All language subtitles for Watch Pillow Talk (2017) - Free Movies - Tubi

[logo buzzes]

♪ Take everything ♪

♪ Away ♪

♪ This gnarled, weird ♪

♪ Face ♪

♪ This ripe swollen shape ♪

♪ I want blank, I want frozen lake ♪

♪ I want deep space ♪

♪ Tuck the whole ♪

[Ryan grunts] [gentle music]

- There you are. [exhales]

The fat fuck in me recognizes the fat fuck in you.

I love you.

- Jesus.

How long have you been standing there?

- Long enough.

I didn't mean to disturb you. I'm going out.

- Oh, yeah. Where? - Nice-Nice. Come?

- Mm-mm.

Still staying in.

Last week, my abstinence pledge.

Six weeks without filling the void with the meaningless.

- That's right. Keep fighting the good fight for both of us.

- I will, brother. Good luck out there.

- Hey, good luck in here. And in here.

[both sigh]

- I love you.

- I love you too, man.

- Later. - Yeah.

- Oh, I forgot. [Ryan groans]

I ran into Sharron Pepowitz at Whole Foods.

- What? - Sharron P. Whole Foods.

She looks good for somebody with a kid.

I mean, I didn't see her bottom half

because it was hidden by a, a shopping cart.

But- - Max, she's a mother now.

Please show some respect.

- All I'm saying is that she ended up

being a solid investment for whomever ended up marrying her.

I mean, unless she got blown out by that kid.

- Not cool. - No. I mean, internally.

Well, internally and externally.

Like a cop-killer bullet. - Dude

- No, I'm not being an asshole.

I'm saying she looked pretty.

I thought you'd appreciate the intel.

- Do you know what, Max?

I'm feeling really happy for her right now.

And you know why? Because I'm free.

- Namaste.

[gentle music] - Mm-mm.

Mm. Ah.

Okay.

[inhales sharply and exhales shakily]

I am not my thoughts. I am not my thoughts.

I am not my thoughts.

Ah.

[Ryan chuckles]

Ah. Ah.

Ah! Ah!

I don't need to be validated, alright?

Social media is not social. Porn is not intimacy.

Breathe in love, breathe out bullshit.

I am not my thoughts.

I'm not my thoughts. I am not my thoughts.

Ah!

Day five, week six. Dear future me.

I think this journey of ours is taking us to a new depth

of truly understanding of what it means

to be an authentic human being.

Stay in the light. Stay in the light.

I gotta get in shape.

You don't got no power over me.

[chips crunching]

It's too much time on the internet.

It has ruined my body.

My body is a temple. My body is my history.

Yeah.

Clean it up. Clean it out.

Get to work.

[Ryan chuckles]

[Ryan sighs]

- You think Siddhartha would've made it

if he had a fucking iPhone?

[energetic music]

[Ryan moaning and grunting]

Oh God.

[energetic music]

[mellow music]

[phone chiming]

- [Sonja] Good morning, Ryan. I'm happy to hear from you.

- You are? - Yes.

Morning Spiritual check-ins can be very powerful.

How are you?

- Oh, um, I am feeling young.

- [Sonja] Great.

- [sighs] Uh, listen, I just wanted to ask you,

if you were like, um, I dunno,

if you were like a personal trainer

or a, you know, like a dietician or something,

how would you feel about a cheat meal?

- A cheat meal? - Yeah. Yeah.

Look, I'm, I'm feeling really good

about all the progress that I've been making.

It's just, you know, now that I'm back in the wilderness,

I feel like I may have,

[gentle music]

I may have strayed from the path just a little.

- [Sonja] These are just growing pains.

Are you growing, Ryan?

- Uh, I guess so.

- [Sonja] Then everything is how it should be.

- Okay. Okay.

Good. Um, thanks, Sonja.

- Have a blessed day. - Yeah.

Uh, blessing, blessings to, to you. Bye.

