All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S03E12.1080p.WEB.h264-NOMA_track3_[eng]

ADULT ADAM:
Back in the '80s before
we could easily text money

to any charity we wished,
we had the world-famous
charity craze

that completely
swept the entire country.

Hands Across America.
It's happening
this weekend,

and you will not make
coach look bad.

All right, listen up.

This limited-edition,
government-issued visor

means that I have been
personally appointed
regional captain

because I volunteered.

It is my duty to make sure
everybody in this town

forms a human chain
to stop the homeless.

Questions.

Goldberg.

Isn't it kind of mean
to form a chain

and not let
the homeless people
pass through?

That was
my first thought, too,

but it was explained to me
that we would be allowing

the homeless to come
and go as they please.

Goldberg again.

Still confused.

Um, how does holding hands
help anyone?

Hello. Everyone
in America is gonna
hold hands at once

to show we are
symbolically unified

in our fight
to end homelessness.

It's beautiful, really.

Hell, I wish I had
more than two hands.

Yes, we get it.

You're the
socially aware girl.

No reason to showboat
about it, other Goldberg.

I'll stop talking.

Now, in the spirit
of the event,

let's hit the floor
and practice.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Let's go! Move it!

Grab and squeeze, people!

Interlace those fingers!

Engage every digit!

I want to see hustle,
and I want
to see determination!

Yeah! Let me feel it!

There it is.
A chain.

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *

ADULT ADAM: It was the
second Wednesday of the month,
1980-something,

and the Harvest Hop
was coming up.

It was the first dance
where you had
to ask someone.

I mean, seriously,
why do I have to wait

for some meathead
to ask me
to a lame-ass dance?

Because that's how
society works.

Count me out.

Well, I have it
on good authority

that Adam Abel is going
to ask someone today.

(SCOFFS) I could give
a crap about that nerd.

(GASPS)
He's coming this way.

Go, go, go!

Hey.

Pam, you, um, have a date
to the dance and stuff?

PAM: (CHUCKLES) No.

Are you okay?

(BLOWS RASPBERRIES)

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Why wouldn't I be?

(SOBBING)

You sure you're okay?
No, genius.

I'm like the only girl
who didn't get asked.

That's
freaking humiliating.

Well, you can always
go with your awesome
best friend.

Ew.

Stop!
It'll be fun.

We can goof on everyone.

Dana can't fly out
to go with me.

This way
we're not total losers
without dates.

Normally, I'd roll my eyes
and punch you,

but honestly,
I'm desperate, so yes.

Dear God, yes.

Get off me, dork.

You're
a complicated person.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
the only good thing

about having
a girlfriend in Seattle

was I was completely free
to help out a friend.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Or not.

Surprise!
What? Why?

My grandma broke her hip,
so my parents
are letting me visit her.

So lucky.

For us.
She's bummed.

So we get to go
to the dance!

Yeah, about the dance.

Oh, my God.
You're not excited.

You're going
with someone else?
Are we not us anymore?

No, of course we're us.

I'm going with you,
my girlfriend,
who I love.

Mmm!

I'm so excited.

Me also excited.

ADULT ADAM: As I was reeling
from my two dates
to the dance,

my mom was reeling
after a visit
with Virginia Kremp.

BEVERLY: Is that
your family at the
flower show again?

The Inquirer
put your picture
in the paper last year.

Oh, well, Charles won
top florist again.

His topiary of Rosa Parks
was the real star.

Well, all I know
is you got another

stunning picture
of your whole family.

You're like the freaking
Kennedys of Jenkintown.

Please, no, we're not.
Do people
really say that?

I'd give anything
to have just one photo
of me and my babies

looking that happy
on the front page
of the paper.

Well, Barry did make
the paper for that time

he got in the fight
with the service horse.

He really thought
it was his apple.

Horses are tricky.
Yeah.

ADULT ADAM:
Little did my mom know

her photo op
was right around the corner.

BEVERLY: Oh, my God.

Are you two
crafting together?

By choice?

No, no, no, calm down.
We're not crafting.

We're just making art
with construction paper,

markers, and glitter
for public display.

That's crafting.

Fine, we're crafting.

We need to spread the word
about Hands Across America.

Yeah, I don't know
about that whole thing.

Hands have germs.

Think of all those colds
passing across the country

like a big
bacteria highway. Ugh.

Whatever. I'm doing it
because it'll help
people in real need.

And I'm doing it
for the celebrity contact.

