Original subtitles

VTR 1659, part 1, take 1.

Nice to get the weight off your feet, isn't it?

Oh, it's marvellous.

You know, there's something about our day's physical labour, Sid, gives you

special kind of feeling.

Yes, knackered.

No, it's a very healthy and useful life, this. You know, the farming community

has the lowest rate of immorality.

I'm not surprised. They're too bloody tired.

I'm going to write some letters tonight, I think. What are you going to do?

Same as I did last night and the night before.

Sweet Fanny Adams.

Now, come on, Sid, there's plenty to do.

Oh, yes, plenty to do.

Mind you, I could go in for this competition. Here, any appetiser?

Maternity fashion contest.

Never know, I could win a year's supply of nappies.

Or if I really want to take a trip, I could thumb through this pamphlet from

Minervagon Fish.

Soft fruit, pest and disease control.

It's unabridged. No.

You're always complaining, Sid.

Of course I'm complaining. I'm fed up.

Wouldn't be so bad if we had a television. We don't want a television.

Well, I do want a television. Blimey, I want to know what's going on in the

world. There's earth -shattering events going on out there and we're missing

them.

Blimey, for all we know, Elsie Tanner might have run off with Albert Titlock.

Tatlock. Oh, what's the difference?

Very earth -shattering, that, isn't it?

Well, I'm going to go on my letters.

Who's stopping you?

Listen, why don't you write some letters?

I've got nobody to write to.

Ah, don't be ridiculous. Of course you have. Everybody's got somebody they can

write to. You're just too lazy.

Yeah, I suppose I could write to the orphanage. Yeah, you are. You could...

Orphanage? Yes.

What orphanage? The orphanage I was brought up in.

Oh, sorry, Sid. I didn't know.

That's all right, mate.

You mean your mother and father died when you were little, then?

Well, I don't really know. I was abandoned, you see.

Abandoned? Hmm.

Of course, I don't remember much about it. I was only two years old, two weeks

old at the time.

As a matter of fact, I was... It was a Christmas Eve, and I was left on a

doorstep in Sydney Street.

What's the matter?

Well, it's just sad, Sid, you know.

I've been no mother and father on Christmas Eve.

Oh, it's all right, don't cry. You know, what you don't have, you don't miss.

Until I was two years old, I thought my mother was a big, fluffy toy panda.

What do you mean?

You've no idea who your parents are, then? Well, not officially.

What do you mean, not officially?

Well, I always had a feeling that my father had something to do with the sea.

How'd you make that up? Well, because I was being so fond of the sea.

You fond of the sea?

The only chap I know who gets seasick on Battersea Pond.

Well, I was a very heavy swell.

You've only got to look at me to see that I resemble a famous seafaring man.

You don't resemble anyone to me.

Now, have a good look. Come on, have a look.

What sailor do I remind you of? Look.

Popeye. Oh, blimey.

It's all a supposition there.

Just hang on a minute.

Here, now, look.

Now, then, who do I put you in mind of?

Oh, yes.

Yes? Yes, I know. Go on, go on. Yes?

Come in number five.

Well... You know, come in number five, the man in the batter's... Oh, don't be

so stupid. Well, that's who you look like to me. Well, it wasn't him.

Well, then who was this mythical matalo supposed to be your father, then?

Chichester.

Sir Francis Chichester. Yes, why not? Now who's being stupid? Oh, don't be

silly. It's not impossible.

Will you seriously suggest that Sir Francis Chichester might be your father?

Yes, why not? Well, why would he abandon you?

Well, how do I... I know. Blimey, I was too young to remember.

Perhaps he was hard up at the time.

Well, why hasn't he reclaimed you then, eh?

It was an orphanage I was in, not a blasted pawn shop.

You can't keep popping kids in and out.

That sounds far -fetched to me. You've no definite proof.

As far as I'm concerned, your father could be anybody.

Yes, perhaps you're right.

I wonder if it's Mountbatten.

I think your best bet is the man on the Battersea Boating Lake. Oh, felt that.

Well, I'm going to go on writing my letters, Sid.

I wonder who that can be.

Perhaps it's Sir Francis come to claim his long -lost heir.

Go and see who it is, then.

You see who it is. Look, I'm writing. I'm reading.

It's a bird.

Hello, boys.

Oh, what a journey. I thought that doesn't ever get here. I'm frozen.

Queenie, what are you doing? Let me come in and warm myself.

Well,

this is nice, isn't it? When you two lads walked out of that office, I said

the other chars, oh, they'll be back. But you've proved me wrong. You've stuck

it out.

And good for you, I say.

I was ever so pleased to get your postcard. I showed it all round.

They was all jealous.

Oh, this is nice. Is the kettle on?

I'm spitting feathers.

