All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S03E20.1080p.WEB.h264-NOMA_track3_[eng]

ADULT ADAM: In the '80s,
gym class was not

the politically correct,

supportive environment
we know today.

[BLOWING WHISTLES] To say the least,
it was humiliating.

Using these
state-sanctioned calipers,

I will rank you
by weight and girth.

Let's grab that flab.

And it wasn't just our
awkward bodies being judged.

It was also our
athletic skill.

Or lack thereof.

A-ha! Didn't make it
to the wall in time.

Assume the position.

They don't call it "butts up"
for nothing.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

How is this a sport?

But the greatest
indignity of all,

the sadistic ritual
of picking teams.

Sposato.

In a public shaming,

the strong
were separated from the weak.

My friends and I
were always chosen last

for obvious reasons.

I'll take Sirota.

Sweet! The kid picked third-to-last

was known as
the "I don't know."

I don't know.
Dave Kim.

Yes! I'm not the worst!

Second-to-last
was the "I guess."

Goldberg, I guess.

A fine choice.

The only thing worse
than being picked last
were the games,

where the athletic ruled

and the scrubs
desperately wished to go
under the radar.

Don't pass to me!
Don't pass to me!

Don't pass to me!

[GASPING] What?

Goldberg,
you're the worst.

I welcome the feedback.

[REGAL MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS] But luckily,
for kids like me,

there was another world
where we were champions...

Dungeons & dragons.

Long before Xbox,
there was a role-playing game

with 20-sided dice
and a dungeon master

who led you on adventures
using books

filled with
monsters and treasure.

The firenewt is
coming for you,
Gribald the unreasonable.

I use my potion
of fire resistance. [DICE THUDS]

It works. Yes!

Oh, no. Not this game.

I heard all about it
on "60 minutes."

A stuffy southern reverend
said it's the gateway

to black magic.

Don't worry, guys.
I got this.

Okay, Mama,
I won't play the thing

that makes my heart happy.

You bewitched me,
you little devil.

[SMOOCHING]

Look away.
I'm doing this for us.

BEVERLY: Dungeons & snuggles!

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

I'm a little devil,
and I like kisses.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was April 6,
1980-something,

and my sister's plan
for her future

was about to rock our mother
to her very core.

Mom,
insanely great news.

I'm gonna do what you want
and stay in state for college.

In state?
That's where I live.

[CHUCKLES] Yes. Good. CMU it is.

Where in Philadelphia
is CMU?

Um, Carnegie Mellon's
only like a little bit west.

How far west?

Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh?
No. Too far.

You're the worst daughter
in the world.

Come on, Mom.
It's a great school
with an amazing music program.

No, you're gonna go to JFA
right here in town.

We discussed this.
I am not going to
the Jenkintown Funk Academy.

Oh, so now you're too good
for the funk. Huh.

Yes, the funk is in
a mini-mall

between a dry cleaner
and a balloon shop.

[SCOFFS]Come on, Mom.

Even Mr. Glascott said
CMU is perfect for me.

At least hear him out.

And then undermine
and overpower him.

Okay. Sure thing.
Set that meeting.

Dad, you need
to come with us.

Mom is in full
sabotage mode.

This is my dream.

And it's my dream
to have one less moron
living in this house.

I'll help you. Aw.

I'll go, too.
College is a nonstop party.

You never even
went to college, Al.

Yes, but I just watched
Back to school

with Rodney Dangerfield.

It's about
this delightful old scamp

who goes back to school,
and it's hilarious,

'cause let's face it,

a guy that old
doesn't go back to school.

But he does!

He goes back to school,
but good.

Are you done? I don't have to be.

While Erica and my dad
were struggling

to get my mom on board,

my friends were fighting their
way through enemy territory.

As you climb
out of the pit,

a band of marauding orcs
awaits you.

Mondragor, your move.

Earth to Mondragor.

Sorry, guys. I can't stop
thinking about gym class.

We've been picked last
for years.

It's bull crap. Relax, dude.

The athletes rule now,
but once we hit high school,

our brains and elegance
will be valued.

Really? For sure.

Until then,
back to the orc attack.

More like dork attack!
Nice.

Oh, God.

Face the facts,
un-cool & the gang,
you guys are doomed.

When did you even
sit down?

