All language subtitles for Watching s07e07 Knotting.eng

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the
blessing should be what does it.

Yes, but you must try and anticipate
every eventuality. Expect the unexpected

and look for the unforeseeable.

A bit tricky, that one.

Tie up every loophole and cover every
loose end.

Shall we dot our T's and cross our I's?

Fingers might be better, but suit
yourselves.

Oh, all right. So you've been the
hairdresser?

Yeah.

Do you like it?

I suppose the juniors have got to
practice on somebody.

So what was the magazine?

Cosmopolitan. Getting hitched without
the hitch. I'll get you a copy.

Would that be useful?

Oh, not for you, Malcolm. It's a bit
frank. And not just the doctor's page.

And they had the other glossy one. Marie
Stopes. Marie Claire.

That's it?

Right.

Yeah, she gave it me to read when the
hairdryer broke down. Page 47, Karen

and she was right. I was done in ten
minutes.

Don't panic, Mother. Nothing will go
wrong, because nothing can go wrong.

Yeah, but Uncle Arthur's giving you away
and he goes cockling.

No. Well, he might get stuck on a
sandbank.

True. And the church might get it by a
meteorite. That's right. Those vandals

will throw anything.

Don't worry, Joyce. Everything will be
OK.

Our only worry is we won't leave.

What a thing to say.

And thanks for the present. It was a
great idea.

Yeah, I thought you'd like it. But you
won't tell Brenda beforehand, will you?

And here and here and here.

No, not that one!

Too late.

What is it?

My secretary's leaving card.

Oh, I'll buy her another one. The decree
absolute will be through on the 13th.

As for the settlement, we estimate that
the disposal of your business will

realise a similar sum to the pecuniary
residuals acquired by the respondent

the sale of the marital accommodation.

I see.

So I won't have to sell my business,
then?

Oh, I think you will.

I mean, considering your present lack of
liquidity and our disbursements,

consequent upon post hoc juicy carty
status antebellum.

I could explain, Mr. Stoneway, but time
is money, remember?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'll pop the details in a letter.

You'll keep it short.

Oh, um... But why him?

Tell you, he was my best mate. Best
mate, best man.

Settle up with the rest of them.

And what will you do when he lets you
down?

He won't. He might get snowbound in
Hemel Hempstead.

Well, I'm sure David would oblige,
wouldn't you?

Sure. Is he coming up for your stag
night?

Oh, Malcolm's not having one, are you?

Well, I haven't really... He thinks all
that kind of stuff's outdated. All that

gaudy macho talk, crude jokes and
drinking yourself into a stupor. Sounds

to me.

No, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't. I'm still having my own
party, though.

Well, it's different with girls, isn't
it? True.

Bring your knitting, Pam.

Oh, of course.

Gosh, I hope they don't run out of baby
shampoo.

So I told him, right, four isn't enough
for anyone, and as I'd asked him, he

could go for the sniff, but he said it
was against his religion, but I know

because he saw some tomcat being done on
the town.

Right, that's them. What'll it be, Ross?
Gin and tonic, please. Right, I'll get

these, you go over. Now, every time he
gets frisky, I just show him me nail

scissors.

Well, let me introduce you.

It's Tracy, Michelle, Sarah, Jeff, Jane,
Donna, Cheryl and Cedric Pushoff.

But I brought you all a drink.

Yeah, well, next time we want one each.
Go put some music on us.

Hiya, anyone for a refill?

No, thanks, Pam. Good, that's my round
in then. Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, we've earned this.

Absolutely. Malcolm brought us. On his
bike?

I was. Come through the short straw.

Sidecar. Oh, it's horrible.

It's like going to the laundrette and
climbing in with your wash.

Well, it's pretty awful on the back. The
suspension must be straight out of Ben

Hur. Could put you off sex for life.

Do you reckon?

Hey, friend, do you think your Malcolm
will take my fella for a spin?

He didn't have to come on his bike, you
know. He offered. He called round to

keep David company just as we were
leaving, and what can you say?

I mean, he looks at you with those big
spaniel eyes.

Yeah, well, get any more stocking and
he'll pee up your legs.

Congratulations.

So,

where are you going for the honeymoon,
then, Brent? I don't know, honestly.

Oh, come on.

I suppose the one advantage of having
done it before,

even if you shouldn't have done it with
the one you did it with, is when you do

it again, you know what you're doing.

True, very true.

Oh, of course, I'd forgotten you'd...
Done it.

Yeah.

Before Pam, was it different?

Well, it was easier. Didn't have the
trimmings.

Well, we're not having trimmings. Yeah,
keeping it simple.

Right. And not many afterwards.

I said to Brenda, three packets is
enough.

Did you?

Yeah, well, there's 12 in a packet.

12 what?

Wedding invitations.

Tell you the truth, David.

I wanted you.

But I was already married.

No, for best man.

Oh, thanks.

But as you did it last time, well, I
thought it'd have to be Terry.

I'm surprised you found him.

Oh, he still swapped Christmas cards,
you know.

I send him one and he gets it.

Sounds fair.