[phone beeps]

Okay. [exhales]

- Cheat meal?

- Listen, it's, uh-

- You're not giving me a chance.

- Oh my god.

You realize that when you were five I was picking up women?

- Who fucking cares.

- My point is that maybe you should have

a boyfriend of your own age.

- Yeah, but how would you know that

when we've never done anything together other than this?

- You know what?

I think this is an excellent time

for us to clarify the nature of our-

- Relationship? - Situation.

- Situation? - Association.

- Like a fucking parent teacher association?

- You know... - You were inside of me.

- Look, all I'm saying is

that I've always looked at this thing between us

as more like, um, like a vacation.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

I'm just saying, it might be better

if you look at me like Cancun.

- Cancun is a shithole.

- No, no, no. Cancun is awesome, alright?

Many people have the time of their lives in Cancun, alright?

It's just the next day, yes,

maybe the haze wears off and they realize that,

you know, they wouldn't wanna spend all of their time there,

because that would be really dark and depressing.

You know?

- You know what?

I think what you're actually trying to say

is that I'm Cancun and all you wanted

was to go to Cancun for the weekend, and that's it.

- No, no. - I can't believe

that I let you have sex with me.

I thought that you had an awakening.

- I like you, alright? I, I think that you're great.

I just think that you have a whole lot of life ahead of you.

- It's so much worse than I thought.

- Okay, this Cancun thing sounded a lot more

like a Leonard Cohen song in my head.

- Who's that?

- Do you have any coffee?

[gentle music]

I'm such a piece of shit.

What is wrong with me?

- Knock, knock. - Whoa.

- Good morning, son.

- Oh, um, o- o- okay.

Good, uh, good morning.

- How are ya? - I'm sorry.

This is, uh, this is weird.

I, I, I didn't know that Autumn had a roomate.

- Uh, sure, I'm Autumn's roommate. Also her father.

Huh? [laughs] [Ryan laughs]

I'm sorry. I should have introduced myself.

- Ah, it's, yeah. - Yeah. There you go.

- It's nice to, uh- - It's good.

- Nice to meet you.

I, I didn't, I, I didn't, I didn't realize

that Autumn still lived at home

or that, that any of us

were still standing in that home right now.

- Beautiful light in this room. Huh?

- It's gorgeous. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Uh... [Dad sighs]

- So, I wanna just cut right to the chase.

How was your sexual experience with Autumn last night?

- S- s- sex?

We didn't- - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Shh, shh, relax.

Autumn and I have a very transparent relationship.

I'm well aware of what the two of you do together.

- You are? - Mm-hmm. I am.

- Oh God. [both laugh]

I'm sorry.

This is hard for me. - Okay.

- Because I'm, I'm, I'm a man

and I, I've been bred to fear the father.

- Mm-hmm. I get it, I get it.

Let's you and me change all that.

- We don't have to.

- Fill me in on the deets.

- Okay, uh, okay. We're doing this.

Uh, so, we watched a, we watched a movie.

- Ryan. - No, we did.

We did. We did.

It was, it was about abortions starring Ryan Gosling.

It was, it was actually really great.

You know- - Hey. listen, bud.

I gotta tell you, your avoidance, your fear,

it's very concerning to me.

You're being very American.

You're being very male right now.

I don't mean that as a compliment.

And your, your fear-the-father trip that you're on, it's concerning.

Because it implies a certain old-fashioned sentiment

that, that you're trespassing on my property

by having sex with my daughter.

- Sir, that, that, that is not what I meant at all, alright?

I, I would never trespass on your daughter

or your property.

- You cannot think about sex with women

as if you're getting away with something.

- Yeah, you're right. Of course.

- You know, you can't do that. - Yeah.

- Because it infers that, that, that sex is some sort of bonus

that's only afforded to the male.

- Right. Okay. - Right?

- Yes.

- The real point is,

did Autumn climax last night?