Hoping to hold hands
with Heather Locklear.

No. Alyssa Milano.

No. KITT, the car
from Knight Rider.

You can't hold hands
with a car, idiot.

I'll hold the antenna.
Wait a minute.

Celebrities
are doing this?

Yeah, downtown Philly
actually nabbed Scott Baio.

From Happy Days
and Chachi In Charge?

Don't forget Zapped!

Where he uses
his magic powers
to lift girls' dresses.

Turn that off.

Point is this thing's
gonna be a huge deal.

It's literally going to be
on the front page
of all the papers.

You mean
like newspapers?

Like the kind
that take pictures
of moms and their kids?

What?

What happened?

I want to help
with Hands Across America.

Okay.
And by help, I mean

push you aside
and take over entirely.

I said okay.
Really?

I'm in way over my head.
They want me to organize,
make posters.

They gave me a pen
and a ledger.

I don't know what to do
with them.

To record the donations.

Oh, no, I...

I've been putting
everybody's cash
in a bag.

Well, there must be
thousands there.

I don't know.
I'm a gym teacher,
I'm not a count teacher.

You mean a math teacher?

I don't know.
I'm not an
English teacher, either.

Did you at least get us
a celebrity?

No, th...
We can't compete
with Philly.

Philly is the Paris
of Pennsylvania.

They got Baio.
We got jack squat.

You should go rest.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
was saving Coach Mellor,

I was racing for the one man
who always rescued me.

Dad.
Yes.

I need help.
Where's Pops?

There he is.
Thank God.

Pops, I have two dates
to the dance.

Way to go, kiddo!

No, it's a bad thing.

Oh, yeah, it is.

No, I agreed to go
with Emmy Mirsky
to cheer her up

but Dana flew in.

Then just tell Emmy
you're going with Dana.

She'll understand.
No, she won't.

A guy dissed her,
and I saw her cry
for the first time ever.

Then just tell Dana
you can't go with her.

She'll freak out
if I go with
another girl,

even if it is Emmy.

Then take them both.
They never even
have to know.

Like Peter did
on The Brady Bunch?

I Brady-bunched
two ladies at a USO dance
back in '41.

Never felt so alive.

Stop.

Nobody's
Brady-bunching anyone.

You want
some real advice?

Don't be a moron.

Seriously?
That's your advice
for everything.

It applies
to everything.

I think I'm gonna stick
with Pops' advice.

All right, time
for a TV master class

on how to juggle
two dates at once.

First up,
the gold standard...

The Brady Bunch,
and I'm Peter.

Because your weird voice
cracks just like his?

ADULT ADAM: Despite that shot
at my self-esteem,

I knew with the help
of my trusty TV shows,

I could pull off
two dates at once.

Oh, no!
Peter Brady, you blew it.

ADULT ADAM: Or so I thought.

No!
Alex P. Keaton.

ADULT ADAM: Each one
was worse than the next.

Jack's screwed!

Both women are
at the Regal Beagle.

ADULT ADAM: As we watched
the same plot done
on every show,

it became abundantly clear.

Dude,
it can't be done.

Shut up, Dave Kim!

I see that.

ADULT ADAM: As my universe
as crumbling,
my mom saw a world

where she finally got a photo
in the paper with her kids.

Yo, yo, yo, volunteers.

Who's ready to get
this homeless
party started?

Mom, what are you
doing here?

You're looking at the new
regional captain

for Hands Across America.

What happened
to Coach Mellor?

He cracked under
the pressure, but
don't worry. Mama's here.

I know how important
this is for you.

Yeah, I'm out.
Me too.
Shut it down, people.

(ALL GROAN)

Whoa, hold up.

Now that I'm involved,
you're just gonna bail?

Nothing personal.
You just make
fun things suck.

Well, that...

That is a shame because
this lady right here

just got Scott Baio

to ditch Philly
and come to J-town.

Dude, we got
Fonzie's cousin.

(ALL CHEERING)

No, everyone stop.

Mom, did you
really get Scott Baio?

I literally just got off
the phone with Scotty B.

He told me
to call him Scotty B.

And he agreed to come here
and hold hands with me.

I call the one
available hand.

No way!
The hand is mine!

Okay, this is my
future husband.
Why do you care?

'Cause he's
my future best bro.

And once Scott meets me,

he'll ditch Willie Aames
and fly me to Hollywood

so I never have to talk
to you people again.

