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1
00:00:02,263 --> 00:00:04,134
ADULT ADAM:
Of all the indignities
of middle school,
2
00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:06,397
nothing was worse than the
soul-crushing humiliation
3
00:00:06,484 --> 00:00:09,270
of being forced to swim
in gym class.
4
00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:12,708
All right, swimmers,
let's have some fun!
5
00:00:12,795 --> 00:00:15,319
The sickening smell
of chlorine, the thick,
humid air,
6
00:00:15,406 --> 00:00:17,408
having to be shirtless
in front of your class
7
00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:19,236
while you were at your most
gawky and awkward.
8
00:00:19,323 --> 00:00:21,021
And it was worse
for the girls.
9
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:22,761
They would have to parade
in front of us
10
00:00:22,848 --> 00:00:25,155
at the most
self-conscious time
in their lives.
11
00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:27,462
Please don't look at me.
Please don't look at me.
Please don't look at me!
12
00:00:27,549 --> 00:00:30,856
Yep, you dreaded it all year
until, at last,
it was unavoidable.
13
00:00:30,943 --> 00:00:33,120
Or was it?
14
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:36,427
Goldfarb.
No suit, again, I see.
What is it this time?
15
00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:38,560
I have a contagious butt rash.
16
00:00:38,647 --> 00:00:39,735
ADULT ADAM: I hated
swimming so much,
17
00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:41,867
I would try pretty much
anything to get out of it.
18
00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:43,260
Swimming is against
my religion.
19
00:00:43,347 --> 00:00:44,348
I'm allergic to water.
20
00:00:44,435 --> 00:00:45,610
I have an irritable bowel.
21
00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:47,786
I got one heck
of a fungus downstairs.
22
00:00:47,873 --> 00:00:49,875
Yep, I had beaten the system.
23
00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:51,355
Adam is failing
gym class.
24
00:00:51,442 --> 00:00:52,704
ADULT ADAM: Or so I thought.
25
00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:55,403
I'd say the failing is yours,
but continue.
26
00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:58,580
Your son comes in every day
with a new excuse
for why he can't swim.
27
00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:00,582
If my schmoop says
he can't swim,
28
00:01:00,669 --> 00:01:03,976
then he must have
a legitimate reason,
and I fully support him.
29
00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:06,849
So, you can vouch for your
son's claim that he can't
get into the pool
30
00:01:06,936 --> 00:01:09,547
because he's a CIA operative
wearing a wire?
31
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,767
That's classified.
32
00:01:11,854 --> 00:01:14,030
I think I can shed some light
on what's going on here.
33
00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:15,901
Wow. Please do.
34
00:01:15,988 --> 00:01:19,122
Your boy is self-conscious
because of his wig.
35
00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:20,602
He doesn't wear a wig.
36
00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:22,734
Well, I'm stumped.
37
00:01:22,821 --> 00:01:24,301
But you better
figure something out,
38
00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:26,129
because an 'F' in gym
means Adam
will never get to be
39
00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:27,870
a physical educator
later in life.
40
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,742
Oh, no.
41
00:01:30,829 --> 00:01:31,961
He'll also have to repeat
the 8th grade.
42
00:01:32,048 --> 00:01:33,745
Oh, no!
43
00:01:33,832 --> 00:01:34,223
Yeah, probably
should've led with that.
44
00:01:36,878 --> 00:01:38,446
♪ I'm twisted up inside
45
00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:41,275
♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say
46
00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:46,149
♪ I don't know the future
47
00:01:46,235 --> 00:01:48,412
♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
48
00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:52,329
ADULT ADAM: It was
October 14, 1980-something,
49
00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:54,375
and Erica was doing
what she did every day,
50
00:01:54,462 --> 00:01:56,116
hanging with the cool kids.
51
00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:58,161
This one's shiny,
and this one's thermal.
52
00:01:58,247 --> 00:01:59,509
This one's flannel.
[GASPS]
53
00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:01,077
This one's denim.Ooh, that's super-rare.
54
00:02:01,164 --> 00:02:03,558
Oh, my God.
55
00:02:03,645 --> 00:02:07,823
We are smart,
ambitious women, and we're
talking about scrunchies.
56
00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:10,434
Is this really the best
that we can do in our lives?
57
00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:12,480
Ooh, wait.
I've got something.
58
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,786
No. It's also about
scrunchies.
59
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:17,353
ADULT ADAM: But lately she had
been finding hanging
with the cool kids
60
00:02:17,441 --> 00:02:19,095
a little less fulfilling.
61
00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:21,445
Luckily, her search
for meaning came to an end
62
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:24,492
when she saw
one iconic video.