- W- what, what?

- Did she have a good orgasm?

Did you fulfil your end of the bargain?

- I, I, uh... [stammers]

- Come on, bud. Did she come?

- It... - Oh, hey guys.

- Hey, honey beaver. - Hi.

- Did Ryan tell you

that I should think about him like Cancun, Dad?

- No, we were actually stuck

on whether or not you were able to have an orgasm.

- Yeah. I, uh I think I did, but I don't know.

It was really subtle. [gentle music]

- You know what? - It wasn't subtle.

- That, that's a common problem.

Don't, don't, don't beat yourself up about that.

- Yeah, it's just, I don't wanna be thought of

as a temporary destination,

but I have to be really honest with myself.

Am I the one really taking advantage here?

'Cause I don't really want him.

I just, I just wanna break him.

- Mm. Mm-hmm.

Sweetheart, that's very honest and articulate.

I could see you really meant that.

- Mm.

- Thank you for saying that, sweetheart.

Oh, you're the best little girl in the whole world.

- Love you, Daddy. - I love you too.

That's a special girl.

- I'm Cancun.

- Have a seat.

Ryan?

- Yeah.

- Will you lie down on my daughter's bed with me?

- Okay.

- I've been thinking a lot about the vagina lately.

It's both presence and absence, isn't it?

[energetic music]

- I really want to leave now,

but I think you might be on my underwear.

- Shh.

[energetic music]

- Just one stop? - Uh...

- Yes. - Well, yeah? Oh, okay.

Yeah. All right.

Uh, thanks, man.

Wow. It's a great place.

Dear future me, or should I say present-moment me.

I'm doing a much better job of taking things as they come

and not rushing towards an outcome.

Okay. Just hold on for one second.

- [Olivia] Let's talk later.

I want this. - Yeah.

I just need to tell you, okay?

- Don't worry about a condom.

- Um, okay. [chuckles]

But I just wanna say

that we actually don't have to have sex.

- You just shut up.

I'm not kidding. I need this.

- Yeah, I, I, I just wanted

to say I had a really nice time tonight.

- Same. Thank you for dinner.

- Yeah, it was my pleasure.

The thing is, is that there's just no pressure.

And as great a choice as this is for first date,

and it is, it is, it's a very strong choice,

I would really like there to be a second date.

And this is gonna sound like a line,

even though I've used it as a line in previous scenarios,

but I think you're really awesome.

And, uh, I don't know,

I, I think, I think maybe this could be more than just sex.

- Oh? Yeah, I really didn't see that.

- Oh.

- I saw this as more of a short-term kind of thing.

- Yeah. Also totally Okay.

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Why do I throw the baby out with the bath water?

Oh, okay, um.

So I guess what I said before doesn't even matter.

I got something to confess to, actually,

it was total bullshit what I was, what I was saying.

I guess I was just really overwhelmed, um. [chuckles]

- Are you always like this? - Yeah. Sometimes.

- Shut up and kiss me. - Okay.

[both moaning]

- Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Fuck. Now I feel weird.

- Why? - You've been

so beautifully open with me.

I feel like now I have to share something with you.

- W- the, the fact that you wanna sleep with me means

that you could confess to me that you murdered my mother

and I would forget about it until afterwards, okay?

- I'm pregnant.

- Yeah. - O- okay.

I'm struggling with this.

What do you mean? I haven't even put it in yet.

- No, I'm, I'm already pregnant. I'm four months pregnant.

- Shut the fuck up.

Wait. You look amazing.

- Thank you. Yeah.

It's kind of why my breasts are so big 'cause I'm pregnant.

- Huh? - I feel really bad.

I should have told you at dinner.

You're not mad, are you? - M- mad?

No. No, no. I'm not, I'm not mad.

I'm just...

Pregnant? - Mm.

- [chuckles] I, I swear to God, I have thought

of every potential hypothetical situation,

literally everything, [laughs] oh shit.

