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1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:04,705
ADULT ADAM: Back in the day,
I was a ridiculously cute kid.
2
00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:07,308
Yes! I am literally
the coolest man alive!
3
00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:09,277
I'm not bragging.
It's just pure fact.
4
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,811
My God,
you're so cute!
5
00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:13,181
I just want to scrumple you up
and eat you whole!
6
00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:15,816
But of course,
no one stays a kid forever.
7
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:18,018
Yeah.
8
00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:19,387
You sure about this?
9
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:21,189
People are gonna know
I'm covering up a zit.
10
00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:24,292
Don't worry, pal.
I'll just tell everyone in
school I pummeled your face.
11
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:27,061
You're a good brother.
The best.
12
00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:30,864
Here, you got a giant one
forming on your forehead, too.
13
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:34,335
Maybe I could hide
the pimples, but the rest
was hard to mask.
14
00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:36,170
Let's go! Hustle!
15
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:37,905
This is called scooter ball,
16
00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:40,241
not "sit in the corner
and talk to Kevin" ball.
17
00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:41,709
I began to smell different.
18
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,711
Whoa, Goldfarb!
19
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:44,845
Wheel it in!
20
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:47,548
Time for a private huddle!
21
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,750
I'm gonna put this
delicately, kid.
22
00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:51,552
You smell like
a gym sock's butt.
23
00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:53,121
Uh, thanks.
24
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:55,089
You smell like
a garlic diaper.
Thanks?
25
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,825
You smell like egg salad
left in a humidifier.
Thanks.
26
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,761
I assume you don't notice
since you live
with that stink 24/7.
27
00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:02,196
Oh, no, I smell it.
28
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:04,465
There's half a Speed Stick
in my desk.
29
00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:06,900
It's yours now.
Be liberal with it.
30
00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,236
Coach is
on your team here.
31
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,271
That's why
I pulled you aside
to avoid embarrassment.
32
00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:13,641
I guess I wish you would have
pulled me aside
just a little farther.
33
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:18,379
ADULT ADAM: I was eating
like an animal
and suddenly seeing
34
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,948
every woman I came across
in a new light.
35
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:23,917
You seen my, uh, TV guide
with Sally Jessy Raphael
on the cover?
36
00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,386
Mmm-mmm, nope.
37
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:26,487
Hmm.
38
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:30,158
Every woman.
39
00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:31,525
Man, oh, man.
40
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,295
Those looks
and emotional intelligence
to boot?
41
00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:36,464
Whoa.
42
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,632
But worst of all,
it affected my favorite
activity in the world,
43
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,501
the annual school musical.
44
00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:42,136
Welcome, Mr. Goldberg.
45
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,305
I have a feeling
that this might be
the year
46
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,773
that you finally break out
of the chorus.
47
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:48,642
(PIANO PLAYING)
48
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:51,779
* I'm watching sis
go pitter pat
49
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:54,615
* Said, I can do that,
I can do that *
50
00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:57,084
ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
I could not do that.
51
00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,887
(SIGHS)
Well, you, um...
You really...
52
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,088
Really sang it.
53
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:02,723
You sang it.
54
00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,725
I know in past years
I was upset when you put me
in the chorus.
55
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,660
But I'm thinking this year,
it feels right.
56
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,728
Done.
You're in the chorus.
57
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:10,497
Oh, thank God.
58
00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:13,267
Chorus line,
which is a lead!
59
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:14,535
But I'm in the chorus.
60
00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,170
Line.
Oh, thank God.
61
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:18,038
Which means
you have a big solo.
62
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:19,840
But I'm in the chorus.
Line.
63
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:23,211
But did you not hear
the sounds I just made?
64
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:26,714
Adam, every boy your age
sounds like you.
65
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:28,449
And, honestly,
I don't have that much
to work with here,
66
00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:29,783
so I might as well
just give the leads
67
00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:31,118
to the most
enthusiastic kids.
68
00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:33,787
Balls.
Yeah, balls.
69
00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:37,725
Okay, uh,
let's take it from the top.
Sing it with me.
70
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:40,494
BOTH:
* I'm watching sis go
pitter pat
71
00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:41,595
Try to stay in the key.
72
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,064
* I'm watching sis
go pitter pat
73
00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:45,766
You're kind of all over
the map. Okay.
74
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,369
* I'm watching sis
go pitter pat
75
00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:49,570
* I can do that
76
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:50,904
You know,
it's mostly a dance show,
77
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:52,506
and you bring a lot
of dance energy.
