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1
00:00:01,871 --> 00:00:04,091
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
the mustache was king.
2
00:00:04,178 --> 00:00:07,268
Nothing said "I'm a man"
like a bristly patch
of lip hair.
3
00:00:07,355 --> 00:00:08,878
But the manliest
mustache of all
4
00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:11,620
wasMagnum, P.I. himself,
Tom Selleck.
5
00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:13,491
Next to my dad's, that is.
6
00:00:13,578 --> 00:00:16,059
Hoo-hoo!
Look at Magnum go!
7
00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:18,583
Such power and grace.
8
00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:21,673
Like a mustachioed gazelle
in a Hawaiian shirt.
9
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,371
He got the idea
for the 'stache
10
00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:25,112
from his new best friend,
Bill Lewis,
11
00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:27,679
and it bonded them
like we'd never seen before.
12
00:00:27,766 --> 00:00:30,595
You know, I used to think
his was a lip wig,
13
00:00:30,682 --> 00:00:31,988
but he swims with it.
14
00:00:32,075 --> 00:00:33,337
That's the real deal.
15
00:00:33,424 --> 00:00:35,035
You're looking pretty bushy
there, too, Mur-man.
16
00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:37,515
Thick and manly yourself,
Billy-boy.
17
00:00:37,602 --> 00:00:40,779
ADULT ADAM: As much as my dad
loved his new mustache,
my mom hated it.
18
00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,433
He looks like
a criminal
19
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,219
or the tenor in a damn
barbershop quartet.
20
00:00:45,306 --> 00:00:48,222
Don't go around saying
your husband's in
a barbershop quartet.
21
00:00:48,309 --> 00:00:50,833
That is the lowest form
of musical entertainment.
22
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,835
Just use an instrument,
damn it.
23
00:00:52,922 --> 00:00:54,445
You know, the only reason
he grew that mug rug
24
00:00:54,532 --> 00:00:56,317
is 'cause Bill
pushed him into it.
25
00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:58,710
I'm telling you,
the guy's a bad influence.
26
00:00:58,797 --> 00:01:01,974
So, it's not the fakakta
mustache you hate, it's Bill.
27
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,977
Stop. I like
Bill all right.
28
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,284
Well, except for the way
he dresses, drives, walks,
talks, eats, thinks, laughs,
29
00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:11,158
and tilts his stupid
bald head to the side
when he's confused.
30
00:01:11,245 --> 00:01:13,420
ADULT ADAM: Yep, you could say
my mother wasn't
the biggest fan
31
00:01:13,508 --> 00:01:16,728
of my dad's bestie,
who was hanging around
more and more.
32
00:01:16,815 --> 00:01:19,122
Ooh, Charlie's Angels.
33
00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:21,081
Who are they chasing?
Where's Bosley?
34
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,777
Why is she on a boat?
35
00:01:22,865 --> 00:01:23,735
Who's she kissing?
36
00:01:23,822 --> 00:01:25,694
Are those pirates?
37
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:27,435
These are the
opening credits, Bill.
38
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,741
ADULT ADAM: And while my mom
usually called the shots,
39
00:01:29,828 --> 00:01:31,961
lately, it seemed
that Bill was in charge.
40
00:01:32,048 --> 00:01:34,137
A mustache comb!
41
00:01:34,223 --> 00:01:37,662
And all this time, I've been
using a brush with a handle
like a jackass.
42
00:01:37,749 --> 00:01:39,969
Give it a whirl, Mur.
Take it down to whisker town.
43
00:01:40,056 --> 00:01:41,840
BEVERLY: Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
44
00:01:41,926 --> 00:01:43,755
Are you kidding me
with this?
45
00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:46,758
We should be talking about
shaving, not grooming.
46
00:01:46,845 --> 00:01:50,021
Come on, lady,
everyone knows
a man's face is his castle.
47
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,155
His castle, you say?
48
00:01:52,241 --> 00:01:54,157
Oh, yeah.
And the mustache is
the moat of the mouth.
49
00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:55,723
Without it,
the fortress falls.
50
00:01:55,811 --> 00:01:57,726
Who knew? I didn't.
51
00:01:57,813 --> 00:02:00,468
In fact, the mustache
is named after
the Earl of mustache.
52
00:02:00,555 --> 00:02:02,905
What did he do? Well, he was from
Mustache, France,
53
00:02:02,992 --> 00:02:05,821
and one day he was like,
"I'm gonna grow some hair
right here."
54
00:02:05,908 --> 00:02:08,389
You cannot argue with
history, Bevy.
55
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:12,958
Honey, please, can you just
shave it off for me?
56
00:02:13,045 --> 00:02:14,743
ADULT ADAM: Luckily, my mom
could always win
57
00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:17,789
using her creepy
12-blink puppy dog stare...
58
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,574
This is the new me. ...until now.