I totally missed that one. Congratulations.

- It was an accident, of course.

But I thought, "What a good opportunity

to, like, use my body and bring a life onto this earth."

So I feel really good about it.

Thank you for saying that.

- Oh, no, I, I mean, congrats on stumping me.

But yeah. All of that stuff too.

- Right. [Ryan exhales sharply]

- Wow. This is amazing.

- Well, as much as you keep trying to convince me

that this is a bad idea, I really want you to fuck me.

So let's figure it out.

- Really? - Yes. Yes, really.

- Okay. Oh.

[both moaning]

- Oh yeah. Oh my god. - Okay.

I just, I need to ask you a couple of questions.

- Sure.

- Um, should I be doing this?

- Definitely. - No, I just, again,

I don't wanna impede, you know, or you infringe.

I don't wanna impose on like, the personal space.

- That's a common misconception.

And it's totally fine to have sex with a pregnant woman.

- I just, I don't wanna be encroaching on his territory-

- Oh, no. - like, at all.

That seems super rude.

- Not encroaching. You're not encroaching, encroaching.

- Alright. Okay. - Oh, God.

Honestly, where it's at right now,

it's like the size of a kiwi fruit.

- Imagining you have fruit up there

is honestly way worse than a human fetus.

- Dude, seriously,

- I just really hate kiwi fruits.

Now that's all I can think about.

- It's just a small human

with, like, tiny ears and tiny hands.

And it's totally normal and okay for us to be doing this.

I can't believe I'm trying to convince you to do this.

- I know, I know!

I'm sorry. I've, goddammit-

- Just fuck me.

Just, let's just- - Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Just fuck me. - Alright. Here we go.

Okay.

Alright. There we go.

- Oh, yeah. - Um...

Uh, I just, what about the milk?

- Oh fuck.

Seriously. Just forget the whole fricking thing.

- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

[groans] I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm just...

- I didn't think it was gonna be this complicated.

- Just, I'm just not ready for this.

I'm not ready to share a uterine real estate yet.

That's all. Yeah. - I shouldn't have told you.

- No, no, no, no. Of course you should have told me.

And, and, and congratulations.

Fucking kids. Kids are awesome.

And you, you, you are gonna be an amazing mother.

Seriously. You should be so proud.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- I am.

- Oh, wait. So is that why we didn't need to use a condom?

- Yeah. It's like double jeopardy.

You can't be convicted for the same crime twice.

- Huh?

- Like, I can't get pregnant twice.

- Huh.

[energetic music]

[both breathing heavily]

[energetic music]

[gentle music]

My heart is open and I radiate love.

My heart is open and I radiate love.

My heart is open.

- Did you do your weird visioning thing?

- Um, kind of in the middle of it.

[Zoe laughs]

Hmm.

- Can't really tell if it's working.

- Oh. [chuckles]

Why is it that something

that should make me seem more sensitive

just makes you uncomfortable.

- So go on then, tell me what's your mantra.

- Bitch, please. That is some inner sanctum shit.

Hell no. - Uh, I am inner sanctum, no?

- Mm-mm.

- Alright. What do I get?

- [giggles] You wanna barter with your spirituality?

- Fuck yeah. I'm all about fair trade.

- Okay. Hmm.

How about this?

- Hmm. [Zoe gasps]

It doesn't really seem proportionate

to me forfeiting my path to enlightenment.

- [scoffs] Oh, fuck off.

- Plus, I've already seen them like a bunch.

- So what's it gonna take then, huh?

- I got an idea. - Yeah?

- How about you be my girlfriend?

Look, I really like you and it scares the shit out of me.

And I really don't wanna blow it.

I used to be this really sad,

fucking lonely asshole of a guy who just,

who never let anyone in.

And the last two months, I, I've put in a lot of work.

Tried to change that.

And at the end of all of it, I found you.

So what do you say?

