wild animals.

Tearing each other's clothes off. Wait, wait.

Since when do wild animals wear clothes?

I was speaking metaphorically.

So did she actually get undressed or was it just metaphorical?

Of course she got undressed.

Took it all off.

Even the scarf.

Even the scarf.

Wow, good for you.

Because I've got to admit, I worried.

Worried?

Yeah. You're about these poor blokes who were tricked into buying ladyboys over

the net.

You'd fucking love that, wouldn't you?

It would be quite amusing. Well, you can all fuck off and find someone else to

take the piss out of. For once in my life, I've got nothing to worry about.

Settle down.

Just to remind you that today we're holding the religious tolerance fair at

lunchtime. Now, all of you have been assigned your stalls, so remember to...

Excuse me, who are you?

Excuse me.

She's with me.

Why? She's from a different religion and I thought, I'll be tolerant and

I'll bring her in.

Oh.

Well, that shows an unusual amount of initiative.

Well done.

You can all learn from Mr Porter here.

Orlando is talking to Rosalie, but he's unaware that this is the woman he loves

because she is disguised as a man.

As you like it, it's a classic example of Shakespeare using gender roles and

disguises. Why doesn't he realise she's not a man?

Well, he just accepts her at face value.

It doesn't mean he wants her to be a man, does it?

And just because she wears different clothes, it doesn't mean that she

is a man.

It doesn't mean that she's a...

Lady boy or post -op tranny either, does it?

No.

Does she leave the toilet seat up?

Of course she doesn't leave the damn toilet seat up.

She's a woman, isn't she?

I want you to do me a favour.

I want you to hit me. Why?

I'm trying to achieve inner peace.

I figure if you hit me and I don't react, then it means I've done it.

See, The key to inner peace is to put yourself in an extreme... Ow!

What the fuck did you do that for?

You told me to.

I wasn't ready. That really fucking hurt.

Do you know how fucking painful it is to be punched in the face?

Yes, I do.

So? Did it work? How do you feel?

How do you think I feel?

Maybe I should try it again. I didn't quite catch you right.

That pulled me a punch.

No, no, no, it's okay. I don't think I'm quite there yet.

Oh!

For what?

To see if it's free.

The others are all free.

Yeah, but the cubicle's my favourite.

Don't do that.

No, I won't.

Is that pin in there?

Is it?

Yes, it is.

She must like the same cubicle as I do. That's nice, isn't it? What are you

looking at me like that for?

You think I'm some sort of a pervert, don't you, that I'm loitering around,

trying to hear if my fiancée urinates coming up or not? Oh, you have got a

mind. A sick mind.

Ah, hey! You are aware that men sometimes leave the seat down, aren't

I have no idea what you're referring to.

That's right.

People keep using it for the wrong reasons.

Just give me the key, come on.

Why? I need stationery.

You'll have to fill out a request form.

Don't be fucking joking.

No form, no key.

Pen.

Key.

Now. Of course.

Since when has Claire checked and verified this? Since when has Claire had

that?

I'll make sure she gets it.

ASAP. Fine. I'll do it my fucking self.

Yes. This game's fine.

Please.

I sense that you're troubled.

No, I'm fine.

You say that you're fine, but the way you say it tells me more than words ever

could.

No?

Well, maybe I'm feeling a little troubled, I guess.

Ripples from your past lives affecting the present.

If you could find out who you had been, then you would be at peace.

That all sounds a little simplistic.

It won't be easy.

The journey to inner peace is like a forest.

There are no roads, no landmarks. Only your senses can guide you to the other

side.

Okay.

I'll have the website that does it all for you.

Get off of Miss Pierce in front of me. Well, it was a choice between you and

her.

Yeah.

Fantastic. Something he wants to show me.

Do you know, Mormon men are allowed to have as many wives as they want.

Really? Yeah. And most of the guys are ugly, too.

I'll tell you what, if I hit 50 and I'm single, I'm converted.

Shit. I left my notes on the Christian's in the office.

What's the point?

Hare Krishna's bad hair, bad music, bad dress sense.

Piece of piss.

Bubbly, you can't just keep coming into my office every single time you want

to... cry like a baby.

I had an office once.

A place I could go, eat and think.

And a big house, too.

And a wife.

Well, you'll have a new wife soon, and I think it'll be going very well.

No, it's not.