78
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,408
You'll get it.
Balls.
79
00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,010
* I'm twisted up inside
80
00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:59,913
* But nonetheless
I feel the need to say"
81
00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:04,418
* I don't know the future
82
00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:07,255
* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *
83
00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:11,158
ADULT ADAM: It was
September 30, 1980-something,
84
00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:14,362
and my brother
and his idiot posse, the JTP,
85
00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,364
were gearing up
for the homecoming dance.
86
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,998
What's happening?
What is this?
87
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:20,568
Homecoming's in four days,
so it's time to give my boys
88
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:23,070
a crash-course lesson
on how to groove
like Milli Vanilli.
89
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,939
We all kind of told our dates
that we could dance,
so thank God for Barry.
90
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:28,376
No.
Thank God for Milli.
91
00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:30,077
Vanilli, not so much.
92
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:31,812
Wait, wait.
You choose Milli
over Vanilli?
93
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,314
He's got the body
and the moves.
94
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:35,716
Uh, if he's so great,
then why isn't it
Vanilli Milli?
95
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,218
Milli proceeds Vanilli,
so suck it.
96
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:39,753
You suck it.
You suck it.
97
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:43,156
Wow, even you three boneheads
found a date to the dance.
98
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,392
Kind of makes you think,
huh?
99
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,293
Like maybe you need
a date for once?
100
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,429
What are you talking about?
I date.
BARRY: No.
101
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:49,997
You third-wheel
me and Lainey.
102
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,765
Look, the only reason
why I haven't been on a date
103
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,501
is because there's no one
at our school worth dating.
104
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,436
Well, if you want to go
to homecoming with me,
105
00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:56,937
I'll totally drop
my foxy lady.
106
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:58,472
Your foxy lady's
your cousin.
107
00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:00,408
Second-cousin.
Totally different
blood line.
108
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:01,609
Probably not gonna
do stuff, though.
109
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,477
She looks just like me
with a perm.
110
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:05,946
Erica, you know I love you,
but you're kind of closed off
and way too picky.
111
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,548
I mean, stay away from Geoff,
obviously,
112
00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:09,717
but you got to give
someone a chance.
113
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:12,920
How is it my fault
that every guy in our school
is an unbearable moron?
114
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:15,656
That's another thing.
You've got to stop calling
everyone a moron.
115
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:18,326
Morons!
You're being too loud!
116
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,494
Find another house
to stupid up.
117
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:24,031
Oh. My. God.
You're just like dad!
118
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,832
Way to go, Mur-man.
119
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:28,336
Years of calling everyone
on the planet a moron
120
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:31,038
has poisoned
your daughter's love life
and left her cold and alone.
121
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,073
So you're telling me
that I've raised a daughter
122
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:36,243
who doesn't want to date
dumbass high-school boys?
123
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:37,678
I think
I've done my job.
124
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,780
Come on.
Let us help you find someone.
125
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,248
Go on.
Describe your perfect guy.
126
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:44,318
Well, he'd be
a mysterious
handsome outsider
127
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,820
with a trench coat,
a sexy voice,
128
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:50,957
and a thriving acting career
where he plays the
thinking girl's heartthrob.
129
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:54,161
Dude, you're just describing
Christian Slater.
130
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:55,963
Seriously?
You're a lost cause.
131
00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:57,965
Well, you asked.
132
00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:00,133
Look, if a guy
like Christian Slater
walks through that door,
133
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,336
I promise you I will go
with him to homecoming.
134
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,104
Christian Slater, huh?
135
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:05,773
You want the coolest guy
in the world?
You got him.
136
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:06,940
What's that?
137
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,444
Nothing,
I just farted. I...
138
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:11,779
I farted.
139
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,048
I fart... I gotta go.
140
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:18,318
ADULT ADAM: While Geoff
was hatching a plan,
I was out of options.
141
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:20,954
(GASPS)
There's my
tiny snuggle angel.
142
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:25,426
Stop it!
I'm not tiny
or snuggly or angel-y.
143
00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:26,927
Tough day
at the office, kiddo?
144
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,630
The worst.
I got the lead
in the musical.
145
00:05:29,697 --> 00:05:31,999
Schmoo, that's fantastic.
That's all
you've ever wanted.
146
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,101
Not anymore.
147
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,336
My face is breaking out,
my pits are stinking,
148
00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:40,207
and my voice is very,
very unpredictable.