You ready to go steady? [both laugh]

- I'm such a nerdy weirdo. - Oh yeah. Totally.

[door knocking] Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm.

No, I have company.

- Oh my God. You won't believe what just happened.

- Dude.

- So Emma just broke up with me.

- Shocking. - Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

- It gets worse.

She did it from a hospital bed.

- What? - What?

- Is she okay? - I didn't know at first.

So I jumped in my car and drove down to like, take care of her.

And when I get there,

she tells me that she's been cheating on me.

[Ryan laughs]

[Max sighs] - Wait, that's it?

- Ryan! - Oh, come on.

- I'm sorry, so did the other guy show up

at the hospital too? - Was he in bed with her?

- God, that'd suck. - No, no.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Did all of the people from the Nice-Nice come down too?

Because I'm pretty sure she's on track

to finish off every pro skater in LA.

No, I'm serious. She's like famous

- Ryan. What the fuck?

- She was at the hospital. This is fucking insane.

She was at the hospital

because she tried to have butt sex with a guy

and it didn't go well.

- Whoa. - Oh no.

- Poor guy.

- Poor girl! - Poor girl.

- Is she gonna be okay? - Yeah.

I guess they just poke it back up in there.

[Zoe groans] - Really?

Modern medicine. That's amazing.

- Yeah.

Nature's inside-out sock, I guess.

- Well said.

- Is it weird that I'm sad about this?

- Yes. Very. - Not at all.

This is a lot.

And dishonesty is always hurtful.

- Thanks, Zoe.

- And so is having your ass torn apart by a pro skater.

Now I think we're done here, bud.

Take care.

Go. Go.

- [Max] Do you guys have any Tylenol PM?

- That's a good idea, Max.

Just sleep it off, honey.

- No, I was thinking the best way to get back at her

would be to OD on something.

I'd need a lot of it though.

- What? You can't OD on that stuff.

- Um, actually you can.

An overwhelming percentage of suicide victims

use it to overdose.

- That's great.

- My little brother tried to commit suicide using that shit.

- Hey, hey. Hey, Max.

Come on. You're being completely insensitive.

Have some respect. - Wow.

That's rich coming from you.

- Okay. You know what?

It's truth time. You ready for it?

'Cause it's coming at you.

This whole fucking thing is a big gift. Right?

It might be wrapped

in some pretty weird fucking wrapping paper,

but it is a gift and you should be happy about it.

- Okay. How so? - Because Emma's a cunt.

- Ryan! - I'm sorry. Emma's a slut.

- That, that is worse.

- [Both] It is? - It definitely is.

- Okay, Emma would be

a celebrated recurring employee of the month

at a thriving whore corps in ancient Rome.

- Hold up.

So this woman deserves to be called a slut or a cunt

because she freely expresses her sexuality?

- No, no, no. That's not what this is about.

This is just about Emma and her butt buddy-

- What, what was all that shit

you were saying before about compassion?

About having changed?

- Oh, honey, he has not changed.

- What the fuck, dude?

You know I have done

a ton of work on myself in the last two...

- Come on. - Look at my fuck,

I got a fucking a tree and a vision board.

A meditation guide.

- Sonja? - Yeah. Sonja.

- Sonia's a hard 10. - So?

- Can I have a meditation guide like that?

Can I get a happy ending

on the way to enlightenment, please?

[Ryan chuckling] - What the fuck?

- I'm s- I'm just trying

to make my friend feel better right now, okay?

Listen, Emma is a great girl, but here's the truth.

She has fucked every single person that you know.

- Oh my fucking God.

- What? - What?

- You slept with Emma?

- I did? - What?

- I did.

I did. I'm sorry.

It hap- it was a, a long time ago.

- She's been here for six months

- And hasn't she kept herself busy in that time?

- Jesus. - What?

- Jesus. - I am outta here.

- What? - Me too.

- No. Fuck the both of you.

- [Ryan & Max] What?