59
00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:21,576
Oh, yeah. Getting in all
the nooks and crannies.
Fantastic.
60
00:02:21,663 --> 00:02:23,055
Get it, Mur. I'm getting it.
61
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,448
You go on and get it. Oh, I'm getting it but good.
62
00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:26,798
Get it, doggy. [BARKING] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
63
00:02:26,885 --> 00:02:28,800
Is barking a mustache thing?BILL: Oh, yeah.
64
00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:30,367
Go on, doggy. I'm going!
65
00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:32,064
[BARKS] Oh, yeah.
66
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,936
♪ I'm twisted up inside
67
00:02:34,023 --> 00:02:37,026
♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say
68
00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:41,552
♪ I don't know the future
69
00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:45,774
♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
70
00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:48,037
ADULT ADAM: It was October 21,
1980-something,
71
00:02:48,124 --> 00:02:50,387
and my brother was doing
what he did best...
72
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,215
Being way too cocky.
73
00:02:52,302 --> 00:02:54,565
Uh, you sure this is
a good idea, man?
74
00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:55,958
Seems like the ramp points
75
00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:57,742
directly at the side
of the van, bro.
76
00:02:57,829 --> 00:03:01,224
Honestly, my concern is
I jump too high and too far.
77
00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:03,095
Maybe we should put a mattress
back there for safety.
78
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,184
JTP!
79
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:05,359
ALL: JTP.
80
00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:07,491
Oh, cool.
81
00:03:07,578 --> 00:03:09,319
Barry's doing
that sweet trick where he
damages his head again.
82
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:10,973
Well, hello, Lainey.
83
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,583
This is all for you, girl.
84
00:03:12,670 --> 00:03:14,455
Time to put myself
in serious danger.
85
00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:15,543
Hot, right?
86
00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:17,109
Barry, I told you
a million times,
87
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,763
jumping stuff
does not impress me.
88
00:03:18,850 --> 00:03:19,764
ADULT ADAM: For all
of my brother's
89
00:03:19,851 --> 00:03:21,244
ridiculous over-confidence... Wait!
90
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:23,028
there was one person
who could make him crumble
91
00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:26,771
into an insecure mess.
His girlfriend, Lainey Lewis.
92
00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:28,730
I'm sorry! I'll never
jump stuff again.
See? No more bike.
93
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:30,601
Okay, so now
I'm the lame-ass
ball-and-chain
94
00:03:30,688 --> 00:03:31,863
who says no to your passions?
95
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,822
So, you do want me
to jump stuff?
96
00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:35,737
I don't care, okay?
Just do what you want.
97
00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:37,956
I want you
to not be mad at me. I'm not mad at you.
98
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:41,003
Well, your face and your
words are clearly mad. Oh, my God.
99
00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:42,656
Tell me in words
I understand.
100
00:03:42,744 --> 00:03:44,485
What do I do
or feel or think?
101
00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:46,791
I think
you need to get a grip.
102
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:48,966
Better yet, get a girl
that's not miles
out of your league.
103
00:03:49,054 --> 00:03:51,187
Hey, Erica!
Look what I can do!
104
00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:56,453
[GRUNTS]
105
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,629
GEOFF: Is she looking?
Erica, I did it!
106
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,762
My God.
What is Barry's deal?
107
00:04:00,849 --> 00:04:02,633
It's like he gets more
needy and insecure every day.
108
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,505
I live with him.
It's constant.
109
00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:06,768
God, I wish
there was some way
to snap him out of it.
110
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:09,553
Well, if the goal is to show
Barry what an idiot
he's being,
111
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,990
I do have years
of wonderful experience.
112
00:04:12,077 --> 00:04:13,470
So you'd help
teach him a lesson?
113
00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:14,732
Unleash me.
114
00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:16,778
I don't know, you look
too excited right now.
115
00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:18,214
Excited to help my friend.
116
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:19,649
Okay, I'm desperate.
Let's do it.
117
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:20,564
Promise you won't be
too mean, though.
118
00:04:20,651 --> 00:04:22,305
Promise.
119
00:04:23,698 --> 00:04:25,874
Lainey's in love
with another man?
120
00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:28,659
You're dating a girl
way out of your league.
It was bound to happen.
121
00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:30,052
Who is it? Tell me.
122
00:04:30,139 --> 00:04:32,315
I'll destroy him
with my hands and feet.
123
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,361
It's him.Boy George?
124
00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:36,406
From the glam-pop band
Culture Club?
125
00:04:36,493 --> 00:04:37,581
What does he have
that I don't have?
126
00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:40,236
He's cute, he's cool,
he's stylish...
127
00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:42,543
Everything you're not.
128
00:04:42,630 --> 00:04:44,980
Then it's settled.
I'm flying to England
and challenging him to a duel.
129
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:46,590
Maybe I'll even slip him
my demo tape.