My point is, you guys
got to figure out a way

to not get picked last
before you're in high school.

Otherwise,
you'll never date,

you'll never love,
you'll never have joy.

Later.

What if your mean-spirited
brother's right?

I can't be bottom
of the social chain
in high school.

And just because
I'm the coolest one
in our group

doesn't mean anything
in the outside world.

Okay, that settles it.

We're gonna break
the cycle of dorkdom.

But how? I'll tell ya how!

Tomorrow,
I shall storm Mellor's office

and demand an end
to our oppression!

ALL: Huzzah!

Huzzah! No!

Come on. Please.

Picking teams
has been the same

since the dawn
of physical education.

The awesome jocks choose kids
in descending order

of athletic ability.
What is the problem?

The problem is
the rest of us suffer.

Turns out,
gym class will determine

how society views us
for the rest of our lives.

People...
Really think that?

Of course.

Don't you realize
gym is the most important
class there is?

Well, I know that.

It's just,
when the English department

doesn't invite you out
for bowling night,

it...really gets
in your head.

You hold the power, Coach.

Whatever you choose
here today

could change the course
of our whole lives.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Let's do it.

Tomorrow, you'll be
the team captain,

and you can choose
all your nerd friends first.

Sounds great,
except for the part
where you called us nerds.

Losers it is, then!

Tomorrow,
the hierarchy of the
physical-education world

will be turned
upside down,

and all you dregs, dipwads,
and dweebs, rejoice!

I had won over
Coach Mellor,

but my mom was hoping to
sway Mr. Glascott to her team.

Have to admit,
I love it when an
entire family comes together

to discuss a young lady's
journey to college.

So any first thoughts?

Yes, uh... [BLEEP]
that [BLEEP].

Okay, hot out of the gate.

So you came
to voice some concerns.

I hope you're here
to keep this
conversation civil.

I'll do what I can. Gotcha.

Uh, I'm still not sure
what the gentleman in the
corner is doing here.

I'm considering
going back to school myself.

Ignore him.
He saw a movie.

Can we talk about CMU now?

Look, I know
it's scary sending

your baby out into the world,

but this college can turn
your little girl
into a leader.

And in that moment, my mom saw
more than just a brochure.

She saw the chance to make all
of Erica's dreams come true.

It, uh...does look a bit nicer
than the funk academy.

While my dad saw the reality

of a world
without his princess.

Who are these guys?

Who are these guys?

Who are those guys?

And pops just felt ripped off.

I don't see any hot tubs
in the dorms.

Are there hot tubs
in the dorms?

Look! You can study abroad.
I could go to Paris!

I've always wanted
to go to Paris.

Wait a minute. Now she's going
to a whole other country?

Erica, I...

I didn't realize
how wrong I'd been.

I want this for you, sweetie,
all of it.

Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.

Let's go sign up
for a tour.

Well, looks like
my work here is over.

It is over,
'cause there's no way

I'm letting my pumpkin
go to this hellhole.

But look at the girl
in the pamphlet.

She's smiling under a tree
with the boy
in the wheelchair.

Aw, look at him.
He's holding a book.

Okay, compromise.

The moron boys
can get the hell out,

but my little peanut,
she's going to school
in Philadelphia.

I get it.

I got a bird.
She's my princess.

If she flew away,
I don't know what I would do.

Wait.
Where are you going?

What's with the getup?

Is there, like,
a sports musical
you're starring in?

Little production called
gym class,

and Coach Mellor's letting me
be the leading man.

He made you captain?

This is a game changer.

You got to pick smart.

For sure.
First my boy Sirota,

then Dave Kim, Tiny Tyler,

Lanky Hank,
and the foreign-exchange kid

who knows nothing
of our customs.

No! This is the only time
you'll ever be captain.

You can't pick the wienies.

You got to pick the winners,
earn their respect.

This is a defining moment
for you, bro.

Barry made
a convincing argument,

but there was no way
I'd pick the athletes

over my best friends...

I'll take Corbett,
Big Luke Schmidt, Spink,
and Taz money.

...But I found a way.

Dude, what the hell
did you just do to us?

Don't worry.

Good news is,
I'm climbing the social ladder

by stepping on you guys.

It'll take a while,
and I'll have to be

mean to you at first...
Super-mean...

But one day,
we'll all be cool.