- What do you mean? I'm the victim in all this.

- Okay, the disgusting opinion of women that you two share,

you should just fuck each other.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Zoe, Zoe, Zoe. No, no, no, no, no.

Come on, I was coming really close

to falling in love with you.

- That's great. Don't call me.

- What? Don't you wanna hear my mantra?

Okay, my heart is open. My heart is open.

And I radiate love!

Fuck! [groans]

- Think she's right about us?

- About what? - Nothing.

I didn't even really like her anyway.

- Come here, big guy.

- It's tough out there.

[energetic music]

- Hey, Siri. [Siri chimes]

- Call Slutty Emma.

- [Siri] [chimes] Calling Slutty Emma.

- Hey, Emma. It's, uh, it's Ryan.

Look, I just wanna say

that I think you're a beautiful woman.

I, I feel like I've judged you

and that's not the right thing for me to do.

You know, it's just, it's really not cool

that there are different standards for men and women.

So I just wanted to let you know.

Uh, I, I hope you have a beautiful day

and I hope your butt hole feels better

so you can get back out there.

[energetic music]

- Hi, my name is...

What's my name? - Karma.

- Karma. - Karma Bay Raintree.

- Right, sorry.

And I have a shitty name and no dad.

But guess what I do have?

- What do you have?

- I have a tiny erect peen.

Yay!

I can get erect in utero now. [chuckles] Wee!

And guess what, Mom, you're gonna be so proud of me

[smacks lips] because I love sex just as much as you do.

Doo, doo, doo, doo-doo. Oh, what's down here?

- I used to love sex.

- No vibe? - None.

I thought I was into it, but then I saw your face

and my vagina just got incredibly dry.

- Oh, wow.

You really know how to make a guy feel special.

No. It's okay.

I got to tick the pregnant box

a couple of times, I guess, so.

How big do you think he is now?

- Mango sized or like a very large croissant.

- Oh, that's an improvement

'cause I like both of those things.

You know what? This is gonna be good.

This is great.

Me playing supportive man friend to a lonely pregnant lady

is really gonna help keep me in the light.

- Light?

- Yeah. I, um, falling off the wagon a little bit lately.

- How so? - Oh, no big deal.

Just saying a bunch of really stupid shit to women.

- You're having trouble with women?

- [laughs] Yes.

- I have an idea.

- Okay. - You know,

there's so much more you can give to women

than just sex, right?

- Oh my God. [sighs]

I knew this was coming.

And I just wanna tell you that I'm flattered

and seriously, Olivia, I'm totally game.

- Game for what? - To be the father

to your bastard karma baby.

- What the fuck? - What do you mean,

"what the fuck?" - No.

You went to all this talk about what women need.

It's so clear. Careful, careful, careful.

- Okay. - You need a man

who is gonna just, you know, take care of you

while you're in this vulnerable state, right?

Here. Get a pillow.

That's it. That's it.

Settle. Breathe.

There it is.

- My point- - Mm-hmm.

- is, maybe you should do less thinking

about what you can get out of women

and more thinking about what you can put in.

- Look, I've been trying to put it in since I got here.

- I'm serious.

- So am I. Listen to me.

You need a father, right?

And I've done a lot of work on myself here-

- Ryan. - And maybe,

I'd be ready for something.

- You keep talking about all the work you put into yourself,

yet you are the most lost person that I know.

- I know that women don't exist just

to make me feel like less of a fuck-up.

I just wish that sometimes they did.

God, I'm not a bad guy.

You know that, right?

- You are a great guy.

- I do wanna be a father someday.

- Mm. You are gonna be a great dad when it's your time.

It's not my time?

- No, it's not your baby.

- I'm kind of a mess, huh?

- Yeah.

- I think it's because all my mother ever wanted

was to feel valued by men.

She never learned to value herself.

- It's not her fault.

She was just working within a system

geared towards those values.

- I know.

- Besides, that's not your shit.