130
00:04:46,677 --> 00:04:48,157
No, I will not get
distracted!
131
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:49,767
Dude,
you're missing the point.
132
00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:52,466
If you can rock this look,
you can rock Lainey's heart.
133
00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:54,424
Yes.
134
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:56,731
I don't have to destroy
Boy George.
135
00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:59,211
I can be Boy George.
136
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,301
Or should I say
"Barry George"?
137
00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:02,606
You should say
"Boy Barry".
138
00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:03,999
Really?
Barry George sounds better.
139
00:05:04,086 --> 00:05:05,870
It really doesn't. Boy Barry it is.
140
00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:08,569
Thanks, Erica.
I have no idea
how I'll ever pay you back.
141
00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:10,310
Money's fine. I'll smash my piggy bank.
142
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:11,398
[COINS RATTLING]
143
00:05:15,445 --> 00:05:17,055
That'll do.
144
00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:19,971
Mom, you need
to vacuum in here.
145
00:05:20,058 --> 00:05:21,277
[ENGINE REVS]
146
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:22,974
[HORN HONKS] [EMERGENCY BRAKE CLICKS]
147
00:05:23,061 --> 00:05:24,759
BILL: I know
what you're thinking.
148
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:25,673
[CAR DOOR CLOSES] And you're right.
149
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,719
I'm Hawaiian super-sleuth
Magnum, P.I.
150
00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:30,852
You're right.
That's exactly
what I was thinking!
151
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:32,941
My God, Bill,
please don't tell me
152
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:34,725
you blew all your money
on this thing.
153
00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:36,988
Oh, God, no.
I can't afford this car.
154
00:05:37,075 --> 00:05:39,556
Just taking it out
for a very leisurely
test ride.
155
00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:41,645
I'm sorry, are you saying
you have no intention
of purchasing?
156
00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:42,820
Because you made it sound
like you...
157
00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:44,344
Bup-bup! I'm still
considering it, Randy.
158
00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:48,304
Oh, Murray,
159
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:50,784
what do you say we Magnum over
to Geno's for cheese steaks?
160
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:52,700
No, no, there's no food
allowed in the car.
161
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:54,441
Uh, and we have to stay
within a two-mile radius
of the showroom.
162
00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:57,008
Not now, Randy.
Let's Magnum!
163
00:05:57,095 --> 00:05:59,489
No Magnuming.
Uh, Murray and I have
plans tonight.
164
00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:02,710
What plans?I'm gonna iron while
he watches TV in his chair.
165
00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,581
It's our thing.
166
00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,975
Yeah, I can watch you iron
tomorrow night.
This just feels right.
167
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,674
Sweet ride, dude!
168
00:06:10,761 --> 00:06:12,633
But you cannot pull off
that outfit.
169
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:18,639
Your son walks his own path.
I get what Lainey sees in him. I don't.
170
00:06:18,726 --> 00:06:21,250
Hey, Mur, take the wheel. Yeah!
171
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:23,470
Randy, hit the bricks. Uh, okay,
I will get fired.
172
00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:25,210
Yeah, just stay here
for a while.
173
00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:27,125
[ENGINE TURNS OVER] ADULT ADAM: My mom was livid.
174
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:28,126
[TIRES SCREECH] She couldn't
take it out on my dad,
175
00:06:28,213 --> 00:06:30,390
so she took it out on his
tighty-whities.
176
00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:33,480
Mustaches, fast cars,
Tom Selleck,
177
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:36,308
and where does it end?
With me, all alone,
ironing underpants
178
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,528
like some goblin
who lives beneath
the streets.
179
00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:40,487
I think you're
overstating it, Bev.
180
00:06:40,574 --> 00:06:42,793
Murray finally
has a friend.
181
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,795
You can't change that,
and you can't change Bill.
182
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:47,972
You're right.
183
00:06:48,058 --> 00:06:49,278
That's the answer.
184
00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:51,759
I need to change Bill.
185
00:06:51,846 --> 00:06:54,718
I didn't say "change Bill".
I said the exact opposite.
186
00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:56,633
Yeah, you don't need
to repeat yourself, Dad,
I'll do it.
187
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:57,982
Do not do it!
188
00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,810
Agreed. Doing it.
189
00:06:59,897 --> 00:07:01,856
Do not do it. Doing it.
190
00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:06,164
I'll change Bill and make
him the best best friend
my husband could have.
191
00:07:06,251 --> 00:07:09,820
You're just hearing
specific words to suit
your own horrible needs.
192
00:07:09,907 --> 00:07:11,256
Just.
193
00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:13,258
No! You're the best, dad.
194
00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:15,783
ADULT ADAM: As my mom
was preparing to fix
my dad's best friend,
195
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:19,395
Barry was ready to win
Lainey's heart at all costs.
196
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:22,398
♪ Do you really want to
hurt me?