She hates me.

She doesn't hate you.

She'll sleep with me, though, will she?

Not last night.

Not this morning.

Of course, not even five minutes ago.

Don't you recall it?

I mean, what the f... Like a stationary covers for you, not for making love to

your fiancée.

Stationary?

It's like being married again.

Staring at the fucking ceiling.

Sneaking up in the dead of night to sit on the toilet seat.

Making sweet, sweet love.

Please, love.

Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, sorry.

Just got a bit emotional. Yeah.

Thanks for listening.

I always thought you were a bit of a ponce, you know, walking around like

out of place, head up your arse.

But you're okay.

Thanks. And I appreciate you speaking to Ping for me.

I haven't spoken to her.

Well, no, not yet, obviously, but it means a lot that you're going to.

I never said I would.

But you are head of department.

Yes, but speaking to your Thai bride doesn't come under my job description.

Yes, it does. No, it doesn't. Fucking does. Fucking doesn't.

I can't believe we've been discussing this. It's your pastoral duty to look

after the people in your department, or am I going crazy here? Please, tell me,

have they changed the job description?

No, but my duty only extends so far.

So, you wouldn't say that my situation is affecting my work?

It is, but every situation you get into seems to affect your work.

Please, just answer the question.

Yes or no?

Yes, it's affecting your work, OK? But I don't... Thank you. No further

questions.

Technically, Bob is correct.

You can't be serious.

You do have an obligation to look after your staff's welfare.

What exactly is the situation at hand?

It's about Bob and his... It's personal.

And I don't think it's the details that matter. What matters is you are refusing

to help a member of staff.

With good reason. That's an opinion.

It's not a fact.

Unbelievable.

Their decision. Have to abide by her decision. This is a joke. You're angry

me, aren't you?

I can understand that.

Buddhism teaches us that when we're angry at someone, really we're just

ourselves. No, I'm pretty sure it's you I'm pissed off at. You know, it wouldn't

be the weirdest thing in the world if, after this, we ended up as friends.

Yes,

it would.

Who was I before dot com?

You're really taking this inner feeling of it seriously, aren't you?

It's probably not because I didn't know what I was doing.

Well, you do.

You get bothered about everything in life.

Generalising? No, I'm not.

Like, for example, your hair.

My hair?

What's wrong with my hair?

I used too much product here, didn't I?

Just keep typing.

And I'm done.

Any minute now.

According to this, in a past life, I was... Matt LeBlanc.

Who's Matt LeBlanc?

He's Joey.

From Friends.

Joey? Yeah, the one who doesn't care about anything. The one all the girls

Hmm.

Oh. He's also the stupid one.

The stupid laid -back one?

I think you're missing the point.

No, I'm not.

Matt LeBlanc isn't dead.

How can you be the reincarnation of someone who's still alive?

Maybe it doesn't mean it literally.

Maybe it just means that I have the spirit of Matt LeBlanc in me.

Do you realise how stupid that sounds?

Yeah.

We're kindred spirits, me and Matt.

No, you're not.

You're just jealous.

How can I be jealous of an idiot?

An idiot who has the spirit of Matt LeBlanc in him.

Still just an idiot.

Is it, Damien?

Is it?

How bad must her whole life have been to want to run away and marry Bob?

I can't begin to imagine.

Poor thing.

Stuck in a country where she knows no -one.

Except Bob.

Exactly. Poor thing.

You know, we should really go over and talk to her. Make her feel at home, let

her know that she's not alone.

And you have not left?

All gone, I'm afraid.

I just did.

Hi. Can I have a word?

So, the reason you're

here is... Well, it's about you and Bob.

How can I put this?

He has some serious intimacy issues.

Right, you don't understand a word I'm saying.

What I'm saying is... Bob... Kit, you

know... Whoa!

Not me! No, Bob!

Not me, Bob! You know, Bob!

Look, if I could... If I could just... Here,

see? Bob?

Bob?

Right.

The thing is, you and Bob.

How can I put this?

Bob! Bob!

Bob! Yes!

Just wanted to thank you for the tip, then.

Never realised it before, but I really do have that Matt LeBlanc thing going

From now on, when faced with a problem, I'm just going to say, what would Matt

do? Help me!

And Matt, he'd do nothing at all.

That feels good.

You going to be much longer?

Yeah, almost done.

That's OK.