149
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:42,242
I finally get
the part of a lifetime,
150
00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:44,111
and I'm gonna just
humiliate myself.
151
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:47,381
Ah, yes, the wondrous journey
through puberty.
152
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,182
It's not wondrous.
It's awful.
153
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:51,118
Well, you've come
to the right place.
154
00:05:51,183 --> 00:05:52,753
Oh, no.
155
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,088
It's my duty
to help you out,
baby bro.
156
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:59,627
Only Big Tasty can guide
you through what many call
"the pubening."
157
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,861
No one calls it that.
158
00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:02,896
First,
stop washing your face.
159
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:05,666
You'll go through
a very shiny,
greasy couple of months.
160
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,935
But eventually,
your natural oils reach
a healthy balance.
161
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,437
Why does he do this?
I don't know.
162
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:13,173
Second, always shave dry
and against the grain,
163
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:16,577
attacking the follicles
in a jerky, zig-zag pattern.
164
00:06:16,644 --> 00:06:18,646
And third,
never use deodorant.
165
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:22,082
That's just something
that big corporations
made up to take your money.
166
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:25,018
Simply apply
a healthy layer
of Vaseline to the armpit
167
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,286
and let it seal in
the stink.
168
00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:27,688
He's still going.
He means well.
169
00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:31,024
Think of me as a resource.
I'm here for you, bro.
170
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:34,928
Thank you, boopie.
So helpful.
171
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:37,798
Forget everything
you just heard.
172
00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:40,233
If anyone understands
what you're going through,
it's mama.
173
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:44,071
No offense, Mom,
but you have no idea
how hard this is for me.
174
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,039
Please, I've watched
two children
175
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:47,841
go through the pubening.
(CHUCKLES)
176
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,811
Heck, I even
went through it myself
at the tender age of 9.
177
00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:52,079
It wasn't ideal.
178
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,581
They used
to call me "Booberly."
179
00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:55,649
But this is
just something all of us
180
00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:57,651
had to suffer through
on our own.
181
00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:58,952
Now you will, too.
182
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:02,456
Or completely
skip over.
183
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,024
Hmm?
184
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:06,527
With my guidance,
I'll take this
horrible time
185
00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:09,630
and make it smooth, easy,
and maybe a little bit fun.
186
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:11,699
Are you actually saying
you could save me
from puberty?
187
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,133
No! She can't.
188
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,403
Yes, that is exactly
what I'm saying.
189
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,606
At this point,
I got nothing to lose.
190
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:19,940
Show me
what you got, lady.
191
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:21,775
ADULT ADAM: While I put
my faith in my mother,
192
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:24,812
Geoff Schwartz
put his in Christian Slater.
193
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:27,147
Greetings and salutations.
194
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,816
Lovely home
you got here.
195
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,619
What's going on?
Why are you talking
like a jackass?
196
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:35,055
Erica said she wanted
a Christian Slater,
so here I am.
197
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,758
I know it's a long shot,
but I just think
your daughter's amazing.
198
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,860
And if you approve,
I'd love to take her
to homecoming.
199
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,129
Erica!
200
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,964
You've got
a gentleman suitor.
201
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,466
You're one
of the good ones, Mr. G.
202
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:47,668
ERICA: A gentleman what?
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
203
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,540
Greetings and salutations.
204
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:56,308
I was just skateboarding by,
gleaming the cube and whatnot.
205
00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:58,245
Thought we could go
grab a slushie.
206
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:01,214
Oh, my God, are you trying
to impress me by acting
like Christian slater?
207
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,150
Is it working?
No.
208
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,018
And your clip-on earring
just popped off.
209
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,454
Okay, look, I, I just...
I think you're great,
okay?
210
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,256
I have since, like,
second grade.
211
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,158
Now, I know I made promises
to my cousin,
212
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,961
but maybe we could go
to homecoming together?
213
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,696
Oh, Geoff,
this was sweet,
214
00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:18,065
but I have a pretty firm
"no moron" policy.
215
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:20,200
Question,
am I in that category?
For sure.
216
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:23,403
Uh, so, um... Okay,
so I'll put you down
for a "maybe."
217
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:28,108
God, what a putz.
Am I right?
218
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,544
ADULT ADAM: At that moment,
my dad realized that perhaps
219
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:33,881
his judgmental nature
may have rubbed off
on his daughter.