63
00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:27,147
We are the world,
an epic song for charity
64
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:30,019
that brought together
all America's
biggest music legends.
65
00:02:30,106 --> 00:02:32,891
And for Erica,
it was about to give her
shallow life meaning.
66
00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:35,764
Look, Kenny Rogers
and Kenny Loggins!
67
00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:38,418
That's the two best Kennys
in one room. Unheard of.
68
00:02:38,506 --> 00:02:41,335
ERICA: You're right.
If they can make
a difference, so can I.
69
00:02:44,076 --> 00:02:47,167
This changes everything.
70
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:49,517
Attention, everyone.
71
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:52,954
After some careful reflection,
I am devoting myself
to changing the world.
72
00:02:53,042 --> 00:02:54,783
Good for you,
sweetheart.
73
00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:56,654
That's very selfless
and admirable.
74
00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:58,178
Yeah, that's great.
[COUGHING] Poser.
75
00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:00,092
Excuse me?
76
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,703
Oh, I was just
agreeing with Pops.
[COUGHING] Poser.
77
00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:03,487
You take it back
right now.
78
00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:05,620
Poser! I am not a poser.
79
00:03:05,707 --> 00:03:07,622
P-P-P-Poser,
poser, P-P-Poser.
80
00:03:07,709 --> 00:03:09,363
Stop it. Stop. [VOCALIZING]
81
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:11,756
[COUGHS] Poser. Shut up!
82
00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:14,194
ADULT ADAM: Back then,
"poser" was the worst name
you could call someone.
83
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,370
It meant you were a fake,
a phony,
84
00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:18,894
or wearing the t-shirt of
a band you knew nothing about. [COUGHING]
85
00:03:18,981 --> 00:03:20,852
Poser. I am not a poser.
86
00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:23,333
Social awareness
is super-important to me.
87
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,206
I even got Principal Ball
to start a social awareness
club at school.
88
00:03:26,293 --> 00:03:29,209
Aw. It's just like when we saw
that We Are The Earthsong.
89
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:31,123
You got inspired
by music? Ha!
90
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,082
I am not a poser, okay?
91
00:03:33,168 --> 00:03:35,737
You're the one
who pretends to be a rapper
and a Kara-Te master.
92
00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:38,000
I don't pretend anything.
93
00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:40,567
At my core,
I'm a break-dancing
samurai ninja
94
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:42,874
who spits mad rhymes
and dunks mad jams.
95
00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:45,137
That's just a smorgasbord
of absurd things
96
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,487
mashed together
in one ridiculous human.
97
00:03:46,574 --> 00:03:48,706
You want to know
what's ridiculous?
98
00:03:48,793 --> 00:03:52,493
That you think people would
actually care about your dumb
social awareness club,
99
00:03:52,579 --> 00:03:53,929
especially one
started by a poser.
100
00:03:54,016 --> 00:03:55,409
You're a poser!
101
00:03:55,496 --> 00:03:56,932
Copied my insult!
Ergo, you're a poser!
102
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,629
Logic! Barry wins!
103
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,718
You did not!
Erica wins!
104
00:04:00,805 --> 00:04:02,329
No, he won.
You copied him.
105
00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:04,809
It was weak, sweetheart.
106
00:04:04,896 --> 00:04:08,073
Have a slice of pizza
and be happy.
107
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,598
ADULT ADAM: While Barry
was tearing down Erica's idea,
108
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:12,904
my mom was about
to try to build me up.
109
00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:15,733
Why don't we try to get
the chief in a good mood
for a change?
110
00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,952
Nell Carter looks like
she gives great hugs.
111
00:04:19,694 --> 00:04:21,783
What's going on with you?
112
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:23,001
GIRL: [ON TV]
I hate dress...
113
00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:24,655
Hey! No!
114
00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:26,353
Guess who just had
a meeting with Coach Mellor.
115
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:29,051
Apparently,
Adam is failing.
116
00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:30,879
I don't get it.
You used to love to swim.
117
00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:33,011
But I figured it out. Really?
118
00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:35,013
Yeah.
It's your bathing suit.
119
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:38,190
You're growing fast,
and it's pinching
your little coin purse.
120
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,236
That's why I got you
these jams.
121
00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:43,108
Nice roomy
swim trunks for all
your bits and berries.
122
00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:46,111
Go on.
Model them for mama.
123
00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:47,678
I don't want
to model the jams.
124
00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:49,593
Come on.
They're jams. I know they're jams.
125
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,248
Well, then show us
how handsome you look
in your new jams.
126
00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:53,380
I don't want the jams.
127
00:04:53,467 --> 00:04:54,946
Come on.
They're jams.
128
00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:57,384
He doesn't want the damn jams!
Leave the boy alone already!