197
00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:26,097
♪ Do you really want to... 'Sup, football team?
198
00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:28,317
Looking good, band nerds.
199
00:07:28,404 --> 00:07:30,058
I'll tumble for you,
Johnny Atkins.
200
00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:33,757
♪ Words that burn me
201
00:07:33,844 --> 00:07:36,064
♪ Love is... Oh, my god!
What did you tell him?
202
00:07:36,151 --> 00:07:38,327
That you're in love
with another boy, George.
203
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:40,329
Hey, sweet baby girl.
204
00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:42,549
Need a personal escort
to class by Barry George?
205
00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:44,202
Damn it!
I meant Boy Barry.
206
00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:45,639
Point is, drink me in.
207
00:07:45,726 --> 00:07:46,901
Oh, God! Stop!
Don't do that.
208
00:07:46,988 --> 00:07:48,206
What's the matter?
You don't like it?
209
00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:51,732
On Boy George.
Not on Barry Goldberg
from Jenkintown.
210
00:07:51,819 --> 00:07:53,255
You can't pull this off,
dude.
211
00:07:53,342 --> 00:07:55,823
But I cracked my piggy bank
and everything.
212
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,738
We were just trying
to teach you a lesson.
213
00:07:57,825 --> 00:07:59,348
You've been
so needy lately.
214
00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:01,916
So, this was all a lie?
You were just messing with me?
215
00:08:02,003 --> 00:08:03,918
How could you do this?
You're my girlfriend.
216
00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:06,877
I mean, do you really
want to hurt me?
217
00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:08,226
Oh, my God.
It's happening.
218
00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:10,446
Do you really want
to make me cry?
219
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:11,665
He's saying it for real.
220
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:14,755
I'm sorry you think
I'm so insecure.
221
00:08:14,842 --> 00:08:17,061
Trust me, you don't need
to worry anymore.
We're done.
222
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:27,115
Thanks for
inviting me over, Bev.
This shrimp parm is delicious.
223
00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:29,030
Anything for
Murray's best friend.
224
00:08:29,117 --> 00:08:32,381
Are you saying
that I'm his best friend
or did he say that?
225
00:08:32,467 --> 00:08:35,036
Tell me exactly
what he said,
word for word.
226
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:36,951
No, don't tell me.
Tell me.
227
00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:39,388
No, he said it. Yahtzee!
228
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:41,129
Oh, my God.
My heart is beating
out of my chest.
229
00:08:41,216 --> 00:08:43,304
Yes, it is
very exciting.
230
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:44,915
And now that you two
are best bros,
231
00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,788
you're not only
important to him,
you're important to me.
232
00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:49,920
Thanks, Beverly.
That means a lot.
233
00:08:50,007 --> 00:08:52,619
Which is why I've decided,
out of the goodness
of my heart
234
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,621
and because
I'm a decent person
235
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,405
who cares deeply
for my husband,
to change you.
236
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:58,233
Wait. Wh... What?
237
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,540
Bill, you don't have
a woman in your life
238
00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:03,281
telling you
all the things you do
that are wrong and stupid.
239
00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:05,109
I will be that woman.
240
00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:07,372
Actually, I really haven't
missed that very much.
241
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:10,027
Look, I'm not trying
to change who you are.
242
00:09:10,114 --> 00:09:12,726
I just want to fix how
you dress, drive, walk, talk,
eat, think, and laugh.
243
00:09:12,813 --> 00:09:14,902
That seems like
almost all of me.
244
00:09:14,989 --> 00:09:16,512
I don't understand
what's happening.
245
00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:17,731
Bup-bup. Don't move,
let's start right there.
246
00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:20,647
Huh?
247
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,692
See? No need
for the head tilt.
248
00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:25,260
You're not a confused dog.
You're a confused man.
249
00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:27,175
Why the heck
are you coming down
on me so hard?
250
00:09:27,262 --> 00:09:29,264
Murray's mustache?
The Hawaiian shirts?
251
00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:30,744
The defiant attitude?
252
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:32,484
That's not the husband
I created.
253
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,877
Oh, I see
what's happening here.
254
00:09:33,964 --> 00:09:35,879
You want to change me
because I threaten you.
255
00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:37,577
You threaten me?
256
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:39,709
[LAUGHS]
Oh-ho, please.
257
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:41,711
You used to call
the shots with Murray,
258
00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:44,235
but now you're just
passing through Bill country.
259
00:09:44,322 --> 00:09:47,630
We'll see who calls
the shots when I get him
to shave off his mustache.
260
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:50,502
Don't you dare!
261
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,114
He looks powerful
and handsome,
like a circus strongman.
262
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:55,812
Well, I think he looks
like he's got [BLEEP]
on his face.
263
00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:57,248
Murray is an eagle
that needs to soar,
264
00:09:57,335 --> 00:09:59,250
but you just want to lasso
him back to the nest.