220
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:36,183
And he decided
to do something about it.
221
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,753
Wow, who knew
so many interesting
222
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,355
and attractive young men
went to this school?
223
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:44,256
They're okay, I guess.
224
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,226
Yeah, lots of fellas who look
like they'd be worth
getting to know.
225
00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,928
I should put myself
out there more.
226
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:51,832
Oh, look at that one
with the stylish scarf
and the sketchbook...
227
00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,300
A poet and an artist,
I bet.
228
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,868
That's Dan.
(CHUCKLES)
229
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:57,070
He's shy, but I think
I could crack open that nut.
230
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,839
Hey, how about
that hot shot?
231
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:01,441
Is he a swimmer?
He's built like a swimmer.
232
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,343
Look at those shoulders.
He swims, for sure.
233
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,879
Will you shut up?
I'm not even talking
to you.
234
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,981
Well, I certainly hope
you're not talking to me.
235
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:11,018
Hey, take it from someone
who doesn't like people.
236
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:14,421
If you close yourself off,
you're gonna
miss out on a lot.
237
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,189
So my dad wants me
to date more?
238
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,791
It's homecoming!
239
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:19,860
There's got to be
a nice guy somewhere
who deserves a chance.
240
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:21,328
You're right!
241
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,096
I'm gonna go ask Dan
to sit with me at lunch,
242
00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:24,698
see what makes
that guy tick.
243
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,266
(GROANS)
Thanks, Dad.
244
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:28,135
Yes, this is amazing!
245
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,638
Your dad actually
provided you
with real wisdom for once.
246
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:32,472
Chill, I didn't say
I was going to the dance.
247
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:35,342
I just said
I would consider it
if an idiot asked me.
248
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,277
Got it.
We'll play it cool
and casually spread the word.
249
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:39,947
Attention, entire school!
250
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,949
This is Erica Goldberg,
251
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:45,152
and she will go
to homecoming
with anyone willing to ask.
252
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:47,154
Barry, sit your ass down
right now.
253
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,857
Uh, to clarify,
she's not a desperate loser.
254
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:53,126
She's just super closed-off,
and the door's open a crack.
(CHUCKLES)
255
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:55,829
Which reminds me, Dan,
we're hanging out
after school.
256
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:57,698
I, I have a dentist
appointment, bro.
257
00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,466
Cancel it!
We're building
something here!
258
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,069
Get down.
259
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:03,603
Subtle. Thank you.
260
00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:05,839
Well, the good news is
now we can just
sit back and wait.
261
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,474
Well, don't hold
your breath.
(SCOFFS)
262
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,542
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
263
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:13,446
'Sup?
264
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:14,782
Hi.
265
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:17,050
I'm Johnny Atkins.
Heard you needed a date
to homecoming.
266
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,686
Sure, I guess.
267
00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,387
You ever been out
with a first chair
in the school band before?
268
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,655
No.
269
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,490
Well, it's everything
you ever imagined.
270
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:26,026
I'll phone you,
saxophone you.
271
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:27,861
We're gonna have fun.
272
00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:29,596
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
273
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:33,200
Dude's confident,
I'll give him that.
274
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:34,634
You've got a date
to the dance.
275
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,269
Everybody's happy,
and it all worked out.
276
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:37,671
What did I miss?
277
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:39,472
We met a first chair
in the school band.
278
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,108
ADULT ADAM: While Erica
landed a date,
279
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:44,144
I landed a seat
at the Gimbels makeup counter.
280
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:46,880
What kind of sorcery
is this?
281
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,915
My giant zits are gone!
282
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,686
Mama made you
a promise.
283
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:55,923
Now your adorable punim
is ready to light up
that stage.
284
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:58,358
Just one problem,
My singing voice.
285
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,160
My mom couldn't fix that.
286
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:03,363
That is, until some news broke
that shook the country.
287
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:05,032
They've become
international stars.
288
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,867
But behind the braids
and break-dancing,
289
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,702
it's been discovered
that Milli Vanilli
290
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:11,538
neither sang on their albums
nor at their concerts.
291
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:14,407
That's unreal.
They fooled everyone.
292
00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:17,610
Yes, they really did.
293
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:20,247
And maybe
you can fool everyone, too.
294
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,648
What are you
talking about?
295
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,084
Say that again
only just mouth the words.
296
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,186
(MOUTHING)
What are you talking about?
297
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,122
Did that look
as good as it felt?
298
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,390
Better!