129
00:04:57,471 --> 00:05:00,169
Well, someone has
to address the issue
with his little marbles.
130
00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:02,780
Nobody wants their mom
talking about their yam bag.
131
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:05,740
My God! The problem
isn't the swimsuit.
132
00:05:05,827 --> 00:05:07,829
It's just...
I hate taking off my shirt.
133
00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:08,960
Why?
134
00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:10,701
I'm ashamed of my body.
Okay?
135
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,878
You're ashamed?
136
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:16,620
Of this beautiful wall
of deliciousness?
137
00:05:16,707 --> 00:05:18,666
Those words
make it so much worse.
138
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,363
I'm never swimming again.
139
00:05:20,450 --> 00:05:23,627
Even if George Lucas
invited me to a pool party
140
00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:26,500
in the swamps of Dagobah,
I'd still say no.
141
00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:30,852
I mean,
I'd go and check it out.
142
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:33,202
How many chances do you have
to meet Yoda?
143
00:05:33,289 --> 00:05:35,465
But I would not go
into the pool.
144
00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:37,206
ADULT ADAM: My mom hoped
she could save me.
145
00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:40,165
Meanwhile, my sister
was saving the world.
146
00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:43,125
What's all this about? It's the first meeting
of the social awareness club.
147
00:05:43,212 --> 00:05:45,649
Erica's dumb thing?
148
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:47,564
But it's packed.
And with cool kids.
How's this possible?
149
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:50,393
And that's when I decided
that I had to change
the world.
150
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:54,136
Wait, she's getting
interviewed by the
William Penn Mirror?
151
00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:56,659
Come on. Don't get all
jealous 'cause your sister's
making news.
152
00:05:56,747 --> 00:06:00,185
And me eating 32 fish sticks
in the cafeteria isn't?
153
00:06:00,272 --> 00:06:03,101
This is
classic media bias!
154
00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:05,147
Please tell me the paper
is writing an article about
155
00:06:05,234 --> 00:06:06,801
how you're the biggest poser
in school.
156
00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:09,020
No, because
I'm not a poser.
157
00:06:09,107 --> 00:06:11,458
But I did tell them
that you were one, poser.
158
00:06:11,545 --> 00:06:14,156
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy on the p-word, huh?
159
00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:16,201
What is this, a disco?
160
00:06:16,288 --> 00:06:19,553
I really love my community
and want to give back,
but Erica won't let me.
161
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,817
Please! He's joining
so that he can ruin my club
from the inside.
162
00:06:22,904 --> 00:06:25,950
You know, I think the Mirror
might be interested to know
163
00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:29,780
that a social awareness club
discriminates.
164
00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:31,086
What are you writing?
165
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:32,914
We don't discriminate.
166
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:35,482
Barry is welcome,
of course.
167
00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:36,396
You can quote me on that.
168
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:39,877
Hmm.
169
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,143
Okay, moving on
to our first fundraiser,
170
00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:47,711
I was thinking that a song
could inspire people,
171
00:06:47,798 --> 00:06:49,582
kind of like
We Are The World.
172
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:53,021
I think that we focus
on one issue
that's super-important today,
173
00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:54,501
helping the people of Africa.
174
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:55,676
Question. What?
175
00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:57,504
Why do you get to pick
the issue?
176
00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,027
Because it's the
most important one.
177
00:06:59,114 --> 00:07:01,464
To you, but what about
the rainforest
178
00:07:01,551 --> 00:07:03,205
or raising awareness
for the ozone
179
00:07:03,292 --> 00:07:05,250
or why Air Jordans
are so expensive?
180
00:07:05,337 --> 00:07:07,296
Air Jordans?
That's not even a cause.
181
00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:09,690
You know, I think the Mirror
might be interested to know
182
00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:12,867
a social awareness club
is run by a dictator.
183
00:07:12,954 --> 00:07:15,783
No, just put Barry's ideas
in your song, Erica.
184
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:18,438
Say, does anyone else have
an issue to be made aware of?
185
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:20,962
Perhaps my wonderful
girlfriend has a few.
186
00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:23,355
Now that I think of it,
there are, like,
way too many nuclear weapons.
187
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,575
Ooh! That's a good one.
Put it down.
188
00:07:25,662 --> 00:07:28,099
Yeah, but nuclear energy
is cleaner
than burning fossil fuels.
189
00:07:28,186 --> 00:07:29,884
That's true.
So write "Yes nukes."
190
00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:31,494
But I just wrote down
"No nukes."
191
00:07:31,581 --> 00:07:33,670
Who else has a cause?
Don't be shy.
192
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,759
Save the whales, bro.
Gotta do it.
193
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:37,718
Except the killer whales.