Yes, well...

Warm yourself up. We'll make you a cup of tea.

Come here a minute, Vic. Yeah.

What is Moll Flanders doing here?

I don't know.

She said she was glad to get our postcard.

Well, I did send her a card, Sid. I mean, just to be sociable. You didn't

to invite her.

I didn't.

Not in so many words. I just said, if you happen to be passing, pop in.

There we are. She's popped.

Oh, what are you two boys up to?

I thought you was putting the kettle on.

Well, it's true what they say.

If you want a job doing, do it yourself.

Now, don't you worry. I'll find out where everything is. Yes, OK. Cups and

sauces. Oh, we haven't been washing up our dishes. Well, I... Well, you can do

that while the kettle's boiling.

You wash, you wipe. I'm going to tidy up the living room.

It's happening. She's taking over. Oh, she means well, Sid. That's what they

about Barbara Castle.

She left to go.

Who? Barbara Castle? No, both of them.

Especially Queenie. She's the main reason I left that bloomin' office.

Oh, look, Sid, be sociable. Just for one evening. Look, she's come a long way to

see us. All right. All right. I'll put up with her for a couple of hours, but

don't you ever invite her again. No, all right, all right. I won't. What's all

this, then? The dishes won't do them.

Don't get stuck in. Yes, yes. This place is like a pizza.

Well, we'll still get it cleaned up.

I'll give it a real good turning out first thing tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Aren't you going back tonight?

No, I'm on me holidays.

You've got me here for a fortnight.

Come on, Noddy, get up.

Come on.

Come on, wake up. Come on, come on, come on.

Get up.

It's all right, you being cheerful. Sit on my back.

Look, I can't sleep on this lumpy city for a fortnight. Well, it's all right,

you don't have to. You've got a chair, a table, a floor.

Well, why can't we take it in turns to have your bed?

Because you invited her in. It's only right she should have your bed. Now,

on, get up. Right.

And just... Ah! Ooh!

What's the matter?

Oh, my back's locked in.

I can't move.

I'll fix it. Just a minute. What are you going to do? It's just a matter of

finding the right vertebrae. And I went... Ah!

There you are.

That would have cost you ten guineas in my history.

Come on, you two.

Breakfast's ready.

What do you think you're doing?

Well, we're sitting down to have our breakfast.

Oh, no, you're not.

Well, you don't think we're going to have it standing up, do you? Have you

washed? No, no, we haven't. Well, don't you usually wash before breakfast?

We don't usually wash before dinner.

Well, you're not sitting at my table without washing.

A clean day deserves a clean face.

Here's a tail leash. Just don't argue.

No wash, no breakfast.

Nothing there.

What do you mean, not in there? You're not washing in that sink. I just cleaned

it. We haven't got a bathroom, Queenie. I know. You'll find a basin of water

outside.

Outside? Yes, come on, hurry up. You'll have your breakfast cold.

And wash behind your ears.

No, no, no, Sid.

Oh, Blarley, she's a menace. Yeah, well, stop moaning. You're only making it

worse, aren't you? Well, it's ridiculous. I mean, she's treating us

making us wash out here.

Next thing you know, she'll want to inspect our fingernails.

Well, it's Friday night I'm worried about when we take our bath.

Well, she's not inspecting anything of mine then.

Hang on.

It's very, very refreshing to eat.

I can have my breakfast.

Oh, yes, much.

Just a minute.

Let me see your fingernails.

Right, you can sit down now.

Thank you very much.

Now, what about Grace?

Grace who?

Before meals.

Oh, that Grace.

Who normally says it? Well, Sid normally does the honours. Oh, come on, Sid, say

Grace.

For what we're about to nosh.

Thank you very much.

Is that the revised version, sir?

Here we are, then. Hold your plates up.

I'll take it all back.

You've never seen porridge like that before.

If you don't mind, I'll skip the porridge. It's a bit too heavy for me.

porridge isn't heavy.

Then why has it cracked the plate?

That's not cracked. It's a hair.

Oh, gosh.

Now, don't be so fatty. Get it down, you.

It'll do you good. I'm going to go and start on that living room.

Look at that.

Sid!

I think it's setting.

Give me your plate. What are you going to do? I'm going to throw it away. No,

no, no.

You're not going to eat it, are you? Yes, you're coming at me for pointing

walls.

Oh, look, Sid.

We can't thank Queenie for a fortnight, right?

You're quite right.

She's got to go. Yes.

And you're going to tell her.

Me?

Oh, I couldn't do that. She's an old lady. I might upset her or something.

All right.

I'll tell her. Yeah.

You tell her.

Yeah, well, it's very nice to want to have a chat, Sidney, but I haven't got

time. There's a lot to do. Yeah, well, never mind about that. Put it down. Come

on, please, Sidney. Oh, well, all right, just for a minute.