Me first, though.I don't like
your plan at all.

Oh, please, Dave Kim,
you'd do the
exact same thing.

No way.

My allegiance would
always be to my friends

and Sergei
the exchange student.

Ja! This betrayal will not stand.

Much like
Revenge of the nerds,,

We will dig deep and use
our brains to defeat you
once and for all.

ALL: Yeah! Yeah!

But there would be no revenge.

♪ Basketball
is my favorite sport

♪ I like the way
they dribble up
and down the floor

♪ Just like I was a king
on the microphone

♪ So was Dr. J
And Moses Malone

♪ I like slam dunks
and taking it to the hoop

♪ My favorite play
still is the alley-oop

♪ I like the pick-and-roll,
I like the give-and-go ♪

[CHUCKLES] Nice assist, Goldie.

All you, Taz money.

Yes. Well done,
Adam the betrayer.

Come on, Dave Kim.
I'll make it up to you.

Switch teams. That's a no.

After picking
the best players,

I was finally crushing
at gym class.

Also crushed
my friends' spirits.

Enough! This game
has made a mockery
of physical education.

Now, I'm not gonna
name names, but there's
a young man in here

with big ideas
and small conviction.

Adam. Is Adam.

That's right, foreign kid.

Coach was sold a bill
of goods on how
to make this class fair,

and he will deliver
on that promise.

So, next class, we'll have
the same teams,

but, Dave Kim,
you pick the game.

It can be anything you want.

Chess, word puzzles,
something with a calculator.

All right, then.
I choose dungeons & dragons.

[STUDENTS GASPING]

What's happening?
Why is half the class gasping?

Tournament module. [ALL GASPING]

What he said, then. Okay.

Then... And the winners
get free pizza and
losers run laps.

I'm gonna eat
so much pepperoni.

One slice per kid.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

ADULT ADAM: After deciding
Carnegie Mellon was
too far for Erica,

my dad had an idea for
a different college choice...

One a lot closer to home.

What the hell, Murray?

I know you're exploring your
many options for next year,

but the way I see it,
there's just one.

Yeah, CMU.

Goldberg U.

Why go to college
hundreds of miles away

when you can enjoy
the comforts of campus life

right here at home?

ADULT ADAM:
And so began the worst
college tour of all time.

The school cafeteria.

It did not start out strong...

Shrimp parm
three times a week.

And then it got worse...

Our state-of-the-art
dorm room.

Much worse...

And don't forget
our school mascot,

the mighty Cockapoo.

And finally
downright stupid.

Here's our student lounge.

Oh, look!

One of our esteemed
faculty has stopped by.

I can't get over it.

He throws a party
in his dorm room

after specifically
being told not to.

We can't fire him.
He's got tenure.

But the point is,
you are going to Goldberg U.

Wait, so you spent
your whole life

saying you wanted
your kids out of the house,

and now you want me
to stay forever?

Yes.

Well, I didn't apply,
and also, this
isn't a school.

Murray, I'm usually
the irrational one

who keeps our children from
enjoying their lives, not you.

All right,
look at this movie.

That's what college is.

Do you want Erica
to end up in a hot tub

with an elderly businessman?

Okay, you're
kind of taking

some of the tickle
out of the movie for me.

Our daughter deserves
a first-class education.

She needs to
experience life.

She can experience it here
where she's safe

and we can protect her.

End of words!

Good. Now I can finally hear
Back to School.

What is it with you
and this movie?

He's living the dream.

I mean, what parent
wouldn't want

to go back to school
with his kid?

But a parent
can't really do that.

But he does.

He does?

ADULT ADAM: At my mom
was putting together a plan,

I was planning
a D&D victory.

Okay, it's been two hours,
and there's been

a lot of wrestling
and confusion on
why D&D is a thing,

but here we are,
so let's just continue.

Zinethar the priest,
your move.

My move is,
I change my name
to Dick Biggens.

[LAUGHTER]

You can't change your name.

Yeah!

I meant you're facing
a deadly, gelatinous cube.

How do you evade it?

Evade it? Let's kick
that Jell-O's ass.

Yeah.Yeah.

It's a gelatinous cube.

If you attack it,
it'll slurp you up
and digest you alive.

Sweet! Look at that
busty hot chick.

[LAUGHTER]ADAM:
That's not a chick.