They're bad,
'cause they're killers.
194
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:39,415
So, I guess
save some whales?
195
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:41,808
That makes no sense. Write it down!
Come on! Shout it out!
196
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:43,245
There are no bad ideas.
197
00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:44,464
Poverty! Scrunchies!
198
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:46,074
Our town
needs a Bennigan's!
199
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:46,640
JOHNNY: Spay and neuter. NAKED ROB: Politics.
200
00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:48,598
ANDY: Acid rain.
201
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:50,426
ADULT ADAM: As Erica
was beginning to realize
she had a problem,
202
00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:52,602
my mom was trying
to solve mine.
203
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,691
What's shakin', bacon?
[SNAPPING]
204
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:57,041
You up
for a little chat about
205
00:07:57,128 --> 00:07:59,957
Oh, I don't know,
Star Wars,robots,
your body, video games?
206
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:02,394
Please, just go away.
207
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,746
Okay, not until you look
at yourself in the mirror.
Come on.
208
00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:11,708
Drink it all in.
209
00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:15,320
Now say
"I have a beautiful body."
210
00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:16,757
Yeah, not gonna happen.
211
00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:18,802
Oh, it will.
212
00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:21,675
Look in the mirror
and tell that beautiful body
just how beautiful it is.
213
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:22,893
You need to leave.
214
00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:24,286
Say it.
215
00:08:24,373 --> 00:08:26,941
No! Say "I have
a beautiful body."
216
00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:28,856
Never!
217
00:08:28,943 --> 00:08:32,076
Let me show you
how it's done.
[CLEARS THROAT]
218
00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:34,644
I like my eyes
'cause they sparkle.
219
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:38,342
I like my shoulders
'cause they look good with
or without pads. [CHUCKLES]
220
00:08:38,429 --> 00:08:41,390
I like my tummy
'cause it's where
I baked you.
221
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:44,959
Make it stop! Wait!
My little angel's a 10!
222
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:46,395
You are a 10!
223
00:08:46,482 --> 00:08:48,440
You're a [BLEEP] 10!
224
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,138
ADULT ADAM:
After that debacle,
225
00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:52,401
I needed a laugh,
so I turned to the
funniest movie
226
00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:55,752
about a dancing gopher
ever made,Caddyshack.
227
00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:59,234
But instead of cracking me up,
it gave me an idea.
228
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:03,325
I couldn't be expected
to swim if the pool
was suddenly shut down.
229
00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:06,415
Those poor schmucks think
someone had an accident,
230
00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:08,243
but it's just a candy bar!
231
00:09:08,330 --> 00:09:09,766
This movie is a hoot!
232
00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:11,942
[POPS LAUGHING]
233
00:09:12,029 --> 00:09:13,814
Things are just getting good.
Where you going, kiddo?
234
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:17,121
I suddenly got a craving
for a Baby Ruth.
235
00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:21,169
At 6:49 this morning,
our faithful janitor
236
00:09:21,256 --> 00:09:23,606
discovered a foreign object
in the pool.
237
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:26,391
Initially, we thought
the object was
238
00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:29,133
organic in nature,
239
00:09:29,220 --> 00:09:32,484
so we followed school protocol
and drained the facilities.
240
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,661
Upon closer inspection,
we determined
241
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:38,186
that the floater in question
was, in fact, a candy bar.
242
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:39,753
[ALL LAUGH]
243
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,320
Laugh it up, chuckleheads,
but Caddyshacking a pool
244
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:44,061
is a serious offense.[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
245
00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:45,540
I said no press!
246
00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:47,325
Damn it.
247
00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:49,066
Now this is gonna be
all over the Mirror.
248
00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:51,068
[ALL LAUGH] ADULT ADAM:
My plan had worked.
249
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:55,464
The question was, how long
could I get away with it?
250
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:57,248
[PIANO PLAYING] ♪ We don't want
a nuclear winter
251
00:09:57,335 --> 00:10:00,643
♪ That's why we need
a nuclear freeze
252
00:10:00,730 --> 00:10:02,950
♪ I know
that's confusing... ♪
253
00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,516
God. What the hell
rhymes with "freeze"?
254
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,301
Did someone say "Barry"?
255
00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:08,129
Get out!
256
00:10:08,216 --> 00:10:09,304
Because of you,
I have to write
a ridiculous song
257
00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:11,306
about every issue
in the world.
258
00:10:11,393 --> 00:10:14,483
Chill, girl.
Big Tasty's got the answer
to all your problems.
259
00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:15,702
Merch.
260
00:10:15,789 --> 00:10:16,920
Go away!
261
00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:18,705
Just hear me out.