Just sit down here.

Yeah. Here, sit down. Yeah.

Adam, you know that Vic and I appreciate you coming to visit us.

Oh, you've no need to thank me. Yeah, well, sit down, sit down. You see, the

point is that we don't want you to do all this work. Oh, well, I'm only too

happy to do it. Well, sit down. I said, like, you know, we do appreciate you.

Sit down a minute, quick.

Queenie, sit down.

Sit down, Queenie. What is it, Sid?

You've got something on your mind.

Yes. Well, Queenie, you're on holiday, aren't you? Yeah, that's right. Yeah,

well, I mean, what kind of a holiday is it if you haven't it all is cleaning up

for Vic and me? Oh, I'm having a lovely time.

Oh. What about your husband?

Who, Bert? Yes. Oh, he's away on business.

Well, haven't you got any children?

Yes and no.

What do you mean, yes and no?

Well, Bert and me, we did have a little baby, but...

It was during the Depression and Bert was away and there was no money and I

desperate and it was Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve? Yeah.

So I wrapped it up and left it on the steps of an orphanage.

An orphanage? Yeah.

In Sydney Street.

I'm going to have another go at my porridge.

Sid!

Sid! What do you want?

What are you lurking in the loo for?

Is Queenie about?

If you mean your mother, she's upstairs making the bed.

Now then, what did she say when you told her? I haven't told her.

Oh, why not?

Well, I don't want to rush it. I mean, it's come as a bit of a shock to find

related to somebody so rough and common.

Well... She'll soon get used to it. Not me, the slut. I'm coming in quick.

Sure. Now, there's no way to talk about your mother, Sid.

Remind me, she's a far cry from Lady Chichester.

Oh, please.

What about Daddy, then? Who's he?

I don't know. He seems to travel a lot. He's always away.

What's to take after him? Ah, you know, Sid, when I think about it, finding out

Queenie's your mother, it's marvellous.

When I think about it, it's frightening.

And I think you ought to tell her.

Yes. I can't keep putting it off, can I? You owe it to her, Sidney.

Right, well, got to get it over with.

That's right, Bert, Clover Farm.

Now, of course they won't mind you coming down to stay with me.

Right, I'll see you this afternoon.

Ta -ra.

Hello,

boys. Queenie, I want to have a chat. Will you sit down, please? Oh, you're

of your little chats, aren't you?

Sit down.

Right. Oh, go on.

Well?

Yeah, well, go on, Sid, go on.

Haven't you got any work to do?

No, no, no.

Yes, well, I've got something I want to tell you.

Yes, and I've got something I want to tell you.

You have?

Yeah, Bert's coming.

Bert? My Bert.

Oh. You see, he came home earlier, found out where I was and phoned.

He's at the station.

I've asked him to come down. I hope you don't mind. No, of course we don't.

Like a family reunion, won't it? And we're looking forward to meeting him,

aren't we, Sidney?

Oh, yes, very much, yes. Oh, well, that's all right, then. You see, I

expect him home for another month, but he got time off for good behaviour.

Oh, well, that's... That's very nice of him.

Yeah, he always behaves himself when he's inside.

Inside?

Don't tell me he's a convict.

A trustee, if you don't mind.

Yes, Sid, your knife's gone a funny colour.

Oh, I do hope I haven't shocked you. No, no, no, Sid's very broad -minded,

aren't you, Sid? Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Well, I mean, even respectable people go to prison these days. I mean,

it's no crime to go to prison, is it? I mean, for all we know, Bert got nicked

for something he didn't do. You're quite right, Sid. He was nicked for something

he didn't do.

What was it he didn't do? He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the gas meter.

Well... I mean, you see there, you know, I see it.

None of us is perfect. We're all entitled to one lapse or another. I

least he'll have learned his lesson, won't he?

I mean, he won't make the same mistake again, will he? No, he won't. Oh.

I've knitted him a pair of gloves.

Don't tell me he makes a habit of nobbling gas meters.

Oh, why not? It's his trade, isn't it? It's all he knows.

What did I tell him? He went straight.

Well, it's very nice of you to be so nice about that and me.

Don't mention it. Well, what was it you wanted to tell me?

Well, Bert's coming in a minute, isn't he? Yeah, just at any minute, yeah.

well, I'd better wait till he gets here, because it concerns you both. Well,

couldn't you tell me now?

Yeah, you tell her now, Sid. Go on. All right, I will.

It's about that baby you left at the orphanage. Oh, don't mention anything

that to Bert.

Why not?

He doesn't know.

But he must know. He was the father, wasn't he? Oh, yeah, but he was away at

time. You know what I mean.