(GASPS)
299
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:32,392
Problem solved, love bug!
300
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:35,195
We're gonna Milli Vanilli
the (BLEEP)
out of that musical.
301
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:40,868
ADULT ADAM:
My dad suggested that Erica
take a chance on someone.
302
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:43,536
Unfortunately,
that someone was this dude.
303
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,806
Yo. Is Erica here?
304
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:48,375
Yo. She's upstairs.
Who are you?
305
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,344
Johnny Atkins.
Yeah.
306
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,782
That Johnny Atkins.
I'm her dad.
307
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:57,985
Yeah, that dad.
308
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,119
Mind if I just
head up?
309
00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:00,653
Actually, I do.
310
00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:06,226
Zang! Atkins likes.
311
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,661
All right, can I talk to you
in the other room
away from this person?
312
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,330
Sure. Oh.
313
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,736
Who the hell is that?
314
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:18,906
It's my date
to the dance on Saturday.
He wanted to hang.
315
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:20,908
That kid's your date?
He's a moron.
316
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:23,043
Well, you're the guy
who told me to give
the morons a chance.
317
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,012
But I meant other morons.
What other morons?
318
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,280
Nice morons!
Morons like
that Geoff kid.
319
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,049
Schwartz?
He's a moron.
320
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:31,584
They're all morons!
That's what I'm saying.
321
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:34,021
But any other moron
is better than that moron.
322
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,755
This is ridiculous.
323
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:39,092
I took your advice,
but you don't get
to actually choose who I date.
324
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,661
My dad's plans for Erica
may have fallen apart.
(SIGHS)
325
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:43,997
But my mom's plan
for me only needed
326
00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:46,599
to get past one person
for it to succeed.
327
00:12:46,665 --> 00:12:48,902
Susan,
I really appreciate you
328
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,071
agreeing to see me
on such short notice.
329
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:53,473
Technically, I didn't agree.
You just barged in
during third period
330
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,342
and yelled
"class dismissed."
331
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:58,711
Point is, I understand
you're putting together a cast
for this year's musical,
332
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,648
and it's presented
some challenges.
333
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:04,251
It's a real suck show.
Uh, you're gonna be great.
334
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,186
I won't be,
but that's sweet to say.
335
00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:08,989
Well, what if I had a way
to solve your problems,
336
00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:11,624
a way to make this
your biggest hit yet?
337
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,894
Mrs. Goldberg, we have been
through this in the past.
338
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,162
You can't be
in the musical.
339
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:18,365
No, no, I...
I've come to accept that.
340
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:21,101
I'm talking
about a different
approach entirely.
341
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,436
Have you heard of this
Milli Vanilli scandal?
342
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,772
Big fan. It hit me hard.
343
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,540
Oh, I'm sorry.
344
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:29,943
But what if someone
could do the same thing
345
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:32,645
only without making
the same sloppy mistakes?
346
00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:36,984
Are you actually suggesting
that Adam lip-sync his songs
in the show?
347
00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:40,620
God, I guess hearing it
out loud, it really does sound
insane, even for me.
348
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:41,989
Screw it. I'm in.
349
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:43,423
Really?
I'll get all the kids
to do it.
350
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,790
I mean, what choice
do I have?
351
00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:46,559
None. Yay.
352
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,061
Yay.
Yay!
353
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,098
Mouth it. Yay!
354
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,801
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
355
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,269
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, Johnny.
356
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:02,009
Yo, looking forward
to Saturday night.
Me too.
357
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,978
So I'll pick up Carla first,
be at your place
around 7:00, cool?
358
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,479
Cool.
(CHUCKLES)
359
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:07,847
Wait, what?
360
00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:09,816
Yeah, I'm also giving her
a ride to the dance.
361
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:12,652
And she can hang out with us.
And dance with us.
362
00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:15,088
Are you taking both of us
to the dance?
363
00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:17,224
Classic Johnny Atkins,
am I right?
364
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:18,558
How could you
not see this coming?
365
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,760
Because I have no idea
who you are,
366
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:22,662
other than
an oddly confident
band geek.
367
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:27,100
Shows what you know.
Band geek in the front,
rock God in the back.
368
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,768
Are you seriously okay
with this?
369
00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:31,638
No, but I really feel
like I can fix him.
370
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,907
But she can't,
so what do you say?
371
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,076
What do you think she says?
Hit the bricks, bro.