It's a Dryad,
a deadly tree sprite.

Can my guy
make out with her?

I want to make out
with her, too.

What do I got to roll? Fine.

A dryad suddenly appears.

If you roll a 20,
you can kiss her.

If not, we move on.

[BLOWS]

Oh! Oh!

Yeah! Yeah!

I take her back
to my apartment,
and we do stuff.

BOYS: Ooh.

There's no apartment.

If you won't let me get busy
with the tree lady,

then I stab the Jell-O man
in his face.

And you're paralyzed
and slowly eaten alive.

End of game. I've heard enough.

Time for Barry to fix this.

Where did he come from?

He does that.

Just go away.
This is hopeless.

That's where you're wrong.

The only problem is,
you guys don't speak
the same language.

You speak lazy-eyed nerd,

and, like me, you speak
awesome, all-star athlete.
Tater "T"?

Score. Yeah, man.

I like this, bro.

Of course you do.

Even though
I'm ripped like you,

my body has also
been infected

by my brother's
crippling geekery.

I tried to fight it,
but it's too powerful.

And it's led to this.

[SIGHS]

Dude, you created
a D&D character?

BARRY: Lord Big of Tasty.

I wanted one ready
in case you asked me to play,

but... You never did.

I just assumed
you didn't care.

Point is, if this
crazy-jacked bro

can learn how to play D&D,

other super-shredded
bros can, too.

I mean, sure, we're shredded,
but we suck at this game.

Adam keeps yelling at us
and hurting our feelings.

That's 'cause you used
a lightning-bolt spell

in an underwater melee
like a bunch of scrubs.

We're trying our best.

We're just not good
at it like you.

Do you have any idea how
it feels to... to suck so bad?

Actually, I do...
When I play basketball.

I, I didn't know that.

Yeah, man. Sorry.

All right. Lord Big of Tasty,
teach us how to win.

I shall.
But first...

Coming off the top rope!

ALL: Oh!

Hey, boopie.

Go away.

Look, I wanted to apologize
for your dad.

Some people
just don't understand

the boundary between
parent and child.

Are you high
on nail polish?

I never went to college.

This whole thing
has made me realize

everything I missed out on,
and at the end of the day,

I couldn't bear it
if you missed out
on those things, too.

Really?

Trust me,
college is gonna be amazing.

We are gonna have
so much fun.

Oh, my God.
Thank you s...

Wait. "We"?

Yes. Crazy story.

I was watching this movie
with Pops, and...

Please don't say
Back to School.

It was Back to School,
and I realized that
could be us.

Hmm?

No! Dad!

Wherever you are sitting
or eating in this house,

come to my room
immediately.

It's an emergency.

I was both sitting and eating,
so this better be worth it.

I'm going to
Carnegie Mellon with Erica.

No. We're gonna be roommates.

No! We're gonna sneak in

a hot plate
to cook ramen soup.

Never! And then we're gonna

rush the same sorority.

This is a nightmare.

And I'll be her mother
and her sister.

Kill me.She's right, Beverly.

You're acting nuts.

Yes. Thank you.

'Cause she's obviously
not going away at all.

Erica's staying here
and being my little peanut.

What is wrong
with you people?

Seriously,
I get no respect!

No respect.

That's exactly what
Rodney Dangerzone says.

See?
We are on the same team.

No, we're not.

If either of you
were on my team,

you would actually hear
my hopes and dreams

and not try to take them away
or make them about you.

So just forget
all of it.

I won't go to college
at all.

Wow.

I guess we both
really blew it here, huh?

Mostly you.

ADULT ADAM: As my parents
were facing off against Erica,

our school gym
was about to witness

the face-off of a lifetime.

Looks like Goldberg
and his merry band
of meatheads

are a no show.

Congrats, boys.

You just earned yourself
a cheese pizza.

I have been
in real dungeon.

♪ We're Playing D&D

ADULT ADAM: But we did show...
Ready to roll... Some dice.

♪ We Love That D&D Dungeons & dragons, anyone?

Whatever.
By the end of this game,

you guys aren't
gonna know what end

of the Staff of the Magi
you're holding.

Well, if you're
casting confusion,

the Staff of the Magi
gives the user a plus-two

on saves versus magic,
so, uh, good luck with that.