Yes, I've got a pretty good idea, yeah.

So I never told him.

being married and you never mentioned it?

I've never married.

You've never what?

Well, we never seemed to get round to it. We made the arrangements a couple of

times, but Bert kept on having to go away.

Oh, here's my bag. It's in. Oh, excuse me a minute.

Your past is catching up with you now, Sid.

Never married.

I've often been called one, but I never knew I was.

Now, you cheer up, Sid.

The next man through that door will be your father.

He is not that.

Tell me that.

Sid?

Go away. Leave me alone.

Come on out.

I am not coming out. I'm never coming out again.

Look, you've got to sooner or later if only let somebody else go in.

as Bonnie and Clyde.

If you mean your mother, she said she was going out shopping.

You sure she didn't say shoplifting?

And Daddy's got his feet up in the living room now. Are you going to tell

now? No, I'm not going to tell him. I don't want him to know. I don't want

anybody to know. I'm trying to forget it myself.

He's not so terrible. Of course he's terrible. It's a stigma, isn't it?

No, not nowadays.

People are taking notes of things like that.

I mean, you're the same old Sid.

Though legally you are. Don't keep saying that.

I know exactly what I am.

Well, look, if you're so worried about it, it needs to become legitimate.

Oh. Well, you see, a child is no longer illegitimate when the parents marry.

No matter if it's years after.

Is that so?

Of course.

All you've got to do is get them to marry.

You're right.

Yeah. You're absolutely right.

That's it, yes.

Well, I mean, it's time they got married, isn't it? They've been courting

over 40 years.

A nice drop of scotch you've got here.

Yeah, you should know. You finished your bottle.

Right, well, I'd like to have a word with you.

Yes, son.

Son? Yeah. Why do you call me son?

Ah, just a figure of speech, and I call everybody son.

Oh. Of course, sir. Anyway, I reckon I'm old enough to be your father, eh? Oh,

good.

Well, what is it, son? Well, it's personal.

Yes, go on, go on. Yes, I mean, it's about you and Queenie. Yeah, well, what

about me and Queenie? Well, Queenie told me that you and her aren't married.

That's right.

Well, you've got to get married.

Got to? Yes, got to. I'm only out of the nick after nine months. The Jezebel.

Who put her in the club?

She's not in that club, you silly old twit.

I just feel that she would like to be married.

Ah, we don't want to follow that nonsense. It's a waste of money.

I'll pay.

You? Yes.

Flowers and chars and all? Yes.

And a big booze up after? Yes, yes, yes. Honeymoon?

Honeymoon? After 12 years, 40 years living over the brush?

You can't have a wedding without a honeymoon.

All right, all right. A week in Southend.

A fortnight in Torquay.

Southend and like it.

Suit yourself.

I'm not fussy about getting married. All right, all right.

A fortnight in Torquay.

That's very kind of you, son.

Now look here, I can't let you pay for it all. I must contribute something.

Here, hold on to that there.

There you are.

Five knickers with a shillings.

Shillings? No.

Out of somebody's gas meter. That's correct.

I'm not taking it. It's stolen money.

No, it's not.

It's out of your meter.

Yeah. Two second -class tickets to Gretna Green.

Two returns to Torquay.

You're in the Seaview Boarding House, central heating and no metres.

Oh. Well, how do I look?

Oh, marvellous. Gordon knows how much it's cost me.

Can't let the happy couple go without a little toast, can we? Oh, you know, Sid,

I'll never thank you enough for doing all this, but I still don't quite

understand why.

Tell him, Sid. Yes. Well, I didn't really do it just for you. I mean, do

remember you told me about a certain Christmas Eve in Sydney Street?

You mean when she left our nipper at the orphanage?

How did you know about that?

I found out loud, but I didn't say anything because I thought when you

to know, you'd tell me. Oh.

Yes, well, anyway, Sid, that is one of the reasons I want you to get married,

that your baby would be legitimate.

What a lovely thought.

Yeah. Tell him the other reason, Sid.

Have you ever wondered what happened to your baby?

Oh, yeah, many a time, but it was a long time ago.

That kitty will have grown up by now and made a life for itself. I wouldn't want

to interfere.

I mean, look at us. That and me.

It'd be a bit of a shock to anyone, wouldn't it, to find out they're us as

parents.

Yes, well, do you realise it was 45 years ago you left that baby at the

orphanage? Yeah, that's right.

I was left at an orphanage 45 years ago.

There's a coincidence.

If I told you that I was that baby, would you think that was a coincidence?

No, a bloody miracle.

That was a girl.

Yes. We'll come and visit you every month.

Ah, isn't that lovely, then, eh? Well, let's have a little drink, shall we,

To the bride and groom.

To our new...

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