372
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:37,744
Dude, I will punch you
in the eyeball.
373
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,746
Erica, help me.
He's serious.
374
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,314
(SIGHS)
You know what, Johnny?
375
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,284
That's a firm "no"
to your creepy offer.
Your loss.
376
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,619
Hey, Debbie Gordon, you got
a date to homecoming yet?
377
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:48,755
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
378
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,958
Oh, man, that was
so sweet of me, huh?
379
00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:52,792
So if it's looking
like you're free
Saturday night, then...
380
00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:54,928
I'm not going
to the dance, Geoff.
381
00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:56,329
Not with anybody.
382
00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:02,535
(LIP-SYNCHING)
* I stuff her shoes
with extra socks
383
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,837
* Run seven blocks
384
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,206
* In nothing flat
385
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,608
* And I can do that
386
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:10,944
* I can do that
387
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:16,416
This is incredible.
My grandson's
a superstar.
388
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:24,391
* I'm watching sis
go pitter pat
389
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:25,792
* Said, I can do that
390
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,327
* That, that, that
391
00:15:27,394 --> 00:15:28,962
* That, that, that, that,
that, that, that, that *
392
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:31,231
My God,
he's repeating himself.
393
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:34,601
You can do what?
What can you do?
Finish the thought.
394
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:37,170
Dad, he's fine.
Just working out
some kinks.
395
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:41,141
Wait, so you actually
weren't doing anything?
396
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:44,211
"Not doing anything?"
Didn't you see this?
397
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:49,116
Bevy, you can't let him
go through with this
cockamamie scheme.
398
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:51,084
Well, actually,
it was my idea.
399
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:52,819
Oh, God. Why?
400
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:56,056
Pops, I can't go onstage
and completely
embarrass myself.
401
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:59,459
Just do your best!
You're the same great kid
you always were.
402
00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:02,862
Listen to me.
Do I sound
like the same kid?
403
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:05,132
Do I look
like the same kid?
404
00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,734
No. I'm not him.
405
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,803
I'm whatever this is.
406
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:14,141
And if Mom
can make it better,
I'm gonna let her.
407
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:15,442
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
408
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:21,381
Don't give me that look.
As his mother, it is my job
to make this all better.
409
00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:24,817
But you can't.
All you're doing
is making it worse.
410
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,653
You're turning him
into someone he's not.
411
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,155
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
412
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:33,026
I forgot my foundation,
rouge, and powder puff.
413
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,661
Good day to you, sir.
414
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:41,068
ADULT ADAM: The biggest night
of my middle-school
theater career had arrived,
415
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:43,803
and the only one
more nervous than me
was my smother.
416
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,738
Okay, let's warm up.
417
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:48,241
I have the recording
of the New York
city boys choir
418
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,310
doing scales,
so show me what you got.
419
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:54,681
(LIP-SYNCHING)
* Do, re, mi,
fa, sol, la, ti, do
420
00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:56,949
Oh, very good, very good.
Move those lips.
421
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,218
No sounds!
422
00:16:58,285 --> 00:17:00,553
* Fa, mi, re, do
423
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:03,022
ADULT ADAM: Watching us
Milli Vanilli our way
through the warm-up scales,
424
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:05,192
my mom realized
Pops was right.
425
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:08,661
Okay, Susan.
We need to talk.
426
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,329
Sorry, show starts in five.
427
00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:13,200
No, you can't do this.
It's wrong, and you know it.
428
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,801
What are you talking about?
This whole thing
was all your idea.
429
00:17:15,867 --> 00:17:18,570
Those people out there,
they want to see
"a chorus line,"
430
00:17:18,637 --> 00:17:20,272
not "a chorus lie."
431
00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:23,109
I'm so confused
by your moral high ground.
Again, this was all you.
432
00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:24,977
Mom, it's fine.
433
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:28,448
This recording is gonna blow
the freaking roof
off this place.
434
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:32,952
And so are you
with your own voices.
435
00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:35,455
Yes, they are creaking
and cracking.
436
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:38,891
And, yes, your foreheads
are very shiny, all right?
437
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:41,394
And you take
insanely long showers,
438
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:43,029
but it doesn't matter
439
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:45,832
because you're all just
as amazing as you always were.
440
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,268
I don't feel amazing.
441
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:50,137
You?
What's your problem?
442
00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:53,240
Oh, you heard my voice.
Who cares?
443
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:55,808
I got bacne, dude.
Crazy bacne.