265
00:09:59,337 --> 00:10:01,165
Oh, he soars!
266
00:10:01,252 --> 00:10:02,776
He soars big-time.
267
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:04,429
And I am the wind
beneath his wings.
268
00:10:04,516 --> 00:10:08,172
Oh, no, I am the wind
that blows across the ocean,
269
00:10:08,259 --> 00:10:11,262
and Murray is but a leaf
on my mighty gust.
270
00:10:11,349 --> 00:10:12,742
You take that back!
271
00:10:12,829 --> 00:10:15,353
Never! There's a new force
of nature in Murray's life.
272
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,486
[DEEPLY BLOWS]
273
00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:23,144
It's me!
274
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:26,669
ADULT ADAM: Bill had started
the mustache war,
275
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:30,760
but my mom
was gonna finish it.
276
00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:34,895
It had been two days since
Lainey embarrassed Barry,
and he refused to let it go.
277
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,244
Hey. What do you want?
278
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:38,638
Got you some grind wax
for your BMX.
279
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,335
Thought I could go watch you
jump stuff.
280
00:10:40,422 --> 00:10:43,512
Sorry, you don't get to live
the highs and lows
281
00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:45,253
that is bicycle motocross
through me anymore.
282
00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:46,863
I messed up.
283
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:48,778
You can't just break up
with me. I love you.
284
00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:53,565
Well, if that's how
you treat someone you love,
count me out.
285
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,959
Don't worry,
he'll come crawling back
when he realizes
286
00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:57,874
that he'll never get a girl
like you ever again.
287
00:10:57,961 --> 00:10:59,310
See,
that's the whole problem.
288
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:02,531
For some reason,
Barry is convinced
I am out of his league.
289
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:05,012
I may have mentioned it
once or twice...
290
00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:06,970
A day.
291
00:11:07,057 --> 00:11:09,233
Oh, then you're gonna help me
romance your brother
and win him back.
292
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:10,887
Ew. Never.
293
00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:13,324
Please! There has to be
something I can do.
294
00:11:13,411 --> 00:11:15,675
Like Chuck Norris.
Barry loves that dude.
295
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:17,285
Maybe he can apologize
for me.
296
00:11:17,372 --> 00:11:19,200
Chuck seems like
an accessible guy, right?
297
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:20,723
Barry's written to Chuck
a few times.
298
00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:22,203
[CHUCKLING]
I think that's a dead end.
299
00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:24,422
Maybe I can jump something
to impress Barry
300
00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:27,687
or body slam Adam or challenge
an animal to a fight.
301
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:29,340
What's the name
of that horse that Barry
has a problem with?
302
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:30,994
If you really want to
fix this,
303
00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:33,083
just do a big, embarrassing
display that says
304
00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:36,130
"I love you, and I don't care
if I look like an idiot
saying it."
305
00:11:36,217 --> 00:11:38,349
If embarrassing myself
gets me one more kiss
306
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:42,919
from his drooly,
cheeto-dusted lips, I'm in.
307
00:11:43,006 --> 00:11:44,747
I'm sorry, I can't...
I can't be with you
right now.
308
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,619
I just can't.
309
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,926
ADULT ADAM:
As Lainey plotted a way
to show Barry her love,
310
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:52,929
my mom's plot to win
the war of Murray
was in full swing.
311
00:11:57,673 --> 00:11:58,674
Beverly!
312
00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:01,677
Good morning, handsome.
313
00:12:01,764 --> 00:12:04,419
I made your favorite food.
314
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:06,464
And here's your newspaper
and tushie pillow.
315
00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:10,512
You mowed my Magnum off
while I slept.
Who does that?
316
00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:12,253
Funny story. Me.
317
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,821
She lathered your face,
shaved you clean,
318
00:12:14,908 --> 00:12:16,039
and you didn't even wake up?
319
00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:18,607
When I go down,
I go down hard.
320
00:12:18,694 --> 00:12:20,522
Oh, I get a lot done
while he's asleep.
321
00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:23,612
Fingernails, nose hairs,
rough elbows, Q-tip work.
322
00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:26,484
Soup to nuts.
323
00:12:26,571 --> 00:12:29,531
Wow. It's so smooth,
like a puppy's paw.
324
00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:31,838
Let me get in there,
see what all the fuss
is about.
325
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:34,492
I want you to drop by
Bill's store on your
lunch break
326
00:12:34,579 --> 00:12:35,798
and show him my handiwork.
327
00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,104
Will everybody
stop touching me?
328
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:39,628
Use my name.
It's Beverly. Say it.
329
00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:41,499
I know your name!
330
00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:42,979
Is this why
you're doing all of this?
331
00:12:43,066 --> 00:12:44,111
Because you hate
my best friend?
332
00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:45,547
I don't hate him, hon.