- Yeah.

She killed herself.

- Not really. - Ryan!

- What!? Okay, I exaggerate to feel more worthy of my pain.

You know what? I feel a lot better.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I mean, exposed, feel better.

Man, you are gonna be a great mom.

- Mm.

I'm a little worried that my kid's gonna end up in therapy

like everyone else. - Then why don't you try

giving the fucker a normal name?

- I just want him to feel connected to the earth.

- Okay, then try Sandy.

There, that's earthlike. - Sandy?

- Earth, mountain, sand, Sandy. Sandy.

- I actually really like it.

- Hi! - Oh.

- I'm Sandy and I still have my tiny erect peen,

although now I'm using it to just pee all over the place.

'cause I like to pee in utero.

All over my home

like a dirty little homeless man with no shoes.

Yay! - Say that again.

- What? S- say what again?

- I don't know. Dirty bit.

- O- okay.

I'm a, I'm like a skid row bum.

And I just rolling around in my own feces.

Isn't that fun? Yay!

[energetic music]

I'm a tiny little homeless baby bum.

And who the fuck is this Ryan Guy

encroaching up in my business?

Oh, hell no.

There gonna be a knife fight up in this bin, motherfucker.

I'm about to 187 a bitch.

Pow! Pow! [energetic music]

[gentle music]

[toy clatters]

[Paulo grunts]

- It's owl.

- [Owl] Hello! I love you forever and ever.

- Get owl.

- Oh. Oh, thank you.

- Yeah, well, you should compare embezzlement stories.

Yeah. His is really funny.

Yeah, somebody died. Hold on a second, alright?

- Hi. - Oh, hold on. Stay there.

I'm Darryl. - Darryl. Hey.

Pleasure to meet you, man. - Mm-hmm.

You must be Ry-an.

- Yeah. R- Ryan, yeah, yeah.

Listen, um, I hope you don't mind me coming over here today.

- Why would I mind?

- Well, I, I mean, you know, just the past and,

You know. - Yeah.

That's my son, Paulo Sylvester Pepowitz.

[chuckles] Rocky fan. Very cool.

- No. - Or no.

Look, Sharron told me about all the shit

you guys have been through together.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Man, then that is really cool of you

to let me come over here.

Thank you. - It's no problem.

I really don't have a issue with faggots.

- I'm sorry? I'm sorry what?

- I said I don't have an issue with doughnut punchers.

- Yeah. I don't, I, I heard.

I'm not, that is so offensive.

- Okay. Okay. And I also understand

that she was your beard for three years, or-

- I'm not- - But honestly,

if you want to cram your sausage in the doo-doo tube,

that's up to you.

- It's 2016.

You really, you really can't say shit like that anymore.

- Oh my God. Lighten up, Bruce Jenner.

- Caitlyn Jenner. Who is transgender.

- Same thing. - Not the same thing.

[Paulo cries] - One second.

Come here buddy. Come here.

That's it. Ah, come here.

- Da-da. - Yeah. I'm your da-da.

You hear that? Da-da?

My child. My seed.

A boy. - Congratulations.

- [chuckles] Could you do this?

- Yeah, pretty sure that if given the opportunity,

I could, uh, do that.

- No, I don't think you could. - Okay.

- The kid would probably be retarded.

No, I don't wanna touch you anymore.

I gotta go work, okay?

'Cause I'm a man. That's what men do.

So it was a real pleasure to meet you, Ry-an.

- Yeah.

If he falls down, pick him up.

You still there?

Yeah, alright, well just hide it under something.

Do it offshore, I don't give a shit.

- Hey, little dude.

I hate to be the one to tell you this,

but your dad is a giant fucking asshole.

Yeah. You got a raw deal.

'Cause if that guy's raising you, you are so fucked.

- Did you come here

just to insult the father of my child?

Or was there something else?

- Sharron? Wow, you look great.