I can fix it.

Oh, out the way.

What did Ewan want with Ping earlier?

What?

Oh, that.

He's teaching her English.

Is he? That's right, yeah. Being head of the department and all, who better to

teach her?

How about her own husband to be? Well, see, I'm very busy at the moment.

It's a bad precedent to set, though.

She's only been here two days, and already you've let her know that you're

lazy to even bother teaching her the language. I'm not lazy. It's just that

sometimes a man and a woman need someone else to help with their problems.

There's no shame in it.

Problems?

No, I didn't say problems. Yes, you did. There are no problems.

Do you think...

If I had a problem, I'd ask Ewan for help.

It's language lessons, that's all.

Yes, because obviously, if you had a problem, you wouldn't go to a younger,

virile, better -looking man.

Of course not.

Just as well there's no problems, then.

Exactly. There are no problems at all.

I'm fine.

Ping is fine. Everything is fine.

Hakuna Matata. That's my philosophy.

acted earlier.

This whole thing is just a case of premarital jitters. No need to do

Don't want to rock the boat, do we?

I mean, surely I know my fiancée better than anyone else does. Why are you half

naked?

I was, uh... masturbating.

Oh. Yeah.

Had a free period, thought, you know, why the hell not?

Play the old banjo.

Have a bit of fun for one, that kind of thing.

Oh.

Right.

A bit embarrassing for you, eh? Yeah.

Incredibly. Caught with the old trousers down, eh?

All right.

Well,

I'll leave you to finish up.

And, er...

Oh, dear me.

It's very embarrassing, isn't it?

Daddy.

Can we talk?

I'm busy.

All I wanted to say was, well, it's not like we can spend the rest of the year

avoiding each other.

No?

And I was hoping that we could, you know, put the past behind us and move

You've been watching too much Trisha.

No, I'm trying to be adult about this. I'm trying to be adult about this.

I don't want to be fighting with you every day.

What makes you think it's up for you?

Oh, I forgot, you're 17, you know everything.

Please, don't show me mature.

I'm meant to be immature.

I'm a fucking pupil, you're a teacher.

Are you quite finished, or do I have to listen to any more of your tantrum?

Oh, just fuck off.

Let's fuck off, Miss Neville, to you.

You can't be Matt LeBlanc as well.

I'm telling you, every time I typed something in, it came up with the same

answer. It's a joke website.

It's not.

Did you really think that was going to be the answer to all your problems?

But ever since I found out I was Matt LeBlanc, I felt better.

I even didn't mind travelling by car.

I didn't think about dying once. I didn't care about anything.

Everyone, tell Damien he is wrong. I am the reincarnation of Matt LeBlanc.

Ah, who was that before dot com?

No. I hate those jerk websites.

Fucking grinch.

Yeah, that's right. When in doubt, blame the boy with the comb over.

Did he seriously think you were Matt LeBlanc?

You don't understand.

I got to see the world through his eyes.

Finally, it all made sense.

For the first time, I felt alive.

Ben, whatever it was that you thought being Matt LeBlanc gave you, it was

inside you already.

It's not just going to disappear.

You really think so?

No.

Hello. Am I round?

But I haven't finished mine yet.

Come now.

There we go, please.

Hi, King's bitch.

Not having an early night, Bob?

No, no. I don't want to be one of those guys, the moment they get a woman, they

start neglecting their friend.

Please, neglect away.

Thanks.

Ewan, get a move on.

Here we go.

Carried over like a pro. Must be those strong wrists of yours.

You must have some sort of a workout for that, must you? Something to make your

wrists so strong.

What does it say, Bob?

Ooh, ooh, time for a pee.

Stay, bin, stay.

Good girl.

She's obsessed with me.

It's quite sweet, really.

Why was Bob so interested in your wrist?

Was he?

I didn't notice.

He kept going on about them.

Maybe he just likes my wrist.

All of you, just stop it.

You know, I'm sick of you all going on about my wrist.

It's all I ever hear.

You know, Ewan's wrist this, Ewan's wrist that.

Can't anybody think of something else to say?

Daddy number one.

Did he just call you daddy number one?

Huh? Hey, how many beer naps do you think I can put in my mouth at once?

Let's all try it. No point.

I hold the record. You'll never beat me.

Daddy, number one. What about pig?

Daddy, um... Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new

winner. No way.