333
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:48,637
All I did was show that
ridiculous ass-for-brains
334
00:12:48,724 --> 00:12:50,421
whose face this is...
335
00:12:50,508 --> 00:12:53,816
Mine.
And you will speak of
what happened here.
336
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:56,688
Enough! You, me, and Bill
are going to talk this out.
337
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,342
You want to talk?
338
00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:00,910
Of course not.
But you've
forced me into it.
339
00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:06,873
I think he's secretly happy.
[CHUCKLES]
340
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,831
ADULT ADAM:
While my mom wanted to show
Bill she had won,
341
00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,877
Lainey was trying to
win back Barry.
342
00:13:10,964 --> 00:13:13,531
Hey, big tasty.
It's me, McDLT.
343
00:13:13,618 --> 00:13:15,838
I keep the hot side hot
and the cool side cool.
344
00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:17,840
I'm not interested. Maybe this
will change your mind.
345
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:19,799
JTP, kick me a beat.
346
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:22,366
[BEAT-BOXING POORLY]
347
00:13:22,453 --> 00:13:24,325
Let the whole school
laugh at me, I don't care.
348
00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:27,154
[RAPPING]
♪ I'd do anything for
a guy named Barry
349
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,939
♪ All the girls want him,
but I don't want to share-y ♪
350
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:32,420
ADULT ADAM:
What followed was the worst,
most ill-conceived rap
351
00:13:32,507 --> 00:13:34,074
ever performed
in school history.
352
00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:36,598
Unfortunately, Lainey was hot
and popular, so this happened.
353
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:39,688
Hey, Lainey Lewis is rapping.
She's awesome.
354
00:13:39,775 --> 00:13:42,169
♪ Love is a love
I'm thinking of
355
00:13:42,256 --> 00:13:44,606
♪ Love is a love
that loves my love
356
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:47,174
♪ Love from above
fits like a glove ♪
357
00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:48,305
ADULT ADAM:
Like any great performance,
358
00:13:48,392 --> 00:13:49,915
there was something
for everyone.
359
00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:52,614
No, she's making fun of
Barry Goldberg's dreams
and aspirations.
360
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,572
Hilarious.
Give it to him, Lainey!
361
00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:56,270
ADULT ADAM:
Well, everyone except Barry,
362
00:13:56,357 --> 00:13:58,185
who was elbowed out of
his own apology rap,
363
00:13:58,272 --> 00:13:59,882
which quickly caught on
with the crowd.
364
00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:01,492
ALL:
♪ Love is a love
that loves my love ♪
365
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:03,059
Barry, where are you going?
366
00:14:03,146 --> 00:14:04,582
She's showing
how much she loves you
367
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:06,584
by embarrassing herself
the way that you would.
368
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:09,065
She can't even embarrass
herself when she tries.
369
00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:11,851
All this proves
is what you've always said.
370
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,940
She's out of my league.
371
00:14:14,027 --> 00:14:17,117
ADULT ADAM:
While Barry gave up on Lainey,
my dad was fighting for Bill.
372
00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:20,381
Okay, you two
have forced my hand,
373
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:22,949
so now we're gonna
have to talk...
374
00:14:23,036 --> 00:14:24,689
About feelings.
375
00:14:24,776 --> 00:14:26,648
I'll go first.
376
00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:28,998
I'm feeling mad.
377
00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:31,783
You're mad?
How could you let her
take your 'stache, Mur? How?
378
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,177
That's not the only thing
I took, big guy.
379
00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:36,397
That's not yours!
That's a friendship comb!
380
00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:37,877
It's a spoil of war.
381
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:40,227
Stop it, both of you.
There is no war.
382
00:14:40,314 --> 00:14:43,012
Open your eyes, fool.
Look at her just
peacocking me.
383
00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:45,058
She thinks she's won,
but we're just
getting started.
384
00:14:45,145 --> 00:14:46,233
Are we, now?
385
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,756
We are.
386
00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:50,280
Court-side seats
to the Sixers, Mur.
387
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:53,240
You want to stay here
and watch Charlie's Angels
or go watch Charlie Barkley?
388
00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:54,981
Nobody calls him that.
389
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:56,417
Someone does,
maybe his mama
390
00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:57,853
or a close cousin
who's more like a sibling.
391
00:14:57,940 --> 00:14:59,768
All right, enough.
392
00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:00,987
Bevy, you're gonna have to be
the bigger person here
393
00:15:01,074 --> 00:15:02,510
and apologize
so we can move past this.
394
00:15:02,597 --> 00:15:04,686
Me apologize? For what?
395
00:15:04,773 --> 00:15:06,993
That's right, Bevy.
Looks like your man's
on my side.
396
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,125
There are no sides.
397
00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:11,040
I think it's time
we settle this
once and for all.
398
00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:13,477
It's a simple choice, really.