You sure you won't join me? Oh, no, no,
thanks, no. It's nearly closing time. I

thought I might pop round the grape, see
if any of the girls want to lift home.

smiled and she said, dead sweet life, if
I could do that all over again, I'd do

it all over you.

Good. Oh, there is the same. She says
she's still looking for a fella she can

like half as much as he likes himself.

I'm not going to have a long wait then.

So, uh, Ren, are you going to promise to
obey?

No. And what's more, I'm leaving out
this for worse before I'm definitely

sickness with.

That's the way.

Right, girls, my round.

What do you think?

You're not, aren't you?

What do you think?

You'd be a listener to this lot. You'd
counsel it, wouldn't you?

There's only one person encouraging me,
and that's for all the wrong reasons.

Who? Here.

What's the matter?

I'm trying to make out she's too young
to get in.

We should go easy on the anti -marriage
bit.

Oh, what? Is she a bit... Oh, right, OK.

Well, I... You're late.

Yeah, well, I would have been in sooner.

And I was just leaving. And she and I
were looking for you, and I said I'd

her. But when she got here and saw it,
it was that she wasn't coming.

Mother! But I have persuaded her to sit
in the snug if you'll come and join her.

And she said it won't take long, but
she's got to say it.

Who's got to say what? Well, I don't
know. Go and ask her. She's in the snug.

Oh, Brenda, you do make a meal of him
tonight. Have you had a drink yet?

I've got the D right.

Hello, Brenda.

That's all I need.

What do you want?

There's something I wanted to say.

You just don't give up, do you?

Well, look, before you start, let me
tell you, you may as well save your

If that gang of so -called mates in
there can't talk me out of it with all

horror stories, there's no way... Good.

Good? I'm glad.

Glad? I'm glad you're not being
influenced by such people.

Such people? Those people? Hold on,
what's the catch?

No catch.

Over the past few weeks, I've thought
long and hard about this forthcoming

union. And I've come to realise that
I've not always been fair to you.

No, I'm not.

But as you're aware, Malcolm's happiness
has always been my sole concern.

I think it's yours, too.

Well, isn't it?

It's not my soul's concern.

This is the rainforest.

I'm here to eat some friendly tuna and
free -range eggs.

And you'll always be flippant.

I suppose I shall just have to get used
to it.

Won't you?

Stay here.

That's... No, you're right there, Donna.

I'm Donna?

Well, you're right too.

Right up to the dip.

I think we should take the subject.

Right, we'll take the subject.

Did you start around?

It was just quite nice to find someone
who was genuinely on my side.

Would you like a drink, Marge?

Thank you.

I'll have a port and lemon, please,
Brenda.

Right. Oh, and seeing this is a special
occasion, go easy on the lemon.

I've been trying to reach you for three
days.

I thought you'd be here sooner to help
with arrangements.

Got a message?

Oh, that's pretty feeble, Terry.

Look, if you leave Hemel now, when can
you get here?

Oh, brilliant.

The wedding's at two.

I should never have asked him.

What's happened?

He thought it had been put off for a
week, idiot.

A message on his answer phone from
somebody.

So, it's the old firm, is it?

Would you mind?

Not at all.

And if you ever need me for a second
time, just as if, eh?

Yeah, just as if.

Can I use your phone? Yeah, sure.

You know, Pamela's not coming back.

Isn't she?

No, she's taken all her gear.

Everything? For this afternoon.

She's going to help Brenda get ready and
then they'll go together.

Oh, yeah.

Hi,

Brenda. Bad news, I'm afraid.

Well, I mean, it's not... No, it's not
bad news. It's probably better, really,

cos, er... Well, David knows the ropes,
cos we've done it for each other before,

and this'll probably be the last time
for both of us.

Malcolm, what are you on about?

Best man won't be here on time.

Snap.

Well, at least my first best man won't,
but I've got my second... No, he's not

really my second... Did you say snap?

Uncle Arthur's been arrested.

Arrested? What for?

Cockling in the cloud season.

Misleading the police. I'm failing to
provide the specimen. He said it was too

cold.

Well, who's going to give you away?

Oh, don't worry. I've plenty of other
uncles.

Right. So, er, see you in church.

Yeah, all right. I'll be the one in the
veil.

Erm, Terry couldn't make it.

Oh, what a shame.

Well, Mother, any joy? Don't watch me.
I'm looking. Mother, it can't be that

difficult to remember how many brothers
you had.

Yeah, but we're all sort of spread out.
And anyway, you're just as bad. You

can't remember how many uncles you've
got.

Well, we would do if you'd remember to
tell us which were the real ones and

which were the temporary ones.

Oh, forget it.

It's going to have to be Plan H.

Oh, Brendan, no.

Oh, he was there at the beginning. He
may as well be there at the end.

look, please don't think of this as the
end. It's the beginning.

The beginning of you being somewhere
else.

Hello? Oh, hi, Julian. No, he's round at
hours with David. Can I...? Ooh, and

goodbye for you too, you slimy get.