- I have a home gym. Makes it easy.

- Yeah, of course.

Well, looks like you were pretty smart

upgrading me for Darryl.

Nice move.

Plus he's straight.

- I'm sorry. I just thought I'd make it easier.

- You are aware that you've married a monster, right?

- Why are you here, Ryan?

- I wanna apologize.

- Okay. Well, if this is about us, you don't need to.

You you were young, you panicked. I forgive you.

- Really? Wow.

That was easy. - It's all good.

- Good. - Great.

- That's great.

I just, I need you to understand.

I never would've, you know- - You need?

You need? Like, are you kidding me?

Are you like a little baby boy? You need?

Are you like my mentally underdeveloped child?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Should you really call him mentally underdeveloped

right to his face? - Do you need a paci, Riri?

Grow the fuck up.

You know what? It was always about what you needed.

- Huh? - When are you gonna realize

that the world, shockingly,

does not revolve around what you need?

- There's the Sharron I remember. - What about what I need?

Oh, fuck you. - There she is.

- You know what? You hurt me.

- Well, yeah.

Let's not forget that you were engaged when I met you.

- Yes! - Okay?

- And then I left my fiancée for you,

and then you just disappeared. - To be fair,

he asked him to marry him in a Hummer.

- Not the fucking point, Ryan. - Okay. Okay.

I was worried that my life was gonna end up looking like this.

And I freaked out and I fled.

- What is so wrong with all of this?

- Noth- nothing. Nothing. It's not what I meant.

It's just that I'm sorry.

Alright? For all of it.

You understand that? Everything that I did, I'm sorry.

- You were supposed to be my guy.

- I know.

- I thought we were gonna have kids.

- Yeah, I know.

I'm sorry for abandoning you.

- It's okay. - And for cheating on you.

- Don't worry about it.

- And for judging your settle-down lifestyle choices.

- It's all good.

- And for hiring your sister Sonja

to be my meditation teacher.

- Yeah, I heard about that.

- And then for trying to sleep with her.

- Jesus, Ryan.

- And for sleeping with her. - Are you fucking kidding me?

- I'm sorry, I... [both laugh]

- You are fucking unbelievable. You know that?

- I know. I know.

Look, it's not,

I want to have a serious, meaningful relationship.

But you know me, I can't pass up a free meal.

- Mm-hmm.

I guess sometimes where you are in life

is just where you are, hmm?

- Yeah.

- I need up. I get up.

- Is that it?

That's all you wanted to tell me?

- There was one more thing.

[chuckles] - There we go.

- I may have looked you up online

and then relieved myself

to a picture of you holding him.

It's not as bad as it sounds.

I put a post-it note over his face.

I wrote a very uplifting message on it.

It was all above board.

- You jacked off over me?

- I'm sorry. [chuckles]

- What picture?

- Uh, I don't know.

I guess it was from about a year ago.

He looked a lot newer.

You were on a beach, some sort of vacation.

- Cancun. - Of course.

- I knew you still wanted me.

- What are you doing? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- That's you came over isn't it?

- No. I'm not gonna ruin another one of your relationships.

- With Darryl? Our marriage is a joke.

- He's terrifying, Sharron.

I don't wanna be on the wrong side of that psycho.

Who knows what he's gonna do.

- You do realize that this prison

that is currently my life is entirely your fault.

- Oh, well it's not a prison.

You got a home gym. It's beautiful in here.

Shut your goddamn mouth for a minute and kiss me.

- No, no, no. I'm not gonna do it.

It's not gonna happen.

- Yes. - No, no, no.

Ah, ah. Mm-mm. [Pablo babbles]

Whoa, whoa. Hi, hey, hey.

Stop. Stop, stop, stop.

What are you- - Don't mind me.

- Stop. - Let's do it.

- Mm. - Shh.

[energetic music]

[Pablo babbles]

- Can you look the other way?

You're kinda throwing me off.

[energetic music]