262
00:10:18,792 --> 00:10:21,055
Songs are cute,
but if you want to start
making real cheddar,
263
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:22,273
merch is where it's at.
264
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,232
Why are you still here?
265
00:10:24,319 --> 00:10:27,539
Did you know
the Rolling Stones make 93%
of their money on t-shirts?
266
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,193
And the other 22%?
267
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,412
Stickers!
268
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:32,066
Merch, baby!
Merch!
269
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,545
I'm not doing
a thing you say.
270
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,851
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
271
00:10:34,938 --> 00:10:37,549
Reserve your judgment
until you see the back.
272
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,160
Are you kidding me?
273
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:40,770
Your merch is all about
getting you sneakers.
274
00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,337
Exactly!
275
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:44,861
You see, at first, I thought
you were just some dumb poser,
276
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:46,820
but then I realized
your dumb poser crap
277
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:49,344
can help get me
my Air Jordans.
278
00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,085
That's it! I don't care
what the Principal says.
You're out of my club.
279
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,869
You can't do that!I just did.
280
00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:55,698
Oh-ho. The Mirror'sgonna have
a field day with you, poser.
281
00:10:55,785 --> 00:10:58,527
Call me "poser" all you want.
I don't care anymore.
282
00:10:58,614 --> 00:11:01,312
In fact, you are worse
than a poser.
All you are is a joke.
283
00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:03,924
Oh, we'll see
who the joke is
284
00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:07,710
once I start my own
rival social awareness club
to raise money for barity.
285
00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:09,364
Barity?
That's not a thing.
286
00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:12,497
It's a Barry charity.
A barity.
287
00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:13,542
And it will crush
your charity.
288
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:16,284
Wha...
289
00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:19,200
Stop! Barry!
290
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:20,680
Stop it!
291
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:22,812
All right, listen up!
292
00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:26,033
I figured keeping you here
hours after class
would flush out our prankster.
293
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,644
Alvin, our janitor,
gave me that pun.
294
00:11:28,731 --> 00:11:32,561
If the culprit doesn't
come forward by next class,
you will all be punished!
295
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:34,824
But know this,
I will find you.
296
00:11:34,911 --> 00:11:36,391
ADULT ADAM:
My time was running out,
297
00:11:36,478 --> 00:11:38,698
so my only option
was to create confusion.
298
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:41,657
Whoever did this,
stop being a putz
and just admit it.
299
00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:44,268
Honestly, dude,
we were all kind
of thinking it was you.
300
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:47,054
Guys, it can't be me.
That would be too obvious.
301
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:48,708
It's always the last person
that you suspect.
302
00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:51,275
Don't nod at me.
303
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:53,582
Everyone knows
Dave Kim's allergic to nuts.
304
00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:56,367
And how do you just happen
to know that candy bar
had nuts?
305
00:11:56,454 --> 00:11:58,021
They all have nuts!
306
00:11:58,108 --> 00:11:59,544
Not Milky Way.
That's nougat.
307
00:11:59,631 --> 00:12:02,809
Nougat is nuts! You're making that up.
308
00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:04,811
The primary ingredients
in nougat are
309
00:12:04,898 --> 00:12:07,378
sugar, nuts,
and egg whites.
310
00:12:07,465 --> 00:12:10,599
ADULT ADAM:
Like a criminal mastermind,
I had created confusion,
311
00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,122
and it was glorious.
312
00:12:12,209 --> 00:12:15,038
But Erica was about to create
confusion of a different kind.
313
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:16,779
Hey, Lainey. Yeah, Erica?
314
00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:17,737
When did the earth die?
315
00:12:17,824 --> 00:12:19,477
TOGETHER: Today.
316
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:22,350
Unless you open your eyes
and your wallets.
317
00:12:22,437 --> 00:12:25,092
Uno, dos, tres... Cuatro.
318
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:29,879
♪ Listen up, America,
let's get socially aware
319
00:12:29,966 --> 00:12:31,576
♪ Stop thinkin' about yourself
320
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:34,536
♪ Your clothes, your grades,
your hair
321
00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:36,625
♪ Stop the nukes
and pollution
322
00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:39,497
♪ Acid rain
is not our friend
323
00:12:39,584 --> 00:12:41,586
♪ Save the whales, the ozone
324
00:12:41,673 --> 00:12:44,372
♪ And we'd love
to get a Bennigan's
325
00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:46,635
♪ We'll fix the world
326
00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:49,638
♪ Yes, every problem
327
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:51,727
♪ There's way too many
on this list
328
00:12:51,814 --> 00:12:53,076
♪ But we will solve them
329
00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:57,689
♪ We want
a two-day school week
330
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,735
♪ And Lando Calrissian
for President ♪
331
00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:02,303
♪ And relax
the school's policy on nudity
332
00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:04,348
♪ And I want
a date with Erica...