Julian! Yeah, probably to say that he's
cocked up the arrangements and the

wedding's off. Hey, that'd be a laugh.

No, it wouldn't.

No, it wouldn't. No, it wouldn't.

Why haven't we got form M9?

Because M8 had a lapse of calamine.

What?

Slip of the pen.

Well, whose fault was that?

The solicitor for the petitioner. Who?

Me. You?

I have a heavy workload.

Then go.

Now look here. Go!

Bye, Gerald.

Bye, then.

See you.

Hey, you.

What? Try and make sure she gets there,
eh? All right.

No, it's OK.

Right. No, we'll pick him up on the way.

Better once round the park than waiting
here, though, eh?

Right, I'll see you later.

Bye.

What's up? Oh, nothing for you to worry
about. Slight hitch.

Not a meaty right?

Er, no, it's just that the Reverend's
been delayed and we're to take our time.

You wouldn't lie to me, would you,
Pamela?

Brenda. What a thing to say.

But you assured me you had it.

Yeah, well, we did. Sort of.

Well, almost.

It's on its way. Yeah, special...
special messenger.

And I suppose they've tarried a bit
around the past few days. He might have

talked about a certain holiday and the
adventures of his friend Frank.

Oh, you think so?

You're a devious old boot, Pamela
Wilson.

What a thing for the Virgin Bride to
call a matron of honour. Honour? That's

laugh. Oh, not half as funny as...
Right, let's have a look at you.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, you look great.

Mistress Dunaway. Welcome. Yes.

Julian sent me.

About time. Let's have it. Well, no, we
haven't... Would you sign here, please?

What?

With the judge.

Under paragraph 2 .49, subsection 2A of
the family proceeding rules,

1991... You'd better read.

And here.

And here.

I,

Brenda Cheryl Wilson.

I, Brenda Cheryl Wilson.

Take thee, Malcolm Randall Stoneway.

Take thee, Malcolm Randall Stoneway.

To be my lawful wedded husband.

To be my lawful wedded husband.

For better, for worse.

For better, for worse.

He'll never depart.

and thereto I give thee my trophy.

With this ring I thee wed, and all my
worldly debts, and in truth, I thee

endure.

Then I pronounce you man and wife.

I give you the... Bride and groom.

Oh, yes.

The guide and broom.

Well, I'd like to say on behalf of my
wife and I, a big thank you to all of

for coming.

Oh, that's all right, Malk.

Seems I only just made it.

Carry on. I'll plot down here.

Oh, is that cake?

Well, thank you for all the presents,
most of which are very good, especially

this time we didn't end up with three
canteens of cutlery.

Of which, due to recent events, we...

The original we now have one and a half
each.

Will you shut up?

And thanks to my best man, David, for
stepping in at

short notice.

And thanks to Harold as well.

Now, we chose to have the reception here
for two reasons.

Firstly, it's just six years since me
and Brenda met in this very room.

And secondly, Harold said we could have
it for free.

Provided we wash up afterwards.

Honestly,

now, there was this message on the
machine. It just said, wedding delayed,

send new detailed shortly.

Or something like that.

I'd have brought the tape, only it got
white.

How convenient.

Yeah, it was a woman's voice.

And it sounded sort of funny. Like as if
she was holding her nose.

What, like this?

Yeah, it was exactly like this.

I wouldn't have let it get down, now.

That's how I was going to come up last
Wednesday and bring my mate Frank.

He was so looking forward to seeing them
again.

See you there again.

Oh, hi, Terry.

Excuse me.

Malcolm, stop it. She shouldn't be doing
that. Not on her wedding day.

Have you met our mum?

No, I don't think so. Then you must.

Brenda. Hold on, Malcolm. It's your
turn.

You shouldn't be doing this. Where's
your closing time?

Last notice, please. No, Harold, it
isn't. Oh, good. I'll have another pint

then, please, love.

Get it yourself.

We ought to go.

All right.

I'd better get changed.

But I could do with a hand.

Bye,

Gerald! I mean, Malcolm.

Wishful thinking.

Bye, Gerald.

Oh, you know that bit in the
instructions about the wind thing? Don't

about it.

OK. Bye, Mum.

Oh, bye, Mum.

And thanks for whatever it is. And if
you get nervous, just grab a boy.

Grab a boy.

Bye, Mum.

Bye, Malcolm.

Bye, Mum.

Goodbye, dear.

And remember, he does need his roughage.

I bet he'll get it and all.

See you, James.

Bye, Mum.

See you.

I can't think of anything you are.

Close your eyes. What?

Trust me.

I do, it's my mother I don't trust.
Close your eyes, it's a good idea she's

Open them.

Good, eh?

Yeah, very nice.

Two weeks, all paid for, we can go
wherever we like.

I fancy Venice.

Is everything on board we'll need?

Everything? Well, you know, food and
drink.

I'm a crew.

Gerald!

This should do it.

OK.

It's a plus every half an hour.

Think we're being mean?

Do you?

No.

Where was it said you wanted?

Benny.

Yeah, we should make that before dark.

said about grabbing a boy yeah i think i
know what she meant now now brenda

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