This is bullcrap.
Just 'cause your
crazy-hot mom is in charge,

you guys both get dibs?

Please,
Mrs. Goldberg, pick me.

I really need a win.
So bad.

No, I want...
Mom, you have seen...

Scott's hand in my hand.
...his poster in my room.

I bet my hands are cooler
than yours if we held
them together.

Mrs. Goldberg...
(ALL CLAMORING)

Stop fighting.
Stop fighting.
I'll sleep on it, okay?

I'll sleep on it,
all right?

But now I have
to immediately leave...

Not to call Scott Baio
'cause I've done it.

All right, I just...
I have to go
and do a thing.

ADULT ADAM: The dance
was only a day away,

and I realized
my plan was a dead end.

Pops, I watched
all the shows.
Two dates never works.

Not even on Cheers?

Cliff had a date
with Carla and Diane
to the postman's ball.

It was
a total junk show.

See, I'm not a fan
of today's comedy.

Now, The Honeymooners...

I don't need a trip
down memory lane.

I need help,
and you said
you pulled off

the perfect
Brady Bunch. How?

Actually, the women
kind of invited me.

We've got some advice
for you.

Yeah, yeah,
don't be a moron.

If you know the advice,
why aren't you following it?

Don't worry, kiddo.
Pops always has a plan.

With my help,
you'll be the first kid
in history

to juggle two dates
at a dance.

Well, I did juggle
three grapes at camp.

You know
who's not a moron?

You're not a moron.

You're not a moron.

You're not a moron.

No.
(BABBLES)

ADULT ADAM: As Pops
was convincing me
I could pull this off,

Erica and Barry were ready
to convince our mom

that they were worthy
of Baio's hand.

Erica, what's going on?

Bad dream, mama.
Can we do spoonies?

Oh, my god, spoonies?

Get on in the
warm spot, girl.
(CHUCKLES)

Ah.

This is so nice.
Hmm.

Speaking of, um,
any thoughts
about Scott Baio?

Uh, yeah,
about that...

Knock, knock.

Who wants brekky in bed?

(GASPS)
You made mama breakfast?

Nobody cares
because I'm spending

the whole day
with my favorite lady.

You are?
Well, mom and I
are spending

the entire
weekend together.
We are?

Stop doing
what you're doing.
You stop.

You're only giving spoons
so she'll pick you
to hold Baio's hand.

Oh, and you're not?
What's with the
stupid sweater?

My favorite sweater?

Mommy made it
for my 12th birthday.

I feel so handsome,
Mommy.

You look so handsome,
schmoofers.

She's the sun.

I'm the moon.
You're the moon!

Okay, you want
to go to war?
Let's go.

Mommy, I want you
to pick out a guy for me
to date and marry.

That is my dream.
No, no, no! Not so fast.

I've been thinking about it,
and I'm gonna let you
dance with me

before I dance
with my bride
at my wedding.

That is also my dream,
but I also get to wear white.

That's non-negotiable.
Yes!

I'm gonna have five kids,

and I want you to babysit
every night and tell me
what to do.

You will live
with me forever.

I will build a mother suite
off the master bedroom

even if it severely damages
my marriage.

(GASPS)
I'm out.

It's too rich for my blood.

Yes! I win!

Oh, no,
what have I done?

Future Barry's problem.

ADULT ADAM: Despite herself,
my mom loved her kids
fighting over her.

Just one problem...

She was now pulling
a classic bail and switch
and needed a way out.

We need to talk.

Whoa, not so fast.

That was a non-sanctioned
sit-down. On your feet.

Please, I need your help.
This whole thing has
gotten away from me.

No, no, coach has washed his
hands of hands across America.

Look, all I wanted was
one photo op with my kids.

Now, they're fighting
over my love to get to Baio.

That feather-haired man-boy
is making all my dreams
come true.

That's why we need to get him
here instead of Philly.

Give up on your
Baio dreams.
It ain't happening.

It has to happen.
I told the whole school
he's coming here.

What? Why would
you do that?

I thought I could work
my Yenta magic,

but I've been calling
for three days.

Baio's people
are icing me out.

Well, how the hell
can I help?

Come on, you must have
at least one celebrity lead.

No, I'm a gym teacher.

I rotate two pairs
of shorts.

Then I guess it's over.

Unless you got out and you
get yourself a celebrity
that's better than Baio.

Better than Baio?
Is that possible?

It is with one of my patented
game-day pep talks.