Her or me?
399
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:15,305
What?
400
00:15:15,392 --> 00:15:17,960
That's right, woman.
You forgot.
401
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:22,008
I negotiate big
tile contracts for a living,
and I always win.
402
00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:25,707
Overplayed my hand, huh?
403
00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:27,448
Yeah, you did.
404
00:15:27,535 --> 00:15:29,145
Hey, listen.
I got a counteroffer.
405
00:15:29,232 --> 00:15:30,755
How about Tuesday nights
and every other weekend?
406
00:15:30,842 --> 00:15:33,454
Yeah, the thing is,
she's my wife.
407
00:15:33,540 --> 00:15:34,672
It's, it's over.
408
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:36,326
Nah, I get it.
409
00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:38,459
Makes sense now
with a little distance.
410
00:15:38,546 --> 00:15:41,114
Yeah, we probably should have
discussed the details
of your plan beforehand.
411
00:15:41,201 --> 00:15:43,551
Seems that way.
412
00:15:43,638 --> 00:15:45,640
[DOOR CLOSES]It's for the best.
413
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:48,730
For you.
You're in charge around here,
and I'm good with that.
414
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:51,428
But I kind of liked
having a friend,
415
00:15:51,515 --> 00:15:53,343
and it would have been nice
if you liked him, too.
416
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:02,222
ADULT ADAM:
Even though my mom won
417
00:16:02,309 --> 00:16:03,963
the infamous
Goldberg mustache war,
418
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:05,747
my dad was the real casualty.
419
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:07,183
[HORN HONKING]
420
00:16:08,619 --> 00:16:09,794
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
421
00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:11,579
Who's there? Bill?
422
00:16:11,666 --> 00:16:12,841
Better.
423
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:16,018
I'm Charlie's most sensible
angel, Kate Jackson.
424
00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:17,019
I'm the one
who wears pants.
425
00:16:19,108 --> 00:16:20,196
What is this?
What's happening?
426
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:21,850
Glad you asked, Bosley.
427
00:16:21,937 --> 00:16:24,331
I was thinking we could take
a little joy ride
428
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,898
in this sporty automobile
we have no intention
of buying.
429
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:30,032
But you said we were close.
I ran a credit check.
430
00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:31,816
Don't blow the sale, Randy.
431
00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:33,427
Honey, I know
Bill was your friend,
432
00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:35,516
but I'm your best friend.
433
00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,997
And any fun you had with him,
you can have with me.
434
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:41,000
I'm sorry, Bevy.
It's just not the same.
435
00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:42,653
I'm gonna go in
and watch TV.
436
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:44,699
You can come in and iron
if you want.
437
00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:46,483
But I bought a wig.
438
00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:49,834
I will no longer be a pawn
in your family drama!
439
00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:51,662
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
440
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:53,229
[TIRES SQUEAL] While Randy had had enough,
441
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:56,885
Lainey was finally realizing
that it was over with Barry.
442
00:16:56,972 --> 00:16:58,539
[SIGHS]
443
00:16:58,626 --> 00:16:59,975
I can't believe
it's really over.
444
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,759
You really love
that big dummy,
don't you?
445
00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:03,065
I really do.
446
00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:07,590
ADULT ADAM:
And in that moment,
my sister decided to do
447
00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:10,290
the last thing
she ever wanted to.
448
00:17:10,377 --> 00:17:13,292
Win back my brother's heart.
449
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,512
Put down the Cheetos.
Lainey needs you.
450
00:17:15,598 --> 00:17:17,426
Trust me, she doesn't.
451
00:17:17,513 --> 00:17:19,429
She does.
452
00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:22,824
Look,
a lot of this is my fault.
453
00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:24,955
I've told you every day
that you're not good enough
for her.
454
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,915
But you know what?
455
00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:28,525
I was wrong.
456
00:17:28,612 --> 00:17:30,266
She's lucky to have you.
457
00:17:30,353 --> 00:17:32,529
But she embarrassed me
in front of the whole school.
458
00:17:32,616 --> 00:17:35,184
And you embarrass her
every day by being you.
459
00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:37,621
You're right.
460
00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:39,536
I'm the worst,
and she still loves me.
461
00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:41,973
She loves me!
462
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:49,024
That was an amazing thing
you just did, honey.
463
00:17:49,111 --> 00:17:51,505
I guess sometimes two people
just need each other
464
00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:54,116
no matter how weird it seems
to everyone else.
465
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:56,379
ADULT ADAM:
That night, Erica didn't just
open up Barry's eyes.
466
00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:58,860
She made my mom realize
how blind she'd been.
467
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:05,867
Mom, what are you doing?
468
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,521
Not now, Poopie.
469
00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:14,876
I'll catch up with you.
470
00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:16,225
BEVERLY: Wear a raincoat
next time.