[GASPS]
They've learned our ways.

Enough talk.
Let the battle begin.

[BLOWS WHISTLE] ♪ D&D Is My Favorite Game

♪ I like the way you battle,
but you use your brain

♪ Just like I'm the king
of the bolt and sword

ALL: Yeah! ♪ Fighting ogres and orcs
and the monster hoard

♪ I roll the dice
and then I lead my crew

Dude!Oh!

♪ No dungeon master
can scare my crew ♪

I cast cure light wounds.

I draw my Staff of Striking.

Lightning bolt!
Lightning bolt!

Thank you,
Cloak of Displacement.

Corbett, you're dead.

Taz Money, the basilisk
turns you to stone.

Face!

Sirota, you're out.

Come on, DM.

What kind of call
is that?

ADULT ADAM:
That day, the most
amazing thing happened.

It was no longer
jocks versus scrubs.

We were a class united
in one belief...

D&D was awesome. ALL: Yeah!

It was the greatest game
ever played in any gym class,

and we loved it.

Except for Coach Mellor,

who didn't realize
it would last four hours.

It's 6:30 PM.
I just want my life back.

In the end,
two were left standing...

me and the friend I betrayed.

Our D&D game was ending,

and with one last move,

I would become
a gym-class hero.

All right, Goldfarb,
as you reach the soul gem,

you find a gelatinous cube
slowly oozing towards you.

Take the gem.

Finish it up, Goldberg. Easy lay-up.

Go ahead, betrayer. End it.

Don't act like that.

Me and my boys
won this fair and square.

It's not about
winning, man.

D&D was the one thing
we were good at,

and now...

You took that away, too.

Take the gem
and win the game already.

Please.

I raise my sword...

and toss it aside

and swan-dive directly into
the gelatinous cube.

[GASPING] Adam, no!

What? Are you crazy? No, no.

Everybody, shut up.

You do realize you'll die
if you touch the Jell-O thing.

I touch the Jell-O.

No! Stop!

I touch the Jell-O!

I touch the Jell-O!

And you're dead.
Dave Kim's team wins.

Somebody clean this up.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Good game.

I don't get it.

You finally had their respect.
Why give it up?

[TENDERNESSPLAYS] I guess it's not
their respect I want.

ADULT ADAM:
And so, that day,
I fell on my sword

to save something
much more important,

and my parents realized
letting go was more important

than holding on.

Hey, squishy.
Can we talk?

Oh, God, I'm gonna cry.
Murray, you talk.

[SIGHS] Rough start.

Look, you know how
I sometimes say to you kids

that I want you
out of the house?

Only three to five
times a day.

Yeah, well, the reason is
it always seemed so far away.

Then I blinked
and here we are,

And... I guess
I just wasn't ready for it.

♪ But I was scared to go
much further with it

And don't worry.

I won't go
to college with you.

Unless you want me to.

Never. You'll sleep on it.

ADULT ADAM: That day,
my parents started
to let their peanut go,

and me and my new friends
realized it didn't matter

if you're picked
first or last

'cause we're all
on the same team.

Should've cast a reverse
gravity spell, Holmes.

♪ Just half a chance

That's pretty impressive.

Thanks. [CHUCKLES]

♪ Next night you're not

BARRY: What?

You got psionic powers

and you're attacking
with a dagger?

What a dork.

Barry, this is the third time
you've walked by.

Do you, like,
want to join us?

[LAUGHS]

Let's do this, boys.

ADULT ADAM: That's the thing
about the adventure of life.

It doesn't matter
if you win or lose.

It's who you have
along for the ride.

♪ Is your love
like a button? ♪

Stop! I don't want you
filming me, all right?

Stop!

Lord Big of Tasty,
in the clearing,

you encounter a she-wolf.

Fight or flee?

I do a few push-ups to get
pumped up, and I ask her out.

For sure. Yeah, boy.

Boom! [LAUGHS]

But then, suddenly,
her smokin' hot twin sister's

also there, and she's like,
"Hey, why don't we all party?"

And then we hop into the wolf
hot tub that's also there.

There's no wolf hot tub!

Come on, DM.

Fine. If you roll a 20,

it's the best night
of your life.

[BLOWS]

One. Damn it!

The she-wolves eat you.

Anyone want to
play Monopoly?