Now, listen up.

It's the fourth quarter.
You're down by 1 point.

Who's gonna run the option
and take it to the big house?

Run the what?
(SIGHS)

All right.
It's 11:00 p.m.

You just got off a flight
with your family.

They're crabby.
They're hungry.

You look
in the cupboard.

Oh, all you got
is one can of tuna.

But it doesn't matter
'cause there's only
one person

that can feed
those babies tuna

and make sure they go to
sleep with full tum-tums.

Me!
You're damn right it's you.

Now go out and get yourself
the biggest celebrity

this god-forsaken town's
ever seen.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh.

Sorry. My bad, little ones.
You guys okay?

All right,
let's take a breather.
Who wants water?

ADULT ADAM: That night,
I was also on a mission.

Make a foolproof plan
to bring two dates
to the same dance.

All right, boys,
let's run this again.
What are we looking at?

The gym is 94x50 feet.

That leave us with
two large zones to
keep the girls apart.

Check.
Let's talk song list.

We're looking at 16 songs
lasting 2 hours and 6 minutes
including The Time Warp.

Okay, let's do a dry run.
Adam.

The Terrordrome
is our battlefield.

I'm Michelangelo.

Dana is Princess Leia.

Emmy's the Hulk.

Copy! Song 1?

Like A Prayer, Madonna.

Dana and I dance.

Then I say I got to hit
the bathroom and
run to Emmy.

Song 2?
Careless Whisper,
Wham!

I tell Emmy
I'll grab her punch

then run back to Dana
for a slow dance.

I interrupt and pretend
I lost my contact lens.

I leave to help Dave Kim,
then book it back to Emmy.

See that?
Working as a team together.

Trust me...
This whole thing is wired.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

What the hell?
'Sup, jerk?

Balls.

You didn't know
she was staying with me?

Balls' balls.

Hello, my name is Dave Kim.
I lost my contact lens.

Dana, can you help me
find it for 8 to 10 minutes
out of earshot?

Not now, Dave Kim.
It's gone to hell.

We didn't even make it
out of the house.

I know. I know!
Two dates can't be done!

Dude, he's created a whole
nerd world to plot against us.

This is super-creepy,
Adam.

My God, did you
make me the Hulk?

Yes, but only 'cause I don't
like you when you're angry.

This is so scheming
and disrespectful.

No, please, don't start
doubting my character.

Group hug?
Ugh, just leave us
alone, liar.

(SIGHS)

Okay. New advice...
Lay low.

Now, that,
I can pull off.

ADULT ADAM:
But that was impossible
'cause the next day,

literally everyone
in the country gathered
for Hands Across America.

Adam, over here!
It's your Mama.

So instead, I hid.

Don't ignore me.
I'm regional captain.

I deserve respect.
No, no, no.

Shh! I'm hiding
in the shadows, okay?

What are you
talking about?

Today is the day
that me and my kids

finally get on the front page
of the newspaper.

All of us...
No exceptions.

Yes, I'll hide
with you people.

Block my head with
your enormous hair.

I'm so nervous for Baio.

My hands are super-sweaty
but soft.

I've been
moisturizing all day.
So where is he?

Yeah, where's
the Scottster anyway?
Oh, my God, no!

You can't lure Scott
with your off-the-shoulder
crop top and short skirt.

You really think I would use
my young feminine form to get
Scott Baio's attention?

I do look good,
though, right?

Uh, actually, I have
some good news, bad news.

Uh, the bad news
is baio's not coming.

What?
You monster!

No, stop it.

I actually got
a bigger celebrity.

Michael Jackson?
Rob Lowe?

Jermaine Jackson.

Better. I have the
most famous person
in Philadelphia history.

Please give a warm
Hands Across America welcome
to Ben Franklin.

Good morrow,
fellow colonists.

I am founding father,
Benjamin Franklin.

Allow me to gaze upon you
through my bifocals,

which I invented in 1784.

Why is this thing
still talking?

Ooh, the paper's here.
Okay, everybody,
hold hands and sing.

Bev, I don't think the rest of
the country is ready just yet.

You never even had
Scott Baio, did you?

No time to talk.
All right, Adam...

Stop hiding in my hair.

Ooh! Emmy, Dana, come and hold
hands and take a picture.

We'd rather not.
They'd really rather not.

Okay, well,
it's not a choice.

Every hand not held
is another homeless family.

I don't think...
Okay, just do it,
just do it, just do it.