333
00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:06,960
Geoff,
stop changing the words.
334
00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:09,527
♪ No, acid rain,
yes, recycling
335
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:12,052
♪ But no more death penalty
336
00:13:12,139 --> 00:13:13,967
♪ Unless the guy
really deserves it
337
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:16,317
♪ Then zap him,
I'd agree
338
00:13:16,404 --> 00:13:18,232
♪ Or her
339
00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:20,190
♪ 'Cause we're
for equal rights,
340
00:13:20,277 --> 00:13:23,498
♪ As well
341
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,068
♪ We'll fix the world
342
00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:32,072
♪ Yes, every problem
343
00:13:32,159 --> 00:13:34,770
♪ No matter
how dumb they are
344
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:36,511
♪ Yes, we will solve them... [INDISTINCT WHISPERING]
345
00:13:36,598 --> 00:13:38,774
Guys. Guys,
they're leaving.
346
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:41,821
Wait... What? Wait, stop!
We have 10 more verses!
347
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:44,084
Doughnuts!
Charitable doughnuts
for sale!
348
00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:45,302
What the...
349
00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:48,828
Don't be shy.
All doughnuts go to barity.
350
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:50,568
What the hell is this?
351
00:13:50,655 --> 00:13:52,701
Victory. My friend Terrance,
he works at the Wawa.
352
00:13:52,788 --> 00:13:54,790
He gave me all the
day-old doughnuts
they were gonna trash.
353
00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:57,140
You people are eating
garbage pastries.
354
00:13:57,227 --> 00:13:59,229
Why don't you write a song
about it, Bob Dylan?
355
00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:01,275
One glazed, please.
356
00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:05,322
This isn't a charity.
It's exchanging money
for goods. It's a business.
357
00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:08,151
You're just jealous,
'cause I'm changing the world
one doughnut at a time.
358
00:14:08,238 --> 00:14:10,414
Fine. I give up. So you admit it.
359
00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:12,286
You're the poser, not me.
360
00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:14,723
I just wanted
to do something important,
361
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,856
but I guess
you were right.
362
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:20,163
[VOICE BREAKING]
No one cares,
and no matter how hard I try,
363
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,556
I'll never
make a difference.
364
00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:27,910
MELLOR: Two days!
365
00:14:27,997 --> 00:14:30,913
It's been
two long, swimless days,
366
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:35,135
and our prankster
still hasn't admitted
to Caddyshacking the pool.
367
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:37,485
Until our culprit
comes forward,
368
00:14:37,572 --> 00:14:40,836
you will all run laps
every day, all period long.
369
00:14:42,577 --> 00:14:44,057
Mirsky.
370
00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:46,189
So, you're saying
we run laps
instead of swimming?
371
00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,625
That's right. Nice!
372
00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:51,151
Wait, hold on.
Stop, stop, stop.
373
00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:53,805
You're telling me you'd rather
run laps indefinitely
than get in the pool?
374
00:14:54,589 --> 00:14:55,938
ALL: Yeah.
375
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:57,287
ADAM: Yeah Yeah. That's good.
376
00:14:57,374 --> 00:14:59,420
Well, in that case
377
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:01,857
swimming for the
rest of the year!
378
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:03,815
We can't just swim all year.
What about basketball?
379
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,469
It'll be water basketball.
380
00:15:05,556 --> 00:15:07,341
Dodgeball? Pool dodgeball.
381
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:09,647
Crab soccer? You'll be on rafts.
382
00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:11,301
[ALL GASP]
383
00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:13,521
For the love of god,
whoever did this,
just admit it.
384
00:15:13,608 --> 00:15:15,610
Okay, fine.
I know who did it.
385
00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:17,264
The other day
after class, Adam...
386
00:15:19,266 --> 00:15:21,485
...made us realize
it was Dave Kim.
387
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:22,834
What?
388
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:23,923
I didn't see that coming.
389
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,012
Dave Kim, my office.
390
00:15:26,099 --> 00:15:27,970
It's a setup!
It couldn't
have been me!
391
00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:29,319
Nougat is nuts.
392
00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:31,713
The primary ingredient
is nuts.
393
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,540
Maybe we're being
a little hasty.
394
00:15:33,628 --> 00:15:34,629
You can't protect him
now, Goldfarb.
395
00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:37,066
He made his choice.
396
00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:39,155
Not so funny now,
are you, candyman?
397
00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:47,381
[GROANS] Hey!
398
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:51,733
"Caddyshame"?
399
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,822
Dave Kim is guilty?
400
00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:55,867
I cannot believe this.