444
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:58,711
So? I sweat constantly
for no reason.
445
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:01,281
I-I'm sweating right now,
and it's like
50 degrees in here.
446
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:03,783
I've got a weird thing
for Sally Jessy Raphael.
447
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,218
BEVERLY: See?
448
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,420
None of you are alone.
449
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:11,191
You're all going through
something that everybody
has to suffer through.
450
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:13,426
Come on.
Who's with me?
451
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:14,794
Screw it.
452
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,396
Let's go out there
and give them
453
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:19,532
the best worst musical
the school has ever seen.
454
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,402
ADULT ADAM: And so we sang it.
455
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:23,870
We really sang it.
456
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:27,039
And it wasn't pretty,
but it was definitely us.
457
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:31,444
* Kiss today goodbye
458
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:39,018
* The sweetness
and the sorrow
459
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,357
ALL:
* Wish me luck
460
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:46,259
* The same
461
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:49,396
* To you
462
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:57,304
Sure, growing up is hard
and awkward and embarrassing.
463
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:59,806
But if you're lucky,
you just mind find
the courage
464
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:01,341
to sing
your way through it...
465
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:05,978
* What I did for love
466
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,886
...or have someone
talk you through it
when you least expect it.
467
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:15,388
Hey, peanut.
468
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,792
I, uh, heard
about the kid
with the hair.
469
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:22,395
So, uh, you're not going
to the dance, huh?
470
00:19:22,462 --> 00:19:24,431
Honestly,
I hate dances.
471
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,065
And the nice thing
about being alone
472
00:19:26,132 --> 00:19:28,401
is that there's
no one here bothering me,
acting like a moron.
473
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:32,171
Oh, my God,
Barry's right.
474
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,106
God, I'm just like you.
475
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,308
Sorry.
476
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,677
I get it.
477
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:39,746
But there's hope.
Why?
478
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:41,981
Well, things work out.
479
00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:43,950
I met your mom.
480
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,753
She sees the best
in everybody,
even a grump like me.
481
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,121
All I'm saying is
482
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:51,991
just give people
a chance.
483
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:54,827
Don't be a moron.
484
00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:59,632
ADULT ADAM: 'Cause as hard
as it is to grow up,
485
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,100
it's even harder
to go through it alone.
486
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:05,338
And when you open up
and put yourself out there,
487
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,173
you'll be surprised
where it leads.
488
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,108
Erica, hi!
489
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:10,943
Greetings and salutations.
490
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,745
You busy?
491
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:16,316
Uh, not really.
I was just waiting
for my cousin to call back.
492
00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:18,618
I thought maybe
we could still make
the end of the dance.
493
00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:22,054
Well, I was thinking maybe
we could hang out instead.
494
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,423
No way.
As friends.
495
00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:24,957
Yeah, no.
Let's not put
a label on it.
496
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:27,026
Let's... Mmm-hmm.
497
00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:29,829
So, what do you say
we go grab a slushie?
498
00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:32,064
(CHUCKLES)
499
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:34,634
Mmm, check this out.
500
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:35,835
Gleaming the cube.
501
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,637
What does that even mean?
No one knows.
502
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:41,508
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
503
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,543
Oh, my God,
Geoff, are you okay?
504
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,247
No, not a new one.
It's photo day at school.
505
00:20:48,315 --> 00:20:50,116
You came
to the right place.
506
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:52,585
No, get out!
I don't want any
of your terrible advice.
507
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:55,988
Dude, I'm a pimple pro.
You got to pop
that thing immediately.
508
00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:58,157
Everyone says
not to pop it.
509
00:20:58,224 --> 00:21:00,226
Look at this
flawless skin.
510
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:02,762
It's like
baby Italian marble.
511
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:06,065
Would you rather have
a pizza face
or a Barry face?
512
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:07,867
Fine.
I'll just pop the thing.
513
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,869
Oh, I gotta get this
on film.
514
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:12,238
Come on.
515
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,341
Let's get a close-up
of that zit.
516
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:16,743
Hey, why are you covering it?
Don't feel
so embarrassed.
517
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:18,945
Let me see that zit.
Come on.
For memories.
518
00:21:19,011 --> 00:21:22,014
BARRY: Let's get a close-up
of that zit.
519
00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:25,618
He's covering his mouth
'cause he doesn't want anyone
to see his zit.
520
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:27,754
(LAUGHS)
(BELL DINGS)
40838
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