Photographers!
Smile, smile.
Teeth, teeth.

I'd like to, but they're
crushing my bones with
their strong lady hands.

Mine, too.
I'm just a pawn!

(BOTH GROANING)

This is a nightmare!

How are they
stronger than us?

ADULT ADAM:
The moment had come.

It was finally time to hold
Hands Across America.

Boys, quick!
Grab mommy's hands!

Holy crap, it's happening.

Okay. Come on, you guys.

You've got to
hold my hand.

Hold my hand, damn it!

No way. You lied to us.

Beverly,
what are you doing?

Come on, it's time.
Hold hands.

Kids, do it.

Never.
Hold my hands.

We will hold no hands.

What is wrong
with you people?!

Please!
No way.

This is for the homeless!

Hold my hands.

No way.
Hold hands!

Please,
just hold my hands.

Never.
No way.

Hold hands!
I shall hold your hand.

Oh, (BLEEP) off,
Ben Franklin.

Mom, no!
Back off, Mom.

I'm not holding
your hand.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

No, no, don't put
that in the paper.

It's gonna look like
the Goldbergs broke
hands across America.

Goldbergs... Got it.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Oh, that's a keeper.

ADULT ADAM: And so,
Hands Across America was
single-handedly a bust.

All I wanted was one
nice photo for the wall.

That's all
I ever wanted.

No. No, you're the one
who lied.

You can't make us
feel bad about this.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom's
spirit was crushed,
so were my hands.

Hey. How you holding up?

Well, I've got no girlfriend,
no best friend,

and no feeling in both hands,
so not good.

You know what I think?

Yes, I'm a moron.
I get it.

No,
I don't think you do.

When I say,
"don't be a moron,"

it really means something.

You mean beyond just
being rude and insulting?

Yeah, that's just
part of it.

But it's my way
of saying

"be honest,
be a good person."

It's how I live my life,
and you know what? It works.

So, how do I make it up
to Emmy and Dana?

That's easy.

Don't be a moron.

ADULT ADAM:
After years of getting
advice on girls from Pops,

I learned my dad
had some wisdom
to offer after all.

What the hell are
you doing, weirdo?

I'm cordially and
blatantly inviting
you both to the dance.

You can't be serious.

Look, I screwed up,
but you have to believe me

all I wanted was to make
both of you feel special.

Emmy, you've been
my best friend since
second grade.

I just couldn't bear
to see you so sad.

And, Dana, the last thing
I'd ever want to do is

to hurt the girl I love more
than anything in this world.

Aww.
Point is I'm a moron.

We'll got get dressed.

ADULT ADAM: As it turns out,
the best plan of all
was honesty.

And because of that,
I was able to do what
Alex P. Keaton,

Jack Tripper, and
Peter Brady never could...

...take two girls
to the same dance.

And not just any girls...

...the most important ones
in my life.

And it was a night
I always remember.

Crying at Zapped!
That's a first.

No, I just... (SIGHS)

I feel bad.

I'm a bad mama.

I don't think any of us
were at our best.

Which actually worked
in our favor.

This... is not
what I meant at all.

I know we're not actually
holding hands,

but if this picture isn't us,
(SCOFFS) I don't know what is.

You're right.

I love it.

ADULT ADAM: That's the thing
about the people you love.

It's not always
picture-perfect.

Sometimes you have to
live in the moment
and take it all in.

But side-by-side,
hand-in-hand...

...you'll find
it's pretty great.

And sure, you may make a lot
of mistakes along the way.

Growing up is a tricky dance,

but occasionally,
you find your groove.

Last dance of the night.
Have fun, dorks.

Actually, I don't think
you should take off just yet.

I talked to Adam Abel.

(CHUCKLES)
I'm gonna kill you.

He saved you a dance.
I love you.

(GROANS)

* Ooh, heaven is a place
On Earth

* They say in heaven,
Love comes first

* We'll make heaven
A place on earth *

*

(DINGING)

Ugh. I don't understand
how we all got the flu.

I told you...
With all that hand holding,
you'd catch a bug.

Will you stop saying that.
It's not even how it works.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Ooh, sounds like

we may have
a special visitor.

Wait, did Scott Baio's people
finally get back to you?

No, but, uh,
I still have

Ben Franklin rented
for an hour.

Good morrow,
sick children.

As I so famously said
in 1780-something,

An apple a day
keeps the doctor...

No!
Not again.

I hate this president.