471
00:18:16,965 --> 00:18:18,184
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
472
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:20,795
Bill, we need to talk.
473
00:18:20,882 --> 00:18:22,144
Who is it?
474
00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:23,189
No one.
475
00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:25,713
I deserve that.
476
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,150
Bill, I am so sorry
for everything.
477
00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:30,761
I felt threatened, okay?
478
00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:34,113
I started to think maybe
you could give Murray
things that I couldn't,
479
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,507
but I realize that might
actually be a good thing.
480
00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:40,510
You know
what's a good thing?
481
00:18:41,816 --> 00:18:43,339
This right here.
482
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,563
And, Lainey,
Barry loves you so much.
483
00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:51,478
I think he was so afraid
of losing you,
484
00:18:51,565 --> 00:18:53,132
he ended up
pushing you away.
485
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:54,872
Lainey! Lainey!
486
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:56,091
We have to talk.
487
00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:57,788
It's okay. We're okay.
488
00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,703
We are? Yeah.
489
00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:01,183
But I didn't even
get to say what I...
490
00:19:01,270 --> 00:19:03,446
Shh.
Mama took care of it.
491
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:06,536
Are you kidding me?
492
00:19:06,623 --> 00:19:08,756
I had a beautiful speech
planned out.
493
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:10,453
[GASPS] Cramping.
My leg's cramping. Oh, oh, sit.
494
00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:11,933
You know,
now that we're square,
495
00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:14,936
maybe I'll go upstairs
and shave the old 'stache.
496
00:19:15,023 --> 00:19:17,112
There's only one thing
you need to do right now...
497
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:18,592
Go to him.
498
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:23,031
I'm coming, Mur!
499
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,427
Why are we running, too?
500
00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:29,559
I left a lasagna
in the oven.
501
00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:31,039
Lasagna!
502
00:19:33,650 --> 00:19:37,045
ADULT ADAM: In life, there are
certain relationships
that define who you are,
503
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:38,786
your first teen crush,
504
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:40,788
your best friend,
your family...
505
00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:44,270
For $5,000,
it's the title of a play...
506
00:19:44,357 --> 00:19:46,315
Death of a Salesmat.
507
00:19:46,402 --> 00:19:47,664
Really?
508
00:19:47,751 --> 00:19:49,318
What's a salesmat?
509
00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:52,713
How would I know?
I'm not a salesmat salesman.
510
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,932
Aww, so close, baby.
511
00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:57,413
You two are the worst.
512
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,285
ADULT ADAM:
These are the relationships
that matter the most.
513
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:01,896
But they're also the hardest,
'cause when you
truly love someone,
514
00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:03,680
you sometimes hold on
too tight,
515
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:05,421
afraid that you'll lose them.
516
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:07,771
Here you go, boys.
Bagel bites.
517
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:09,208
Actually, I think
I'm gonna take off.
518
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:10,557
Got somewhere to be.
519
00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:15,039
Later, Bill. Yep.
520
00:20:15,126 --> 00:20:17,172
ADULT ADAM:
But the truth is,
521
00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:19,783
when you give the people
you love most
just a little space,
522
00:20:19,870 --> 00:20:22,003
you'll find the place
they really want to be
523
00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:23,309
is right at your side.
524
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,708
[BELL DINGS]
525
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:32,927
Oh, Adam, please.
526
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:41,109
You know, you have to start
getting dressed, okay?
527
00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:42,371
Please turn that off.
528
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:47,898
Out of the way, nerd.
529
00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:49,596
Hey, I was just
looking through the mail.
530
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:52,076
Actually, there's something
here for you.
531
00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:53,774
"Master Barry Goldberg?"
532
00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:56,472
From C. Norris?
Hollywood, California?
533
00:20:56,559 --> 00:20:58,344
Dude, Chuck Norris
wrote me back!
534
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,657
[NORRIS VOICE]
"Dear Barry, sorry it took me
so long to write back,
535
00:21:07,744 --> 00:21:10,486
"but thanks for the nice words
and for being a fan.
536
00:21:10,573 --> 00:21:11,705
"I have given
a great deal of thought
537
00:21:11,792 --> 00:21:13,315
"to what I'm about
to tell you."
538
00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:14,621
What's he saying? Shut up!
539
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:15,752
"Herein lies
my most precious secret
540
00:21:15,839 --> 00:21:18,668
"to being a true
martial arts warrior.
541
00:21:18,755 --> 00:21:20,496
"If you have a brother,
obey him.
542
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:23,194
"He has a power
you do not yet understand.
543
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,718
"Godspeed, douche-nozzle.
544
00:21:24,805 --> 00:21:26,850
"Sincerely, Chuck Norris."
545
00:21:26,937 --> 00:21:29,679
So, what's it say,
douche-nozzle?
546
00:21:29,766 --> 00:21:32,073
It says
I should kick your ass.
42682
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