401
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,782
Everybody knows
Dave Kim is
allergic to nuts,
402
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,784
and nougat is nuts.
403
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:02,309
No, this has Adam
written all over it.
404
00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:04,572
We've watched that movie
a million times.
405
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:07,357
No! Adam wouldn't do that.
406
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:10,926
I solved his problems
by forcing him
to love his body.
407
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:13,102
Nobody wants to hear
that sort of thing
from their mother.
408
00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:14,364
Well, if that's true,
409
00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:16,976
then I suppose he needs
to hear it from his father.
410
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:18,368
Or his grandfather.
411
00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:20,631
I'm not saying that
weird stuff to the boy.
412
00:16:20,718 --> 00:16:21,981
We keep it loose.
413
00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:24,679
Murray, you need
to do this!
414
00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:27,160
Now go up there and tell him
he has a beautiful body
415
00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:30,032
before he believes
he doesn't.
416
00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:33,122
ADULT ADAM: And so my dad
set off to tell me
I had a beautiful body.
417
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,995
Hey. Uh, how you doing?
418
00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:37,518
Why are you in my room?
419
00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:39,781
Just came by to say "Hi"
and... [MUMBLES]
420
00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:41,391
What?
421
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:42,740
To tell you
you got a beautiful body.
422
00:16:42,827 --> 00:16:44,915
What? You know, that you got
a beautiful body.
423
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,919
See, you keep trailing off,
specifically at the end.
424
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,183
You got a beautiful body.
425
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:52,489
This body of yours...
Beautiful!
426
00:16:52,576 --> 00:16:53,751
Don't ever
tell me that again!
427
00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:56,102
Deal. But...
428
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:58,669
Let's be truthful.
429
00:16:58,756 --> 00:17:01,281
You don't have
a beautiful body.Thanks.
430
00:17:01,368 --> 00:17:03,457
You're in middle school.
431
00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:06,851
Your body,
it's stinky and greasy
432
00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:09,244
and it's growing too fast.
433
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:12,770
And when you talk,
it's...it's like a...
434
00:17:12,857 --> 00:17:14,207
A broken kazoo.
435
00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:16,773
Those days were horrible.
436
00:17:16,861 --> 00:17:18,950
[STUTTERS] I remember them.
I really do.
437
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,560
Since when have
you had a shred
438
00:17:20,647 --> 00:17:22,388
of insecurity
about your body?
439
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:24,868
You'll go anywhere
in your tighty-whities.
440
00:17:24,955 --> 00:17:26,393
That's now.
441
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,004
When I was your age,
I hated my body.
442
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:31,224
The good news is,
I grew up,
443
00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:33,617
and life beat me down
so hard
444
00:17:33,704 --> 00:17:35,489
that I eventually
stopped caring.
445
00:17:35,576 --> 00:17:38,796
And someday, life will
crap on you so hard
446
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,451
that you'll stop
caring, too!
447
00:17:41,538 --> 00:17:43,540
That's...
Oddly comforting.
448
00:17:43,627 --> 00:17:44,759
Trust me.
449
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:45,977
Eventually, you'll realize
450
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,241
it doesn't matter
what other people think.
451
00:17:48,328 --> 00:17:52,462
ADULT ADAM: Thanks to my dad,
I knew I had to take a stand.
452
00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:54,073
All right, everybody,
settle in.
453
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,206
Gonna watch this jokester
do laps for the next hour.
454
00:17:57,293 --> 00:17:58,903
Anything you'd
like to say
455
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:01,776
before you begin
your aquatic odyssey?
456
00:18:01,863 --> 00:18:04,213
I didn't do it.
457
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:05,867
ADUL ADAM:
It was time to be a man
458
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,564
and take responsibility
for what I'd done.
459
00:18:07,651 --> 00:18:09,349
Wait.
460
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:12,352
I did it.
I caddyshacked the pool.
461
00:18:12,439 --> 00:18:14,484
[STUDENTS GASP] Innocent!
462
00:18:14,571 --> 00:18:16,443
Look, this wasn't
some prank.
463
00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:19,185
I did it
because I hate swimming.
464
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:21,230
We all do.
465
00:18:21,317 --> 00:18:23,711
We dread having to
wear our swimsuits
in front of each other
466
00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:27,018
because we feel super-weird
about our super-weird bodies.
467
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:30,413
So if it's a crime
to be self-conscious,
468
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:32,285
then I guess I'm guilty.
469
00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:34,852
But just ask yourself...
470
00:18:34,939 --> 00:18:37,986
Isn't that
punishment enough?
471
00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:40,162
No. A month's detention.
472
00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:41,381
Balls.
473
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:43,034
As for
the rest of you...
474
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,079
Is he right?
475
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:46,081
ALL: Yeah.
476
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:47,648
All right, look.
477
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:50,129
I know not everyone
is in peak
physical condition,
478
00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:51,913
like coach.
479
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,480
A lot of you
got baby fat.
480
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:56,047
Some of you are gangly,
spaghetti-armed monsters.
481
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,268
Others just look like
a sack of paste.
482
00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:01,879
But if this is
how you feel,
then I am willing
483
00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:04,447
to make even the worst of you
a little more comfortable.
484
00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:06,623
ADULT ADAM:
That's the crazy thing
about growing up...
485
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:09,974
Help comes when
you least expect it...
486
00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:12,063
From the people
you expect the least from.
487
00:19:13,761 --> 00:19:14,805
What's this?
488
00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:16,720
Consider it
a baritable donation
489
00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:18,331
to your
social whatever club.
490
00:19:18,418 --> 00:19:19,897
But this is
your Air Jordan money.
491
00:19:19,984 --> 00:19:21,160
Why would you
give this to me?
492
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:24,032
Look, maybe you are
a poser, but so am I.
493
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:27,035
Don't tell anyone,
but I can't dunk
on Charles Barkley.
494
00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:28,471
I'm not in the Yakuza.
495
00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:29,907
And even though
it looks like it,
496
00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:31,953
my body's not as cut
as LL Cool J's.
497
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,607
Well, your secret's
safe with me.
498
00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:36,436
So, we're both posers,
and so are all our friends.
499
00:19:36,523 --> 00:19:39,787
I guess we're all just
trying to figure it out.
500
00:19:39,874 --> 00:19:42,050
But the one thing
I do know...
501
00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:43,704
You will definitely
make a difference.
502
00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:47,708
Thanks, Barry.
Thank you.
503
00:19:47,795 --> 00:19:50,580
ADULT ADAM: When we're young,
we're all just trying
to figure out who we are.
504
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:52,408
Donate to make
a change, people.
505
00:19:52,495 --> 00:19:56,717
If it's an issue
you care about,
it's on this shirt.
506
00:19:56,804 --> 00:19:59,372
And sometimes
other people see our
potential before we do.
507
00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:03,071
Poopie. You like the jams.
508
00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:06,292
I thought maybe
I'd wear them to swim class.
509
00:20:06,379 --> 00:20:09,251
And even though
it's scary to not know
where you're going,
510
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:11,514
with people who love you,
you know you'll be okay.
511
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:13,168
I made him
feel beautiful.
512
00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:17,085
You sure did, Bev.
513
00:20:17,172 --> 00:20:20,175
At times, you'll struggle
to be comfortable
in your own skin,
514
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:21,959
but if you look around,
515
00:20:22,046 --> 00:20:23,570
you'll find you're in
pretty great company.
516
00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:25,049
[BLOWS WHISTLE ]
517
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:30,577
♪ Alive and kicking
518
00:20:30,664 --> 00:20:35,059
♪ Stay until your love is
519
00:20:35,146 --> 00:20:39,977
♪ Alive and kicking
520
00:20:40,064 --> 00:20:41,457
♪ Alive
521
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:46,288
[KIDS SCREAMING PLAYFULLY]
522
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,991
Crazy-awesome news...
523
00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:55,645
My barity is back
in full effect.
524
00:20:55,732 --> 00:20:57,299
Dear God.
525
00:20:57,386 --> 00:20:58,822
How do you keep making
these t-shirts so fast?
526
00:20:58,909 --> 00:21:01,303
Mom's got iron-on decals
of all our faces.
527
00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:02,565
Check mine out.
528
00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:03,914
No, take it off!
529
00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:05,089
Focus!
530
00:21:05,176 --> 00:21:06,439
I wanted to let you know
531
00:21:06,526 --> 00:21:07,918
I took a page
out of your book,
532
00:21:08,005 --> 00:21:10,094
wrote a dope song to raise
money for a good cause.
533
00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:11,531
Kick it, JTP.
534
00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:14,185
[BEATBOXING]
535
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:16,318
[RAPPING]
♪ Poverty, pollution,
the world ain't fair
536
00:21:16,405 --> 00:21:18,886
♪ What this planet needs
is clean water and air ♪
537
00:21:18,973 --> 00:21:20,017
ALL: Jordans!
538
00:21:20,104 --> 00:21:21,454
Stop, stop, stop!
539
00:21:22,716 --> 00:21:23,847
That was amazing,
540
00:21:23,934 --> 00:21:24,979
and you definitely
need to do it
541
00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:26,154
in front of
the whole school.
542
00:21:26,241 --> 00:21:27,677
Yes! Philanthropy!
Barry wins!
41881
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